Unsupportive family

While I was living at home, not everyone was always supportive of me which made my illness 1000x worse. I know that these people were only trying to help me because they couldn't bare to see what I was doing to myself (or what anorexia was doing to me) but it still caused me a lot of pain. Recovery was almost impossible for me whilst I was living at home as some members of my family made me feel so terrible about myself. I tried to talk to them about how they were making me feel but there eally was no use, they refused to talk about it. Since I have moved out of that unsupportive environment I have been able to make a lot of progress in my recovery.

If you have people around you that are not being supportive, my first suggestion is to try and talk them. If they are reasonable people they shouldnt mind you approaching them and they should appreciate your honesty. Tell them that you want to recover but what is going on at home is making it harder for you to do this. I have found some great advice on how to help loved ones in recovery. If you think it may help, print it out and give it to your family/friends to read. Afterall, your loved ones most likely want to help you, they just might not know how exactly to do this.

If your loved ones still do not listen to you or accept the advice, dont take it personally. This just means that they most likely cant control their emotions they are feeling about you and your eating disorder. If this is the case, all I can suggest is that you ignore what they say and do the best you possibely can. Dont try and talk to them about your illness if you think it may just end in an arguement or something hurtful being said. Instead find someone else to talk to who has a better understanding. Finally, if you really do find it too difficult living or associating with unsupportive people you may find that you need to move out of home or stop spending time with them. I know that this sounds drastic but if it means you are able to recover, it is well worth it!

Five Ways to Support a Loved One in 

Eating Disorder Recovery

November 1, 2012 By Sharon

By Melissa A. Fabello

Eating disorder recovery – defined in simplest terms as a remission from disordered eating behavior with the goal of becoming healthy again – can sometimes feel like a delicate balance for those in the process. Constantly surrounded by the very substance that threatens a relapse into disordered behavior, some people in recovery from an eating disorder (ED) are similar to sober alcoholics: stuck in a world where their hazardous behavior could easily be reestablished in a matter of moments. The need, then, to keep up constant strength against dangerously negative thoughts and actions can be exhausting, and one lapse in judgment can be disastrous. For this reason, a supportive environment is essential for anyone on the road to recovery.

But where do I start? How do you begin to establish a safe space for your loved one? This guide (which, in its original, longer form can be found here) is meant to be an initial resource. Although I hope that those of you with eating disorders find comfort in this article (and openly pass it on to your support systems), this is not an article for people in recovery. Rather, it’s been written specifically for those of you who need a place to start, who are saying, “I know that my friend or family member has a history with an eating disorder. Now what?”

1. Educate yourself. Before proceeding in supporting a loved one in need, it’s important that you check your biases and misconceptions at the door. Do your research by reading a book, watching a documentary, or looking into the published personal stories of people who have struggled with eating disorders. Brave Girl Eating (2010) by Harriet Brown and Wintergirls (2010) by Laurie Halse Anderson are my personal favorite ED-related books, and the documentary THIN (2006) serves as a fair exploration into residential rehabilitation facilities. If you want, you can also look into pro-ana and pro-mia websites, but do so with proper intent and at your own discretion. Remember that your loved one does not have to be your first point-of-contact for information on what it’s like to experience an eating disorder or eating disorder recovery; there are thousands of resources available to you that can be found with a quick Google search. A little bit of effort in the way of education can go a long way in preparing you to take the right steps.

2. Be a good communicator. Be a presence in your loved one’s life, but not a pressure. Listen if s/he wants to talk, but don’t force it. Try not to be critical or judgmental of what your loved one tells you, even if it’s hard for you to hide your initial reactions. Count to five (or ten – or twenty!) before you say something. Avoid giving advice. Remember that your loved one needs her/his autonomy back. Instead, validate their feelings and normalize their experiences. Use I-statements, and encourage your loved one to do the same. Offer gentle suggestions if it feels right, but avoid telling your friend what s/he “should” do. If you’re confused about something or want more information, ask questions. But always be prepared that your loved one might not want to talk about certain subjects. Try to approach questions in a disarming manner: “Is it okay if I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to.” Be compassionate, and stay collected.

