A new 'letter to my anorexia'

Firstly, I am going to repost the first letter I wrote to my anorexia, last year whilst I was still gaining weight and having to fight my anorexia more actively. Then I will write a new letter, which should explain how I feel towards my anorexia now that I am very close to being fully recovered.

Old letter...

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly



New letter...

To my anorexia,

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable. 

Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery. 

When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.

Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am.  Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.

I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.

Yours sincerely, 
Karly

In case no one told you today

Getting anorexic thoughts more often

I am still feeling much better and no longer consider myself to be 'suffering' from an eating disorder anymore, however I admit I still do get anorexic thoughts sometimes. Lately, I feel as though I have been getting more and more of these anorexic thoughts regarding eating and exercise and the only explanation I can think of is that it is due to the few kilos I have accidentally lost over the last month or so.

I really didnt mean to lose this weight however it just seemed to happen as my eating routine was changed quite a bit when I moved  to Launceston. I also wasnt keeping a check on my weight as I was before I moved so had no idea I was actually losing weight. I suppose that this just goes to show how sensitive my body still is to change and that I really do need to make an extra special effort to ensure that I am giving my body the energy it needs.

Obviously my weight has fallen slightly below my healthy natural set point weight, which has caused me to have more unhealthy thoughts. Most likely due to my brain chemistry not being as stable as it was when I was a few kilos heavier. The types of thoughts I have been having have not been about wanting to lose weight or be smaller than I already am. They have more been about being frightened I am eating too much or not exercising enough, which will lead to weight gain.

I have been trying my best to challenge these thoughts and am trying to do the opposite of what they tell me to do but it is proving to be quite difficult. I know in my heart that I need to change something, as otherwise I can see things spiralling out of control and I really dont want to risk having a relapse. I know that I really am yhe luckiest girl in the world to have found my wonderful boyfriend and I love my life so much, I really dont want anything to ruin that.

So I think that my best option is to try and regain the weight I have recently lost. This will hopefully get me back to my healthy set point (the weight where I am able to think most rationally and healthily). This will also mean that I will be doing exactly what my anorexic thoughts arent telling me to do, which I know from experience will make me stronger again and my anorexia weaker again. I dont expect this is going to be easy however I have done it once, so I know I can do it again! I am strong enough to do this!

Afterall, even though gaining weight seems a little scary, I  was perfectly happy with my weight before I lost weight, so there is no reason why I cant be perfectly happy at that weight again.

Falling into anorexia's trap

It scares the absolute hell out of me, just how easy it is to fall back into anorexia's trap, without even realising it. The thing is, no matter how hard you try not to, relapsing or even just moving backwards a little in your recovery can happen to anyone, without you even realising it.

Over the last few days, I have come to the realisation that in a way, this has in fact appened to me. Fortunately I have realised that my anorexia was starting to control me a little more again before it actually caused me to lose any weight or hurt myself in any other way but iit has still been a huge eye opener to me, to see how easily relapse can actually happen.

I never thought that I was at risk of relapsing. I felt as though I was too aware of the warning signs and would never let my anorexia get any worse again but that is exacttly what has happened, ever since I cut my intake down a little and decided to stop trying to gain weight.

All of the things were only tiny, almost unnoticable to most but I can now see how doing those things meant listening to my aorexia, which was giving it strength. I can also see how this could quite easily have gotten out of hand and lead to me relapsing. I am just so grateful that I have realised what was happening, before this happened. Afterall, I have worked way too hard and come too far to throw it all away now.

I think that the reason anorexia started to creep back in is because I decided that I no longer had to gain any more weight, which made me start fearing weight gain once again, just as much as before. This lead to me using my kitchen scals to check the weights of things like muesli bars and fruit and a few times I even weighed out portions of nut butter for my toast.

I can see now how dangerous behaviours like these are whilst in recovery frm an eating disorder however at the time, it didn't feel dangerous. When I asked myself whether  I should weigh the food or not, I ad a voice reply and say that it was completely fine to weigh the food, afterall it was only a one off thing. Now I can see, plain as fday that it was my aorexias voice telling me that and not my own.

