Pregnancy body transformation

I feel like my belly is getting bigger everyday! I find it a little harder to accept weight gain to other parts of my body like my bum and thighs but I know it is inevitable to a certain thing and it just shows that I am nourishing my bubba the way I should be. His health is all I care about <3

Its a boy!

Deaing with pregnancy weight gain after an eating disorder

Weight gain is inevitable and necessary in a heathy pregnancy, unless you are overweight prior to pregnancy. The following diagrams show the amounts of weight the average healthy pregnant woman gains and also what that weight gain constitutes. These are just simplified guides however so you should not expect to gain exactly this much in pregnancy, always listen to your doctors advice :)


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Although I was expecting to gain weight when I fell pregnant, I don't really know how I feel about the 7-8 kilograms I have gained so far (I am currently 21.5 weeks). Some days, I feel a little self conscious about being bigger however my babies health is the most important thing to me so I just keep reminding myself that it is necessary to keep my baby healthy and that helps me to deal with it ok. Very few of my old clothes fit me so I have had to buy some new clothes in either bigger sizes or maternity wear and in order to stop myself getting upset when my old clothes no longer fit, I have stopped trying them on. 

I know that whilst some of the weight I have gained is fat tissue, a lot is also fluid, breast tissue, blood volume and baby/bump. I also keep reminding myself that it is temporary and that even if I am larger than I am comfortable with after I give birth, my weight will most likely stabilise back to my normal weight whilst I am breast feeding and returning to my normal healthy and active lifestyle. And if I don't return to my pre-baby weight, I think I will be ok with that also as being a good mum to my baby is more important to me than achieving a certain weight.

As my body continues to grow and my weight continues to go up, I hope that I can keep the same outlook and continue to deal with it as I currently am. At the moment, I never feel as though I am restricting what I eat or exercising to prevent weight gain, even if I do feel a little uncomfortable or anxious about my growing body. If I ever do start to feel as though I am letting any thoughts or worries about my weight gain negatively impact on me or my baby, I will seek help right away as I refuse to let my eating disorder jeopardise the health of my unborn baby.

Exciting news!

I know that I am long over due for an update on my life and how I am going post recovery, but I have been waiting until it was safe for me to share my exciting news with you all. I am currently 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant, which means my dream of becoming a mum is finally coming true. I found out I was pregnant on the 16th of August, two months ago now, after trying to conceive for 12 months. I was starting to worry that I wasn't going to be able to fall pregnant naturally and knew that this could have had something to do with my eating disorder history, but thank goodness it all worked out for us. I had my 12 week scan last Friday and I thought I was only 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant but the baby was actually measuring a week ahead which was really exciting. Although it was too early to tell the gender of our baby, everything looked perfect and our bub is super active!

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. It has always been the most important thing to me and all I ever really cared about achieving in life. At the end of the day, I didn't care what job I ended up with or whether I ever owned my own house or anything like that, all I cared about was having a family. Wanting to become a mum one day was actually one of the things that got me through my recovery, as I knew that by not looking after my body I would be decreasing my chances of ever being able to have children. I also wanted to be a healthy and mentally stable mum, if I ever was lucky enough to be one. I had been with my partner for a while and he knew how much I longed to be a mum, so together we decided to start trying. That was in August 2018 and at the time I wasn't in the best place mentally. I wouldn't say my eating disorder was back in full force but my relationship with food was not healthy and I was practicing some pretty unhealthy behaviours. Trying to fall pregnant helped me to stop those behaviours however, as I knew that I needed to be as healthy as possible in order to fall pregnant and be the best mum possible.

So as the months went by, I got healthier and healthier but I still wasn't falling pregnant, which was really disheartening. I was trying so hard to stay healthy to optimise my chances of falling pregnant but every month I didn't fall pregnant left me feeling like all my hard work was for nothing. Although I said I was trying to fall pregnant, I was still drinking quite a bit of alcohol some weekends which, looking back, I honestly think was hindering my chances of conceiving. I got to the start of July this year and I was totally fed up and depressed about not being able to fall pregnant. I worried I would never be able to fall pregnant and my GP told me that if I still wasn't pregnant in a months time, then she would refer me to a fertility specialist. I stopped drinking all together as I wanted to make sure I wasn't hindering my chances of falling pregnant. I also started to follow a low FODMAP diet as I had been suffering from really bad IBS in the months leading up to this time. Following this diet really helped me to feel better and completely stopped my IBS symptoms and I was also exercising quite a lot at the time, so actually lost a bit of weight unintentionally. And in that month, I also fell pregnant!

Finding out I was finally pregnant was the most exciting thing ever. Not only had I always wanted a baby more than anything, but not being able to fall pregnant for so long just made me long for it even more. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant, the anxiety did hit. Everywhere I looked online, there were stories about miscarriages and really scary miscarriage rates. I felt like I was bound to be one of the unlucky ones it would happen to, but luckily it didn't! My partner and I told our immediate family and best friends quite early but waited until we were cleared at our 12 week scan before announcing it to anyone else. Since being pregnant, all of my eating disorder thoughts and tendencies have gone out the window as nothing matters to me, except the health of our little baby. I have already regained the weight I lost before falling pregnant and some, and am giving into all of my pregnancy cravings. I have seriously eaten more chocolate, cake and sweet biscuits in the last 3 months then I have in the last 10 years! Its like when I was refeeding myself all over again. I always thought that the only thing that would ever completely cure me from my eating disorder was falling pregnant and having a family and I can honestly say that for me, this is 110% true. For the first time in my life I am not restricting myself from eating what I truly want to eat and gaining weight isn't something that scares me at all.

In saying this, I am not recommending people out there with eating disorders should try and fall pregnant so they can recover, as this is often not the case. In fact, falling pregnant has been known to make many peoples eating disorders a lot worse and subsequently they put the health of their babies at risk. But I always knew that this would not happen to me, as my maternal instinct is far stronger then my eating disorder instinct ever has been and ever will be. My mum was exactly the same. She had issues with food in her later teen and early adult years and only truly ate well and started looking after herself properly for the first time when she fell pregnant for the first time, with my older brother. All in all, I hope that this gives hope to others out there who are currently suffering that there really is life after an eating disorder. Recovery is a long and hard road but the fight is well worth it when you get the end and get to live the life you have always dreamed about.

A great Summer

This week I have commenced my final year of university study. Although I am exciting to be nearing the end of my university degree, I really am not feeling motivated to be back studying again as I was really enjoying my summer break. Overall, this summer has been a really enjoyable one. Here in Tasmania really hot days are usually quite rare, even in summer however this year we have had continuous weeks of hot weather which I have really enjoyed.

Christmas and New years was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed getting to spend heaps of time with my partner as he had a couple of weeks off work. We had his kids quite a bit which I really enjoyed as they are great kids and treat me really well. We spent multiple days at the dam or river just swimming and sunbaking, eating yummy foods, relaxing and drinking sometimes too. I attended my first Rodeo which was a lot of fun, went to melbourne to see Shanis Twain in concert and also participated in a 5 kilometer fun run called 'run the bridge'.

My mindset has been pretty good over the past few months and I am becoming more and more comfortable with my body which is great. My weight has stabilised at what I think is probably a healthy and natural weight for me and I feel relatively happy and healthy in myself. The eating disorder qualms I was having throughout the year last year have got a lot better and although I weigh around 5 kilograms more than I did this time last year, I don't dislike my body any less.

I suppose what happened to me last year was an important reminder to me that as much as I would like to, I cant just forget about my eating disorder past and live like everybody else. I honestly believed that I was fully recovered and that I didn't have to worry about food or weight or anything else ever again and then my eating disorder creeped back in. This wasn't reflected in my weight as I didn't lose weight but I could tell by my thoughts that I was relapsing.

I have managed to pull it all together however and even though I am feeling much better now, I don't want to make the same mistake again and risk falling into that disordered mind set. Don't get me wrong, I still have days now when I get anxious and worry about what to eat, how I look and what I weigh however I am on top of it enough to not let it affect my actions or stop me from being healthy or living my life.

It has been a bit hard since my partner has gone back to work as we are still living an hour a part and he has no drivers licence however any days/nights we aren't together we spend a lot of time chatting on the phone or messaging. His family are also incredibly welcoming of me so I stay with them all quite a lot and feel like a part of the family when I am there which is really nice. We have an amazing relationship and I feel incredibly grateful for how well he treats me and how special he makes me feel.

