Making big changes

In the last few months, I have been thinking a lot about my life at the moment and the future. While doing this I came to the realisation that if I want to stay with my boyfriend, then one of us were going to have to make a move as we live 3 hours apart. So since I definetely want to stay with my boyfriend and miss him A LOT when we are apart, I have decided to move to Launceston with him, which is a city an hour and a half away.

My plan is to work for the year and save some money before possibly going back to university next year. My boyfriends parents own a house in Launceston that we will be living in and my boyfriend plans to continue working in his current job but travel about an hour to get there each day and then another hour to get back. I feel bad that he will have to do so much travelling but also quite honoured that he loves and cares about me enough so that he is willing to travel.

It has been a big decision, to leave my life, job and family behind in Swansea but I am excited for what the future holds. I have decided to make the move up to Launceston over the easter period and honestly cant wait. Although I am not looking forward to actually packing up all my house and cleaning it from top to bottom at all.

Some people have expressed their concern about me giving up my job and moving away to live with someone who I have been with for less then 6 months, but I honestly feel in my heart that it is the best thing to do. Ever since getting sick I have realised that all that truly matters in life is being happy and my boyfriend makes me incredibely happy. So I'm not going to pass up on the opportunity to be with the one person who makes me truly happy out of fear that something could go wrong.

Goodbye to Blogging

This is an extremely hard post for me to write, but I knew that oneday the time would come for me to say this. I just didn't think it would come just so soon. For the last 8 months my blog has helped me more then anything else ever has. I have grown so much stronger both physically and mentally since starting to blog and 99% of the time, I forget that I ever even had anorexia. Now, I just feel like a normal girl who is now starting to live the life she truly deserves, completely free of her eating disorder.

I love helping people who are suffering from eating disorders and always want to be here to help anyone I can however I no longer feel as though regular blogging has a place in my life anymore. In a way, I feel as though it is dragging me down and stopping me from making a full recovery as it is just a constant reminder of where I have been. At the moment, my future is looking incredibely exciting and bright. I have met an amazing boy who I think the world of and I have my wonderful family close by too.

Not only do I simply feel too busy to blog anymore, I also don't want to do it if it is going to prevent me from making a full recovery. The friendships I have made through my blog are so valuable to me and I hope to keep talking to these wonderful people into the future, even if I don't blog anymore. Also, I plan to leave my blog active on-line so that people who are battling with anorexia can still use it as a recovery tool and even contact me, if they want to ask any particular questions or even if they just want to chat.

I know that some of my readers are going to be dissappointed in my decision to stop blogging, but I really hope that you understand this decision and I promise I will still update you all occassionaly on whats going on in my life and how I am doing. I am so thankful for all of your support over the last year and I can honestly say that without you all, I would not be where I am today. Please, never forget that just like me, you are also capable of doing anything you set your mind to. No matter how hard it may seem, you can beat your eating disorder and go on to live a truly wonderful and happy life.

  

How is it Friday already?

It's Friday morning here in Australia and I cant believe another work week is already over. It is really scary how fast time is flying by which I think is a good reminder about why we need to take action and start fighting our eating disorders sooner rather than later. I spent years just existing and hoping that I would one day get better before Icam eto tthe realisation that in order to get better, I needed to fight. Life is way to short to waste it sick with an eating disorder so I highly reccommend you start fighting as hard as you possibly can and try and get well as soon as possible.

Although it is the last day of the working week for most, my working week is literally only just beginning. I had a lovvely day off yesterday just pottering around the house and taking Tess for a few walks. Whilst I was on my first walk I rang an old friend called Ella so it was really nice to catch up with her. Mum joined Tess and I on our second walk so that was also nice. I got all of my housework done which was great and also went to the school to watch my little sisters school assembly. After having a lovely day off yesterday, I am feeling energized and positive about starting 6 more days of work today.