Before I cut my intake down and I was trying tto gain weight, I was not as compelled to know exactely how many calories I was eating as I knew that if i did by ny chance eat a little extra, this would only lead to the tiniest bit of weight gain, if any at all and that it was ok as that is what I was trying to achieve anyway. But once I stopped trying to gain weight, I started fearing eating too much again and I also stared fearing weight gain.

Also, I have found that since I have started exercising more most days, I am feeling more compelled to exercise more naad more. I feel guilty if I dont get for a long walk and I have also started taking more notice if my 'daily steps' counter on my phone. I never actually put this counter on my phone, it was just there when I got it but in the last few days, I have decided that I need to turn it off.

At first I actually found this little app quite interesting and it wasn't harmful as I didn't actually really care how many steps I took each day. But since I stopped restricting my exercise as much, I have started to feel guilty if I do not reach my usual amount of steps on any one day. This lead to me going for longer walks then I necessarily felt like some afteroons, just so tthat I could reach that articular number of steps.

Once again, at the time I didn't actually rrecognise the fact that this was actually me listening to my anorexia but now Ican see it. Yesterday morning as I was planning out my day, I realised that I would only havee enough time to take Tess for one big walk. Thoughts started to appear in my mind about whether or not I should compensate for this by eating less, or whether I should go for an extra long walk that morning.

I am so glad that I recognised that it was my anorexia making me think those things and that I therefore needed to take action and fight it. I decided to take Tess only for a very short walk yesterday morning and reiminded myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with exercising less, or even not at all some days. Healthy exercise is not about reaching any silly goals like calories burned or steps taken, it is about exercising as much as you enjoy on any partcular occasion.

In a way, I am actually glad that this has happened as it is the exact wake up call that I needed. Even though I thought I already knew it, this has actually shown me that recovery does not stop once you reach a healthy weight. In order to make a full recovery, you need to keep fighting your thoughts and challenging yourself, even after you have reached a healthy weight.

My goal always has been to reach my natural setpoint weight so I should not stop myself from gaining any more weight if that is what my body wants to do. This just indicates that I have not yet quite reached my natural set point weight. I think I have made myself an easy target for over the last few weeks as I made the mistake of letting my guard down when I thought I had reached a healthy weight.

Now I know how easily letting your anorexia back in can be I am not going to make the same mistakes again. I have decided that my intake is going to be a daily bare minimum and that if I ever feel like extra food, I am going to eat it as that is exactly what my anorexia doesn't want me to do. I also feel as though this is a good step to take to prepare myself for eating intuitively in the future and for reaching my natural set point weight, if I have not already reached it.

I have also taken it upon myself to turn off my step counter on my phone and to take a step back when it comes to exercise. It is not healthy to feel guilty for not exercising as much which is exactly why I need to face this fear and not exercise as much, if at all some days. f I ever feel as though I am not motivated to exercise or am not enjoying it, I will simply stop and I will refuse to listen to that voice in my head, telling me to go further or faster.

My eating disorder at the moment

I have mentioned in various posts over the last few weeks about my current recovery plans but I thought it would be a good idea just to write a master post about exactly where I am at in regards to my anorexia and my recovery. After reaching a healthy weight I decided to reduce my intake from 3200 calories to 2500. I did not do this over a single day but instead I did it quite gradually, over a week or so.

I did not only reduce my intake because I had exceeded the goal weight my doctor had set me, but also because I felt as though I really didnt need all of the food I was eating anymore. I knew that I was eating far more then my body actually needed which led to me losing my appetite and becoming completely uninterested in food which is quite unusual for me.

My body shape had returned to what it was prior to me developing anorexia and I was still relatively comfortable (as comfortable as someone with anorexia could be) with my body. Since I was still reasonabely comfortable with how I looked and I was a healthy weight, I did not want to gain too much more weight as I knew that this would only make accepting myself even more diffcult and this could lead to me relapsing.

