Feeling unwell

Even though I woke up feeling fine this morning, throughout the day my energy levels are rapidly depleting and I just dont feel very well at all. I am feeling tired and drained, even though I havent been very busy and I feel nauseous too.

I have been getting hot and cold flushes also, which suggests I probably have a touch of a stomach bug or some other virus. Fingers crossed it will pass quickly and I will be back to my usual energetic and bubbly self before I know it.

I feel terrible as I know that I am not very good company for my poor boyfriend but for the the time being I just need to look after myself. Which means having a rest day and letting my body recover from whatever I have. 

Knowing when you are physically recovered

It can be hard to tell when you are physically recovered or getting close to being fully recovered physically. It is really difficult to know when you should start to cut down on your calorie intake during recovery, especially if you are trying to recover on your own. I used the following indicators to help me decide when to reduce my intake slightly...

1. I reached a healthy bmi as well as the goal weight that my doctor set for me

2. My bones no longer stuck out unaturally as they used to do

3. I could fit nicely into normal sized clothes once again

4. I no longer felt the cold or suffered from poor circulation like I once dd

5. My pulse rate is normal

6. My figure has returned to the same shape it was before I got anorexia

7. My energy levels increased significantly, as did my strength

8. People no longer stared at me or commented on me being thin

10. My family all told me how fantastic I was looking and told me how proud they were of me

There are still a few indicators that I am not completely physically recovered however which is why I am still eating a recovery intake (more than 2500 calories). These include...

1. I still havent had a natural period

2. My stomach still bloats sometimes and I have a few digestion issues

I am really glad that I have reached a healthy weight and I am even happier that I am able to accept my body at this weight. It is really important that you do not reduce your intake as soon as you reach a minimally acceptable bmi as this does not indicate you have reached a healthy and recovered body state. If you reduce your intake too soon, while you may be an acceptable weight, your internal organs will not be fully repaired and your metabolism and bodily functions may not work efficiently. 

July 2013

July 2015

I think you can even see a huge difference in my face between these two photos. I think my face looks much healthier now. In the first photo my face even looks much thinner then Amy's and Amy is 8 years younger then me.

Recovery does get easier

I honestly believe that actually deciding you want to recover and starting to fight your anorexic thoughts is the hardest part of recovery. The moment when you stop listening to everything your anorexia says and instead start doing what you need to in order to survive is extremely diffiult and terrifying, but you need to remember that one day when you are recovered, it will all be totally worth it.

I guess what makes this so much harder is the fact that your mind is so malnourished and is not able to think rationally at the very beginning of your recovery, which makes everything seem so much more impossible. I remember thinking that I couldn't bare to recover if every day was going to be as painful as the initiial stages in my recovery but I can honestly say that it has gotten much easier with time.

As you get stronger and your mind starts to repair you start thinking more rationally and it then gets slightly easier to fight your anorexic thoughts, until eventually they dissappear all together. For example while my anorexia was with me every moment of every day at the beginning of my recovery, now I can go hours at a time without having a single anorexic thought.

It also gets easier because every time you successfully fight your anorexia throughout your recovery, it gets a little weaker and you get a little stronger. Time alone cannot allow things to get easier and allow you to recover. You need to actively fight your anorexia and ensure that you are making progress by challenging your anorexic thoughts.

So please, I know that starting to make recovery progress seems impossible but you just need to believe that it is possible and that you are strong enough to do it because you are. You also need to remember that it does get easier but you really do need to push through the bad days, in order to get to the better ones. I know that no one chooses to get an eating disorder, but we can choose to fight it and that is exactly what we need to do, no matter how hard it may seem.

Feeling like a normal girl

Today has been a really good day. I have felt almost normal today and have manged to forget that I am in fact recovering from an eating disorder which I think is fantastic! Sometimes, it is just so nice to be ale to compltely forget about your worries and to just feel like a normal 20 year old girl. I suppose that this just shows how much I have improved since the time when my my anorexia was controlling most of my thoughts. Now I can go a whole day with only an occasional anorexic thought or feeling. Realising how far I have come gives me hope that I can make the progress I need to make in the future in order to recover.

I took Tess for a walk this morning to the beach and although it had been quite windy it was not as cold as it has been over the past few weeks which is good. I am hoping that this slightly warmer weather is a sign that the coldest part of winter has now passed. I really enjoyed my morning prior to going to work. I replied to some emails, wrote some blog posts and watched some 'Harte of Dixie'. Something else I was happy about was that I reached 20 000 pageviews. I know that this may not seem like many pageviews  to some people who blog however I am delighted to know that I have had this many pageviews and this makes me want to thank everyone who reads my blog.

As soon as I got to work at 9:30 I had an assesment for my traineeship that went really well. My accessor was really happy with how organised and prepared I was and said that my work was of a very high stadard which was great to hear and gave me the confidence boost I needed. Since my coworker has not been very nice to me over the last few weeks I was starting to doubt myself and feel as though I was not good enough but after my assesment I felt great! I started believing that I am good enough again and I think that this was reflected in my work performance today.

