Eating healthily and exercising

A common misconception is that people who eat healthily and work out want to lose weight. I have received various different comments over the last couple of months about what I eat and the exercise I do. People say things like 'you dont have to go to the gym, you are already skinny' or 'why do you only eat healthy foods, you dont need to lose weight.' 

What these people fail to realise is that I dont eat healthily or exercise because I am trying to lose weight. In fact I am actually trying to gain weight at the moment. I do these things however because I love and respect my body and want to keep it healthy and strong. 

Eating healthy foods does NOT necessarily cause weightloss if you are still getting enough calories. It just means that the foods you eat nourish your body and make you feel more energetic, instead of harming your body and making you feel lethargic and slugish.

Similarily, exercise does NOT lead to weight loss as long as you are fueling your body with enough energy. The health benefits of being physically active are endless and include things like disease prevention and more efficient respiratory, cardiovascular and metabolic functioning. As well as improving your physical health, exercise also has the ability to improve mental health.

I suppose an important question to ask yourself if you have had an eating or exercise disorder before is 'why am I exercising?' or 'why do I eat healthily?' If the honest answer is because you enjoy these things and want to nourish your body and allow it to be healthy and strong, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be doing these things. 

If however your honest answer to these questions are more 'disordered' reasons, then I would question whether you should be eating healthily or exercising, as doing these things will most likely be destructive to you and your mental health.

Remember to rest

Ever since getting a gym membership a few weeks ago, I have really enjoyed being able to exercise regularly, regardless of the weather. I have also really enjoyed doing a wide variety of exercises instead of just walking like I used to do and I can already see my fitness and strength improving. Something incredibely important to remember is to make sure you have rest days, to give your body a break and allow it to repair and recover.

 Something else to remember is that on rest days, you should not feel as though you cant eat as much as you usually would. If you only feel as though you can not or should not eat your regular intake if you are not doing exercise then this is not a healthy mindset to have and perhaps you aren't ready to start exercising again. You should not think of exercise as something you do so that you can eat, you should think of eating as something you do to keep you healthy and that gives your body the fuel it needs so that you can exercise when you want to.

For instance, I have been to the gym the last 4 days in a row and I am choosing to have a rest day today to allow my sore muscles to repair. I have full intention of eating my usual intake today even though I am not exercising. It has taken me a long time to change to this mindset but I am glad to say that my days of compensating for not exercising by eating less are over! I know that my body needs to be fueled properly EVERYDAY and that is exactly what I intend to do!

Although not as much energy will be required by your body for actual physical activity on rest days, if you eat your usual amount this just means that more energy will be available to help your body to repair and recover. It also gives your body a chance to replenish its energy stores which will prepare you for exercise again,  next time you do work out. Rest days also give you a chance to focus on other important aspects of your life, that you may not usually have time. Remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health.

The number of rest days a person takes is an individual choice however I think that people should try to rest atleast one day a week. Personally, I find I need atleast 2 rest days per week as I am still very new to working out and I dont want to rush my body into making progress too quickly. I also want to make sure that I am only exercising for the right reasons and that I am not getting addicted to exercise, as I know that this sometimes does happen post anorexia recovery.

Getting anorexic thoughts more often

I am still feeling much better and no longer consider myself to be 'suffering' from an eating disorder anymore, however I admit I still do get anorexic thoughts sometimes. Lately, I feel as though I have been getting more and more of these anorexic thoughts regarding eating and exercise and the only explanation I can think of is that it is due to the few kilos I have accidentally lost over the last month or so.

I really didnt mean to lose this weight however it just seemed to happen as my eating routine was changed quite a bit when I moved  to Launceston. I also wasnt keeping a check on my weight as I was before I moved so had no idea I was actually losing weight. I suppose that this just goes to show how sensitive my body still is to change and that I really do need to make an extra special effort to ensure that I am giving my body the energy it needs.

Obviously my weight has fallen slightly below my healthy natural set point weight, which has caused me to have more unhealthy thoughts. Most likely due to my brain chemistry not being as stable as it was when I was a few kilos heavier. The types of thoughts I have been having have not been about wanting to lose weight or be smaller than I already am. They have more been about being frightened I am eating too much or not exercising enough, which will lead to weight gain.

I have been trying my best to challenge these thoughts and am trying to do the opposite of what they tell me to do but it is proving to be quite difficult. I know in my heart that I need to change something, as otherwise I can see things spiralling out of control and I really dont want to risk having a relapse. I know that I really am yhe luckiest girl in the world to have found my wonderful boyfriend and I love my life so much, I really dont want anything to ruin that.

So I think that my best option is to try and regain the weight I have recently lost. This will hopefully get me back to my healthy set point (the weight where I am able to think most rationally and healthily). This will also mean that I will be doing exactly what my anorexic thoughts arent telling me to do, which I know from experience will make me stronger again and my anorexia weaker again. I dont expect this is going to be easy however I have done it once, so I know I can do it again! I am strong enough to do this!

Afterall, even though gaining weight seems a little scary, I  was perfectly happy with my weight before I lost weight, so there is no reason why I cant be perfectly happy at that weight again.

Still anorexic or just a normal girl?

Sometimes its hard to know if certain thoughts you may have are eating disordered thoughts, or if they are just a part of being a normal girl. I have always said that I won't consider myself to be fully recovered until I no longer get any eating disorder thoughts, however having occasional worries about food of your weight is quite normal for most people and I think that expecting to never have any If these thoughts is not a reasonable expectation.

For example It is a bit frustrasting that if my best friend says her bum looks big in whatever she is wearing, it is ok but if I say the same thing, people think I am being anorexic. I guess what I am trying to say is that I DO believe making a full recovery is possible, but at the same time I expect I will always have a few eating disorder like thoughts because that is just normal for all girls and probably guys too.

