I still cant believe I recovered

Tonight I watched a documentary on anorexia and found myself thinking about my time whilst I was sick. I try not to think about what life was like for me when I was at the grips of Anorexia as it was so terrorizing and painful but at the same time I think it is so important not to ever forget just how awful it was so that I never fall back into my old ways. I also feel as though I have a responsibility as a recovered anorexia to share my story to raise awareness and also help others who are suffering. I feel so incredibly grateful that I managed to defy the odds and recover from the killer illness that had me totally consumed for over 3 years of my life. Even now I find myself totally amazed that I actually managed to recover, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I think what society fails to realise is just how traumatising it is to have an eating disorder like anorexia. I remember hating my life so much but feeling as though trying to get better would be so painful that it would be easier just to die. I didn't like the way I looked, I knew I was too thin but for some reason gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world. I hated counting calories and obsessing over food but still, I allowed this things to control my life. Fighting my illness seriously felt more frightening for me than it would have been for me to be thrown in a tank with a great white shark or jump off of a 100 story building. Which is why I still cant believe I actually managed to take on my anorexia and recover.

Not only did I manage to recover, but I  managed to do it completely on my own. My family, doctors and friends had all given up on me and when I told them I was going to try and recover, I knew they didn't believe me. I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. They had heard so many false promises from me and knew what kind of hold my illness had on me. It had gotten to the stage they didn't really even talk to me about trying to get better anymore, everyone just believed that it was who I was and that I would die with my illness, whether it was in 12 months or 12 years. And if I am completely honest, that is what I believed too.

I still don't really know why I started to truly try and recover when I did or why I finally found the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. It wasn't the fact that I was miserable with my life as I had been miserable for years and still hadn't managed to recover. I think my break through moment was when I started believing that I was worthy of recovery and that I did deserve to be happy, which before then I hadn't believed. So that was why I started my recovery but as for how I managed to recover, I owe that completely to my Blog. I have no doubt that if I didn't start my blog when I did I would still be living with my illness, or worse still I wouldn't be living at all.

When I made the decision to truly try and recover, I was living alone and had no one around me to keep me accountable. I had no one telling me what, when or how much to eat. I had no one telling me I wasn't allowed to exercise or that I needed to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I had no doctors or specialists giving me advice, I just had my blog and my readers who kept me 100% accountable. Before I started my blog I would set goals for myself and make meal plans for myself in attempt of making a recovery however I never managed to see anything through. Once I wrote goals or plans down on my blog however, I always managed to stick to them 100%, no matter how hard it was.

Not only did I feel as though I had to stick to my recovery plan for my sake anymore, but I felt as though I had to do it for the sake of my readers. I felt as though I needed to show them that it was possible to fight their eating disorder thoughts and that if I gave into my anorexia, I was letting my readers down. Every time the temptation arose to burn some extra energy or eat a little bit less, I never let myself do any of those things as I didn't want to have to write about giving into my anorexia on my blog. Instead, I wanted to be able to write about my victories and how even though it was hard and the temptation arose, I never gave into my anorexia or gave up.

Some nights the guilt and pain I felt over the food I had eaten or the weight I had gained became so overwhelming that I would just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. It was so hard to put myself through that kind of pain, especially when I didn't even know if I would ever recover. But I knew that if I gave up I would be showing all my readers who believed recovery was impossible, that they were right. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could play a part in preventing another person recovering from their illness. I was completely honest on my blog about my achievements and progress and writing each day about how I was feeling was like therapy for me.

People from all over the world started emailing me and through helping those people, I was able to help myself even more. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so any advice I gave to others I always made sure I followed myself and through motivating others to get better, I found that I was also encouraging myself to keep moving towards recovery. I had people messaging me or commenting on my posts telling me that I was helping them in their recoveries and this was possibly the biggest incentive for me in my own recovery. This made me want to win every battle I had with my anorexia so that I could write about it and inspire others to do the same. I didn't only want to get better so I could live a better life anymore, I wanted to get better to prove to other sufferers that it was possible.

If you have never had an eating disorder yourself, I cant even begin to explain how hard it is to not only live with but also recover from. And if you do have an eating disorder or have had an eating disorder then you will understand exactly what I am talking about! I never thought I would be able to recover and still cant believe I actually did. I honestly feel as though I have achieved the impossible and that I will be able to overcome anything I am ever faced with in the future. My only hope now is that I can make as many sufferers as possible believe that no matter how sick you are, you can always get better. You just have to believe it is possible, believe you are strong enough and believe you are worthy of a recovered life!

Happy and healthy with my boyfriend and sister vs underweight, sick, alone and unhappy

Accepting weight gain in recovery

I think that one of the most difficult and triggering things about recovery from anorexia can be seeing your weight increase, both on the scale and as your body gets bigger too. I guess the reson it is so hard is that anorexics practically dedicate their lives to preventing weight gain and just because they make a committment to recovery, does not mean this fear or pattern of thinking that is so deeply instilled in them instantly goes away.