I got lots of work done and am going to try my hardest not to let the way my co-worker treats me in the future determine the confidence I have in myself and my abilities. After work I took Tess for a quick walk to the shop where I caught up with my mum. When I got home I cooked myself rice and veetables for tea and then had a shower and wached masterchef while I ate my dessert. I hope that everyone has a fantastic day/night. <3 x  I am struggling to keep my eyes open at the moment so will most likely have an early night again.

In order to recover....

Day 3: list 3 things you like about yourself

I have been sitting here for a long time thinking of what to write but am really struggling to think of anything. I havent always found it this hard to find things I like about myself but I have been like this for a very long time. When I was younger I remember looking in the mirror and actually liking how I looked but then feeling instantly guilty for thinking these things. This continued for a few years until I eventually stopped seeing any positives about myself at all and could only see my floors. I suppose this is what led to me having such bad self esteem and no self confidence, both of which contributed to the development of my eating disorder.

I think I started feeling guilty for thinking good things about myself after a incident that happened when I was only about 5 years old. I dont really remember a lot from this early on in my life but for some reason I have never forgotten this. I was about to go to a swimming lesson and had just put on a pair of new bathers. I remember looking at myself in my bathers and thinking I looked pretty and skinny so started walking very confidentely around the house. When my mum saw me she told me that it wasn't very nice for a little girl to be 'strutting' around like I was. I remember feeling confused as before then I didnt see anything wrong with acting confidentely. Ever since then I have associated thinking something good about myself or acting confidentely with being self absorbed or 'up myself'.

The 3 things I have finally thought of are my bubbly personality, my determination and my eyes.

1. My bubbly personality
Naturally, I have a very bubbly personality. At times throughout my illness I have been really down and my bubbly personality has failed to shine through but most of the time I am bright and cheerful unless I have a big reason not to be. I feel very sorry for the people who are naturally unhappy as I think it is so much better to be friendly and happy all the time. I notice that some of the pleople I work with are rude and abrupt to customers and have to try really hard, just to be pleasant. When I go to work, I dont even have to try to be lovely to the customers, it just happens. One customer at work even calls me 'smiley' as I am always so happy whilst I am at work.

For me, it would take a lot more energy to be angry and grumpy and by acting that way I would only make myself feel depressed so there would really be no point. I believe that having a bubbly personality helps me stay happy and positive throughout difficult times, like now while I am recovering. It feels really good when I make others around me, like customers, feel happy through simply being kind and polite to them. I find it strange when people thank me for being so nice and kind as I feel like everybody should treat others this way. I really dont think that it should stand out when someone acts the why I do towards other people.

2. My determination

I am a really determined person who never gives up. I have always worked really hard at anything I set my mind to and always try my absolute best. A few times throughout my past my determination and hard working nature have actually worked against me. Like when I decided I wanted to lose weight. Once I set this goal for myself there was no stopping me and I didnt give up until I achieved it. Another time that my determination has been a bad thing is when I became obsessed with my school work. I worked really hard as I wanted to succeed with my studies but like my weight loss I took it too far and ended up really miserable and unhappy. This eventually led to me having to stop studying all together.

It probably sounds weird that I chose my determination as something I like about myself as it has caused me problems at various times in my life. Whenever I am able to healthily use my hard working nature however, it helps me achieve wonderful things. Right throughout school I excelled academically and this was purely due to how determined I was and how hard I worked (I havent always taken my studying to the unhealthy extremes that I did in college and at university). At the moment I am using my determination to help me with my recovery and I hope to be able to use it positively in my future as well. My determination will help be succeed in my career as well as hopefully helping people suffering from eatting disorders in some way.


3. My eyes
when I was in hospital one of the nurses asked me what physical feature I liked about myself. I instantly told her I didnt like anything at all. She told me she would be back that night and that I would need to think of something before then. I had to think for hours and hours but couldnt think of a thing. I went through every part of my body and even made the following list of things I hated about myself in my diary;

Gross skin.... Pimples
-ugly
-frizzy hair
-hairy arms
-big knees
-fat feet
-boobs
-big crooked ears
-scarred and uneven lips
-scarred skin
-hairy tummy
-ligamentous laxity
-bloated stomach
-I hate the fact that I hate myself

Eventually I thought of something I didnt hate, my eyes. They are green and I have extra long eye lashes. My lashes are so long that sometimes people ask me if I am wearing fake eye lashes or think im wearing mascara when I am not. For some reason  I also didnt feel as guilty for accepting I liked my eyes as I would have if I had thought of any other body part I liked. So I told my nurse that my eyes were the part of my body I likes and she was quite satisfied. She told me she would ask me to think of something new each day but she never asked again. Luckily she didnt because to this day I still havent thought of anything else about else about myself (besides being skinny once I lost weight, but that was only my anorexia that liked it.)

Try to comment something that you like about yourself below. If you have trouble thinking of anything like I have, this probably means that you also need to work on loving yourself and increasing your self confidence. You have to know that liking things about yourself doesn't make you conceited, it will just allow you to be happier and healthier.