As I said, my frame of mind was not much healthier when I left hospital then when I went in. And my anorexia was just angrier as I had been forced to gain weight that I thought was extremely unnecessary. I compromised with my parents and agreed that I would try to stabilize my weight, but this didn't work. I was scared of most foods because I was scared they would make me gain weight which led to me under eating and losing weight.
I will share with you a part of a diary entry from when I first got home. You will probably notice that this entry is not angry like the last one I posted. Obviously my anorexia was not angered at the time I wrote It.
xxxxx
21/11/2012
So I am home, which I'd good.... I think! I have decided to concentrate really hard on stabilizing my weight. Although I know this will be hard as I will have to eat more than I am comfortable with, I would rather eat the food here then in Hospital where I will have to gain more weight. I would love to just be able to stay the size I am and avoid going back to hospital.
The only reason I don't want to go back to hospital is because I don't want to gain weight. Besides that, I think I prefer being in hospital than at home. Mum is truly horrible. She constantly talks about what I have given up, as if I chose to get sick. She says that I no longer care about my future, just because I don't know If am ready to go straight to university next year or not. I just want to have a chance to get happy and enjoy myself.
I feel like mum is laying down so many laws and being really controlling again which is a part of where my eating disorder began. Constantly rubbing in what I have lost through having anorexia doesn't help anything. It just makes us fight and makes me feel bad about myself.
xxxxx
Things were difficult with my family at home, just as they had been before I went to hospital. My parents were told by the hospital that I needed to continue eating the same meal plan but there was no way I was going to listen. I argued that if I continued to eat the sane amount I would continue to gain weight. They new I should be drinking juice and milky drinks still but I completely refused. Meal times became a disaster, especially tea. My mum tried to cook things she thought I would be comfortable with but I didn't want to eat anything. I Would argue with mum about how much I would have dished up on my plate and insisted that a small piece of fruit was enough for each snack.
The next month or so was all a bit of a blur. I can't really remember much about this time but I do remember arguing with my mum a lot. I know It would have been hard for her but our relationship had been rocky for a long time, even before I got anorexia which made listening to her even more difficult. I moved in with my nan on boxing day night and stayed with her for two months. In these two month, for the first time I was a relatively normal teenager. I worked as as waitress, hung out with friends, went camping, went to first few parties and became more confident.
I lost a bit of weight but was getting away with it. I prepared all of my own meals and my grandparents weren't concerned by what I was eating as I ate quite a lot of food but it was all very low calorie food. I was happy with how I looked and I honestly wasn't trying to lose weight anymore. I unintentionally under ate as I was scared that I would gain weight if I ate any more. I moved back home and my GP told me that if I lost anymore weight I would have to go back to hospital so I did start eating more again. She also made we give up my job so I could just concentrate on looking after myself. My weight stabilized for a while but slowly I reduced my calorie intake. I stopped going to my GP so no longer had to worry about her threatening me with going back to hospital.
I ate a reasonable volume of food but all the foods I ate had a very low calorie density. I intentionally chose foods that would be filling and that had a Low gi so I wouldn't feel hungry. I became obsessed with food and would try and make my eating time as long as possible. I ate with tiny cutlery and also ate only tiny mouthfuls of food at a time. I ate a huge bowl of oats for breakfast each morning which took me over an hour to eat. I also ate a lot of tinned spaghetti and soup. I was extremely bored and spent my days Watching TV, doing chores around the house and thinking about food. I was only eating about 5500 kj a day and didn't think I was losing any weight. My dad had to move away for work and only came home on the weekends. Eventually I moved out of home and went to live full time with him when the fighting with my mum got to much.
To be continued.....
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