Friday, 31 July 2015

Day 24: What attracts you (in love)

Ok, so I am not one of those people who would never fall for a guy if they did not have these characteristics but these are physical things that I do find attractive in guys;
-tanned skin
-taller than me
-nice eyes
-tall, dark and handsome ;)
-cleanly shaven
-short hair
-fit body but not too 'buff' (I actually dont find huge muscles on guys attractive at all)

but most importantly, I am attracted to guys who are
-accepting of me for who I truly am
-easy to talk to
-trustworthy and honest
-open minded and non judgemental
-have the same values as me
-country boys

Friday night babysitting

The thing about babysitting is that it can either be the easiest of hardest job in the world. Luckily, tonight is one of those night that it is the easiest job in the world. Tonight I am looking after a one year old boy and a 6 year old girl. The one year old boy was already asleep in bed before his parents left so all I had to do was occupy the little girl for an hour or so and put her to bed. Now they are both asleep and I have 3 hours or so to occupy myself.

I hope that both of the kids stay asleep. Last time I babysat I was looking after a little girl who was probably only 3 years old and she cried and screamed for her mum until nearly midnight, so tonight has been a much more enjoyable experience, so far anyway.    

I am planning to get some posts written to have for times when I am too busy to write and also perhaps to find some good recovery advice from sites online to share with you all too. If anyone has any suggestions or requests for certain post topics you would like me to write about, please let me know. Sometimes it can be hard to think of new post ideas and I dont want my posts to get to repetitives so any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I had a good day at work today but am looking forward to a couple of days off over the weekend. I left my dog inside before I came out to babysit tonight so I hope she hasn't done to much damage inside. I thought she would bark too much if I left her outside while I was out so late but I also hope she hasn't got naughty while I am out and chewed anything up or made a mess.

What are your weekend plans? Please remember to comment anything you would like me to write about below :)


Good morning

Finally Friday morning is here which means that the weekend is just around the corner. I am feeling happy and positive this morning, even if I do feel a little sick after the breakfast I just ate. For breakfast I had a huge bowl of chocolate oats which was really nice but super rich and filling. I haven't eaten chocolate oats for like 12 months as I had basically forgotten about it until I saw a photo of chocolate oats on another persons blog a few days ago. I think I will have it again in the future however I will just have a smaller portion and have toast as well, so I dont end up feeling this full and uncomfortable.

To make my Chocolate Oats I used 80g of oats, 15g of pure cocoa powder, 50g of sweetner as well as 1 and a half cups of milk. I then cooked it in the microwave until it thickened. It seemed to go really gluggy so I added some cold water to it as well once it had finished cooking which improved its consistency and also cooled it down so I could eat it straight away.   

I slept until 6am this morning, for the secong morning in a row which I hope means that my sleeping pattern is starting to normalise. After years of getting up at 5am or earlier it has been a hard routine to break but I really hope that I can continue sleeping later like this. Atleast then I can manage to stay awake later then 8pm. ;) Tonight after work at the bank I am going to babysit for someone (from 6:30 until 11:30), so I will have to stay awake quite late which I will probably struggle with, especially after a llong day at work today. But luckily I have all of tomorrow to rest and recover as it will be Saturday and I don't have to work this weekend. 

On Sunday I am going to Hobart with my dad ad sister as my sister is competing with her school in the cheerleading championships. Cheerleading is not traditionally a big sport in Australia but it is just starting to get bigger now. My sister is really good at all of the tricks (like forwards and backwards walkovers) so gets to do those throughout the routine. I havent told her as I know she would be devastated but I doubt she will bbe able to do tthose types of tricks in a few years time because she also has ligamentous laxity and dislocating joints like me. She really wants to do gymnastics in high school but I dont think her body wil cope with it at all. Afterall, I couldn't even keep up my competitive swimming which is much less sressful on the body then gymnastics or cheerleading is.

I better start getting ready for work. I still have to iron my uniform which takes me forever as I am really bad at ironing and hate it, walk Tess, cut my lunch and drive to Bicheno. I hope that everybody has a fantastic day. :)


Thursday, 30 July 2015

Day 23: If you won the lottery....

if I won the lottery, I would try and open up an eating disorder clinic in Tasmania (The state of Australia that I live in), or atleast contribute to the opening of one. I know that there would be a lot involved in this and it may not be possible no matter how much money I had however that would still be my first dream, If I was to win the lottery.

I hate the fact that there is such little help for people who suffer from eatng disorders in Tasmania and think that it is wrong that people who are not in private health coverage may not have the same opportuunities to recover as those that aren't. Everyone deserves to live a life free of an eating disorder and It would be wonderful to set up a clinic so that I could help to make this happen.

If I couldn't set up a clinic, I would atleast like to form some kind of support organisation so that people suffering from eaating disorders would no longer feel alone, as I did when I was at my sickest. I know how awful living with an eating disorder can be and all I will say is that it is no wonder that so many people living with eating disorders dont survive. It is also no wonder that many people take there own lives, as one of my cousins who was suffering fom Anorexia did.

While I never seriously considered taking my own life, I could see exactly why so many people suffering from anorexia do. When you feel so miserable living the way you are but it also feels truly impossible to change, it can leave you feeling extremely depressed and helpless. You start to think that you would rather just not be around anymore, as it feels as though dying is the only thing that will ever take the pain away.

But you can fight! No matter how impossible getting better may seem it is always possible, for everyone. My dream is to show people that they can get better as well as actually helping them to do it. So this is what I would do if I won the lotttery, put it back into helping others recover. What would you do if you won the lottery?

