Not being the skinniest anymore (article)

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hunger-artist/201306/not-being-the-thinnest-any-more-how-adjust

 When you’re recovering from anorexia, it’s one of the most frightening things in the world to realise that you’re no longer the thinnest person in the room. And for it suddenly to be true not just once, but usually. After years of starving yourself, followed by months of regaining the weight you lost in anorexia, there comes a point where you realise that your body no longer looks anorexic: your bones aren’t visible as they used to be, you don’t look brittle enough to break in two, your muscles aren’t wasted away right down to the bone, your face isn’t any longer remarkable mainly for the hollows round the eyes or the concave lines where your cheeks try to connect up with your chin. Maybe you loved those things, or thought you did; maybe you knew you hated them, but you loved and needed what they represented: the illusions of control, strength, and purity that felt so special and precious to you. In any case, when you decided to get better, you decided to obliterate them: to let a protective layer of fat cover your bones and organs again, to let the muscles rebuild themselves, to become again someone that people—and you yourself, in the mirror—can see not as just a sick person but as a person with other, more interesting and less saddening qualities.

But having decided to let, and make, these changes happen doesn’t mean you’ll find it easy when they do, so I thought I’d offer a few thoughts about how to make it a little bit easier. My thoughts split into two strands: the strand that says be gentle and patient with yourself, and the strand that says simply stick rigidly to your plan (i.e. keep eating). They can require somewhat different attitudes, but they come together in the importance of just waiting it out, and waiting for it to be better.

I’ll begin with a diary entry from Christmas Day of 2008, which was a day I remember vividly as one when my new body (I’d been eating more since mid-July, and I weighed about 52 kg, with a BMI of about 18.5) felt very alien to me. The things I wrote then bring together some of what I want to talk about now.

Thursday 25th December 2008, 11:56 pm

Difficult. Lovely food, & I’ve eaten too much—i.e. the right amount, a good amount for Christmas; but the aftermath—or rather, the lull between dinner proper & the leftovers I ate more ravenously & uncontrollably—was difficult, & D [who would soon become my boyfriend] had to help me through it. Or rather, he didn’t have to—but he was able to; & I feel calmer & better for his having rung & texted. I was captivated by one of the awful Corfu photos of me & Sue [my mother], comparing it with those taken on North Sands this morning. I looked deathlike then I know; but can’t help staring, & longing with a great insidious part of myself to be her again. That other sexless joyless creature. D was shocked—had tears in his eyes, he said, when he saw it; a concentration-camp survivor; someone he’d never dare touch—nor one, I said, who would want to be touched by him. I feel again I’ve burdened him with my past; but it’s felt real today, the fear, as I see my fat puffy face in photos where my bones used to give it definition. But he says he likes curves not angles. And Tom [my father] has given me a beautiful dress—yet another long sleeveless thing, wine-coloured silk […]; & I could try on the dress & parade around in it without embarrassment about my arms [being too thin]—even if the photos I thought appalling.

The first thing to be aware of is that everyone in recovery has moments, even whole days, when they feel disgusted by their new, bigger body and long for their former smaller one, when however often they recite all the good reasons for regaining weight, and all the things that this process is and represents besides gaining fat, none of it has any force against the sheer overwhelming feeling of being fat, ungainly, in the wrong body. Sometimes, the only thing to do is cling on to those mantras you should have developed for yourself—all the reasons why anorexia made life intolerable, and all the physical and thereby psychological restoration that the higher numbers on the scales or the tape measure represent—and to wait for the awfulness to pass, which it will, as everything does.

Five months into recovery

Source: Emily T. Troscianko

That’s for the worst times. For the rest, and to pre-empt those, a few other thoughts might help. Perhaps most importantly of all, be patient. This all takes time. The early stages of rehydration and restoration of fat deposits may be uneven. You may have a slightly bloated looking face, as I do in this photo, which in my diary I called ‘fat’ and ‘puffy’, and which now looks terribly terribly tired—illness was exhausting, and recovery was even more so—but with a light of hopefulness in the eyes. Fat may also be deposited preferentially around your middle to begin with, to help protect vital organs. This is perfectly normal, and with time everything will even out, as long as you continue to be strict with yourself, and eat as planned. Remember that the body dysmorphia that often goes with anorexia—hich seems to manifest itself not just in explicit body representations and perceptions but also in automatic motor behaviours (Keizer et al. 2013)—won’t instantly be cured. But it will, with time, and consistent eating and consistent efforts to address its explicit aspects.

At an explicit level, articulated aesthetic ideals will take time to shift from their anorexic incarnations (staring enviously at catwalk models’ upper arms or whatever) to the acknowledgement of beauty in different, healthier kinds of bodies. While your articulated values still lag behind how your body looks, there’ll be all the discomfort of cognitive dissonance as you work towards a kind of body that you’ve spent so long finding reasons to reject—but it’s very important not to attempt to reduce that dissonance by eating less again, and instead to work on reducing it by seeking out and acknowledging alternative, more real, forms of beauty in people whose bodies support rich and varied lives rather than crippling them.