I don't really have much else to report, I just wanted to let everyone know how I am getting on and remind people that there is life at the end of an eating disorder. No matter how hopeless or impossible recovery may seem, you can do it! It is hard, excruciating in fact however I promise it is well worth it in the end. I still read back through my old journals from when I was sick sometimes and every time I amaze myself, thinking about how sick I was and how far I have come. So I truly do believe that recovery is possible for anyone, you just have to believe in yourself and work hard!

Loving life

A lot has happened since last time I posted but I can honestly say I am currently happy and healthy and making the most of my recovered life! Just before Christmas last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. It was so hard  losing Nathan as he  was my best friend and the person I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with however it became evident that we wanted different things in life and unfortunately he just wasn’t capable of loving me as much as I loved him. So I accepted the fact that we needed to part ways and although it was incredibly difficult at the time, I can now see that it was the best thing for me! I moved home to Swansea with my dad and sister which was good timing really as my parents had separated not long before so I basically stepped up and took on the mother  role for my little sister. I also got a job waitressing at the local pub and made a plan to continue my university course from home in Swansea when classes commenced in 2018.

Everybody was so frightened that I would get sick again when I broke up with my boyfriend but I was determined to prove everyone wrong and made sure I continued eating well whether I felt like it or not. It took me months to stop feeling really sad everyday as I missed Nathan so much but it honestly has got so much easier! I have made some amazing friends here in Swansea which made the main difference  and love being home with my dad and sister. I have even mended me and my mums broken relationship and  have myself a new guy friend that I spend a fair bit of time with and care for a lot which has also helped me to move on from Nathan! It seriously would have been so easy to just fall back into bad habits when I was miserable and missing Nathan but I never skipped a meal no matter how terrible I felt and simply didn’t let my anorexia take advantage of my vulnerability. I new I needed to stay healthy and strong so that I could go on to live the life I deserved one day.

I am currently really happy with the relationship I have with food and have even gained a few kilo since moving home which has been good for me (probably due to all the socializing I have been doing which typically involves drinking alcohol and eating out with friends at restaurants)! I have also become relaxed enough around food just to graze on things that are laying around the house without worrying about the calories they contain or how much I have eaten each day. I no longer go to a gym which is something I was doing a lot of before I moved back home to Swansea but I can honestly say I like my body more now then I did before I gained these last few kilos! I feel more womanly and confident in my own body and still manage to stay active between walking my dog around Swansea and also waitrssing which is surprisingly an incredibly active job! I have been managing to balance my home,work, social and uni lives pretty well. 

I did find myself feeling quite rundown and exhausted over the last couple of weeks and I was suffering from quite heavy nose bleeds and headaches. I went to the doctor and had some blood tests which revealed I had become iron deficient and anemic so I had an iron transfusion a couple of days ago and am already starting to feel better! From now on I just need to make more of an effort to eat more red meat and monitor my iron levels to make sure they don’t fall low again. As well as everything else I am already juggling I have just bought a horse and joined a netball team so I am about to be even busier if that is even possible, so I can’t afford to be feeling drained or unwell! I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling strong and positive as I have a bit of uni to catch up on during the day and then have to work tomorrow night. Anyway so better go to sleep now and I just want to remind everyone that no matter how hard recovery may seem, I promise it is worth it! 

Stay strong and keep fighting, 

Karly XX

I still cant believe I recovered

Tonight I watched a documentary on anorexia and found myself thinking about my time whilst I was sick. I try not to think about what life was like for me when I was at the grips of Anorexia as it was so terrorizing and painful but at the same time I think it is so important not to ever forget just how awful it was so that I never fall back into my old ways. I also feel as though I have a responsibility as a recovered anorexia to share my story to raise awareness and also help others who are suffering. I feel so incredibly grateful that I managed to defy the odds and recover from the killer illness that had me totally consumed for over 3 years of my life. Even now I find myself totally amazed that I actually managed to recover, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I think what society fails to realise is just how traumatising it is to have an eating disorder like anorexia. I remember hating my life so much but feeling as though trying to get better would be so painful that it would be easier just to die. I didn't like the way I looked, I knew I was too thin but for some reason gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world. I hated counting calories and obsessing over food but still, I allowed this things to control my life. Fighting my illness seriously felt more frightening for me than it would have been for me to be thrown in a tank with a great white shark or jump off of a 100 story building. Which is why I still cant believe I actually managed to take on my anorexia and recover.