If you ask any normal girl if they want to gain weight, I guarantee most of them willsay no. This doesnt make them anorexic, it is quickly accepted. So is it really that unhealthy for me to say I dont want to gain a lot more weight either because I currently like my body the way it is? Also even though I still worry I have over eaten sometimes, I worry a lot less then I did before I ever developed anorexia. My relationship with food is definetely the best it has been since I was a child, but still I am not considered to be fully recovered.

I guess its not something I should worry about, afterall worrying wont get me anywhere. I guess I just need to keep going as I am and hope that I continue to improve. If my thoughts were to remain the same as they are now for the rest of my life though, I would be ok with that too. My eating disorder no longer interferes with my life and I feel healthy and happy so I guess that is what matters most.

For example last weekend I had an amazing weekend and not once did my eating disorder interfere with that. I ate out, ate junk food, drank a lot, wore bikinis, exercised less and didn't let myself compensate for doing all those things afterwards. I just continued to get on with my life like a normal person would after a wonderful weekend. Who knows if I am as recovered as I will ever be or if I still have more progress to be made.

All that matters is that I am happy and making the most of life which I am! What about you? What do you think determines whether you are recovered?

Mental health week

This week, it is mental health week so I wanted to share this fantastic video with you all that highlights the importance of ending the stigma associated with mental illnesses. I thought it was a fantastic video and I hope you all find it as inspiring as I did. I was actually sent this video by email at because it is mental health week which I thought was amazing. Afterall, the current stigma associated with mental illnesses will only end if people are educated about it.

https://youtu.be/SQYNOXXjrxQ

Why I am scared of under-eating

I really enjoyed watching Amy dance tonight although I was also kind of happy when it had all finished so that I could come home to my dog and my nice and warm fire. I had absolutely no appetite what so ever when I got home and the last thing I felt like doing was eating tea but I knew that I should eat anyway so I did.

I don't know when it will be 'safe' for me to start listening to my hunger cues and not eating the exact same amount all the time, no matter how hungry I am feeling, Afterall, if a 'normal' person is not feeling as hungry on any particular occasion, they may not eat as much and that is completely normal and nothing at all to worry about. But I really dont feel ready to do this yet.

I suppose the thing I am fightened of is under eating, as I know that when I under eat, I am making an opportunity for my anorexia to sneak back in again. After all it is only when I undereat that I stop thinking as rationally and I become more vulunerable to my anorexic thoughts. So perhaps I just need to keep forcing myself to eat the same amount of food until I truly feel as though I am completely recovered.

I do believe that making a full recovery is possible but at the same time, I cant really imagine never having any anorexic thoughts at all. I know that even after I am recovered I may still feel self conscious and bad about myself sometimes as that is just a normal part of being a women but how will I know if it is my anorexia making me feel that way or if it is just normal inscurities that all people experience?

I suppose the most important thing to keep doing, both before and after I make a full recovery is to never act upon any thoughts I have that sound anything at all like anorexic thoughts. And I know that I shouldn't panic if  ever do get the occasional anorexic-like thought as it really can't hurt me as long as I don't act upon it and I just ignore it. I still do believe that if I ignore all my anorexic thoughts for long enough, then eventually my anorexia will get sick of being ignored and leave me alone.

Cheesy spaghetti with mixed vegetables

Gaining weight is essential

When I was underweight, people often said that it was impossible to get better mentally until I firstly got better physically. To be perfectly honest, I was quite reluctant to believe this as I could not see how weighing more would help with what was going on in my head. I didn't understand how gaining weight would magically make my anorexic thoughts go away but that really is what seems to have happened.

Since becoming weight restored I now fully believe this theory that the key to recovery is to eat and gain weight. To me, it seems as though the anorexic part of your brain is most powerful when the rest of the brain is malnourished and weak. And it is not until the rest of your brain gets stronger and repairs whilst you are becoming weight restored that your thoughts get better and healthier.

I know it feels impossible to recover and that you cant ever imagine a time when your anorexic thoughts wont be as strong and loud but I am begging you to trust me and take this chance. Gaining weight IS necessary in order to recover from anorexia. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but sadly, you will not recover otherwise.

I waited around for years in the hope that my anorexia would go away and that my thoughts would get healthier but they never did. Even once I started eating a 'normal' amount, my anorexic thoughts and behaviours didn't get better at all as I was still at a very low weight. It was only once I started eating recovery amounts of food and started gaining weight that I have been able to start getting my life back and moving foward from my eating disorder.

While I may not be fully recovered, I would consider myself to be 80% recovered and I can still feel myself getting better everyday. Without gaining the weight I have, I know that I would still be exactly where I was a year ago, extremely anorexic and extremely unhappy. I know the prospect of gaining weight seems far to painful when your mind is still so unhealthy however you need to remember that as you gain weight, your mind gets better which allows you to accept the weight gain a little more easily.

I found the following article which explains why gaining weight is such an essential part of the recovery process at this website;

'So why the heck do people seem so impervious to the message that without weight restoration you get nothing?  And I do mean nothing: no physical recovery AND no psychological recovery.  Remember: psychological recovery is about the brain.  The brain is an organ of the body; like all other organs it needs fuel to replace broken or used-up cells, and for functioning cells to communicate with each other.  Starvation is as bad for children and for any other living thing.  This takes no great leap of intellect:  you can’t become psychologically normal in a state of malnutrition. You don’t (or shouldn't) need access to all “latest science” to know this.'

Anorexia- An Internal Monster

I really enjoyed reading this work of fiction called 'Internal Monster' and thought you may like to read it too. I found it on the following site. called teen-ink......