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The more you can be patient, and take the long view, the more you’ll be rewarded in the end. My body four years ago, at (or just over) a healthy weight, was nothing like how it is today; part of this is due to the barbell training, but much of it is just time: time for fluid and fat to be redistributed, time for muscles and tendons to grow and be used and further strengthened, time for you to learn how to be at ease in your body and to get to know what it can do and what it can’t (yet). Nothing stays quite the same, ever, whether we want it to or not, but in the years following the restoration of a healthy bodyweight after anorexia, this constant mutability can be a source of delight, manifesting the human body’s miraculous ability to restore itself from the lowest point of deprivation. This depends, again, on bravery and strictness in resisting the urge to restrict and lose weight again because everything isn’t instantly how you’d like it to be. Give your body time, but also give it the best possible chance.

And it sounds awfully clichéd, but try not to fight against how your body is changing; embrace the changes. This is a mental attitude, but it’s one (like all mental states, indeed) that can be nurtured through specific actions. For example, don’t keep trying to wear all the same kinds of clothes you used to when you were ill; lots of them won’t suit you any more (though some may now look much better on you), and clinging to the old styles won’t help you move away from your anorexic body. Enjoy, ideally with other people, the journey of finding out what works for you now, but don’t expect everything to. Another thing that applies specifically to women, and which I found easy to embrace but which for others can be very difficult, is the newly feminine quality of your body, and – as noted in the diary entry – its now potentially sexual character. This was something that I’d completely failed to think about before I began to eat again, so consumed was I by worries about my tummy getting bigger, but the fact that I now began to have breasts again was actually quite a delight. Getting hips again was more difficult, but seeing that side of myself come back into being, and seeing others’ reactions change accordingly, made leaving skeletal behind much easier.

Stopping fighting your body by feeding its appetites again should go hand in hand with a willingness to be kind to it and to relearn how to listen to it. Obvious ways of doing this are things like massage, which can feel wonderful when your body is in the midst of such profound structural change. Slightly further along the line, yoga as part of outpatient treatment for adolescents with eating disorders seems to have beneficial effects on ED symptoms including preoccupation with food and anxiety and depression, with no negative effect on BMI (Carei et al. 2010). I’ve recently taken up yoga again—the last time I tried it I was still very ill—and it’s lovely to feel how it instantly attunes me more delicately to the capacities and limitations, in strength and flexibility, of all the parts of my body, and how it gives a calm context in which to stretch myself, literally and figuratively. Later still, strength training can have similar benefits, along with the added one of making you significantly stronger, with all its attendant benefits for cardiovascular health, bone and joint health, and metabolism. For women, post-anorexic or not, I think that getting physically strong can be a very potent way of declining to buy into anti-feminist equations of thinness (and hence weakness) with beauty, and for men recovering from anorexia, getting strong can be a way of reasserting your masculinity in the way that weight gain more generally naturally re-emphasises femininity. It shouldn’t be done too soon (maybe not till your bodyweight is healthy or close to healthy), and should be done with supervision, but for me, barbell training was a crucial factor in coming to understand, not just in the abstract but through the whole of me, that regaining weight was not just getting fatter, but was a fully constructive process of creating a newly beautiful, capable, dependable body for myself.

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Remember that just as you have to contemplate constructing a character for yourself after anorexia, you have to construct a body for yourself too, one that will be what you need it to be for the adventure of being more fully alive in the years to come. Neither your character nor your body can be created from a blank slate, and especially after the control obsessions of anorexia, waiting and seeing what happens can be as empowering an attitude as taking things into your own hands, but the possibilities for what you can now let and help your body become, now it’s no longer trapped in the dangerous tedium of being skeletal and weak, are exhilarating. Enjoy them, with that mixture of strictness and openness which above all says: there’s time.

My thanks to the reader whose question prompted this post

Eating extra sometimes

One of the hardest things to learn for me in anorexia recovery is that there really is nothing at all wrong with eating more than usual sometimes. Eating extra food does not necessarily lead to weight gain and it does not make you greedy either.

We need to remember that our bodies are amazing enough to use up the energy we give it, even if sometimes this is a little more than other times. It is only when we consistantly give our body a lot more energy then it needs, that weight gain occurs.

I only started to actually believe this when I experienced it myself first hand. Somedays, usually on the weekend with my boyfriend, I eat a considerable amount more than I usually do and on these same days, I usually exercise less too. I dont gain weight however, as I first feared I would.

Obviously my body just puts the extra energy to good use or perhaps it does get stored and is then used later. Either way I dont experience any noticeable weight gain and chances are, you wont either. So dont worry about eating a few extra calories here or there or exercising less somedays either.

