Unhealthy thoughts

I would like to say that I am almost fully recovered and that my anorexia still doesn't affect my life but this would be a very big lie. While I have made progress since I was at my absolute worst, I still have a very long way to go. I still get anorexic thoughts all the time but luckily I can fight most of them. Some unhealthy thoughts that I had yesterday were about something as silly as throat lozenges.

I am getting a head cold at the moment so had an extremely sore throat. In the past I have never had throat lozenges as I didn't know how many calories they contain. Yesterday morning I found myself debating whether or not I should have some or not. I considered having some but eating a little less for one of my snacks and then I thought about how ridiculous I was being. I had an extremely sore throat and was frightened to have some lozenges as I thought it would increase my Intake for the day. While I have been able to get my daily calorie intake quite high, I still do worry about going over my calorie goal each day. I know it shouldn't matter to me as I am trying to gain weight and you can't really eat to much in recovery bit this is something I don't feel ready to overcome just yet.

Don't worry, I can see how pathetic worrying about throat lozenges is but I can't control these anorexic thoughts. Since they are out of my control, I know better than to get angry at myself or feel disappointed in myself for having these  thoughts. what I can control however is the way I react to these thoughts. When I got these ridiculous thoughts about the throat lozenges, I was able to go against them. I made sure that for the rest of the day that each time my throat was sore, I had a lozenger and consequently by the end of the day it didn't bother me to have the lozenges at all.

This shows that the only way to stop having unhealthy thoughts is to go completely against them. I believe if I continue to do this I will eventually be free of these thoughts all together. Every time I am walking my dog and my anorexia tells me I should go around an extra block, I intentionally take the shortest route home possible. Every time my anorexia tells me I am being lazy and need to get outside and be active, I make myself lay on the couch for an extra hour and watch another episode of my favourite series.

I know that I can't try and change all of my anorexic behaviors and fight all of my unhealthy thoughts at once. By slowly eliminating these behaviors and thoughts however, I am making progress and getting closer and closer to recovering each day. If you continue to listen to your anorexic thoughts, I promise you they will never go away. It may take years but your anorexic voice will eventually get sick of being ignored and disappear, but only if you fight It.