There’s something inside of me, hairy and covered in horns, that wants to get out. It’s mutiny of my body and mind. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it back. That scares me, because the minute it gets through, I fall apart at the seams.

I harbor a monster.

Okay, so not a literal monster, but a foe. An equal that I cannot best. It was no weak spot, as it’s weak spot is me.

My monster is anorexia.

Weight problems run in the family, I guess. My mother and father are both obese. My godmother is bulimic. My cousin just got gastric bypass surgery. Worst of all, my twin brother weighs less than me and likes to point it out every chance he can get. It’s not hard to become insecure.

Insecurity is where the monster is born.

Somehow, I used to like the monster. He helped me lose twenty pounds in three weeks. I’d have days when I would eat little more than an apple and drink water. My stomach would growl at night and it gave me a sense of pride. In fact, the more it growled, the better I felt.

Then, the monster became a parasite. He sucked at my conscious, telling me that I was ugly and fat, that I would never be loved. I believed him and wasted away on a pointless dream. I came to realize that I was a worthless human being and would never measure up to anyone else. I thought I would be alone forever.

“You’re a disgusting pig,” the monster would whisper into my mind. “Look at that fat stomach. You’ll never be beautiful. Best not eat anything today.”

The anorexia took a toll on my physical health as well as on my mental health. Obviously, I was severely under weight. Dark circles formed under my eyes and I could barely move my limbs. Walking around between classes at school made me very tired. My grades dropped and my parents punished me for it, not realizing the demon ripping me apart in front of their eyes.

One person finally realized my secret, my hideous side, my monster. My twin saw me crying while standing on the scale.

“Eighty-six pounds, Laura? Eighty-six?! I weigh one hundred thirty-one!” Jason exclaimed, disbelievingly. “Shit, Laura. What happened to you?!”

I couldn’t answer him. The monster told me to remain silent.

“What are you doing to yourself? Did you stop eating?! Are you anorexic, Laura?”

“No,” I murmured, shaking uncontrollably. “I’m just on a d-diet…”

“Oh, shut up. Diet? Bullshit. You need help. I’m telling Mom and Dad!”

“No!” I flung my thin, frail body at him and we tumbled to the ground. “You can’t tell them! You’ll ruin it!”

“Ruin it? Look at you!” He got up and dragged me over to the full length mirror in my closet.

The monster was roaring his dislike at Jason, but Jason couldn’t hear him the way I could. It was absolute torture.

“Look at yourself,” Jason demanded. “What do you see?”

I looked. I saw nothing but horror and imperfection. The monster whispered into my mind. “Why do you even bother? Don’t listen to him. I’m the one who’s right.”

“I can’t look, Jason.”

“Look at yourself and then look at me.”

Jason and I used to look alike, except that he was a boy and I was a girl. We were both light brunettes, we both were tall, and we both were athletic.

Now, we looked nothing alike. He looked tan and strong and healthy. I look pale and ill.

The monster told me to run away from here. I tried my hardest to ignore him. “We’re twins,” I told Jason.

“We were twins, Laura.” He grabbed my cold hand, intertwining the fingers. Jason’s hand felt boiling hot and I grimaced. “We’re not the same as we used to be. You’ve changed for the worst.”

“I’m ugly,” I said simply, and the monster nodded his agreement. A tear ran down my cheek and I turned away. I couldn’t stand for Jason to see me cry.

“Look at me, Laura!” He roughly grabbed my shoulder so that I was facing him. I glanced away. “You’ve become a train wreck because of this eating disorder! You need help!”

I broke.

“No!” I screamed at him. “I can’t! This can’t! Jason! I’m fat! You were always the perfect sibling and I couldn’t measure up to you always!”

Jason’s eyes went as wide as saucepans. “Laura, I’m not perfect. You were always the beautiful child.”

The monster said something to me, but I couldn’t hear. “Beautiful? No…”

“Laura, I was always trying to find ways to be like you. Mom and Dad always liked you more. You got better grades. You were better at soccer. Of course, you’re beautiful.”

And through years of treatment, I became better. The monster was vanquished through a little beacon of hope. Hope known as my brother, Jason and his words, “You’re beautiful.”

Then... Something clicks

It is so hard for me to see some of my readers feeling so helpless and awful with their eating disorders but still not really wanting recovery. I rememeber exactly what it is like to be in this position which makes me even sadder and I hate to think of anyone suffering in that way. I want them so much to realise that they are strong enough to recover and that recovery is worth it however unfortuately, they just don't believe these things.

Everyday I try and remind them of these things though in the hope that it will help them to start wanting recovery. To me, true recovery only really becomes possible when something clicks inside of you. Before this happens, although you may be fed up with being sick and miserable, you don't really want to get better and change your ways either as it just feels too hard and you are not willing to make the changes that recovery requires.

I cant remember exactly what made that thing 'click' inside of me but I think that it happened when I bascally realised that I wanted to be well, so much more then I wanted to be anorexic, even if that meant ganing weight. It is only then that I became willing to do whatever it took in order to recover. After that time, I no longer dreamed of being super skinny as I knew that this would not bring me hapiness in any way.

I honestly do not think a person can recover whilst they still have the goal of losing weight or remaining at a very low weight as they simply will not have the determination to fight their anorexic thoughts. This does not mean that recovery is impossible for a person still experiencing these thoughts however. It just means that they need to try and change their thoughts, before any real recovery progress can be made.

In order to be in the right state of mind for recovery, you really do need to separate yourself from your anorexia. Instead of thinking, 'I want to be skinnier' you need to think 'My anorexia wants me to be skinnier'. You will not be able to fight against your anorexic thoughts if you basically agree with them as your heart simply will not be in recovery.