3. Avoid body talk. Don’t draw attention to her/his body or try to validate her/his experience by talking about your own weight or body image. Body-specific compliments (i.e.: “I wish I had a body like yours,” “I already think you’re beautiful,” etc.) may seem like a viable solution, but they can actually be damaging to a person in recovery. Well-meaning compliments can be distorted, so it’s best to avoid them. Remember that what might seem like throw-away comments to you about your own body (i.e: “These jeans feel loose,” “I feel so fat today,” etc.) can trigger someone with an eating disorder. Instead, focus your attention on the person’s non-body-related accomplishments and personality traits. Turn the attention away from the physical. This is difficult to do in a culture where we talk often and openly about our bodies (especially our dissatisfaction with them), so it might take some practice.

4. Be sensitive regarding food and numbers. Food and numbers are causes of great stress for people with and recovering from eating disorders. Remember this when planning gifts and activities (pro tip: going out to eat or shopping aren’t the best ideas). If you’re eating in the presence of someone with an ED, avoid mentioning food intake (i.e.: “You could afford to eat more,” “You can order more than just a salad,” etc.). Because numbers often define (and therefore haunt) people with eating disorders, people in recovery need to retrain their minds to stop constantly making calculations. Therefore, avoid any food- or weight-related numbers (i.e.: “I lost five pounds,” “This meal has 600 calories in it,” etc.). Be cognizant of your words. When in doubt, ask what her/his triggers are.

5. Recognize accomplishments, but do so tastefully. When a person is in recovery from an eating disorder, s/he will (hopefully!) start to shed the aversion to food and start to gain weight. When your loved one conquers a fear food or reaches a healthy weight, this is certainly cause for celebration, but be careful how you approach it. Remember suggestion #3: Avoid body talk. Telling someone in recovery that “you look healthy” can very well translate in her/his mind to “you look fat.” Instead, focus on the accomplishment itself, rather than its physical manifestation. A simple “I’m proud of you” or “keep up the good work” will do.

And a BONUS: Remember your own self-care. It is not your responsibility to cure someone, nor is it possible. Being there to support someone who is in recovery is a beautiful gesture, and you’re doing something wonderful for that person. But don’t forget yourself. It’s okay if it becomes overwhelming. It’s okay if you need to step back. It’s okay to be confused, and it’s okay to have questions. Take care of yourself. The important thing is that you’re trying to help.

Eating disorders are difficult – not just for the sufferer, but admittedly for the people who care about that person, too. They’re complicated, and all people are different. Although this guide is meant to give you some insight into common things that eating disordered individuals want their loved ones to know, the best way to support someone with an eating disorder is to ask what s/he needs – and to be realistic about your reaction, response, and ability.

For more information on eating disorders, visit the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) website, or call them toll-free at 1.800.931.2237.

Related Content:

What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder

Eating Disorder Myths: The Naked Truth

Celebrating Eating Disorder Recovery: Inaugural NEDA Walk in Texas

Expressing Disorder: Art Therapies for Eating Disorder Treatment

- See more at: http://www.adiosbarbie.com/2012/11/five-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-in-eating-disorder-recovery/#sthash.cM9bR4FL.dpuf

You never know what others are going through

Today I was having a conversation with my mum about how we need to stand up and fight our illnesses, in order to overcome them. I tried to explain to her that while it may seem impossible to get better,  it is always possible to push through the pain, no matter hard it may seem. What she then said really shocked and angered me. She said; 'Are you trying to compare overcoming anorexia to overcoming alcoholism? Because I have recovered from Anorexia and it was nothing compared to what I am going through.'  

Now I may be being the judgemental one but for my mum too make this statement, makes me think that she never actually had anorexia, or if she did it wasn't anywhere near as severe as mine. I believe that anyone who says that an eating disorder is easy to overcome, hasn't really had one (or a serious one anyway). There reallly is nothing at all easy about overcoming anorexia and for her to say that it was easy made me angry as it made it sound as though everything I have achieved is not an achievement at all. The progress I have made so far in my recovery is the most painful thing I have ever done in my life and it really hurt to hear her say this.

My mum has spoken a bit in the past about how she had some issues with food in her teenage years and that she was quite thin however I know for a fact she was never classified as underweight. She also said that she never counted calories or anything like that. I know that she dieted and even made herself sick after eating some foods. But she says that she basically just snapped out of it and that it didn't control her life anywhere near as badly as my anorexia has mine. I may be wrong but I rreally dont think you can just 'snap out' of an eating disorder. 

