Thursday, 7 May 2015

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

I try my hardest not to dwell on the past but something I do feel very guilty about is the way I have hurt my dad through my illness. I was never mean to him and we never fought whilst I was sick but I know that I was still breaking his heart by starving myself. He could see that I was slowly killing myself and I can only imagine how awful it would have been for him.

While I was not particularly close to my dad when I was really little, ever since I was about 12 we have had a wonderful relationship. The more I grew away from my mum as I got older, the closer I got to my dad. I would spend hours and hours out on the farm with my dad and we would talk about everything. I am very proud of the fact that out of all of my siblings, I am the most like my dad. Not only do I look like him but our personalities are also very similar which probably explains why we connect so well.

My dad is the one person I have always felt as though I could be completely honest with. I dont know where I would be today if it wasnt for the support my dad has given me. He has been my rock through some very difficult times in my life. Even though my dad and mum are still together, my dad never got mad at me for going to him when I was having problems with my mum. I know that this could have put him in a difficult situation at times but he never complained and listened to every word I ever had to say with zero judgement.

My dad has not only listened to me about my problems over the years, but I  have listened to his too. I know if dad ever needs to talk to someone he will come to me and ask if I want to go for a drive out on the farm where he would get everything off of his chest. At first, I found it a little hard that dad was relying on me so much as someone to talk to as it was a lot for a little girl to deal with. Now however I love the fact that he needs me too as it makes me feel needed.

Words honestly cant explain how much I love my dad. Dad dealt with my anorexia in the best way I could have possibely hoped for. Dad realised early on that I wouldn't get better until I truly wanted to and that he couldn't make it happen for me. Dad never got angry with me and never yelled or screamed at me but I could tell how much he was hurting every time he saw me skip a meal or caught me secretly exercising. The hurt I saw in his eyes did more to help me want to recover than yelling or screaming would have anyway. I will never know how dad managed to stay so patient with me but I do no it myst have taken every fibre of strengtg he had. My dad was the main reason I wanted to recover in the very first place as I realised how much I was hurting him and I couldn't bare it anymore.

I know I mentioned that my dad would sometimes jokingly tease me about my weight before I got sick in a past post but you should also know that he is the only person who has ever made me feel special. He constantly would tell me how beautiful and gorgeous I was and although I didn't really believe him, it still made me feel good about myself. If he ever heard me say I was fat he would instantly argue and tell me I was perfect. When I lost lots of weight, while my dad still reminded me constantly of how much he loved me, he stopped calling me gorgeous. This also helped me to want recovery as it allowed me to see that becoming so thin hadn't made me more beautiful at all, so there was no point in looking that way.

Even now one of my motivators to get better and restore my weight is that I want my dad to look at me again one day and tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and for him to really mean it. I have never seen a daughter and dad as close as we are and I will be forever grateful for having the special bond that we share.

I know it is important to forgive myself for hurting my dad as he wouldnt want me to feel guilty and for it to hold me back in my recovery. Instead of dwelling on the fact I have caused my dad pain, I will use it to motivate me in my recovery. Afterall, making a full recovery is the best way I can make up for all the hurt I have caused him and show him just how much I love him.

1 comment:

  1. <3 oh hun, such a moving and touching piece of writing, I could feel your pain as I read it hun :'( and I can totally relate to it as well. But I know that the steps you are currently taking now hun towards reovery and health are making your daddy so, so proud of you and wil give him so much happiness and hope. for the future.
    Here is my post hun: