A cold and windy day

During the night last night there was rain and and also lots of wind. I couldn't sleep so I spent most of the night laying awake and watching Pretty Little Liars. My younger brother knocked on my door at about 3:30 am as he had been out at a party and needed somewhere to sleep so I let him in and he went to sleep in my spare room. I absolutely hate not being able to sleep when I have to go to work the following day however it doesnt bother me when I dont need to work.

Being a little tired really doesn't matter if I am not working and I can always just have a little sleep during the day if I feel l ike it. I am going to try my hardest to stay awake as long as possible tonight as I know that falling asleep so early is the main reason why I spend so much time awake during the night and early of a morning. I also want to stay awake to watch master chef as it is one of my favourite shows and there are only two or three episodes left.

It was nice to see my little brother this morning when he got up and he seemed happy to have a bit of a chat with me before mum picked him up which was really nice. I took Tess for a walk in the wind which wasn't all that enjoyable but I guess it wasn't too bad. She still had lots of energy to burn so I took her for a walk to the beach and around the waterloo point walking track. I also spent a few hours doing some studying for my traineeship.

I have found that I just dont get enough time to complete my traineeship theory work whilst I am actually at work so I just need to get in and do it in on the weekends if I ever want to get it finished. I actually dont mind doing my traineeship modules at home aas they are heaps wasier then when I was studying at uni or college and therefore I dont put the pressure on myelf to do anywhere near the amount of work I used to do.

Mum and dad are both briefly calling in this afternoon as well which will be nice as they are delivering some fire wood that they cut up for me. I am very lucky that my dad cuts fire wood for me n our farm as it would cost me a fortune if I had to buy it all the time. I really do enjoy spending time with my family at the oment and love seeing them as much ass possible. I just hope things stay on good terms between us all. Afterall life is way too short for us to spend time mad at one another.

I am hoping that the wind dies down a little this aftetrnoon before I take Tess for another walk but I really don't like my chances. I really cant complain though as this is the first windy day we have had in a really long time and the town I live in is known for being really windy. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back tto work tomorrow as I really do enjoy time off to myself however I dont really mind either. Working keeps my mind busy and I do quite enjoy my job at the bank.

I hope everyone has had a fantastic weekend :) x

My weight gain so far

Today has been an ok day considering my anorexic thoughts have been quite strong and this is because I spent it with my gorgeous little sister. I love spending time with Amy as she has the ability to cheer me up and distract me from any anorexic thoughts I may be having. So even though I felt more self conscious about how my body is changing today then I have in a long time, I also laughed more than I have in a long time as well, which I am grateful for.

These pictures are of Amy playing outside in the gale force winds we had today. She almost got blown away.

I have been pleasantly surprised by how well I have dealt with my weight gain in my recovery so far and I honestly think that this is just because my mind has recovered as I gained the weight. Because I had such a distorted body image when I was at my sickest, I actually saw myself very similarily to what I now see myself, with my less distorted body image. Of course my Anorexia was still angry whenever I got on the scales and saw I had gained weight, but the weight gain hasnt been anywhere near as obvious to me as I thought it would be, when I look at my body.

Up until now, I havent actually felt that much bigger then I always have, even though I have gained almost 8 kilograms from my lowest weight. Now however I am starting to notice differences in my body and it is really hard. I need to get used to the fact that I am not always going to be the skinniest girl in the room anymore and that I may need to buy an item of clothing, not necessarily in its smallest size. I know that these things do not say anything about who I am as a person and there are much more important things in life that I should be focusing on, but it is still going to be difficult to adjust to my changing body.

Even though I am starting to feel quite self conscious about my weight gain, I am determined to keep gaining weight until I am sure I am properly weight restored. When I first started my recovery, I had the goal of getting to a bmi of 18 which I have practically reached now. My anorexia would love me to stop gaining weight now, which is exactly why I know I need to keep eating recovery amounts. Deep down I know that I havent nourished my body and mind for the amount of time it needs in order to properly heal. I could stop my recovery now but this would mean that I would remain in a half recovered state, which is not something I want at all. I am determined to fully recover and refuse to settle for anything less.

4am thoughts

Considering I didnt go to bed until midnight last night, I know that I am up far too early but I simply couldnt sleep. I honestly think I have spent more time awake then asleep over the last 4 hours since going to bed as it is so noisy and windy but surprisingly I dont feel that tired. If I had to work today I would be more frustrated about not being able to sleep but since I dont, it doesn't really bother me.  I am the type of person who doesnt usually get angry ir upset about things like this that you simply cannot help or control, afterall getting angry or upset wont let me get to sleep either. Since I am home all day, I also know that I can have a sleep if I get too tired.

I almost felt hyporactive when I got home from the football at about 8:15 last night which is why I didnt go to bed until so late. I honestly think that the reason I felt so happy and bubbly last night was because I had spent the whole afternoon and evening with my wonderful dad. My dad is my rock and is the only person in the world that I never run out of things to talk about with. I dont know if it is because we are so similar but we just get one another so well. We spent 4 hours driving to the football and then home but I dont think we stopped talking the whole way. We chatted about everything you can possible think of; our jobs, our farm, whats been going on in our lives and also any of our current worries.

