Pain is real, but so is hope

For years, I lived completely consumed by my illness and unable to make any recovery progress. If anyone had of asked me during this time if I wanted to recover I would have said a huge YES, however I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to do what I needed to do in order to recover so I didn't really try. At the time, I told people around me and even myself that I was trying to recover but looking back, I know I wasn't trying, not really. I was eating enough to keep myself out of hospital and alive however I was severely underweight and my starved mind was incapable of thinking rationally, which made trying to recover seem even more impossible. The thought of doing the things I knew I needed to do in order to get better was so terrifying that I didn't think it was possible that I would ever get better. I had accepted that I was going to live the rest of my life consumed by my eating disorder.

Anyone whose been where I have been knows just how impossible and difficult it feels and anyone who hasn't been there wont be able to even begin to understand. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is if someone told you that you had to become the richest person in the world or the fastest runner in the world, you would probably think that it seemed impossible and that there would be no point in even trying as it couldn't happen. Well that's how impossible the prospect of recovery seems to someone who is fully consumed by anorexia. Also, the fear associated with doing the things you need to do in order to recover is so severe that you would honestly rather just die. That's how I felt anyway. My thought processes were so irrational that just eating a meal prepared by my family or someone else honestly would have terrified me more than sculling a bottle of poison or jumping off a bridge.

So how did I manage to recover when it seemed so impossible and scary? I found hope. That is honestly the only difference between the years I spent totally consumed by my eating disorder and unable to change and the time when I was actually able to start making some recovery progress and turn my life around. I read anorexia recovery blogs of other girls who managed to beat their illnesses and this gave me hope that I too could get better. I was miserable living with my illness. I had become a social recluse with no friends and I was incapable of even having relationships with family members. I was 20 years old and had never had a romantic relationship, didn't go out, play sport or have any hobbies. I had dropped out of university and did nothing but stay home and be consumed by anorexia all day every day, month in month out. I wanted so much to live a normal life and through seeing other girls get better who had been where I was, gave me hope that I could do it too.

So I started my recovery journey and started my own blog to document my progress, with the intentions of inspiring other sufferers and giving them the hope they required to fight their illnesses. My recovery then became about not only fighting for the life I wanted for myself but also about recovering so that I could give hope to others, as had happened to me. Everyday was painful and scary but I never gave up hope and I never gave in to my eating disorder. I continued to follow my plan and as I did I began to recover, both physically and mentally. My thoughts slowly became more rational, meaning things that initially terrified me didn't seem so scary anymore. My eating behaviours got more and more normal and I started to get out of the house more and started to actually live my life for the first time in many years.

Everyday I received emails from readers all over the world, saying that my recovery journey was giving them hope, which in turn made me all the more adamant to keep going until I made a full recovery. I didn't want to be the reason that my readers lost hope, I wanted to continue to inspire them and that's exactly what I did. I kept going until I was living a relatively normal life with lots of friends and family, a partner, holidays, university, work, sports, hobbies and all the things that I ever wanted in life. Even though I don't blog often anymore, I still like to check in occasionally and let everyone know that I am still ok. I may have a few ups and downs every now and then but nothing that prevents me from living a happy and normal life. I suppose I just want to help as many people find hope as possible as I believe it really is the difference between being able to recover or not.

So please, if you are struggling and feel like recovery is impossible for you, I promise its not. You can recover just like I did. You just need to have hope, believe in yourself and fight with everything you have for the life you deserve to live. Karly xxx

To The Person With An Eating Disorder Who Feels Like Giving Up On Recovery

I thought this article was great as it spoke of all the reasons why you should not give up on making a full recovery from your eating disorder. I hope you find it just as motivating as I did, and that like me it inspres you to continue fighting for full recovery. 

You deserve a full life

Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW 

Psychotherapist, Self-Compassion Enthusiast, Body-Image Activist

Maybe you just relapsed and the thought of starting over in the recovery process feels painful. Or perhaps you had changes in your weight, which is causing you to want to “throw in the towel.” 

It is so normal to be in a place where you feel caught between wanting to maintain your eating disorder and a desire to continue to seek recovery. Ambivalence and denial of the severity of the illness are common aspects of having an eating disorder. 

You likely have used eating disorder behaviors in an attempt to “feel better.” Behaviors like binging, purging, and/or restricting, may temporarily cause you to “feel better” and calmer. However, in the long run they only bury your underlying issues and cause you to feel even worse.

Your eating disorder may help you to feel “in control,” or “special,” however these are false illusions. The reality is, the deeper that you are into your eating disorder, the less “in control” you actually are. Rather, the eating disorder begins to completely consume your life and often becomes your primary relationship.