So if you go out with friends and enjoy something delicious with them or just feel like a treat, dont be frightened to just do it. Food really isnt something to be frightened of and it isnt something that will hurt you. Food is simply what fuels our bodies and provides us with the energy we need to live happy and healthy lives.

If you still dont believe me and are frightened you will gain heaps of weight if you eat slightly more then you usually do, then please just give it a try anyway. It may seem scary but it is the only way you will see that eating extra sometimes cant hurt you.

In fact, I believe that understanding this fact really is an essential part of the recovery process and you wont be able to make a full recovery until you realise this. So no natter how anxious you feel about eating extra, I highly suggest you try to do it sometimes anyway as this is the only way you will be able to overcome this irrational fear.

When people try to help you....

When I was at my sickest with anorexia, I wouldnt let anyone try and help me and if anyone tried to give me advice or help me in any way, I would get incredibely angry with them. The thing was, a lot of the time I knew what they were saying was right however it was just too hard for me to actually listen. I was living in denial I guess, and hated people telling me what I needed to do, even if I knew they were right.

This caused me to push away some of the people I was closest too, as I couldnt handle them trying to interfere with how I was living. I suppose the anger that came through was actually my anorexia, as my anorexia hated anyone who questioned my behaviours or told me to change. I wish now I had been more open about how I felt and had just explained to the people around me that although I knew what they were saying was right, it wasnt as simple as 'just doing' what they said I should do.

Afterall getting angry at the people I loved and pushing them away only made me feel more alone and helpless. So instead of just yelling and screaming when your loved one suggests you need to eat more or stop a behaviour. Try to talk to them about it rationally instead. Explain to them that you know they are right, but you just dont feel strong enough to actually do what they are telling you to do. Atleast then your loved ones will realise you arent just ignoring them and that you do understand what they are saying.

Even now, I still get quite agitated whenever someone questions what I eat or how much I exercise. Also, I get quite distraught when my boyfriend asks me if he can weigh me. I know that he only does this to make sure I havent lost weight and because he loves me but i still really struggle with it. Standing on the scale in front of someone causes me ALOT of anxiety and my instant reacyion when he asks to weigh me os to get angry. So i just have to be very careful not to get angry and to just remember that he only wants to make sure I am ok.

Whilst I was struggling with anorexia, I had a wonderful relationship with my dad however I had a terrible relationship with my mum. And I know that this is only because mum continued to try and help me, when I simply couldnt be helped. Also my mum couldnt contain her emotions or frustration so she expressed herself by getting angry, yelling and screaming. My dad however fortunately realised very early on that getting angry didnt help the situation, nor did telling what i needed to do. He realised that he couldnt really help me to get better, that i needed to get better myself and so he just let me know he was there for me, whilst I was doing that.

This post has ended up being a bit unorganized and I know I have rambled on a bit but I just wanted to share with you all how I coped when people tried to help me in recovery and the importance of being open with your loved ones about how you are feeling, instead of pushing your loved ones away.

Reaching your goal weight

Can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to..but how did you cope with the weight gain during recovery? I mean..I have gained quite a bit of weight since I started recovery, but still lower than the weight the doctors set for me. It's just that, I'm happy with the way I look now, and I'm afraid to gain anymore because I don't wanna loose the self confidence that I'm only starting to get now.. (sorry it sounds silly). Sigh, my whole problem with eating started due to stress from school - I guess you could say it was a coping mechanism. 

I've seen your before & after photos, and you look really good! A lot more happy too. What was the target weight the doctors set for you during your recovery (if you don't mind me asking.)?

After answering the first half of this questiona few days ago (you can read it here), I thought I better finally answer the rest of the question. Especially since it really is such a good question :) Honestly, you sound as though you are in a very similar situation to me at the moment. Although I have exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me (She told me that I had to reach 50 kg but my weight has settled at 52 kg), I have been receiving some pressure from a few of my readers to gain more weight depite the fact that I have already reached the goal weight that my doctor set for me and I really don't want to.

Like you, I feel so happy and confident at my current weight and dont want to risk ruining that. I have the best relationhip now that I have ever had with with my body in my life and in no way does my anorexia interfere with me living life anymore. Even though I apprreciate the concern of my readers, they dont kow anything aboutt my heath and natural figure so Idont really think it is fair for them to say that I deinetely need to gain more weight, because they really cant know that.

I suppose in your case, you need to think about whether you are still underweight. If you are (if your bmi is still below 18.5) then I think you should gain more weight. Although it may seem as though you wont still like your body at a higher bmi, you most likely will! Just look at me, I accept my body now that I have a bmi of 19 which is something I thought I would never be able to do.