Getting restless in recovery

An unfortunate truth is that recovery from anorexia, or perhaps any eating disorder is a very long process. On average I read somewhere that it takes 7 years for a person to recover from anorexia from the time they were first diagnosed. Of course this may be shorter or longer, depending on the individual but 7 years really is a long time. I wish it didn't take years to recover from anorexia, but unfortunately this is just the way it is.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I feel completely fed up with recovery. Fighting day after day is so tiring and montonous and I so wish it could just all be over. Sometimes, when I can feel and see myself making progress, all of my hard work seems worth it but othertimes, I can go months at a time without seeing any progress at all. When this happens I start to feel as though all my hard work is for nothing and I start to wonder whether I am ever going to make a full recovery.

I know that I really shouldn't complain, as it has only been 3 years since I was diagnosed with anorexia and so many other people struggle for so much longer. When I think about the torture I have been through over the last 3 years, it really makes me think about how strong all of the people are who have been battling for so much longer. I suppose it just goes to show that you really do need to keep choosing recovery, over and over again and not just once.

I guess it makes sense really, that recovery takes so long. After all you neeed to try and change your thought processes and beliefs which is not an easy thing to do. Imagine telling a person who whole heartedly believes in god and has done for some time that they should not believe in god anymore. That person could not just suddenly stop believing in god, their belief in god is a part of them. Even if the person tried to stop believing, deep down they would still think about god and believe. You cant just turn thoughts like these off and anorexic thoughts are exactly the same.

Or if someone told me tomorrow that I wasn't allowed to love my dad anymore, I couldn't just stop loving him. I think that changing your thought processes in regards to food exercise and weight is so much like this. When I first went to hospital after being diagnosed with anorexia, it was already too late. It only took 12 months or so for me to develop these dangerous and anorexic beliefs and thought processes but they really were a part of me. Just because the doctors told me that my anorexia was wrong and a liar did not mean I could instantly stop those thoughts from happening.

I also couldn't change what I honestly believed was true, that I was fat, ugly, unlovable and worthless. It is only now, three years later that I have truly started to believe that these things are not true. I still have a hard time thinking good things about myself but now I truly believe that being me is the most important thing and that there is nothing wrong with just being myself.

Something I do know for sure is that in order to make a full recovery, I need to keep fighting my anorexic thoughts, no matter what. The thing that you need to realise is that through giving into your anorexia, whether it be through cheating your meal plan, walking an extra kilometre or not putting butter on your bread, you are reinforcing your anorexic thoughts and unhealtthy thought processes. The only way you can recover is if you replace your unhealthy thought processes witth healthier ones and this will not happen if you are still reinforcing your old unhealthy ones.

Sometimes, the fact that recovery is taking so long really does get me down. Like today, I really just want to stop thinking about eating enough, maintaining my weight or finding my natural set point and not over exercising but the fact is, I cant. I dont want to hear my anorexic voice anymore. That voice has haunted me for three years, making me feel fat and worthless and I really just want it to go away but the frustrating thing is, I cant. As much as I would like to, I cant make that happpen instantaneously, but I can make it happen eventually by continuing to push forward and fight.

Yes I am tired and frustrated but I have come way to far to quit now. If I quit now I will be stuck thinking about those things and hearing that spiteful voice for the rest of my life and I honestly can not even bare the thoughht of that. We always need to remember that while recovery may seem hard at times, even impossible, not recovering is even harder. Atleast through recovery we are eventually rewarded with hapiness and a wonderful life, two thing we can never have whilst we remain sick.

So no matter how fed up you are feeling right now, with your illness or your recovery, remember you have to keep fighting. You really have no choice but to fight as if you do not win this battle, your anorexia will and eventually that can only mean one thing. No one deserves to live a life with anorexia or even worse, die from this illness. Dont let your aorexia win. Who knows how long it will take but you just need to remeber that you can do it. Have faith, keep believing and keep fighting and you WILL get there.

A questionnaire from a reader

Q: When and where were you happiest?
A: Hugging my dad, spending time with my sister, strangely enough at work (especially at the supermarket)
Q: If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A: A dolphin
Q: What is your most dislike?
A: Anorexia
Q: Who is your hero of fiction?
A: I have always dreamt of my own prince charming, coming to rescue me ;)
Q: How would you like to die?
A: Saving some body I Iove or peacefully of old age
Q: Which talent would you most like to have?
A: I love music and listening to songs that mean  lot to me however  am not a ery good singer. I have always wiished I could sing!
Q: Where would you most like to live?
A: Honesty, probably where I am already living. It is beautiful here and am cloe to all the people I love. If I had to chose another country to live in, I would probably chose somewhere like the UK.
Q: What is your greatest fear?
A: Of never meeting the right guy and having a family. I am also really scared of sharks.
Q: Which living person do you most admire?
A: My dad is the most wonderful person I have ever known and he has achieved so much in his life. He has always been a wonderful role model for me and is the strongest person ever. He inspires me to keep reaching for my goals and dreams every single day. 
Q: What is your most marked characteristic?
A: I am always bubbly and cheerful and likek to help others.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Day 22: Your worst habits

Picking at my skin: My absolute worst habit would be picking at any scabs or sores on my face or body. Unfortunately I am now covered in scars because of these. In particularly on my face and on my right arm/hand. I know that this habit is gross and I would love to be able to stop but it is so hard for me not to do it. No matter how hard I try, I always end up picking scabs without even realising I am doing it.

