I was diagnosed with Anorexia almost three years ago and have been battling it ever since. On my blog I share different experiences that I have had when I was really sick, as well as the progress I am now making as I try to recover. Since creating my blog I have never felt more motivated to recover and I hope that through writing about my recovery, I will be able to inspire people with eating disorders to fight for a happier and healthier life.
I was very surprised when I went into the blood bank yesterday morning to donate blood when they wouldnt let me donate as I just fell under the minimum weight requirement. Up until a few weeks ago, I had weighed enough to donate blood and I hadnt been trying to lose weight in any way so I was shocked that it had happened.
This has come as an inportant reminder to me that even though I am doing really well in terms of my recovery, I still am not like everybody else. I do lose weight very easily and I therefore need to make an extra effort to eat more often then others and sometimes larger amounts then others too.
I think that the main difference between me and others is that my body needs a constant energy supply, in the form of 6 meals a day. This can be really hard when everyone around me only eats 3 or 4 times a day but obviously skipping snacks, even when I am eating more for main meals, just isnt something my body can cope with yet.
Perhaps oneday, when my weight has stayed healthy and stable for a longer period of time I will be less susceptible to weight loss, but until then, I just need to do what is right for my body and my health. I guess it is a good sign that I have not found this recent weight loss pleasing at all. If anything I have just felt dissapointed and concerned.
I have absolutely no desire to lose anymore weight and hope that I can gain back those few kilos I have managed to accidentely lose. Afterall, I know that my body is happier and healthier at that slightly higher weight and looking after my body is the most important thing. If the weight loss does continue, I will go to the doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong and there isn't another underlying cause of this unexpected weight loss.
Can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to..but how did you cope with the weight gain during recovery? I mean..I have gained quite a bit of weight since I started recovery, but still lower than the weight the doctors set for me. It's just that, I'm happy with the way I look now, and I'm afraid to gain anymore because I don't wanna loose the self confidence that I'm only starting to get now.. (sorry it sounds silly). Sigh, my whole problem with eating started due to stress from school - I guess you could say it was a coping mechanism.
I've seen your before & after photos, and you look really good! A lot more happy too. What was the target weight the doctors set for you during your recovery (if you don't mind me asking.)?
After answering the first half of this questiona few days ago (you can read it here), I thought I better finally answer the rest of the question. Especially since it really is such a good question :) Honestly, you sound as though you are in a very similar situation to me at the moment. Although I have exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me (She told me that I had to reach 50 kg but my weight has settled at 52 kg), I have been receiving some pressure from a few of my readers to gain more weight depite the fact that I have already reached the goal weight that my doctor set for me and I really don't want to.
Like you, I feel so happy and confident at my current weight and dont want to risk ruining that. I have the best relationhip now that I have ever had with with my body in my life and in no way does my anorexia interfere with me living life anymore. Even though I apprreciate the concern of my readers, they dont kow anything aboutt my heath and natural figure so Idont really think it is fair for them to say that I deinetely need to gain more weight, because they really cant know that.
I suppose in your case, you need to think about whether you are still underweight. If you are (if your bmi is still below 18.5) then I think you should gain more weight. Although it may seem as though you wont still like your body at a higher bmi, you most likely will! Just look at me, I accept my body now that I have a bmi of 19 which is something I thought I would never be able to do.
Although getting to a healthy weight is incredibly important, I think that there is too much focus on weight in recovery. Afterall, anorexia is a mental illness and I therefore think the way I think is more imortant then how much I weigh. So because my eating disorder thoughts are so rare ad weak these days and never stop me from doing anything I want to do, I really dont think it is necessary for me to gain any more weight at this stage. This does not mean that I have started restricting what I eat. I still listen to my body and eat atleast 2500 calories a day but I just dont eat all of the extra things that I never had an appetite for, but just ate because I knew I needed to gain weight.
Like you (the reader who asked this question), My anorexia was a coping mechanism for various things goiing on in my life, including the stress of school, frustration with my body, my alcoholic mum. The most important thing for us is that we learn knew coping mechnisms to use when life gets tough instead of these unhealthy ones. So if your anorexic thoughts are still really strong, this could also be a good indicaion tat you need to gain weight. My anorexic thoughts only improved draatically once I reached my current weight which is why I m confident that it is in fact a healthy weight for me to be at.
Also, how were you built before your eatting disorder? Have you always been slim or more solid? Although it may not be ecessary to go back to the exact weight you were before your eating disorder, you should atleast try to get up within you rnatral set point range. :)
After this past weekend, I couldnt help but wonder whether all the extra food and calories I consumed would have effected my weight or not. Especially on saturday, I think I would have easily consumed 4500 calories between eating out, my normal meals as well as all the alcohol I drank. A couple of times I started to think about how much I was eating but I just kept trying to remind myself that the extra calories couldnt hurt me. And that having fun and enjoying myself was much more important.
