Pain is real, but so is hope

For years, I lived completely consumed by my illness and unable to make any recovery progress. If anyone had of asked me during this time if I wanted to recover I would have said a huge YES, however I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to do what I needed to do in order to recover so I didn't really try. At the time, I told people around me and even myself that I was trying to recover but looking back, I know I wasn't trying, not really. I was eating enough to keep myself out of hospital and alive however I was severely underweight and my starved mind was incapable of thinking rationally, which made trying to recover seem even more impossible. The thought of doing the things I knew I needed to do in order to get better was so terrifying that I didn't think it was possible that I would ever get better. I had accepted that I was going to live the rest of my life consumed by my eating disorder.

Anyone whose been where I have been knows just how impossible and difficult it feels and anyone who hasn't been there wont be able to even begin to understand. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is if someone told you that you had to become the richest person in the world or the fastest runner in the world, you would probably think that it seemed impossible and that there would be no point in even trying as it couldn't happen. Well that's how impossible the prospect of recovery seems to someone who is fully consumed by anorexia. Also, the fear associated with doing the things you need to do in order to recover is so severe that you would honestly rather just die. That's how I felt anyway. My thought processes were so irrational that just eating a meal prepared by my family or someone else honestly would have terrified me more than sculling a bottle of poison or jumping off a bridge.

So how did I manage to recover when it seemed so impossible and scary? I found hope. That is honestly the only difference between the years I spent totally consumed by my eating disorder and unable to change and the time when I was actually able to start making some recovery progress and turn my life around. I read anorexia recovery blogs of other girls who managed to beat their illnesses and this gave me hope that I too could get better. I was miserable living with my illness. I had become a social recluse with no friends and I was incapable of even having relationships with family members. I was 20 years old and had never had a romantic relationship, didn't go out, play sport or have any hobbies. I had dropped out of university and did nothing but stay home and be consumed by anorexia all day every day, month in month out. I wanted so much to live a normal life and through seeing other girls get better who had been where I was, gave me hope that I could do it too.

So I started my recovery journey and started my own blog to document my progress, with the intentions of inspiring other sufferers and giving them the hope they required to fight their illnesses. My recovery then became about not only fighting for the life I wanted for myself but also about recovering so that I could give hope to others, as had happened to me. Everyday was painful and scary but I never gave up hope and I never gave in to my eating disorder. I continued to follow my plan and as I did I began to recover, both physically and mentally. My thoughts slowly became more rational, meaning things that initially terrified me didn't seem so scary anymore. My eating behaviours got more and more normal and I started to get out of the house more and started to actually live my life for the first time in many years.

Everyday I received emails from readers all over the world, saying that my recovery journey was giving them hope, which in turn made me all the more adamant to keep going until I made a full recovery. I didn't want to be the reason that my readers lost hope, I wanted to continue to inspire them and that's exactly what I did. I kept going until I was living a relatively normal life with lots of friends and family, a partner, holidays, university, work, sports, hobbies and all the things that I ever wanted in life. Even though I don't blog often anymore, I still like to check in occasionally and let everyone know that I am still ok. I may have a few ups and downs every now and then but nothing that prevents me from living a happy and normal life. I suppose I just want to help as many people find hope as possible as I believe it really is the difference between being able to recover or not.

So please, if you are struggling and feel like recovery is impossible for you, I promise its not. You can recover just like I did. You just need to have hope, believe in yourself and fight with everything you have for the life you deserve to live. Karly xxx

FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR GROWING BODY? TRY THESE 4 MINDSET SHIFTS

I found this article and wanted to share it with you all. I think it has some wonderful advice for anyone in recovery... xox


BY STEPHANIE KIRSCHNER BODY

JANUARY 18, 2017l
I feel it when I wake up in the morning and try on every single pair of my jeans and everything looks bad and I just want to go back to sleep. But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don’t wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for way more important things. –Mindy Kaling
Though my road to recovery has been marked by various victories, I still have days when my growing body upsets me. This usually happens when I can’t pull an old dress down past my waist, or when a pair of my jeans fits so tightly that I experience intense anger any time I wear them.






Sometimes after these wardrobe failures, I start genuinely buying into the idea that I must begin exercising constantly and sticking to a strict diet of baby carrots and salsa if I expect to have a hope in this world. I begin my frenzied Google tirade, searching such intellectual topics as “how to lose weight in your hips but keep it in your chest”, “why are my hips still growing even though I’m an adult woman?”, and “why are my jeggings so ridiculously tight today?”




But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise


Of course, I feel like a fool after these escapades, mostly because I know I should be Googling “volunteer opportunities near me”, “how to save the world”, and “Mother’s Day gift ideas” instead. But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise.


How can you be getting healthier when you’re getting heavier? Why are you trying to convince yourself that buying bigger clothes is a positive thing? Doesn’t that just mean that you lack discipline and self-control?


Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful. For many of us, embracing the journey requires a complete shift in mindset. It requires moment-by-moment choices to surrender to the process and to continually extend grace to yourself.




Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful


It requires that you relinquish shame and comparison and self-loathing. It requires daily self-acceptance and self-love. Embracing the journey, in short, likely requires of you that which, for however long, you have attempted to stifle and suppress.
And a journey like that is bound to have its ups and downs.


Some days I love my new curves, and some days I miss my protruding hipbones. Some days I can’t wait to eat, and some days I miss the time when I didn’t. Some days I feel confident in my recovering body, and some days I miss the security of my sick one.


As twisted as it may sound, I can tend to idealize and romanticize the era of my eating disorder. That place of frailty and starvation had become so seemingly safe and comfortable. But when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for.




…when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for


And that is what embracing recovery is all about—


realizing that your growing body is not a sign of failure, but rather a testament of victory in the courageous fight for your life. How exciting is that?


Here are four simple reminders to aid in learning to embrace your journey and all that comes along with it:
One:


You do not need to explain or justify the way your body changes, the weight you gain, or your personal choices regarding recovery to anyone else, especially to those sneaky lying voices.
Two:


Gaining weight ≠ losing value as a human being, despite what the magazines declare, despite what certain men allegedly prefer, and despite what we may sometimes resort to believing. Remember: growth = good.
Three:


Surrounding yourself with kind and hopeful people who support your recovery journey and promote your recovering body is key to success.
Four:


Some days are bound to be more difficult than other days, but this does not negate that which you know to be true. You will fall down once in a while, and that is okay. The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.




The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.

To The Person With An Eating Disorder Who Feels Like Giving Up On Recovery

I thought this article was great as it spoke of all the reasons why you should not give up on making a full recovery from your eating disorder. I hope you find it just as motivating as I did, and that like me it inspres you to continue fighting for full recovery. 

You deserve a full life

Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW 

Psychotherapist, Self-Compassion Enthusiast, Body-Image Activist

Maybe you just relapsed and the thought of starting over in the recovery process feels painful. Or perhaps you had changes in your weight, which is causing you to want to “throw in the towel.” 

It is so normal to be in a place where you feel caught between wanting to maintain your eating disorder and a desire to continue to seek recovery. Ambivalence and denial of the severity of the illness are common aspects of having an eating disorder. 

You likely have used eating disorder behaviors in an attempt to “feel better.” Behaviors like binging, purging, and/or restricting, may temporarily cause you to “feel better” and calmer. However, in the long run they only bury your underlying issues and cause you to feel even worse.

Your eating disorder may help you to feel “in control,” or “special,” however these are false illusions. The reality is, the deeper that you are into your eating disorder, the less “in control” you actually are. Rather, the eating disorder begins to completely consume your life and often becomes your primary relationship.

An eating disorder hijacks your true sense of self and identity and replaces it with an illness.

Some may argue that their eating disorder is the only thing that makes them “special” and are afraid to give up that identity. The truth is that the deeper one is in their eating disorder, the more one becomes a carbon copy of everyone else who is struggling with an eating disorder. An eating disorder hijacks your true sense of self and identity and replaces it with an illness. I guarantee that there are other traits or qualities about yourself that make you special and unique, which the eating disorder is currently masking.

If you are struggling with wanting to give up on recovery, I would urge you to recall what caused you to seek recovery in the first place. Living with an eating disorder is like having an abusive partner. Often your life becomes completely taken over by 24/7 thoughts about food, your body, and exercise. Many will find that they become increasingly isolated, depressed, and that their relationships suffer.

When you look back on your life at age 80, do you think that you will be fondly reminiscing about the amount of time you spent counting calories, avoiding social events, running obsessively on the treadmill, or hiding empty cartons of food in shame? Living trapped in an eating disorder is ultimately not a fulfilling life.

So what does recovery feel like? Just as no two people’s experiences of an eating disorder are the same, recovery may look different for everyone. However, ultimately recovery is when food and your body take a more normal place in your life. Recovery is when you can explore new passions (outside of food/exercise/your body) and build strong relationships with people who matter. Recovery is being able to explore the world and travel, savoring the food and taking in the culture of a new place.

Recovery is truly living again. You deserve a full life, one that you cannot have if you are still trapped in your eating disorder.

Recovery is laughing and losing track of time with friends and family because you are having such a great time. Recovery is also feeling sad or angry sometimes and dealing with disappointment and heartbreak. Recovery is feeling all of your feelings both pleasant and unpleasant. Recovery is truly living again. You deserve a full life, one that you cannot have if you are still trapped in your eating disorder.

It’s important to note that recovery is not a linear process. No matter where you are in your journey, it’s important to practice being kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can given the coping skills that you have, and you can also work to change and improve. It’s normal to have setbacks and to make mistakes, but what matters is that you learn from them and continue to work towards recovery.

I’d also recommend making a list of what your life could look like five years from now if you choose recovery and five years from now if you are still trapped in your eating disorder. If you are not working with a treatment team, it is also important that you identify specialists in your area that can help you. No one should go through the recovery process alone.

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder, but you can make the choice to continue on the path towards recovery. No matter what lies your eating disorder may be telling you, your life is worth so much more than obsessing about food and your body. Imagine all of the amazing things you could accomplish if you devoted this time and energy to something positive. It may take some time, but I believe you will find a fulfilling and passion-driven life, one where you can finally say, “I am recovered.”

