Getting through a difficult day

Unfortunately today has not been a great day. My anorexia has been stronger and more aggressive then it usually is but I can honestly say I have not let it interfere with my recovery. I have still managed to fight every single anorexic thought I have had and have not let my anorexia control my actions.

When I went into the mall I began comparing myself to every girl I saw, determining whether I was thinner than her or not. I haven't done this for a really long time and it made me feel awful, to be feeling so self conscious and inadequate.  Every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window my anorexia would tell me that I am starting to look bigger and that I shouldnt gain anymore weight but I refused to listen to these lies. I know I NEED to gain more weight if I want to allow my body and mind to recover and so that I can get rid of this anorexic voice inside my head for good.

Every meal I ate my anorexia told me I should restrict but I didn't. I was extremely anxious about ordering a meal for my tea and my anorexia told me to just order a 'light meal' or 'entree' but I didnt. Instead I took I took a deep breath, dialled room service and ordered a full sized meal. My anorexia told me after every single bite that I had already eaten way too much and that I shouldnt eat anymore but I continued eating until it was all gone.

After tea, my anorexic thoughts told me I shouldnt eat as much dessert as I usually do as I had eaten more tea but I disregarded this thought as well. I knew that compensating for eating a larger meal by restricting in another would mean giving into my anorexia, which is something I do not want to do. Even now, after just finishing my hot chocolate I am feeling extremely anxious about what I have eaten today. I am also feeling quite sick which I think is due to the fact I have eaten so much tonight, as well as because I am feeling so anxious.

Tea: Grilled fish, Chips and salad

2 tubs of vanilla creamed rice, 1 diced pear and 1 tub of diced peaches 

Although I have had a hard day, I am not dissapointed in myself for having all of the Anorexic thoughts I did, as we can not control what thoughts we have. Something we should take responsibility for however is how we act upon these anorexic thoughts as that is something we are able to control. If I had given into all of the strong anorexic thoughts I had today, then I would have a reason to be dissapointed in myself, but I didn't and this is something I should be proud of. Today I chose recovery.

Although today has been a hard day, not once did I ever give up. Today I proved that I am stronger then my anorexia and that while it is very painful and difficult not to listen to your anorexic thoughts, it is possible.

Unfortunately recovery is painful but we all need to remember and believe that we are strong enough to get through it. And we must know that the reward at the end, to fully recover, is worth every bit of pain you may experience.

It is also important that you forgive yourself if your anorexic thoughts are ever too overpowering and manage to influence decisions or actions you make. These types of moments are almost inevitable in recovery and as we learn from them and continue to move forward, it is ok.

Remember that no matter what happens, if you are doing your absolute best, you are doing enough. As long as long as you are fighting your anorexia with all that you have, no matter what happens you should be proud of yourself.