I can honestly say I have not tried to compensate for eating more over the weekend since then and was a little reluctant to stand on the scale this morning. I wasnt really scared of gaining a bit of weight but just felt a little strange as I had no idea what would have happened to my weight. Of course,my weight was exactly the same as it had been exactly one week ago which jusg proves what ai gave heard so many times before but failed to believe.
Eating more sometimes DOESNT suddenly make you gain weight. Our bodies do not count calories and gain or lose weight systematically like some kind of calculator. Our bodies have lots of mechanisms in place to keep our weights relatively stable if they are at a natural and healthy weight. It is only when someone continues to consume a large excess of calories or are very inactive over a long period of time that they will gain weight.
The same goes with losing weight. Eating slightly less, or even a lot less over a single day most likely wont change your weight. It is only if someone starves themselves over a significant amount of time that they will loose weight. So now I have proven to myself that eating more sometimes doesnt cause significant weight gain, I feel more at ease when it comes to eating and food which is a great feeling. I feel like I no longer overthink eating like I used to and am learning to just trust my body to look after me.
I hope that this experience I have had helps you to realise that food and extra calories are not something to be frightened of like I now have. Our bodies can deal with these things just fine and will look after us asclong as we look after it and give it the nourishment and care it deserves.
You have done and continue to do an amazing job Karly. Pleases remember that although you are at a low end of healthy weight you are still actually very slim and just border line of healthy. There are some thoughts which won't go away until you reach your set point and feed yourself for long enough. You need to ask yourself if you are truly at your set point or if you are sub consciously stopping yourself from going further than you want to. I am so proud of how far you have come and utterly in awe of your fighting spirit. I know that if you do need to keep going with your weight, that deep down you will know what the right thing to do is. xxx
Firstly, I just want to say thank you so much to the person who left this comment. I have taken in everything you have said and I appreciate your honesty so much. :) Your comment has made me think a lot about my current stance in recovery and has made me question whether I am weight restored or not. I thought I would share some of my thoughts on this with everyone as everything always seems much clearer, when I write it out in a post. I would also be very interested to hear some feedback from some of my other readers too.
The person who left this comment was so right when they said I am only at the very low end of a healthy weight range. Sometimes I forget this as I am so much bigger then I used to be but I really am still quite thin. Since my bmi is only 19, and anything under 18.5 is classified as underweight, I am basically at a minimally acceptable weight for my height. I guess I have been kidding myself a little though as just because my current weight is 'acceptable,' this does not mean that it is my natural set point weight.
It's just so hard to know what my natural healthy setpoint weight is. Genetically, I am not supposed to be a very big person. In fact, both my brother and dad are underweight and my mum is very thin also. In saying this, I know I shouldn't use this as excuse if it just means that I am sub consciously stopping myself from reaching my set point weight. Afterall, if I am stopping myself from reaching my natural healthy set point weight, then I am only hurting myself and my recovery.
I am still eating 2500 calories per day, which is classified as recovery amounts of food for some. I figured that if I was still not yet at my healthy set point, I would continue to slowly gain whilst eating this amount and that if I was already weight restored, I would maintain my weight at this intake. I know I shouldnt just assume that I am weight restored because I am no longer gaining weight though. Afterall I am very active and do a lot of walking which could prevent me from gaining weight, even if my body still needs too.
Sub consciously, I guess I could be stopping myself from gaining weight because the truth is, I like my body the way it currently is and dont want it to change. Yes, it may be my anorexia making me so frightened of gaining weight but I remember back to how unhappy I was with my body before I developed anorexia and I am terrified of ever feeling that way again. I am currently able to accept my body the way it is and this really is the most wonderful feeling for me.
I hope that I am not making any of my readers dissappoointed when I say that at this stage I do not plan on making any big changes to try and gain weight as I honestly dont know if I actually need to or not. The reader who made this comment bought up an incredibly important point when they said that certain thoughts would not go away until I was at my natural set point weight. I can still feel myself getting stronger and making recovery progress all the time at this stage but if ever a day comes that I stop making recovery progress and I still have anorexic thoughts, I know that I will then need to gain more weight in order to get rid of them.
As I was watching the movie yesterday, I couldn't help but notice how thin the main characters legs were and I found myself longing for her figure. But then, I asked myself how life would get better for me if I was to look like he girl in the movie and I couldn't think of anything at all. The truth is, I have looked like the girl in the movie before but I was unhappier then and hated myself more then too.