Talking too much: Sometimes, I know that I do talk too much. Which may be annoying for soem people who I regularly talk to. I think that talking too much can sometimes be a really bad thing as you learn things through listening, not talking. And when you are talking all the time you aren't hearing and you therefore are not learning. Apart of this is also talking too much about myself. I dont particularly enjoy talking about myself but sometimes it may come off this way as I do talk a lot.

Balanced Chewing: I suppose the ritualistic way I chew is a habit too. The way that I always eat the exactly same amount of food on the left and right sides of my mouth. Like if I was eating an apple, I would chew the first bite on the left side, tthe second bit on the right etc. And if I was eating something colourful, like rice crackers, I would eat a green one on the left, a green one on the right, a brown one on the left and then a brown one on the right etc. I also eat the same sized bites on each side of my mouth.

Always having to eat everything off of my plate: I literally scrape every single bit offood off of my plate and never leave anything at all. Fortunately I am not as pedantic about completely scraping my plate as I once was. Now I dont try and eat every crumb of my toast etc. but I still do scrape my late more cleanly then most people would.

Brushing my teeth: I ALWAYS need to brush my teeth morning and night, no exceptions. I cant sleep if I dont brush my teeth at night. And I brush my teeth for much loner then most people do. I also have a bad habit of chewing my toothrush, so I literally go through a toothbrush every single week which costs me a fortune.

Is my one month without the scale a bad idea?

I am starting to feel a little worried that my one month without the scale could be a bad idea. To be perfectly honest, I love not weighing myself as I have not been worrying about the amount my weight at all. Afterall, my weight really is only a number and it really does say anything about me in the ways that really count.

However, it is starting to worry me that I could be losing weight without even realising it. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea to start this challenge just as I was starting to make some changes to my intake and exercise. As now I really dont know if I have cut my intake back to much, considering I am exercising more now too.

I have worked so hard to get back to a healthy weight and I would hate to wait for another two weeks before weighing myself again, only to realise I have lost a significant amount of weight that I will then have to try and regain. Now I can see that it probably would have been better to check that I had managed to maintain my weight for a while before stopping weighing myself all together.

I have felt so free not weighing myself for the last 2 weeks and eventually, I really would like to throw my scales out and not weigh myself at all. People are so terrified of gaining weight and seeing the number on the scale increase even a little bit but what does that really matter, so long as you are healthy and happy. Chances are, if you gain a kilo no one will be even able to notice, in fact if you hadn't weighed yourself you probably wouldn't notice either.

It is times like these that I wish I had someone close by who I trust to blind weigh me, so that they could tell me whether or not I had lost weight without telling me anything else. I probably have nothing to worry about at all, it is only my anxiety making me worry that I am perhaps losing weight. Or maybe, in some twisted way, it is actually my anorexia that wants me to weigh myself, because it hates me not knowing exactly what I weigh.

My main concern is that I have lost weight but what if my anorexia is actually just concerned that I have gained more weight and it therefore is almost tricking me into weighing myself. I am feeling so confused about what I should do. I hate it when you cant distinguish which thoughts are your anorexias and which are actually your own.

I have such mixed feelings about this, all going through my head and I honestly dont know what to do. I would love any suggestions or advice, Please?

Another day off

Ok, so after all my complaining about all the work I have been doing over the last few weeks, now I seem to have lots of days off. But I suppose that is just how it goes. Some weeks are really busy when I have to work every single day and other weeks I have more days off then regular people. I suppose that is just what happens when you have two part time jobs

Well today isn't really a full day off. I have to go into the bank for just an hour or so for a meeting this morning but then I have the afternoon free to do whatever I would like to do. I think I will probably just take Tess for a nice walk and maybe get some of my study for my traineeship done. It was strange doing some study last weekend for the first weekend in 12 months or so  but I actually quite enjoyed it.

Amy is coming to spend a few hours with me after she finishes school and cheerleading which I am looking forward to. Tonight I have yoga as well which should be good.  Usually I work at the supermarket on Wedesdays and have to go straight from work to yoga so it has turned out quite well. I will probably even be able to have a quick tea before I go so I dont have to eat quite as late as I usually have to.

I am feeling so tired this morning for some reason. I slept on the couch last night which I know I shouldn't do as I never sleep as deeply and soundly as I would in my bed. But I usually fall asleep while watching tv and then it is just so tempting to stay on the couch in the loungeroom where the fire is all night, insead of going and hopping into a freezing cold bed.

So I feel like I just need a day to recharge and get back to my energetic self. I will probably try and catch up on some sleep sometime today as well and watch some more of pretty little liars. I have already finished season 2 even though I only started them 13 days ago as it is so good and I just want to keep watching it.

Luckily I bought the first three seasons when I was in Hobart so I still have one season to go. My mum is taking me to Hobart next week for my dermatologist appointment so I will have to get some more seasons then. I hope that everyone is having a good day. Keep smiling, fighting and believing! xx

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Train yourself to be more positive

After writing my earlier post today, I decided to find some tips online, that can help you to become more positive. The site I found this tps at was; 

Step One: Believe a Positive Attitude is a Choice

This step was hard to take at first. I thought that people were either positive or negative (and I was in the latter category). I used to blame my negativity on all kinds of outside forces—fate, experiences, parents, relationships—but never really stopped to think that I could choose to be positive.
Teaching myself that positivity is a choice has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself.
Now when I find myself in a bad situation, I know that it’s up to me to find the good, to be positive regardless of what’s happening around me. I no longer point fingers and place blame. I realize that everything happens how it happens, and it’s up to me to choose how I want to feel about it. I am in control of my attitude, and no one can take that away from me.

