I was diagnosed with Anorexia almost three years ago and have been battling it ever since. On my blog I share different experiences that I have had when I was really sick, as well as the progress I am now making as I try to recover. Since creating my blog I have never felt more motivated to recover and I hope that through writing about my recovery, I will be able to inspire people with eating disorders to fight for a happier and healthier life.
Since starting a new job at mcdonalds, I have found it quite difficult to continue eating 6 meals everyday. Especially since I am usually gone from home for 6 hours or so, without a chance to eat.
To ensure I keep up my calorie intake, I am increasing the size of my meals as I decrease the number of meals I have. For instance today I only had time for 5 meals, but I increased the size of my first two meals and dessert to make up for it.
Although it seems as though I am forcing in much more food then I actually need at each meal, I know that this is what I need to do to make sure I get enough energy and dont lose weight. I know it is important for me to take this precaution as I still manage to lose weight much easier then other people, even when I dont want to.
What is your experience of this? Do you find that losing weight happens particularly easily after weight restoration happens? Do you have a possible explanation for this?
Finally, I will share with you my food diary for the day, as I know many of my readers enjoy them :)
Todays food diary
Pre breakfast snack (6:00am):
1 twist bar and 1 vanilla up and go supplement drink
Breakfast (9:00am)
2 portions of strawberry flavoured oats prepared with 50% water, 50% milk and topped with 1 large sliced banana
Late lunch (3:00pm)
1 packet of two minute noodles, 1 apple and 1 small kinder chocolate bar
Tea (6:00pm)
1 large serve of tomato pasta served on a bed of baby spinach with cherry tomatoes
Dessert (8:00pm)
1 tub of two fruits, 1 hot chocolate and 1 small packet of choc chip cookies (25g)
Me with my boyfriends cat Bella
Me with curly hair (since getting healthier, my curly hair has come back)
I thought I would share with you all a typical days intake for me now that I am weight restored. So this is what I ate yesterday as well as what I ate today. I try my hardest to get a good balanced intake with lots of healthy nutritious foods as well as enjoying some yummy treats too.
Please rememeber that if you are still trying to gain weight, you should be eating more then this amount. In fact, you may need to eat more then this just to maintain your weight. Everyone is different and just because this amount of food fuels my body efficiently does not mean it will necessarily fuel yours. Yesterday's food diary
Breakfast: 2 sachets of uncle toby's flavoured oats prepared with 50% milk and 50% water
Morning tea: 1 packet of mini oreo cookies and a kiwi fruit
Lunch: 3 round crumpets with cream cheese, a kiwi fruit and jelly with custard
Afternoon tea: an apple, 2 sweet 'tic toc' biscuits and 1 chocolate biscuit
Tea: Crumbed chicken pieces and mashed potato with gravy and lots of extra mixed vegetables (carrot, caulliflower and broccoli)
Dessert: an Apple and a tub of warm vanilla rice pudding
Today's food diary
Breakfast: 4 wheetbix biscuits topped with 1/2 Cup of vanilla custard
Morning tea: 1 apple and 3 sweet 'tic toc' biscuits
Lunch: 2 pieces of wholemeal pita bread topped with cream cheese and diced ham, 1 strawberry Fruche yoghurt and 1 kiwi fruit
Afternoon tea: 3 cruskit biscuits with vegemite and cheese and a small kinder chocolate bar
Tea: 250g of Special fried rice with heaps of vegetables (carrots, caulliflower and broccoli) and soy sauce
Dessert: 1 banana and a tub of chocolate flavoured custard
After deciding that I simply wasnt ready to try and eat intuitively again yet (due to accidentely losing a bit of weight) I have started eating 6 meals each day again. I have also staryed roughly counting my calories for each meal again, to make sure I am eating enough too.
The truth is, when I was eating less, I didn't really miss the extra food at all and didnt feel very hungary at all which made ne falsely believe I was eating enough. I have found that my appetite has returned now that I am eating more again which is great! I suppose I have just started making food and eating one of my main priorities again, instead of just eating when I have time or am hungary.
For example, I have started getting up at 6 in the morning and having a supplement drink and piece of fruit, before having breakfast at 9 and then lunch at midday. Where as before I wasnt eating breakfast until 9 (which was my first meal of the day) and then only having lunch.
I dont know if I am eating enough yet to gain weight but I atleast know that I will not lose anymore weight. If I still haven't gained any weight after a week or so of eating what I am, I will have to increase my intake again so that I can get back to the weight I was a month or so ago.
The extra food is giving me more energy and I already feel as though I can think more rationally and clearly. I guess this just demonstrates the importance of eating to keep us happy and healthy. We should always keep in mind the fact that food really is medicine for us!
I was very surprised when I went into the blood bank yesterday morning to donate blood when they wouldnt let me donate as I just fell under the minimum weight requirement. Up until a few weeks ago, I had weighed enough to donate blood and I hadnt been trying to lose weight in any way so I was shocked that it had happened.
This has come as an inportant reminder to me that even though I am doing really well in terms of my recovery, I still am not like everybody else. I do lose weight very easily and I therefore need to make an extra effort to eat more often then others and sometimes larger amounts then others too.
I think that the main difference between me and others is that my body needs a constant energy supply, in the form of 6 meals a day. This can be really hard when everyone around me only eats 3 or 4 times a day but obviously skipping snacks, even when I am eating more for main meals, just isnt something my body can cope with yet.
Perhaps oneday, when my weight has stayed healthy and stable for a longer period of time I will be less susceptible to weight loss, but until then, I just need to do what is right for my body and my health. I guess it is a good sign that I have not found this recent weight loss pleasing at all. If anything I have just felt dissapointed and concerned.
I have absolutely no desire to lose anymore weight and hope that I can gain back those few kilos I have managed to accidentely lose. Afterall, I know that my body is happier and healthier at that slightly higher weight and looking after my body is the most important thing. If the weight loss does continue, I will go to the doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong and there isn't another underlying cause of this unexpected weight loss.
Please remember that as I am weight restored, I no longer need to eat as much as you may still need to eat. Pleease do dont confuse the amount I eat with how much you should be eating if you need to gain weight, as it really is not enough for that :)
cheerios with milk, toast with cashew spread
Diced fresh Pineapple and and a Vanilla Up and Go
two slices of buttered fruit loaf, kiwi fruit, peach and vanilla creamed rice
Something that I eventually actually enjoyed about gaining weight was being able to eat so many delicious and yummy foods. An important point to make however is that there is nothing wrong with eating those types of 'yummy' foods even after you are weight restored. As long as they are eaten in moderation and along with other more nutritious foods, they will not hurt you or instantly make you gain more weight. I thought I would show you everything that I ate today to demenstrate the fact that a weight maintenence diet can contain all types of foods. Somedays I eat hardly any 'treat' foods like chocolate, cake or icecream and others days, like today I have all three. It just depends entirely on what I feel like eating. To me, this is what it means to have a healthy relationshipnwith food. I feel as though if I want to make a full recovery, I can not be frightened of eating certain foods.
Breakfast: toast with cashew spread and vanilla oats
Morning tea: an orange and 3 lamington Fingers
Lunch: 1 salad sandwich, 1 apple and 1 full fat yoghurt Afternoon tea: 1 picnic bar and 1 kiwi fruit
Tea: pasta bolognaise with grated carrot, diced capsicum and diced tomato
Dessert: 1 banana and 1 chocolate coated caramel icecream
At the moment, I still force myself to eat practically the same amount every single day no matter how hungry I may or may not be. Lately, my appetite really has not been very good at all so I just feel as thoug I am constantly forcing food into myself all day every day. Something I wonder about is, when can I actually start just listening to my body like a normal person does and no longer force myself to eat the same amount all the time no matter what.
If a normal person is feeling unwell or not hungry, they will not always eat as much as they usually do. This does not necesarily lead to them losing weight or anything like that. It is just a part of a normal diet as far as I can tell. Sometimes people eat more or less then usual but fortunately our bodies can deal with that without anything drastic happening. And this is exactly what I would like to be able to do too.
I am getting to the stage now that I am feeling ready to start eating more intuitively but I just don't know if it is too soon. I am weight restored so no longer need to worry about gaining anymore weight but don't know if beginning to eat intuitively would be a bad decision at this stage in my recovery. I guess that the reason I am struggling is because sometimes I have an extra big lunch or something like that, which leads to me not being hungry for my usual sized afternoon tea. Other days I really just dont have a great appetite.
Perhaps a good idea would be to continue eating my 3 main meals (Breakfast, lunch and tea) as normal but then allowing myself to eat intuitively for my snacks most days. I suppose I can see how it goes anyway and if it doesn't work out in the first couple of weeks for me to do this, I can go back to eating more set amounts for a while longer. Atleast that way I know I am getting a god amount of nutritious food in for my main meals and it therefore shouldbe ok for me to just eat what I feel like for snacks.
I think that the most important thing to remember about eating intuitively is that this does not only mea eating less when you are not quite as hungry, it also involves eating more if you are extra hungry. So while it may be ok for me to not eat quite as much one day if I am not hungry, I also need to be strong enough to eat some extra food on days that I am particularly hungry. I think that doing this will be the most challenging part of eating intuiutively however it is a challenge that I am wiling to face.
