Loving life

A lot has happened since last time I posted but I can honestly say I am currently happy and healthy and making the most of my recovered life! Just before Christmas last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. It was so hard  losing Nathan as he  was my best friend and the person I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with however it became evident that we wanted different things in life and unfortunately he just wasn’t capable of loving me as much as I loved him. So I accepted the fact that we needed to part ways and although it was incredibly difficult at the time, I can now see that it was the best thing for me! I moved home to Swansea with my dad and sister which was good timing really as my parents had separated not long before so I basically stepped up and took on the mother  role for my little sister. I also got a job waitressing at the local pub and made a plan to continue my university course from home in Swansea when classes commenced in 2018.

Everybody was so frightened that I would get sick again when I broke up with my boyfriend but I was determined to prove everyone wrong and made sure I continued eating well whether I felt like it or not. It took me months to stop feeling really sad everyday as I missed Nathan so much but it honestly has got so much easier! I have made some amazing friends here in Swansea which made the main difference  and love being home with my dad and sister. I have even mended me and my mums broken relationship and  have myself a new guy friend that I spend a fair bit of time with and care for a lot which has also helped me to move on from Nathan! It seriously would have been so easy to just fall back into bad habits when I was miserable and missing Nathan but I never skipped a meal no matter how terrible I felt and simply didn’t let my anorexia take advantage of my vulnerability. I new I needed to stay healthy and strong so that I could go on to live the life I deserved one day.

I am currently really happy with the relationship I have with food and have even gained a few kilo since moving home which has been good for me (probably due to all the socializing I have been doing which typically involves drinking alcohol and eating out with friends at restaurants)! I have also become relaxed enough around food just to graze on things that are laying around the house without worrying about the calories they contain or how much I have eaten each day. I no longer go to a gym which is something I was doing a lot of before I moved back home to Swansea but I can honestly say I like my body more now then I did before I gained these last few kilos! I feel more womanly and confident in my own body and still manage to stay active between walking my dog around Swansea and also waitrssing which is surprisingly an incredibly active job! I have been managing to balance my home,work, social and uni lives pretty well. 

I did find myself feeling quite rundown and exhausted over the last couple of weeks and I was suffering from quite heavy nose bleeds and headaches. I went to the doctor and had some blood tests which revealed I had become iron deficient and anemic so I had an iron transfusion a couple of days ago and am already starting to feel better! From now on I just need to make more of an effort to eat more red meat and monitor my iron levels to make sure they don’t fall low again. As well as everything else I am already juggling I have just bought a horse and joined a netball team so I am about to be even busier if that is even possible, so I can’t afford to be feeling drained or unwell! I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling strong and positive as I have a bit of uni to catch up on during the day and then have to work tomorrow night. Anyway so better go to sleep now and I just want to remind everyone that no matter how hard recovery may seem, I promise it is worth it! 

Stay strong and keep fighting, 

Karly XX

My relationship with food post anorexia

Although I no longer consider myself to suffer from full blown anorexia, I know I still do not have a completely normal relationship with food either. I dont really worry about the fact that my relationship with food is a little different to others around me as it is not particularly harmful. I find it quite interesting as I have noticed other people who have also recovered eat quite similarly to me.

Firstly, I prefer to eat larger quantities of low calorie density foods. So the size of my meals is the same as others calories wise most of the time, however my meals just contain a lot more food. This probably started for me when I had anorexia and tried to eat as much as possible while consuming the fewest amount of calories possible. So while I dont try and limit my calories anymore, I still enjoy the same types of foods so need to eat a lot of them to ensure I am getting enough energy.

Because I really enjoy lots of vegetables and salads, I add heaps of these to my meals which makes them very large in volume. 

It sounds silly but I think I also like to eat large quantities of food because I just really enjoy eating and love food. I eat 6 meals a day and hate skipping meals. It is actually a fear of mine to skip meals and being hungry makes me really anxious and upset. I would much prefer to eat 6 small meals than 5 larger ones each day, even if it means I have to get up early so that I can do so.

Even though my meals are large, I eat them really fast which people often notice and are astonished by. I dont know why I eat so fast, but I have always the first to finish a meal ever since I started my recovery. I remember when I was really sick I used to eat my meals incredibely slowly, at an attemp to savour of morsal of food. But I suppose I just dont feel the need to do this anymore as I give my body all of the food it needs and am less obsessed with food.

Unlike most people, I still keep a basic count of the number of calories I eat each day to ensure I am getting enough energy. Some people may say that this is an unhealthy behaviour for me to have and I can see where they are coming from. However I have found this to be necessary in order for me to maintain my weight. If i dont do this and just try to listen to my hunger cues, I often find my self accidently eating too little.

I always eat absolutely everything on my plate. I know that this is probably a really weird trait for a post anorexic to have but I always finish all of my meals. I think I started doing this so strictly in recovery so that my anorexia could not try and tempt me to leave food. (Because I always ate everything on my plate no matter how full I felt, my anorexic voice didnt even try to get me to leave any behind.) So I guess I have kind of been conditioned to not associate feeling full with stopping eating.

Continuing to improve, every single day

Something that amazes is me is that everyday I contiue to improve and get a little bit stronger, then how I was the day before. Just in te last week I feel as though I have progressed yet to another stage of my recovery, without even really trying. Over the last week or so, I have started grazing throughout the day on nthings like fruit, icy poles and lollies. I know that this may seem like something so simple to somee people, but to me, it means doing something Ithought I would never do in my life. That is spontaneously eating extra calories throughout the day and really not caring that I am doing it!

These days I always seem to have a bag of lollies open and sitting in my kitchen which I can grab whenerver I feel like something sweet. I also grab fruit such as berries, applees of kiwi fruits in the same manner. I suppose I just dont care so much about the exact numbers of caloories I eat, because I know that eating more sometimes cant and wont hurt me. Also, even though my main meals and snacks are usually based around an approximate number of calories, I dont care if I eat more at those anymore either.

For example my dessert each night is usually about 1200 kJ however last night what I felt like didn't fit into that amount, so I just ate what I wanted and idn't put another thought into the matter. The extra food did not hurt me or make me gain weight, my body wold have just used it some other way or perhaps it was stored to be used when my body needs a little extra energy. I wasn't particlarly hungry for extra food but i just felt like eatig a combination of foods that would not fit into my usual calorie target, but I ate them anyway. To me, being able to do this is what it means to have a healthy reationship with food and I really couldn't be happier!

In a way, I feel as though I am cheating in reovery as I am not even really trying to get bettter anymore, however it is just continuing to happen as I live my life. As long as I continue to nurture my body and mind, I really do believe I am on track to making a full recovery which excites me so muh. Sometimes, to think of never having anorexic thoughts at all seems very impossible but I know that its not... Afterall, look at all of the 'impossible' things I have overcome so far in my recovery.

A very important thing to remember, for all of my readers who are currently fighting is that if I can do it, then so can you. I am not a particularly brave or strong person, nor am I any more capable of recovery then you are. You can do this, I know you can! Please believe me when I say that all you have to do in order to recover is believe you can do it and never give up. Remember that  no matter how hard it may seem to fight your anorexia sometimes, it is never too hard. You can always do it if that is what you truly want to do. It may be painful, but I promise you with all my heart that it is definetely worth it <3

Food guilt

Over the last few weeks, I have really noticed just how little guilt I am beginning to feel over food. I was always far too frightened to eat anything spontaneously or unplanned as I knew how guilty I would feel but I can honestly say, even though I have been doing this a lot lately, I have not been feeling any guilt.

I have been snacking on little thinks like grapes, lollies and small chocolate pieces throughout the day on top of my regular intake and it honestly doesn't worry me that I am eating extra. I have finally realised that food is not something tobe frightened of or that can hurt me. It is just a normal part of life that we really dont need to think so much about.

I have always felt guilty for eating when I am not really hungry but luckily this way of thinking is starting to dissappear also. There is nothing wrong with eating sometimes, even when you dont feel hungry but instead for other reasons. For example you may just want to eat something to be sociable, because it tastes good or because you feel like it.

For years food is something that has been very closely associated with guilt for me but I am so happy that this is no longer the case. Feeling guity all the time over food is wrong and I highly reccommend you try to overcome this, as I am starting to do. Even though I still have a long way to go before eating is completely guilt free to me, I can already see the difference that the progress I have made is making to my happiness and my recovery.

Anyone can Recover

They did it...

I did it..... (well atleast i'm doing it)

YOU CAN DO IT!