Although getting to a healthy weight is incredibly important, I think that there is too much focus on weight in recovery. Afterall, anorexia is a mental illness and I therefore think the way I think is more imortant then how much I weigh. So because my eating disorder thoughts are so rare ad weak these days and never stop me from doing anything I want to do, I really dont think it is necessary for me to gain any more weight at this stage. This does not mean that I have started restricting what I eat. I still listen to my body and eat atleast 2500 calories a day but I just dont eat all of the extra things that I never had an appetite for, but just ate because I knew I needed to gain weight.

Like you (the reader who asked this question), My anorexia was a coping mechanism for various things goiing on in my life, including the stress of school, frustration with my body, my alcoholic mum. The most important thing for us is that we learn knew coping mechnisms to use when life gets tough instead of these unhealthy ones. So if your anorexic thoughts are still really strong, this could also be a good indicaion tat you need to gain weight. My anorexic thoughts only improved draatically once I reached my current weight which is why I m confident that it is in fact a healthy weight for me to be at.

Also, how were you built before your eatting disorder? Have you always been slim or more solid? Although it may not be ecessary to go back to the exact weight you were before your eating disorder, you should atleast try to get up within you rnatral set point range. :)

Fat is not the enemy

Society makes us think that eating fat or having fat on your body is bad, I know because I was once made to believe that this was true too. But I assure you, fat really is not something to be feared. While it is not helthy to eat excessive amounts of bad fats or to have lots and lots of excess fat on your body, it is not something that you should be frightened of either. 

When I was at my sickest, I was eating only around 5 grams of fat per day and even then I felt guilty for eating that much. Basically everything I ate had to be fat free and even once I started eating more, fat was the thing that was hardest for me to reintruduce into my diet.

I can honestly say that I have no idea how many grams of fat I eat each day now as I do not count macros but I honestly dont really care anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that fat is just another form of energy that our bodies can use to fuel our bodies. It is not some kind of poison that makes us gain incredible amounts of weight just from consuming it.

I have also realised that having some fat on my body is not a bad thing, in fact it is essential. Without a healthy body fat percentage, I know that my ody can not work effficently and optimally. I know that I will not get my period back if Ido not have enough fat on my body as my hormones wll not be in balance.

It is also important to realise that having a body with no fat on it really is not attractive at all. While I couldn't see it at the time as my anorexia was distorting how I saw my body, I can now see exactly how terrible I looked when I was really underweight. I can honestly say that I never want to look that way again. 

If you don't believe me (I know I probably wouldnt have when I was at my sickest either), then here are some facts on fats from the eat balanced website;

Why do we need to eat fat?

Fat! Don’t be scared of it…  You actually need it in your diet.  Fat doesn’t directly make you “fat” – excess calories make you “fat”.  It’s about getting the right balance.

Fat has had bad press, to the extent that some foods are designed and marketed as ‘fat-free’. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, getting some fat from our diet is absolutely vital.

In this section, you will find out what fats are, why we need them, what they do for us and where we find them in our foods.

Why do we need fat?

Virtually all natural foods contain some fat.  It is in foods because both plants and animals use fats as the most economical way to store energy.  It is needed for their growth, development and function when there is a shortage of food supply (or a shortage of sunlight in the case of plants).

Certain specific dietary fats have other essential functions. We are much like other animals so we do actually need some fat from our diet to survive.  And while in general, as with most things, too much fat is bad, a certain amount is perfectly compatible with good health.

What is fat for?

• A source of energy – Our body uses the fat we eat, and fats we make from other nutrients in our bodies,  to provide the energy for most of our life-functions
• Energy store – The extra calories that we consume, but do not need to use immediately, are stored for future use in special fat cells (adipose tissue)
• Essential fatty acids – Dietary fats that are essential for growth development and cell functions, but cannot be made by our body’s processes
• Proper functioning of nerves and brain- fats are part of myelin- a fatty material which wraps around our nerve cells so that they can send electrical messages. Our brains contain large amounts of essential fats
• Maintaining healthy skin and other tissues.  All our body cells need to contain some fats  as essential parts of cell membranes, controlling what goes in and out of our cells
• Transporting fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E and K through the bloodstream to where they are needed
• Forming steroid hormones needed to regulate many bodily processes

Trust me, I know how hard it is to eat foods that are high in fat when you have such a big fear of it but I promise that it cant hurt you. I was terrified of it once too but now I am no more scared of foods that contain fats then I am of any other food. 

Even if you need to do it gradually, that is completely fine. Just try to slowly reintroduce more and more fats into your diet and eventually your fear will start to fade. If you feel you ned to, just start with healthy fats and then you can progress into eating all other kinds of fats too. 

From experience I can honestly say that it is also possible to eventually accept having fat on your body too. In my opinion, learning that fat is not the enemy really is an essential part of recovery and therefore something I encourage everryone to do.

