4am thoughts

Considering I didnt go to bed until midnight last night, I know that I am up far too early but I simply couldnt sleep. I honestly think I have spent more time awake then asleep over the last 4 hours since going to bed as it is so noisy and windy but surprisingly I dont feel that tired. If I had to work today I would be more frustrated about not being able to sleep but since I dont, it doesn't really bother me.  I am the type of person who doesnt usually get angry ir upset about things like this that you simply cannot help or control, afterall getting angry or upset wont let me get to sleep either. Since I am home all day, I also know that I can have a sleep if I get too tired.

I almost felt hyporactive when I got home from the football at about 8:15 last night which is why I didnt go to bed until so late. I honestly think that the reason I felt so happy and bubbly last night was because I had spent the whole afternoon and evening with my wonderful dad. My dad is my rock and is the only person in the world that I never run out of things to talk about with. I dont know if it is because we are so similar but we just get one another so well. We spent 4 hours driving to the football and then home but I dont think we stopped talking the whole way. We chatted about everything you can possible think of; our jobs, our farm, whats been going on in our lives and also any of our current worries.

As I said, my dad is my rock but I think that I may be his as well. If either of us ever need to talk about anything at all, we know we can always rely on one another for support. This is the way it has been for as long as I can remember and I hope that it will always be like this. Unfortunately we dont get the chance to talk as often as we did before I moved out of home, as my mum doesnt like my dad and I spending time together. While I get angry that mum stops dad and I from seeing more of one another, it does make me cherish and appreciate any time we do get to spend together more.

Today Amy is coming to my house for the day which should be really nice. I always try to be there for Amy as she really has a lot to deal with as a 12 year old girl living in a very complicated household. I have made it very clear to Amy that she can talk to me if she feels she needs to talk to someone to talk to someone and luckily she is starting to do this a little more now. Up until recently she never wanted to talk about anything that went on at home, which really worried me as I knew that a little girl bottling up so much wasnt healthy. I think she now realises that she can trust me with anything at all and that she wont get in trouble for saying how she truly feels. I never push the subject with her either, as I can understand that she may just not want to think about our problems from home when she isnt there. I want her visits and sleepovers to be an escape for her, from any problems at home but I also want her to feel like she can talk to me if she needs to.

I hope the wind dies down today, otherwise it will be hard to even take Tess for a walk. Amy and I will probably just spend the day snuggled by the fire watching movies and tv series. Hopefully the power doesnt go off as this quite often happens in severe windy weather like this when trees fall on top of power lines.
I hope that everyone else has had/is having/has a fantastic day (this time difference thing can complicate things a little ;)).

Day 25: what/who in your life makes you smile ear to ear? Why?

I decided to list my top  things that make me smile from ear to ear (in no particular order).

- Tess
No matter what sort of mood I am in, Tess can always make me smile. She is the most affectionate dog you could ever ask for and is always trying her hardest to please me. She is also very funny in the way she acts or responds to different things. Even if she does something naughty I cant keep a straight face and act cross towards her because she rolls onto her back and plays dead which is way too cute.

- Dad

my dad is the one person who can always make me feel good and happy. Whenever he looks and smiles at me I honestly cant help but smile back. He is possibely the only person who has always been able to make me feel special and loved.

I love this photo of us as we both look so happy. We arent just smiling for the camera like people usually do in photos. We are just naturally smiley and happy because we are talking to one another.

-Getting a lovely comment from a reader

Getting lovely comments from people who read my blog makes me feel so happy. The comments from readers that make me the happisest are the ones that say I am helping them in their recoveries. Ever since getting sick myself and seeing how hard anorexia is to overcome, helping others recover from anorexia has been something I have become very passionate about. Therefore having people say that my blog is inspiring them to recover means the world to me and makes me extremely happy.

Day 16: List 5 things you are greatful for

1. The wonderful relationship I have with my dad

Throughout my entire life my dad has been the one person who I could always rely on. Even when I got really sick he never stopped believing in me and supporting me. He helped me more than anyone could, not by yelling or telling me to eat, but my letting me know he loved me every single day. I honestly dont know where I would be without my dad. I dont know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man as my dad but for this I will always be incredibly grateful.

2. Our online blogging community

I am so grateful for the recovery community that I am a part of. Before I started reading recovery blogs, I felt completely alone and felt as though recovery was impossible. Reading recovery blogs has shown me that recovery is possible however and has offered me so much helpful advice about how to actually get better. So I am grateful for every person who is a part of our online recovery community. To other blog authors, to the people who read my blog and to those who leave motivational comments. I am so grateful for each and every one of you as you make me feel like I am a part of something truly wonderful and something worth fighting for.