An eating disorder hijacks your true sense of self and identity and replaces it with an illness.

Some may argue that their eating disorder is the only thing that makes them “special” and are afraid to give up that identity. The truth is that the deeper one is in their eating disorder, the more one becomes a carbon copy of everyone else who is struggling with an eating disorder. An eating disorder hijacks your true sense of self and identity and replaces it with an illness. I guarantee that there are other traits or qualities about yourself that make you special and unique, which the eating disorder is currently masking.

If you are struggling with wanting to give up on recovery, I would urge you to recall what caused you to seek recovery in the first place. Living with an eating disorder is like having an abusive partner. Often your life becomes completely taken over by 24/7 thoughts about food, your body, and exercise. Many will find that they become increasingly isolated, depressed, and that their relationships suffer.

When you look back on your life at age 80, do you think that you will be fondly reminiscing about the amount of time you spent counting calories, avoiding social events, running obsessively on the treadmill, or hiding empty cartons of food in shame? Living trapped in an eating disorder is ultimately not a fulfilling life.

So what does recovery feel like? Just as no two people’s experiences of an eating disorder are the same, recovery may look different for everyone. However, ultimately recovery is when food and your body take a more normal place in your life. Recovery is when you can explore new passions (outside of food/exercise/your body) and build strong relationships with people who matter. Recovery is being able to explore the world and travel, savoring the food and taking in the culture of a new place.

Recovery is truly living again. You deserve a full life, one that you cannot have if you are still trapped in your eating disorder.

Recovery is laughing and losing track of time with friends and family because you are having such a great time. Recovery is also feeling sad or angry sometimes and dealing with disappointment and heartbreak. Recovery is feeling all of your feelings both pleasant and unpleasant. Recovery is truly living again. You deserve a full life, one that you cannot have if you are still trapped in your eating disorder.

It’s important to note that recovery is not a linear process. No matter where you are in your journey, it’s important to practice being kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can given the coping skills that you have, and you can also work to change and improve. It’s normal to have setbacks and to make mistakes, but what matters is that you learn from them and continue to work towards recovery.

I’d also recommend making a list of what your life could look like five years from now if you choose recovery and five years from now if you are still trapped in your eating disorder. If you are not working with a treatment team, it is also important that you identify specialists in your area that can help you. No one should go through the recovery process alone.

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder, but you can make the choice to continue on the path towards recovery. No matter what lies your eating disorder may be telling you, your life is worth so much more than obsessing about food and your body. Imagine all of the amazing things you could accomplish if you devoted this time and energy to something positive. It may take some time, but I believe you will find a fulfilling and passion-driven life, one where you can finally say, “I am recovered.”

Marya Hornbacher, an author who recovered from an eating disorder, says,

I don’t remember when I stopped counting, or when I stopped caring what size my pants were, or when I started ordering what I wanted to eat and not what seemed ‘safe,’ or when I started just eating when I got hungry, instead of questioning it, obsessing about it, dithering and freaking out, as I’d done for nearly my whole life. I don’t remember exactly when recovery took hold, and went from being something I both fought and wanted, to being simply a way of life. A way of life that is, let me tell you, infinitely more peaceful, infinitely happier, and infinitely more free than life with an eating disorder. And I wouldn’t give up this life of freedom for the world.

Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW is a mental health therapist, intuitive eating counselor, and blogger on The Huffington Post and Psychology Today. She is a junior board member for The National Eating Disorder Association. She specializes in treating adolescents, survivors of trauma, and individuals with eating disorders and mood disorders. “Like” Jennifer on Facebook at Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW. Or check out her website atwww.jenniferrollin.com

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If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorders Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

Remember to rest

Ever since getting a gym membership a few weeks ago, I have really enjoyed being able to exercise regularly, regardless of the weather. I have also really enjoyed doing a wide variety of exercises instead of just walking like I used to do and I can already see my fitness and strength improving. Something incredibely important to remember is to make sure you have rest days, to give your body a break and allow it to repair and recover.

 Something else to remember is that on rest days, you should not feel as though you cant eat as much as you usually would. If you only feel as though you can not or should not eat your regular intake if you are not doing exercise then this is not a healthy mindset to have and perhaps you aren't ready to start exercising again. You should not think of exercise as something you do so that you can eat, you should think of eating as something you do to keep you healthy and that gives your body the fuel it needs so that you can exercise when you want to.

For instance, I have been to the gym the last 4 days in a row and I am choosing to have a rest day today to allow my sore muscles to repair. I have full intention of eating my usual intake today even though I am not exercising. It has taken me a long time to change to this mindset but I am glad to say that my days of compensating for not exercising by eating less are over! I know that my body needs to be fueled properly EVERYDAY and that is exactly what I intend to do!