I am working at the supermarket all weekend however throughout the winter we close at 4:30 on the weekends instead of 5:45 so it is really nice to have an extra hour or so in the evenings to myself. I am still going out for tea with my two cousins and another friend tomorrow night too which I am really looking forward to. I think the girls are planning on staying out for a while after tea which should be fun however I will try not to go to bed too late as I will still have to be at work at 8:30 the next morning. I wish that I wasn't working however I was not going to let this stop me from going out and enjoying myself.

I better go and start getting ready for work as I still have heaps to do. I have to iron my clothes for work, get myself dressed and ready, walk Tess and make myself some lunch all before driving the 30 minutes to work. I hope that you all have an enjoyable Friday and an even better weekend :)

Just need to keep moving forward

The most important advice I think that can ever be given is to just keep moving forward, no matter what. No matter what goes wrong or what mistakes you may make, nothing is ever too hard to overcome.

This is what I have continued to do, time and time again throughoout my recovery so far and this is exactly what I intend to do to move past this latest accident I was in. I can't bring my car back and I know that no matter how much I worry and feel guilty for what happened, I cant change the past. I know that I just need to accept what has happened and keep moving forward and fighting for the life I deserve to live.

Since having my accident, I have started looking at a few things a little differently. Firstly, knowing that I could have so easily died today makes me realise just how much I have been taking my life for granted. To me, this gives me even more reason to keep fighting my anorexia, so that I can truly make the most of this wonderful life that I have.

I also know that I could have also been really badly injured in the accident and this has made me appreciate my body for everything it does for me and has made me want to treat it with the respect it truly deserves. I am lucky enough to still have all of my organs and limbs working perfectly well so now I feel as though I want to look after them all, as best as I possibly can.

As much as I try, I know that I am not going to be able to just forget my accident however I am still going to try my absolute hardest to just keep moving forward, as I always do. To be honest, I have actually taken what has happened reasonabely well and I honestly think it is because of everything I have already been through in my life so far.

I think I already have already deeloped a pretty good idea of what is truly important in life throughout my illness and luckily, I still have all of those things. So for now, I just plan to stay grateful for all of the wonderful things I have left in my life and to keep moving forward, using all of the strength and determination I know that I contain.

day 15: where you will be in 5 years

Of course there is no way of knowing exactly where I will be in 5 years time but I will share with you where I would like to be. I think that I will most likely still be living in Swansea, not necessarily in the same unit I am currently in but wherever I am I will have Tess, my dog with me. I hope that in 5 years time I will have a boyfriend and some new friends too.

I will still be working at the bank and will have completed my traineeship. I really hope that I have a good relationship with all of my family members, including my mum. My younger sisyter will be 17 then and I will be there for her no matter what. I want her to always feel as though she has someone there for her so that she never suffers in silence ythe way I did for so long

Of course, I hope I will be completely recovered from anorexia and I will accept myself for who Iam truly supposed to be (insode and out). I hope that I will be fit and healthy, all while having a healthy relationship with exercise and food. Hopefully I will be able to eat completely intuitively and wwill have no or desire to count calories.

In 5 years time, I will no longer being someone suffering from anorexia, nor will I be someone recovering from anorexia. In five years time I will be able to say that I HAD anorexia and that I RECOERED. I hope to be helping others who suffer from eating disorders in some way and making all those who have lost hope realise that recovering is possible and that there is life after an eating disorder.

If some one had asked me 12 months ago where I would be in 5 years, I probably wold have just saif alive. I dd not feel as though there was any real poiint in planning my life as I wasn't even convinced that I would ever get past my anorexia. Now I know that I can do it and I am so excited to see what life has in store for me, once I make a full recovery.

My 101 in 1001

I thought that this was a fantastic idea as I believe the best way to actually get things done is to write them down and set yourself a time frame to complete them in. I got the idea to do this from Izzy's blog and have decided that I will also add the list to my pages so that I can cross the things off as I do them and show you my progress.