3. That I realised I needed to change before it was too late

I am very grateful for the moment I actually realised I would die if I didnt change the way I was living. I was laying in bed, completely exhausted after a day of exercising and eating very little. I was frozen, despite the fact that I had my electric blanket on high but didnt have the energy to go and put another layer of clothes on. For some reason I suddenly wondered what my heart rate would be. I lifted two of my fingers to my neck and started the timer on my phone. My heart rate was only 30 beats per minute. I suddenly felt terrified as I knew my heart rate was way too low. As I fell asleep that night, I made a promise to myself that if I actually woke up the next morning, I would try to change.

4. For living in such a safe and fortunate country

If you think about it, the circumstances you are born into is purely based on luck. I could have been born into an african family who were incredibely poor, without even having enough food to keep me alive. Just as I could have been born as a member of a family living in israel or Iraq, where I would be put in dangerous life threatening situations every single day. I feel very grateful to be an Australian as I have never had to worry about extreme poverty or living within war zones. I know that I need to recover so that I make the most of this wonderful life I have been given.

5. The fact that I can now eat delicious foods

I know it sounds stupid but after denying myself of eating for so long, I feel very grateful for now being able to eat nice foods again. I didnt realise just how much I loved food until I stopped eating it. When I was really sick, I accepted the fact that I would never be able to eat nice foods again, but now I am eating them every single day and for this I am very grateful.

My dessert tonight: chocolate self saucing pudding with vanilla icecream

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

I try my hardest not to dwell on the past but something I do feel very guilty about is the way I have hurt my dad through my illness. I was never mean to him and we never fought whilst I was sick but I know that I was still breaking his heart by starving myself. He could see that I was slowly killing myself and I can only imagine how awful it would have been for him.

While I was not particularly close to my dad when I was really little, ever since I was about 12 we have had a wonderful relationship. The more I grew away from my mum as I got older, the closer I got to my dad. I would spend hours and hours out on the farm with my dad and we would talk about everything. I am very proud of the fact that out of all of my siblings, I am the most like my dad. Not only do I look like him but our personalities are also very similar which probably explains why we connect so well.

My dad is the one person I have always felt as though I could be completely honest with. I dont know where I would be today if it wasnt for the support my dad has given me. He has been my rock through some very difficult times in my life. Even though my dad and mum are still together, my dad never got mad at me for going to him when I was having problems with my mum. I know that this could have put him in a difficult situation at times but he never complained and listened to every word I ever had to say with zero judgement.

My dad has not only listened to me about my problems over the years, but I  have listened to his too. I know if dad ever needs to talk to someone he will come to me and ask if I want to go for a drive out on the farm where he would get everything off of his chest. At first, I found it a little hard that dad was relying on me so much as someone to talk to as it was a lot for a little girl to deal with. Now however I love the fact that he needs me too as it makes me feel needed.




Words honestly cant explain how much I love my dad. Dad dealt with my anorexia in the best way I could have possibely hoped for. Dad realised early on that I wouldn't get better until I truly wanted to and that he couldn't make it happen for me. Dad never got angry with me and never yelled or screamed at me but I could tell how much he was hurting every time he saw me skip a meal or caught me secretly exercising. The hurt I saw in his eyes did more to help me want to recover than yelling or screaming would have anyway. I will never know how dad managed to stay so patient with me but I do no it myst have taken every fibre of strengtg he had. My dad was the main reason I wanted to recover in the very first place as I realised how much I was hurting him and I couldn't bare it anymore.

I know I mentioned that my dad would sometimes jokingly tease me about my weight before I got sick in a past post but you should also know that he is the only person who has ever made me feel special. He constantly would tell me how beautiful and gorgeous I was and although I didn't really believe him, it still made me feel good about myself. If he ever heard me say I was fat he would instantly argue and tell me I was perfect. When I lost lots of weight, while my dad still reminded me constantly of how much he loved me, he stopped calling me gorgeous. This also helped me to want recovery as it allowed me to see that becoming so thin hadn't made me more beautiful at all, so there was no point in looking that way.

Even now one of my motivators to get better and restore my weight is that I want my dad to look at me again one day and tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and for him to really mean it. I have never seen a daughter and dad as close as we are and I will be forever grateful for having the special bond that we share.



I know it is important to forgive myself for hurting my dad as he wouldnt want me to feel guilty and for it to hold me back in my recovery. Instead of dwelling on the fact I have caused my dad pain, I will use it to motivate me in my recovery. Afterall, making a full recovery is the best way I can make up for all the hurt I have caused him and show him just how much I love him.