I am not saying that my mum had a completely normal relationship with food as she obviously didn't but I do not think she is in any position to compare what she went through to what I am going through, especially considering she was never even diagnosed with anorexia. I would say that my mum certainly had disordered eating and I would even say that she took dieting to the extreme but I am not convinced that she had anorexia as if she did she would have been able to understand what I was going through all of these years, but she never has. 

My mum has been the least understanding person of all when it has come to my anorexia and I think in a way it is because of these issues she has had herself with food. From what my mum has told me, I think te difference between what I have gone through as far as my eatting disorder and what she went through in regards to food is that she never lost all control. She wanted to be thin and took her dieting to an extreme but she never lost total control like I did with my anorexia.

All the way through my illness my mum has acted as if anorexia is something that I have chosen and that I can choose to let go of it whenever I want too but this certainly is not the case, as all of you who have sufferered from anorexia would understand. If my mum did have anorexia when she was younger, wouldn't she be able to understand this too? I have always hated the way my mum has always made recovering from anorexia sound like such an easy thing, but I know that I really should not worry about what she thinks or waste my time trying to convince her otherwise.

I know that what she is trying to overcome herself is terribly hard but I do not think either of us are in the position to say that either overcoming anorexia or alcoholism is harder and at the end of the day who reaally cares. It is not like our illnesses are something we should be competitively comparing. No two people ever have the exact same experience of an addiction or mental illness and we should therefore never judge others or presume that we know exactly what others are going through because this is something that we will never know. 

All I do know is that anything like alcoholism or anorexia can eventually be overcome. No matter how badly someone is suffering with an illness there is always hope. In order to get better in both instances the sufferer needs to believe that recovery is possible and believe in themselves. They also need to want to get better, more then anything else in the world.

Getting unwanted recovery advice

Today I went and saw my pharmacist as she wanted me to talk to her about by skin. My skin still isn't all that nice which has been making me feel really self conscious but hopefully I will be able to get on top of it now. I realised yesterday that my shampoo had possibly been causing some of my acne problems as my skin has only got really bad since I ran out of the shampoo I was previously using and changed products. I had never considered that what I was putting in my hair could have been giving me pimples but it only makes sence, that the oils move from our hair and onto the skin and the rest of our face. The pharmacist recommended some new skin care products for me that will hopefully help me and she also reccommended a multi vitamin and zinc tablets that I will start taking each day.

I was honest with the pharmacist and explained to her that I was currently intentionally gaining weight and eating a very high calorie diet and what she then told me surprised me a lot. She told me that just because I am thin does not mean I should eat junk food like cake and chocolate and that it was still damaging my body. She told me not to eat anything that came in a wrapper as it would be bad for my body and skin. While she is entitled to her opinion, I do not think that this was a very good thing to be telling a recovering anorexic.

I have already spent years denying myself of yummy foods and I really dont want to start doing it again. I want to recover from anorexia so that I no longer have to worry about what I am eating, and being super health conscious will not allow me to do that. I know that eating a chocolate bar as well as a pudding for dessert everyday may not be healthy for the average person,  but I believe that it is fine for me to do that, atleast until I am weight restored. And once I am weight restored I would like to think that I can still have those types of foods sometimes, as they are what I enjoy. Afterall, along with the unhealthier foods I eat, I also have a lot of healthy wholegrains, fruit and vegetables as well.




She also told me that I should be doing some toning exercises so that the weight I gain wouldn't just be 'horrible flabby weight.' She said that it would be much better if I just gain the weight in muscle, instead of fat. This I really dont agree with. I know for a fact that our bodies need a certain amount of fat so that they can function optimally and only gaining muscle weight is not healthy in recovery.

Something else she told me that I dont completely agree with is that I should try and eat as little as I possibly can, and just choose the right foods so I still gain weight. I dont believe that eating tiny amounts of high calorie foods is the best way to recover from an eating disorder and gain weight.  Recovery should be about learning how to eat like a normal person again and learning to enjoy eating. It should not be about eating the least amount of food as possible. 

My anorexia was delighted when the pharmacist told me all of these things which is exactly why I am not going to listen to what she has told me to do. While we would like to think that we can always trust professionals when they give medical advice, unfortunately this is not always the case. I would say that the pharmacist has very little knowledge about eating disorders and I therefore do not think she shouId be trying to give advice to people suffering from them. 