Marya Hornbacher, an author who recovered from an eating disorder, says,

I don’t remember when I stopped counting, or when I stopped caring what size my pants were, or when I started ordering what I wanted to eat and not what seemed ‘safe,’ or when I started just eating when I got hungry, instead of questioning it, obsessing about it, dithering and freaking out, as I’d done for nearly my whole life. I don’t remember exactly when recovery took hold, and went from being something I both fought and wanted, to being simply a way of life. A way of life that is, let me tell you, infinitely more peaceful, infinitely happier, and infinitely more free than life with an eating disorder. And I wouldn’t give up this life of freedom for the world.

Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW is a mental health therapist, intuitive eating counselor, and blogger on The Huffington Post and Psychology Today. She is a junior board member for The National Eating Disorder Association. She specializes in treating adolescents, survivors of trauma, and individuals with eating disorders and mood disorders. “Like” Jennifer on Facebook at Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW. Or check out her website atwww.jenniferrollin.com

______________

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorders Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

Living without regrets

Sometimes I find myself thinking about what my life would have been like if I had never developed my eating disorder or if I was never sick. To say my eating disorder has taken a lot away from me would be an understatement. Not only did it steal so much away from me as soon as I got sick, it literally took years away from my life. 

Even though I often think of all the things I missed out on because of my illness, I know that I wouldn't change a single part of my journey so far, even if I could. Because if everything that has happened in my life so far hadn't happened, then I know I would not be where I am today.

 Of course it would have been great to never have gone through the torture and pain of having an eating dosorder and also recovery. But then I know I wouldn't be as brave and strong as I am today and I would never have learnt to believe in myself and accept myself as I now do. I also wouldn't be able to use my own experiences to help others who are going through similar things to what I have been through.

The main reason I wouldn't change a single thing from my past is because I know I probably would never have met my boyfriend. Nathan is, without a doubt, the love of my life and I know that if anything in my past had been different, then chances are we would never have met and ended up together. So although my journey has been painful, lonely and plain terrible at times, for me being with Nathan now is worth every bit of that. 

Eating more regularly again

After deciding that I simply wasnt ready to try and eat intuitively again yet (due to accidentely losing a bit of weight) I have started eating 6 meals each day again. I have also staryed roughly counting my calories for each meal again, to make sure I am eating enough too.

The truth is, when I was eating less,  I didn't really miss the extra food at all and didnt feel very hungary at all which made ne falsely believe I was eating enough. I have found that my appetite has returned now that I am eating more again which is great! I suppose I have just started making food and eating one of my main priorities again, instead of just eating when I have time or am hungary.

For example, I have started getting up at 6 in the morning and having a supplement drink and piece of fruit, before having breakfast at 9 and then lunch at midday. Where as before I wasnt eating breakfast until 9 (which was my first meal of the day) and then only having lunch.

I dont know if I am eating enough yet to gain weight but I atleast know that I will not lose anymore weight. If I still haven't gained any weight after a week or so of eating what I am, I will have to increase my intake again so that I can get back to the weight I was a month or so ago.

The extra food is giving me more energy and I already feel as though I can think more rationally and clearly. I guess this just demonstrates the importance of eating to keep us happy and healthy. We should always keep in mind the fact that food really is medicine for us!

RAVES

Some dieticians or eating disorder specialists like to use the acronym 'RAVES' when referring to the aspects of recovery and normalizing eating routines. I am proud to say that I have slowly incorporated all aspects of RAVES into my life and I highly reccommend that you work towards doing this too. I assure you that if you manage to develop a fully healthy relationship with food, you will be happier and your life will be better! 

I found the following information that I thought you may find interesting at this website.

It must be remembered that these five aspects of RAVES can’t be put in place all at once, and that the process of developing your eating pattern will take time, courage, trust and lots of ups and downs. However, by gradually developing your eating pattern using the principles of RAVES, you are laying the foundation for developing a more positive relationship with food. Remember, you can definitely take steps towards establishing a quality of life consistent with your individual values and a greater level of independence through improved nutrition.

Regularity is the foundation of a structured eating pattern as it lays the base upon which the other aspects of having a positive relationship with food are built. A regular eating pattern will consist of eating every three hours or so, and includes three main meals and two to three snacks (Breakfast, Morning Tea, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Dinner and Supper). Adopting and maintaining a regular eating pattern will assist in: providing structure to your daily routine; minimising grazing and preventing binging; improving your metabolism and your body’s ability to ‘burn’ food; strengthening your digestive muscles and improving bowel regularity; maintaining stable blood sugar levels throughout the day and evening; developing regular hunger and satiety signals that coincide with meal/snack times; and providing an opportunity to spread your nutrition through the day so that you are able to eat the amount of food necessary to meet your nutritional requirements. Once regularity has been established, the next nutritional goal is adequacy.