Step Two: Rid Your Life of Negativity

If you want to live a positive, joyful life, you cannot be surrounded by negative people who don’t encourage your happiness.
As a negative person, I attracted negative people. When I decided to make the change to live a more positive life, I had to rid my life of the most negative influences in it. No one is perfect—and perfection isn’t the goal when it comes to positivity—but there were people in my life who were consistently negative, who constantly brought me down, and I had to stop spending so much time with them.
This, as you can imagine, wasn’t easy. It can hurt to distance yourself from people—even when you know they aren’t good for you or your current lifestyle.
In addition to removing negative influences from my, I also had to get rid of some of my own negative behaviors, such as drug and alcohol abuse. I had to take a step back and examine which behaviors were good for me and which were not.
I learned to focus on the positive things I was doing—such as working on my blog and cultivating new, positive relationships—and let go of the negative ones. This process was not easy and, to be honest, is still ongoing, but I know this: It’s hard to live a positive life when negative people and behaviors continually pull you down.

Step Three: Look For the Positive in Life

In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time it’s not obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard.
The old me was content to sit back and just glance around. If I saw negative, I went with that feeling. I didn’t want to look harder or think too much about the good. I found it much, much easier to sit back and just accept what I saw (which was usually the bad).
Now, when I’m faced with a difficult or challenging situation, I think to myself, “What is good about this?” No matter how terrible the situation might seem, I always can find something good if I take the time to think about it.
Everything—good and bad—is a learning experience so, at the very least, you can learn from bad experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something genuinely positive, about every person or situation.

Step Four: Reinforce Positivity in Yourself

Once I started thinking more positively, I realized I had to reinforce these thoughts and behaviors in myself so they would stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.
The best and easiest way to do this is to be positive when it comes to who you are. Tell yourself you’re awesome. Tell yourself you look good. Tell yourself you did a great job at work or raising your kids or whatever it is you do.
Be honest with yourself, but do your best to look for the good. And, whatever you do, don’t focus on the negative. It’s okay to not like everything about yourself, but don’t focus on what you don’t like. We all have positive attributes, and it’s up to you to remind yourself of them every day.

Step Five: Share Positivity with Others

Not only do you need to be positive with yourself for this training to really take effect, but you need to be positive with others. You have to share your wealth of positivity with the world.
The best way I’ve found to do this is quite simple and basic: Be nice to other people, no matter what. Tell someone s/he looks nice today. Tell someone s/he did a great job on that presentation.
Tell your parents or children (or both!) how much you love them and how great they are. When someone is feeling down, do what you can to cheer him or her up. Send flowers. Write notes. Don’t gossip. Be kind to all living things.
All of these things sound basic enough, but for someone like me, they didn’t come easily.
I never wanted to see the good in myself and, therefore, didn’t want to see it in others either. I used to be critical and condescending. Now I strive to be encouraging and supportive.
I try not only to treat others as I would like to be treated, but I also try to consider how they would like to be treated. People appreciate positivity, and the more you share it with others, the more you are practicing it your own life.
When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.
Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.

Day 21: What makes you sad?

Since I chose three things that make me happy, I suppose I should also choose 3 things that make me sad too. It trs out that the three main things that instantly came to mind were death, so overall I guess the thing that makes me saddest is in fact death.

Something that makes me sad is thinking about all of the people who dont recover from anorexia. The ones that are not able to overcome their illnesses and end up dying from them. I believe that everyone is strong enough to recover from anorexia, however some people just do not realise this until it is too late. This is why I want to help people to realise that recovery is possible for them, so that they do not die from something that they dont need to die from. I believe that anyone can recover, they just need to believe in themselves.

In fact I find anyone dying from anything incredibely sad, not just from anorexia Adults dying from illnesses is sad of course but I find children dying even sadder. I suppose that this is because children have not yet had the chance to live their lives or experience everything that life has to offer. While I was in hospital on the childrens ward, I saw many children who would not reach adulthood as they had terminal illnesses. In fct one little girl died of canceer whilst I was there which was very sad.

Thirdly, something that makes my incredibely sad is the thought of losing somebody that I love a lot or care a lot about. Luckily I have never lost anybody really close to me so I have never felt the sadness that this brings but it is honestly something that I truly dread. Losing one of my grandparents or any family member would be hard enough but I honesly cant imagine ever getting over losing one of my immediate family members. I love all of my family so much and could not bare to lose any of my parents, brothers or sister.

Trying to be positive

Sometimes it is easier to see the negative side of a s situation and a little harder to see the posiives, especially if you are a pessimist which is what I used to be. Something that I have learnt through my illness is that life really is too short to always look at things negatively, so I have started to try and look for the positives in every situation, as more often than not there will be some.

A simple example of this for me is winter. I generally hate cold weather. I dont particularly enjoy the way the icy air stings my face when I walk Tess early of  morning and I hate feeling cold. I hate it when it gets dark so early and there are fewer hours of daylight. I hate not being able to do the fun summer activities that I enjoy like spending time outdoors, camping, swimming and sunbaking.

However there are some things I do like about winter which I try to concentrate on when I start thinking about these negative things. I love sitting in front of the wood fire on a cold day and bloggin or watchin tv. I love the feeling of stepping into a warm house after being outside in the cold. I love roasting marshmallows on our families open fire when I visit them as well as drinking hot chocolate. I love the feeling of stepping into a hot shower or snuggling into bed of a night when it is cold.