Accepting your body

Accepting your body at a healthy weight can be incredibely hard, especially while you are still having anorexic thoughts. Although it may seem like losing weight is the answer to be unhappy with your curret weight, we need to remember that is definetely IS NOT! Our body is not the thing that has to change in order to make us truly happy, our thoughts are the thing that needs to change. I am determined to keep working on accepting my body at a healthy weight as I know that I will never be happy otherwise. I thought that the following article was quite helpful, I hope that some of you find it helpful too.

From: http://www.webmd.com/beauty/style/accepting-your-body-at-any-size

No matter what your scale says, being comfortable in your own skin is up to you. It can be tough, in a society that prizes unrealistic images. But it's possible, and it starts with what you say when you look in the mirror.

One of the first rules of achieving a healthy and happy body image is to stop allowing "put-downs" in front of the mirror, says Lori Osachy, body image expert and lead therapist at The Body Image Counseling Center in Jacksonville, Fla.

"Even if in the beginning that means you have to jump in front of the mirror and shout, ‘You're awesome,' and then immediately jump back out, that's OK," she says. "The goal is to retrain your brain how to think positively about your reflection and your body."

Over time, telling yourself that you're beautiful, even if you don't believe it at first, will improve your confidence, she says. The psychology behind this technique is called "cognitive behavioral therapy," a method that psychologists and therapists use to stop negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones instead.

Robyn Silverman, PhD, body image expert and author, agrees that "faking" confidence will eventually turn bad body thoughts into good ones, though it takes time.

To speed up the process, Silverman suggests posting notes with positive messages on your mirror to remind yourself of your good qualities. Those notes don't always have to be about your looks. Jotting down things about your character will help you develop a more positive attitude toward your reflection.

Be Your Own Body Image Advocate

You would never tell your friend she looks fat in a bathing suit, or tell your coworker his arms are scrawny, so why would you tell yourself that?

"Treat yourself as you would treat others, and you'll find negative thoughts will lessen over time," says Leslie Goldman, MPH, body image expert and author of Locker Room Diaries.

Ditch the things in your life that make you feel inferior, whether that is body-bashing friends, fashion magazines with supermodels, or TV shows that portray men and women in an unrealistic, sexist way, Silverman says. If a family member or roommate makes you feel bad about the way you look, talk to them directly and establish a "fat-talk-free policy," she says.

If an advertisement or TV commercial makes you feel bad about yourself, examine it closer and look for the ways it's trying to sell you something. "Remember, if we didn't feel inferior to the models in the ads, we wouldn't want to buy the product," Silverman says.

Look Beyond the Scale

All too often, people get hung up on the number on the scale, rather than paying attention to how they feel, Silverman says. People of all sizes do that, and it doesn't help.

Instead of focusing on one number -- your weight -- pay attention to how you feel when you wake up or after you hurry to catch the bus. Also check on all your other numbers, such as blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure. Those may paint a better picture of your health than just your weight alone.

If you're trying to lose weight, Silverman suggests swapping weight-loss oriented goals with fitness goals like keeping your cholesterol level down or training for your first 5K.

"Instead of running away from your old body on the treadmill or the StairMaster, work toward a goal that makes you feel accomplished," she says.

Choose an exercise you love, and you'll be more likely to stick with it, Osachy says. When you exercise for stress relief and fun, your weight and health may naturally start to fall into place, she says.

As an added bonus, doing something you love will make you see your body in a different light, Silverman says. For instance, instead of loathing your thighs, you'll appreciate them because they enable you to do the things that you love, whether that is yoga or cycling.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Forget perfection or rigid rules. It's OK to splurge once in a while even if you're trying to lose weight, Goldman says. Not letting yourself have a little cake at a party may make you more likely to overindulge later.

Focus on the bigger picture and praise yourself for the healthy choices you make, rather than the times you think you've "failed," Silverman says.

Don't label any food as "bad" or "good." You'll only feel worse about yourself and your body if you eat something that isn't your definition of perfect, Goldman says.

Don't Compare Yourself to Others

"Healthy comes in all shapes and sizes," Goldman says.

Never resort to unhealthy measures, such as not eating or taking potentially dangerous supplements, to fit society's idea of what looks healthy, Silverman says.

If you're physically fit, and everything checks out with your doctor, you may want to redefine your weight-loss goals altogether. If negative thoughts about your body become overwhelming, or if you are finding it hard to give up perfectionistic habits about food, weight, or exercise, talk to your doctor or a counselor or therapist.

Challenging negative thoughts

Whether you suffer from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self esteem or all of the above, chances are it is the result of you having irrational negative thougts. In order to overcome these types of illnesses, we need to start challenging these negative thoughts in order for us to change them to more positive ones. I found the following tips from this website very helpful.

Whenever you become aware you’re feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and reflect on your thoughts. Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking.

A good way to test the accuracy of your thoughts might be to ask yourself some challenging question. These questions will help you to check out your self-talk to see whether your current view is reasonable.