Adequacy means getting enough food and nutrition to meet your nutritional requirements and achieve medical stabilisation, nutritional rehabilitation, and an appropriate goal weight range. Achieving nutritional adequacy consists of including all food groups in your eating pattern in a way that provides adequate protein, carbohydrate and fat to support nutritional balance and ongoing good nutrition. This will usually mean increasing the amount of food eaten across the three main meals and snacks, and will form the basis for long term weight maintenance and health in recovery.

Variety is important because it plays an essential role in the development of a positive relationship with food and lays the foundation for more social eating. It is possible to reach your goal weight by eating the same foods each day, or by using nutritional supplements or nasogastric feeding, but the key to sustainability is in having a variety of food that you feel safe with. Having variety in the foods you eat makes food interesting, stimulates the taste buds, allows for eating opportunities with family and friends, and so really helps in the development of a positive relationship with food. Variety also helps challenge the notion of good and bad foods as it provides an opportunity for you to trust many different foods and is the stepping stone to further social eating opportunities with family and friends.

Eating Socially and the ability to eat with others is an important part of working towards, and maintaining recovery. As the ability to eat in social situations develops further, opportunities exist to develop social networks that help distract from the eating disorder thoughts. This is because your mind is often more engaged in conversations with those around you rather than the eating disorder thoughts. Social eating is also an important part of recovery as it supports eating with family members, eating in the workplace or school, and eating with friends.

Spontaneity is important in nutritional recovery because it allows your relationship with food to be more natural. Spontaneity means eating foods that you have not planned for or doing things unexpectedly. For example, if you plan to have a specific meal and you get invited out for dinner, you can make the decision to go out for dinner even though that is not what was planned. What spontaneity brings to the eating pattern is a greater ability to be socially integrated from a food perspective and a greater ability to respond to unforeseen situations, which help in sustaining recovery for the long term.

I think it is really important to remember that relapsing is a part of recovery that many people experince. I just wanted to remind everyone that if you do start to relapse, this does not mean you have to give into your anorexia. As long as you start fighting again, as soon as you realise things are getting bad, all of your hard work will not be wasted. Just because your anorexia starts to take back control does not mean you should let it. 

Think of it like this. If you looked in your wallet and saw that one of your $50 notes was missing, would you throw all of your remaining notes away? Or would you do everything you could to make sure you didn't lose your remaining notes? Of course you would not throw your remaining money away and recovery is exactly the same. 

Just because something goes wrong in your recovery does not mean you should give up on it all together. It just means that you need to pick yourself up again and continue moving forward in your recovery. Even though you may have taken a few steps back, this does not mean that you will have to go right back to the very start of your recovery. I thought that the following article described relapse and how to deal with it fairly well; 

Eating Disorder Relapse

Article Contributed by Debra Cooper, BS, Staff of Timberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center

In our society, we rely on expressions such as “Rome wasn’t build in a day,” to serve as reminders of the truth. Obviously this city wasn’t built in a day or even a year- it took a significant amount of time. The truth is…most things of great value or import do take time and effort. Building tools and maintaining recovery from an eating disorder is no different. An occasional slip back into the behavior or total relapsecan occur.

But here’s another handy phrase: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In eating disorder recovery, relapse prevention is critical. This comes in many forms, such as identifying triggers. A trigger is something in the environment, an individual, a thought, or a situation that prompts a person to return to an eating disorder behavior. By preparing a response in advance, the recovering person will know what to do when faced with a dangerous trigger.

Always keep in mind that recovery from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating is extremely difficult. Even the most committed person can experience periods of relapse. Don’t panic, and especially, don’t give up. There is no shame in simply being human.

Remember… Recovery does not happen overnight. If relapse occurs, take a moment to regroup, then return to your recovery plan. Never lose sight of how very far you have come.

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/relapse

The only time you should look back is to see how far you have come

An amazing girl remided me of something incredibely important recently, which was that the only time you should look back on your past, is to see how far you have come. I think that this is the most wonderful saying and believe that it is so true.

Firstly, it is true that there is no point in looking back on the past and dwelling on things that may have gone wrong. For a long time I had a hard time getting past all of the things I had lost because of my anorexia and I also spent too much time worrying about why my anorexia started in the first place.

What I eventually realised however was that what happened in the past could not be changed, no matter how much I worried or thought about it. I also realised that thinking about the tough times I have been through was only making me feel bad and stopping me from enjoying my life now.

So I know that I should not spend time worrying about the past and that I just need to accept everything that has happened in the past. Afterall, everything that has happened in the past (the good and bad) has shaped me to become the person I am today and I wouldn't want to change the person that I am, even if I could.

My friend was so right when she said that you should only look back to see how far you have come, so that is exactly what I am going to do in this post. I am going to take a moment to look at all the progress I have made in my recovery so far and concentrate on that, rather than spending time getting frustrated about how long recovery is taking.

The timeline of me at my most anorexic point, to where I am today.