1. Travel outside the country for the first time
2. Make a full recovery from anorexia
3. Meet Anna, a girl I started talking to through my blog who also lives in Tasmania
4. Do a fun run for a charity
5. Eat pannacotta
6. Make some new friends
7. Find myself a boyfriend
8. Reach 100 000 page views on my blog
9. Publish 1000  blog posts
10. Help someone  make a full recover from anorexia
11. Stop counting calories all together
12. Learn how to listen to my body and eat intuitively
13. Reach my bodies natural set point weight
14. Eat food from 5 different fast food Places
15. Go to the Taylor Swift concert in Melbourne with My dad and Amy
17. Drive in the city of Hobart
18. Learn to love my body the way it is supposed to naturally be
19. Raise money/awareness for eating disorders
20. Explore some more of Tasmania
21. Go on a week long camping trip
22. Eat a chicken Parmiagana meal at a pub
23. Fully complete a crossword without usng the internet to cheat
24. Develop a good relationship with my mum
25. Try to find way to show Dad and Amy how much they mean to me
26. Get a horse
28. Help my mum to get better
29. To get my hair back to being naturally curly, like it was before I got sick
30. Read 10 books
31. Get healthy and clear skin
32. Eat a delicious dessert at a restaurant without feeling guilty or anxious
33. Go to a gold class cinema
34. Go surfing
35. Sleep under the stars
36. Sleep in until after 12
37. Paint Tess's dog kennel pink
38. Climb a mountain
39. Have a ski lesson in the snow
40. Get contact lenses
41. Meet a famous person
42. Overcome my anxiety so that I do not need to take anxiety medication
43. Try Ben and Jerrys icecream
44. Eat a krispy Kreme donut
45. Find a brand new hobby
46. Eat a big slice of my nans home made christmas pudding
47. Feel comfortable in a bikini
48. Go snorkeling on a reef
49. Eat popcorn at the movies
50. Make a snowman
51. Do a huge jigsaw and frame it for my wall
52. Cook and eat every recipe that I wrote down in my 'favourite recipes' book
53. Spend some more time on our farm with my dad
54. Keep improving my blog, as I learn more and more about effective blogging
55. Send a parcel of Australian goodies to a reader in another country
56. Get more involved in my local community
57. Buy some presents and place them under the giving tree this christmas
58. Always be there for Amy throughout her teenage years for support
59. Develop a closer relationship with my brothers
60. Make more of an effort to visit the nan who I do not see very often
61. Watch 5 north Melbourne football games live with my dad
62. To actually go swimming when I take my sister to the beach/river in summer
63. Eat a cooked breakfast in a cafe
64. Eat real pizza from a Pizza restaurant
65. To comfortably have drinks with calories in them, just because I am thirsty
66. To make a christmas Gingerbread house
67. To stay out with friends so late that we watch the sun rise
68. Get fit
69. complete my traineeship at the bank (but keep working there)
70. Take Amy on a special weekend away
71. Grow my own Strawberries
72. Make homemade jam
73. Not weigh myself for 2 months
74. Go ice skating
75. Eat only unprocessed foods for 1 week straight
76. See fireworks on New Years
77. Do the mud run
78. Become an organ donor
79. Go for 1 week without watching tv
80. Stop picking at imperfections on my skin so that I stop scarring
81. To sleep on a boat/ship
82. To not feel any guilt, after being unable to exercise all day
83. To be able to accept a compliment from another person
84. Try every type of magnum icecream available
85. Eat two courses at a resaurant without feeling anxious
86. To eat less tinned/ packaged foods and to start making them myself from scratch
87. See dolphins/whales in the wild
88. Find a brand new form of exercise that I enjoy
89. Spend less time inside and more time outside (especially in summer)
90. Make it through a whole summer without getting sunburnt
91. See something that makes me believe in magic
92. Run 10 kilometers along a beach
93. Make 10 new friends in one day
94. Get a tattoo that symbolises my recovery
95. Eat pancakes with icecream for breakfast
96. Eat icecream from the tub with a good friend
97. Laugh so hard that I cry (I did this all the time once, but I havent for a long time )
98. Maintain my weight/not lose weight for 1 year
99. Do a colour run
100. Donate blood

101. To be proud of what I manage to achieve and who I am 

Do I believe in fate?

