Back to work

I cant believe the weekend is over already and now I am going back to work for another week. I really feel as though I could do with a day resting after working all weekend but that will just have to wait for Thursday as that is my next day off work. After a good nights sleep last night, I am not really feeling too tired. In fact I am feeling quite energized! I just ate breakfast and when I finish writing this post I am going to get ready and take Tess for a walk.

Breakfast: Toast with Cashew Spread and Vanilla Oats

At the moment I am really enjoying getting outside and taking Tess for nice long walks but I don't feel as though I HAVE to do this which is good. Afterall, it is so easy to get addicted to exercise or to use it as a compensation tool for eating and I really don't want to do anything like that. Ass long as I am exercising purely for enjoyment and health I am happy but I do not think that it is healthy for me to exercise if I don't enjoy it.

I am feeling quite healthy at the moment. My skin is good which I think is a refection of my overall health and my mental health seems to be quite good too. I would like to eventually stop taking my anxiety medication as I don't think I really need it anymore. I think that becoming weight restored has allowed my mind to get much better too and this has allowed me to start thinking more clearly. It really is amazing how much eating more and gaining weight can help you in all aspects of life, including your anxiety levels.

Today I am working at the bank which should be ok. It is only a 7 hour work day which is good as I do find working at the bank quite exhausting. I suppose the reason why I find it quite tiring is because there is always so much to learn and you have to be actively thinking all the time. There is just so much to do and so much to learn but I know that I can only do my best and that I cant stress myself out. Afterall, stressing out isn't going to help me at all, it will just make learning everything more difficult.

I hope that everyone had a fantastic weekend and that your week ahead is fantastic too! Remember you can do anything you set your mind too, as long as you believe in yourself! x

Taking anxiety medication

For years my doctor wanted me to take medication for my anxiety however I refused. She thought that it would help a lot with the anxiety I had associated with my anorexia and thought that taking it would allow me to make more progress in my recovery. I had a few reasons for not wanting to take this type of medication. I don't think I was truly ready to get better yet and I was not yet ready to stop listening to my anorexia. I had heard that anti anxiety and depression medications could cause weight gain (which certainly has not been the case for me) so I was worried that my doctor only wanted me to take the medication to make me gain weight. I also felt as though taking a medication like this would mean that I was weak, as taking this kind of medication would mean that I was not able to get better on my own.

Eventually, I decided to give taking anxiety medication a proper go but it was not actually for my eating disorder recovery I decided to do this, it was actually just before I started my new job. I was worried that my anxiety and self doubt would prevent me from being confident enough in myself to actually do my new job at the bank. However once I started taking the daily medication, My anxiety did not only imensely improve at work, it also improved in regards to my anorexia as well. Now the amount of anxiety I feel whenever I fight my anorexia is much more barable, which means that I am able to start making more and more progress in my recover.

As I have been eating so much more and allowing my mind to repair, I have been able to think so much clearer and more rationally so my anxiety has got even better still. Once My mind is completely recovered I do not feel as though I will need to continue taking the anxiety medication at all, as I will be strong enough to control the anxiety I get from day to day by myself and I dont expect I will sufffer from anxiety, anywhere near as much once I make a full recovery. Afterall, it is only since I started starving my poor brain that my anxiety has gotten so out of control. I do not feel weak for taking anxiety medication and neither should you. As long as you recover from your eating disorder, who cares what you must do in order to achieve it (as long as you are not doing anything dangerous or unhealthy of course).

To me, getting happy and healthy is all that matters and if doing that requires me to take a small anxiety tablet each morning to keep my anxiety at barable levels whilst I choose to fight my anorexia, then that is exactly what I will do. I do not feel ashaimed of the fact that I was not able to cope with the extreme anxiety associated with recovery on my own. I am proud because I know that I  am doing everything in my power to ensure that I make a full recovery from anorexia and fight it every day with everything I have got! So please, if you feel as though your extreme anxiety is preventing you from sticking to your meal plan or doing any of the other things you need to do in order to recover, talk to a doctor about taking some anxiety medication. I know I would not have been able to make as much progress as I have without it and it really could be the difference between whether you recover from anorexia, or die with this awful illness.

Anorexia and Anxiety

Like lots of others who suffer from an eating disorder, I also suffer from anxiety. I do not believe that my eating disorder caused my anxiety as I was very anxious and insecure as a child, long before I developed anorexia. If anything I would say that my anxiety contributed to me developing anorexia. While I never considered myself to have anxiety when I was younger, looking back I know that I definetely did.

I hated going to bed of a night when I was a kid as I would lay there for what felt like hours, terrified that something bad would happen in the night. I was frightened the house could burn down, a murderer would come or someone would try and break in. I was a frequent sleep walker and my mum would often find me sobbing and very distressed in the hallway in the middle of the night. When she asked me what was wrong I would reply through tears 'I don't know.' Mum would try to calm me down and put me back to bed but I never remembered it in the morning.


Numerous times throughout my life I remember going into a strange state that until now I was unable to explain. Sometimes it would happen while I was laying in bed trying to get to sleep, other times it would happen while I was at school in stressful situations. All of a sudden the world around me would go really quiet and all I would be able to hear is my heart beat pulsing loudly and ringing in my ears. I would feel really confused, disorientated and scared while it was happening and had no idea of the amount of time that was passing. Now I know that these little episodes were in fact panic attacks but at the time I had no idea what they were. I never told anyone about it when it would happen as I couldn't explain what was happening I thought that something was wrong with me.

It wasn't until I got to college and was placed in various stressful situations that would bring on these attacks that I realised it was some type of panic attack. I knew that something was wrong when I could barely read a page out of a novel in front of year my 11 english class without feeling as though I couldn't breathe and that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My voice would quiver and shake which was really embarrasing and made me even more anxious about public speaking.

As well as being party responsible for the development of my anorexia, I also think that my anxiety has prolonged the amount of time I have been sick. I feel as though I would have been able to recover much sooner if it wasn't for my anxiety. The reason I listened to my anorexia for so long is because I felt as though the anxiety I would feel if I went against my anorexic thoughts was unbearable.

I wish I could say that I was able to overcome this anxiety on my own but this is not the case. The truth is, I have only felt as though it was possible to fight my anorexia since going on anti-anxiety medication. My doctor has wanted me to take medication for my anxiety for years but until a few months ago, I had refused. I felt like taking medication would be a sign of weakness but now I know that I was wrong to feel this way. There is nothing weak about accepting help when you need it. Accepting that I was not going to recover on my own and doing what I needed to do in order to recover is one of the bravest things I have ever done.

Please, if you suffer from anxiety and are trying to recover from an eating disorder, don't completely eliminate the idea of taking anti-anxiety medication. I know that it feels like a big deal but it is honestly one of the best desicions I have ever made in regards to my recovery. No, taking medication doesn't make the anxiety go away completely, but it does make the anxiety more bearable. I don't think I would have been able to progress as far as I have without it and haven't regretted my decision to take the medication for a moment.