After making an effort to look for the positives in every situation for a while now, I feel so much happier in myself and also love making other people see  the positives in order to cheer them up as well.  Now, I would no longer call myelf a pessimist, but instead an optimist as I generally find myself thinking about the poitives in a situation rather the the negatives without even trying.

Some things, like my illness seem to have far more negatives associated with it but when I thoug hreall hard, i found that even my anorexia had some positives. These iclude the strength have gained through being sick as well but more specifically in my recovery. I think that I always had the same amount of bravery aand stregth, itjust took having to overcome something as difficult as my anorexia to truly realise just how strong I could be. After getting through the worst of my illness, I now know that I am strong enough to get through anything life throws at me.

Something else that I think is a positive is the fact that I now have my blog, which is my place where I can express myself as well as try and help other people to deal with and recover from their eating disorders. If I hadn't lived through anorexia myself, then I wouldn't have the experience to be able to give other suffferers advice on how they can get well and I wouldn't be able to show them that recovery from an eating disorder is possible and also that it is worth all the pain that is associated with recovery. I also would never have met some of the lovely people who I talk to via email or my blog.

So if you are a pessimist, who generally sees the negative side of a situation, make a conscious effort to see the positives too. Life really is more wonderful when you can look at the positive things and if you do this for long eough, you may even be able to train your self to be a optimist, like I have been able to do. 

Monday, 27 July 2015

Day 20: What makes you happy

I have decided to choose 3 things that make me happy as I couldn't chose just one.

The first thing that makes me inredibly happy is my beautiful dog Tess. Tess is so special to me and I really don't know what I would do with out her. One of the things Ifear most is something happening to Tess resulting in me losing her.  She is my best friend and I can always rely on her to  make me smile. Tess has the amazing ability of knowing how I am feeling. Whenever I am down or upset she always stays extra close and shows me lots of affection which makes me feel so much better.

Another thing that makes me really happy if food and eating. This would probably sound strange to some people as they do not realise just how much anorexics generally love food. As long as I feel as though I am in control of my food I love it and love eating. I look forward to my meal times when I know I can eat and eating yummy things (which is like everything to me) really cheers me up.While I am no longer obsessed with food as I was when I was severely restricting my intake, I think I still do like eating more then normal people do.

Something else that makes me happy is talking to and helping people all around the world who are also suffering from eating disorders. Ever since I developed anorexia myself and felt the desperation that comes with suffering from an eaating disorder, I have known that I wanted to recover and then help others to do the same. Knowing that I am making some kind of positive difference to a few people trying to recover from anorexia means the wabsolute world to me and makes me feel incredibely happy. 

Normal Eating


Al­though the main causes of all eat­ing dis­orders are psy­cho­lo­gic­al and deal­ing with food is­sues alone will not lead to a cure, at some point the suf­fer­er’s food in­take does need to be ad­dressed. When this hap­pens var­ies be­tween pa­tients and se­ver­ity of ill­ness. A se­verely un­der­weight an­or­ex­ic will be treated to have their nu­tri­tion­al needs taken care off as a mat­ter of ur­gency.

Many peo­ple are afraid to start eat­ing nor­mally for fear that once they start eat­ing they won’t be able to stop, but ex­perts state this won’t hap­pen. Be­gin­ning to eat nor­mally takes time and any good treat­ment team should do this slowly so that you don’t start to pan­ic and lose con­trol. The ul­ti­mate goal will be to learn to eat 3 non-di­et­ing meals and 2-3 snacks per day. Car­bo­hydrates such as cer­eals, pasta, rice, bread, fruit and ve­get­ables should make up 50-60% of your to­tal daily in­take. Fat is also an es­sen­tial nu­tri­ent and should make up about 25% of your to­tal daily in­take. Pro­teins such as eggs, red meats, dairy prod­ucts and poul­try should make up about 10-15% of your to­tal daily in­take. A qual­i­fied nu­tri­tion­ist can help you to gradu­ally de­vel­op a healthy eat­ing pat­tern.

Be­low is a list of sug­ges­tions that might help when try­ing to re­turn to nor­mal eat­ing:

  • If you are an­or­ex­ic, try eat­ing 6-8 small meals per day. Small meals will be easi­er to eat than 3 nor­mal meals. Small meals will not leave you feel­ing quite so bloated and full. It is im­port­ant to re­mem­ber that in the be­gin­ning you will ex­per­i­ence bloat­ing, and that can be un­com­fort­able. Many think this is a sign they are be­com­ing fat, but it is nat­ur­al for this to hap­pen. It is only tem­por­ary and can last from 6-8 weeks. In­stead of think­ing of the bloat­ing as you be­com­ing fat, re­mind your­self that it is a part of the re-feed­ing pro­cess and it is a sign that your body is heal­ing.

  • If you are bul­i­mic or a com­puls­ive eat­er, try eat­ing 3 non-di­et­ing meals and 3 snacks each day. Try to eat them at the same time each day. You may find it be­ne­fi­cial to fol­low a meal plan in the be­gin­ning so that you will know what you will be eat­ing in ad­vance. Do not al­low your­self to eat more than planned. Eat­ing more could lead to feel­ings of, “I’ve blown it,” and may cause you to binge or purge.

  • In the be­gin­ning try to avoid foods that tend to trig­ger a binge or cause feel­ings of guilt af­ter eat­ing. Later on you can re­in­tro­duce those foods into your meals.

