Good body image day

Ever since I was a little girl, I believed that it was wrong to like how you look. I believed that if someone said something they liked about themselves, they were arrogant. Therefore every time I ever thought aything nice about myself, I would get angry at myself and think I was doing the wrong thing. I suppose that this is why I eventually hated myself and how I looked so much.

I know that I often write on here about having bad body image days, but I never talk about feeling comfortable with my body even though that happenss sometimes. I guess the reson why I don't usualy talk about it is because a part of me still believes that it is wrong to like yourself or think something good about yourself. But I am now learning that this is not the case at all.

I woke up this morning feeling positive and confident and as I put on a short pair of black shorts, I wasn't really bothered at all. As I was walking through town,  I caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the shop windows but instead of feeling fat or unhappy with how I looked like I usually do, I felt fine about my reflection. Not overjoyed or excited, but still good.

Yes my legs looked much bigger then they once did but I din't instantly see this as a bad thing or feel self conscious as I usually would have. Instead I thought about how strong and toned they looked, which I think must be due to all the walking I have been doing. 

When I got back home, I tried on a new pair of work pants that I have recieved from the bendigo bank, not knowing if they would fit me or not and I was delighted when they fit me perfectly. I felt happy that I could order adults clothes (even if in the smallest size) and have them fit me perfectly!

I wanted to write this post today to show you all that there really isn't anything wrong with accepting yourself and thinking good things about the way you look. In fact, I encourage you to try and think good things about yourself more often nas accepting yourself really is an important part of the recovery process. 

Just because I didn't hate my reflection when I saw it this morning does not mean that I am self obsessed or egotistic as I once would have thought. It just means that I have been able to find peach with who I am and how I look, which is exactly what it should be like.

And finally, I wanted to write this post to let you all know that it is possible to accept the way you look after having an eating disorder. When I was underweight, I never thought for even a second that I would ever be able to accept my body at a normal weight, but now I do. In fact, I like my body more now then I did when I was underweight! :)

forgiving yourself

Although I have spent the last 24 hours really upset and frustrated with myself for something that happened at work yesterday, I have finally realised that beating myself up wont help matters at all. I have always been a perfectionist and have always been very hard on mysef whenever I made mistakes.

The thing that I need to keep reminding myself is that everybody makes mistakes and no one can be perfect all the time. I think that it is important that I can learn to accept this simple truth, that no one can be perfect all the time. Just as important is that I learn how to forgive ourselves, if ever things don't work out the way I would have liked them too or if I make a mistake.

Sometimes unfortunate things happen and sometimes we may be partly responsible for these things happening but there is no point in continuing to feel guilty and upset about these types of things forever. We need to be able to accept any mistakes that we may make in life, learn from them and move on.

So right now I am going to forgive myself for what has gone wrong, learn from my mistake and just do everything in my power to stop it from ever happening again. There is still a chance that the situation will be resolved but if not, it isnt the end of the world. I should just be grateful that I am healthy and I should not waste anymore time being unhappy, especially since being unhappy won't solve any problems.

Remember that no matter what mistakes you may make in life, all that matters is that you learn from them and do everything in your power to make things better. Nobody else is perfect in this world and you are no different. So forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made in the past and move forward. Making mistakes really is inevitable but letting them get you down isn't!  

Making mistakes on my blog

This is a really random post, but it is just something I have been thinking about a little lately so I thought I would write a post about it.

I know that some of my posts have typos in them and this may be due to me being in a hurry when I write/publish my posts and therefore may not have enough time to thouroughly proof read them. My keyboard is also quite dodgy so as I am typing, it does not always register when I push each letter, which is why lettters are sometimes missed out from the middles of some of my words. The other reason why I make typos is because... I am human.

I thought that this was a really important point to make as it leads to the simple truth that nobody is perfect and that everybody makes mistakes. It is hard for me when I notice typos in old posts and sometimes I fix them when I see them. Othertimes, if there are just one or two tiny mistakes, I just leave them.

This may seem strange but I actually do this for two reasons. The first reason is because I am working on my perfectionism and find that this really helps me to let go of that unrealistic expectation of myself to be perfect all of the time. While not every post I publish is perfect (far from it in fact) I am still proud of each post as they each depict something that is very important to me.

The other reason I do not always fix typos that I notice is because I want to remind you, as my readers that no one is perfect. The fact that you keep reading my blog, despite my typos ttells me that you are willing to accept me as a person whether I am perfect or not. So i you are willing to accept me even when I am not perfect, you should also be willing to accept yourself too.

I also know that my punctuation is not perfect and I may not be the best writer around but I think that what I write is real and I think that most people will be able to relate to me better if they just see me as a normal every day girl. I am not an author or a professional writer, I am just a girl with a blog! To me, my blog is like a journal or diary and if I changed the way that I write, I would no longer feel as though it was 'mine'.