What inspired me to write this post today is a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was back at my old high school and had to take part in a huge debate about whether or not there was such a thing as fate. The dream ended up turning into a bit of a nightmare really, as when it was my turn to talk in front of the huge audience, I started to have a panic attack and had no idea what to say. I was happy when I woke up and realised it had all been a dream but even after waking I continued to think about the question of fate.

After reading the following definition online, I decided that I definetely do not believe in fate. 'The development of events outside a person's control, regarded as predetermined by a natural super power.' I believe that anyone has the power to make almost anything happen in their lives, they just need to work for it and believe it is possible. If there was such a thing as fate and if everything was predetermined, there would be no point in trying to do anything at all.

For instance if I believed in fate, I would believe that my destiny had already been decided. And that I was either going to recover from Anorexia or I wasn't and that there was nothing I could do to change it. So if there was nothing I could do change my fate, what would be the point in even trying to recover? I know tthat it is impossible to recover from Anorexia while just sitting around and hoping that it happens. You need to go out and work for it and MAKE it happen. 

I think that the worst thing people can do is to believe in fate as then they do not feel as though they need to work at anything. If someone doesn't study for a test and then fails it, they should not try and blame failing the test on fate. The reason they failed the test is because they did not study and put in the effort required to pass. The same thing goes with preparing for a job interview, if the applicant believes that they do not need to try their hardest, as whether or not they get the job has already been decided by fate, I almost guaruntee they will not get the job. If they had put more effort into their interview however, their chances would have been much better.

When unfortunate and unforseen events happen, I do no think that it was always going to happen due to fate. I don't think there were any supernatural forces pulling a person into that partiular unfortunate destiny, but that it just happened because these types of things happen sometimes. We cant always stop these types of things happening but I do not think they are predetermined either. I do not believe that I am still alive today because it was not my fate to die of anorexia. I believe that I am still alive today because I decided that I truly wanted to recover and I am willing to do everything I need to do in order to get better. 

While some people believe in fate, I will always choose not to as I believe that we hold most of the power to make our lives exactely what we want them to be. There may be some limitations or unfortunate and unforseen things that stand in our way sometimes, but this does not mean we should instantly accept them as part of our destiny. I dont think that anything in my future is predetermined and this is why I will always try my hardest and do my best. I truly believe that good things happen to people who work hard for them or even by luck, but certainly not due to fate.    

My current thoughts

I have been thinking a bit lately, about how my life still seems to be completely centred around food and weight. The truth is, these two things seem to be what my life still revolves around at the moment, just as it did when I was at my sickest, before I entered recovery. Everyday seems to be the same. making sure I eat all of my meals and restricting my pshysical activity so that I am able to gain the weight I need to. Going to work most days and resting on my days off. Grocery shopping and cooking; these are all things I do each day but they all revolve around the same things.

I have also been thinking about the fact that 99% of my blog posts are also written about Anorexia, weight and food and it makes me wonder whether it is too much. Should I be trying to write about other things too, to keep it more interesting for my readers? At the end if the day this is a recovery blog so recovery will always be the main focus of my blog however I would like to try and add more about the rest of my life too. The problem is, I dont really know what else there is in my life worth writing about.

I feel as though through having anorexia I have lost my identity. I dont really have a social life, besides the people I work with and I dont really have many hobbies or interests. Its as if the time I spent really sick made me forget what its like to have a life outside of food, weight and calories and now I need to try and get my real life back. While I think it is important to make eating and weight gain priorities while you are recovering, I believe you need to have other things to concentrate on as well.

I worry that when the time comes to try and let go of my anorexia all together, as I have reached the end of my recovery, I wont know what to do with my life. I need to have other hobbies or interests so that my life is not just empty, once recovery is no longer the main focus of it. But how do I find other things to focus my time and energy on? It is difficult, living in a small town. There are no sporting opportunities for girls and there are hardly any other people my age living in the town.