You need to realise that you can not be happy or healthy whilst you are underweight and that whilst you remain underweight, you are doing damage to your body and preventing in from fuctioning optimally. I know how hard it is for you to start thinking with a recovery mindset but I know that it is possible and this is why I refuse to give up on any of you who are currently going through this.

To some of you I probably sound like a cracked record as I continue to say the same things over and over again but I do this in the hope that one of these days it will help something to click inside of you, which will finally allow you to be ready to recover. If you do not truly want to recover yet, please don't give up. Keep trying to fight your anorexia and please try your hardest to look after yourself as best as you possibly can until you are ready to recover. For me, the terrifying thing is that not everyone has their breakthrough moment before it is too late.

By this I mean that that sadly anorexia kills some people before they realise that recovery is possible and worth it. I think that we all need to remember that this is what our anorexia ultimately wants, it wants us dead. And that is exactly why we cant listen to it and why we must separate ourselves from it. We would not believe anything a serial killer or a murderer told us so why should be listen to anything that our anorexia tells us?

Whilst I was sick, I had heard from various people that recovery would not become possible for me until something clicked inside of me and I started truly wanting recovery. I never really believed this though as i honestly could not even imagine ever feeling or thinking any differently. I guess the point I am trying to prove to ou all through this post is that it is 100% true. Once you realise that your anorexia and being thin is causing you nothing but unhapiness and poor health and that you truly wnt to change, no matter what this may involve doing, recovery finally becomes possible.



 

How to stop thinking about food

Somthing that used to drive me crazy and still drives me crazy to some degree is obsessing over food. When I first started obsessing over food, it was because I was restricting what I ate. Since eating recovery amounts, I dont think about food anywhere near as much as I used to do but I do still think about it more then normal people do whixh I find quite annoying. I guess this is because it has almost become a habit, that I now need to break. I found the following article from this website really interesting and also really helpful.

Are these the thoughts that run through your head? All. Day. Long?

Isn’t it lunch time yet? (at 10:00 am)

What should I make for dinner? (at 3:00 pm after your sweet treat pick-me-up)

Anything healthy in that vending machine?

OMG! I just totally blew my whole day by eating too many calories…

…may as well keep going.

If I get the calorie-free version, I can eat more.

Did I really just eat an entire half of an avocado?!

I want to eat that cookie. I was so good all day. I deserve a treat. It’ll be fine… I’ll just work out longer tomorrow.

It’s the weekend; I deserve another glass of wine.

Bathing Suit!? I really need to cut my calories…

…I’ll start Monday.

Clients often say, “Maya, it’s like you’re in my head!” to which I reply, “Because these used to be my thoughts too.” After uncovering my passion and purpose, I’ve come to learn that I was never alone with these thoughts, that these were the thoughts of millions of other women (and a few men) too. So YES, you are not alone in them and YES there is a way out of the obsessive thinking addiction.

So let’s begin to tackle this mental habit, but first know this:

This is not a subject that can be covered in its entirety with one tiny little blog post. The clients participating in my FREEDOM coaching program, can take over six months to get through this topic. This should give you an idea of the depth of practice required to alter your behaviors permanently.

In the meantime, let’s take a closer look and try to understand this topic a little bit better so you can begin to make some changes in your life NOW.

Thinking about food all of the time is a mental habit. Mental habits are repetitions of thought, meaning thoughts you keep thinking over and over again. In the same way you change a physical habit by first determining an alternative routine, you must first determine the desired alternative thought.

In other words, if you didn’t think about food ALL day long, what would you want to think about instead? What would you prefer to think about instead of the constant barrage of food thoughts? If the thinking about food makes you feel burdened, worrisome or frustrated, what thoughts would make you feel happy, light or peaceful?

Maybe thinking about something you are grateful for.

What about an accomplishment in your life?

Or even focusing on a peaceful or relaxing place like ocean or mountains?

Once you’ve determined the alternative thought you wish to use to replace the old one, you must maintain enough awareness of your thoughts to catch yourself thinking them! Typically, in the beginning, thoughts about food come so often and are so prominent (like any habit) that you only realize they are happening, when you notice how bad they make you feel.

It is entirely possible that just reading this post will help you to be more aware in the coming days.

So when the food thoughts arise and you are conscious of them, do this:

1. Pause for a moment.

2. Close your eyes.

3. Take three breaths, inhaling and exhaling deeply, breathing from your belly.

4. Repeat these words to yourself, “I am calm. Everything is OK in this moment.”You can say it silently to yourself or out loud.

5. Continue by recalling your desired, alternate thought to mind. Hold that thought for as long as it is comfortable, peaceful and relaxing.

Repeat this as often as needed for one week. Practice focusing on your new thought and note the changes to your thought patterns and subsequent emotions along the way. In the same you practice a new habit of meal planning or exercising, you are practicing a new thought habit. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Falling into anorexia's trap

It scares the absolute hell out of me, just how easy it is to fall back into anorexia's trap, without even realising it. The thing is, no matter how hard you try not to, relapsing or even just moving backwards a little in your recovery can happen to anyone, without you even realising it.

Over the last few days, I have come to the realisation that in a way, this has in fact appened to me. Fortunately I have realised that my anorexia was starting to control me a little more again before it actually caused me to lose any weight or hurt myself in any other way but iit has still been a huge eye opener to me, to see how easily relapse can actually happen.

I never thought that I was at risk of relapsing. I felt as though I was too aware of the warning signs and would never let my anorexia get any worse again but that is exacttly what has happened, ever since I cut my intake down a little and decided to stop trying to gain weight.

All of the things were only tiny, almost unnoticable to most but I can now see how doing those things meant listening to my aorexia, which was giving it strength. I can also see how this could quite easily have gotten out of hand and lead to me relapsing. I am just so grateful that I have realised what was happening, before this happened. Afterall, I have worked way too hard and come too far to throw it all away now.

