My anorexia still controls me sometimes

A few nights ago, something happened that made me realise that while I my have learnt to control my anorexic thoughts a lot more now, they are still strong enough to control me sometimes too. I was working quite late at the supermarket and my nan came in and told me that it didn't matter if I didn't have a chance to walk Tess my dog, as she had walked her for me. The first emotion I felt was anger. I obviously didn't want to be rude to me nan so I just said in a half jokingly way "Naaaaan, you shouldn't have done that".

Once my nan left I still felt annoyed about the fact that she had walked Tess for me and considered walking her again anyway. I first put this down to the fact that I am very independant and dont really like other people doing things for me but I knew deep down that there was more to it than that. When I really thought about it, I realised that it was my anorexia that was so incredibely angry that my nan had walked Tess for me, as it meant that I no longer had to do it, meaning I would not get as much exercise for the day.

As soon as I realised that these were anorexic thoughts I was having, I knew that I couldn't listen to them and that I therefore couldn't walk Tess again that night. I then started feeling guilty about how I had spoken to my nan. I wasn't incredibely nasty or anything but I think she would have realised that I wasnt happy that she had walked Tess. When I got home I rang my nan and thanked her for walking Tess for me. I told her that I was very grateful not to have to go back out in the cold again that night and she seemed happy that I had called.

If someone would have asked me before this happened if my anorexia ever still controls the way I act, I probably would have said that it didn't. I would have said that while I still have anorexic thoughts, I do not act upon them. This particular experience showed me that my anorexia still does have the ability to affect my actions however. This tells me that while I am recovering, I still have a lot more progress to make and I still need to be very careful that I do not accidently act at upon my anorexic thoughts. Afterall, acting on these thoughts will only give my anorexia strength and set me back in my recovery.