There is no way of avoiding it, the fact of the matter is if you want to make a full recovery from anorexia, you will need to get to a healthy weight. Telling yourself anything different will mean you are only setting yourself up for failure and more pain in the future. Your body and mind simply wont work properly whilst you are underweight and you will therefore never be able to get rid of your anorexic thoughts all together or make a full physical recovery either.

Whilst I was gaining weight, I remember feeling a mixture of emotions everytime I stood on the scale. If I had failed to gain any weight, the part of me that wanted to recover woukd be dissapointed but at the same time, the anorexic part of me would be overjoyed. Getting these types of anorexic thoughts at stsges throughout your recovery are completely normal and nothing you should be ashaimed of. Alk that matters is that you do not change your behaviors based on these thoughts. Accept that they are there but chose to ignore them.

Similarily, everytime I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained weight the part of me that was dedicated to recovery was glad but the anorexic part of me was furious. I believe thst in order to stay on track in recovery as you experience weight gain, is that you need to want recovery, more than anything else in the world. Before I began my 'true' recovery, I reached a point whereby I was completely fed up and miserable with my anorexic life. I started wanting a recovered life, more than anything wlse in the world. It was only then that I was able to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia and make actual recovery progress.

An important thing lto remember is that as you continue gaining weight, it does get easier. So dont think that the anxiety and pain you experience the first time you realise you have gained weight will persist through your entire weight restoration phase of recovery. I think a big part of the reason that it gets easier is because as your weight increases, your brain chemistry normalises too. This means that your thinking becomes more rational and some of your biggest fears like gaining will therefore lose some of their significsnce. 

I am a huge believer that the only way to overcome a fear is to face it, so by gaining weight and doing the exact thing you fear, it will slowly become less scary. No matter how hard it may seem you just need to remind yourself of how much you want recovery and the fact that you will not recover if you dont gain weight. The reason I was able to push through the fear and anxiety if weight gain is that I wanted recovery so badly, more than anything else in the world. 

Recovery is painful

I think the thing that makes recovery so difficult, is the fact that you need to put yourself through a lot of pain in order to recover. Although its easier to listen to your anorexic thoughts, in the long run you need to remember you are only harming yourself by doing this. For example, even though eating an apple for your snack seems easier at the time then eating whats really on your meal plan, it isnt the best thing for you. The best thing for you and your recovery is actually to eat the chocolate or cake or whatever else actually appears on your meal plan, no matter how painful it may be to do that.

Theres no point in trying to make anorexia recovery seem less painful or easier then it actually is. I think that the first thing people need to be told when they are trying to recover is that recovery is hard, in fact it is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life. And I think it is important that you accept this fact before you start the recovery process. Because when you are recovering, you cant just do what makes you feel good at the time, you need to do what is right for you and your life in the long run.

Although recovery is hard,  please know that having a happy eating disorder free life like I am now living is well worth the pain that you experience while fighting your anorexic thoughts during recovery. And everytime you are tempted to take the easy option during recovery and listen to your anorexia, just remember that you are only hurting yourself in the long run and getting further from your ultimate goal of recovery. And being recovered really is incredible! Its the best feeling in the world and has made me so thankful that I pushed through those hard times and chose the hard option instead of listening to my anorexia.

Please keep fighting, I promise it will be worth it one day

Eating true recovery amounts

An important thing to remember whilst in recovery is that just eating 'normal amount' in not enough. When you need to gain weight and are trying to recover, you really do need to eat more then everyone else around you. While I know that recovery amounts of food are different for everyone, I thought I would remind you all what my intake looked like when I was in recovery and eating as much as 3200 calories per day. Looking back, I am so glad that I was strong enough to eat that amount as it has meant that my metabolism has repaired well and I have been able to reach a healthier weight and mindset relatively quickly.

Example one

Peanut butter on toast with creamy vanilla oats (prepared with milk) and topped with 1 sliced banana

1 banana Up and Go, 1 mandarin and 1 thick slice of jam sponge roll

2 crumpets with butter and vegemite, 1 banana and 1 chocolate snak Pack

1 bowl of grapes with vanilla yoghurt and 1 cookies and cream Kit Kat

Roasted duck breast and mashed potato and pumpkin with gravy and vegetables (carrot, peas and broccolli)

Hot Butterscotch Pudding with vanilla icecream

1 milky 'frothy classic' hot chocolate

Example 2

Morning Tea: 1 mandarin + 1 caramel Up and Go + 1 jam filled lamington

Lunch: 1 sandwhich made with two slices of wholemeal bread, butter, Belgium and tomato relish + 1 large apple + 1 full fat raspberry and white chocolate greek yoghurt

Afternoon Tea: fruit salad made with diced pineapple, cantelope and watermelon + 1 packet of rice crackers + 1 mint Aero chocolate bar

Tea: Chicken carbonara pasta + vegetables (corn on the cob, broccoli, brussel sprouts and baby peas

Dessert: 1 Nannas hot mini apple pie with a large scoop of vanilla icecream

Supper: 1 Hot chocolate made with 1 sachet of Jarrah frothy hot chocolate, boiling water and cold milk