Perhaps the girl in the movie naturally looks like that but something that I must accept is that I DONT. It may be healthy for the girl in the movie to look the way she looks but for me, I cant be happy and healthy at that weight. So I have to choose, be happy and healthy at mu current natural weight or be thinner and miserable. To me, this choice is pretty simple.
And then of course, there is always the possibility that the girl in the movie is not at her natural set point weight either and that she is actually very underweight. Perhaps she has an eating disorder, or maybe she just feels pressured to make her self look the way she does because of the industry she works in. Either way I feel sorry for her if her job makes her feel as though she cant just be herself, as it probably makes her feel as awful as it made me feel.
So I know I shouldn't compare myself to the girl in the movie, or anyone at all for that matter as everyone is so different and you never know what others may be going through. Yes, skinny girls may look beautiful sometimes but so do bigger girls. You DON'T have to be skinny or underweight to be beautiful, you really can be beautiful at any size! And being skinny really is not the thing that should matter most to you in life.
This may be a little depressing to talk about but at your funeral oneday (In a long long time) do you want a loved one to stand up in front of the crowd and say how caring, thoughtful, happy, beautiful, wonderful and brave you were? Or would you rather someone stand up in front of the crowd and say, 'well I don't really have much to say about them but they were skinny'.
At the end of the day, being skinny really means nothing and it makes me so sad to think that I once placed so much value on something that actually is so unimportant. Andn I wish that I could make all of you who are currently struggling see this too. Having a successful life really does not mean looking a certain way, but instead it means being a certain way. It means being a good person who you can be proud of and who others look up to.
Havinga successful life may mean something different to everyone. It could mean having a great career, having a family, being a good person or, if ou are like me, it might just means doing what makes you happy. And I know that being super skinny does not make me happy and that it therefore will not allow me to have a good or successful life. Please, think about what I have aid here really carefully as once you realise that life without anorexia is what will make you truly happy and healthy and once being thing becomes a lot less important to you, recovery really does become possible.
Something that I am currently working on is accepting my natural figure or body shape. I am not going to lie, I loved havng really skinny legs when I was sick. I wanted to be super skinny for years and whlst I was skinny, I really did love it but I know that is not how I am actually supposed to look. I know that I can not maintain that weight whilst I am living a normal and happy life and i know that my body cannot fuunction healthily whilst I am at that weight.
As I was walking around town yesterday in shorts, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in shop windows and I was pretty confused by what I saw. A part of me was happy, as I know that I have finally achieved what I have been trying to do for so long, which is restore my weight. But then there is the anorexic part of me screaming at me for all of the weight I have gained and wishing that I was thinner again.
I dont feel self consious of my whole body, just the parts that I also hated before I got sick. The difference now however is that I know that losing weight is not the answer. Instead, I need to learn to embrace my natural figure and accept it. In my opinion people waste their lives trying to fight their natural figures so that they can try and maintain a lower weight then they are genetically supposed to have. I do not want to be in a constant war with my body and with food so the only option is for me to accept myself, the way I am really supposed to be.
Yes my bum and thighs may not be really slim or slender but they really dont need to be in order for me to be happy. I am not overweight (in fact I am far from it) and I know that there is much more to life then just beingsuper skinny.
I found the following article from the recover warriors website really helpful, I hope you do to :)
7 STEPS TO EMBRACING AND LOVING YOUR BODY
Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care. ~Buddha
Just type in “woman”, “body” and “beauty” and you will get tons of articles representing unrealistic standards of the “perfect body”. These standards negatively influence our body image resulting in over 80% of U.S. women and 40% men being dissatisfied with their appearance and feeling the urge to change their body. At age thirteen, over 50% of American girls are unhappy with their body. At age seventeen, this percentage has gone up to 78%. A shocking observation.
For years my life was filled with counting calories, binges, beating myself up at the gym doing crazy workouts and having negative thoughts about my body. This love-hate relationship resulted in an eating disorder, which lasted for a decade. We tend to believe that changing our body will make us feel better, but no matter how close you get to beauty standards set by society, positive feelings will be short-lived and result in something else you want to change.
Dear Warriors: Hating your body will never get you as far as loving it will!
Whether your body is a size zero or a size twenty, loving your body lies in changing your body image, instead of changing its appearance. Body image is the way you perceive your body and how you believe others perceive it. It relates to the feelings about it and the sense of feeling connected with your body. Body image lies at the core of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Whether you are recovering from an eating disorder or not, developing a positive body image and loving your body just the way it is, is crucial to your happiness. Letting go of unrealistic beauty standards opens up the door to nurturing and loving your body.
However, body love is a tough journey, especially when you’ve been hating and criticizing yours for so long. It requires patience and investment. Feeling the urge to change your body’s appearance stems from dissatisfaction with the way it looks. How can you beat this negative body image and start loving your body?
