I still cant believe I recovered

Tonight I watched a documentary on anorexia and found myself thinking about my time whilst I was sick. I try not to think about what life was like for me when I was at the grips of Anorexia as it was so terrorizing and painful but at the same time I think it is so important not to ever forget just how awful it was so that I never fall back into my old ways. I also feel as though I have a responsibility as a recovered anorexia to share my story to raise awareness and also help others who are suffering. I feel so incredibly grateful that I managed to defy the odds and recover from the killer illness that had me totally consumed for over 3 years of my life. Even now I find myself totally amazed that I actually managed to recover, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I think what society fails to realise is just how traumatising it is to have an eating disorder like anorexia. I remember hating my life so much but feeling as though trying to get better would be so painful that it would be easier just to die. I didn't like the way I looked, I knew I was too thin but for some reason gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world. I hated counting calories and obsessing over food but still, I allowed this things to control my life. Fighting my illness seriously felt more frightening for me than it would have been for me to be thrown in a tank with a great white shark or jump off of a 100 story building. Which is why I still cant believe I actually managed to take on my anorexia and recover.

Not only did I manage to recover, but I  managed to do it completely on my own. My family, doctors and friends had all given up on me and when I told them I was going to try and recover, I knew they didn't believe me. I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. They had heard so many false promises from me and knew what kind of hold my illness had on me. It had gotten to the stage they didn't really even talk to me about trying to get better anymore, everyone just believed that it was who I was and that I would die with my illness, whether it was in 12 months or 12 years. And if I am completely honest, that is what I believed too.

I still don't really know why I started to truly try and recover when I did or why I finally found the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. It wasn't the fact that I was miserable with my life as I had been miserable for years and still hadn't managed to recover. I think my break through moment was when I started believing that I was worthy of recovery and that I did deserve to be happy, which before then I hadn't believed. So that was why I started my recovery but as for how I managed to recover, I owe that completely to my Blog. I have no doubt that if I didn't start my blog when I did I would still be living with my illness, or worse still I wouldn't be living at all.

When I made the decision to truly try and recover, I was living alone and had no one around me to keep me accountable. I had no one telling me what, when or how much to eat. I had no one telling me I wasn't allowed to exercise or that I needed to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I had no doctors or specialists giving me advice, I just had my blog and my readers who kept me 100% accountable. Before I started my blog I would set goals for myself and make meal plans for myself in attempt of making a recovery however I never managed to see anything through. Once I wrote goals or plans down on my blog however, I always managed to stick to them 100%, no matter how hard it was.

Not only did I feel as though I had to stick to my recovery plan for my sake anymore, but I felt as though I had to do it for the sake of my readers. I felt as though I needed to show them that it was possible to fight their eating disorder thoughts and that if I gave into my anorexia, I was letting my readers down. Every time the temptation arose to burn some extra energy or eat a little bit less, I never let myself do any of those things as I didn't want to have to write about giving into my anorexia on my blog. Instead, I wanted to be able to write about my victories and how even though it was hard and the temptation arose, I never gave into my anorexia or gave up.

Some nights the guilt and pain I felt over the food I had eaten or the weight I had gained became so overwhelming that I would just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. It was so hard to put myself through that kind of pain, especially when I didn't even know if I would ever recover. But I knew that if I gave up I would be showing all my readers who believed recovery was impossible, that they were right. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could play a part in preventing another person recovering from their illness. I was completely honest on my blog about my achievements and progress and writing each day about how I was feeling was like therapy for me.

People from all over the world started emailing me and through helping those people, I was able to help myself even more. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so any advice I gave to others I always made sure I followed myself and through motivating others to get better, I found that I was also encouraging myself to keep moving towards recovery. I had people messaging me or commenting on my posts telling me that I was helping them in their recoveries and this was possibly the biggest incentive for me in my own recovery. This made me want to win every battle I had with my anorexia so that I could write about it and inspire others to do the same. I didn't only want to get better so I could live a better life anymore, I wanted to get better to prove to other sufferers that it was possible.

If you have never had an eating disorder yourself, I cant even begin to explain how hard it is to not only live with but also recover from. And if you do have an eating disorder or have had an eating disorder then you will understand exactly what I am talking about! I never thought I would be able to recover and still cant believe I actually did. I honestly feel as though I have achieved the impossible and that I will be able to overcome anything I am ever faced with in the future. My only hope now is that I can make as many sufferers as possible believe that no matter how sick you are, you can always get better. You just have to believe it is possible, believe you are strong enough and believe you are worthy of a recovered life!

