While the staff at the hospital I was an inpatient at forced me to eat and gain weight, no one actually tried to help me with what was going on inside my head. The whole time I was in hospital I was secretly exercising and planning how I could lose the weight again when I got out. I have spoken to psychologists but found that they were not able to offer any real advice either. While it was good to talk to someone and get everything off my chest, it wasn't really helping me in terms of recovey.
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One person I went to who claimed she had dealt with anorerxics before actually told me after a few sessions that there wasn't any point in going back if I wasn't willing to fight my anorexia. The thing was, It wasn't that I wasn't willing to fight my anorexia, it was that I didn't know how. No one had ever actually given me any advice about how to be stronger then my illness and I felt like I had no choice but to listen to my anorexia.
So for me, recovering without professional help has really been my only option but I wouldn't reccommend it. Perhaps recovering without professional help wouldn't be so bad if you had a really supportive family that were able to help you but unfortunately my family were not able to help me. I didn't even have close friends that I could rely on for support as I was so socially withdraw and the friends I did have didn't know anything about eating disorders and had trouble understanding.
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The best thing that ever happened in terms of my recovery was that I started reading recovery blogs online. Seeing other peoples achievement and recovery journeys has shown me that recovery is possible. The advice and support that I have been offered through reading other peoples blogs has been so helpful for me and there is no way I could have made the progress I have without it. I also think that starting my own blog has been a wonderful motivation for me in my recovery.
There are a few things that I really don't like about recovering on my own. One of these is the fact that I still need to count calories. If I had a professional design my meal plan for me, I wouldn't even know how many calories I was eating and therefore essentially would not be calorie counting anymore. It was obviously necessary for me to design my meal plan around a specific number of calories so that I could be sure I was eating enough to gain weight. My first goal once I am weight restored is to stop counting calories all together and to learn to eat intuitively.
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Something else I wish I didn't have to do while recovering on my own is weigh myself. While I am gaining weight, I honestly would rather not know how much I weigh as it makes me feel so anxious. All of this week I have been too scared to weigh myself as I am scared to see the weight I have gained. I know that I need to weigh myself this wednesday (in two days time) so that I make sure I have gained enough weight since last wednesday when I weighed myself. I know that this is essential as it is the only way I can tell wether I am eating enough to gain the weight I need to, but I would much rather to a blind weigh in with someone if I could.
I know that different methods of recovery are better for different people but I would reccommend accepting good professional help if you can. Recovering on your own is really hard and will probably take longer than recovery with profession help.
What does everyone else think? Have you found recovering on your own or with professional help easier for you?
Basically I'm in the same situation. I'm trying to recover on my own. And yes, this is truly hard. I'm afraid I can't cope with this... I'm always relapsing and it's really frustrating and demotivating. I hold back my own self in my recovery journey. I tried, I tried so hard, but I have to admit that I can't do this on my own, even if I get some support from my family.
ReplyDeleteSo... I have sought for help and in the next week I will (hopefully) see a psychiatrist. I'm both excited and terrified!
Also as you mentioned, recovery blogs are really helpful! I would recommend reading read such blogs for anybody who choose the path of recovery!
(Oh, and excuse my english! This isn't my first language. Sorry!)
Hi there,
DeleteWell done for realising you cant do it on your own and for getting help. Rememer that this does not make you weak in anyway. It makes you incredibely strong as you are chosing recovery. You are chosing to fight your eating disorder and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Please let me know how your appointment goes as I will be thinking of you. All the best and feel free to contact me anytime if you ever feel as though you need someone to talk to.
Karly xx :)
By the way your english is great. I never would have guessed that its not your first language.
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ReplyDeleteHi Karly,
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from another Australian :) I've been trying to recover from anorexia on my own too. I've seen a psychiatrist who was a specialist, but found her unhelpful. I also saw a dietitian for a good couple of years. My dietitian didn't actually focus on kj, but on types of nutrients (protein, calcium etc). The focus was also on normalization of portion sizes and being able to eat in a social way, and to develop more flexibility in eating. So what I guess I'm trying to say is that maybe if you're trying to monitor your intake but hate counting kj that there are other professionally accepted methods!
I also hair wanted to say that treading your blog has inspired me to relax and eat chocolate during the day (a weird rule of mine, don't ask me why!)
Keep going, you're an inspiring person x
Hi there, thats really interesting what you say about other ways to monitor intake besides counting calories and I will definetely keep it in mind. I am guessing you are an Aussie too? What state are you from? I am a Tassie girl.
DeleteThanks so much for saying that you like my blog and you have found it helpful, it really means a lot. try not to feel guilty about eating things like chocolate. Instead feel proud of yourself as you are doing what is healthy for YOU. It may not be reccommended for everyone to eat chocolate daily but there are many reasons why it is healthy for us to do so while in recovery. Not only does it provide our bodies with the energy it needs for repair, but it also makes us mentally stronger as chocolate is a fear food for many anorexics and by eating chocolate you are fighting your anorexia.