I have noticed people correct other blog authors on their blogs when they make typos or spelling mistakes and can I just take the chance to thank all of my readers for never doing this to me. I know I make mistakes but really appreciate the fact that yor never point them out to me. I find that if other people expect me to be perfect, my perfectionism gets worse and that is obviouslly then somplete opposite of what I want  to achieve right now.

Please remember that nobody is perfect. You should not expect yourself to be perfect and nobody should expect you to be perfect either. We are all human and make mistakes sometimes. As long as we learn from the big mistakes we make, then it is ok to make them. And you will most likely find that little mistakes we make, dont really matter at all.

Realising what really matters

Growing up, I worried way too much about what other people thought of me and used the way I looked to determine my self worth. I felt so terrible about myself before I got anorexia and hated myself, only because I was not super skinny. I can now see that the way I felt was completely wrong as there are so many other things that are so much more important in determining your self worth.

I remember when I was about 10 years old, I actually asked my dad if he would still love me if I was fat. My dad of course told me that he would still love me and that it was silly of me to ask such a thing but I still didn't believe him. I honesty felt like I would be unlovable if I was not skinny. I think it is so sad that I had these beliefs and to this day I will never truly understand why I placed so much importance in the way that I looked.

I spent so many years of my life hating who I was a trying to change myself all because I wasn't as skinny as I would have liked. It did not matter that I was smart, kind, caring and understanding, I still hated myself as I wasn't skinny enough. Isuppose that this is because I was a perfectionist and felt as though I needed to be perfect. It is really strange that I felt this way and most of my childhood memories are actually about comments different people made about my weight.

I do not remember any of the nice things people ever said too me, I just remember when people commented on my appearance in ways that I didn't like. For example, I remember a boy telling me my bum was big in year 6 and I also remember my uncle telling me my legs were getting 'fatter'. I suppose that the reasons these types of comments stuck in my head more clearly than any others is because I did care way too much about how others saw me and my body.

Now I have learnt that the way I look or how much I weigh is not what should determine how I feel about myself, I am starting to accept myself for who I am and I no longer hate myself like I once did. I am also starting to realise that if people judge me on my appearance, then I dont really want to associate with them anyway. I know that the typesof people who I want to have in my life will not judgr me in this way and that I therefore should not care what others think.

I still get the same thoughts sometimes, however whenever I do I just quickly remind myself that the way I look is not what truly matters and neither is what others think. It is hard to tell myself this sometimes and I do find myself still worrying about what other people think of me but I will continue working on this so that I can accet myself for who I really am and so that I can stay happy and healthy.

Accepting yourself for who you are

I am forgetful.
I talk too much sometimes.
I am a perfectionist.
I find it hard to make friends.
I have an hour glass figure.
I am not naturally super skinny.
I get pimples sometimes.
I dont always like the way my hair looks.
I have bad body image days.
I make mistakes.
I need to learn to listen more.
I will always have a bigger bum then I would like.
I have ligamentous laxity.
I have scars all over my body.
I have anxiety.
I find it hard to trust people.

I am not perfect.
I know nobody is.
I don't need to be perfect.
I just need to be me.

Skin Picking

For as long as I can remember I have picked at any small imperfections on my skin which has caused terrible scarring all over my body. I have always squeezed and picked at pimples, blisters, burns, scabs, cuts, dry skin, the skin around my nails and my nails themselves. No matter how hard I try not to, I always end up picking at a scab or imperfection, without even realising it Because it is such a bad habit for me. Usually I dont even know I have been picking until it is too late and I am bleeding.

My picking is definetely emotion related as I am always a lot worse when I am anxious, nervous, worried or upset. I found the following information online here and found it extremely interesting.

Compulsive skin Picking (CSP)

Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP), also known as Dermatillomania, is an impulse control disorder and form of self-injury, characterised by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused and can be a compulsion of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

The disorder is characterised and defined by the habitual and excessive picking of skin lesions, or the excessive scratching, picking, gouging or squeezing of otherwise healthy skin, to the extent of causing bleeding, bruising, infection, and/or permanent disfigurement of the skin.  These behaviours are carried out solely to relieve the anxiety or urges being experienced by the sufferer.

Compulsive Skin Picking falls into the family of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders and is linked quite closely with OCD, BDD and the hair pulling disorder, Trichotillomania. It is not uncommon for a person to suffer with a combination of these disorders. Research has shown that around a quarter of those diagnosed with OCD or BDD also have CSP.
Compulsive Skin Picking, which is a response to specific situations and events, can occur at any time during the day but is often more severe during the evening. The individual with CSP is frequently unaware of these triggers.

Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking, although of course any part of the body can be the focus. People with CSP may pick at normal skin variations such as freckles, moles or acne, or at imagined skin defects that nobody else can observe. Individuals with CSP may use their fingernails, as well as their teeth, tweezers, pins or other instruments.

While this problem is the source of considerable anxiety and distress to those who pick, it is also distressing for family and friends when they see the results.
People with CSP often feel the need to try and hide or camouflage their blemishes with make-up or clothing. As with other disorders within the OCD spectrum, CSP can be a socially lonely disorder.  Social embarrassment can lead the sufferer to stay indoors and avoid friends. It can also cause problems at work: lateness, owing to time taken by picking and make-up routines, and absence, when the poor state of the skin makes the sufferer reluctant to be seen in public.