Fortunately I am in a good enough mindset so that I know better then to listen to what the pharmacist said to me but I can remember a time when I would not have coped with this 'advice' at all. Hearing these types of things would have once been very damaging to me and my recovery, as I am sure it would be to others as well. Please, dont just automatically believe what anyone tells you about eating disorders and recovery. Even the professionals dont know everything and while we should listen to them as much as possible, it is not always sensible to do so (like with what I experienced today). If you have any doubts about anything you have been advised of in regards to your recovery, dont be afraid to get a second opinion, just in case. 

The same goes with advice and information that I give about eating disorders and recovery. what I share on my blog as well as the advice I give in emails is only based on what I have learnt through my own experiences and research. Just because something did or did not work for me in my recovery, does not necessarily mean that it will be the same for you. I love trying to help others but please always remember that I am not a professional and may not always have perfectly accurate answers to your questions. While I cant promise that my opinion on a topic will always be the best one, I can promise you that I would never make up information or intentionally share misleading information. :)

Why you should never tease someone about their weight

In the years leading up to my eating disorder, I was constantly teased about my weight by my brothers and even my dad. I know that they weren't saying it to be really nasty or even because they thought it was true. Teasing is a normal part of sibling rivalry and I am sure that I teased my brothers just as much as they teased me. I think that the only reason my brothers continued to tease me about my weight is because they didn't have anything better to tease me about. At first, it didn't bother me as I wasn't worried about my weight. It only starting hurting me once I started to get a more womenly figure and started feeling more self conscious about my body.

My brothers were both quite thin so I started to feel like the fat one in the family and as there teasing continued, I started to believe everything they would say. Whenever I went to eat something unhealthy they would say to me "you will get even fatter if you eat that." They would also take any opportunity they could to tell me my bum was big or that I was simply 'just fat', especially during everyday arguements that go on between brothers and sisters. Even my dad who I have always had a really close relationship with would stir me up about my weight and what I was eating.

If the boys in my family realised how much this kind of teasing was starting to effect me, I know that they wouldn't have done it as they weren't trying to be horrible. They were only saying it as a joke but the problem was, I wasn't taking it as a joke.

I still remember so many of the comments that they paid about what I ate and my weight even to this day because they were tearing me up so much inside at the time. My little sister would hear everyone teasing me all the time about being fat so she even started to do it eventually. One day when she commented on something I was eating I just burst into tears.

Both my brothers and dad felt guilty when I was diagnosed with anorexia about all the years of them teasing me about my weight, but there was nothing they could do about it then. My older brother was quite upset when my mum told him I was in hospital as he hadn't known anything at all about my anorexia until then. The first thing he said was "Shit, but we have been teasing her for so long about being fat. We only ever said it because it wasn't true."

I have made it very clear to my family that I do not blame them at all for me developing my anorexia. This was just one of hundreds of triggers that have all contributed to me developing an eating disorder. From the following list of psychological issues associated with anorexic patients sourced from here, I have almost every single one of them. Therefore I believe my brothers teasing was just one of many factors responsible for me developing my anorexia.

Psychological Factors
Although every case is different, clinicians have noticed patterns in psychological issues with patients who have eating disorders.

For anorexia:
– fear of growing up
– inability to separate from the family
– need to please or be liked
– perfectionism
– need to control
– need for attention
– lack of self esteem
– high family expectations
– parental dieting
– family discord
– temperament – often described as the “perfect child”
– teasing about weight and body shape

{The only one of these Ididn't really have was parental dieting, all the rest were big issues present in my life}

So while I know that it did not necessarily cause my eating disorder, it certainly wouldn't have helped matters and did cause me a lot of pain. If you are being teased about your weight or can see someone being teased about their weight please speak up. That is what I should have done. If I had told my family how it was really making me feel I know that they wouldn't have continued to do it. No one deserves to be teased about being fat, no matter what size they are. I just wish there was a way of getting this message out there as most people, particularly males just don't realise how hurtful it can be.

Something else that you must always try and remember is that while we cant control what other people say, we can choose not to listen to them. I know it's hard and I have always been guilty of this too but don't let what other people say influence how you feel about yourself. Who cares what others say, try to love yourself for who you are and don't let anyone else change that.