As I said, my dad is my rock but I think that I may be his as well. If either of us ever need to talk about anything at all, we know we can always rely on one another for support. This is the way it has been for as long as I can remember and I hope that it will always be like this. Unfortunately we dont get the chance to talk as often as we did before I moved out of home, as my mum doesnt like my dad and I spending time together. While I get angry that mum stops dad and I from seeing more of one another, it does make me cherish and appreciate any time we do get to spend together more.

Today Amy is coming to my house for the day which should be really nice. I always try to be there for Amy as she really has a lot to deal with as a 12 year old girl living in a very complicated household. I have made it very clear to Amy that she can talk to me if she feels she needs to talk to someone to talk to someone and luckily she is starting to do this a little more now. Up until recently she never wanted to talk about anything that went on at home, which really worried me as I knew that a little girl bottling up so much wasnt healthy. I think she now realises that she can trust me with anything at all and that she wont get in trouble for saying how she truly feels. I never push the subject with her either, as I can understand that she may just not want to think about our problems from home when she isnt there. I want her visits and sleepovers to be an escape for her, from any problems at home but I also want her to feel like she can talk to me if she needs to.

I hope the wind dies down today, otherwise it will be hard to even take Tess for a walk. Amy and I will probably just spend the day snuggled by the fire watching movies and tv series. Hopefully the power doesnt go off as this quite often happens in severe windy weather like this when trees fall on top of power lines.
I hope that everyone else has had/is having/has a fantastic day (this time difference thing can complicate things a little ;)).

What would you like to read about?

It is still awfully windy and cold so I plan on spending my whole day off in front of the fire, blogging and watching tv. At the moment it is only 9 degrees but the wind makes it feel even colder. I will also make some chocolate muffins this afternoon as I ate my last one yesterday. :)

Me rugged up in my puffer jacket and beanie before taking Tess for a walk

Tess is inside with me all the time at the moment as her kennel is wrecked and there is no where sheltered outside for her to get out of the terrible weather. I dont mind though, she is really good company for me and stops me from feeling lonely. My sister Amy is coming to my place when she finishes school this afternoon which I am also looking forward to. We get along so well and miss each other a lot now I have moved out and dont see each other everyday.

I still have heaps of post ideas but I really would love some feedback about what you would like me to write about. The number of page views I get significantly changes each day and I was just wondering what types of posts you like the most. While this is a recovery blog, I wouldnt mind writing more personal posts if thats what you wanted to read or even everyday things not necessarily relevant to EDs, for example movie reviews or information posts about Australia.

Please let me know what you think and dont be afraid to be really honest. :) I love constructive critisism and find it really helpful. Keep fighting everyone and remember that nothing is impossible. <3

Windy weather and Wednesday weigh-in

I can honestly say that after not walking as much as I usually do yesterday, I didn't compensate in any way. I still ate just as much as I usually do and only took Tess for a small walk when I got home yesterday afternoon. It had actually stopped raining yesterday morning before I went to work but I didnt walk Tess anyway as I wanted to challenge my anorexia and prove I could be stronger. I have decided to try and 'miss' walks more often as I want to be able to feel completely fine when I dont exercise as much. Feeling guilty for not exercising is not a healthy behaviour and something I need to overcome.

Last night it was extremely windy. While wind is not uncommon where I live, I have never seen winds as strong and powerful as that. It was quite scary as my whole house rattled and shook and I could hear huge bangs and crashes from outside throughout the night. I let Tess sleep inside all night as it would have simply been too dangerous to put her outside so I think she was happy it was so windy. I hope that there isnt too much damage done around the area but i'm guessing there will be atleast some. Luckily the wind had died down now and it is relatively calm outside. Despite all of the wind I still got a pretty good nights sleep so I am feeling ready to start another day of work. Today I work at the supermarket from 8:30am until 5:45pm but hopefully
the day doesn't go too slowly.

Since it is Wednesday it is also my official weigh day. After being dissapointed with my weight on Sunday (you can read about it here), I felt a little nervous about stepping on the scale. I wasn't scared about gaining weight, but more scared that I may not have gained any weight even after increasing my intake on Sunday. I was glad to see that my weight had gone up 500g since Sunday (which is an overall increase of 300g since last Wednesday). Obviously adding in more food to my meal plan on Sunday did the trick so I have decided I will not need to increase my intake again today. Hopefully I dont need to increase my intake again as I honestly dont know what meal I would increase but I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

While I am coping ok with my current weight, I am really worried that it wont be long before i'm really not ok about it. Although I am feeling positive about the changes I am making now, I honestly think that I will find it much harder to fight my anorexic thoughts as my body starts to change. I feel like gaining weight will be like adding fuel to the fire, where my anorexia is the fire. I know I shouldnt waste time and energy worrying about this now as worrying wont stop it from happening but it is difficult for me not to. For now I know I just need to take my recovery one day, one meal and one bite at a time.

What is everybody elses experience of this? Did you find recovery continuously got easier or did it start to get harder again as you started to get closer to your goal weight?