Please, just ask

I know that the types of posts that I write has changed a fair bit since I first started my blog and I guess this is because my life has changed so much since then. I used to write about various topics and issues that were relevant to my anorexia at the time but now, those types of things are not really relevant to my life anymore, so I forget to write about them. I guess that this is a good thing really as it shows just how my life has been turned around and it shows just how much progress I have made.

In saying this, I do not mind writing about those types of things that used to effect me and that I used to write about in order to help any of my readers out. I have been thinking and have realised that there are probably a lot of you who are in a much earlier stage of recovery then myself and what is relevant to me, is not necessarily relevant to you. I honestly don't mind writing about anything at all from my past or present, all you have to do is ask :)

You can also go back and read my old posts that I wrote in the earlier stages of my recovery as well if you are looking for any guidence or advice about a articular topic. Other then that I will try to remember back to what life was like in the earlier stages of my recovery and I will try to write a bit more about overcoming various challenges I was faced with.

Some people may question whether it is healthy for me to be thinking back to when I was sick so much as in a way it may be stopping me from moving forward but I honestly dont find it harmmful to me at all, at this stage of my life anyway. If anything, remembering back to the bad times just reminds me of how terrible life used to be and makes me never want to go back to that. It also makes me appreciate how wonderful life is at the moment, now that I am so much closer to making a full recovery.

Initially I made my blog mainly to try and help myself in my own recovery and I honestly believe that my blog has served this purpose extremely well. Now however since I am in such a good place, I feel as though the most important role of my blog is to help others others. So please, if you have any ideas about how Ican help you or anyone else, I would love for you to share them with me. Don't be shy, just comment any ideas or questions below or if you would rather, you can email me at: karlygraham94@gmail.com

 

Actions speak louder than words

Recovery is one of those things whereby actions really do speak much louder than words. It is one things to say that you want recovery but truly fighting your eating disorder actually requires you to change your actions too. I spent years believing and saying that I was in recovery however I can see now that I really wasn't in recovery at all. It wasn't until I actually started to do the opposite of what my anorexia was telling me to do that I actually truly started to  recover. Before then, I may have thought I was in recovery but I really wasn't at all.

A pretty easy way of telling whether you are truly in recovery or not is to think about whether you make yourself feel uncomfortable at times. What I mean by saying this is that when your anorexic thoughts arise, you don't just give into them but instead you fight them which will most likely cause you anxiety and distress. If you are not feeling upset and challeged at times and you are supposed to be 'recovering', then I would question whether you are truly recovering or not as recovery is painful.

Every time I told my family that I was going to make a special effort to recover, they tried to support me but I knew that they didn't believe that I would actually do it. I dont blame them for not believing in me as I had told them so many times before that I was going to gain weight and get better but I had failed to do so everytime. It wasn't until my family could actually SEE me eating more and SEE my weight gain that they realised that I truly was startiing to get better.

Just saying you are going to gain weight does not constitute being in recovery from anorexia, however actually gaining weight does. Similarily just saying that you are going to eat dessert does not allow you to make recovery progress. You actually have to eat dessert in order to get closer to making a recovery. In saying this I would like everyone to know that I understand what it is like to fail to follow through on recovery plans. I know that this does not make you dishonest or mean that you are not trying. 

The point I am trying to make is that in order to recover you need to do more then just talk about recovering, you actually need to get in and do it. You need to push yourself to do what may seem impossible and actually fight your anorexia through your actions. If you are not doing this, then you need to try your hardest to do so as otherwise you wont recover. No matter how long you wait around for recovery to happen, it won't happen unless you actively take control of your life and make it happen. 

Latest progress pictures

After my post this morning about the need to gain weight in recovery, I thought I would show you all the physical progress I have made up until today. Even though it was hard gaining weight, I am still happy that I have done it as I know that my weight gain is what has enabled me to actually make recovery progress mentally too.

Latest progress pictures

*TRIGGER WARNING*

This post contains photos of me when I was very underweight so please skip this post if you find these types of photos triggering.

2013

May 2015

Now

I can honestly say that I am so proud of myself for all of the progress I have made. I may not accept my new body completely yet, but I am determined to keep fighting until I do. :) x

The only time you should look back is to see how far you have come

An amazing girl remided me of something incredibely important recently, which was that the only time you should look back on your past, is to see how far you have come. I think that this is the most wonderful saying and believe that it is so true.