My Sunday

Considering I had to work today, I have still had a pretty good day overall. I got up early this morning and wrote a post for my own blog as well as my guest post for Izzys blog while eating a delicious breakfast. I had a bowl of honey oats topped with a banana as well as two slices of toast with honey nut spread. I had to work today so took my dog Tess for a quick walk early. It was freezing cold and terribly windy so I was glad when I got back home and could warm up by the fire for a little while before going to work.

I really like the people who I work with at the supermarket on the weekends so the day went pretty fast even though it wasn't very busy. Iam very lucky as everyone who Iwork with on the weekends knows about my anorexia and they are all great listeners and very supportive. Something that really annoyed me today was that two different customers at two different occasions told me that I should eat something and gain weight. The first man had overheard me telling the person I was working with that I was cold and he said, "maybe you should eat something then and gain some weight." I didn't know what to say so just ignored him.

The second man just came straight out and said, "gee your thin, you should eat more!" I attempted to tell him that I actually eat alot and then he accused me of lying, as "I couldn't posssibly." I wish now that instead of trying to justify myself, I had just told him to mind his own business. I know I have already written a post about how these comments annoy me which you can read here, but for two people to make these comments on the one day really did bother me.

I think the reason it is bothering me more then it usually does is because I am trying so hard at the moment to gain weight and I am eating so much. I don't think that anyone has the right to comment on how I look and don't see how it is any better than telling an overweight person that they are too fat and that they need to eat less. I know that I am thin but I don't need anyone else to point that out to me and I am currently doing everything I can to change it.

These comments surprised me as I honestly thought that I was beginning to look healthier. While I know I am still thin, I did not think that I looked thin enough so that people would notice and comment. It has made me doubt what I see when I look in the mirror and wonder how much of what I see is real. If these rude comments have done anything positive, it has made me realise that the way I see my body is still very distorted. It has reminded me that I shouldn't trust myself to decide how my body really looks as I approach my goal weight as I will more than likely think that I look a lot bigger then I actually am.

Luckily we only had to work until 4:30 today so there was still enough time for me to walk my dog and cook some chocolate muffins before making myself some tea. The chocolate muffins turned out really well and I am sure I will enjoy them for morning tea each day this week, along with a Up and Go meal supplement drink. For tea I felt like pasta as well as vegies so that is exactly what I had. For the rest of the evening I just plan on relaxing, blogging and watching television (the perfect Sunday night if you ask me). I hope that everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

My lunch; Nutella on 2 hot crumpets, 1 large apple and grapes

Tea; Tomato, onion and basil pasta topped with parmesan cheese and vegetables on the side 

My chocolate muffins :)

annoying comments

Yesterday when I was working at the bank, a customer who I know quite well took the opportunity to point out how thin one of the other workers at the bank was and then also commented on my size as well. I honestly don't understand why people think it is ok to comment on people who are thin but then consider commenting on an overweigh persons weight as rude. There really is no difference.

I have had people say the following sorts of things to me;

"Why are you so skinny"
"You are too skinny"
"When's the last time you ate something"
"Don't go outside, you would get blown away"
"You wouldn't eat chocolate or icecream, look at you"
"You shouldn't be eating that, go eat a chocolate bar"
"You should gain some weight"

I mean seriously, do people really not realise that I don't need to me reminded I am thin? Don't get me wrong, I don't get really upset over these types of comments anymore and am really used to them as it happens all the time but it is still annoying. Can you imagine if I answered back to the person "I don't know why are you so fat?"  I could never do this as I know that it is wrong but maybe it would make them realise that it isn't really ok for them to make comments about other peoples appearance, unless of course they are complimenting someone.

It makes me feel sorry for not only those suffering from eating disorders but also the people who have something else wrong with them or who are naturally really thin. I know it is rare, but some people (not me) are naturally underweight (like the other lady at the bank and even my dad). Oneday I will be weight restored and won't have to put up with these comments anymore but people who are naturally underweight have to put up with these comments forever and i'm sure they find them just as annoying as I do.

I guess there is no real answer as something we can't do is control what other people say but please, if people are rude enough to comment on your appearance, try not to let it bother you. Maybe deep down they are just insecure about the way they look themselves. As for what to say to people when they make these types of comments, i'm afraid I don't have a great answer. I still struggle finding a response to these types of comments but if anyone else has any advice, please comment below! :)