Although not as much energy will be required by your body for actual physical activity on rest days, if you eat your usual amount this just means that more energy will be available to help your body to repair and recover. It also gives your body a chance to replenish its energy stores which will prepare you for exercise again,  next time you do work out. Rest days also give you a chance to focus on other important aspects of your life, that you may not usually have time. Remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health.

The number of rest days a person takes is an individual choice however I think that people should try to rest atleast one day a week. Personally, I find I need atleast 2 rest days per week as I am still very new to working out and I dont want to rush my body into making progress too quickly. I also want to make sure that I am only exercising for the right reasons and that I am not getting addicted to exercise, as I know that this sometimes does happen post anorexia recovery.

Anorexic behaviours are not a healthy coping mechanism

After having an extremely stressful day yesterday, I was very tempted when I got home last night to not eat my normal amount. Not only was I not hungry (in fact I felt quite sick due to being so worried and stressed) but I also had a voice in my head telling me that I didn't deserve to eat and that by not eating, I would feel much better. I suppose it makes sense that when bad things start happening that you feel you have no control of, you are able to find comfort in controlling the things you can control, like what you eat. 

Despite the fact that I didn't feel like eating and my anorexia was encouraging me not to eat, I ate anyway. I know deep down that not eating would not fix any of my proplems and that through not looking after myself, I would oly be making thing harder for myself. I suppose a big part of recovery is not only learning to eat like a normal person again, but also starting to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Understanding that controlling your weight and food intake does not solve any problems is so important, as is knowing that there are healthier coping mechanisms we can use instead.

Learning healthier ways to manage stress

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm

 

If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Stress management strategy #1: Get moving

Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress, but you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Just about any form of physical activity can help relieve stress and burn away anger, tension, and frustration. Exercise releases endorphins that boost your mood and make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction to your daily worries.

While the maximum benefit comes from exercising for 30 minutes or more, you can start small and build up your fitness level gradually. Short, 10-minute bursts of activity that elevate your heart rate and make you break out into a sweat can help to relieve stress and give you more energy and optimism. Even very small activities can add up over the course of a day. The first step is to get yourself up and moving. Here are a few easy ways:

• Put on some music and dance around
• Take your dog for a walk
• Walk or cycle to the grocery store
• Use the stairs at home or work rather than an elevator
• Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot and walk the rest of the way
• Pair up with an exercise partner and encourage each other as you workout
• Play ping-pong or an activity-based video game with your kids

Managing stress with regular exercise

Once you’re in the habit of being physically active, try to incorporate regular exercise into your daily schedule. Activities that are continuous and rhythmic—and require moving both your arms and your legs—are especially effective at relieving stress. Walking, running, swimming, dancing, cycling, tai chi, and aerobic classes are good choices.

Pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to stick with it. Instead of continuing to focus on your thoughts while you exercise, make a conscious effort to focus on your body and the physical (and sometimes emotional) sensations you experience as you’re moving. Adding this mindfulness element to your exercise routine will help you break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that often accompanies overwhelming stress. Focus on coordinating your breathing with your movements, for example, or notice how the air or sunlight feels on your skin. Getting out of your head and paying attention to how your body feels is also the surest way to avoid picking up an injury.

When you’ve exercised, you’ll likely find it easier to put other stress management techniques to use, including reaching out to others and engaging socially.

Stress management strategy #2: Engage socially

Reach out and build relationships

• Reach out to a colleague at work
• Help someone else by volunteering
• Have lunch or coffee with a friend
• Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly
• Accompany someone to the movies or a concert
• Call or email an old friend
• Go for a walk with a workout buddy
• Schedule a weekly dinner date
• Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club
• Confide in a clergy member, teacher, or sports coach

Social engagement is the quickest, most efficient way to rein in stress and avoid overreacting to internal or external events that you perceive as threatening. There is nothing more calming to your nervous system than communicating with another human being who makes you feel safe and understood. This experience of safety—as perceived by your nervous system—results from nonverbal cues that you hear, see and feel.

The inner ear, face, heart, and stomach are wired together in the brain, so socially interacting with another person face-to-face—making eye contact, listening in an attentive way, talking—can quickly calm you down and put the brakes on defensive stress responses like “fight-or-flight.” It can also release hormones that reduce stress, even if you’re unable to alter the stressful situation itself. Of course, it’s not always realistic to have a pal close by to lean on when you feel overwhelmed by stress, but by building and maintaining a network of close friends you can improve your resiliency to life’s stressors. On the flip side, the more lonely and isolated you are, the greater your vulnerability to stress.