Forgiving your body
The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. ~John Green
When you spend years of your life trying to change your body’s appearance and criticizing the way it looks, you probably didn’t treat it kindly. Let’s face it, the perfect body doesn’t exist. Unrealistic standards created by media and society aren’t representing any kind of beauty. They are designed to sell. When you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to buy their products. If you want to love your body, you should start by forgiving it for not being perfect.
Focus on the amazing functions of your body
Despite everything your body went through, it functions. Inside, there are millions of microscopic systems working without you even noticing. Your body is a unique and incredible creation. So instead of obsessing over how it looks, you can focus on the benefits it gives you. It will help you to see the negative consequences of destructive behaviors.
Learn How to Love Your Body
with this guided meditation
Become friends with your body
Put every negative feeling aside and write down every positive aspect of your body. Think about the things your body does for you every single day and what you can do with it. Once you do this, you’ll realize your body isn’t so bad to hang out with. You don’t need to love it yet, but become its friend. Consider your body as your buddy, with whom you work together to fulfill your dreams.
Accepting Your Body
Loving your body takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. Once you became friends with it and realize the benefits of your body, you can start accepting it. Look to yourself in the mirror without judgment. This doesn’t mean your inner-critic won’t speak up. However, you have the decision to silence that voice by not listening to it and decide to be kind to your body.
Appreciating your body
Once you accept your body the way it is, you can start learning to appreciate it. You don’t need to celebrate it yet, just be grateful for every aspect of it. When negative feelings arise you can say to yourself, “I am valuable no matter what size” and “My beauty doesn’t depend on the way my body looks.” Think about your passions and the dreams you want to fulfill and the role your body plays in fulfilling those dreams.
Nourish your body with a body love treatment. Think about taking a scented bath, a gently massage or dancing around naked. Anything you like which benefits your body and will make you feel connected with it.
After years of battling with my own body image I can now look in the mirror and be happy with my reflection. I found peace. Not in changing my body, but in changing and growing the way I perceive myself. And the funny thing is, when I was able to love myself, I was also able to live the life I wanted and do the things I found important. Being beautiful and having a positive body image is a feeling that comes from within and deserves to be unlocked.Loving your body is hard, but the process is gratifying and worth it. What does it give you? Your life!
How do you feel about your body? Let me know and leave your comments below!
*****************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
In this post I talk about my weight and BMI and there are also some photos of me when I was very underweight as well as when I am heealthy.
After getting up and weighing myself this morning, I was quite happy to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was over a week a go when I weighed myself last. My weight has been stable for around a month now and my body seems to be able to run healthily and happily at this weight. I am feeling really quite comfortable with the way my body currently looks which is an amazing feeling as I cant rememebr the last time I was actually happy with my body.
I am currrently eating a minimum daily intake of 2500 calories and I really do feel fantastic. I no longer experience any of the symptoms that I once experienced whilst restricting or undereating. The most noticeable difference to me is not actually with my physical health but instead with my mental health. I find that I can now think so clearly and my anxiety levels are also much lower then they have been for years.
Some professionals may argue that I have not gained enough weight as my bmi is still only 19, which is at the very bottom of the healthy weight range.
I have spoken to my GP about this and she is quite happy for me to remain at my current weight. The goal weight she initially set for me was 50 kg and she was thrilled that I has chosen to gain even more weight myself. My doctor knows how thin my parents and my siblings are and also knows what my figure was like before I developed anorexia and she seems to think that my current weight is a healthy weight for me.
Sometimes I feel as though I should keep gaining some more weight but only so that I can be a good role model for my readers, not for any other reason. I like my body the way it currently is and I worry that if I gain too much more weight I will become unhappy with the way I look again which will lead to bad body image for me as well as a possible relapse. Also, if I was not feeling so healthy and happy then I would be more inclined to gain some more weight, however I am feeling so fantastic, it feels quite unneccesary.
The main reason I don't want to 'stop half way' is beecause I know that making a full recovery is impossible if I faill to reach my natural healthy body weight. If a time ever comes that I feel as though I am still anorexic and unable to make any more progress, then this is when I will start trying to gain more weight again. For now however I can still feel myself making recovery progress and getting healthier and stronger each day so I am just going to continue letting my body maintain, as it currently is.
July 2013
July 2015
Something that I simply cant stress enough is that you need to listen to the doctors and health care professions who are looking after YOU. Just because my doctor says that it is ok for me to stop gaining weight at the weight I am currenttly at does not mean it is necessarily healthy for you to stop at a bmi of 19 too. We just need to do what is the best thing for OURSELVES and concentrate on getting healthy and making a full recovery. Keep fighting everyone, we can do this <3 xx
I have never been able to accept my body at a normal healthy weight and when I lost weight and got sick, I only became more convinced that I would never be able to be happy and accept my body the way it is naturally supposed to be. Now however, I can honestly say that I am starting to accept my body for the first time in my life. Of course I still have self conscious feeling and thoughts about my body sometimes, but most of the time, I am relatively happy with my body the way it now is.
