Narcissist parent

My childhood and teenage years weren't exactly easy and I know that what I went through over this time significantly contributed to my low self esteem as well as the development of my anorexia. At the time I had no idea why my mum was treating me the way she was but now I know that she was treating me differently from my siblings because she was in capable of feeling maternal love towards me. I remember balling my eyes out and asking her why she hated me so much and eventually she stopped denying that she hated me and just admitted that she didnt know why she couldnt love me like she did my siblings. Accepting this was hard and to begin with I tortured myself for year's trying to win her love. All I got from her however was more emotional abuse and neglect.

In the early stages of my eating disorder when I had just started making myself vomit after eating sometimes I remember breaking down and telling my mum what I had been doing. I expected her to take me to the doctor or atleast try to help me through it. All she did however was tell me that "you should stop that"andInever heard another word about it again until I was hospitalised about 4 months later. She hever once asked me if I was ok or if I was still practicing that dangerous behaviour. I asked her later about why she didnt do anything when I told her what I had been doing and she told me she was too busy dealing with my little sister to worry about me too. Also, when I was first hospitalised I remember laying in my hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and unable to even walk to the toilet and having my mum call me and growl at me for not taking my text books to hospital with me as I would miss out on studying. She wasnt concerned about the fact that my heart was failing or that I was very sick, all she cared bout was me missing out on school.

These are just a few of the signs that my mum didnt have normal maternal feelings towards me. She was also very jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and she felt incredibly threatened if ever my younger sister looked up to me as a mother figure also. Mum was an alcoholic so whenever she got drunk, her true loathing for me really came out. Atleast while she was sober she could try and hide the fact that she didnt care about me the way she did about my 2 brothers and sister.

The reason I am writing this post today is to reach out to anyone else who my have a narcissistic parent. In order for me to recover, I had to cut myself off from my mother all together and had to stop trying to get her to love me the way I always wanted her too. I highly recommend you try to cut your parent off too, if they are a narcissist, or atleast stop trying to win their love. The truth is, your narcissistic parent can not love you unless you are their 'golden child' and as long as you try to get them to, you are only torturing yourself. I have accepted I will never have a mum and that is completely ok. I have so many other wonderful people in my life so I really dont need her, one little bit! And oneday I hope to have a daughter so I can have the mother daughter relationship with her that I never got to have with my own mum.

21 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (Be Concerned if She Has Many of Them)

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-have-a-narcissistic-mother-21-signs-of-a-narcissistic-mother/

• 1. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This is a defining feature of narcissism. She will steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion if someone else is the center of attention.

• 2. She demeans, criticizes and makes derogatory remarks to you. She always lets you know that she thinks less of you than your siblings or other people.

• 3. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. There is no privacy in your bathroom or bedroom; she regularly goes through your things to find information she then uses against you.
• 4. She ‘favoritizes’. Narcissistic mothers often have one child who is “the golden child” and another who is the scapegoat.
• 5. She undermines She will pick a fight with you or be especially critical and unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort.
• 6. Everything she does is ‘deniable’. Cruelties are couched in loving terms; aggressive acts are paraded as thoughtfulness.
• 7. She makes YOU look crazy. When you confront her with something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (common phrase that abusers use to invalidate your experience of their abuse) or that she has “no idea what you are talking about”.
• 8. She’s jealous. If you get something nice, she’ll take it from you, spoil it for you or get something the same or better for herself.
• 9. She’s a continuous liar. To you, she lies blatantly. To outsiders, she lies thoughtfully and in ways that can always be covered up.
• 10. She manipulates your emotions in order to “feed on your pain”. This behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that they are often referred to as “emotional vampires”.
• 11. She is selfish and willful. She makes sure SHE has the best of everything and always has to have her way.
• 12. She is self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are Very Important and yours are irrelevant or insignificant.
• 13. She is almost absurdly defensive and extremely sensitive to criticism.
• 14. She terrorized you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their wrath. If you give her everything she wants, you might be spared; but if you don’t-the punishments WILL come.
• 15. She’s childish and petty; “getting even” with you is important to her.
• 16. She is aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She won’t take no for an answer-she will push, arm-twist, or otherwise manipulate or abuse you until you give in.
• 17. She “parentifies”. She sheds her parental responsibilities to the child as soon as she is able.
• 18. She is exploitive. She will go to any length to get things from others for nothing (work, money, objects)- including taking money out of her children’s account or even stealing their identities.
• 19. She projects. She will put her own poor behavior or character onto you so she can punish you. For example, you refuse an especially outlandish request of hers, she becomes enraged and furious at your refusal, then screams at you, “we’ll talk about it after you’ve calmed down and aren’t hysterical”.
• 20. She is never wrong about anything. She will never, ever genuinely apologize for anything she has done or said.
• 21. She is not aware that other people have feelings. She will occasionally slip up in public, and because of her lack of sympathy, will say something so callous it causes disbelief in people. The absence of empathy is another defining trait of narcissism and underlies most of the other signs that are on this list.