Not only did I manage to recover, but I  managed to do it completely on my own. My family, doctors and friends had all given up on me and when I told them I was going to try and recover, I knew they didn't believe me. I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. They had heard so many false promises from me and knew what kind of hold my illness had on me. It had gotten to the stage they didn't really even talk to me about trying to get better anymore, everyone just believed that it was who I was and that I would die with my illness, whether it was in 12 months or 12 years. And if I am completely honest, that is what I believed too.

I still don't really know why I started to truly try and recover when I did or why I finally found the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. It wasn't the fact that I was miserable with my life as I had been miserable for years and still hadn't managed to recover. I think my break through moment was when I started believing that I was worthy of recovery and that I did deserve to be happy, which before then I hadn't believed. So that was why I started my recovery but as for how I managed to recover, I owe that completely to my Blog. I have no doubt that if I didn't start my blog when I did I would still be living with my illness, or worse still I wouldn't be living at all.

When I made the decision to truly try and recover, I was living alone and had no one around me to keep me accountable. I had no one telling me what, when or how much to eat. I had no one telling me I wasn't allowed to exercise or that I needed to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I had no doctors or specialists giving me advice, I just had my blog and my readers who kept me 100% accountable. Before I started my blog I would set goals for myself and make meal plans for myself in attempt of making a recovery however I never managed to see anything through. Once I wrote goals or plans down on my blog however, I always managed to stick to them 100%, no matter how hard it was.

Not only did I feel as though I had to stick to my recovery plan for my sake anymore, but I felt as though I had to do it for the sake of my readers. I felt as though I needed to show them that it was possible to fight their eating disorder thoughts and that if I gave into my anorexia, I was letting my readers down. Every time the temptation arose to burn some extra energy or eat a little bit less, I never let myself do any of those things as I didn't want to have to write about giving into my anorexia on my blog. Instead, I wanted to be able to write about my victories and how even though it was hard and the temptation arose, I never gave into my anorexia or gave up.

Some nights the guilt and pain I felt over the food I had eaten or the weight I had gained became so overwhelming that I would just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. It was so hard to put myself through that kind of pain, especially when I didn't even know if I would ever recover. But I knew that if I gave up I would be showing all my readers who believed recovery was impossible, that they were right. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could play a part in preventing another person recovering from their illness. I was completely honest on my blog about my achievements and progress and writing each day about how I was feeling was like therapy for me.

People from all over the world started emailing me and through helping those people, I was able to help myself even more. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so any advice I gave to others I always made sure I followed myself and through motivating others to get better, I found that I was also encouraging myself to keep moving towards recovery. I had people messaging me or commenting on my posts telling me that I was helping them in their recoveries and this was possibly the biggest incentive for me in my own recovery. This made me want to win every battle I had with my anorexia so that I could write about it and inspire others to do the same. I didn't only want to get better so I could live a better life anymore, I wanted to get better to prove to other sufferers that it was possible.

If you have never had an eating disorder yourself, I cant even begin to explain how hard it is to not only live with but also recover from. And if you do have an eating disorder or have had an eating disorder then you will understand exactly what I am talking about! I never thought I would be able to recover and still cant believe I actually did. I honestly feel as though I have achieved the impossible and that I will be able to overcome anything I am ever faced with in the future. My only hope now is that I can make as many sufferers as possible believe that no matter how sick you are, you can always get better. You just have to believe it is possible, believe you are strong enough and believe you are worthy of a recovered life!

Happy and healthy with my boyfriend and sister vs underweight, sick, alone and unhappy

Home to Swansea

After not being home to see my family since christmas, I really enjoyed travelling home to Swansea for the weekend with my boyfriend. Things have not been great for my family over the last few months and even though the issues are still ongoing, it was still nice to go home and see everyone. Now that I have my own life in Launceston, it would be so easy to just completely distance myself from my family and all their problems back in Swansea but that wouldnt be fair on my little sister and dad. I love them so much and want to be there for them to help them through any difficulties they may face. So my boyfriend and I started the 1.5 hour drive to Swansea when he finished work on Friday afternoon and we arrived at my family home at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately my dad was away for the weekend but it was still great to see my sister. My sister Amy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and despite the 6 year age gap between us, we get along incredibely well. 