I think that the reason anorexia started to creep back in is because I decided that I no longer had to gain any more weight, which made me start fearing weight gain once again, just as much as before. This lead to me using my kitchen scals to check the weights of things like muesli bars and fruit and a few times I even weighed out portions of nut butter for my toast.

I can see now how dangerous behaviours like these are whilst in recovery frm an eating disorder however at the time, it didn't feel dangerous. When I asked myself whether  I should weigh the food or not, I ad a voice reply and say that it was completely fine to weigh the food, afterall it was only a one off thing. Now I can see, plain as fday that it was my aorexias voice telling me that and not my own.

Before I cut my intake down and I was trying tto gain weight, I was not as compelled to know exactely how many calories I was eating as I knew that if i did by ny chance eat a little extra, this would only lead to the tiniest bit of weight gain, if any at all and that it was ok as that is what I was trying to achieve anyway. But once I stopped trying to gain weight, I started fearing eating too much again and I also stared fearing weight gain.

Also, I have found that since I have started exercising more most days, I am feeling more compelled to exercise more naad more. I feel guilty if I dont get for a long walk and I have also started taking more notice if my 'daily steps' counter on my phone. I never actually put this counter on my phone, it was just there when I got it but in the last few days, I have decided that I need to turn it off.

At first I actually found this little app quite interesting and it wasn't harmful as I didn't actually really care how many steps I took each day. But since I stopped restricting my exercise as much, I have started to feel guilty if I do not reach my usual amount of steps on any one day. This lead to me going for longer walks then I necessarily felt like some afteroons, just so tthat I could reach that articular number of steps.

Once again, at the time I didn't actually rrecognise the fact that this was actually me listening to my anorexia but now Ican see it. Yesterday morning as I was planning out my day, I realised that I would only havee enough time to take Tess for one big walk. Thoughts started to appear in my mind about whether or not I should compensate for this by eating less, or whether I should go for an extra long walk that morning.

I am so glad that I recognised that it was my anorexia making me think those things and that I therefore needed to take action and fight it. I decided to take Tess only for a very short walk yesterday morning and reiminded myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with exercising less, or even not at all some days. Healthy exercise is not about reaching any silly goals like calories burned or steps taken, it is about exercising as much as you enjoy on any partcular occasion.

In a way, I am actually glad that this has happened as it is the exact wake up call that I needed. Even though I thought I already knew it, this has actually shown me that recovery does not stop once you reach a healthy weight. In order to make a full recovery, you need to keep fighting your thoughts and challenging yourself, even after you have reached a healthy weight.

My goal always has been to reach my natural setpoint weight so I should not stop myself from gaining any more weight if that is what my body wants to do. This just indicates that I have not yet quite reached my natural set point weight. I think I have made myself an easy target for over the last few weeks as I made the mistake of letting my guard down when I thought I had reached a healthy weight.

Now I know how easily letting your anorexia back in can be I am not going to make the same mistakes again. I have decided that my intake is going to be a daily bare minimum and that if I ever feel like extra food, I am going to eat it as that is exactly what my anorexia doesn't want me to do. I also feel as though this is a good step to take to prepare myself for eating intuitively in the future and for reaching my natural set point weight, if I have not already reached it.

I have also taken it upon myself to turn off my step counter on my phone and to take a step back when it comes to exercise. It is not healthy to feel guilty for not exercising as much which is exactly why I need to face this fear and not exercise as much, if at all some days. f I ever feel as though I am not motivated to exercise or am not enjoying it, I will simply stop and I will refuse to listen to that voice in my head, telling me to go further or faster.

My eating disorder at the moment

I have mentioned in various posts over the last few weeks about my current recovery plans but I thought it would be a good idea just to write a master post about exactly where I am at in regards to my anorexia and my recovery. After reaching a healthy weight I decided to reduce my intake from 3200 calories to 2500. I did not do this over a single day but instead I did it quite gradually, over a week or so.

I did not only reduce my intake because I had exceeded the goal weight my doctor had set me, but also because I felt as though I really didnt need all of the food I was eating anymore. I knew that I was eating far more then my body actually needed which led to me losing my appetite and becoming completely uninterested in food which is quite unusual for me.

My body shape had returned to what it was prior to me developing anorexia and I was still relatively comfortable (as comfortable as someone with anorexia could be) with my body. Since I was still reasonabely comfortable with how I looked and I was a healthy weight, I did not want to gain too much more weight as I knew that this would only make accepting myself even more diffcult and this could lead to me relapsing.

Since reducing my intake and also increasing my exercise a little, I have mangaged to maintain my weight which is what I was aiming to do. I am confident that I made the right choice to decrease my intake as I am still feeling great. I am full of energy and have a healtthy appetite once again. I have also noticed that my sensitivity to the cold has not returned which makes mre think that I am still eating enough.

You must rememeber that everyone is different and that each individual requires different amounts of food, depending upon who they are and where they are at in their recoveries. For example even though some people consider 2500 calories to be a recovery intake, for me this is a maintenence intake. Some people may consider this to be quite a high maintenence intake however I feel as though it is exactly what my body needs in order to function efficiently.

Now that I have got my body to a relatively healthy state, I know that it is minly just my mental health that I need to keep working on. While my anorexia is still there and still causes me daily anxiety, I can honestly say that it is getting better everyday. every day is a little bit easier and I can also feel myself getting stronger.  Even though I still get anorexic thoughts, I find it much easier to ignore them now.

I find that I can think so much more rationally now and I suppose that this is because my brain is getting physcally healthier as well as mentally. And while I still get self consious sometimes, it is nowhere near as bad as it was before I developed anorexia. I am much more accepting of my body and also appreciate my body more now, for all of the wonderful things it does for me.

