Catching up with an old friend

Tonight I met up with one of my old friends and went out for tea with her. Growing up Grace and I were inseparable. We spent all week at school together as well as most weekends and school holidays. We always had the same interests and loved one anothers company. My great friendship with Grace is one of the many things that I lost through having anorexia.While we didnt see each other or communicate often enough, I never stopped considering her as my best friend. Growing up Grace was truly like a sister to me and when you love someone that much, you dont just stop loving them, no matter what happens.

When I got sick, Grace and I became more distant. We lived over an hour away from one another but still made an effort to communicate via text messaging. Over the past 2 years or so we have probably met up 5 or 6 times but each time we met things were not the way they had always been between us. It was obvious that we both felt a little uncomfortable and we found it hard to find things to talk about, it was as if we had become strangers. Tonight however it was as if I had never been sick. We instantly started chatting as soon as we saw each other and continued chatting for the three hours we were together. Not once did I feel as though I didnt know what to say and things felt completely back to normal between us.

I can understand why Grace and I became disconnected when I got sick. Not only did she not know how to deal with me being sick, but I also know that I was not truly myself when I was sick. I was no longer the bubbly and happy girl that Grace had grown up with, I had changed. While I did not realise it at the time, I can now see that I was a completely different person when I was consumed by my illness and this must have been really hard for Grace. I think that the reason Grace and I got along so well tonight is because I am back to my old self again, and this is due to me starting my recovery journey and by no longer letting my anorexia control everything I do. Now that I am recovering, I can see just how important special friendships like the one I share with Grace are and I am extremely grateful that things seem to be getting better between us again.

day 11: What motivated you to enter recovery?

I feel as though I have allready spoken a lot about who and what has motivated me to recover so I will just list my main motivators and give a single sentence or two explaing why they have been motivational to me to enter recovery. I will also provide the link to the posts that I have already written which are relevant.

I was tired of hurting the people I love like my dad and my sister and couldnt bare to continue hurting them. I wanted to recover to pro e to them just how much I loved them. You can read more about this in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-4-have-you-emotionally-harmed.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/hello-im-karlys-sister-amy-and-i-wanted.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/saturday-update-todays-meals.html

Reading posts from people who had successfully recovered made me realise that recovery was possible and reading posts from people who were still trying to recover, motivated me to be brave enough to start recovering myself. You can read more about these motivators in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-9-who-do-you-look-up-to-why.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/waking-up-feeling-positive-and-motivated.html

I knew exactely how hard it was to try to fight an eating disorder and wanted to try and help others trying to do the same. I knew that I could only help others if I helped myself first. You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/what-blogging-means-to-me.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-5-how-do-you-want-to-be-remembered.html

Deciding that I wanted to truly live my life and not just survive was a big motivator for me to start recovery as well. Eventually I realised that I did deserve to recover and live a healthy and happy life.You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;
http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com/2015/05/dealing-with-weight-gain.html

I wanted to start looking after my body and start treating it with the respect it deserved. I also dreamt of having children and a husband one day and knew that this would only happen if I recovered. You can read more about this motivator in the following posts;

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/food-is-my-medicine.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/day-7-what-are-two-things-you-want-what.html

http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/while-recovering-you-cant-eat-like.html

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

I try my hardest not to dwell on the past but something I do feel very guilty about is the way I have hurt my dad through my illness. I was never mean to him and we never fought whilst I was sick but I know that I was still breaking his heart by starving myself. He could see that I was slowly killing myself and I can only imagine how awful it would have been for him.

While I was not particularly close to my dad when I was really little, ever since I was about 12 we have had a wonderful relationship. The more I grew away from my mum as I got older, the closer I got to my dad. I would spend hours and hours out on the farm with my dad and we would talk about everything. I am very proud of the fact that out of all of my siblings, I am the most like my dad. Not only do I look like him but our personalities are also very similar which probably explains why we connect so well.

My dad is the one person I have always felt as though I could be completely honest with. I dont know where I would be today if it wasnt for the support my dad has given me. He has been my rock through some very difficult times in my life. Even though my dad and mum are still together, my dad never got mad at me for going to him when I was having problems with my mum. I know that this could have put him in a difficult situation at times but he never complained and listened to every word I ever had to say with zero judgement.

My dad has not only listened to me about my problems over the years, but I  have listened to his too. I know if dad ever needs to talk to someone he will come to me and ask if I want to go for a drive out on the farm where he would get everything off of his chest. At first, I found it a little hard that dad was relying on me so much as someone to talk to as it was a lot for a little girl to deal with. Now however I love the fact that he needs me too as it makes me feel needed.




Words honestly cant explain how much I love my dad. Dad dealt with my anorexia in the best way I could have possibely hoped for. Dad realised early on that I wouldn't get better until I truly wanted to and that he couldn't make it happen for me. Dad never got angry with me and never yelled or screamed at me but I could tell how much he was hurting every time he saw me skip a meal or caught me secretly exercising. The hurt I saw in his eyes did more to help me want to recover than yelling or screaming would have anyway. I will never know how dad managed to stay so patient with me but I do no it myst have taken every fibre of strengtg he had. My dad was the main reason I wanted to recover in the very first place as I realised how much I was hurting him and I couldn't bare it anymore.

I know I mentioned that my dad would sometimes jokingly tease me about my weight before I got sick in a past post but you should also know that he is the only person who has ever made me feel special. He constantly would tell me how beautiful and gorgeous I was and although I didn't really believe him, it still made me feel good about myself. If he ever heard me say I was fat he would instantly argue and tell me I was perfect. When I lost lots of weight, while my dad still reminded me constantly of how much he loved me, he stopped calling me gorgeous. This also helped me to want recovery as it allowed me to see that becoming so thin hadn't made me more beautiful at all, so there was no point in looking that way.

Even now one of my motivators to get better and restore my weight is that I want my dad to look at me again one day and tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and for him to really mean it. I have never seen a daughter and dad as close as we are and I will be forever grateful for having the special bond that we share.



I know it is important to forgive myself for hurting my dad as he wouldnt want me to feel guilty and for it to hold me back in my recovery. Instead of dwelling on the fact I have caused my dad pain, I will use it to motivate me in my recovery. Afterall, making a full recovery is the best way I can make up for all the hurt I have caused him and show him just how much I love him.