On Saturday morning my mum and I went for a walk on our farm and had a very close encounter with a 6 foot long tiger snake. By the time we saw the snake, we were only a single step away from it and it obviously felt threatened by us as it reared its head and striked at us. Luckily we both jumped back at that exact moment so the snakes head (and fangs) just missed us. If the snake had tried to bite us a second time it would have bitten one of us for sure as we were simply too close and couldnt get away. Thank goodness it decided to slither off instead leaving us full if adrenalin but unharmed. We then drove into Swansea to visit my nan before meeting my herbalife coach Phoebe for lunch. I had my all time favourite meal (which I hadnt had for ages) caeser salad and it was so yummy! We then visited my other nan and went out for tea with my mum. For tea I had Spaghetti bolognaise with a side of vegetables which was ok but not as nice as lunch. I loooove pasta but prefer tomato or chicken based pastas, rather then mince. I still ate it all though, to everyone elses surprise as it was huuuuge! 

I took my mum home after tea but then went back into town with my boyfriend Nathan. I wasnt drinking alcohol like I usually do when we go out in Swansea as I had to drive home but my boyfriend was and we had heaps of fun playing 8 ball (pool). We also chatted with my uncle, aunt and cousin for an hour or two which was really nice. When we got home that night my brother Luke was there so it was really nice to see him. The following morning nathan, Amy and I headed into Swansea with two of our puppies to go for a nice walk on the beach. We had running races on the beach and just enjoyed the sunshine and scenery. We started the drive back to Launceston at about 2pm and were back home by about 4. Overall it was a really nice weekend and I am looking forward to heading back to Swansea one weekend soon, but when my dad is home so we can spend some time with him too.

This is the type of snake we ran into 

My gorgeous sister and myself

My boyfriend nathan and me

Nathan, cassie the puppy and me

Just do it

What everyone suffering from an eating disorder needs to realise is that you will never be completely ready to recover and if you wait around for that day to come, then sadly you will most likely never recover. Its awful, but very true. No matter when you choose to get better, its going to be just as painful so I believe you might as well try and recover sooner rather than later, so that you dont waste anymore of you life unwell then you need to.

You may waste 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades of your life in that awful 'existing but not living' anorexic state we all know far too well. Personally, I spent about 2 and a half years there, before I realised I was going to do what ever it would take to make myself well again, no matter how painful it would be. Now, I wish I had started my true recovery sooner so that I didnt waste those years of my life, miserable like I did. I told myself at the time that I was trying to get better but now I can see that I wasnt really. I did want to get better but I wasnt actively fighting for me recovery like I needed to do.

I promise, being recovered is so worth every bit of pain that you go through during recovery and if I had to do it all over again to ensure I would end up as happy as I currently am, then I would without a doubt! No matter how hard things get whilst you are fighting your eating disorder, just keep reminding yourself of what you are fighting for and remember that although it may not feel like it, fighting tour anorexia cant actually kill you, only listening to your anorexia can do that.

A busy couple of days + food diary

The last two days I have been very busy, trying to juggle uni, work and also looking after myself. Something I have learnt is that my health is ALWAYS what I need to put first. Afterall, if I dont do this then I am not able to do well in any other aspects of my life anyway. I have had quite a bad cold the last few days too so tgis has made looking after nyself even more important. As I know that I dont only have to provide myself with enough energy so that I can get through each day as well as allow my body to fight my cold.

I had to work for 4.5 hours yesterday and 5 hours today at mcdonalds  so that has made it hard for me to get any studying done but luckily I had a really productive day at uni on Tuesday so I got heaps done then! I also have a full day to spend at uni too so that I can get through this weeks lecture and tutorial recordings. If need be I can also spend some time this weekend getting on top of everything before the new week begins. I cant believe we are almost in week 5! I am still really enjoying uni though and love the sunjects I am doing too.