Once I have maintained my weight for a while, the next step for me will be to start trying to eat intuitively. This is something that I am incredibely nervous about as I am worried that I  may eat either too much or too little. Learning to listen to your body after ignoring it for so long is a huge challege but I desperately want to stop counting calories for good, so it is a challenge I am willing to face. Like all of the other challenges I have faced so far in my recovery, I am determined to do whatever it takes in order to overcome it.

I hope that everyone else is doing well in their own recoveries and making progress. Remember that recovery is painful but the only way you will make progress is if you fight through the pain and anxiety. One day it will all be worth it, I promise! <3 xx  

   

When my eating disorder first started to develop.......

I got some really good questions from one of the wonderful girls I regularly email and thought I would answer it in a post, so all of my readers can read about my experience of this. She asked;
'I'm curious how your family reacted when you started to develope your eating disorder. And how you felt in that time? Were you aware of your situation?'

My eating disorder developed over a period of 6 months or so however in this time I did not loose a cosiderable amount of weight so no one really noticed that I was suffering. In this time, I started restricting what I ate more and more and slowly became obsessed with counting calories. I wouldn't let myself eat anything unhealthy and if I ever did eat something unhealthy, I would make myself vomit.

Even though I was eating a lot less and exercising a lot more, it didn't seem to make any difference at all to my weight wich really frustrated me. I suppose that this was just because I was at my natural set point and my body was therefore trying its hardest to maintain that set point. I compared my self and my body to every single person I would meet and became obsessed with food.

Because I was away at boarding school and had access to my own private bathroom, no one ever knew that I would regularly make myself sick. For a while I only did it once a week or even less when I ate something 'really bad' I had forbidden myself to eat like chocolate or dessert. But eventually I felt incredibly guilty for eating anything at all so made myself sick atleast once a day. One day I remember making myself sick after eating some strawberries, because the guilt was too much for me.

At one point my mum knew something was wrong with me as I was extremely sensitive and would burst into tears over almost nothing. Eventually I told her that I had been making myself sick after esting some things but she never did anything. She just told be i should stop and never mentioed it again. I think I told my  mum what was going on as I was scared and felt as though I had lost control so it really hurt when she didn't seem to care or didn't try to help me.

I kept telling myself wach time that I made myself sick that it would be the last time. I neverr thought that I was developing anorexia as I didn't think Iwas 'skinny enough' to be anorexic. Now I realise that anorexia is a mental illness that can happen at any weight. For instance just because I have now reached a healthy weight does not mean that I am no longer suffering from anorexia. I thought that I may have had bulimia at the time my eating disorder was developinng as I wasn't aware that anorexics can sometimes make themselves sick too (purge type anorexia).

Eventually I got so fed up with going to so much effort too lose weight without seeing any results and so I stoppped eating all together. And because I wasn't eating, I obviously wasn't having to make myself sick either. In fact I have never made myself sick ever again. My weight loss was rapid from then. I lost 10 kilograms in only a few weeks and was so weak I had to be put into hospital. In those few weeks leading up to going to hospital, I was at home as it was my school holidays.

I got away with not eating for a couple of days as I just said that I wasn't hungry or that I didn't feel well. I think my parents could see what was unfolding but they soon realised that there was nothing they could really do. I cant remember a lot from this time to be honest but I know that neither of my parents yelled or screamed at me to try and get me to eat. Perhaps they just thought it was a stage I was going through and that I would hopefully snap out of it.

We went on a family trip to Port Arthur and my parents realised then how unwell I was. I refused to eat anthing but steamed vegetables for one meal per day and a piece of fruit. I had hypothermia and had a miserable time away. It was only a couple of days after I got home from tht trip that I was admitted to the childrens ward at the Launceston General hospital, where I would spend the next 6 weeks.

I remember not wanting to go to hospital but at the same time, I didn't really see any other option as I literally couldn't eat. I knew that I was killing myself and that I couldn't survive on what I was eating for very long. I was scared of going to hospital because I knew that I would be forced to gain weight but I was also scared of not going to hospital as I knew that I would eventually die. At the time, both options seemed equally terrifying. But now I am incredibely glad I ended up in hospital and was given another chance at life.

After leaving hospital, my eating disorder got a lot worse before it started to get better but all that maters is that I have got to where I am today in the end. I know that it doesn't matter how long recovery takes me, all that matters is that I recover eventually, and I know that I will.

To the person who asked me these questions, thankyou for giving me a great post topic and I hope I have answered the questions you asked thouroughly :)

Finally, a day off work

I am so happy that I finally have a day off of work! I am feeling completely exhausted after working for the last 10 days straight and feel as though I really need a day of not doing very much at all. Of course I have a little house work and cleaning to catch up on and I would like to bake some Pudding as well but I don't plan to leave home today, besides when I go walking with Tess. I think most of my day will be spent on the couch watching Pretty Little Liars. I am hopng that it wont be too cold so that I can enjoy taking Tess for a nice long walk on the beach.

I am feeling really good after making the few changes I have made and surprsingly I am not missing the extra food I was eating that I am now not eating at all. I suppose this means that I am still providing my body with all the energy that it needs. If I had become extremely hungry all the time I would have suspected that my body still needed the extra food I was eatting so I would have needed to re-increase my calories again but fortunately this has not been the case. I really am starting to feel and look like my old self again which is great.

Something I have noticed since cuting my caloies back a little is that my aorexia has been shouting at me to restrict and weigh my food more again. I dont know if this is actually due to the fact that I am eating a little less now or if it is just coinsidence but whatever the cae may be, I am determined to commpletely ignore my anorexia and do the complete opposite to what it says. I am not fully recovered yet and I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this anorexic voice in my head so the only option is to keep fighting it, until it disssapears for good.

