I thought I would share with you the last diary entry I wrote before leaving hospital to give you an Idea of just how strong my anorexia still was. It makes me so sad to read back over this Diary entry. I haven't felt this much hate for myself for a long time and never want to have it again. I need to learn to love myself, even once I get back to a healthy weight. I need to learn to accept myself for who I truly am. All anorexics would agree that anorexia brings out a different side of you. I have never gotten this angry over anything in my life and never swear. This writing Is not a reflection of my true personality. They are not my words, but my eating disorders.
29/10/12
OMG! I am so angry. At my my dietician, the kitchen staff and at the stupid bloody nurses. Once again, tonight my meal was friggen huge. I am so over this bull shit. Don't they get it? I don't need to gain any more weight, my doctor said that herself but no doubt I will. Not only has my diet stayed the same as what it was when I was gaining lots of weight, but I have been getting these extra massive teas as well. I know I am going to gain tones because of my fucking shit metabolism. I am so sick of this. My legs are so fat and my stomach is even getting bigger.
My meal tonight was fried rice (half a plate) and 3 huge pieces of pork plus the normal amount of vegetables. I mean where is the sense in that? The dietician makes me so mad. When we usually have meat and vegetables for tea. we have two pieces of meat so why, on a night when I get an extra half a plate of fried rice, would I get 3 pieces of meat? I just wanted to throw the food back In the nurses face when she gave it to me. Why must they do this. I am already back to being average. I don't fucking want that, let alone to get bigger still. I want to be skinny and beautiful like the other anorexic patient here.
I am going to talk to my dietician and something better be done. I feel like a fat pig. I AM A FAT PIG. I want to throw up so badly, but I know I will get caught and then they will take my daily walk off the ward away. What's the bloody point anyway. I go for half an hour and walk really fast but that means nothing when I am eating the amount I am. It was really hot and I walked 4 kilometers today in half an hour. I have blisters on my feet but I still went faster and faster to try and prevent gaining more weight. and then I came home to that bull shit meal.
I am over it. I want to go home so badly so I can try and lose some weight. I want to be perfect. I don't want to be fat and ugly. I know that I can not be happy the way I am now. I don't care if I am damaging my health, at least I can feel proud of myself and happy. what's the point in being 'healthy' if I am disgusting and miserable with it. I feel so sick. I am so over this shit hole. I am sick of feeling fat and disgusting. why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be skinny? Then I could be happy.
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