Reach out to family and friends and connect regularly in person. The people you talk to don’t have to be able to fix your stress; they just need to be good listeners. Opening up is not a sign of weakness and it won’t make you a burden to others. In fact, most friends will be flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them, and it will only strengthen your bond. And remember, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.

Stress management strategy #3: Avoid unnecessary stress

While stress is an automatic response from your nervous system, some stressors arise at predictable times—your commute to work, a meeting with your boss, or family gatherings, for example. When handling such predictable stressors, you can either change the situation or change your reaction. When deciding which option to choose in any given scenario, it’s helpful to think of the four A's: avoid, alter, adapt, or accept.

Avoid the stressor

It’s not healthy to avoid a stressful situation that needs to be addressed, but you may be surprised by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, taking on more than you can handle is a surefire recipe for stress. Distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts” and, when possible, say “no” to taking on too much.
• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life, limit the amount of time you spend with that person, or end the relationship.
• Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn off the TV. If traffic makes you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route. If going to the market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.

Stress management strategy #4: Alter the situation

If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

• Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you’ve got an exam to study for and your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk. If you don’t voice your feelings, resentment will build and the stress will increase.
• Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you’ll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.
• Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you’ll find it easier to stay calm and focused.

Stress management strategy #5: Adapt to the stressor

How you think can have a profound effect on your stress levels. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. Regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude to stressful situations.

• Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.
• Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
• Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”

Stress management strategy #6: Accept the things you can’t change

Many sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors, such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than railing against a situation you can’t change.

• Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control—particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
• Look for the upside. When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.
• Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by forgiving and moving on.

Stress management strategy #7: Make time for fun and relaxation

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place to handle life’s stressors.

Develop a "stress relief toolbox"

Come up with a list of healthy ways to relax and recharge. Try to implement one or more of these ideas each day, even if you're feeling good.

Go for a walk Spend time in nature Call a good friend Play a competitive game of tennis or racquetball Write in your journal Take a long bath Light scented candles

Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea Play with a pet Work in your garden Get a massage Curl up with a good book Listen to music Watch a comedy

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.

• Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Don’t allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.
• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be stargazing, playing the piano, or working on your bike.
• Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Stress management strategy #8: Adopt a healthy lifestyle

In addition to regular exercise, there are other healthy lifestyle choices that can increase your resistance to stress.

• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Extreme calorie counting

Looking back, I still cant believe just how bad my calorie counting was and how obsessed I was with calculating the exact number of calories that everything I ate contained. I would weigh absolutely everything I ate so that I could calculate the exact number of calories and refused to eat anything prepared by anyone else. Even though I would weigh each thinng many times before eating it, I would still often freak out when I was half way through  meal that Imay have made a mistake or that the scales may not have been working properly.

I would make sure that I ate the exact same number of calories ever single day and I wouldn't let myself go over this amount by even a single calorie. Preparing food took a long time as I had to weigh out absolutely everything I was using and then also do the math to calculate the number of calories and add it into my calorie counter. I would reweigh things that had the nutritional values already writtten on them so that I could calculate the EXACT amount.

There was no type of food that I would not weigh (except liquids like milk which I would measure out with a measuring cup. I would even weigh things like pieces of fuit, salad and vegetables. I will use breakfast as an example of my extreme calorie counting. I would weigh the slices of bread that I was going to use for my toast and then also the spreads that I was going to be putting on them. If  I had something like apple and custard oats I would weigh out the oats and sweetner I was going to be using, weigh out the custard and then cut up an exact weighed amount of apple to stir through.

I honestly dont know how I did what I did. Just the thought of doing this insane calorie counting whilst preparing food and planning what to eat seems like such a huge waste of time and effort. I suppose at the time I ddn't really have anything else happening in my liffe to concentrate on but I still don't know how Icould have been bothered to go to all that effort, just so I could know that I was eating an exact number of calories each day.

At one stage I was also counting macros which was even more awful as I didn'tt only need to eat an esact number of calories eah day, but I had to eat a mixture of foods that would fit perfectly into my macronutrient goal too. The amount of time I have wasted in my life with this useless calorie/macro planning and counting really does make me sick and if you are currently living the sae way, I highly encourage you to try and get out of these unhealthy behaviours now. Life really is to short to be spending so much time doing these absolutely pointless things and letting go of these behaviours is very important for your recovery.

Even though I still have a fair idea of the amount of calories I eat as I like to make sure I am reaching my minimum calorie target each day, I have no idea of the exact number of calories and I also have no idea about how much of each macronutrient I eat. Letting go of these behaviours was one of the greatest challenges in my recovery  but I am proud to now say that I have managed to do it and I know that you can do it too. It feels so good to now have the freedom to eat exactly what I feel like, despite how many calories grams of carbs, fat or protein it may contain.

being addicted to coke zero

Coke zero is something that I have definetely been addicted to at various stages throughout my illness. There were some stages when would drink atleast 2 litres of coke zero every single day. Sometimes I may still have 1 small bottle or can of coke zero per week but I certainly do not feel as though I need to drink it, like I once did.