Happy and healthy with my boyfriend and sister vs underweight, sick, alone and unhappy

A little motivation to start the weekend

Just do it

What everyone suffering from an eating disorder needs to realise is that you will never be completely ready to recover and if you wait around for that day to come, then sadly you will most likely never recover. Its awful, but very true. No matter when you choose to get better, its going to be just as painful so I believe you might as well try and recover sooner rather than later, so that you dont waste anymore of you life unwell then you need to.

You may waste 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades of your life in that awful 'existing but not living' anorexic state we all know far too well. Personally, I spent about 2 and a half years there, before I realised I was going to do what ever it would take to make myself well again, no matter how painful it would be. Now, I wish I had started my true recovery sooner so that I didnt waste those years of my life, miserable like I did. I told myself at the time that I was trying to get better but now I can see that I wasnt really. I did want to get better but I wasnt actively fighting for me recovery like I needed to do.

I promise, being recovered is so worth every bit of pain that you go through during recovery and if I had to do it all over again to ensure I would end up as happy as I currently am, then I would without a doubt! No matter how hard things get whilst you are fighting your eating disorder, just keep reminding yourself of what you are fighting for and remember that although it may not feel like it, fighting tour anorexia cant actually kill you, only listening to your anorexia can do that.

On top of the world

After having quite a bad cold for most of last week, I have been feeling particularly incredible this week with more energy then I can remember having for a long time. I seemed to recover from my cold really quickly and I believe that this is purely due to how well I am looking after myself at the moment. Through resting, keeping up with my Herbalife products as well as eating lots of nutritious foods, I suppose my immune system is super atrong and I also providing my body with adequate energy to do what it needed to do to get well again.

My poor boyfriend hasnt been so lucky and has been sick for twice as long as me, most likely because he doesn't look after himself so well. Although I have tried to get him eating more nutritiously, I would never try to pressure him into it as I believe it is a very personal choice and everybody should have the right to choose how they live and what they eat themselves.

I have only had one work shift this week which has really suited me as it has meant that I have had heaps of time to catch up on my university work. I still cant believe just how much I am enjoying university this time around and I know that it is purely because I am now in a much better head space then I was last time I was at uni. I know it can be tempting to try and get your university course completed as soon as possible but I highly reccommend taking a break if your not happy and just focusing on getting well for a while. Studying really can be enjoyable and it should be enjoyable but you need to be in the right frame of mind for this to be possible.

I have been trying some new gym classes this week and I have loved all of them. I feel so motivated for exercise now that I am bursting with all this energy and exercise no longer feels like a chore for me. I love the way it makes me feel and I can feel myself getting fitter and stronger too. I became so weak whilst suffering from anorexia and it feels so wonderful to be slowly reversing that.

I am heading home to Swansea this weekend which I am really looking forward to as I haven't seen my family for ages. It will be great to catch up with everyone although I am a little nervous about what my family will think about my new herbalife products. I am worried that they will be really quick to judge and jump to the conclusion that it is some kind of weight loss program. Fingers crossed I am wrong and they are more open minded to what I am acfually doing Herbalife for.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic week and that your weekend is wonderful too. Stay strong and keep fighting guys... you've got this! <3 xxx

With the one who makes me happy

Its 5:20am and im laying in my new bed in my new room unable to sleep. After an incredibly long and tiring day yesterday filled with packing, cleaning, moving and driving, I slept really well for the first half of the night. However now I am feeling wide awake and sleep feels like an very far off thing. So I thought I may as well use this time to write a quick post and update you all on how things are going.

 I If I have learnt anything through being sick, its that life is way too short to spend time unhappy of you dont need to be. To me, being happy is more important then having any particular type of career or heaps of money. That is why, after leaving my job and home behind in Swansea, and even my family and friends, I dont feel any regrets. Because now I can spend more time with the guy that I love and who makes me happier then anyone else makes me.

I have decided to apply to university in a Bachelor if Health science at university as that is available with mid year entry and I can already see that the course is well suited to me. I like the sound of all the units and am looking forward to once again studying these subjects that I am so passionate about and interested in. Last time I was at university, I wasnt in a good headspace at all. My anxiety was at an all time high (although I refused to take medication for it) and I was very underweight. This time I feel ready to get back into uni and im sure with the support of my wonderful boyfriend, I will be fine.