  • If an­or­ex­ic, you may wish to be­gin the re-feed­ing pro­cess with foods that will be easi­er to di­gest (ie mashed pota­toes, ma­car­oni cheese, scram­bled egg, etc.) Once the body starts to get used to hav­ing food, you can then be­gin to in­tro­duce more sol­id foods.

  • Throw out your scales! Dif­fi­cult I know but con­stantly check­ing your weight on the scales just makes eve­ry­thing more dif­fi­cult. There­fore get­ting on those scales can pre­vent you from your reach­ing your goal of healthy eat­ing. If it seems too hard to throw the scales away at this point in time, per­haps give them to some­one to look af­ter them and agree that you can check your weight once a week maybe. Also, it is im­port­ant to re­mem­ber that you are not a num­ber, and that num­bers on the scales can nev­er change the per­son you are in­side.

  • After eat­ing, try and dis­tract your­self with an activ­ity you en­joy, or if you feel very un­com­fort­able, try deep breath­ing ex­er­cises.

  • Stop count­ing cal­or­ies. This is an­oth­er tough habit to break free from but con­tinu­ing to count cal­or­ies will pre­vent your from eat­ing nor­mally. Con­cen­trate on learn­ing about what nor­mal eat­ing is. Some­times watch­ing oth­ers eat can help to show you what nor­mal eat­ing really is.

  • Start liv­ing one day at a time and one meal at a time.

  • Some­times it helps to think of food as medi­cine. You may not want to take it, but it is ne­ces­sary for you to eat it in or­der to re­cov­er. You can also think of food as fuel. Your body needs that fuel in or­der to be able to func­tion prop­erly.

  • Re­mem­ber that the voice in your head is ly­ing to you. You need to do the op­pos­ite of what it tells you. If it tells you not to eat, do your best to ig­nore it and eat any­way. By do­ing this, you will be able to start tak­ing back the con­trol the eat­ing dis­order has. 

  • Many peo­ple be­lieve that if they don’t eat, they are the ones in con­trol. The real­ity is, if you do not al­low your­self to eat, the eat­ing dis­order is the one con­trol­ling you.

  • If you ex­er­cise ex­cess­ively, try to slowly cut back.

  • Re­mind your­self con­stantly that NO food will make you fat, as long as it is eaten in mod­er­a­tion.

Nor­mal eat­ing does take time and it should be done slowly so that you do not be­come too over­whelmed. It does take a lot of hard work in the be­gin­ning, but in time it will be­come a nor­mal part of your day.

Knowing when you are physically recovered

It can be hard to tell when you are physically recovered or getting close to being fully recovered physically. It is really difficult to know when you should start to cut down on your calorie intake during recovery, especially if you are trying to recover on your own. I used the following indicators to help me decide when to reduce my intake slightly...

1. I reached a healthy bmi as well as the goal weight that my doctor set for me
2. My bones no longer stuck out unaturally as they used to do
3. I could fit nicely into normal sized clothes once again
4. I no longer felt the cold or suffered from poor circulation like I once dd
5. My pulse rate is normal
6. My figure has returned to the same shape it was before I got anorexia
7. My energy levels increased significantly, as did my strength
8. People no longer stared at me or commented on me being thin
10. My family all told me how fantastic I was looking and told me how proud they were of me

There are still a few indicators that I am not completely physically recovered however which is why I am still eating a recovery intake (more than 2500 calories). These include...

1. I still havent had a natural period
2. My stomach still bloats sometimes and I have a few digestion issues

I am really glad that I have reached a healthy weight and I am even happier that I am able to accept my body at this weight. It is really important that you do not reduce your intake as soon as you reach a minimally acceptable bmi as this does not indicate you have reached a healthy and recovered body state. If you reduce your intake too soon, while you may be an acceptable weight, your internal organs will not be fully repaired and your metabolism and bodily functions may not work efficiently. 

July 2013

July 2015
I think you can even see a huge difference in my face between these two photos. I think my face looks much healthier now. In the first photo my face even looks much thinner then Amy's and Amy is 8 years younger then me.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Day 19: Your favourite movie

My all time favourite movie probably has to be Forest Gump. I have watched it so many times and know lots of the lines off by heart. It is a movie I have watched with my family alot as well, especcially my little brother which makes it even more special. I think it is a truly inspirational and amazing story and it is also really funny. I love all of the quotes that are throughout the film too.

A cold and windy day

During the night last night there was rain and and also lots of wind. I couldn't sleep so I spent most of the night laying awake and watching Pretty Little Liars. My younger brother knocked on my door at about 3:30 am as he had been out at a party and needed somewhere to sleep so I let him in and he went to sleep in my spare room. I absolutely hate not being able to sleep when I have to go to work the following day however it doesnt bother me when I dont need to work.

Being a little tired really doesn't matter if I am not working and I can always just have a little sleep during the day if I feel l ike it. I am going to try my hardest to stay awake as long as possible tonight as I know that falling asleep so early is the main reason why I spend so much time awake during the night and early of a morning. I also want to stay awake to watch master chef as it is one of my favourite shows and there are only two or three episodes left.

It was nice to see my little brother this morning when he got up and he seemed happy to have a bit of a chat with me before mum picked him up which was really nice. I took Tess for a walk in the wind which wasn't all that enjoyable but I guess it wasn't too bad. She still had lots of energy to burn so I took her for a walk to the beach and around the waterloo point walking track. I also spent a few hours doing some studying for my traineeship.

