Exciting news!

I know that I am long over due for an update on my life and how I am going post recovery, but I have been waiting until it was safe for me to share my exciting news with you all. I am currently 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant, which means my dream of becoming a mum is finally coming true. I found out I was pregnant on the 16th of August, two months ago now, after trying to conceive for 12 months. I was starting to worry that I wasn't going to be able to fall pregnant naturally and knew that this could have had something to do with my eating disorder history, but thank goodness it all worked out for us. I had my 12 week scan last Friday and I thought I was only 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant but the baby was actually measuring a week ahead which was really exciting. Although it was too early to tell the gender of our baby, everything looked perfect and our bub is super active!

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. It has always been the most important thing to me and all I ever really cared about achieving in life. At the end of the day, I didn't care what job I ended up with or whether I ever owned my own house or anything like that, all I cared about was having a family. Wanting to become a mum one day was actually one of the things that got me through my recovery, as I knew that by not looking after my body I would be decreasing my chances of ever being able to have children. I also wanted to be a healthy and mentally stable mum, if I ever was lucky enough to be one. I had been with my partner for a while and he knew how much I longed to be a mum, so together we decided to start trying. That was in August 2018 and at the time I wasn't in the best place mentally. I wouldn't say my eating disorder was back in full force but my relationship with food was not healthy and I was practicing some pretty unhealthy behaviours. Trying to fall pregnant helped me to stop those behaviours however, as I knew that I needed to be as healthy as possible in order to fall pregnant and be the best mum possible.

So as the months went by, I got healthier and healthier but I still wasn't falling pregnant, which was really disheartening. I was trying so hard to stay healthy to optimise my chances of falling pregnant but every month I didn't fall pregnant left me feeling like all my hard work was for nothing. Although I said I was trying to fall pregnant, I was still drinking quite a bit of alcohol some weekends which, looking back, I honestly think was hindering my chances of conceiving. I got to the start of July this year and I was totally fed up and depressed about not being able to fall pregnant. I worried I would never be able to fall pregnant and my GP told me that if I still wasn't pregnant in a months time, then she would refer me to a fertility specialist. I stopped drinking all together as I wanted to make sure I wasn't hindering my chances of falling pregnant. I also started to follow a low FODMAP diet as I had been suffering from really bad IBS in the months leading up to this time. Following this diet really helped me to feel better and completely stopped my IBS symptoms and I was also exercising quite a lot at the time, so actually lost a bit of weight unintentionally. And in that month, I also fell pregnant!

Finding out I was finally pregnant was the most exciting thing ever. Not only had I always wanted a baby more than anything, but not being able to fall pregnant for so long just made me long for it even more. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant, the anxiety did hit. Everywhere I looked online, there were stories about miscarriages and really scary miscarriage rates. I felt like I was bound to be one of the unlucky ones it would happen to, but luckily it didn't! My partner and I told our immediate family and best friends quite early but waited until we were cleared at our 12 week scan before announcing it to anyone else. Since being pregnant, all of my eating disorder thoughts and tendencies have gone out the window as nothing matters to me, except the health of our little baby. I have already regained the weight I lost before falling pregnant and some, and am giving into all of my pregnancy cravings. I have seriously eaten more chocolate, cake and sweet biscuits in the last 3 months then I have in the last 10 years! Its like when I was refeeding myself all over again. I always thought that the only thing that would ever completely cure me from my eating disorder was falling pregnant and having a family and I can honestly say that for me, this is 110% true. For the first time in my life I am not restricting myself from eating what I truly want to eat and gaining weight isn't something that scares me at all.

In saying this, I am not recommending people out there with eating disorders should try and fall pregnant so they can recover, as this is often not the case. In fact, falling pregnant has been known to make many peoples eating disorders a lot worse and subsequently they put the health of their babies at risk. But I always knew that this would not happen to me, as my maternal instinct is far stronger then my eating disorder instinct ever has been and ever will be. My mum was exactly the same. She had issues with food in her later teen and early adult years and only truly ate well and started looking after herself properly for the first time when she fell pregnant for the first time, with my older brother. All in all, I hope that this gives hope to others out there who are currently suffering that there really is life after an eating disorder. Recovery is a long and hard road but the fight is well worth it when you get the end and get to live the life you have always dreamed about.

Pain is real, but so is hope

For years, I lived completely consumed by my illness and unable to make any recovery progress. If anyone had of asked me during this time if I wanted to recover I would have said a huge YES, however I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to do what I needed to do in order to recover so I didn't really try. At the time, I told people around me and even myself that I was trying to recover but looking back, I know I wasn't trying, not really. I was eating enough to keep myself out of hospital and alive however I was severely underweight and my starved mind was incapable of thinking rationally, which made trying to recover seem even more impossible. The thought of doing the things I knew I needed to do in order to get better was so terrifying that I didn't think it was possible that I would ever get better. I had accepted that I was going to live the rest of my life consumed by my eating disorder.

Anyone whose been where I have been knows just how impossible and difficult it feels and anyone who hasn't been there wont be able to even begin to understand. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is if someone told you that you had to become the richest person in the world or the fastest runner in the world, you would probably think that it seemed impossible and that there would be no point in even trying as it couldn't happen. Well that's how impossible the prospect of recovery seems to someone who is fully consumed by anorexia. Also, the fear associated with doing the things you need to do in order to recover is so severe that you would honestly rather just die. That's how I felt anyway. My thought processes were so irrational that just eating a meal prepared by my family or someone else honestly would have terrified me more than sculling a bottle of poison or jumping off a bridge.