Example 3

Apricot, almond and vanilla oats prepared with 3/4 cup of milk and topped with 1 small sliced banana and 2 slices of wholemeal toast with Maple nut spread

1 small serve of grapes, 1 caramel Up and Go and 3 macadamia and white chocolate chip cookies

1 cheese an delish sandwich, 1 large apple and 1 vanilla snak Pack custard tub 

1 tub of apple puree with creamy vanilla yoghurt and 1 violet crumble chocolate bar 

Chicken flavoured rice with extra boccoli, carrot and peas

1 large bowl of vanilla icecream topped with 1 crushed flake chocolate bar

1 frothy hot chocolate made with cold milk and boiling water

Why recovery is worth it

Sometimes, you may find yourself wondering whether recovery is worth it or not. I know that I sometimes have these types of thoughts anyway. It is so easy to feel this way because recovery is such a long and difficult process and it really is painful too. But then there are other times that remind us exactly why we chose recovery, even though it is painful and not the easiest option.

Today I suggested to my little sister that we go and get a icecream from the shop when I picked her up from school. Amy picked out one of the chocoate cookie crumble icecreams and I walked straight over  to the other side of the freezer, where the lower calorie icecreams were. I couldn't decide what sort of icecream I was going to getand I couuld tell Amy was getting impatient.

Amy knew I wanted to try the new flavour of Magnum icecream so asked me why I wasn't trying it too. When Amy asked me this question it became so obvious that my anorexia was the only thing stoppping me from getting the icecream I really wanted. So at that moment I reached my hand into the freezer and pulled out one of the magnums and proudly replied to her 'I am!'

Amy and I sat outside of the shop, Happily enjoying our icecreams while we chatted and laughed together. I was so happy to be there with Amy and eating such a delicious icecream (we decided it is the best flavour of Magnum) that I forgot all about feeling guilty or anxious. This is just one example of many wonderful little moments that remind me of what I am fighting for and make me think, 'yes, recovery is definetely worth it.'

Dream

As I sat and ate my first dream chocolate bar since before I got sick, I thought about the fact that through recovering I am making my dreams for the future possible. All of the dreams I have ever had, fully rely on me recovering from anorexia and I therefore know I will never be truly happy unless I recover. This is why I know I need to recover and this is what I would like everyone out there who is suffering from an eating disorder to realise as well. Afterall everyone out there deserves so much more then life with an eating disorder.

So far I have had to put myself through a lot of pain in order to make the progress I have made in my recovery but I can see as I get closer to being fully recovered that every bit of this pain in well worth it. If I wasn't willing to recover, I would be facing a lifetime full of pain and suffering but through recovering and putting up with some pain now, I am allowing myself to have a happy anorexia-free life in the future. Please, choose to fight your anorexia and free yourself from its grips. It is only through doing this that you will be able to make all of your dreams come true and live the life you truly deserve to live.

You need to want recovery, more than anything else

The thing about recovery is that in order to put yourself through the pain that it involves, you need to want recovery more than anything else In the world. A very special friend of mine is really struggling at the moment in regards to sticking to her meal plan and I really wish I could help her more but the truth is, I dont know what more I can tell her that I haven't already. I have made many suggestions to her about strategies she could try and use but no matter how hard she tries, she still seems to give into what her anorexia tells her to do. Firstly I want to say how incredibely brave it makes my friend for recognising that she feels as though she cant fight and win this particular battle on her own yet. I also think that asking for my help about how to tackle this bump in her recovery has taken a lot of strength and it shows that she truly wants to recover. 

While this is not something I personally struggle with anymore, I know exactely how she feels as I have been where she is now. There have been stages in my recovery that I was not willing to endure the pain that fighting my anorexic thoughts involved, so instead I just gave in to them. This only changed for me when I started wanting recovery more than anything else in the world. After having this 'breakthrough', whenever my anorexia tried to convince me to skip a meal or restrict I had the strength to fight my anorexic thoughts and do what I knew was best for my recovery. I know that none of us in recovery want to remain sick, we all want to get better but how much we want to get better and whether or not we believe in ourselves is what determines if we can successfully fight our illnesses or not. 

Please do not think I am saying you are weak in anyway if you cant fight your anorexia all the time because I know that this is definetely not the case. I have spent years being unable to fight my anorexia so I completely understand. I wasn't choosing to give into my anorexia because I wanted to, but because I felt like choosing to fight my anorexia was impossible. I know it is extremely hard to choose recovery, as fighting your anorexia is much more painful then giving into it. If you want recovery bad enough however, you will be willing to endure the pain involved in fighting for yourself and your recovery.

While this particular friend of mine may not be able to tackle this particular problem on her own yet, she still needs to be incredibely proud of herself for everything she has been able to achieve. After spending a long time being very sick, she has already come so far in her recovery and the strength she has already demonstrated is truly remarkable. This girl is one of the strongest people I have ever known and I know that if she believes in herself and does not give up, one day she will be truly ready to stand up for herself and fight her anorexia 100%. Until that day comes, all I can do is promise her that I will be by her side to help her in anyway that I can.