Something that I am currently working on is accepting my natural figure or body shape. I am not going to lie, I loved havng really skinny legs when I was sick. I wanted to be super skinny for years and whlst I was skinny, I really did love it but I know that is not how I am actually supposed to look. I know that I can not maintain that weight whilst I am living a normal and happy life and i know that my body cannot fuunction healthily whilst I am at that weight.
As I was walking around town yesterday in shorts, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in shop windows and I was pretty confused by what I saw. A part of me was happy, as I know that I have finally achieved what I have been trying to do for so long, which is restore my weight. But then there is the anorexic part of me screaming at me for all of the weight I have gained and wishing that I was thinner again.
I dont feel self consious of my whole body, just the parts that I also hated before I got sick. The difference now however is that I know that losing weight is not the answer. Instead, I need to learn to embrace my natural figure and accept it. In my opinion people waste their lives trying to fight their natural figures so that they can try and maintain a lower weight then they are genetically supposed to have. I do not want to be in a constant war with my body and with food so the only option is for me to accept myself, the way I am really supposed to be.
Yes my bum and thighs may not be really slim or slender but they really dont need to be in order for me to be happy. I am not overweight (in fact I am far from it) and I know that there is much more to life then just beingsuper skinny.
I found the following article from the recover warriors website really helpful, I hope you do to :)
7 STEPS TO EMBRACING AND LOVING YOUR BODY
Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care. ~Buddha
Just type in “woman”, “body” and “beauty” and you will get tons of articles representing unrealistic standards of the “perfect body”. These standards negatively influence our body image resulting in over 80% of U.S. women and 40% men being dissatisfied with their appearance and feeling the urge to change their body. At age thirteen, over 50% of American girls are unhappy with their body. At age seventeen, this percentage has gone up to 78%. A shocking observation.
For years my life was filled with counting calories, binges, beating myself up at the gym doing crazy workouts and having negative thoughts about my body. This love-hate relationship resulted in an eating disorder, which lasted for a decade. We tend to believe that changing our body will make us feel better, but no matter how close you get to beauty standards set by society, positive feelings will be short-lived and result in something else you want to change.
Dear Warriors: Hating your body will never get you as far as loving it will!
Whether your body is a size zero or a size twenty, loving your body lies in changing your body image, instead of changing its appearance. Body image is the way you perceive your body and how you believe others perceive it. It relates to the feelings about it and the sense of feeling connected with your body. Body image lies at the core of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Whether you are recovering from an eating disorder or not, developing a positive body image and loving your body just the way it is, is crucial to your happiness. Letting go of unrealistic beauty standards opens up the door to nurturing and loving your body.
However, body love is a tough journey, especially when you’ve been hating and criticizing yours for so long. It requires patience and investment. Feeling the urge to change your body’s appearance stems from dissatisfaction with the way it looks. How can you beat this negative body image and start loving your body?
Forgiving your body
The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. ~John Green
When you spend years of your life trying to change your body’s appearance and criticizing the way it looks, you probably didn’t treat it kindly. Let’s face it, the perfect body doesn’t exist. Unrealistic standards created by media and society aren’t representing any kind of beauty. They are designed to sell. When you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to buy their products. If you want to love your body, you should start by forgiving it for not being perfect.
Focus on the amazing functions of your body
Despite everything your body went through, it functions. Inside, there are millions of microscopic systems working without you even noticing. Your body is a unique and incredible creation. So instead of obsessing over how it looks, you can focus on the benefits it gives you. It will help you to see the negative consequences of destructive behaviors.
Learn How to Love Your Body
with this guided meditation
Become friends with your body
Put every negative feeling aside and write down every positive aspect of your body. Think about the things your body does for you every single day and what you can do with it. Once you do this, you’ll realize your body isn’t so bad to hang out with. You don’t need to love it yet, but become its friend. Consider your body as your buddy, with whom you work together to fulfill your dreams.
Accepting Your Body
Loving your body takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. Once you became friends with it and realize the benefits of your body, you can start accepting it. Look to yourself in the mirror without judgment. This doesn’t mean your inner-critic won’t speak up. However, you have the decision to silence that voice by not listening to it and decide to be kind to your body.
Appreciating your body
Once you accept your body the way it is, you can start learning to appreciate it. You don’t need to celebrate it yet, just be grateful for every aspect of it. When negative feelings arise you can say to yourself, “I am valuable no matter what size” and “My beauty doesn’t depend on the way my body looks.” Think about your passions and the dreams you want to fulfill and the role your body plays in fulfilling those dreams.