When I was in a half recovered state, my body wanted sweet foods so much but I obviously just let myself have enough of them, which meant that I wanted to drink coke zero all the time and I also remember going through a stage where I would eat stevia sweetner by the spoonful to try and satsisfy my sweet tooth.

I can see how people can lose control with food and binge whilst they are restricting as I most likely would have too, if I hadn't had coke zero to drink as well as sweetner to eat. I remember feeling as though I had lost control when I was eating spoonfulls of sweetner as my body just wanted soemthing sweet so badly.

Losing control like this really scared me though as I was also worried that it coud happen one day, with something other then stevia or coke zero. Luckily it didn't happen though as otherwise I think I would have been tempted to make yself sick, which is what I used to do whilst my anorexa was first developing.

Since following my meal plan that has lots of sweet foods in it as well as healthy foods, I no longer have sugar cravings. In fact, I rarely have cravings for any type of food in particular at all. This suggests to me that my meal plan is well balanced and provides by body wth all of the nutrients it needs.

I am so glad that I am no longer addicted to coke zero. Although it desnt contain sugar, I know that all ofthe chemicals it does contain are terrible for you. My teeth are really sensitive and I mainly blame coke zero for that as I think that the coke zero washed away all of the enamel from them.

While I still enjoy the occasional coke zero, I will never agin let it become an everyday thing again. If I ever do start drinking it all th etime again, I will see this as a warning sign that I am not giving my bosy what it needs as I know that drinking coke zero is something that I do when I am not letting myself eat enough sweet foods.

I need to try and rememeber that if I ever feel as though I need something sweet, this is probably an indication that my body does want/need sugar so instead of having the artificial and calorie free kind, I will instead treat myself to something that actually contains real sugar so that I actually satisfy my craving. If you think you may be aaddicted to diet drink such as coke zero, I highly suggest you try to overcome it as it really is not a halthy lifestyle choice.

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Obsessing over food

Something I certainly do not miss from when my anorexia was at its worst is being completely obsessed with food. I would literally spend every minute of everyday thinking about food and it really was horrible. Because I wasn't eating anywhere near enough, my body obviously wanted me to eat which Isuppose was one of the reasons I couldn't stop thinking about food.

I became obsessed with trying my hardest to trick my body and everyone around me into thinking that I was eating plenty, however I was always consuming hardly any calories. I always ate foods that had a very low calorie density so that I would feel full for a little while however my body was still getting barely any energy.

I remember laying awake being unable to sleep at night and watching television series like 'Man Vs Food'. I don't know if you have ever heard of this show but it is basically just about a guy travelling around America and dining at 'pig out joints.' My favourite segment on the show would be when he took on food challenges when he had to do insane things like eat 30 hot dogs in 30 minutes etc.

I absolutely loved every minute that I spent eating (as long as I had prepared the food myself) and tried to eat my food as slowly as possible so that I could enjoy it for longer. I would use tny cutlery, take tiny bites and chew each mouthful many times. The whole time I wasn't eating, I was inpatiently waiting for my next meal time. I would never eat a meal early, no matter how hungry I was as to me this meant that I had lost the control I had over food which is something I was terrified of.

I would sped a long time cooking for other people. I would cook cakes and cookies and slices but eventually my family stoppped eating them and I couldn't bare to see food wasting so I stopped baking. I still however continues to read cook books and collect recipes. I would often rearrange the food on our fridge or cupboards and I had my own section of the fridge/in the cupboard where my food went.

In a way, even just watching the people around me eating nice foods would be satisfying and it made me feel as though I didnt need to ea myself. I could spen hours and hours in a supermarket, walking up every single isle many times and inspecting every product. I knew the nutritional information of many foods and had an inbuilt calorie counter in my brain.

I would spend hours and hours on my calorie counting app, planning future meals and I would also search for new foods that I could buy that would fit into my extremely restrictive diet easly. while all of my family wwere worried about me, they all knew that they could not mention my food intake to me at all without world war three breaking out. i was very deffensive about what I was eating as my anorexiaa really had tricked me into thinking I was eating enough.

My mum would yell and scream at me if I ever mentioned food but since this was really all that I thought about from day to day, I really didn't have anything else to talk about. obsessing over food all day everyday really was hell for me and I am so glad that I do not do this anymore. I really do believe that we should eat so that we can live. we definetely should not live so that we can eat.