Firstly, it is true that there is no point in looking back on the past and dwelling on things that may have gone wrong. For a long time I had a hard time getting past all of the things I had lost because of my anorexia and I also spent too much time worrying about why my anorexia started in the first place.

What I eventually realised however was that what happened in the past could not be changed, no matter how much I worried or thought about it. I also realised that thinking about the tough times I have been through was only making me feel bad and stopping me from enjoying my life now.

So I know that I should not spend time worrying about the past and that I just need to accept everything that has happened in the past. Afterall, everything that has happened in the past (the good and bad) has shaped me to become the person I am today and I wouldn't want to change the person that I am, even if I could.

My friend was so right when she said that you should only look back to see how far you have come, so that is exactly what I am going to do in this post. I am going to take a moment to look at all the progress I have made in my recovery so far and concentrate on that, rather than spending time getting frustrated about how long recovery is taking.

The timeline of me at my most anorexic point, to where I am today.

DEADLY SICK (July 2013)

-Started to increase my intake very gradually

-Started to eat foods other then vegeatbles, non fat yoghurt, salad and oats

-my resting heart rate began to increase above 30bmp

-Started eating 6 meals per day

- Started eating pasta/rice/potato

- gained a couple of kilograms despite the fact that I was still undereating

HALF RECOVERED (July 2014)

-Could eat anything as long as I can count its calories and it fit into my daily intake

-Could eat things like chocolate, cake, icecream, custard etc in small amounts

-Able to eat a 'normal' amount of food, but not eough to gain weight

-Became a little less obsessed with food (I no longer tried to make my meal times last ages or spent my days waiting for my next meal)

  

GETTING CLOSER TO MAKING A FULL RECOVERY (July 2015)

-can eat full fat products

-Managed to eat large recovery amounts

-Reached a healthy bmi

-Exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me

-No longer weigh everything I eat

-No longer care about 'exact' numbers of calories

-Can easily eat things like chocolate bars

-Able to enjoy a meal out with family that is prepared by somebody else

-No longer feel the cold

-No longer care about my exact weight

-Able to accept myself for who I am supposed to be

-Able to fight my anorexic thoughts, whenever they arise

-Can go days without exercising

-No longer compensating for eating more or for exercising less by restricting

-no longer count macro nutrients

-full of energy and life

-actually want to socialising again

And the list seriously keeps going on... this list only touches on the progress I have made and these are just the things that sprung to mind right now.

Looking at this list, it really does go to show that I have come an incredibely long way and that I should be proud of myself for everything I have achieved. In fact I am proud of myself for everything I have achieved. If you look at the timeline above, you will probably notice that most of my pogress has been made over the past year, in particularly since I started my blog.

I know that a huge part of this is because of all of my wonderful readers believeing in me and motivaing me to keep fighting every single day. So thank you so much. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you all and I really cant thank you all enough.

Because of all of you, I do not only want to recover so that I can be happy. I also want to recover so that I can show each and everyone of you that recovery IS POSSIBLE! Once I felt as though recovery was too hard and that I would be sick forever too but look at me now. You all need to realise that if I can do it, so can you.

So remember, only look back at your life so that you can see how far you have come. Hopefully, like me you will realise that you have come way to far to give up now and that everyday you fight you are getting one day closer to being fully recovered. No matter how sick of recovery you get, never give up and you will make it eventually.

Striving to make a full recovery

A really important thing to remember whilst recovering is that it is so easy to just stop half-way in your recovery, but you really shouldn't do this. As you can see frrom tthe list directy below, I have made a lot of progress in my recovery, however I know that I am not fully recovered yet so I need to KEEP FIGHTING. 

I think that so many people just stop in a half recovered state as they make the mistake of thinking that there anorexia will always be apart of them to some extent. I know that until quite recently I believed that I would always be anorexic, but I just hoped that I would l learn to control my anorexia enough so that I could still be happy.

Now however my ultimate goal is to make a full recovery, so that I can live a wonderful life completely free of tteh rules, worries and regulations that my anorexi arules me with. I will know when I am fully recovered as I will no longer feel anxious about food or weighta and I will not have a second voice in my head fulling me with self doubt and trying to kill me. Instead of saying I HAVE anorexia, I will be able to say I HAD anorexia. 