The characteristics of skin picking include:

• Recurrent skin picking - face, lips, scalp, hands or arms.
• Immediately before picking there is a high level of tension and an ‘itch’ or ‘urge’.

As with all disorders in the OCD spectrum, most people develop CSP in their teens or early 20's. It may start as a frequently carried out and unconscious habit which develops into uncontrollable picking.

What treatments are available? Initially, see your GP. Many are still less informed about CSP than they are OCD, but you should receive a referral to psychologist or psychiatrist.
Very often patients are referred, first of all, to a dermatologist, which may be appropriate if there is a skin disorder that needs treating, but ultimately you will also need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for CBT.

A regular form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be used, although nowadays Habit Reversal Training (HRT) is the preferred method of treatment for CSP.

Habit Reversal Training challenges CSP in two ways. Firstly, the individual learns how to become more consciously aware of situations and events that trigger skin-picking episodes. Secondly, the individual learns to utilise alternative behaviours in response to these situations and events.

Habit Reversal was developed in the 1970s by psychologists Nathan Azrin and Gregory Nunn for treating nervous habits which are done automatically, such as tics, stammering and skin-picking. Therapy should focus initially on developing Habit Awareness and patients may be asked to keep records of when, where and under what circumstances they normally pick.

Many people believe that if they stop one bad habit it will be replaced with another bad habit. However, one of the key ideas of habit reversal is to replace the harmful habit with another harmless habit that makes the bad habit impossible. This new behaviour is known as a competing response.

Tips for quitting

• If you get the urge to pick, try doing something that ties up your hands for a period of time until the urge passes, or even put oven mitts on your hands until the urge decreases. Even if you hold the urge off for 15 minutes you can work with it, next time try holding it off for 20 minutes and so on.
• Keep your skin as clean as possible. Use anti-bacterial soap or an oil-free cleanser. Try to see a dermatologist. The more clear your skin is, the less of an urge you’ll have to pick at it.
• Cover your mirror with paper if your face is the usual area that your picking focuses on.
• If you bite the inside of your cheeks try eating crunchy snacks when you feel the urge to bite.
• Use long or false nails! The thick tips help reduce picking.
• As with all disorders in the OCD spectrum, stay busy.  The busier you are the less time your mind has to play with the urges to pick.
• When tempted to pick, care for your skin by applying a moisturising lotion instead.
• Get rid of all implements such as tweezers and pins used for picking.
• Try replacing some of the sensory aspects of skin-picking with a more desirable alternative. For example, keep an object by you that you can manipulate (squeeze or pull) such as a soft rubber ball or some Blu Tak.

The only things that help me to stop picking is to be really busy (so that I dont have time to pick), to wear breathable bandaids over scabs on my arms, hans or lega, so that i simply cant pick them and also to out blobs of cream over the sores on my face, so that every time I go to pick the sorea on my face I feel the cream and realize what I am doing So I can stop myself. I also find keeping my hands busy by playing with a stress ball really helps.

I have been incredibely self conscious of the skin on my face lately as I had an acne break out and then picked at the spots until they turned into sores. I have had to try incredibely hard to get them too heal and they finally seem to be getting better, thank goodness! As you can see from the photos I took this morning while walking Tess, my skin still isnt perfect, but thats ok because it doesn't need to be :)

Perfectly Imperfect

I hate it how society makes us think that we need to be different to who we really are, especially in regards to how we look. Every second add on television or in magazines tells us that we need to be thinner, prettier, more toned, fitter etc. We feel as though we need to try and look perfect, even though there really is no such thing as being perfect. 

Society starts to make us feel this way from an extremely young age. I remember playing with barbie dolls and thinking how beautiful they were. Now I can see a barbie doll figure for what it truly is, impossible and completely unrealistic. But at the time, it was painting a picture in my mind of what you had to look like so that you can be beautiful. 

I honestly think they should change barbie dolls so they look real

Thinking back to any movies or tv programs I watched growing up, all of the girls seemed so thin and perfect. They always had perfect skin, perfect hair and perfect figures but now I know that they are no more perfect then anyone else in this world. Everyone in this world is beautiful no matter what they look like. Those stars would have had pimples and bad hair days too, the only difference is that the stars have stylists there to make them look perfect even when they weren't. 

I think it is so sad that we feel as though we need to cover every blemish with makeup before we go out in public. So what if someone can see that we have a pimple or two. This does not mean anything other than that we aren't perfect which is exactly how we are supposed to be, we are all only human afterall. In modern day society everone is so quick to judge others on how they look but this is so wrong. How we look does not say anything about who we are inside, which is what is the most importartant thing anyway.

The following photos I took of myself this morning on the beach. I have no makeup on and my hair is completely natural. I may not look 'perfect' but I am perfectly imperfect. This is me, the real me and the me I like the most :)