There are so many wonderful things in life to enjoy however we miss out on all of those things while we are sick and obsessing over food and calories. Life really is a gift and we shouldn't waste it being sick with an eating disorder. Please, keep fighting for recovery and live the woderful life you truly deserve.

Striving to make a full recovery

A really important thing to remember whilst recovering is that it is so easy to just stop half-way in your recovery, but you really shouldn't do this. As you can see frrom tthe list directy below, I have made a lot of progress in my recovery, however I know that I am not fully recovered yet so I need to KEEP FIGHTING. 

I think that so many people just stop in a half recovered state as they make the mistake of thinking that there anorexia will always be apart of them to some extent. I know that until quite recently I believed that I would always be anorexic, but I just hoped that I would l learn to control my anorexia enough so that I could still be happy.

Now however my ultimate goal is to make a full recovery, so that I can live a wonderful life completely free of tteh rules, worries and regulations that my anorexi arules me with. I will know when I am fully recovered as I will no longer feel anxious about food or weighta and I will not have a second voice in my head fulling me with self doubt and trying to kill me. Instead of saying I HAVE anorexia, I will be able to say I HAD anorexia. 

In saying this, I know that it is incredibely important for me to stay aware of how vulunerable I am to developing this illness so that I can ensure it never happens again. I guess it is a bit like an alcoholic who is sober for years. They are no longer really 'actively' alcoholics but they know they cant even have one drink as this could cause them to fall back to their old ways. 

I could stop fighting now as I feel fantastic and healthy but I know that if I want to have a truly happy and healthy life I need to continue with my recovery so that I completely beat my anorexia and get rid of it all together.  I realise I have probably left a lot of things off of the lists below but they are just the things that popped into my mind this morning. 

It was really nice to see that there were more things in the first list then the second list and even better that I have achieved most of those things in the last 4 months or so. Please remember that you do not need to settle for a half recovered state. You deserve to make a full recovery and you will, you just need to keep believing and keep fighting <3  

I know I am getting closer to being recovered because......

1. I no longer weigh everything I eat

2. I have reached an acceptable weight for my height

3. I have eaten most of my fear foods and some of them I eat every single day

4. While I read the energy content of foods, I take no notice of other nutritional values

5. I no longer count macronutrients

6. I can comfortably eat recovery amounts of food

7. I always follow my meal plan (intake target) perfectly

8. I think about food a lot less then I used to

9. I no longer feel the cold or suffer from poor circulaton

10. I can fit into regular adult clothes

11. I actually want to socialise now

12. I can think much more rationally 

13. I can concentrate on things other then food

14. I can eat out at restaurants

But I know I still need to keep fighting because......

1. My anorexic voice is still there, trying to make me feel terrible and lose weight

2. I still weigh foods occasionally, which I dont want to do

3. I do not feel as though I could start eating intuitively yet

4. I still count calories

5. I do not think that my relationship with exercise is completely healthy yet

6. I am yet to have a natural period ( I have only had periods while using a pill)

7. It makes me very anxious to eat things prepared by anyone other tthan myself

Obsessive compulsive chewing

Something that I even did before I ever got sick, but has definetely got worse since developing anorexia, is the obsessive way I chew food. I always make sure I eat the exact same amount of food on the left side of my mouth, as I do the right side. For example while eating grapes, I pick out two grapes that are exactely the same size and eat one on the left and then one on the right side of my mouth. If I am left with 1 grape, I will bite it in half and chew half of it on either side of my mouth. I really dont know why I do this but I just feel as though I need to balance things out, so that things can be perfectly even. Perhaps this habit of mine actually has more to do with the fact that I am a perfectionist, rather then my actual anorexia.


I know that it is common for anorexics to develop weird habits whilst they eat but what I think is strange is the fact that I have done this with some foods for as long as I can remember. I have always done it whilst eating rice crackers or chips as well as pieces of breakfast cereal. However it is only since I got sick that I have started doing it with practically every food I eat.




Also, even now I still love eating all food with little forks and teaspoons which is a common anorexic behaviour however I have always done this ever since I was a child, long before I ever got anorexia. I would be really interested to know whether or not any other people suffering from anorexia have the same chewing habit as me or even one similar. Sometimes I wish I could just eat without thinking about it but I have been doing it for so long now that i do it even without thinking about it. Does anyone else have any tips about how to overcome behaviours like these? Do you think it is necessary to try and over come habits like these?

Time to break the rules

While I was at my sickest, I had various 'rules' that I needed to follow. These rules were set by my anorexia and I felt as though I had absolutely no choice but to follow them.