I have found that I just dont get enough time to complete my traineeship theory work whilst I am actually at work so I just need to get in and do it in on the weekends if I ever want to get it finished. I actually dont mind doing my traineeship modules at home aas they are heaps wasier then when I was studying at uni or college and therefore I dont put the pressure on myelf to do anywhere near the amount of work I used to do.

Mum and dad are both briefly calling in this afternoon as well which will be nice as they are delivering some fire wood that they cut up for me. I am very lucky that my dad cuts fire wood for me n our farm as it would cost me a fortune if I had to buy it all the time. I really do enjoy spending time with my family at the oment and love seeing them as much ass possible. I just hope things stay on good terms between us all. Afterall life is way too short for us to spend time mad at one another.

I am hoping that the wind dies down a little this aftetrnoon before I take Tess for another walk but I really don't like my chances. I really cant complain though as this is the first windy day we have had in a really long time and the town I live in is known for being really windy. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back tto work tomorrow as I really do enjoy time off to myself however I dont really mind either. Working keeps my mind busy and I do quite enjoy my job at the bank.

I hope everyone has had a fantastic weekend :) x

Photo food diary from yesterday

Breakfast: Blueberry Oats topped with half a large sliced banana, Wholemeal toast with Cashew spread

Morning Tea: creamy starwberry yoghurt, mandarin and a chocolate fruit and nut bar

Lunch: Cruskits with butter and cheese, a strawberry snak pack and an Apple

Afternoon Tea: 1 mars bar and 1 pear

Tea: fish cakes with Tomato sauce, mashed potato and pumpkin, caulliflowerm carrots and peas

Dessert: Peaches diced in Mango nectar and raspberry ripple icecream

Saturday, 25 July 2015

A walk with my mum

I went for a beautiful walk with mum today while I was visiting my family around our farm. I havent gone for a walk on our farm since I left in February this year so it was so nice to do it again. I used to walk around the farm every single day when I was living at home, in fact today is the first time I woiuld have walked aroud the our farm while avtually being physically healthy, as I had been suffering with anorexia ever siince we moved to our farm, 'The Plains' almost 3 years ago.

Mum and I talked a lot about how she is going and just about life in general which was really nice. I have always loved my mum no matter what and I always will howeer this does not mean that it is not difficult for me still sometimes, as over the years I have really disliked her at times. I think it is wonderful that she is trying so hard to get better and I want to be here for her 100% but it is really hard for me to just forget about all of the hurt and heartbreak she has caused me over the years.

I really do hope that one day I am able to truly forgive her fo what she has put me through but until then, I will just continue to work on our relationship and remain friendly with her. Afterall, I don't want my mum to think that no matter what she does, she will never be able to make up for what has happened in the past. One day I really do think Iwill be able to move on and trust her the way a daughter should trust her mum however I do not feel as I though I can do that yet.

Everytime I feel as though I want to start trusting her fully again I cant help but think about the awful things she would say to me. I cant just forget the past, as much as I would like to at times, but I can keep working in the present to make my future wonderful, which includes forming the motheer daughter relationship with my mum that I have so desperately wanted for so many years. I spent all afternoon at home which was so nice and I am planning to start doing it more often as  I enjoyed it so much.


Day 18: A photograph of yourself

This is a poto of Amy and I at the beach a few years ago. This was my profile picture for a year or so on facebook. I like this picture as we both look so genuinely happy.

Understanding Recovery

Recovery is different for everyone

Recovery from an eating disorder involves overcoming physical, mental and emotional barriers in order to restore normal eating habits, thoughts and behaviours. It is important to acknowledge that recovery is different for everyone.
For many people, recovery from an eating disorder signifies an end to eating disorder attitudes and behaviours and the development of a healthier physical and psychological state of being. This can include returning to social activities, discovering a sense of purpose and integrating back into daily life.
There is no set time for recovery and it is not uncommon for the process to slow down, come to a halt completely or encounter relapses. The pace of each person’s recovery will depend on the Person-Centred treatments and the support they receive.
While this may seem frustrating, it can help to remember that with recovery as the ultimate goal, even the setbacks can be a valuable part of the journey. With the appropriate treatment and a high level of personal commitment, recovery from an eating disorder is achievable.
Evidence also shows that the sooner you start treatment for an eating disorder, the shorter the recovery process will be.

Tips to support a healthy recovery

Focusing on the process of recovery may be a helpful technique to employ, since the end goal of recovery can often seem stressful or unattainable. Many people who have recovered from eating disorders have identified the following themes, which have helped them manage and learn from the recovery process:
  • Support – Feeling supported by those around you will help your treatment and recovery. A circle of support will also decrease the isolation often experienced by people with eating disorders
  • Hope and motivation – Having a strong sense of hope coupled with the motivation to change eating disorder behaviours is the foundation of recovery
  • Healthy self-esteem – Remembering that you are worthwhile will remind you that recovery is worthwhile too
  • Understanding and expressing your emotions – It is normal for a person with an eating disorder to feel a range of emotions and it is helpful to acknowledge and express feelings
  • Acknowledging set-backs – With the focus on recovery, even taking a step backwards can still be making progress
  • Coping strategies – Developing a list of coping strategies that calm you down and help you regulate your emotions can help you during stressful or triggering situations
  • Engaging in activities and interests – Revisiting the things you enjoyed before the development of your eating disorder will build self-esteem and reconnect you with the world around you. For example, if you used to enjoy drawing, taking a pencil and pad to your favourite place can be a helpful and enjoyable experience

To find help in your local area search for support organisations  or for more information on recovery contact the ED HOPE support line.