At this stage, after I recover I still plan to continue blogging, even if its not quite as often as I currently do. I feel that once I am fully recovered I will have even more advice and knowledge to offer to those who are suffering and that need help. Ever since I developed anorexia I have wanted to help people who suffer from it, as I know just how impossible everything can seem. I want to show people that it is possible, that you can get better and recover so that you can live a perfectly happy and healthy life.

I need other things for my life to revolve around too though. I mean, obviously I would love to find an amazing guy to have a relationship with but I worry that I will never meet anyone because I never go anywhere or do anything. Does anyone have any advice for me? Does anyone know how to make your life about more that just weight and food, both in recovery and after it?

Day 20: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I have absolutely no idea where I will be in 10 years time and in all honesty, I think I would rather not know. The only thing I truly hope for is that I am completely recovered from anorexia and that I am living a completely normal and healthy life but as for everything else, anything is possible. I have no idea where I will live, where I will work, whether I will have a partner or whether I will have kids, but im ok with that. Yes it is scary not knowing where I will end up but it is also exciting.

My whole life I thought I knew exactely what I wanted and where I was headed but my anorexia has taught me that none of us can predict the future. We just need to make the most of our lives while we are here and do everything in our power to make sure our futures are wonderful. No matter what your dreams in life may be, always remember that it is possible to make them come true, but only if you are willing to work incredibely hard for them.

Day 10: list 5 goal you have for yourself (they may be long term or short term)

1. To not give into my anorexia or listen to anything it tells me

In order to recover, I know that I cant listen to any of my anorexic thoughts. Everytime you listen tonyour anorexia you are making it stronger and yourself weaker. Unfortunatel I cannot choose to stop myself getting these anorexic thoughts but I do have the ability to ignore them. My goal is to do the complete opposite of anything my anorexia tells me to do and I will try to not let my anorexia make me feel awful about myself. Eventually, if I continue to ignore my anorexic voice it will fade away and dissappear all together.

2. To reach a normal bmi (above 18.5)

Reaching a minimally acceptable bmi is a short term goal of mine but not my ultimate weight gain goal. I want my body and mind to be healthy and strong and since I did not have a bmi of 18.5 before I got sick, so I think I will need to continue gaining some weight after this point to ensure my body is able to repair properly.

3. To continue to gain weight until I reach my bodies natural set point
Your body will only be able to work optimally at its natural set point which is the weight I want to reach. I dont want to spend my life dieting or trying to fight for a body that isn't supposed to be mine. I honestly dont know what my bodies natural set point is yet but I will do my best to figure it out. Both of my parents are thin people so I dont think it would be incredibely high but I just want to be healthy and happy.

4. To learn how to eat intuitively

After reaching a bmi of 18.5 my goal is to start trying to eat intuitively. For those who dont know, eating intuitively involves listening to your body and allowing your body to tell you what and how much to eat. This will allow me to stop counting calories and allow me to develop a much healthier ralationship with food. I dont plan on changing over to eating completely intuitively from my meal plan in a single day but to do it really gradually, so that I can slowly teach myself how to trust and listen to my body effectively. If I learn to eat intuitively and am fit and healthy, my body weight should settle around my natural set point.

5. To learn to love my new body
I know that it will be hard for me to accept my new body weight. The truth is, I like being thin (or my anorexia likes it anyway) and at times I know I will feel uncomfortable about my new weight. I am determined however to learn how to cope with these types of feelings without trying to lose weight, so I can accept myself for who I am. I know that the healthier I become mentally and physically, the more easily I will find it to accept my new body.

I think that having goals in recovery is incredibely important and helpful. Feel free to comment some goals you have set yourself and are currently working on below :).