I was not allowed to eat until it was meal time. Eating even just a minute before 'meal time,' no matter how hungry I was, just wasnt allowed. I felt as though eating before the right time would be a sign of weakness, like I wasnt strong enough to resist the temptation of food. Now however I only use meal times as a guide. If I am particularly hungry I may eat half an hour earlier and sometimes I have no choice to be more flexible with meal times while I am at work.

I had to exercise for the right amount of time (the amount changed throughout my illness) every single day no matter what. If it was pooring with rain or freezing cold I would still go for my walk. Skipping my walk simply wasnt an option. I would even get up and go at 5am if I needed to go somewhere else that day where I wouldnt be able to walk just so I could get it done.

I even had rules for doing chores around the house. Instead of taking the wheelbarrow out to the wood heap to fill it up with fire wood, I would leave the wheel barrow at our back door and walk each individual piece of wood from the wood heap to the wheelbarrow (about 50 metres away). Not following this rule was simply not an option as it would mean I was failing to make the most of every opportunity I had to exercise, which would mean I was lazy.

Similarily when taking washing off of the washing line I wasnt allowed to have anymore then one item of clothing in my hand at any one time. I would leave the laundry basket a little distance away so that I would have to make a seperate trip from the clothes line to the basket with each item. I can assure you that this certainly isnt the way I do things now. I am always in such a hurry as I always have so much to do that I just grab as many items as I can and bundle them straight into the basket.

Breakfast had to be my biggest meal of the day as I believed it would kickstart my metabolism and I wasnt allowed to eat anything after 6pm as I wouldnt have a chance to burn it off while sleeping. I had to drink at atleast 1 full glass of water with each meal at an attempt to fill me up as well as keep my metabolism running high (as water is needed for you to metabolise food and energy). If I was ever cooking in the kitchen or preparing meals I was not allowed to sit down, no matter how exhausted I was feeling. I knew that you butnt more calories standing and therefore felt incredibly guilty for sitting down.

I had to stick to my calorie goal for the day (which changed depending on what stage of my eating disorder I was at). At times this was as little as 100 calories while at others it was 1000 calories or even 1600. If I worked out my daily calories were even 2 calories more then they should have been, I would eat less at one of my meals to make up for it. Of course eating less then my daily calorie allowance was acceptable, it was just eating any more than the daily limit that wasn't allowed.

As well as a calorie limit I also had a macronutrient limit. I remember at one stage not being allowed to eat anymore than 5g of fat per day. Anyone who knows about macronutrients would know that this is practically nothing. At the time I was living on fruit, vegetables, tinned spaghetti, crumpets and jam/vegemite. I also bought fat free yoghurt and low fat rice pudding that I was 'allowed' eat. Even once I increased my calorie intake significantly I still needed to avoid fat at all costs and always chose fat free products.

As a perfectionist and also an anxiuos person, I have always been frightened of breaking the rules as I always wanted to do the 'right thing'. Luckily however I realised that the rules my anorexia had set for me NEEDED to be broken in order for me to recover. Now I have created new recovery rules that I make sure I follow everyday and these rules I intend to follow for the rest of my life. 

The message I am trying to get through is that rules can be really good or really bad. While breaking all the rules my anorexia set for me was one of the best things I have ever done, I know that breaking my recovery rules would be a huge mistake. You need to be able to identify which rules you should or shouldnt break in life in order to be truly healthy and happy.

Sometimes it can be hard to identify which rules need to be broken, especially when our anorexia is strong. I suggest writing down the rule on a piece of paper and then re-reading it while you imagine it is about someone else you love. Something I have found is that my thoughts are much more rational when I am thinking about others then when I am considering myself. Also, If the rule is unhealthy or needs to broken, you will know deep down in your heart that this is the case. 

Sometimes we need to stop listening to our heads as these thoughts can be too easily influenced by our anorexic thoughts. Our anorexic thoughts however can not influence what our hearts tell us. So those are the thoughts we should trust the most. 

Also, to determine whether a rule should be broken or not you can imagine yourself telling a person about the rule. If you would feel embarrassed or ashaimed about someone finding out about the rule, this is a good indication that you should try and break it. In my experience my anorexia hasnt wanted people to know about its rules as otherwise others would try to stop me from following them.

There is no real advice I can give you about actually breaking your anorexic rules as there is no easy way to do it. All you can do is stop following the rules and to not let your anorexia ever convince you to start following them again. Your anorexia will be extremely angry that you are no longer following its rules and I know its painful but you just need to stay strong and push through the pain. Try to remind yourself that this is just another essential step that you need to take in order for you to recover and that it does get easier. 

Sticking to your meal plan

A great friend of mine has asked me to give some advice about how to stick to a meal plan in recovery and I thought that I could write a post about it, so that I can hopefully help her as well as anyone else struggling with the same thing. Firstly I want to start by saying how wonderful I think meal plans are while you are recovering. If you would like to hear about the reasons I think following a meal plan is helpful, you can read this post I wrote in April.