Due to being unwell, I have not been working out at the gym as I usually do. I just dont have that type of energy and dont want to push my body to hard, when it is already fighting to make me well again. Also, because my chest is very congested, breathing is not the easiest and I have also been coughing a lot too. Yesterday I did get up early to go to a yoga class at the gym though which I really enjoyed. Today, I also missed the gym and just went for a nice walk instead. It did me so much much good to get out in the fresh air and I found that it was just what I needed.

Despite having a cold, I am still feeling so good using my herbalife products and eating more nutritiously. I feel as though they are really helping me to fight my cold too. I have been drinking my herbalife original lemon tea which has been soothing my throat and making my head feel clearer. I have also tried two new flavours of nutritional shake too, Berry and Cookies and Cream. And they are all just as delicious as the french vanilla flavour! I have also started drinking mango flavoured 'Aloe' which I am enjoying too. It is supposed to support digestion and I find it really helps with my energy levels too.

Finally, I thought I would share with you all what I ate today. I planned to do a photo food diary however I only managed to take a photo of my morning shake and then forgot to do any others. So I will just write it out for you all.

Breakfast: 1 Banana Berry Herbalife shake made with 2 scoops of Berry nutritional powder, 1 banana, 4 strawberries and 1 cup of light soy milk

Morning tea: 2 portions of honey Oats prepared with half soy milk and half water, 1 scoop of protein powder and a dash of cinnamon

Lunch: A grilled chicken salad made with chicken , cherry tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber, boiled egg and 4 crispbread biscuits topped with 2 slices of cheese

Afternoon tea: 1 nice and natural nut trail bar and 1 apple

Tea: Beef ragu pappardelle with vegetables (sweet potato, carrot, peas and broccoli)

Dessert: 1 small almond and chocolate protein bar and 1 pot of blueberry yoghurt

Less structured eating routine

Since starting a new job at mcdonalds, I have found it quite difficult to continue eating 6 meals everyday. Especially since I am usually gone from home for 6 hours or so, without a chance to eat.

To ensure I keep up my calorie intake, I am increasing the size of my meals as I decrease the number of meals I have. For instance today I only had time for 5 meals, but I increased the size of my first two meals and dessert to make up for it.

Although it seems as though I am forcing in much more food then I actually need at each meal, I know that this is what I need to do to make sure I get enough energy and dont lose weight. I know it is important for me to take this precaution as I still manage to lose weight much easier then other people, even when I dont want to.

What is your experience of this? Do you find that losing weight happens particularly easily after weight restoration happens? Do you have a possible explanation for this?

Finally, I will share with you my food diary for the day, as I know many of my readers enjoy them :)

Todays food diary

Pre breakfast snack (6:00am):
1 twist bar and 1 vanilla up and go supplement drink

Breakfast (9:00am)
2 portions of strawberry flavoured oats prepared with 50% water, 50% milk and topped with 1 large sliced banana

Late lunch (3:00pm)
1 packet of two minute noodles, 1 apple and 1 small kinder chocolate bar

Tea (6:00pm)
1 large serve of tomato pasta served on a bed of baby spinach with cherry tomatoes

Dessert (8:00pm)
1 tub of two fruits, 1 hot chocolate and 1 small packet of choc chip cookies (25g)

Me with my boyfriends cat Bella

Me with curly hair (since getting healthier, my curly hair has come back)

Getting anorexic thoughts more often

I am still feeling much better and no longer consider myself to be 'suffering' from an eating disorder anymore, however I admit I still do get anorexic thoughts sometimes. Lately, I feel as though I have been getting more and more of these anorexic thoughts regarding eating and exercise and the only explanation I can think of is that it is due to the few kilos I have accidentally lost over the last month or so.

I really didnt mean to lose this weight however it just seemed to happen as my eating routine was changed quite a bit when I moved  to Launceston. I also wasnt keeping a check on my weight as I was before I moved so had no idea I was actually losing weight. I suppose that this just goes to show how sensitive my body still is to change and that I really do need to make an extra special effort to ensure that I am giving my body the energy it needs.

Obviously my weight has fallen slightly below my healthy natural set point weight, which has caused me to have more unhealthy thoughts. Most likely due to my brain chemistry not being as stable as it was when I was a few kilos heavier. The types of thoughts I have been having have not been about wanting to lose weight or be smaller than I already am. They have more been about being frightened I am eating too much or not exercising enough, which will lead to weight gain.

