Similarities between sufferers

Something I have always found pretty unbelievable since becoming ill is how similar people with anorexia can be in their personalities as well as there behaviors. I find it amazing that I can have the exact same habits or rituals as other anorexics who live on the other side of the world who I have never met. How is it that we started practicing the exact same rituals? It is almost as if it is somehow 'programmed into our illness.'

I have many Personality traits that are common amongst other anorexia sufferers. My whole life I have been a perfectionist and an over achiever. I  compared myself to other people while I was growing up a lot and would feel disappointed in myself if I thought I wasn't as good as somone else. I have always been a very anxious and sensitive person which made me doubt myself and constantly worry that I was doing something wrong. I cared way too much about what others thought about me and was always paranoid people were judging me.


The following article taken from here explains a bit more about these personality traits;

The Personality traits such as neuroticism (emotional stability), obsessiveness, and perfectionism play a large role in facilitating some eating disorders, particularly anorexia and bulimia. Research suggests that these traits are at least partially driven by genetics. Individuals with these personality features are predisposed to be anxious, depressed, perfectionistic and self-critical; all factors that may contribute to their difficulty managing weight and eating in a healthy manner.

Individuals with anorexia and bulimia tend to be quite competitive, and are quite driven to succeed. They tend to compare their appearance and accomplishments against unrealistic standards and typically find themselves lacking. Most of these judgments involve culturally-derived or peer-sanctioned standards rather than personal expectations. In other words, people with eating disorders are primarily concerned about what others think of them, rather than what they think of themselves. Other people with eating disorders, such as athletes, tend to judge themselves against internally derived standards, and get upset when they fail to live up to their own ideals, expectations and goals.

Regardless of what set of standards they judge themselves against, perfectionists always strive to meet the highest standard of performance possible. They easily find themselves in a self-defeating cycle of fear and dissatisfaction when they fail to meet their expectations and goals, even when such expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. This sense of fear and dissatisfaction is exactly the fuel and motivation that perpetuates a renewed drive toward thinness, perfection, and control. Hence, the endless cycle of dysfunctional eating behavior that constitutes eating disorders.

A capacity for obsessive thinking tends to accompany perfectionism with regard to eating disorders, particularly with anorexics. Anorexic individuals become hyper-focused or obsessed with food and with the idea of controlling their eating so as to become thin. Other elements of extreme thinking may be observed as well, notably a tendency towards rigid "black and white" (for example, I am either perfect or terrible) thinking. Because of their mental inflexibility, anorexic individuals may be unwilling or unable to acknowledge that their behaviors are out of control and that there are alternative ways to become happy besides weight loss. They perceive any deviation from their self-imposed weight-loss regime as an unacceptable failure. As a result, they may have great difficulty accepting suggestions or advice from others, even from those they know to be well-meaning. People with eating disorders may experience such supportive attempts as evidence that others don’t really understand them.

There are various behaviors and rituals that I adopted whilst suffering from anorexia that I was surprised to read that other anorexics also practiced whilst sick. Meals had to be eaten under perfect conditions. I preffered to be alone and I had to eat at the right time of day. Eating before my normal meal time made me feel weak as it would mean giving into the temptation of hunger. I became very specific when selecting my crockery and cutlery. I would eat everything with a teaspoon, child sized fork and knife so that it would take me longer to finish my meal. Early on in my illness I always cut my food into tiny pieces and ate tiny mouthfuls of food at a time but since starting to eat more, this behavior has subsided. I would choose the smallest bowl or plate that my food could fit into so I felt as though I was eating more than I actually was.

I prepared all my food by myself and was too frightened to leave my food unnattended as I was scared someone would tamper with it. I liked watching tv while I ate my meals and would even stop eating in ad breaks for some bizarre reason. I always needed to have a glass or bottle of water with me while I was eating a meal and my food had to be nice and hot and well prepared. I kept all of my food in my bedroom so no one else would touch it and prepared some meals inside my bedroom. I would instantly become very defensive if anyone ever questioned me about my behavior or my food. I cooked alot for my family but never tried anything I baked for them as I couldnt be sure of the calories it contained. I had to know the exact number of calories in everything I ate so obsessively weighed and measured out everything.

It is important to remember that although there are some similarities between sufferers, no two cases of anorexia are identicle and that there will always be some differences. You should never feel as though you are expected to act a certain way because you are anorexic. Dont feel as though something is wrong with you or that you arent really sick because you dont have a specific anorexic behavior or because you have a symptom that is not very common. Everyones illnesses will vary and recovery journeys will also be very different for everyone.

While it is common for anorexics to leave food in the bottom of food containers or on your plate I have never done this. In fact, I have always eaten the entirety of what I had told myself I was allowed to eat before starting a meal. It is a habit of mine to scrape bowls and plates until they are completely clean and it doesnt matter how full I am, I will always finish every single meal. I also never skip meals which I know other anorexics commonly do. I think that this is because I love food so much and therefore once I decide what I am going to eat I have in a way given my self permission to eat that meal. As long as my meal fitted into my daily calorie allowance at that time, while I ate it I felt reasonabely comfortable and didnt feel the need to leave any as I knew I wasnt eating too much. Has anyone else felt this way about food throughout their illness?

Another weird Anorexic behaviour of mine that I am not sure if anyone else has experienced is to do with how I chew. I have always chewed the exact same amount of food on the left and right sides of my mouth. For example if I was eating cereal, I would get a cereal flake and chew it on the left side of my mouth before picking a flake the same shape and size and chewing it on the right side. Or while eating something like vegetables I would chew 1 piece of carrot on the left for every one piece of carrot the right. If I was left with only one piece of something, for example one grape, I would bite it in half so I can chew half of it on my left side and then half on my right.

I know it sounds crazy but I cant explain why I do his. It has gotten a lot worse since having anorexia but I even remember doing it before I had anorexia with specific foods like rice crackers as well as colorful foods like fruit loops. I think that it is possibely OCD? Has anyone else ever done anything like this?