Wednesday, 1 November 2017

I still cant believe I recovered

Tonight I watched a documentary on anorexia and found myself thinking about my time whilst I was sick. I try not to think about what life was like for me when I was at the grips of Anorexia as it was so terrorizing and painful but at the same time I think it is so important not to ever forget just how awful it was so that I never fall back into my old ways. I also feel as though I have a responsibility as a recovered anorexia to share my story to raise awareness and also help others who are suffering. I feel so incredibly grateful that I managed to defy the odds and recover from the killer illness that had me totally consumed for over 3 years of my life. Even now I find myself totally amazed that I actually managed to recover, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am sure the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I think what society fails to realise is just how traumatising it is to have an eating disorder like anorexia. I remember hating my life so much but feeling as though trying to get better would be so painful that it would be easier just to die. I didn't like the way I looked, I knew I was too thin but for some reason gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world. I hated counting calories and obsessing over food but still, I allowed this things to control my life. Fighting my illness seriously felt more frightening for me than it would have been for me to be thrown in a tank with a great white shark or jump off of a 100 story building. Which is why I still cant believe I actually managed to take on my anorexia and recover.

Not only did I manage to recover, but I  managed to do it completely on my own. My family, doctors and friends had all given up on me and when I told them I was going to try and recover, I knew they didn't believe me. I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. They had heard so many false promises from me and knew what kind of hold my illness had on me. It had gotten to the stage they didn't really even talk to me about trying to get better anymore, everyone just believed that it was who I was and that I would die with my illness, whether it was in 12 months or 12 years. And if I am completely honest, that is what I believed too.

I still don't really know why I started to truly try and recover when I did or why I finally found the strength I needed to fight my anorexia. It wasn't the fact that I was miserable with my life as I had been miserable for years and still hadn't managed to recover. I think my break through moment was when I started believing that I was worthy of recovery and that I did deserve to be happy, which before then I hadn't believed. So that was why I started my recovery but as for how I managed to recover, I owe that completely to my Blog. I have no doubt that if I didn't start my blog when I did I would still be living with my illness, or worse still I wouldn't be living at all.

When I made the decision to truly try and recover, I was living alone and had no one around me to keep me accountable. I had no one telling me what, when or how much to eat. I had no one telling me I wasn't allowed to exercise or that I needed to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I had no doctors or specialists giving me advice, I just had my blog and my readers who kept me 100% accountable. Before I started my blog I would set goals for myself and make meal plans for myself in attempt of making a recovery however I never managed to see anything through. Once I wrote goals or plans down on my blog however, I always managed to stick to them 100%, no matter how hard it was.

Not only did I feel as though I had to stick to my recovery plan for my sake anymore, but I felt as though I had to do it for the sake of my readers. I felt as though I needed to show them that it was possible to fight their eating disorder thoughts and that if I gave into my anorexia, I was letting my readers down. Every time the temptation arose to burn some extra energy or eat a little bit less, I never let myself do any of those things as I didn't want to have to write about giving into my anorexia on my blog. Instead, I wanted to be able to write about my victories and how even though it was hard and the temptation arose, I never gave into my anorexia or gave up.

Some nights the guilt and pain I felt over the food I had eaten or the weight I had gained became so overwhelming that I would just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. It was so hard to put myself through that kind of pain, especially when I didn't even know if I would ever recover. But I knew that if I gave up I would be showing all my readers who believed recovery was impossible, that they were right. And I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could play a part in preventing another person recovering from their illness. I was completely honest on my blog about my achievements and progress and writing each day about how I was feeling was like therapy for me.

People from all over the world started emailing me and through helping those people, I was able to help myself even more. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so any advice I gave to others I always made sure I followed myself and through motivating others to get better, I found that I was also encouraging myself to keep moving towards recovery. I had people messaging me or commenting on my posts telling me that I was helping them in their recoveries and this was possibly the biggest incentive for me in my own recovery. This made me want to win every battle I had with my anorexia so that I could write about it and inspire others to do the same. I didn't only want to get better so I could live a better life anymore, I wanted to get better to prove to other sufferers that it was possible.

If you have never had an eating disorder yourself, I cant even begin to explain how hard it is to not only live with but also recover from. And if you do have an eating disorder or have had an eating disorder then you will understand exactly what I am talking about! I never thought I would be able to recover and still cant believe I actually did. I honestly feel as though I have achieved the impossible and that I will be able to overcome anything I am ever faced with in the future. My only hope now is that I can make as many sufferers as possible believe that no matter how sick you are, you can always get better. You just have to believe it is possible, believe you are strong enough and believe you are worthy of a recovered life!

Happy and healthy with my boyfriend and sister vs underweight, sick, alone and unhappy

Thursday, 20 July 2017

An update + To the Bone review

I thought I would write a post and just update everyone on how I have been going lately. I haven't written a personal post for a long time and although I feel guilty for not posting more often, regular blogging just doesn't feel like the right thing for me anymore. I miss some aspects of blogging and am incredibly grateful for my blog, as I honestly don't think I would have ever recovered without it but in order to move keep moving forward, I felt as though writing about anorexia all the time was keeping me in the past and preventing me from getting on with my life. I love the fact that people from all over the world are still reading my blog though and love hearing from people, who say that my blog is helping them in there own recoveries.