I wanted to share this with you all so that you dont give up on ever being able to accept your body as I am living proof that it is possible. I hated my body when I was the weight I now am before I ever even got anorexia but now I just apreciate my body for what it is. I dont know if it is because I worked so hard to gain the weight or if it is due to all the positive self talk I have been using but somehow my self esteem in regards to my body has really been transformed.
I know that I am not naturally supposed to look extremely lean. I will always have curves and a little thin waist. My legs are naturally muscular and I may not always be able to fit into size 6 jeans. Now however, for the first time in my life I am ok with all of these things. After battling through everything I have been through over the last few years, I have now realised what is truly important in life and being super skinny is definetely not one of those things.
What matters is my happines and I can honestly say that I am happier at the moment then I have been for as long as I can remember. So I suppose being a slightly biggger size then I was once comfortable with really does seem like a tiny sacrifice if it enables me to be truly happy. After being so skinny and bony, I actually like the fact that my hips no longer stick right out. I also dont mind the fact that my figure is becoming more womenly again.
I used to look at really skinny girls and envy them and feel so jealous of them but now I just feel bad for them as I know hat they may be suffering with. I hate to think of anyone going through the pain and misery that an eating disorder brings to a person. Please keep working on accepting your body at a healthy weight. I promise you it is possible and it feels truly amazing to be able to be happy with yourself, the way you are naturally supposed to be.
I decided to share 5 of my eating disorder related goals as well as 5 other goals that are applicably to my life but are not necessarily recovery related. Always remember that just writing your gold down usually is not enough to ensure that you stick to your goals and actually reach them. Leave your goals written somewhere that you often look so that you can be reminded of them and so that you can keep actively trying to acchieve them. With a little hard work, no goal is to difficult to reach, we just have to believe that we are capable of raching them.
ED Related
1. Reach my healthy set point weight (whatever that may be)
2.Learn to love and appreciate my body at my natural set point
3. Leearn how to eat intuitive and stop counting calories or following meal plans
4. Make a full recovery from anorexia
5. Prove to EVERYONE that recovering from an eating disorder is possible
Non- ED related
1. To fully support my mum, while she tries to overcome her own battles
2. To be there for my little sister 100%, so she never feels alone
3. To complete my traineeship at the bank (I will still continue my job however)
4. Start saving more money (I know that money isn't everything, but it is still handy.)
5. Travel to Europe and while I am there I would love to meet some of my wonderful readers (unfortunately this is probably quite a few years away).
Knowing what your natural set point weight is can be really hard and this is still something that I get confused and anxious about every single day. I hope the following article can be helpful for you all, as I do not think it is possible to truly recover unless you are willing to reach and accept your natural set point.
How do you know your set point weight?
A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.
The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.
Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.
You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.
When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.
This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.
In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body!
Do you accept your body at its optimal natural weight or are you holding on to an unnatural size? No matter whether in your recovery, restoring physical health means gaining weight or not, I hope you choose the path towards full recovery. Learning to love and embrace your body at its natural set point weight will give you so much freedom and happiness in return!
I am starting to feel as though I do not want to gain anymore weight. I know that these are just anorexic thoughts but it has made me think about when I can stop trying so hard to gain weight. I would love to be able to just stop gaining weight now, now that my bmi falls within the healthy range and I am feeling so fantastic but I don't now if I should or not.
Perhaps I should just keep eating the same amount but stop restricting my exercise too so that I can build up some muscle. I lost a lot of muscle because of my anorexia and need to regain it. I know that this will make me gain some more weight also will which possibly get me to my natural set point. Afterall I know that to have a completely healthy body I need to have muscle AND fat on my body.
It is so hard to know what my ideal body weight is for me. My GP thinks that naturally my body weight is not that high, as both my parents are thin and I have always been relatively thin throughout my life too. In fact I have already reached the goal weight that she set for me.
Also, my bones no longer sick out terribely like they once did. Parts of my body like my arms still look quite thin however I think that this is mainly just due to losing all of the muscle in them. Once I rebuild the muscle I think they will look much healthier and be much closer to what they looked like at my pre anorexia weight. Otherwise, if I continue just gaining fat until I reach my ideal weight, I will overshoot my ideal weight once I start gaining muscle.
Most of the weight I have gained has gone to my thighs, chest and bum which were always the areas of my body that I was most self conscious about before I got sick which tells me that this is the figure I am naturally supposed to have. Obviously I am naturally supposed to have an hour glass figure so need to just keep working on accepting my body this way.
