Why gaining weight scares me

I think that the reason I have been underweight for so long and why I struggle so much to gain weight is because I remember how unhappy I was before I lost weight and am scared of feeling that way again. Most anorexics explain that while losing weight, they are never satisfied with how they look, no matter how much weight they lose. this was not the case for me however. I know that my idea of the way a body should look is very distorted but the truth is, I am satisfied with how I look right now. I like my body. And that is why I find it so hard to change it.

Before I initially lost weight I would spend so much of my day worrying about how I looked, comparing myself to others and literally hating myself.  I would compare myself to every person I met in the street and feel so envious of the girls that were skinnier then me. The truth is, now that I am happier with how I look, I don't think about these things anymore. I never try on a pair of jeans and think "I look fat in these" and I don't spend any time looking in the mirror and checking my body. Infact I havent looked into a full size mirror for over two months (since moving into my own unit) as I only have a tiny mirror in my bathroom that is just big enough for me to do my makeup in.

Not only did I compare myself to everybody I met, I would also worry that everyone was judging me and thinking that I look fat or bad. I no longer think this when I see other people. I used to hate going clothes shopping as I hated trying on clothes and being dissapointed with how they looked on me, but now I don't mind so much as I am happy with what I see when I look in the mirror. I dont want anyone to think that I am going to let these thoughts stop me from gaining weight because I know that gaining weight is something I need to do regardless but I just wanted to share my thoughts on why gaining weight is so terrifying to me.

I know that while I am 6kg underweight, my body can not function optimally. I also know that while I am underweight I probably wont be able to think rationally and get rid of my anorexic thoughts which is something I definetely want to do. Even though I like the way I look, I know that I do not look necessarily healthy. I know that other people see me as too thin and even unnattractive which is something I would like to change. I also want to gain weight for the people in my life who I care about. The people who love me and want me to get better. So even though I have lots of fear about gaining weight, I also have more reasons why I should gain weight.

Hopefully when I do gain weight I don't feel the hatred and disgust in myself that I felt before I lost weight. But If I do start to really struggle with my body image, I am not going to try and fix the problem by losing weight again. Instead I will work on learning to love myself for who I am. Bloggers like Izzy have offered wonderful advice about how to love yourself and I plan to follow this advice until I truly do feel good in my own body. I know that it is normal to feel self conscious and insecure sometimes but I just need to learn how to cope with these feeling without relapsing.