I had a reasonable night sleep las night but Iam still feeling tired so I think I will probably have a sleep at sometime throughout the day as well. Ilove having a little sleep in the middle of the day. I always get sleepy after eating lunch, especially when I am in front of a warm heater so, no doubt Iwill fall asleep then. And hopefullly then I will be able to stay awake tonight to watch Master Chef as it is finals week. Even tthough master chef is only on from 7:30 o about 9::00, I still fall asleep some nights before it finishes as I am so tired.

Tomorrow I am back to work at the bank but then I ave the whole weekend of. It will be the first weekend in a along time that I haven't had Amy for the night too. I absoluttely love Amy coming to stay but it will be nice just to have a little time to myself, to relax and unwind before another busy week of work. No doubt I will still go up and visit my family though. Hopefully my brothers will be home from Hobart so that I can catch up with them as I havent seen them for ages.

 

Challenging negative thoughts

Whether you suffer from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self esteem or all of the above, chances are it is the result of you having irrational negative thougts. In order to overcome these types of illnesses, we need to start challenging these negative thoughts in order for us to change them to more positive ones. I found the following tips from this website very helpful.

Whenever you become aware you’re feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and reflect on your thoughts. Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking.

A good way to test the accuracy of your thoughts might be to ask yourself some challenging question. These questions will help you to check out your self-talk to see whether your current view is reasonable.

Challenging questions

There are four main types of challenging questions to ask yourself:

1. Reality testing

What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

2. Look for alternative explanations

Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
What else could this mean?
If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

3. Putting it in perspective

What is the best thing that could happen?
Is there anything good about this situation?
Will this matter in five years’ time?

4. Using goal-directed thinking

Is this way of thinking helping me to achieve my goals?
What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

Recognising that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating (i.e. it doesn't make you feel good or help you to get what you want) can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective.

Changing the way you think about things may not be easy at first, but with time and practice, you will get better. Try it out - it's worth the effort. Let us know how you go.

Sometimes, everything gets too much

Too say that I am exhausted would be a huge understatement. I think that everything always seems so much worse when you are tired which is probably why everything is gettting to me so much today. Firstly, the person I have been working with at the bank is not being very friendly to me at the moment which has really started to get me down. Everything I do seems to be wrong and she speaks to me awfully mot of the time. I really do not know what to do about this as I honestly think that she just doesn't like me very much and I don't think I can change the way she feels about me. 

We are very different types of people and I think she thinks I am a bit too 'good' all the time. For example I never swear, smoke or drink or anything like that where as she does. We have also grown up in quite different circumstances and have very different ideas and values. I honestly don't judge her for being different to me as I believe everyone has the right to do what they want to do but I do not think she should judge me for being different either. So between that and everything else that has happened over the last few weeks with my mum and family I am feeling really upset and stressed.

When I left work tonight and started the car trip back home, I really felt like cryin about what was going on at work as well as in my family. I am also worried that my dad is upset with me for talking to my mum last week as she has most likely been awful to him ever since. To make things worse, when I pulled into my street tonight I saw my mum pulled over on the side of the road, doing something that made me incredibely angry. If you know about my mum and her problems you can probably guess what she was doing but I was furious as she was about to pick up my little sister who was at my nans house (who lives in the same street as me) and drive her home. 

Putting herself at risk by drving whilst under the influence of alcohol is one thing but to put my lttle sister Amy at risk too is not ok. So seeing this made me incredibely angry and upset with mum. When I got home I realised that my nan had walked my dog Tess for me which meant that there was no need for me to walk her tonight, except that my anorexia really wanted me to go. As I was feeling so awful about everything I knew that going for a walk would make me feel so much better (well thats what my anorexia told me anyway).

I had decided that I would walk Tess however at the last minute I realised that I shouldn't give into my anorexia, just because I am feeling down. Afterall, recovering from anorexia is about learning to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Honestly, their are two reasonss why I stopped myself from walking Tess. Firstly, because I didn't want to let myself down as I knew that I would feel guilty after going for a walk, as I would know I had given into my anorexia. I also didn't want to let my readers down as I want to show everyone who reads my blog that you shouldn't give into your anorexia, no matter how tough things get.

So I came home and warmed up some tea for myself that I had cooked this morning before work, which was lucky because I really didn't feel like cooking, in fact I didnt even feel like eating. As I ate my tea I felt very anxious and guilty which shows me that my anorexic thoughts and feelings are a lot stronger when I am upset or angry. Straight after tea, instead of coping with these feelings by exercising which is what my anorexia wanted me to do, I went for a shower and then started writing this post. Afterall, writing blog posts about how I am feeling is the best way for me to let go of all of the things that are upsetting me. 

Vegetable stir fry

I feel as though blogging is my therapy, which is great as it is a completely harmless coping mechanism. Even if you dont have a blog, I highly reccommend writing your thoughts down in a diary or even just on a piece of paper. Doing this allows you to express how you are truly feeling and to propery process and organise your thoughts, so that you can understand them better. I know I should be really happy that I have made it to the weekend and can now just relax for two days, however I am really strugging to put all of my worries aside. I am hoping that I wil get a great nights sleep tonight and everything will seem better in the morning.

My anorexia still controls me sometimes

A few nights ago, something happened that made me realise that while I my have learnt to control my anorexic thoughts a lot more now, they are still strong enough to control me sometimes too. I was working quite late at the supermarket and my nan came in and told me that it didn't matter if I didn't have a chance to walk Tess my dog, as she had walked her for me. The first emotion I felt was anger. I obviously didn't want to be rude to me nan so I just said in a half jokingly way "Naaaaan, you shouldn't have done that".