To be perfectly honest, sticking to my meal plan is something I am really good at. No matter how terrible I am feeling, I always eat everything in my meal plan and this is because I do not look at my meal plan as something I can choose to follow, I just see it as something I follow because I do not have an option. Because I have never skipped anything on my meal plan, I never even feel tempted to skip anything as my anorexia knows that it is something I simply never do. I still feel really guilty for eating sometimes, both before and after my meals but the thought to not eat practically never even pops into my mind because I have never done it before.

I can imagine that once you skip a part of your meal plan once, it becomes so easy for you to continue doing so. Once your anorexia knows it has won once, it will think that it can keep winning so will keep trying to convince you to skip meals. I can understand that it would also become easier to skip parts of your meal plan after you have done it before because after giving in once, you probably dont have the faith in yourself that you are strong enough not to give in.

I highly reccommend that you try and take on this mindset that I have as it really does let you stick to your meal plan without fail. I honestly think that the only way you will be able to develop this new mind set is if you make a completely new start. I wrote this little letter that you can use (or you can make one similar) which tells your anorexia exactely how it is going to be from this moment on.



DEAR ANOREXIA,

I know you have been able to convince me to skip parts of my meal plan in the past, but I want you to know that this is never going to happen again. Following my meal plan is no longer a choice I am allowed to make. It is something that I will do every single day no matter what you say to me. You can keep trying to get me to skip parts of my meal plan if you want, but I promise you that you will be wasting your time, I will eat everything on my meal plan no matter what you say.


Signed _____________ Date ______________


So upon agreeing to this letter, you are making the decision to never miss anything on your meal plan again. Everytime you get the tempatation to miss something, simply tell yourself that it is not an option, you have no choice but to eat every part of every single meal. Hopefully if you are able to do this, eventually the temptation to skip meals or restrict will not even arise at all. Please give this a try, I am living proof that having this mindset works really well.

My friend also mentioned that she finds choosing which snack to have with her hot drink for afternoon tea really difficult and when she is unable to decide, she sometimes ends up eating nothing at all. I highly reccommend having a more specific meal plan so that you dont have a chance to be indecisive. For example, make your afternoon snack a hot chocolate and a muffin. If you would prefer to have a bit more variety perhaps you could alternate your afternoon snack each day i.e have cookies one day with your hot chocolate and a muffin the next.

Another option is to fill in the specific details of your meal plan each morning so that you know exactly what you need to eat, once your meal time comes around. For example for morning tea I always have an up and go meal supplement drink, a small piece of fruit and a baked treat and for lunch I have a sandwich, dairy dessert and a large piece if fruit. Writing out the specific details of each meal would look like this;

Morning tea: 1 Banana up and go, 1 choc chip muffin and 1 kiwi fruit
Lunch: 1 cheese and tomato relish sandwich, 1 vanilla rice cream and 1 cup of grapes

So when its morning tea time I dont feel anxious about whether to have a jam donut or a muffin as the decision has already been made. It is written clearly on my meal plan and since I have no choice but to follow my meal plan, I know exactly what to eat.

I would highly reccommend Trying to stick to regular meal times but if this is ever not possible, you still need to eat the entire contents of your meal plan over your entire day. sometimes it may be necessary to eat some of your afternoon tea at lunch time and the rest just before tea if it is not possible to stop and have a proper afternoon tea. Being busy or forgetting to eat is not a good enough reason not to stick to your meal plan properly.

I do not let myself go to bed of a night unless I have eaten absalutely everything on my meal plan that day. For example last week I fell asleep while watching tv before drinking my hot chocolate. When I woke up at about midnight I realised I hadnt had my hot chocolate so made myself drink it then, before going to bed. I could have just got up and gone straight to bed but I knew that this was t an option for me and I knew that not sticking to my meal plan once would probably make me tempted to do it again.

I also highly reccommend never leaving anything at all on your plate or in food containers as by doing this you are failing to stick to your meal plan. If your meal plan has 1 strawberry yoghurt written on it, it is not acceptable to eat only 3 quarters of the tub as this is failing to follow your meal plan. It is the same as what I said about skipping entire items off of your meal plan, if you do it once, your anorexia will try to make you do it every time. Ever since getting out of hospital 2 and a half years ago, I have never left anything in my bowl or on my plate so I never even feel tempted to leave any food. I even scrape out all tins or containers incredibely well (which my family assures me is very annoying😉) so I can be sure I am eating my entire meal plan.

I really hope that this post has been helpful and if you have any more questions, please feel free to ask. :)