Please, if you have any advice for me at the moment I would really appreciate it. :)
These are some photos of me at a healthy weight before I got anorexia.
When I got up this morning, I weighed myself to find that my weight has not changed at all since last Wednesday. How this is even possible while eating more than 3000 calories, I have no idea. All I can say is that I think my metabolism has well and truly come out of starvation mode. I know that I need to increase my inake again but doing this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have had to do since I started my recovery. I do not want to eat anymore then I already am and I actually like the way my body looks and the meal plan I am on.
The fear I have of increasing my intake further and gaining more weight tells me that I am not recovered though, so I know that I need to keep fighting and keep gaining more weight. And if this means eating even more food then I am already eating, then that is exactely what I am going to do. I know that I should see this as a really positive thing, as if my body has maintained on 3000 calories it means that ALOT of energy has gone to repairing my body which means that I am getting healthier every single day. Also, this means that my metabolism is working properly and all of my body functions are working efficiently.
It is quite funny that my weight gain has stopped at my current weight, as my current bmi is exactely the bmi I was originally aiming to reach in my recovery. Since I made this goal however I have realised that it is important for me to go beyond this bmi. I have realised how important it is for me to reach my bodies natural set point and not just a minimally acceptable bmi. It is almost as if my anorexia is testing me out and trying to convince me to stop gaining weight now. But I am going to show my anorexia that I am strong enough to keep gaining weight. Just because I like my body the way it looks now does not mean I won't be able to like my body when it is a bit heavier as well.
Also, I am starting to get a cold so eating some extra food this week will help me to fight the virus off. I dont really know how I am going to increase my intake further then I already have. My snacks are already huge and so are my main meals. I considered just trying to add in calories whenever I can throughout the day, for example putting extra butter/spread on my toast or bread, puttting extra filling in my sandwhich, adding more milk to my hot chocolates, putting some more icecream on my pudding, adding more sauce to my dinners, having bigger pieces of fruit etc.
I do not know if these changes will be significant enough or not. I also think it would be good for me to do this as I would not know exactely how many calories I was eating, which would be good as it means I am being forced to let go of some of my control over food. What do you think? Do you think that making these changes are enough, provided that I really do commit to increasing these extras I have with my meals each dayor do you think I should add a whole other food item into my plan?
On my blog I have talked a lot about how important I think it is for an individual recovering from an eating disorder to continue gaining weight until they reach their bodies natural set point, however it can be very difficult for someone to know exactely what there natural set point is supposed to be. This is something that causes me a lot of anxiety as I honestly have no idea what my natural set point is.
My plan is to continue gaining weight until I reach my bodies natural set point however I will not necessarily know when I have reached my set point. Some people say that once you stop gaining weight on a recovery intake, you have physically recovered however I do not agree with this. For example although I am currently eating atleast 3000 calories, I have not gained any weight in the last 6 days. I do not think that this means I have reached my natural set point however, as I am still technically classified as underweight. Therefore if I still weigh the same amount in the morning (on my wednesday weigh in) I will have to increase my intake once again as this will mean that I have not gained any weight for a whole week.
The truth is, while we may be able to estimate what our set point is by looking at our bone structure and the weight of our parents, there is no way of knowing exactly what our set point may be. This is why I plan to reach a weight that I am confident is healthy and then once I start eating intuitively and not restricting at all, my weight should settle at my natural set point weight. If I slightly overestimate or underestimate my natural set point weight, it doesn't really matter as eventually my weight will settle at my natural set point, as long as I am eating and exercising healthily and not restricting or overeating.
Personally, I think I will know that I have reached a 'healthy weight' when I am able to think more rationally and clearly in regards to eating and my weight (i.e. my anorexic voice will almost be gone). I also think that I will have a normal layer of fat covering my entire body, so none of my bones will stick out unnaturally as some of them still currently do. I have decided to go off the pill that regulates my period (which I have been on since before I ever got anorexia), to see if my body can regularly have a normal period without the use of a contraceptive pill. This will also be another helpful indicator for me about whether or not I am at a healthy weight.
I am already confident that my metabolism has repaired as my weight gain has slowed right down even though I am eating proper recovery amounts. I also no longer experience the effects of starvation that I once had like feeling terribly cold, obsessing over food, feeling weak and lethargic or having a very slow heart rate. While all of these things are great as they show that I am getting healthier, I knoow that Istill am not weight restored nd therefore need to keep gaining weight.