DEADLY SICK (July 2013)

-Started to increase my intake very gradually

-Started to eat foods other then vegeatbles, non fat yoghurt, salad and oats

-my resting heart rate began to increase above 30bmp

-Started eating 6 meals per day

- Started eating pasta/rice/potato

- gained a couple of kilograms despite the fact that I was still undereating

HALF RECOVERED (July 2014)

-Could eat anything as long as I can count its calories and it fit into my daily intake

-Could eat things like chocolate, cake, icecream, custard etc in small amounts

-Able to eat a 'normal' amount of food, but not eough to gain weight

-Became a little less obsessed with food (I no longer tried to make my meal times last ages or spent my days waiting for my next meal)

  

GETTING CLOSER TO MAKING A FULL RECOVERY (July 2015)

-can eat full fat products

-Managed to eat large recovery amounts

-Reached a healthy bmi

-Exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me

-No longer weigh everything I eat

-No longer care about 'exact' numbers of calories

-Can easily eat things like chocolate bars

-Able to enjoy a meal out with family that is prepared by somebody else

-No longer feel the cold

-No longer care about my exact weight

-Able to accept myself for who I am supposed to be

-Able to fight my anorexic thoughts, whenever they arise

-Can go days without exercising

-No longer compensating for eating more or for exercising less by restricting

-no longer count macro nutrients

-full of energy and life

-actually want to socialising again

And the list seriously keeps going on... this list only touches on the progress I have made and these are just the things that sprung to mind right now.

Looking at this list, it really does go to show that I have come an incredibely long way and that I should be proud of myself for everything I have achieved. In fact I am proud of myself for everything I have achieved. If you look at the timeline above, you will probably notice that most of my pogress has been made over the past year, in particularly since I started my blog.

I know that a huge part of this is because of all of my wonderful readers believeing in me and motivaing me to keep fighting every single day. So thank you so much. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you all and I really cant thank you all enough.

Because of all of you, I do not only want to recover so that I can be happy. I also want to recover so that I can show each and everyone of you that recovery IS POSSIBLE! Once I felt as though recovery was too hard and that I would be sick forever too but look at me now. You all need to realise that if I can do it, so can you.

So remember, only look back at your life so that you can see how far you have come. Hopefully, like me you will realise that you have come way to far to give up now and that everyday you fight you are getting one day closer to being fully recovered. No matter how sick of recovery you get, never give up and you will make it eventually.

Getting restless in recovery

An unfortunate truth is that recovery from anorexia, or perhaps any eating disorder is a very long process. On average I read somewhere that it takes 7 years for a person to recover from anorexia from the time they were first diagnosed. Of course this may be shorter or longer, depending on the individual but 7 years really is a long time. I wish it didn't take years to recover from anorexia, but unfortunately this is just the way it is.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I feel completely fed up with recovery. Fighting day after day is so tiring and montonous and I so wish it could just all be over. Sometimes, when I can feel and see myself making progress, all of my hard work seems worth it but othertimes, I can go months at a time without seeing any progress at all. When this happens I start to feel as though all my hard work is for nothing and I start to wonder whether I am ever going to make a full recovery.

I know that I really shouldn't complain, as it has only been 3 years since I was diagnosed with anorexia and so many other people struggle for so much longer. When I think about the torture I have been through over the last 3 years, it really makes me think about how strong all of the people are who have been battling for so much longer. I suppose it just goes to show that you really do need to keep choosing recovery, over and over again and not just once.

I guess it makes sense really, that recovery takes so long. After all you neeed to try and change your thought processes and beliefs which is not an easy thing to do. Imagine telling a person who whole heartedly believes in god and has done for some time that they should not believe in god anymore. That person could not just suddenly stop believing in god, their belief in god is a part of them. Even if the person tried to stop believing, deep down they would still think about god and believe. You cant just turn thoughts like these off and anorexic thoughts are exactly the same.

Or if someone told me tomorrow that I wasn't allowed to love my dad anymore, I couldn't just stop loving him. I think that changing your thought processes in regards to food exercise and weight is so much like this. When I first went to hospital after being diagnosed with anorexia, it was already too late. It only took 12 months or so for me to develop these dangerous and anorexic beliefs and thought processes but they really were a part of me. Just because the doctors told me that my anorexia was wrong and a liar did not mean I could instantly stop those thoughts from happening.

I also couldn't change what I honestly believed was true, that I was fat, ugly, unlovable and worthless. It is only now, three years later that I have truly started to believe that these things are not true. I still have a hard time thinking good things about myself but now I truly believe that being me is the most important thing and that there is nothing wrong with just being myself.

Something I do know for sure is that in order to make a full recovery, I need to keep fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter what. The thing that you need to realise is that through giving into your anorexia, whether it be through cheating your meal plan, walking an extra kilometre or not putting butter on your bread, you are reinforcing your anorexic thoughts and unhealtthy thought processes. The only way you can recover is if you replace your unhealthy thought processes witth healthier ones and this will not happen if you are still reinforcing your old unhealthy ones.

Sometimes, the fact that recovery is taking so long really does get me down. Like today, I really just want to stop thinking about eating enough, maintaining my weight or finding my natural set point and not over exercising but the fact is, I cant. I dont want to hear my anorexic voice anymore. That voice has haunted me for three years, making me feel fat and worthless and I really just want it to go away but the frustrating thing is, I cant. As much as I would like to, I cant make that happpen instantaneously, but I can make it happen eventually by continuing to push forward and fight.