Once my nan left I still felt annoyed about the fact that she had walked Tess for me and considered walking her again anyway. I first put this down to the fact that I am very independant and dont really like other people doing things for me but I knew deep down that there was more to it than that. When I really thought about it, I realised that it was my anorexia that was so incredibely angry that my nan had walked Tess for me, as it meant that I no longer had to do it, meaning I would not get as much exercise for the day.

As soon as I realised that these were anorexic thoughts I was having, I knew that I couldn't listen to them and that I therefore couldn't walk Tess again that night. I then started feeling guilty about how I had spoken to my nan. I wasn't incredibely nasty or anything but I think she would have realised that I wasnt happy that she had walked Tess. When I got home I rang my nan and thanked her for walking Tess for me. I told her that I was very grateful not to have to go back out in the cold again that night and she seemed happy that I had called.

If someone would have asked me before this happened if my anorexia ever still controls the way I act, I probably would have said that it didn't. I would have said that while I still have anorexic thoughts, I do not act upon them. This particular experience showed me that my anorexia still does have the ability to affect my actions however. This tells me that while I am recovering, I still have a lot more progress to make and I still need to be very careful that I do not accidently act at upon my anorexic thoughts. Afterall, acting on these thoughts will only give my anorexia strength and set me back in my recovery.

Sometimes you need to be selfish

After talking to mum for hours today and trying to get her to see that she has so many things to keep fighting for, I finally realised that no matter what I say, I cant help her to get better until she truly wants it and at the moment I really dont think that she does. In that respect it is a lot like anorexia, as you need to want to get better in order to actually find the strength you need to succesfully fight your illness.

When I talked to mum today, I wasn't nasty and I didn't say terrible things, I just told her that she is capable of getting better and that she does have so many wonderful things in her life worth getting better for, I also told her that she cant keep going on the way she currently is as she will end up getting really sick, losing her job or our family will be break up for good. She will lose my dad, the most wonderful man in the world and possibly even my little sister too and through all of that stress, her alcoholism will only get worse.

I have done nothing but think about my mum all day and this has made me incredibly anxious. I rang her this afternoon to check that she was ok but she wasn't very nice on the phone and I could tell she had been drinking. When I got off of the phone I felt physically sick and upset. I now realise that I cant make myself suffer through this any longer as it does have a negative impact on my own recovery.

As hard as it is, I need to be selfish and leave mum to try and get better herself as I cant help her and trying to help her only brings me down. The thing that upsets me the most is the impact that it is having on my little sister and my dad. All I can do is let dad and Amy know that I am always here for them if they ever need me but other than that, I just need to take a step back from my mum and just continue doing what is best for me and my recovery.

Eating tea tonight was incredibely hard as I was feeling upset and angry about what happened with mum today. This showed me just how much of an impact mum and my relationship has on my anorexia and also reminded me of why I failed to make any true progress in my recovery, until I moved out of home. I honestly hope with all my heart that my mum is able to get better but sadly I cant help her without hurting myself. I just hope she decides that she truly wants to get better before it's too lae and everything falls a part.

Sticking to my meal plan

I can honestly say that I have fully followed my meal plan every single day since starting to recover. I think that being able to stick to your recovery meal plan (if you have one) is necessary for a successful recovery. Even if I get really full half way through my meal, I keep eating until I complete the entirety of each meal. I always scrape every bit of food out of my bowl or off of  my plate as by doing this I know that I am beating my anorexia.

I love going to bed each night and thinking about the fact that I have successfully beat my anorexia, once again by eating everything on my meal plan. I also like being able to feel proud of myself, for doing what I know is right for my recovery. No matter what happens at my weekly weigh ins, I never need to feel dissappointed in myself as even if I dont gain enough weight, I know that it is not through anything I have done wrong.

I believe that if I was not able to stick to my meal plan or if I ate less than my calorie target I would be giving into my anorexia and giving it strength. The scary thing about anorexia is that the more you give it, the more it expects. For example if you listen to your anorexia and skip morning tea one day, it will expect you to do the same thing the following day and it will most likely want you to skip another meal too.

To me, following my meal plan is not a matter of choice. I do not think of following my meal plan any differently then I do showering, brushing my teeth or sleeping. It is simply something that I need to do, every single day. I think that anyone can follow their meal plan as well as I do, you just need to try and develop the same mindset about it that I have. Even if you have cheated on your meal plan in the past, it is never to late to stop. If you are able to successfully do this your anorexia will eventually stop trying to convince you to restrict your intake.

I cant remember the last time my anorexia tried to get me to eat less then what is specifed on my meal plan. It still gets angry when I eat, but it doesn't try to get me to eat less as it knows that it is a waste of time, as I simply refuse to do that. I suppose that one of the reasons I am like this is because I am such a perfectionist and once I set my mind to anything, I become obsessed with doing it no matter what.

As soon as I decided once and for all that I wanted to get better and therefore needed to follow my meal plan, I instantly felt as though I had no choice but to do that, no matter how painful it may be. In fact I am actually quite terrified about not being able to follow my meal plan one day, even if it was for a very genuine reason like having gastro.

If your anorexia does try and convince you to cheat on your meal plan, tell yourself the following; 'Following my meal plan, no matter how painful it may be wont kill me, however listening to my anorexia will'. To me, when you put it like this, there really is no choice when it comes to whether you should follow your meal plan or not.
Following meal plan= you getting stronger/anorexia getting weaker= you recovering

Although I always stick to my meal plan, this does not mean that I do not substitute foods for others if I am certain that they contain the same amount of energy as what was on my original meal plan. I cant stress enough how important it is to try and start seeing your meal plan as something you need to follow. I know that I would not be able to recover if I was not able to stick to my meal plan as well as I do. This is the only way you can show your anorexia who is boss and eradicate it, once and for all!