Challenging questions

There are four main types of challenging questions to ask yourself:

1. Reality testing

What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

2. Look for alternative explanations

Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
What else could this mean?
If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

3. Putting it in perspective

What is the best thing that could happen?
Is there anything good about this situation?
Will this matter in five years’ time?

4. Using goal-directed thinking

Is this way of thinking helping me to achieve my goals?
What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

Recognising that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating (i.e. it doesn't make you feel good or help you to get what you want) can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective.

Changing the way you think about things may not be easy at first, but with time and practice, you will get better. Try it out - it's worth the effort. Let us know how you go.

Starting Yoga

I have decided that I am going to start doing yoga which is held each Wednesday night in the school gym. It only started last week and I was talkinng to the lady that takes it and she said that she would be more than happy for me to come. I told her that I have ligamentous laxity (so I am super flexible) but she seems to think that it is ok for me to do yoga as long as I don't over stretch my body and as long as I focus on holding poses and controlling my movements carefully.

In fact it should help me alot as it will help me to build up the muscles around my joints so that they can support my joints in the ways that my ligaments fail to. I think that yoga is also a fantastic sport to start participating in as it can help me rebuild all of the muscle that I lost through my anorexia, without exerting myself too much. Afterall, I want to reach a healthy weight by gaining back some of my muscle as well as just fat. I know that I need to have some fat on my body too but I obviously don't want to just have all fat.

So I am going to ring the yoga instructor and let her know that I am going to be there Wednesday night. I work at the supermarket Wednesdays anyway and finish work at 5:45 so it will be perfect as Yoga starts at 6pm. I am excited to be doing this as I do not only think it will be good for my body but also for my mind too. And it will be a great way to get out in the community and meet new people and spend time with those I already know.

I found the following article online which talks about how yoga can help a person to
recover from anorexia.

Research shows yoga helps eating disorder recovery

Interestingly, despite the growing numbers in terms of eating disorders in our nation, very little is actually known in regards to how they form, and what causes relapses in sufferers. Researchers led by Lourdes P. Dale from the University of Hartford determined to discover alternate healing for eating disorder recovery as it was noted that many of the traditional healing techniques failed at focusing on the emotional and body awareness aspects of eating disorders. 

The study involved a 6-week yoga workshop incorporating women with a history of eating disorders. The results were reported that the women who attended the workshop were better at identifying their emotional states, being aware of their emotional states, and found themselves more capable of handling their mood fluctuations. There was also a significant drop in the level of eating concerns for this particular group of women, and these positive outcomes carried on even after the workshop was complete.

Yoga practice focuses on deep breathing, mindfulness, and attention to how the body is working. It literally allows you to take your attention off of the matters surrounding you, and forces you to only think of the matters at hand, the person struggling with an disorder is thus allowed to redirect all their pain, and energy into the mat itself. Peaceful meditation allows for the re-centering of the thought processes, and the poses provide the strength of the body and redirection in the flow of the bodies energy. All positive, and necessary benefits in terms of eating disorder healing. 

The biggest challenge in any form of recovery, is taking the first step. It is literally mind over matter and a clarity will suddenly strike the sufferer that says, “I will no longer let this control my life. I am in control.” And when that clarity finally hits them, they will be ready to begin the healing process. Yoga can be there to guide them through to full, and lasting recovery.

http://www.evolationyoga.com/yoga-eating-disorder-recovery/

Here is also a video which I found from someone who strongly believes that yoga can make a wonderful difference to a person recovering from anorexia.

https://youtu.be/khB79zfC0hU

So if you think yoga might help you to recover, give it a go. I will let you know how it goes for me on Wednesday night. :)

Sometimes, everything gets too much

Too say that I am exhausted would be a huge understatement. I think that everything always seems so much worse when you are tired which is probably why everything is gettting to me so much today. Firstly, the person I have been working with at the bank is not being very friendly to me at the moment which has really started to get me down. Everything I do seems to be wrong and she speaks to me awfully mot of the time. I really do not know what to do about this as I honestly think that she just doesn't like me very much and I don't think I can change the way she feels about me. 

We are very different types of people and I think she thinks I am a bit too 'good' all the time. For example I never swear, smoke or drink or anything like that where as she does. We have also grown up in quite different circumstances and have very different ideas and values. I honestly don't judge her for being different to me as I believe everyone has the right to do what they want to do but I do not think she should judge me for being different either. So between that and everything else that has happened over the last few weeks with my mum and family I am feeling really upset and stressed.

When I left work tonight and started the car trip back home, I really felt like cryin about what was going on at work as well as in my family. I am also worried that my dad is upset with me for talking to my mum last week as she has most likely been awful to him ever since. To make things worse, when I pulled into my street tonight I saw my mum pulled over on the side of the road, doing something that made me incredibely angry. If you know about my mum and her problems you can probably guess what she was doing but I was furious as she was about to pick up my little sister who was at my nans house (who lives in the same street as me) and drive her home. 