Yes I am tired and frustrated but I have come way to far to quit now. If I quit now I will be stuck thinking about those things and hearing that spiteful voice for the rest of my life and I honestly can not even bare the thoughht of that. We always need to remember that while recovery may seem hard at times, even impossible, not recovering is even harder. Atleast through recovery we are eventually rewarded with hapiness and a wonderful life, two thing we can never have whilst we remain sick.

So no matter how fed up you are feeling right now, with your illness or your recovery, remember you have to keep fighting. You really have no choice but to fight as if you do not win this battle, your anorexia will and eventually that can only mean one thing. No one deserves to live a life with anorexia or even worse, die from this illness. Dont let your aorexia win. Who knows how long it will take but you just need to remeber that you can do it. Have faith, keep believing and keep fighting and you WILL get there.

Train yourself to be more positive

After writing my earlier post today, I decided to find some tips online, that can help you to become more positive. The site I found this tps at was; http://tinybuddha.com/blog/train-yourself-to-be-more-positive-in-5-steps/ 

Step One: Believe a Positive Attitude is a Choice

This step was hard to take at first. I thought that people were either positive or negative (and I was in the latter category). I used to blame my negativity on all kinds of outside forces—fate, experiences, parents, relationships—but never really stopped to think that I could choose to be positive.

Teaching myself that positivity is a choice has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself.

Now when I find myself in a bad situation, I know that it’s up to me to find the good, to be positive regardless of what’s happening around me. I no longer point fingers and place blame. I realize that everything happens how it happens, and it’s up to me to choose how I want to feel about it. I am in control of my attitude, and no one can take that away from me.

Step Two: Rid Your Life of Negativity

If you want to live a positive, joyful life, you cannot be surrounded by negative people who don’t encourage your happiness.

As a negative person, I attracted negative people. When I decided to make the change to live a more positive life, I had to rid my life of the most negative influences in it. No one is perfect—and perfection isn’t the goal when it comes to positivity—but there were people in my life who were consistently negative, who constantly brought me down, and I had to stop spending so much time with them.

This, as you can imagine, wasn’t easy. It can hurt to distance yourself from people—even when you know they aren’t good for you or your current lifestyle.

In addition to removing negative influences from my, I also had to get rid of some of my own negative behaviors, such as drug and alcohol abuse. I had to take a step back and examine which behaviors were good for me and which were not.

I learned to focus on the positive things I was doing—such as working on my blog and cultivating new, positive relationships—and let go of the negative ones. This process was not easy and, to be honest, is still ongoing, but I know this: It’s hard to live a positive life when negative people and behaviors continually pull you down.

Step Three: Look For the Positive in Life

In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time it’s not obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard.

The old me was content to sit back and just glance around. If I saw negative, I went with that feeling. I didn’t want to look harder or think too much about the good. I found it much, much easier to sit back and just accept what I saw (which was usually the bad).

Now, when I’m faced with a difficult or challenging situation, I think to myself, “What is good about this?” No matter how terrible the situation might seem, I always can find something good if I take the time to think about it.

Everything—good and bad—is a learning experience so, at the very least, you can learn from bad experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something genuinely positive, about every person or situation.

Step Four: Reinforce Positivity in Yourself

Once I started thinking more positively, I realized I had to reinforce these thoughts and behaviors in myself so they would stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.

The best and easiest way to do this is to be positive when it comes to who you are. Tell yourself you’re awesome. Tell yourself you look good. Tell yourself you did a great job at work or raising your kids or whatever it is you do.

Be honest with yourself, but do your best to look for the good. And, whatever you do, don’t focus on the negative. It’s okay to not like everything about yourself, but don’t focus on what you don’t like. We all have positive attributes, and it’s up to you to remind yourself of them every day.

Step Five: Share Positivity with Others

Not only do you need to be positive with yourself for this training to really take effect, but you need to be positive with others. You have to share your wealth of positivity with the world.

The best way I’ve found to do this is quite simple and basic: Be nice to other people, no matter what. Tell someone s/he looks nice today. Tell someone s/he did a great job on that presentation.

Tell your parents or children (or both!) how much you love them and how great they are. When someone is feeling down, do what you can to cheer him or her up. Send flowers. Write notes. Don’t gossip. Be kind to all living things.

All of these things sound basic enough, but for someone like me, they didn’t come easily.

I never wanted to see the good in myself and, therefore, didn’t want to see it in others either. I used to be critical and condescending. Now I strive to be encouraging and supportive.

I try not only to treat others as I would like to be treated, but I also try to consider how they would like to be treated. People appreciate positivity, and the more you share it with others, the more you are practicing it your own life.

When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.

Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.

Compensating in recovery

In recovery it is so important that you do not compensate by restricting or eating less because your anorexia tells you that you need to. If you compensate you are giving into your anorexia, which will make it stronger and the real you weaker. Instead you need to fight your anorexic thoughts and stop yourself from compensating, as doing this will get you closer to becoming fully recovered.