I have been trying my best to challenge these thoughts and am trying to do the opposite of what they tell me to do but it is proving to be quite difficult. I know in my heart that I need to change something, as otherwise I can see things spiralling out of control and I really dont want to risk having a relapse. I know that I really am yhe luckiest girl in the world to have found my wonderful boyfriend and I love my life so much, I really dont want anything to ruin that.

So I think that my best option is to try and regain the weight I have recently lost. This will hopefully get me back to my healthy set point (the weight where I am able to think most rationally and healthily). This will also mean that I will be doing exactly what my anorexic thoughts arent telling me to do, which I know from experience will make me stronger again and my anorexia weaker again. I dont expect this is going to be easy however I have done it once, so I know I can do it again! I am strong enough to do this!

Afterall, even though gaining weight seems a little scary, I  was perfectly happy with my weight before I lost weight, so there is no reason why I cant be perfectly happy at that weight again.

Being with Friends

One of the worst things about my illness was that I grew apart from my old friends. When I was sick, I just didn't have the time or energy to socialise with anyone and I felt as though I was completely alone. I know that a art of the reason why I am so happy and enjoying life so much now that I am so much better is because I have made some truly wonderful friends and am able to socialise again. I have also started talking to a few of my old friends again and am incredibely grateful to have them back in my life.

Since becoming well again, I have grown incredibly close to my gorgeous cousin who I have always known, but have not always been great friends with. Jemma is without a doubt one of my best friends and I really o feel as though I would be completely lost without her. It really makes no difference at all that she is 5 years younger than me as I really couldn't be any closer to her than I already am. I hae always been really youndg at heart anyway and I really do feel as though I am still 16 anyway.

And then there is my other best friend, who I have only known for about two months. Jozzy is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I feel as though she is here for me no matter what. We actually met because she was seeing my brother for a little while and even though it is unfortunate that things didn't work out between her and my brother, I am still incredibly grateful as I wouldnt have gotten to know her so well otherwise. When we are together, we never run out of things to talk about. She sent me the following cute picture the other day;

Life is so much better now that  I have these wondderful people in my life and I know that I would not have been able to develop such strong friendships with these girls if I was still sick. Throughout my recovery I really have started living again and it feels as though these two wonderful friends as well as the other people I have deveoped good friendships with) are just another of the many positive things that have come out of me getting better.

 

Jemma sent this to me the other day which although a bit cheesy, sums up our friendship perfectly :)

Still anorexic or just a normal girl?

Sometimes its hard to know if certain thoughts you may have are eating disordered thoughts, or if they are just a part of being a normal girl. I have always said that I won't consider myself to be fully recovered until I no longer get any eating disorder thoughts, however having occasional worries about food of your weight is quite normal for most people and I think that expecting to never have any If these thoughts is not a reasonable expectation.

For example It is a bit frustrasting that if my best friend says her bum looks big in whatever she is wearing, it is ok but if I say the same thing, people think I am being anorexic. I guess what I am trying to say is that I DO believe making a full recovery is possible, but at the same time I expect I will always have a few eating disorder like thoughts because that is just normal for all girls and probably guys too.

If you ask any normal girl if they want to gain weight, I guarantee most of them willsay no. This doesnt make them anorexic, it is quickly accepted. So is it really that unhealthy for me to say I dont want to gain a lot more weight either because I currently like my body the way it is? Also even though I still worry I have over eaten sometimes, I worry a lot less then I did before I ever developed anorexia. My relationship with food is definetely the best it has been since I was a child, but still I am not considered to be fully recovered.

I guess its not something I should worry about, afterall worrying wont get me anywhere. I guess I just need to keep going as I am and hope that I continue to improve. If my thoughts were to remain the same as they are now for the rest of my life though, I would be ok with that too. My eating disorder no longer interferes with my life and I feel healthy and happy so I guess that is what matters most.

For example last weekend I had an amazing weekend and not once did my eating disorder interfere with that. I ate out, ate junk food, drank a lot, wore bikinis, exercised less and didn't let myself compensate for doing all those things afterwards. I just continued to get on with my life like a normal person would after a wonderful weekend. Who knows if I am as recovered as I will ever be or if I still have more progress to be made.

All that matters is that I am happy and making the most of life which I am! What about you? What do you think determines whether you are recovered?