Nourish your body with a body love treatment. Think about taking a scented bath, a gently massage or dancing around naked. Anything you like which benefits your body and will make you feel connected with it.
After years of battling with my own body image I can now look in the mirror and be happy with my reflection. I found peace. Not in changing my body, but in changing and growing the way I perceive myself. And the funny thing is, when I was able to love myself, I was also able to live the life I wanted and do the things I found important. Being beautiful and having a positive body image is a feeling that comes from within and deserves to be unlocked.Loving your body is hard, but the process is gratifying and worth it. What does it give you? Your life!
How do you feel about your body? Let me know and leave your comments below!
*****************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
In this post I talk about my weight and BMI and there are also some photos of me when I was very underweight as well as when I am heealthy.
After getting up and weighing myself this morning, I was quite happy to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was over a week a go when I weighed myself last. My weight has been stable for around a month now and my body seems to be able to run healthily and happily at this weight. I am feeling really quite comfortable with the way my body currently looks which is an amazing feeling as I cant rememebr the last time I was actually happy with my body.
I am currrently eating a minimum daily intake of 2500 calories and I really do feel fantastic. I no longer experience any of the symptoms that I once experienced whilst restricting or undereating. The most noticeable difference to me is not actually with my physical health but instead with my mental health. I find that I can now think so clearly and my anxiety levels are also much lower then they have been for years.
Some professionals may argue that I have not gained enough weight as my bmi is still only 19, which is at the very bottom of the healthy weight range.
I have spoken to my GP about this and she is quite happy for me to remain at my current weight. The goal weight she initially set for me was 50 kg and she was thrilled that I has chosen to gain even more weight myself. My doctor knows how thin my parents and my siblings are and also knows what my figure was like before I developed anorexia and she seems to think that my current weight is a healthy weight for me.
Sometimes I feel as though I should keep gaining some more weight but only so that I can be a good role model for my readers, not for any other reason. I like my body the way it currently is and I worry that if I gain too much more weight I will become unhappy with the way I look again which will lead to bad body image for me as well as a possible relapse. Also, if I was not feeling so healthy and happy then I would be more inclined to gain some more weight, however I am feeling so fantastic, it feels quite unneccesary.
The main reason I don't want to 'stop half way' is beecause I know that making a full recovery is impossible if I faill to reach my natural healthy body weight. If a time ever comes that I feel as though I am still anorexic and unable to make any more progress, then this is when I will start trying to gain more weight again. For now however I can still feel myself making recovery progress and getting healthier and stronger each day so I am just going to continue letting my body maintain, as it currently is.
July 2013
July 2015
Something that I simply cant stress enough is that you need to listen to the doctors and health care professions who are looking after YOU. Just because my doctor says that it is ok for me to stop gaining weight at the weight I am currenttly at does not mean it is necessarily healthy for you to stop at a bmi of 19 too. We just need to do what is the best thing for OURSELVES and concentrate on getting healthy and making a full recovery. Keep fighting everyone, we can do this <3 xx
Firstly, I just want to say that I have only lowered my intake because I have reached a healthy weight for me and believe that I have reached my natural set point. I am still actually eating what some would consider to be a recovery intake as I believe that I need this amount of food to function properly and healthily. Also, I no longer follow a meal plan but just make sure I eat atleast a certain amount each day. Please, dont compare what you eat to what I eat. Just keep doing what is truly right for you and your own recoovery.
The following pictures show everything that I ate yesterday;
Breakfast: Toast with crunchy almond butter and Strawberry flavoured oats prepared with milk
Morning Tea: Milky hot chocolate, mandarin and jam sponge roll
Lunch: Noodle cup, apple and Strawberry custard snak pack
Afternoon Tea: Banana and Chokito chocolate bar
Tea: Roast beef with gravy, roast potatoes, beans, carrots, caulllifllower, broccoli and spaghetti
Dessert: Tub of peaches and vanilla flavoured creamed rice
I decided to take some more progress pictures last night, now that I have reached my goal weight. It is hard for me to see myself so much bigger then I was, but at the same time I am incredibely proud of myself for making it to where I now am. I know that the weigh I am now at is the weight I am supposed to be and I therefore need to keep working on accepting myself at this weight. As I look at these photos, I have a mixture of thoughts going through my head but I know I just need to ignore my anorexic thoughts and keep tellng myself that I am healthy and there is notthing wrong with the way I look.