As long as I am tempted to compensate, I will not consider myself to be recovered. I believe that in order to be fully recovered you need to have a completely normal relationship with food and these types of thoughts really are not healthy. It is completely normal to have a bigger meal then you usually do sometimes or eat a little extra and you should not intentially compensate because of it or even be tempted to do so.

Tonight I am going out for tea with my mum, dad, sister as well as my dads boss and his childen. I know that my tea will contain more calories then it usually does and also that I wont know how many calories I am eating but I also know that I should not compensate in anyway because of this. I have been tempted by my anorexia to exercise extra as well as eat less throughout the day today but I know that I cant do either of these things.

If I do these things I will be listening to my anorexia and I will therefore be giving it strength, which is completely opposite to what I need to be doing at this stage in my recovery. So even though I feel like going out and going for an extremely long walk. I am not going to do this. Instead I am going to limit my walks to the distance I went yesterday, when I was not tempted to compensate.

No matter how anxious it will make me feel I know that I still need to eat my full afternoon tea and dessert. Not so that I know I am getting enough calories as I know that I would be eating enough without doing this. Instead I know that I need to do this in order to fight my anorexia and so that I am not giving into what it tells me to do.

One day I hope that I no longer get the temptation to exercise or restrict in order to compensate for what I may have eaten but until then, I know that I just need to keep fighting these thoughts. Because if I keep fighting them, they will eventually go away and only then will I be able to fully recover.

A true inspiration

Over a month ago, I was contacted by a girl called Laura who wanted some advice about how to keep moving forward in her recovery. To begin with I was really worried about her as I could see how much she was struggling and didn't know if I would be able to help her. I gave her as much advice as I could but I knew that she would have to fight with everything she had in order to get through her difficulut situation and that is exactly what she did.

Over the last month Laura has shown so much bravery and strength and her recovery attitute has been completely transformed. Laura and I email one another everyday but I no longer only give her advice, but she gives me advice too. With Lauras permission, I want to share some advice that she emailed to me as I think it is such an important message that everyone should read. I certainly intend to keep thinking about recovery in the way that Laura has suggested. She said;

It is so hard to keep going, when everything is telling me to restrict, to loose a few lbs, however I know that this won't solve my problems, and I will only struggle more, as my body is not happy being a lower weight and I don't function as well. At the moment, my thought process is 'right now, I am able to live without thinking about food all the time, I want to socialise more, I am more comfortable around food, and I have energy to work and live my life, so if a higher BMI/weight is the price that I have to pay for that then so what.' It's not easy, but this type of thinking helps. I also find that I am less irritable and more positive and friendly like this, so that makes me happy and want to fight further. Keeping all these things in mind defiantly helps, so maybe you could do the same to help you adjust to your body now? Just a thought!    

I find it unbelievable that this advice was written by the same person who contacted me just over a month ago with no idea how she could fight her anorexia. Even though it felt impossible she did it anyway which is exactly what everyone needs to do in order to recover. To all of those out there trying to recover but who feel as though recovery is too hard, be inspired by Laura. She is fighting her anorexia every day and is doing exactly what she needs to do in order to recover and you can too.

I am so incredibely proud of Laura for how far she has come in her recovery and have no doubt in my mind that she is going to beat her anorexia. I will never be able to thank Laura enough for her ongoing support and guidence and hope that we stay in touch well into the future.

Starting Yoga

I have decided that I am going to start doing yoga which is held each Wednesday night in the school gym. It only started last week and I was talkinng to the lady that takes it and she said that she would be more than happy for me to come. I told her that I have ligamentous laxity (so I am super flexible) but she seems to think that it is ok for me to do yoga as long as I don't over stretch my body and as long as I focus on holding poses and controlling my movements carefully.

In fact it should help me alot as it will help me to build up the muscles around my joints so that they can support my joints in the ways that my ligaments fail to. I think that yoga is also a fantastic sport to start participating in as it can help me rebuild all of the muscle that I lost through my anorexia, without exerting myself too much. Afterall, I want to reach a healthy weight by gaining back some of my muscle as well as just fat. I know that I need to have some fat on my body too but I obviously don't want to just have all fat.

So I am going to ring the yoga instructor and let her know that I am going to be there Wednesday night. I work at the supermarket Wednesdays anyway and finish work at 5:45 so it will be perfect as Yoga starts at 6pm. I am excited to be doing this as I do not only think it will be good for my body but also for my mind too. And it will be a great way to get out in the community and meet new people and spend time with those I already know.

I found the following article online which talks about how yoga can help a person to
recover from anorexia.

Research shows yoga helps eating disorder recovery

Interestingly, despite the growing numbers in terms of eating disorders in our nation, very little is actually known in regards to how they form, and what causes relapses in sufferers. Researchers led by Lourdes P. Dale from the University of Hartford determined to discover alternate healing for eating disorder recovery as it was noted that many of the traditional healing techniques failed at focusing on the emotional and body awareness aspects of eating disorders. 