Alcoholic Parent

I certainly do not blame anyone fo my illness but I do believe that having an acoholic mother for the last 10 years has contributed to both my anxiety and anorexia significantly. I found the following article and was shocked to see that I have experienced amost every single 'trait' or feeling that was listed on the page. In fact, I still feel as though my currrent personality is still characterised by all of those things. I suppose the most important this is that I don't allow myself to use these things badly, but insead use them to positively in my life.

My mum has actually stopeed drinking in the last few months whch I am really proud of her for doing. Although it hasn't really changed my life all that much as Ihad moved out anyway, I suppose the reason I am happiest about this is because this will hopefully stop Amy from being hurt as I was, which will hopefully ensure that she never develops an eating disorder or any other illness either. Also, I am glad that my dad no longer has to put up with my mum being drunk all the timme too as she really was awful wheneer she was drinking (which was all the time).

While I am not going to share the entire article with you, as you may not be intereste din it if you do not have an alcoholic parent, I will share with you a list of the typical characteristics of children of alcoholics and also the link to the artilcle (http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionAlcoholChild.htm). Other traits that were mentioned in he article htat were not included in the following list which I could relate too were always beinng very sensible, finding it difficult to have fun and being approval seeking. The article even said that 'anorexia and bulimia are also common amongst cildren of alcoholics.' which I found very interesting. 

Further characteristics:

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;

2. We became approval seekers and lost our own identity in the process;

3. We are frightened by angry people and personal criticism;

4. We either became alcoholics, married them, or found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our need for and expectation of abandonment;

5. We live life from the viewpoint of helping and seeking victims, and we are attracted by that weakness in our relationships;

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than with ourselves;

7. We suffer guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves; instead, we give in to others;

8. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue;

9. We have suppressed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or to honestly express our feelings. Rationalization seems far easier;

10. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. We sometimes compensate for this sense of inferiority by trying to appear superior;

11. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience the pain of abandonment;

12. We became para-alcoholic, taking on the characteristics of alcoholism even though we did not pick up the drink;

13. We became compulsive and obsessive in our behavior;

14. We are unknowingly trying to recreate the chaotic lifestyle with which we are familiar;

15. We are afraid of intimacy and have difficulty forming close intimate relationships;

16. We became aware of feelings which seem to separate us from others, and we find ourselves depressed. Depression is endemic in dysfunctional families

Growing up, I felt incredibely alone when I ad to try and deal with an alcoholic prent by myslef. Please, if you are going through something similar to this and feel as though you need to talk to someone, please feel free to contact me. I would be more then willing to help you through it in any way I possibly can. If you would like to talk to anyone bout this or anything else, my email address is karlygraham94@gmail.com

Sometimes you need to be selfish

After talking to mum for hours today and trying to get her to see that she has so many things to keep fighting for, I finally realised that no matter what I say, I cant help her to get better until she truly wants it and at the moment I really dont think that she does. In that respect it is a lot like anorexia, as you need to want to get better in order to actually find the strength you need to succesfully fight your illness.