Since reducing my intake and also increasing my exercise a little, I have mangaged to maintain my weight which is what I was aiming to do. I am confident that I made the right choice to decrease my intake as I am still feeling great. I am full of energy and have a healtthy appetite once again. I have also noticed that my sensitivity to the cold has not returned which makes mre think that I am still eating enough.

You must rememeber that everyone is different and that each individual requires different amounts of food, depending upon who they are and where they are at in their recoveries. For example even though some people consider 2500 calories to be a recovery intake, for me this is a maintenence intake. Some people may consider this to be quite a high maintenence intake however I feel as though it is exactly what my body needs in order to function efficiently.

Now that I have got my body to a relatively healthy state, I know that it is minly just my mental health that I need to keep working on. While my anorexia is still there and still causes me daily anxiety, I can honestly say that it is getting better everyday. every day is a little bit easier and I can also feel myself getting stronger.  Even though I still get anorexic thoughts, I find it much easier to ignore them now.

I find that I can think so much more rationally now and I suppose that this is because my brain is getting physcally healthier as well as mentally. And while I still get self consious sometimes, it is nowhere near as bad as it was before I developed anorexia. I am much more accepting of my body and also appreciate my body more now, for all of the wonderful things it does for me.

Once I have maintained my weight for a while, the next step for me will be to start trying to eat intuitively. This is something that I am incredibely nervous about as I am worried that I  may eat either too much or too little. Learning to listen to your body after ignoring it for so long is a huge challege but I desperately want to stop counting calories for good, so it is a challenge I am willing to face. Like all of the other challenges I have faced so far in my recovery, I am determined to do whatever it takes in order to overcome it.

I hope that everyone else is doing well in their own recoveries and making progress. Remember that recovery is painful but the only way you will make progress is if you fight through the pain and anxiety. One day it will all be worth it, I promise! <3 xx  

   

When people say triggering things

One of my good friends who I met through blogging has asked for some advice about what to do when a friend continuously talks about something that triggers you. In her case the friend is someone that she actually met in hospital when she was a inpatient and they are both now day patients. Her friend talks about exercise all the time which my friend finds exremely triggering. My friend also gets upset because many of the thing her friend talks about doing, my friend knows she will not be able to do because she suffers from osteoperosis.

Firstly, sometimes people may say things to you that make you feel anxious and make you want to use anorexic behaviours. These people may be people that you see everyday or they could even be strangers. The most important thing is that you never listen to these anorexic thoughts, no matter what. Unfortunately we can not always control what others say however we can control our own actions. So if someone says something triggering as a one off, you should probably just try and let it go. Even if it caused you some anxiety I pobably wouldn't bother about saying anything, unless it happens again.

The thing is, lots off things can be triggering to a recovering anorexic and I think that a part of recovering is learning how to fight your anorrexia when you feel triggered, instead of always giving into it. If someone often talks about a particular thing that really triggers you however, I would definetely talk to them. If they are a true friend or if they really care about you they won't mind you being honest with them and they will be happy for you to approach them about it.

I know that it may be hard to approach someone and tell them that what they are saying or doing is really triggering you however it is something you really need to do if it is causing you a great deal of discomfort and if it is preventing you from recovering. I would suggest talking to them in the nicest way posible, afterall it isn't really there fult they are triggering you either as they would not be trying to intentionally hurt you. In my friends case, I would suggest saying something like this;

"I think it is so fantastic that you are feeling healthy and strong enough to exercise so much but would you mind not talking to me about it so often. I love talking to you as you are such a good friend however it is hard for me to hear about exercise all the time, while I am stilll recovering. So do you think it would be ok if we talk about something else intead?"

If the person knows a fair it about your eating disorder you could tell them why what they are saying triggers you however if they dont I wouldn't go into too much detail, I would let them know that it makes you feel really uncomfortable. I know that if someone approached me and asked me not to talk about a particular topic with them I would not be offended at all. I would be glad that they had talked to me so that I could prevent making them feel uncomfortable in the future.