If you think that you may have reached a healthy weight for you but are not sure, I think that it would be sensible to gain an extra kilo or two, just in case. Afterall if you overshoot your natural set point, your weight will drop back down once you start eating 'normally' again. Smilarily, if you continue to gain weight after going off of your weight gain diet, dont start restricting again. This just means that you have most likely stopped gaining weight too early and your body is therefore just finding it's natural set point. I do not think that anyone should stop trying to gain weight before they atleast reach a healthy bmi (between 18.5-24.9).
I guess the main message I am trying to get across in this post, is that you need to learn to trust your body. Please Remember that this is just my opinion on set point and recovery. I am not saying that I am definetely right. If your doctor or another professional hass told you otherwise, please do not take my advice over theirs. For some more information on knowing what your set point is supposed to be, you can visit the recovery warriors website at; https://www.recoverywarriors.com/let-go-of-the-perfect-body-and-trust-your-set-point-weight/
As I have mentioned before, I do not have a full length mirror in my house so I dont see my entire reflection very often which i have found really helpful in my recovery. This has meant that although I am obviously getting bigger, I havent really had many chances to notice my weight gain. Although I can obviously look at certain parts of my body (i.e. my legs, stomach or arms) individually and notice differences in them, I dont really see my whole body at any one time.
Sometimes however I do see my entire reflection and when I do see it, I am usually quite shocked by how much bigger I look. Yesterday I was walking up the street in a pair of jeans and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in some shop windows. Compared to how my relection once looked wearing jeans in those very same windows, I looked completely different. Me legs seriously looked twise as big as they once did and I started feeling incredibely upset and anxious about this.
I sarted feeling a bit down about the fact that I no longer look super skinny, like I once did but eventually I started to see that this was not a bad thing. I may not look noticeably thin anymore but I do look healthy! So what if people dont look at me anymore and instantly think about how skinny I am, I should be happy about this, not upset. Although we may not always realise it whilst we are underweight and sick, being underweight is not attractive. While recoovering we need to try and see our weight gain as something possitive, that makes us look a lot better as this is the truth.
I know that people would now see me and notice how much weight I have gained and this does make me feel uncomfortable, as Weight gain is something I have seen as negative for so long now. But the people would not be thinking, 'Karly has gained a lot of weight, which looks bad.' They would be thinking 'Karly has gained a lot of weight and she is finally looking better/healthier'. in recovery we really need to start trying to see weight gain as a good thing and something we can be happy/ proud about, instead of somehing to be asaimed of upset about.
My doctors appointment went really well! My doctor was delighted when she weighed me and saw that I have gained so much weight. My GP hasnt been able to help me a lot in my actual anorexia recovery but she has always tried to keep a close check on me to make sure I was medically stable by weighing me, doing blood tests and helping me to treat my skin. She has given me an acne ointment that I have found really helpful in the past as well as two types of antibiotics. One to treat my current infection and another preventative antibiotic that I can take to try and prevent my infections from happening in the first place. I also got a doctors certificate so that I was allowed the day off work.
My doctor made the comment that I was only 1 kilogram off off being x kilograms, which is the weight she initially said that I needed to reach but I didnt tell her that I am planning to gain weight beyond that weight. It is very hard for me to continue gaining weight, especially since my doctor has basically said I dont need to. My anorexia hates the fact that I am choosing to gain more weight 'unneccesarily' but I know that it is the right thing to do. Deep down I know that my natural set point is more than the weight my doctor has told me so I dont want to stop before I feel as though I am properly weight restored. I want to learn to love my body the way it is naturally supposed to be, so that I can be truly happy and healthy.
As usual I was in chatting to my doctor for 45 minutes instead of the 15 minutes I was supposed to be. She knows all about my mum so I talked to her for a long time about that which I found really helpful. Although I appreciate her kindness I am sure that the people in the waiting room were not impressed at all for having to wait so long. I went to the pharmacy on the way home to pick up all of my prescriptions before coming home to make myself some lunch. For lunch I had a small tin of cheesy spaghetti on buttered toast, an apple and a mini custard tart which was a nice change. I think mum is calling in this afternoon to visit me and see how I am going.
When I first started to recover, my recovery goal weight was the weight I would be when I reached a bmi of 18.5. I new that a bmi of between 18.5 and 25 was classified as normal or not underweight, therefore believed that as long as I had a bmi of 18.5, I would be healthy. I now know that this is not necessarily the case.
My new goal is to reach my bodies natural set point as it is only at this weight, my body will be able to function properly and healthily, allowing me to have a healthy relationship with food. I honestly have no idea what my natural body weight is anymore but I am 99% sure it would not occur at a bmi if exactly 18.5.
I found the following article from the Recovery Warriors website incredibly interesting and it allowed me to realise just why you shouldnt aim to get to a minimally acceptable bmi. As explained in the article, if you are completely unwilling to go any higher than what is considered to be the minimum weight in your healthy bmi range, this is an indication that you still are not recovered.