Day 8: if you could go back in time (before your disorder) what would you tell yourself

I have so much I would want to tell myself in the hope that it would stop me from going down the terrible path I took which led to me developing my anorexia. I had no idea about how awful eating disorders were until it was too late. Perhaps if I had known how serious eating disorders are and how hard they are to overcome, I would have done more to prevent myself from developing one.

If I could go back I would tell my myself that being skinny does not make you happy. I was so convinced that I would be happier if I was thin but this definetely was not the case. In fact I was much unhappier once I lost 20 kg through my eating disorder then I was to begin with. Now I realise that if you feel uncomfortable with your body, losing weight is not the answer. The right answer is to change the way you feel about yourself by learning to love who you are.

I would tell myself that there are other non harmful coping skills that I can use to deal with my anxiety other than by controlling my food and weight. Afterall, starving yourself only makes your anxiety worse. I would make myself realise that there was nothing wrong with my body before I got sick. I was never overweight or fat. I was always healthy and fit and more importantly, I was always happy. I can see now that I didnt need to change anything about myself.

Me at my heaviest ever weight. No I wasnt super skinny but I was healthy and happy which is so much more important.

I would tell myself that nobody in the world is perfect and that I shouldn't expect myself to be either. Trying to make yourself look 'perfect' will only ever lead to dissapointment because there will always be things about yourself that you aren't completely happy with.  I hate the way society makes everyone feel as though they need to be super skinny in order to have the perfect body and be successful. If I could go back I would tell myself that society is wrong, that there is nothing perfect about being skinny.

While it would be nice to have a time machine, unfortunately I dont. I do not feel as though worrying about could've or would've beens now can help me in my recovery. Its time to stop dwelling on what has happened in the past as it is too late to change it now. We can however learn from the past and use this knowledge of past experiences to help us in our present day lives and into the future. It took me 3 long years to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. Without having anorexia I would have never found out just how much inner strength I have. My illness has shown me that nothing is impossible and that we really are the creators of our own destiny. I feel as though as long as I am able to fully recover, getting sick will actually allow me to live a better more successful life in the future as it has shown me the meaning of life and what is truly important.

Day 7: what are two things you want, what are two things you need

Typically I am not the type of person who wants things I dont really need. Most of the things that I want in life, I do actually need. For example I dont really buy clothes unless I actually need them and the same goes with food. There are a few materialistic type things things I buy myself however that I dont need like DVDs, my new phone and tablet.

There are also a few important things I dont really need that I want. For example I really want to help others who suffer from eating disorders to recover, both now through my blog and also in the future.

I know how hard recovery is and if I can make anybody elses recovery even just a little bit easier, then this will make me very happy. Ultimately I would love to have a job that allowed me to help sufferers, whether it was as a nurse, social worker, dietician etc. I think that it is also important to break down the stigma associated with anorexia. Unfortunately too many people fail to see anorexia for what it actually is, a very serious and life threatening illness.

Something else I want but dont necessarily need is to be able to have kids oneday. For me this involves finding the right guy, possibely getting married and being able to fall pregnant. I do worry that after all the damage I have done to my body that I will never be able to fall pregnant and have kids but I really hope that this isn't the case. If for some reason I couldn't have kids naturally, either because I never found the right guy or because I was infertile I would still want to have a family some other way.

I consider my needs to be things that I do not only need in order to survive but also what I need in order to truly 'live' while I am alive. Something I have learnt through being sick is that there is a big difference between living and surviving.

Something I feel as though I need is more of a social life. Yes, I know that to survive I dont absolutely need to have friends but to have a healthy balanced life you do need to have friends to socialise with. I have grown away from many of my friends since being sick and there are not many young people living in the town that I do. Hopefully through my jobs I am able to find new friends and that I am also able to repair some of my old friendships too. 

Another thing I feel like I need is to make a full recovery from anorexia. Again while it may be possible to suvive in a half recovered state, I wouldn't be truly living unless I manage to fully recover. I need to be able to live a life that is not revolved around anorexic thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I need to learn how to love and respect myself and believe that I deserve to recover in order to do so.