Day 28: what do you feel is your greatest strength?

I think one of my greatest strengths is my determination and will power to do what I believe it right. This will power and determination has not always had a positive effect on my life however. In a way, my will power and determination was a part of the reason I was able to become anorexic and underweight in the first place.

As much as I hate comments like these, I do believe eating disorders require will power and determination

While I was developing my illness and starving myself, My anorexia started using my will power and determination for its own selfish use. My anorexia made me believe that I needed to lose weight and be thinner, so that is exactely what I did. No matter how hungry I felt or how loudly my parents screamed, I didnt give in and eat. I was determined to do what my anorexia told me was right.

Since deciding I needed to change my ways and that I wanted to recover, I have started to use my great will power and determination positively. While I have always been a very determined person, I believe that my will power and determination has only become as strong as it now is, since I have been sick.

Now I always use my will power and determination to fight my anorexia, instead of to do what it wants me to do. No matter how hard things get, I never give into my anorexia or give up. No matter how loudly my anorexia screams at me, I scream back louder. This is why I know I am going to recover, because of my determination and willingness too push myself through when things are hard.

Day 26: What would you say to to someone if they told you 'I give up on recovery. Its too hard.'?

I guess I would tell them something like this;

"I know it seems too hard and I know it seems impossible but I promise you that its not. I felt exactly the same way that you do not that long ago but look at me now, I am making progress every single day and getting closer to recovering and this is all because I never gave up. I'm not going to lie to you, recovery is incredibely hard but it does get easier. No matter how painful recovery seems, know that actually being recovered will be worth all of this pain. 

Try to focus on how wonderful your life will be if you are able to recover and be truly free of your eating disorder. By giving up on your recovery, you are also giving up on ever having a life. Even if your illness doesnt kill you right away, you will not truly be living, you will only be existing. You deserve so much more then to just exist. You deserve to be happy and healthy and to be given the chance to make all of your dreams come true.

Please believe me when I say you are strong enough to do this, all you need to do is believe in yourself."

The bucket list

On Saturday night I watched the movie, 'The bucket list.' I really enjoyed the movie as it had one of my favourite actors in it, Morgan Freeman but also because I found it really inspiring. For those of you who havent seen it, this movie is about two terminally sick men who run away in there final few months of life to try and complete a bucket list one of the men had put together.

This got me thinking about the types of things I would like to achieve before I die. some of them may not happen, and thats ok but it is nice to have dreams anyway. Having dreams keeps us looking to the future and heading in the right direction. Someone told me once that your dreams should scare you a little and that if they dont, they aren't  big enough. I had never thought like this before but now I completely agree with this.





My current bucket list (no doubt this will grow)

1. COMPLETELY RECOVER FROM ANOREXIA
2. TRAVEL TO EVERY OTHER CONTINENT AT LEAST ONCE (BESIDES MAYBE               ANTARTICA)
3. MEET ATLEAST ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO I HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW THROUGH BLOGGING AND WHO HAS HELPED ME THROUGH MY RECOVERY SO FAR
4. FIND AN AMAZING GUY WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I TRULY AM
5. HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE PROUD TO CALL ME THEIR MUM
6. HELP OTHERS WHO ARE BATTLING ANOREXIA TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE         STRONG ENOUGH TO RECOVER
7. FIND A WAY TO LET MY DAD KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME
8. LEARN TO EAT INTUITIVELY AND TREAT MY BODY WITH THE RESPECT IT             DESERVES
9. GO ON A BLIND DATE
10. TO HAVE THE CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF TO DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING
11. TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND LIKE WHAT I SEE
12. GO ON A ROADTRIP RIGHT AROUND AUSTRALIA
13. STAND ON TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER
14. SWIM WITH DOLPHINS
15. CREATE OR BUY MY DREAM HOME
16. GO TO DISNEY LAND
17. TO MEND WHATS BROKEN BETWEEN ME AND MY MUM
18. TO RAISE AWARENESS OF EATING DISORDERS AND BREAKDOWN THE STIGMAS SURROUNDING THEM
19. BE A REGULAR VOLUNTEER FOR A CHARITY OR IMPORTANT ORGANISATION
20. DROVE CATTLE ON HORSE BACK THROUGH THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK OR       THROUGH THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS

Day 17: What in your life has changed since you entered recovery

For some reason I find this question quite hard to answer. I would really like to say my life has completely changed for the better since entering recovery and that I am 100% happier then I used to be but this is not actually the case. I feel as though it is much harder to actually recover then it is to remain sick. This is because it is much more painful to fight your anorexic voice then to listen to them. Recovery is so hard and so painful but that does not mean you shouldnt choose recovery. You just have to believe that while the actual recovery process is terribely difficult, becoming recovered is well worth all of the pain you experience.