My morning

I cant believe that it is allready lunch time and I still haven't written a post yet today. After sleeping in to 6:30 (remember for me this is an achievement) I got up and ade myself breakfast before watching many episodes of Pretty Little Liars. I am already up to season 2 and cant turn it off it is so addictive! Eventually I realised that it really was too nice to be stuck inside all day so I got ready and took Tess for a beautiful walk.

When I got home I put all of my washing out on the clothes line that I washed this morning and started tidying my house. I can deal with my house being a litttle untidy but usually once I start cleaning, I go into a bit of a frenzyy until everything is neat and in order again. All I need to do now is vacuum my floor which I will do after I write this post and eat my lunch.

Then I am going to go and visit my cousin and her baby who are in my home town, just for a few hours today. I haven't seen them for ages so it will be so nice to catch up with them. My cousin is only two years older then me so we were really quite close growing up and I have many wonderful memories of the time we would spend together. Now she lived in Hobart though so unfortunately we dont see each other very often at all.

I am so happy for my cousin as she has worked really hard and achieved so much. She has a baby and is also engaged to her wonderful boyfriend. She never went to uni but she has still made a wonderful life for herself and a good career. She was partly what inspired me to leave uni as I could see how wonderful her life was turning out for her and she didnt have any degree. I guess she is the one who showed me that to be happy all you need to do is what you love and what brings you joy.

After I have a visit with her I am planning on going to visit my family up on our family farm where they live, 10 minutes out of town. I am hoping to catch up with my brothers and dad as it feel like I havent seen them for ages. I also want to spend some time with Amy, of course and I might go for a walk with my mum. Walking is something mum and I have always done together and I think it is good for both of us, to be able to spend some time alone with one another.

I hope everybody is having a fantastic Saturday! :)

Friday, 24 July 2015

Accepting your body at a normal weight

I have never been able to accept my body at a normal healthy weight and when I lost weight and got sick, I only became more convinced that I would never be able to be happy and accept my body the way it is naturally supposed to be. Now however, I can honestly say that I am starting to accept my body for the first time in my life. Of course I still have self conscious feeling and thoughts about my body sometimes, but most of the time, I am relatively happy with my body the way it now is.

I wanted to share this with you all so that you dont give up on ever being able to accept your body as I am living proof that it is possible. I hated my body when I was the weight I now am before I ever even got anorexia but now I just apreciate my body for what it is. I dont know if it is because I worked so hard to gain the weight or if it is due to all the positive self talk I have been using but somehow my self esteem in regards to my body has really been transformed. 

I know that I am not naturally supposed to look extremely lean. I will always have curves and a little thin waist. My legs are naturally muscular and I may not always be able to fit into size 6 jeans. Now however, for the first time in my  life I am ok with all of these things. After battling through everything I have been through over the last few years, I have now realised what is truly important in life and being super skinny is definetely not one of those things.

What matters is my happines and I can honestly say that I am happier at the moment then I have been for as long as I can remember. So I suppose being a slightly biggger size then I was once comfortable with really does seem like a tiny sacrifice if it enables me to be truly happy. After being so skinny and bony, I actually like the fact that my hips no longer stick right out. I also dont mind the fact that my figure is becoming more womenly again. 

I used to look at really skinny girls and envy them and feel so jealous of them but now I just feel bad for them as I know hat they may be suffering with. I hate to think of anyone going through the pain and misery that an eating disorder brings to a person. Please keep working on accepting your body at a healthy weight. I promise you it is possible and it feels truly amazing to be able to be happy with yourself, the way you are naturally supposed to be. 

Day 17: Your favourite blogs

The four blogs I have in my reading list are....

A life without Anorexia

My Cocoa stained Apron

Life with Anorexia

How Nutella saved my life

I find reading other peoples recovery blogs just as helpgul as actually blogging myself so thank you so much to the authors of these blogs, you really have helped me to recover. I would really like to start following some other blogs that may or may not be about eating disorders/recovey so please feel free to share the link to your own blog or to share some blogs that you enjoy reading below. x

Focusing less on my weight

I have decided that since weighing my self courses me more anxiety then anything else, I am going to set myself the challenge of not weighing myself for 1 month. I will see how I feel after the month and if I want to, I may continue this challenge even longer. The thing is, I really dont need to know my exact weight to know whether I am healthy or not and I feel ass though seeing my weight go up only makes me feel terrible, whether I can a tully see any difference in myself or my body or not.

Afetrall, why does the number on the scale mater so much anway or even my bmi? I felt as though weighing myself really was necesssary while I was stlll underweight as I needed to make sure I was making enough progress with my weight gain and my mind also was not healthy enough so that I could trust what I saw i the mirror. For example my anorexia would distort my reflection and make me believe l looked much bigger when in fact I had not gined any weight at all.

Now however I trust myself enough to keep a check on my weight by looking at my body and seeing how my clothes fit me. I dont need aa scale to tell me an exact number to know that I am healthy. I believe that this will also let me allow my weight to settle at my natural set point weight if I am yet to reach it as I wont feel anywhere near as anxious about gaining a little extra weight, If I am not weighing myself and therefore have no evidence it is happening.

If anyoe would like to join me on this month without the scale please feel free to do it. Even if you are weighed by a doctor or specilist regularly, you can still participate as you just need to ask if you can do a blind weigh in.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

A couple of photos from tonight

Tea: Chicken breast schnitzel, mashed potato and pumkin with gravy and steamed veggies

Tess sleeping and looking cute as always <3

Dessert: Hot butterscotch pudding with vanilla icecream