Finally if someone does not take it very well or gets angry that you have asked them nicely not to talk about a particular topipc, I would question whether or not they are the type of personyou should be around whilst you are recovering. While you are recovering you need to surriubd yourseld with people you love and trust and should distance yourself room anyone who does not treat you right. In order to recover you need to learn to treat yourself with respect and it is really hard to do this if people around you fail to treat you with respect and kindness.

Also, to the friend who asked me for the advice I would really question whether or not your friend is actually healthy. I do not think it would be a good idea to do as much exercise as she is doing, so soon after reaching an acceptable bmi. Also, constantly talking about exercise is a behaviour that suggests she could be or is becoming obsessed with it. Please dont follow her example. Keep doing what you know is right for YOUR recovery. You always need to remember that YOU are the most important thing in your recovery. <3 xx

Anorexia kills

I don't want to upset anyone by saying this but I think it is important that everyone out there who is suffering from anorexia is reminded that if they don't fight, eventually they will die. I know that this seems incredibely harsh but sadly it is true. Anorexia is thought to have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses and for very good reason. It is incredibely hard to fight and the effects of anorexia are deadly. Your anorexia really wont be satisfied until you are dead. Please dont spend your life trying so hard to please something that is trying to kill you.

It is so easy to think, 'I won't die, because I am not sick enough to die' but this is not true. This is just what your anorexia tells you so you continue to give in to it's demands. Also, The way you see your body really is not the way it truly looks. You may not think you are skinny enough to die, but you need to understand that this is not necessarily true. Due to body dismorphia, you really can't trust the way you see your body whilst you are suffering from anorexia.

When I was at my thinnest, I did not see the seriousness of my anorexia and did not for a moment think that I was putting my life at risk through starving myself. It wasn't until I was laying in bed one night and took my pulse to find that my heart was only beating 30 times per minute that I realised I was at risk of actually dying. I went to sleep that night absolutely terrified that Iwouldn't wake up and it is only since then that I have actually slowly made progress and gotten to the stage I am now at.

If I had not come to that realisation, I would probably be dead right now as I never would have started to fight my anorexia. So the message I am trying to get out through this post is that Anorexia does kill and if you continue to give into your anorexia, you really are risking your life. So even though making progress in your recovery is extremely difficult, you really must chose to do it anyway as if you dont, eventually you will just become another statistic. Another person who has lost their life to this awful illness.

Again, I am so sorry that this post has been so 'harsh' and I hope that I have not upset anyone, I jut want everyone out there to realise the seriousness of this illness, so that they try and fight it, before it's too late. No one else can fight your anorexia for you, it is up to you to save your own life. I know that everyone is capable of doing it, you just have to believe in yourself.

100 posts into recovery

I am very glad to say that today I wrote my 100th blog post. To me, this is something worth celebrating and is quite symbolic for me. It is only since I have started my blog that I have become truly dedicated to my recovery and have started fighting my anorexia with everything i've got. Therefore reaching my 100th post is special as it means that I am 100 posts into my recovery. There are various reasons why my blogging has allowed me to fight my anorexia when I was never able to do this before.

As soon as I began writing out all of the thoughts I had been bottling up for years, I started to really understand what my anorexia was about. It made me realise where my anorexia came from in the first place, why I had maintained it for so long and why I was scared of changing. Collecting my thoughts and answering all of these questions for myself has allowed me to accept my anorexia for what it is and has made me feel truly ready to recover.

While writing my blog I found myself offering others valuable advice that I had not been following myself. I soon realised that I knew exactely what I had to do in order to recover, I just had to be brave enough to put it into action. Whenever I tried to help others with their anorexic thoughts, it seemed so simple and straight forward to me what they needed to do in order to fight these thoughts. I tried my hardest to convince others that they needed to fight their Anorexia as they deserved to recover and eventually I realised that I deserved to recover just as much as they did.