So how did I manage to recover when it seemed so impossible and scary? I found hope. That is honestly the only difference between the years I spent totally consumed by my eating disorder and unable to change and the time when I was actually able to start making some recovery progress and turn my life around. I read anorexia recovery blogs of other girls who managed to beat their illnesses and this gave me hope that I too could get better. I was miserable living with my illness. I had become a social recluse with no friends and I was incapable of even having relationships with family members. I was 20 years old and had never had a romantic relationship, didn't go out, play sport or have any hobbies. I had dropped out of university and did nothing but stay home and be consumed by anorexia all day every day, month in month out. I wanted so much to live a normal life and through seeing other girls get better who had been where I was, gave me hope that I could do it too.

So I started my recovery journey and started my own blog to document my progress, with the intentions of inspiring other sufferers and giving them the hope they required to fight their illnesses. My recovery then became about not only fighting for the life I wanted for myself but also about recovering so that I could give hope to others, as had happened to me. Everyday was painful and scary but I never gave up hope and I never gave in to my eating disorder. I continued to follow my plan and as I did I began to recover, both physically and mentally. My thoughts slowly became more rational, meaning things that initially terrified me didn't seem so scary anymore. My eating behaviours got more and more normal and I started to get out of the house more and started to actually live my life for the first time in many years.

Everyday I received emails from readers all over the world, saying that my recovery journey was giving them hope, which in turn made me all the more adamant to keep going until I made a full recovery. I didn't want to be the reason that my readers lost hope, I wanted to continue to inspire them and that's exactly what I did. I kept going until I was living a relatively normal life with lots of friends and family, a partner, holidays, university, work, sports, hobbies and all the things that I ever wanted in life. Even though I don't blog often anymore, I still like to check in occasionally and let everyone know that I am still ok. I may have a few ups and downs every now and then but nothing that prevents me from living a happy and normal life. I suppose I just want to help as many people find hope as possible as I believe it really is the difference between being able to recover or not.

So please, if you are struggling and feel like recovery is impossible for you, I promise its not. You can recover just like I did. You just need to have hope, believe in yourself and fight with everything you have for the life you deserve to live. Karly xxx

Living without regrets

Sometimes I find myself thinking about what my life would have been like if I had never developed my eating disorder or if I was never sick. To say my eating disorder has taken a lot away from me would be an understatement. Not only did it steal so much away from me as soon as I got sick, it literally took years away from my life. 

Even though I often think of all the things I missed out on because of my illness, I know that I wouldn't change a single part of my journey so far, even if I could. Because if everything that has happened in my life so far hadn't happened, then I know I would not be where I am today.

 Of course it would have been great to never have gone through the torture and pain of having an eating dosorder and also recovery. But then I know I wouldn't be as brave and strong as I am today and I would never have learnt to believe in myself and accept myself as I now do. I also wouldn't be able to use my own experiences to help others who are going through similar things to what I have been through.

The main reason I wouldn't change a single thing from my past is because I know I probably would never have met my boyfriend. Nathan is, without a doubt, the love of my life and I know that if anything in my past had been different, then chances are we would never have met and ended up together. So although my journey has been painful, lonely and plain terrible at times, for me being with Nathan now is worth every bit of that. 

How is it Friday already?

It's Friday morning here in Australia and I cant believe another work week is already over. It is really scary how fast time is flying by which I think is a good reminder about why we need to take action and start fighting our eating disorders sooner rather than later. I spent years just existing and hoping that I would one day get better before Icam eto tthe realisation that in order to get better, I needed to fight. Life is way to short to waste it sick with an eating disorder so I highly reccommend you start fighting as hard as you possibly can and try and get well as soon as possible.

Although it is the last day of the working week for most, my working week is literally only just beginning. I had a lovvely day off yesterday just pottering around the house and taking Tess for a few walks. Whilst I was on my first walk I rang an old friend called Ella so it was really nice to catch up with her. Mum joined Tess and I on our second walk so that was also nice. I got all of my housework done which was great and also went to the school to watch my little sisters school assembly. After having a lovely day off yesterday, I am feeling energized and positive about starting 6 more days of work today.

I am working at the supermarket all weekend however throughout the winter we close at 4:30 on the weekends instead of 5:45 so it is really nice to have an extra hour or so in the evenings to myself. I am still going out for tea with my two cousins and another friend tomorrow night too which I am really looking forward to. I think the girls are planning on staying out for a while after tea which should be fun however I will try not to go to bed too late as I will still have to be at work at 8:30 the next morning. I wish that I wasn't working however I was not going to let this stop me from going out and enjoying myself.

I better go and start getting ready for work as I still have heaps to do. I have to iron my clothes for work, get myself dressed and ready, walk Tess and make myself some lunch all before driving the 30 minutes to work. I hope that you all have an enjoyable Friday and an even better weekend :)

Day 30: what is the best part about being in recovery?

I cant believe I am already at the end of my 30 day recovery challenge. In the past 30 days I have learnt so much about who I am and I have also realised what is truly important in life. I am proud of myself for keeping up with my challenge and completing each post and I plan on treating my recovery with the same amount of determinationa and dedication into the future. For the first time since developing my illness, I honestly believe that I can recover!

There are  so many wonderful things about being in recovery. These include eating lots of delicious food, feeling energetic and healthy, feeling proud of myself for my achievements, having my recovery blog and helping others with there own recoveries. The absolute best thing for me about being in recovery is that I now have hope. Before I started recovering, I had accepted the fact I was going to die with my anorexia. I didnt know if it was going to happen in 2 months or 2 decades but I believed it was definetely going to happen. I didnt think that making a full recovery was possible for me, I therefore had given up all hope and did not see any point in even trying.

Since starting my recovery journey, I have once again found hope. Making achievements that I thought I would never be able to make has made me realise that I am capable of recovery, and I always have been. All I needed to do was believe in myself. Everytime I fight my anorexia and win, I get a little closer to making a full recovery which gives me more and more hope and this hope inspires me to keep fighting, every single day.