Having healthy relationship with exercise

If I had woken up on any morning over the last few years and had heard the rain, I would have most likely have instantly felt sick and anxious. The thought of being unable to go for my daily walk would have once terrified me, however this moning I did not have any of these feelings at all when I woke up to the sound of rain on my roof. In fact, I was incredibely excited to hear the rain as we are in desperate need of rain where I live at the moment and it is just what our farm needs.

I admit, that I do exercise a lot as my dog needs lots of exercise and I enjoy it too. Somtimes I find myself wondering if my relationship with exercise is uhealthy. Sometimes I do not know if I actually enjoy walking, or if it is actually my anorexia that just enjoys t so much. Feeling this way this morning was great though as it showed me that I don't have an unhealthy relationship with exercise. Feeling fine about having rest days because I am tired, too busy or because it is raining shows that my eating disorder does not control my exercise!

 To me, feeling completely fine about exercising proves that I do not use exercise as a form of compensation for eating. I just exercise because it makes me happy and makes me feel good. For example even though I knew I wouldn't get for my moring walk today, I still ate the same sized breakfast and morning tea as I usually do. It is uhealthy to feel as though you can only eat if you exercise. Sure eating gives you the energy you need to exercise, but you need food whether you exercise or not.

Best summer yet

Even though it is only the second month of spring, the weather has been particularly hot over the last week or so. Although I have been working a lot so haven't been able to take full advantage of the beautiful weather, I have still really enjoyed walking Tess in the mornings and evenings and the warm weather really has made me start to feel excited for summer.

Summer has always been my favourite season however I haven't really enjoye one since back in 2011, before I developed my eating disorder. The last few summers I have been far too anorexic to do all of the great things that I think summer is all about.

I have missed out on lots of things over the last few years like heading to the beach with my family, going for a swim, eating icecream, drinking with friends, going to barbeques and spending time outdoors. Now that I am healthy and feel like my old self again, I am so excited for this summer and plan to make it my best Summer yet.

I have already made plans to go camping with friends, go swimming at the beach and river with my sister, go out and meet new people and do some partying too. I am also hoping to get to a music festival of some kind. Of course I will still have to work, but on my days off and on weekends I plan to get out and truly enjoy the sunshine.

And then... It rained

I has been raining since about 3 o'clock this morning which is a huge relief. I am trying to be positive by seeing  the rain as a sign that today will be a much better day then yesterday and that the thing that has been worrying me since yesterday, is going to be ok. To most people, rain is probably seen as a negative thing however when you live on a farm, it is literally like gold.

We are currently in a drought and since my family have a farm, this effects us sigificantly. There is currently no grass for the sheep and we also have no pasture to fatten our lambs on this summer. This means we will either have to pay to agist our sheep elsewhere or we will have to sell them off really early which will also make us lose a lot of money.

I don't know if the rain will stop for long enough for me to take Tess for a quick walk before work or not. Getting out and clearing my head would probably do me some good but at the same time, I am finding it really difficult to get motivated to do anything. I have 1000 thoughts racing around my mind and I just hope with all of my heart that everything works out today and the thing I am worried about will be resolved.

I hope that everyone has a good day. And remember that no matter how bad things may seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. This is what I keep telling myself anyway.

Another gorgeous Spring day

As it is Thursday today I have the day off which I am really happy about. I plan to make the most of today and get everything done I need to do as well as to spend some time relaxing as well. I have to work for the next 6 days after today, including this weekend so I won't get another chance to relax or get things done for a while.

While I would rather not work every third weekend so I could just have every weekend to myself, I know that I really have no choice but to continue to work every third weekend as ottherwise I would struggle too much financially. I get paid weekend rates when I work at the supermarket on the weekends so it really is good money, which comes in very handy when you are living on your own and have to pay all of your bills by yourself.

I am about to take Tess for a walk outside which I am really looking forward to as it is really warm and sunny. It feels so good to be able to get outdoors in shorts and a tank top after having such a freezing cold winter. I hope that we have a hot summer this year so that I can make the most of being well enough to swim and get outdoors. The ast few summers I havent really been able to or have wanted to do a lot as my life still revolved around my anorexia.

I hope that everyone is feeling positive and happy today like me. Always remember that no matter how bad things may seem, they can always get better but only if you believe in yourself and continue to fight with everything you've got!

A magical morning

What I love about spring

I am so glad that it is finally spring as it has already started to warm up a little bit. I have always loved spring so much, probably because I have always lived on a farm and in my opinion spring is the best time to be living on a farm. I love having lots of baby farm animals around as well as baby wild life too. We have lots of lambs at home at the moment however unfortnatlly I havent had a chance to go and check on them with my dad like I usually do. We also have some wild deer living on our farm at the moment which will have baby fawns soon so they will be a beautiful sight for sure.

A few pictures from last springg

Looking after lambing ewes really is a full time job as it is quite common for lambs to get stuck and for the ewes to be unable to deliver their lambs naturally. So when that happens we have to go and pull the lambs out. Sometimes the ewes die so we have to look after the lambs ourselves and other times the ewes are incredibely weak so we have to take them back to a shed wheer we can nurse them back to health. We have always loved botttle rareing lambs and also calves and feel as though it was a good thing to do as a child as it taught me a great deal of responsibility.

