A little motivation to start the weekend

Just do it

What everyone suffering from an eating disorder needs to realise is that you will never be completely ready to recover and if you wait around for that day to come, then sadly you will most likely never recover. Its awful, but very true. No matter when you choose to get better, its going to be just as painful so I believe you might as well try and recover sooner rather than later, so that you dont waste anymore of you life unwell then you need to.

You may waste 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades of your life in that awful 'existing but not living' anorexic state we all know far too well. Personally, I spent about 2 and a half years there, before I realised I was going to do what ever it would take to make myself well again, no matter how painful it would be. Now, I wish I had started my true recovery sooner so that I didnt waste those years of my life, miserable like I did. I told myself at the time that I was trying to get better but now I can see that I wasnt really. I did want to get better but I wasnt actively fighting for me recovery like I needed to do.

I promise, being recovered is so worth every bit of pain that you go through during recovery and if I had to do it all over again to ensure I would end up as happy as I currently am, then I would without a doubt! No matter how hard things get whilst you are fighting your eating disorder, just keep reminding yourself of what you are fighting for and remember that although it may not feel like it, fighting tour anorexia cant actually kill you, only listening to your anorexia can do that.

Recovery is uncomfortable....

Yes, Recovery is hard and uncomfortable.... But you should do it anyway, I promise its worth it!

Day 28: what do you feel is your greatest strength?

I think one of my greatest strengths is my determination and will power to do what I believe it right. This will power and determination has not always had a positive effect on my life however. In a way, my will power and determination was a part of the reason I was able to become anorexic and underweight in the first place.

As much as I hate comments like these, I do believe eating disorders require will power and determination

While I was developing my illness and starving myself, My anorexia started using my will power and determination for its own selfish use. My anorexia made me believe that I needed to lose weight and be thinner, so that is exactely what I did. No matter how hungry I felt or how loudly my parents screamed, I didnt give in and eat. I was determined to do what my anorexia told me was right.

Since deciding I needed to change my ways and that I wanted to recover, I have started to use my great will power and determination positively. While I have always been a very determined person, I believe that my will power and determination has only become as strong as it now is, since I have been sick.

Now I always use my will power and determination to fight my anorexia, instead of to do what it wants me to do. No matter how hard things get, I never give into my anorexia or give up. No matter how loudly my anorexia screams at me, I scream back louder. This is why I know I am going to recover, because of my determination and willingness too push myself through when things are hard.

Day 3: list 3 things you like about yourself

I have been sitting here for a long time thinking of what to write but am really struggling to think of anything. I havent always found it this hard to find things I like about myself but I have been like this for a very long time. When I was younger I remember looking in the mirror and actually liking how I looked but then feeling instantly guilty for thinking these things. This continued for a few years until I eventually stopped seeing any positives about myself at all and could only see my floors. I suppose this is what led to me having such bad self esteem and no self confidence, both of which contributed to the development of my eating disorder.

I think I started feeling guilty for thinking good things about myself after a incident that happened when I was only about 5 years old. I dont really remember a lot from this early on in my life but for some reason I have never forgotten this. I was about to go to a swimming lesson and had just put on a pair of new bathers. I remember looking at myself in my bathers and thinking I looked pretty and skinny so started walking very confidentely around the house. When my mum saw me she told me that it wasn't very nice for a little girl to be 'strutting' around like I was. I remember feeling confused as before then I didnt see anything wrong with acting confidentely. Ever since then I have associated thinking something good about myself or acting confidentely with being self absorbed or 'up myself'.

The 3 things I have finally thought of are my bubbly personality, my determination and my eyes.

1. My bubbly personality
Naturally, I have a very bubbly personality. At times throughout my illness I have been really down and my bubbly personality has failed to shine through but most of the time I am bright and cheerful unless I have a big reason not to be. I feel very sorry for the people who are naturally unhappy as I think it is so much better to be friendly and happy all the time. I notice that some of the pleople I work with are rude and abrupt to customers and have to try really hard, just to be pleasant. When I go to work, I dont even have to try to be lovely to the customers, it just happens. One customer at work even calls me 'smiley' as I am always so happy whilst I am at work.

For me, it would take a lot more energy to be angry and grumpy and by acting that way I would only make myself feel depressed so there would really be no point. I believe that having a bubbly personality helps me stay happy and positive throughout difficult times, like now while I am recovering. It feels really good when I make others around me, like customers, feel happy through simply being kind and polite to them. I find it strange when people thank me for being so nice and kind as I feel like everybody should treat others this way. I really dont think that it should stand out when someone acts the why I do towards other people.

2. My determination

I am a really determined person who never gives up. I have always worked really hard at anything I set my mind to and always try my absolute best. A few times throughout my past my determination and hard working nature have actually worked against me. Like when I decided I wanted to lose weight. Once I set this goal for myself there was no stopping me and I didnt give up until I achieved it. Another time that my determination has been a bad thing is when I became obsessed with my school work. I worked really hard as I wanted to succeed with my studies but like my weight loss I took it too far and ended up really miserable and unhappy. This eventually led to me having to stop studying all together.

It probably sounds weird that I chose my determination as something I like about myself as it has caused me problems at various times in my life. Whenever I am able to healthily use my hard working nature however, it helps me achieve wonderful things. Right throughout school I excelled academically and this was purely due to how determined I was and how hard I worked (I havent always taken my studying to the unhealthy extremes that I did in college and at university). At the moment I am using my determination to help me with my recovery and I hope to be able to use it positively in my future as well. My determination will help be succeed in my career as well as hopefully helping people suffering from eatting disorders in some way.


3. My eyes
when I was in hospital one of the nurses asked me what physical feature I liked about myself. I instantly told her I didnt like anything at all. She told me she would be back that night and that I would need to think of something before then. I had to think for hours and hours but couldnt think of a thing. I went through every part of my body and even made the following list of things I hated about myself in my diary;

Gross skin.... Pimples
-ugly
-frizzy hair
-hairy arms
-big knees
-fat feet
-boobs
-big crooked ears
-scarred and uneven lips
-scarred skin
-hairy tummy
-ligamentous laxity
-bloated stomach
-I hate the fact that I hate myself

Eventually I thought of something I didnt hate, my eyes. They are green and I have extra long eye lashes. My lashes are so long that sometimes people ask me if I am wearing fake eye lashes or think im wearing mascara when I am not. For some reason  I also didnt feel as guilty for accepting I liked my eyes as I would have if I had thought of any other body part I liked. So I told my nurse that my eyes were the part of my body I likes and she was quite satisfied. She told me she would ask me to think of something new each day but she never asked again. Luckily she didnt because to this day I still havent thought of anything else about else about myself (besides being skinny once I lost weight, but that was only my anorexia that liked it.)

Try to comment something that you like about yourself below. If you have trouble thinking of anything like I have, this probably means that you also need to work on loving yourself and increasing your self confidence. You have to know that liking things about yourself doesn't make you conceited, it will just allow you to be happier and healthier.