Putting herself at risk by drving whilst under the influence of alcohol is one thing but to put my lttle sister Amy at risk too is not ok. So seeing this made me incredibely angry and upset with mum. When I got home I realised that my nan had walked my dog Tess for me which meant that there was no need for me to walk her tonight, except that my anorexia really wanted me to go. As I was feeling so awful about everything I knew that going for a walk would make me feel so much better (well thats what my anorexia told me anyway).

I had decided that I would walk Tess however at the last minute I realised that I shouldn't give into my anorexia, just because I am feeling down. Afterall, recovering from anorexia is about learning to use new coping mechanisms when life gets tough. Honestly, their are two reasonss why I stopped myself from walking Tess. Firstly, because I didn't want to let myself down as I knew that I would feel guilty after going for a walk, as I would know I had given into my anorexia. I also didn't want to let my readers down as I want to show everyone who reads my blog that you shouldn't give into your anorexia, no matter how tough things get.

So I came home and warmed up some tea for myself that I had cooked this morning before work, which was lucky because I really didn't feel like cooking, in fact I didnt even feel like eating. As I ate my tea I felt very anxious and guilty which shows me that my anorexic thoughts and feelings are a lot stronger when I am upset or angry. Straight after tea, instead of coping with these feelings by exercising which is what my anorexia wanted me to do, I went for a shower and then started writing this post. Afterall, writing blog posts about how I am feeling is the best way for me to let go of all of the things that are upsetting me. 

Vegetable stir fry

I feel as though blogging is my therapy, which is great as it is a completely harmless coping mechanism. Even if you dont have a blog, I highly reccommend writing your thoughts down in a diary or even just on a piece of paper. Doing this allows you to express how you are truly feeling and to propery process and organise your thoughts, so that you can understand them better. I know I should be really happy that I have made it to the weekend and can now just relax for two days, however I am really strugging to put all of my worries aside. I am hoping that I wil get a great nights sleep tonight and everything will seem better in the morning.

The importance of good Body image

I honestlly think that developing  a positive self body image is essential in order to make a full recovery from anorexia. I believe that we must not only become weight restored in order to recover, but that we must also learn to love our bodies at that new weight, in order to live the happy andd healthy lives that we all deserve to live.

Firstly, I think that it is necessay for us all to truly believe that we do not need to be skinny to be beautiful. In fact, being thin does not make us look attractive at all if we are not naturally suppposed to be that way. The way our anorexia will make us look is not beautiful at all and it also doesnt make us happy, so why should we put ourselves through so much pain to achieve this thinness?

I think that if you asked anyone (who wasn't anorexic) who was more attractive in this picture, they would say the girl on the right. I think that the girl on the right so much more gorgeous and f I had to choose a girl I had to look like, I would choose the girl on the right for sure!  

I have always had an unrealistic expectation of myself to be really thin, which I suppose is due to me being such a perfectionist. I think that society made me believe that fat was bad and therefore I didn't want to have any on my body at all. So even if I only had a tiny bit in a cerain place, I wasn't happy. Even when I was literally skin and bone I would still find parts of my body that I thought were too big. 

Everytime I start feeling 'fat' or self conscious, I always remind myself that this is only my anorexia lying to me. There is nothing wrong with the way I now look, besides the fact that I still need to gain more weight. I certainly am not fat in any way. We need to remember that there is nothing wrong with having some fat on our bodies, in fact it is essential. 

While I do not struggle with terriblly bad body image at the moment, I know hat I will struggle with it more an dmore the closer I get to my natural set point weight. I am determined however to not let this stop me from becoming the size I am supposed to be, so that my body and mind can work efficiently and healthily. Once I reach this weight I may hate it for a while but I WILL NOT try to fix this by losing weight again. Instead I will try and change the way I feel about my body.

To me, recovering does not only mean reaching my healthy natural weight. It also means being able to look in the mirror at that weight and to be happy with what I see. When I am recovered I will be able truly appreciate all of the wonderful things my body can do for me. feeling self conscious about your body sometims is normal for everyone, but the key is to learn not to act upon these feelings by changing the way we look. 

So if you are struggling with your body image, I suggest making your ultimate recovery goal to not only reach a healtthy weight FOR YOU. But also to learn to love yourself at this weight. As only then will you be able to be truly happy and healthy!  

Pro-Ana

Something that really upsets me is the presence of Pro-Ana websites on the internet. It makes me sick to think that some people are actually trying to become anorexic as well as trying to help others to become anorexic. Anorexia is an incredibely painful and dangerous illness and  I hate it when people fail to see this. There are not websites out there encouraging people to develop other mental illneses like depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder or bipolar, so why are there websites that encourage people to develop anorexia? Anorexia is the mental illness with the highest mortality rate and I think that if more people realised how awful it is to live with, they would never choose a life of anorexia. I thought the following website explained what Pro ana sites are all about really well as well as how they are a huge problem.