I wish I could say that my life no longer revolves around food and weight, but it definetely still does. During recovery so much of your focus and attention is paid towards what you eat and how much weight you are gaining. You cannot live life like a normal person as you always have to put your recovery first and make it your priority. While entering recovery may not instantly change your life for the better, once you actually recover your life will definetely be changed for the better. Only by making a full recovery will you be able to feel completely free and will you be able to truly live your life the way that you deserve to live it.

Not everything about recovery so far has been harder however, my life has also changed for the better in some ways. For starters, I feel as though I have so much more energy then I ever have before. Obviously eating much larger amounts of food means that I am giving my body a lot more energy. While I was sick, I clearly remember dragging my feet along while going for my long walks. I was literally running on empty but still I forced myself to keep going. Now I feel as though I have springs under my feet when I take Tess for walks and am literally bursting with energy. Even though I am not really using this extra energy I have at the moment as I am limiting my exercise as much as possible, it still feels great to jump out of bed each morning with all the energy I know I will need to get through the day.

Since entering recovery and nourishing my body with lots of food, I have also started to see a difference in the way I think. I honestly believe that the extra energy is not only going into allowing my body to repair, but also my mind. Everyday I feel as though my anorexic thoughts are getting a little weaker and the real me is getting stronger. Since entering recovery my whole attitude has become much more positive and I am finding thinking rationally much easier as well.

One of the biggest things that have changed since I entered recovery is that I realised I am strong enough to fight my anorexia and that recovery is possible for me. Before I started my revovery I did believe that recovery was possible for some people but I was not convinced that it would be possible for me. I felt like I was so sick that I would never be able to turn my life around and live normally. Since starting to recover however, every time I have had to fight my anorexic thoughts and have won I have become more and more confident in just how strong I can be. Now I know that I WILL recover as I AM strong enough to fight my Anorexia and WIN.

Day 8: if you could go back in time (before your disorder) what would you tell yourself

I have so much I would want to tell myself in the hope that it would stop me from going down the terrible path I took which led to me developing my anorexia. I had no idea about how awful eating disorders were until it was too late. Perhaps if I had known how serious eating disorders are and how hard they are to overcome, I would have done more to prevent myself from developing one.

If I could go back I would tell my myself that being skinny does not make you happy. I was so convinced that I would be happier if I was thin but this definetely was not the case. In fact I was much unhappier once I lost 20 kg through my eating disorder then I was to begin with. Now I realise that if you feel uncomfortable with your body, losing weight is not the answer. The right answer is to change the way you feel about yourself by learning to love who you are.

I would tell myself that there are other non harmful coping skills that I can use to deal with my anxiety other than by controlling my food and weight. Afterall, starving yourself only makes your anxiety worse. I would make myself realise that there was nothing wrong with my body before I got sick. I was never overweight or fat. I was always healthy and fit and more importantly, I was always happy. I can see now that I didnt need to change anything about myself.

Me at my heaviest ever weight. No I wasnt super skinny but I was healthy and happy which is so much more important.

I would tell myself that nobody in the world is perfect and that I shouldn't expect myself to be either. Trying to make yourself look 'perfect' will only ever lead to dissapointment because there will always be things about yourself that you aren't completely happy with.  I hate the way society makes everyone feel as though they need to be super skinny in order to have the perfect body and be successful. If I could go back I would tell myself that society is wrong, that there is nothing perfect about being skinny.

While it would be nice to have a time machine, unfortunately I dont. I do not feel as though worrying about could've or would've beens now can help me in my recovery. Its time to stop dwelling on what has happened in the past as it is too late to change it now. We can however learn from the past and use this knowledge of past experiences to help us in our present day lives and into the future. It took me 3 long years to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. Without having anorexia I would have never found out just how much inner strength I have. My illness has shown me that nothing is impossible and that we really are the creators of our own destiny. I feel as though as long as I am able to fully recover, getting sick will actually allow me to live a better more successful life in the future as it has shown me the meaning of life and what is truly important.

Day 1: A letter to my anorexia

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly