Accepting my weight

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in a while to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was months ago, which I think is a good thing. To me, this indicates that I am looking after myself and that my body is sitting at my natural set point weight. The figure I had before I got anorexia has returned and I have lots of energy to live the busy and active lifestyle I want to live.

I feel fit and healthy and dont experience any of the symptoms of starvation that I had when I was underweight. With a BMI of 19, I know that I am still quite small and that my weight is at the lower end of the 'healthy weight range' for my height and this is what I remind myself, everytime I have anorexic thoughts about wanting to lose weight.

To me, losing weight also means losing hapiness and that is something that I definetely am not willing to give up. So althoug I may not like and appreciate my body 100% of the time, I am able to accept is almost all of the time and whenever I am self conscious, I can manage to talk myself around and make myself see that the expectations I have of myself are not unrealistic.

When I am thinking rationally, I know that there is nothing wrong with my body at all. I am healthy and my body is able to function well at my current weight. I may not be super skinny but I am certainly not over weight either and have no reason to need to lose weight. In fact losing weight would make me less healthy anf harm my body, so I therefore should not desire to do it at all.

So when I do start feeling self conscious I just need to remind myself that it is only my anorexia making me feel uncomfortable and that my anorexia would make me feel like this, no matter how thin I was. And by ignoring these thoughts, I honestly believe that I will eventtually stop having them all together.


 

Maintaining my current weight

*****************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
In this post I talk about my weight and BMI and there are also some photos of me when I was very underweight as well as when I am heealthy.



After getting up and weighing myself this morning, I was quite happy to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was over a week a go when I weighed myself last. My weight has been stable for around a month now and my body seems to be able to run healthily and happily at this weight. I am feeling really quite comfortable with the way my body currently looks which is an amazing feeling as I cant rememebr the last time I was actually happy with my body.

I am currrently eating a minimum daily intake of 2500 calories and I really do feel fantastic. I no longer experience any of the symptoms that I once experienced whilst restricting or undereating. The most noticeable difference to me is not actually with my physical health but instead with my mental health. I find that I can now think so clearly and my anxiety levels are also much lower then they have been for years.


Some professionals may argue that I have not gained enough weight as my bmi is still only 19, which is at the very bottom of the healthy weight range.

I have spoken to my GP about this and she is quite happy for me to remain at my current weight. The goal weight she initially set for me was 50 kg and she was thrilled that I has chosen to gain even more weight myself. My doctor knows how thin my parents and my siblings are and also knows what my figure was like before I developed anorexia and she seems to think that my current weight is a healthy weight for me.

Sometimes I feel as though I should keep gaining some more weight but only so that I can be a good role model for my readers, not for any other reason. I like my body the way it currently is and I worry that if I gain too much more weight I will become unhappy with the way I look again which will lead to bad body image for me as well as a possible relapse. Also, if I was not feeling so healthy and happy then I would be more inclined to gain some more weight, however I am feeling so fantastic, it feels quite unneccesary.

The main reason I don't want to 'stop half way' is beecause I know that making a full recovery is impossible if I faill to reach my natural healthy body weight. If a time ever comes that I feel as though I am still anorexic and unable to make any more progress, then this is when I will start trying to gain more weight again. For now however I can still feel myself making recovery progress and getting healthier and stronger each day so I am just going to continue letting my body maintain, as it currently is.

July 2013

July 2015

Something that I simply cant stress enough is that you need to listen to the doctors and health care professions who are looking after YOU. Just because my doctor says that it is ok for me to stop gaining weight at the weight I am currenttly at does not mean it is necessarily healthy for you to stop at a bmi of 19 too. We just need to do what is the best thing for OURSELVES and concentrate on getting healthy and making a full recovery. Keep fighting everyone, we can do this <3 xx

Focusing less on my weight

I have decided that since weighing my self courses me more anxiety then anything else, I am going to set myself the challenge of not weighing myself for 1 month. I will see how I feel after the month and if I want to, I may continue this challenge even longer. The thing is, I really dont need to know my exact weight to know whether I am healthy or not and I feel ass though seeing my weight go up only makes me feel terrible, whether I can a tully see any difference in myself or my body or not.

Afetrall, why does the number on the scale mater so much anway or even my bmi? I felt as though weighing myself really was necesssary while I was stlll underweight as I needed to make sure I was making enough progress with my weight gain and my mind also was not healthy enough so that I could trust what I saw i the mirror. For example my anorexia would distort my reflection and make me believe l looked much bigger when in fact I had not gined any weight at all.

Now however I trust myself enough to keep a check on my weight by looking at my body and seeing how my clothes fit me. I dont need aa scale to tell me an exact number to know that I am healthy. I believe that this will also let me allow my weight to settle at my natural set point weight if I am yet to reach it as I wont feel anywhere near as anxious about gaining a little extra weight, If I am not weighing myself and therefore have no evidence it is happening.

If anyoe would like to join me on this month without the scale please feel free to do it. Even if you are weighed by a doctor or specilist regularly, you can still participate as you just need to ask if you can do a blind weigh in.

My goal weight

*please note. I have not talked about exact weights in this post but I have talked about bmi so if you think this may be triggering, skip this post :)

Today I got asked a really important question by a reader and thought it would be a good idea to write a post on the topic. The question was; 

I have got a question. When you write about a healthy bmi - which one are you thinking about? 18, 19, 20? :) i think there are different opinions about what is a healthy weight.

To be completely honest, while planning my weight gain throughout my recovery so far I have considered reaching a bmi of 18.5 as reaching a healthy weight as this is when I would no longer be classified as underweight. Since being asked this question however I am starting to remember back to my time in hospital when my doctor said that a healthy bmi for a recovered anorexic was atleast 20. I dont think I can really tell now what a healthy recovered weight will be for me and I may need to wait until I reach it before knowing that I am both mentally and physically healthy.

So I suppose you could say that the weight I will be at when my bmi is 18.5 is my FIRST goal weight or MINIMUM goal weight. After reaching this point I am very aware that I will most likely need to continue gaining weight.  Genetically, I am a thin person, just like both my parents and my GP has said that she thinks I need to get to xx kilograms (which is equivelent to a bmi if 18.5 for me).

I found the following information here and thought it explained the way doctors determine initial goal weight really well. 

A variety of factors go into deciding the target weight and range. Often, physicians will consult pediatric growth charts to determine a reasonable weight based on the individual’s height and age. These charts are important for revealing growth patterns and may show a tendency for the person suffering from the illness to be similar to a particular percentile within the population. Further consideration is given to lowest and highest weights the person has achieved within the last several months, as well as their growth and weight throughout their life. Also, they will look at the person’s body type, and the body types found within their family. “We note the height and size of her mother and the age at onset of menses in the mother and female siblings. We also note the patient’s growth and weight curve from the time of birth,” notes Dr. Katherine Halmi of Cornell University Medical College.

Becoming completely weight restored for me will not be when I reach this minimally acceptable bmi but when I reach my natural set point. At this weight I know that I will be physically healthy as my body will be able to work optimally. 

I would like to thank the reader who asked me this question as it has reminded me that reaching a minimally acceptable bmi does not constitute becoming weight restored. It has reminded me that while reaching this bmi may be an acceptable short term goal, my real goal should be to get my weight back to MY natural set point. Once I am satisfied that I have reached my optimum set point my plan is to stop counting calories and following a set meal plan and learn how to eat intuitively. 

For anyone who doesnt know what intuitive eating is, it is the concept of eating based upon what your body tells you it wants. I have read a fair bit about intuitive eating and believe that it is the best way to live a happy and healthy life. It requires you to have a lot of trust in your body as you need to listen to your body at all times without ever restricting. If you would like to read more about intuitive eating click here.

I found the following information from here really helpful to help determine what you natural set point is;

How do you know your set point weight?

A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.

The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.

Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.

You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.

When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.

This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.

In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body.