Amy with a coule of our baby lambs over the years

It is quite warm each morning when I walk Tess however by lunch time it is always back to being cold and windy. I love getting out in the fresh air to walk Tess of a morning and I feel as though it makes me feel incredibely energized for the rest of the day. And of course Tess really enjoys it too! Tess is such a good girl when we go out walking that I don't even have to walk her on a lead. She just trots along 5 or 10 metres in front of me the whole way. All I have to do is ask her to wait and she does. Considering I never actually traied her to do this, I am so lucky that she is so well bahaved.

While I love spring, I prefer the teperature in Summer. I am really hopeful that we have a good summer this year with lots of hot weather. After the expecally cold winnter we have had, I think we deserve a nice and hot Summer! What is your favourite season? What is the weather like in your part of the world at the moment?

Waking up happy

I love waking up feeling positive and happy and luckily that is exactly how I woke up this morning. The first thing I noticed as soon as I woke up is that the worst part of my cold has finally passed. My throat feels completely fine, my nose is no longer running ad is head is no longer feeling congested and achy. I am not the type of person who complains or feels sorry for myself whilst I am sick but I must admit it was a nice feeling waking up this morning and feeling so much better today.

I think it is so easy to take feeling healthy for granted and it is only when you have been unwell and then start feeling better again that you really appreciate feeling well and healthy. My mind feels so much clearer and luckily, all of my thoughts are positive ones. I can allready tell that today is going to be a really good day and  I don't mind at all that I have to work. 

At the moment it is raining so I dont know if I will be able to take poor Tess for a walk or not. I feel fine at the prospect of not taking her for a walk wich is really good, as not being able to exercise would have made me quite anxious, not that long ago. Being a farm girl, you would never catch me complaining about the rain anyway as we are desperate need of it. So I am thrilled that it is raining really and hope that it contiues to rain all day.

Like we often are here, we are in the middle of a drought which is pretty awful. It literally means that there is no grass for our sheep and that they therefore are starving. We feed them as much grain and hay as possible but of course this is extremely expensive and we just cant afford to feed them that much. What makes things worse is that we are lambing at the moment and because the ewes are quite weak, it is even harder for them to give birth to their lambs and look after them. :(

I am glad that I am feeling better and more energetic as this has really ended up being quite a busy weekend with, working both today and tomorrow and also going out tonight with some friends. I am so glad that  am not feeling anxious or sressed about going out tonight as I oce would have been, just happy and excited! 

I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Does anyone have anything interesting planned? x

    

Windy weather and Wednesday weigh-in

I can honestly say that after not walking as much as I usually do yesterday, I didn't compensate in any way. I still ate just as much as I usually do and only took Tess for a small walk when I got home yesterday afternoon. It had actually stopped raining yesterday morning before I went to work but I didnt walk Tess anyway as I wanted to challenge my anorexia and prove I could be stronger. I have decided to try and 'miss' walks more often as I want to be able to feel completely fine when I dont exercise as much. Feeling guilty for not exercising is not a healthy behaviour and something I need to overcome.

Last night it was extremely windy. While wind is not uncommon where I live, I have never seen winds as strong and powerful as that. It was quite scary as my whole house rattled and shook and I could hear huge bangs and crashes from outside throughout the night. I let Tess sleep inside all night as it would have simply been too dangerous to put her outside so I think she was happy it was so windy. I hope that there isnt too much damage done around the area but i'm guessing there will be atleast some. Luckily the wind had died down now and it is relatively calm outside. Despite all of the wind I still got a pretty good nights sleep so I am feeling ready to start another day of work. Today I work at the supermarket from 8:30am until 5:45pm but hopefully
the day doesn't go too slowly.

Since it is Wednesday it is also my official weigh day. After being dissapointed with my weight on Sunday (you can read about it here), I felt a little nervous about stepping on the scale. I wasn't scared about gaining weight, but more scared that I may not have gained any weight even after increasing my intake on Sunday. I was glad to see that my weight had gone up 500g since Sunday (which is an overall increase of 300g since last Wednesday). Obviously adding in more food to my meal plan on Sunday did the trick so I have decided I will not need to increase my intake again today. Hopefully I dont need to increase my intake again as I honestly dont know what meal I would increase but I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

While I am coping ok with my current weight, I am really worried that it wont be long before i'm really not ok about it. Although I am feeling positive about the changes I am making now, I honestly think that I will find it much harder to fight my anorexic thoughts as my body starts to change. I feel like gaining weight will be like adding fuel to the fire, where my anorexia is the fire. I know I shouldnt waste time and energy worrying about this now as worrying wont stop it from happening but it is difficult for me not to. For now I know I just need to take my recovery one day, one meal and one bite at a time.

What is everybody elses experience of this? Did you find recovery continuously got easier or did it start to get harder again as you started to get closer to your goal weight?