When I talked to mum today, I wasn't nasty and I didn't say terrible things, I just told her that she is capable of getting better and that she does have so many wonderful things in her life worth getting better for, I also told her that she cant keep going on the way she currently is as she will end up getting really sick, losing her job or our family will be break up for good. She will lose my dad, the most wonderful man in the world and possibly even my little sister too and through all of that stress, her alcoholism will only get worse.

I have done nothing but think about my mum all day and this has made me incredibly anxious. I rang her this afternoon to check that she was ok but she wasn't very nice on the phone and I could tell she had been drinking. When I got off of the phone I felt physically sick and upset. I now realise that I cant make myself suffer through this any longer as it does have a negative impact on my own recovery.

As hard as it is, I need to be selfish and leave mum to try and get better herself as I cant help her and trying to help her only brings me down. The thing that upsets me the most is the impact that it is having on my little sister and my dad. All I can do is let dad and Amy know that I am always here for them if they ever need me but other than that, I just need to take a step back from my mum and just continue doing what is best for me and my recovery.

Eating tea tonight was incredibely hard as I was feeling upset and angry about what happened with mum today. This showed me just how much of an impact mum and my relationship has on my anorexia and also reminded me of why I failed to make any true progress in my recovery, until I moved out of home. I honestly hope with all my heart that my mum is able to get better but sadly I cant help her without hurting myself. I just hope she decides that she truly wants to get better before it's too lae and everything falls a part.

You never know what others are going through

Today I was having a conversation with my mum about how we need to stand up and fight our illnesses, in order to overcome them. I tried to explain to her that while it may seem impossible to get better,  it is always possible to push through the pain, no matter hard it may seem. What she then said really shocked and angered me. She said; 'Are you trying to compare overcoming anorexia to overcoming alcoholism? Because I have recovered from Anorexia and it was nothing compared to what I am going through.'  

Now I may be being the judgemental one but for my mum too make this statement, makes me think that she never actually had anorexia, or if she did it wasn't anywhere near as severe as mine. I believe that anyone who says that an eating disorder is easy to overcome, hasn't really had one (or a serious one anyway). There reallly is nothing at all easy about overcoming anorexia and for her to say that it was easy made me angry as it made it sound as though everything I have achieved is not an achievement at all. The progress I have made so far in my recovery is the most painful thing I have ever done in my life and it really hurt to hear her say this.

My mum has spoken a bit in the past about how she had some issues with food in her teenage years and that she was quite thin however I know for a fact she was never classified as underweight. She also said that she never counted calories or anything like that. I know that she dieted and even made herself sick after eating some foods. But she says that she basically just snapped out of it and that it didn't control her life anywhere near as badly as my anorexia has mine. I may be wrong but I rreally dont think you can just 'snap out' of an eating disorder. 

I am not saying that my mum had a completely normal relationship with food as she obviously didn't but I do not think she is in any position to compare what she went through to what I am going through, especially considering she was never even diagnosed with anorexia. I would say that my mum certainly had disordered eating and I would even say that she took dieting to the extreme but I am not convinced that she had anorexia as if she did she would have been able to understand what I was going through all of these years, but she never has. 

My mum has been the least understanding person of all when it has come to my anorexia and I think in a way it is because of these issues she has had herself with food. From what my mum has told me, I think te difference between what I have gone through as far as my eatting disorder and what she went through in regards to food is that she never lost all control. She wanted to be thin and took her dieting to an extreme but she never lost total control like I did with my anorexia.