Taking Action: Fighting websites that promote eating disorders

POSTED 9:07 AM, JULY 28, 2014, BY CATHERINE AWASTHI, UPDATED AT 08:42AM, JULY 29, 2014

TENNESSEE VALLEY (WHNT) – There’s been a rise in chilling websites that promote eating disorders, and they could have a big impact on your teenagers.

A new survey from the National Eating Disorders Association estimates approximately half a million teens struggle with eating disorders.

Adam Roderick was one of them.

“I started putting a lot of pressure on myself to excel and pursue perfection, to prove everybody wrong,” Adam Said. “I was taking it to the next step. The unhealthy level. And then eventually slipped into restriction.”

Roderick was 19 years old when he started starving himself..

“For me, I was trying to live up to that societal norm, that pressure that was being put on me,” he said.

Type Anorexia or Bulimia into an Internet search engine and the results will typically consist of help, information and support for people who are suffering from an eating disorder.

Type in ‘Pro-Ana or Pro-Mia’, and you’ll see a very different picture.  Websites with pages and pages of potentially fatal messages. And the message has gone viral.

Dr. Emily Whitt works with the Eating Disorder Center of Alabama. She said she sees a lot of adolescents getting on these websites that can trigger their behavior.

“These are very dangerous and disturbing sites that promote eating disorders — which are the deadliest mental illness that there is, so it is serious,” Dr. Whitt said.

What starts with a search for daily workout could easily lead somewhere else , the world of ‘Pro-Ana.

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“You know, it was like I knew they were wrong and I knew that they were unhealthy… but I couldn’t look away,” said Roderick.  “There’s a lot of people out there who that’s the only contact they have is with people who are on message boards, who are posting on these sites — is that message of… sickness.”

Messages on these sites include:

“Hungry? Have a bottle of water”
“You don’t need food”
“Dear stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.”

Doctors say these unhealthy messages of ‘thinspiration’ promote unhealthy behavior to some of the most vulnerable victims. Dr. Whitt was shocked when she came across them on the web.

“I said how very sick. I was just very disturbed. And, it’s sad and shocking that something so deadly and so self destructive can be made to look attractive,” said Dr.  Whitt.

Roderick said the websites treat eating disorders like old friends.

“They were so memorizing in so many different ways because they fed into all those sick thoughts that you struggle with and honestly preyed on them. So, it was kind of like, ‘I hate it but I love it’ kind of relationship,” he explained.

By the time Roderick discovered these pages and pages of pro-Anorexia, pro-Bulimia messages, he was pretty far into recovery. But, he knows if it were sooner, it would have been detrimental.

“Anyone who gets on this website will see how disturbing and sick the information is,” said Dr. Whitt. “They’re trying to lure people in who are already vulnerable.”“It’s kind of a scary thought to think about, where it might have led if I had seen them a year or two earlier.”

The Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia sites have a disclaimer:  This site does not encourage that you develop an eating disorder.  This site is for those who *already have an eating disorder and do not wish to go into recovery.  If you do not already have an eating disorder, better it is that you do not develop one now.  You may wish to leave.

So, they claim they aren’t encouraging eating disorders, but simply supporting them.  Dr. Whitt doesn’t buy it.

“They’re absolutely promoting it,” She said. “It wouldn’t be called Pro-Ana meaning pro-Anorexia if they weren’t promoting it. Anyone who gets on this website will see how disturbing and sick the information is. They’re trying to lure people in who are already vulnerable.”

Eating disorders are one of the deadliest mental illnesses, claiming almost 45,000 lives every year.

“This isn’t real, this isn’t healthy, this isn’t how things really are,” Roderick pleaded. “We need to teach them that there is hope, there is a flip side honestly.”

“It’s not the way,” Dr. Whitt agreed. “The most unhappy people I know are these suffering with eating disorders. It’s a lie and I’m sad that people are sold on this lie.”

Roderick adds that these sites so often romanticize eating disorders, and they twist the truth.

“They don’t show you the feeding tubes, they don’t show you the heart problems, they don’t show you the fact that you might lose your fingernails and your hair,” he said. “They’re just so caught up in the disorder that they don’t acknowledge the flip side.”

“I don’t think that we should just sit and wait for it to go away,” Dr. Whitt said. “I don’t think it will.”

Parents, there are signs to look for and preventative measures to take to help your child.  Watch for signs of isolation and constant comments on their own body image.  If you think they may have visited one of these sites, check their computer history.  If it’s blank, that’s a sign they might be hiding something from you.  And if your child is struggling, please get help.  It takes a community effort of education and concern to prevent this deadly disorder.

There are about 500 Pro-Ana or Pro-Mia websites. The FCC has had some success in getting these sites shut down, but social media is making that even more difficult now.