And of course, once you become a little more comfortable with eating chocolate, it makes you feel happy when you eat it because it is so delicious. I have a large chocolate bar with my afternoon tea everyday and my favourites are Picnics, Violet crumbles and Aero's but there is no chocolate I dont like ;D. Thanks again for your lovely words about me and my blog, I hope to hear from you again soon. XX
Yup, I'm from NSW :) I like the way you talk about the reasons it's good to eat chocolate. It's how I rationalise it (I firmly believe foods are neither good nor bad), but I don't always find myself convincing. It's good to hear from someone else!
DeleteI also have to rationalise with myself to convince myself that my anorexic thoughts are not true. You cant control what anorexic thoughts arise but you can chose whether or not you listen to your anorexic thoughts or act upon them.
DeleteI always just try and do the complete opposite of what my anorexia tells me to do. If i am out walking and my anorexia tells me I should keep walking further, I make sure i take the shirtest possible toute home. Or if my anorexia tells me the apple i chose is too big, I put it back and find an even bigger one. As long as you listen to your anorexia you will never be free of it.
The only way we will ever be able to get rid of it completely is if we completely ignore it for a long time. The way i think about it is that our anorexia will eventually get sick of being ignored and will fade away and dissappear all together. Stay strong and keep fighting. :) x
hi there !
ReplyDeleteThanks for putting this clever blog in place... its the first time i can open up after 14years of fighting this anorexia.
This is my unfortunate situation today and why i can't seek professional medical help anymore :(
I got pregnant and was at the gym everyday , i done spin classes at 39weeks , i was eating but not the amount any pregnant women would eat. so i decided to get some help as i wanted to make sure my lil princess was in top form and health. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?
The doctor secretly referred me to social service 'CHILD IN NEED PLAN!' - SS got involved in my life and threatened me that if i don't eat , and if baby loses any weight once born - the will take next steps and seek CHILD PROTECTION FROM COURT.
Of course i didn't want my baby to lose any weight once born and i fully had the intention to breastfeed.
i said to them why are you jumping to extreme measures , firstly give me a chance have my baby happily, secondly why the hell are you saying you will take my baby if she loses weight while i breastfeed? why don't you instead advice me to bottle feed and thats a guarantee she will be thriving very well?
they had no answers for me.
cut long story short.
i had my beautiful baby and she is 3months today - iv been breastfeeding since she was born (and oh she is sooooo pretty and beautiful) - yes she weighed only 3.5kg and was a small baby - but she was fully healthy .
she is growing soooooo well its unbelievable and iv never been happier.
i made a serious formal complain about social services and how they treated me , as they caused me sever distress and upset - but i and my baby proved them wrong and i changed my eating habits by force for her sake.
after 2months old baby - social services were pleased with her thriving increasing weight and closed my case ! DONE :)
i used to cry and eat when baby was born - it was the hardest thing i have ever done ' yes ! even harder then delivering my baby ! IMAGINE :(
THAT WAS 3MONTHS AGO - its been 1week now and its creeping back suddenly and I'm out of control, my breasts have deflated and i simply can't eat- i had half apple , half pear, 5grapes and 10 blueberries today - thats it and I'm doing my indoor exercise everyday .
worse case scenario i would bottle feed my princess but i reeaaalllyyy don't want to - it will heart break me to pieces, i would feel like a looser a failure :(
And i can't go and get professional help - I'm sure you understand me now.
:(((
I understand the difficulty in recovering alone (sort of). I'm working on that myself, but the thing is, most places/people/websites/self-help sites, say that you need professional help to recover. In fact, often times I'm finding that their list of "help" starts off, or ends with, "Seek professional help". But for someone like me, that's really not an option.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure I have/had anorexia to start with. Sure, I am food obsessed a lot and over concerned with my weight/appearance, but who isn't, right? If I was truly anorexic and needed help, I would have been at a point where maybe I was passing out randomly or something, or in the hospital. But I never needed hospitalization, and with so many people who do need it for eating disorders, how can I possibly think that I need any kind of help from a professional? I don't need it, because I'm not sick enough for it, which is a good thing, actually. I'm glad I'm not to some point of needing to be hospitalized, I really am. But since I can't get professional help/don't need it, recovering (or not, depending on if I even have something wrong with me I guess) is hard. I don't think I deserve professional help for anything anyway.
Your blog helps though, thank you for writing what you have, I'm glad at least that I (and the others here) are not alone trying to recover on our own. Hopefully everyone here can stay strong and find their way...
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DeleteHey!Call me undeserving but I asked for professional help without ever passing out or being hospitalised. I just came to the gradual conclusion that what started out as a way to tame my anxiety was taking control of my life and destroying my health and ability to function. You deserve a better life than anorexia! Even if you don't think you deserve help for your own sake, do it for the other people in your life who deserve the healthiest, happiest version of you! Also, even if the professionals aren't very helpful, I think at least asking would mark a turning point and you'd be held more accountable in your recovery, this has made a huge difference for me. Good luck :)
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