I honestly dont really know how my weight gain makes me feel. Sometimes I feel both happy and disapointed all at the same time when I see I have gained weight. Similarily, sometimes I feel as though gaining weight is getting easier, the closer to becoming weight restored I get and other times I feel as though it is getting much harder.
Reasons I feel happy about gaining weight
Every time I see that I have gained weight, the real me is happy as Iknow that this means that I am getting closer to being weight restored and making a full recovery. Seeing that I have gained weight tells me that I have been successful in fighting my anorexia over that week and it is always a relief, knowiing that I do not have to increase my calorie intake any further.
Reasons I feel upset about gaining weight
When I step on the scales and see that I have gained weight, the anorexic part of me gets really unhappy and angry. Even the rational part of me gets upset as I know that any weight gain will act as fuel to the fire of my anorexia. Suddenly my anorexia has something to punish me for and I know tha tmy anorexia will use my weight gain to make me feel awful and guilty, whatever chance it gets.
Why it feels like gaining weight is getting harder
Obviously the closer I get to becoming weight restored, the more often I see differences in my body which can make me feel self conscoius and anxious. After being far to thin for so long, I have gotten so used to seeing myself tiny. So the closer I get to a healthy weight, the harder it is to continue gaining weight as I feel as though I have already gained enough (even though I know that deep down this is not the case).
Why it feels like gaining weight is getting easier
Like many things in recovery, the more you do something (like gain weight), the easier it seems. While the thought of gaining weight was more scary to me once than dying was, now I am much more comfortable about gaining weight and feel as though Ican deal with it quite well. The more progress I make in my recovery and the more weight I gain, the healthier my mind gets. As my mind gets healthier, my anorexic thought are no where near as overpowering and I can therfore cope better when my anorexia is angered by any weight gain I have had.
I think that one of the things that makes recovery so confusing is that there are literally two voices in our heads. There is a rational voice (or real voice) and there is our anorexic voice. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that we cant always determine which thoughts belong to us and which ones belong to our anorexia. Even though my anorexia still gets very angry sometimes and makes me feel guilt and anxius, I know that it is no where near as strong as it was when I was at my sickest and this has only come through fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter how painful it proved to be.
I remember writing something in my diary when I was in hospital that went something like this;
"It is so hard not to listen to something that is promising to make you beautiful, skinny and happy, especially when you feel so ugly, fat and disgusting."
No matter what my anorexia tries to tell me, I always try and focus as much of my attention as possible on what the real me is thinking. I know how hard it is to ignore your anorexic thoughts, when you are really sick as they can be incredibely convincing but you must try your hardest not to listen to them. If your anorexia is incredibely strong and you think that all of your thoughts are anorexic ones, perhaps you should stop listening to any of your thoughts at all for a while and just leave your recovery decisions in the hands of somebody else.
So if you are feeling confused about your thoughts, try not to worry about this as it is to be expected. You will most likely continue to have mixed feeling about everything until you make a full recovery and get rid of your anorexic thoughts once and for all.
I think that one of the things that makes recovery so confusing is that there are literally two voices in our heads. There is a rational voice (or real voice) and there is our anorexic voice. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that we cant always determine which thoughts belong to us and which ones belong to our anorexia. Even though my anorexia still gets very angry sometimes and makes me feel guilt and anxius, I know that it is no where near as strong as it was when I was at my sickest and this has only come through fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter how painful it proved to be.
I remember writing something in my diary when I was in hospital that went something like this;
"It is so hard not to listen to something that is promising to make you beautiful, skinny and happy, especially when you feel so ugly, fat and disgusting."
No matter what my anorexia tries to tell me, I always try and focus as much of my attention as possible on what the real me is thinking. I know how hard it is to ignore your anorexic thoughts, when you are really sick as they can be incredibely convincing but you must try your hardest not to listen to them. If your anorexia is incredibely strong and you think that all of your thoughts are anorexic ones, perhaps you should stop listening to any of your thoughts at all for a while and just leave your recovery decisions in the hands of somebody else.
So if you are feeling confused about your thoughts, try not to worry about this as it is to be expected. You will most likely continue to have mixed feeling about everything until you make a full recovery and get rid of your anorexic thoughts once and for all.