All the way through my illness my mum has acted as if anorexia is something that I have chosen and that I can choose to let go of it whenever I want too but this certainly is not the case, as all of you who have sufferered from anorexia would understand. If my mum did have anorexia when she was younger, wouldn't she be able to understand this too? I have always hated the way my mum has always made recovering from anorexia sound like such an easy thing, but I know that I really should not worry about what she thinks or waste my time trying to convince her otherwise.

I know that what she is trying to overcome herself is terribly hard but I do not think either of us are in the position to say that either overcoming anorexia or alcoholism is harder and at the end of the day who reaally cares. It is not like our illnesses are something we should be competitively comparing. No two people ever have the exact same experience of an addiction or mental illness and we should therefore never judge others or presume that we know exactly what others are going through because this is something that we will never know. 

All I do know is that anything like alcoholism or anorexia can eventually be overcome. No matter how badly someone is suffering with an illness there is always hope. In order to get better in both instances the sufferer needs to believe that recovery is possible and believe in themselves. They also need to want to get better, more then anything else in the world.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent

While everything I have ever written on my blog is absolutely true, there is a part of my life that I have not shared with you all up until now. I have not felt comfortable talking about this particular issue on my blog before but now I feel as though I need to in order to be able to fully express my thoughts and feelings. Afterall, one of the main reasons I started my blog was so that I could let everything out that I have had to bottle up for years.

For the last decade or so my mum has been an Alcoholic which has put a huge strain on our entire family. I was probably 11 or 12 when I started to realise that mum drank a lot and while I didnt like her drinking all the time, it didnt bother me that much as she was still a really good mum. In 2007 I went on a one month roadtrip around Australia with my family and I noticed that mum and dad drank every single night we were away. Dad would have a few beers after a long hot day driving and mum would drink too. When we got back from our holiday, dad stopped drinking but mum didn't and I honestly dont know if she has had a single day since then that she hasnt had a drink.

As I got older I needed mum more then I ever had before but I didnt feel as though she was there for me. Usually she had already started drinking by the time I got home from school each day and it was impossible to have a conversation with her that actually made sence or that she would remember the next day. She became very defensive and secretive about her drinking so we never actually saw her drinking but we could tell by her behaviour that she had been and we could also smell it on her breath. My mum wouldnt get as drunk during the week but she would still drink enough so that she was nasty and argumentative. She would get very drunk every weekend which made me embarrassed to have friends over as I knew they would be able to tell. My mum would also be the drunkest person at every party or family get together we ever went to which was also very embarrasing. She would drink so much that she would be unable to stand up straight or even walk.

The relationship between mum and I has been strained ever since she has been an alcoholic. I remember arguing with mum so much, usually while she was drunk begging her to stop drinking but she never did. So many times she made the promise to me that she would stop drinking but it never lasted. Sure enough the next day she would always be back drinking as usual. This broke my heart time and time again as I honestly felt as though my mum was choosing alcohol over me and my family. She knew how much pain she was causing us but all that mattered to her was drinking. Something that also hurt me a lot was all of the lying. I cant forget all the times that my mum has looked me in the eye and sworn on my own life that she hadnt been drinking when I knew for a fact that she had. How was I supposed to respect and look up to someone who I couldnt trust at all.

While I dont blame my mum for my eating disorder, I do believe that her alcoholism contributed to it. As we are all aware, anorexia generally develops when an individual feels as though they have no control. My mums alcoholism is something that made me feel incredibely anxious over the years and is something I always felt was completely out of my control. I couldnt fix my mum like I wanted to and being the perfectionist I was, I couldn't handle this. I hope one day I will be able to have a better relationship with my mum but sadly I dont think that this is possible while she is still drinking. I have tried to help her to stop drinking but it is almost as if she doesnt have the strength to not drink and therefore just gives in everytime she gets a craving. I feel sorry for mum as I know that it is hard to overcome an addiction, just as it is to overcome a mental illness like anorexia but she needs to want to get better. She needs to be willing to push herself through a little pain to beat her addiction and at the moment, she just isnt willing to do that.