In order to truly recovery, you need to stop fighting for a body that isn't yours. Instead you must learn to love and accept your body for what it naturally is.
LET GO OF THE PERFECT BODY AND TRUST YOUR SET POINT WEIGHT
Restoring physical health and reaching a healthy weight is the first priority in eating disorder treatment, being it a prerequisite for psychological treatment. While the approach is straightforward, many people recovering from an eating disorder experience gaining weight as one of the most frightening parts of the process. Often, treatment professionals determine a healthy target weight by taking into account growth charts and BMIguidelines. This number can be considered as the lowest acceptable weight within the healthy range. Why is the use of static guidelines and target weights problematic?
As a ratio using weight and height BMI doesn’t consider body composition, age and genetics. Achieving a healthy weight in recovery is important, there is no doubt about that. The problem lies in the way target weight is determined. It’s tempting to believe that reaching a target goal weight implies being at a healthy state. I remember myself being confronted with a target weight set by my doctor and dietitian. Not only I became obsessed with focusing on weight gain and the number on the scale, I also considered it as a maximum weight acceptable for me, which logically just fueled my eating disordered way of thinking and reasoning.
The truth is, there is no pre-determined number that can define your health, nor your most optimal weight. Like each individual eating disorder is unique and calls for a personalized treatment plan, so does each body. Your body has an optimal set point weight. This is the weight where it reaches optimal health. In most cases, the set point weight differs from the target goal weight, holding many people recovering back from full recovery when trying to maintain their unhealthy target weight. This is something many people in recovery struggle with, since how do you know your set point weight? Do you need to eat less once you reach your target goal weight? What if weight gain doesn’t stop?
How do you know your set point weight?
A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.
The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.
Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.
You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.
When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.
This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.
In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body!
*please note. I have not talked about exact weights in this post but I have talked about bmi so if you think this may be triggering, skip this post :)
Today I got asked a really important question by a reader and thought it would be a good idea to write a post on the topic. The question was;
I have got a question. When you write about a healthy bmi - which one are you thinking about? 18, 19, 20? :) i think there are different opinions about what is a healthy weight.
Tobe completely honest, while planning my weight gain throughout my recovery so far I have considered reaching a bmi of 18.5 as reaching a healthy weight as this is when I would no longer be classified as underweight. Since being asked this question however I am starting to remember back to my time in hospital when my doctor said that a healthy bmi for a recovered anorexic was atleast 20. I dont think I can really tell now what a healthy recovered weight will be for me and I may need to wait until I reach it before knowing that I am both mentally and physically healthy.
So I suppose you could say that the weight I will be at when my bmi is 18.5 is my FIRST goal weight or MINIMUM goal weight. After reaching this point I am very aware that I will most likely need to continue gaining weight. Genetically, I am a thin person, just like both my parents and my GP has said that she thinks I need to get to xx kilograms (which is equivelent to a bmi if 18.5 for me).
I found the following information here and thought it explained the way doctors determine initial goal weight really well.
A variety of factors go into deciding the target weight and range. Often, physicians will consult pediatric growth charts to determine a reasonable weight based on the individual’s height and age. These charts are important for revealing growth patterns and may show a tendency for the person suffering from the illness to be similar to a particular percentile within the population. Further consideration is given to lowest and highest weights the person has achieved within the last several months, as well as their growth and weight throughout their life. Also, they will look at the person’s body type, and the body types found within their family. “We note the height and size of her mother and the age at onset of menses in the mother and female siblings. We also note the patient’s growth and weight curve from the time of birth,” notes Dr. Katherine Halmi of Cornell University Medical College.
Becoming completely weight restored for me will not be when I reach this minimally acceptable bmi but when I reach my natural set point. At this weight I know that I will be physically healthy as my body will be able to work optimally. I would like to thank the reader who asked me this question as it has reminded me that reaching a minimally acceptable bmi does not constitute becoming weight restored. It has reminded me that while reaching this bmi may be an acceptable short term goal, my real goal should be to get my weight back to MY natural set point. Once I am satisfied that I have reached my optimum set point my plan is to stop counting calories and following a set meal plan and learn how to eat intuitively. For anyone who doesnt know what intuitive eating is, it is the concept of eating based upon what your body tells you it wants. I have read a fair bit about intuitive eating and believe that it is the best way to live a happy and healthy life. It requires you to have a lot of trust in your body as you need to listen to your body at all times without ever restricting. If you would like to read more about intuitive eating click here. I found the following information from here really helpful to help determine what you natural set point is;
How do you know your set point weight?
A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.
The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.
Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.
You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.
When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.
This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.
In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body.