In saying this, I know that it is incredibely important for me to stay aware of how vulunerable I am to developing this illness so that I can ensure it never happens again. I guess it is a bit like an alcoholic who is sober for years. They are no longer really 'actively' alcoholics but they know they cant even have one drink as this could cause them to fall back to their old ways. 

I could stop fighting now as I feel fantastic and healthy but I know that if I want to have a truly happy and healthy life I need to continue with my recovery so that I completely beat my anorexia and get rid of it all together.  I realise I have probably left a lot of things off of the lists below but they are just the things that popped into my mind this morning. 

It was really nice to see that there were more things in the first list then the second list and even better that I have achieved most of those things in the last 4 months or so. Please remember that you do not need to settle for a half recovered state. You deserve to make a full recovery and you will, you just need to keep believing and keep fighting <3  

I know I am getting closer to being recovered because......

1. I no longer weigh everything I eat

2. I have reached an acceptable weight for my height

3. I have eaten most of my fear foods and some of them I eat every single day

4. While I read the energy content of foods, I take no notice of other nutritional values

5. I no longer count macronutrients

6. I can comfortably eat recovery amounts of food

7. I always follow my meal plan (intake target) perfectly

8. I think about food a lot less then I used to

9. I no longer feel the cold or suffer from poor circulaton

10. I can fit into regular adult clothes

11. I actually want to socialise now

12. I can think much more rationally 

13. I can concentrate on things other then food

14. I can eat out at restaurants

But I know I still need to keep fighting because......

1. My anorexic voice is still there, trying to make me feel terrible and lose weight

2. I still weigh foods occasionally, which I dont want to do

3. I do not feel as though I could start eating intuitively yet

4. I still count calories

5. I do not think that my relationship with exercise is completely healthy yet

6. I am yet to have a natural period ( I have only had periods while using a pill)

7. It makes me very anxious to eat things prepared by anyone other tthan myself

Taking anxiety medication

For years my doctor wanted me to take medication for my anxiety however I refused. She thought that it would help a lot with the anxiety I had associated with my anorexia and thought that taking it would allow me to make more progress in my recovery. I had a few reasons for not wanting to take this type of medication. I don't think I was truly ready to get better yet and I was not yet ready to stop listening to my anorexia. I had heard that anti anxiety and depression medications could cause weight gain (which certainly has not been the case for me) so I was worried that my doctor only wanted me to take the medication to make me gain weight. I also felt as though taking a medication like this would mean that I was weak, as taking this kind of medication would mean that I was not able to get better on my own.

Eventually, I decided to give taking anxiety medication a proper go but it was not actually for my eating disorder recovery I decided to do this, it was actually just before I started my new job. I was worried that my anxiety and self doubt would prevent me from being confident enough in myself to actually do my new job at the bank. However once I started taking the daily medication, My anxiety did not only imensely improve at work, it also improved in regards to my anorexia as well. Now the amount of anxiety I feel whenever I fight my anorexia is much more barable, which means that I am able to start making more and more progress in my recover.

As I have been eating so much more and allowing my mind to repair, I have been able to think so much clearer and more rationally so my anxiety has got even better still. Once My mind is completely recovered I do not feel as though I will need to continue taking the anxiety medication at all, as I will be strong enough to control the anxiety I get from day to day by myself and I dont expect I will sufffer from anxiety, anywhere near as much once I make a full recovery. Afterall, it is only since I started starving my poor brain that my anxiety has gotten so out of control. I do not feel weak for taking anxiety medication and neither should you. As long as you recover from your eating disorder, who cares what you must do in order to achieve it (as long as you are not doing anything dangerous or unhealthy of course).

To me, getting happy and healthy is all that matters and if doing that requires me to take a small anxiety tablet each morning to keep my anxiety at barable levels whilst I choose to fight my anorexia, then that is exactly what I will do. I do not feel ashaimed of the fact that I was not able to cope with the extreme anxiety associated with recovery on my own. I am proud because I know that I  am doing everything in my power to ensure that I make a full recovery from anorexia and fight it every day with everything I have got! So please, if you feel as though your extreme anxiety is preventing you from sticking to your meal plan or doing any of the other things you need to do in order to recover, talk to a doctor about taking some anxiety medication. I know I would not have been able to make as much progress as I have without it and it really could be the difference between whether you recover from anorexia, or die with this awful illness.