I just realised that I never actually let you all know what I eventually decided to do about weighing myself and my 'month without the scale' challlenge. With the help of some of my readers, I realised that I was in fact doing the challenge for all the wrong reasons. I was not doing the challlenge because I was scale addicted or anything like that. I was doing it because I was scared of seeing how much I weighed and didn't want to have to admit it to myself as by doing this my anorexia gets angry.
So when I started to get worried that I may have been losing weight, as I had reduced my intake, started exercising more and stopped weighing myself all at the same time, I decided to end my challenge after only two weeks. Firstly, I am happy to report that I had not lost any weight which gives me confidence that I am still eating enough and that the extra exercise is not too much for my body.
Secondly, I think for now weighing myself and seeing my truue weight is actually helping me to recover more then what not weighing myself would be. Every time I weigh myself and see my weight, I do feel panicked and a little uncomfortable. My anorexia does get angry and starts trying to make me want to lose weight again. The thing is however, when this happens I never listen. Instead I fight with everything I have to ensure my anorexia doesn't get it's way.
I know that through fighting my anorexia this way and winning I am getting closer and closer to recovering and I am also getting closer to being able to accept myself for who I truly am. There is no point in being in denial about how much I weigh. That is not helping me to accept myself at a healthy weight, it is just like ignoring the problem. I know that the only way I will make a full recovery is by facing my fears and for me this means weighing myself, even if it is only once a week.
I weighed myself again this morning and my weight has still not changed which I think is a good thing. After all, maintaining me weight is my goal now and it is more just my mental recovery I need to keep working on. No matter how much my anorexia hates my weight and tries to get me to restrict and burn calories, I refuse to listen. Because I know in my heart that I am healthy and I know that I am the size I am supposed to be. I am not super skinny but if I was, then I would not be healthy and I would not be me.
Please, to all of those out there trying to get to a healthy weight, Keep fighting. I never thought that I would be able to get to a healthy weight but I have and it really isn't that bad. In fact, I like and appreciate my body more now then I ever have in my life. And to all of those who have reached a healthy weight but still have trouble accepting themselves at that weight, you need to keep fighting too. Acceptig and appreciating yourself and your body is possible and if we keep working on it, I know that we can get there together!
Something that took me a really long time to truly understand is that our bodies are not calorie counting machines. There is not an exact number of calories that our body needs in order to maintin our weight. If we eat more on one occasion, this does not mean we will necessarily gain weight, just as we do not necessarily lose weight if we eat a little less on any one day. If you really think about it, our bodies truly are amazing in adapting to our energy intakes.
The same thing goes for exercise. Just because a person misses exercise on a single day does no mean that they will necessarily gain weight and just because a person exercises more on one day does not mean they will lose a significant amount of weight either. If we learn to properly listen to our bodies, we will be able to realise when our bodies need extra food or not so much and can eat accordingly.
For a long time I was terrified of increasing my intake as even though I was under eating, I was still managing to maintain my weight. I was so pedantic about the number of calories I was eating and always made sure I ate the EXACT same amount every single day. I would not even eat 5 calories more or less (knowingly anyway) as I thought it would make me gain or lose weight. I now know that our bodies do not calculate calories in this way and that there is actually quite a large intake range that our bodies can maintain on.
Throughout my eating disorder, my body has managed to maintain my weight while eating 1800 calories, then 2000 calories, 2200 calories, 2500 calories and even up to 3000 calories. And this is because my body has cntinuously adjusted depending upon my intake. So please, just because you may be maintaining your weight at a lower weight, do not think you will never be able to eat any more then that amount in your life without gaining weight because you will be able to.
There is no magic formula to work out exactly how much you need to eat in order to lose, gain or maintan your weight. Our bodies are incredibely complex and we cannot always control them closely as we think we can. It is only since my mind has started to recover that I have been able to think so much more rationally and have been able understand dfferent things like this. Understanding this has helped me so much to get out of my bad eating disorder behaviours such as weighing everything I eat so that I can calculate the exact number of calories a food contains.
For example, I just use the nutritional values on the backs of packets to make sure I eat enough each day. While this means that I may actually be eating a little more or a little less then what it says on the packet, Iknow tha I am eating around the right amount that is all that matters. My body does not count every calorie that it uses and I therefore dont need to count every single calorie I consume either. I just need to trust that my body will use the energy I provide it with to look after me.
I cant wait until the day comes that I learn how to eat intuitively and no longer need to count calories. I am so excited about the prospect of trusting my body enoough to maintain a healthy weight without needing to eat a particular amount. Our bodies are so smart that if we learn to properly listen to them that they can really look after us, without us having to worry about it at all. Once this was the way everyone lived and this is the way that things should still be now in my opinion. We just need to sit back, enjoy life and trust our bodies to sort the rest out for themselves!