I realised that if my advice was good enough for others, there was no reason why I couldnt start listening to it myself.  I started telling myself the things I would tell others each time I had anorexic thoughts and it made the world of difference. Every anorexic thought I got after that time, I was able to fight with a a more rational and healthy thought. For example if my anorexia told me I was getting too fat and that I shouldnt eat my afternoon tea, my non anorexic voice would tell me that it was not true, that my anorexia was lying and that not eating would only make my anorexia stronger. Before I found my rational voice of reason, my anorexia always got its way but now, I had something to fight it with.

Having my blog has given me so much more motivation to recover as I want to set a good example and show others trying to recover how I am able to fight and overcome problems I face. I honestly believe that recovery only becomes possible, once someone starts to believe it is possible and I feel as though people will not just believe what I tell them unless I show it to them as well. Therefore I feel as though I need to recover, if I want to help others do the same.





My blog has given me a very positive and optimistic outlook on recovery. To begin with I think I was just telling my self and others the things that I didn't necessarily believe, but instead what I knew I should think when fighting my anorexia. Now however I can honestly say that I do believe what I tell myself and others.

I actually believe that my weight does not define me and that I can be beautiful no matter what size my jeans are. I believe that I am not fat and that I never have been. I believe that I can be stronger than my anorexia and that recovery is possible. This doesnt mean that my anorexic thoughts arent there anymore, because I still have anorexic thoughts almost every minute of every day and feel completely awful at times because of them but I now know better than to believe them and act upon them. Instead I believe in myself.

To all the people who have read my blog, thank you so much for sharing this journey with me. Because of you I no longer feel as though I am trying to recover alone. While I dont know if recovery would have been possible for me on my own, I know that together we are strong enough to recover.

Unhealthy thoughts

I would like to say that I am almost fully recovered and that my anorexia still doesn't affect my life but this would be a very big lie. While I have made progress since I was at my absolute worst, I still have a very long way to go. I still get anorexic thoughts all the time but luckily I can fight most of them. Some unhealthy thoughts that I had yesterday were about something as silly as throat lozenges.

I am getting a head cold at the moment so had an extremely sore throat. In the past I have never had throat lozenges as I didn't know how many calories they contain. Yesterday morning I found myself debating whether or not I should have some or not. I considered having some but eating a little less for one of my snacks and then I thought about how ridiculous I was being. I had an extremely sore throat and was frightened to have some lozenges as I thought it would increase my Intake for the day. While I have been able to get my daily calorie intake quite high, I still do worry about going over my calorie goal each day. I know it shouldn't matter to me as I am trying to gain weight and you can't really eat to much in recovery bit this is something I don't feel ready to overcome just yet.

Don't worry, I can see how pathetic worrying about throat lozenges is but I can't control these anorexic thoughts. Since they are out of my control, I know better than to get angry at myself or feel disappointed in myself for having these  thoughts. what I can control however is the way I react to these thoughts. When I got these ridiculous thoughts about the throat lozenges, I was able to go against them. I made sure that for the rest of the day that each time my throat was sore, I had a lozenger and consequently by the end of the day it didn't bother me to have the lozenges at all.

This shows that the only way to stop having unhealthy thoughts is to go completely against them. I believe if I continue to do this I will eventually be free of these thoughts all together. Every time I am walking my dog and my anorexia tells me I should go around an extra block, I intentionally take the shortest route home possible. Every time my anorexia tells me I am being lazy and need to get outside and be active, I make myself lay on the couch for an extra hour and watch another episode of my favourite series.

I know that I can't try and change all of my anorexic behaviors and fight all of my unhealthy thoughts at once. By slowly eliminating these behaviors and thoughts however, I am making progress and getting closer and closer to recovering each day. If you continue to listen to your anorexic thoughts, I promise you they will never go away. It may take years but your anorexic voice will eventually get sick of being ignored and disappear, but only if you fight It.