The study involved a 6-week yoga workshop incorporating women with a history of eating disorders. The results were reported that the women who attended the workshop were better at identifying their emotional states, being aware of their emotional states, and found themselves more capable of handling their mood fluctuations. There was also a significant drop in the level of eating concerns for this particular group of women, and these positive outcomes carried on even after the workshop was complete.

Yoga practice focuses on deep breathing, mindfulness, and attention to how the body is working. It literally allows you to take your attention off of the matters surrounding you, and forces you to only think of the matters at hand, the person struggling with an disorder is thus allowed to redirect all their pain, and energy into the mat itself. Peaceful meditation allows for the re-centering of the thought processes, and the poses provide the strength of the body and redirection in the flow of the bodies energy. All positive, and necessary benefits in terms of eating disorder healing. 

The biggest challenge in any form of recovery, is taking the first step. It is literally mind over matter and a clarity will suddenly strike the sufferer that says, “I will no longer let this control my life. I am in control.” And when that clarity finally hits them, they will be ready to begin the healing process. Yoga can be there to guide them through to full, and lasting recovery.

http://www.evolationyoga.com/yoga-eating-disorder-recovery/

Here is also a video which I found from someone who strongly believes that yoga can make a wonderful difference to a person recovering from anorexia.

https://youtu.be/khB79zfC0hU

So if you think yoga might help you to recover, give it a go. I will let you know how it goes for me on Wednesday night. :)

Important reminders

Doing things that scare you in recovery

Living with an eating disorder means that your life is filled with fear. Fear of gaining weight, fear of particular foods, fear of not knowing how many calories a food contains, fear of people judging you and the fear of going against what your anorexia tells you to do. All of these fears are so real and strong to soeone suffering from anorexia. When I was at my sickest, things had once been scared of seemed like nothing at all compared to be anorexic fears. Now I can see that they were irrational however at the time they were so real to me.

If someone had told me I had to chose between eating poison or a chocolate bar I would have chosen the poison. This is because the thought of gaining weight and eating chocolate was scarier for me then the fear of eating poison and possibly dying. I was no longer friightened of death while I was at my sickest. I was never suicidal or wanted to die but I wasn't frightened of death either, I was only frightened of not listeing to what my anorexia told me I had to do.

The only way you can overcome the fears associated with your eating disorder and allow you to recover is to face them. The first time you face a fear it will be terrifying, challenging and most likely an awful experience. You will never feel completely ready to face your fears so please dont wait around for a time when you are completely ready as this will never happen. So while facing your fears is incredibely painful and distressing the first time, you will get through it and be stonger for it. And the next time you need to face that same fear it will be a little easier.

Something I like to ask myself when I am facing a fear is '"what is the worst thing that could happen?' Usually the answer I get when I am being completely honest is able to calm me down and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. Even though I may will still be scared, this allows me to rationalise the fear and make it slightly less scary. For example if I was starting to panic over eating a chocolate bar (which still happens sometimes) I would stop and ask mysef 'What is the worst thing that couuld happen if I eat this chocolate bar'.

My answer would then be that I may gain a little extra weight. I would then remind myself that gaining weight is my purpose at the moment. I need to gain weight and if this chocolate bar makes me gain a litttle extra weight that is GOOD. As it means that I am getting even closer to making a full recovery. Gaining the weight is inevitable if I want to make a full recovery and I therefore should not think of eating a chocolate bar as only something that can possibly make me gain weight, but instead think of it as something that can get me closer to being fully recovered.

I think that the main difference between people who are not yet ready to recover and those that are is that those not yet ready to recover are unable to rationalise their fears and face them. This was the case for me anyway, like when I would have rathered die then gain weight. That fear of gaining weight was so strong that it seemed impossible to overcome at the time. Now, although I am still frightened of gaining weight, I am strong enough to rationise this fear and face it anyway.

So how did I get from there to here? How did I get to the stage when I was ready to recover and fully committ to my recovery? I challenged myself. It took a long time and it was really painful but I did it anyway. Even when it feels impossible to fight your anorexia, please dont wait around waiting for things to change because it wont change on it's own. You need to face your fears and start making progress. This is the only way you will ever free yourself from your anorexia. Dont try and do the things that seem completely impossible at first.

For example the first fear I faced when I started trying to get better was not eating a chocolate bar. It was instead to eat a small pot of diet cocolate mousse that had less calories in it then a small apple. The first time I ate I was so guilt ridden and terrified however it got easier and eventually I was really comfortable with eating that. The next thing I conquered a few months later was eating a piece of thinly spread nutella on toast. Then a few months after that I let myself eat a single piece of chocolate. Was is terrifying? Of course it was but I did it anyway. Eventually I was comfortable enough to eat a treat sized chocolate bar, then a full sized chocolate bar.

Even if you just try and do a little thing that scares you every single day. Please dont get stuck in the daily routine of listening to your anorexia and always doing exactly as it says. Yes it may seem easier to do this then to face your fears but you are not truly living. And the reality is that eventually, living like this will most likely kill you. The only way you will get better is to start making recovery progress which will be painful and terrifying but also completely worth it. You are strong enough to do it, you just need to belive in yourself and give it everything you have got!