I have just had a month off from university which was great as exams at the end of last semester really took it out of me. I found myself getting incredibly stressed and anxious and I was a real mess for a couple of weeks. I managed to get through them though and was really happy with the results I received, so it all seemed worth it in the end. Just before exams I had been working out everyday and was in the best shape of my life. I had not only got fitter but stronger too. I cut out nearly all exercise whilst I was doing my exams however and am only just starting to get right back into it again. It was nice to have a break though and I am excited to try and get my fitness back to where it was about 2 months ago. The challenge for me will be to also increase my food uptake to make sure I don't lose any weight.

I still find that I lose weight very easily and find it much harder to gain weight. Although I cut out exercise whilst I was studying for my exams, loss of muscle as well as stress lead to me losing about 2 kilograms. This is also why I didn't start exercising again straight after exams as I wanted to regain the weight first, which I have now done. My relationship with food is still really good (the best it has ever been) and my eating disorder no longer interferes with my life. I eat 6 meals a day without fail and although I mainly eat typically healthy foods, I also enjoy eating other foods too like pizza, ice cream and chocolate. I still use some Herbalife products but not as many as I used to (mainly because I could not afford to keep using all of the products I was). I still have a shake when I get up every morning, drink the herbal tea and use the protein powder and a few of the vitamins.

I have started university again this week and spent last weekend in my hometown with my boyfriend. I don't get back to Swansea all that often so when I do it is really nice to see all of my family, especially my little sister and my dad. I don't really have any plans for this weekend but I will most likely spend it trying to stay warm. It has been freezing here lately and although there is no snow where I live, we wake up most mornings to a frost and sometimes the temperature doesn't go above 5 degrees Celsius. I still try and get out for a walk most days though as otherwise I find I start to feel a bit depressed and down if I stay inside all the time, especially when I am in Launceston by myself.

I watched To the Bone the other day and was really disappointed by it (as I think most people were). I was expecting the film to be a really good representation of what Anorexia is truly like as the film was directed by someone who had anorexia and the main actress had also suffered from anorexia however that wasn't the case at all. I had hoped that the film would raise awareness about anorexia and show the world what it was really about however I think if anything, it reinforced the stereotypes that are currently associated with anorexia in our society. I also think it would have been really triggering to anyone with the illness and don't recommend anyone watches it who is currently suffering from anorexia or trying to recover. I was also quite outraged that the main character was asked to lose weight to resemble someone with anorexia as she had actually previously had anorexia and recovered. This is an incredibly dangerous thing to ask any recovered anorexic to do and I hope that it hasn't made that actor relapse.

I better get back to my studying, thanks to all of those people who still read my blog, despite the fact I rarely post anymore. And always remember that if you are suffering from an eating disorder or trying to recover, no matter how impossible it may seem, YOU CAN RECOVER! No matter how difficult it may seem, you are strong enough to fight your illness and do what it takes to recover. I promise you that it is more than worth it in the end, when you get to live the life you truly deserve to live! Stay strong, You've got this! 

Monday, 15 May 2017

Take the plunge

I know exactly what it feels like to try and gain weight when you are underweight and have an unhealthy anorexic mind. Even if you know you need to gain weight in order to get better, that doesn't mean you actually want to go through the process of weight restoration. These are the sorts of thoughts that I was having for the majority of my recovery (just for the record, they were all untrue)......
'If I get any bigger I will hate myself even more'
'I will never be able to accept my body at a healthy weight'
'If I go back to the size I used to be before I got sick, I will be unhappy again'
'I want to get better, but I wish I didn't have to gain weight to do that'

Despite all of these thoughts, I managed to do what was necessary for me to gain the weight I needed to gain. I honestly don't think would have been able to do it if it wasn't for my blog and my readers, as I wanted to lead by example and show everyone that it was possible to recover from anorexia (even if I didn't entirely believe it was possible myself). Even though I had my doubts about how I would feel when my weight started to increase, I listened to the advice of other bloggers and took the plunge anyway... and I am so glad I did! I could have so easily stayed underweight and anorexic for the rest of my life, due to the immense fear of weight restoration. After all, at the time that seemed like a much easier option then fighting my anorexic thoughts and doing the one thing that I feared the most, which was to gain weight.

So please trust me when I tell you that if you allow yourself to gain weight, your mind will eventually repair and you can be recovered one day. Better still, you can actually like your body and accept it completely. I know that you think it is impossible for you to do this but it really isn't. It is totally possible and with some hard work, you can get to where I am today. It was about 2 years ago I started my blog and my true recovery and since then, my life has been totally transformed. I have gone from a miserable, sick, underweight, lonely and anxious girl to a confident, happy, energetic, strong and empowered young woman. I can honestly say that I now love my life and I also love my body. I am now healthy and energetic enough to live the positive and fulfilled life I truly love and deserve!

And I only have all of this today because I took that plunge, despite the fact that I thought recovery was impossible, despite the fact that gaining weight scared me more than anything else in the world and despite the fact I thought I would hate myself if I gained weight. So please, do what I did and you can have what I now have. And the strength you will gain through facing your fears will make you into an unstoppable person in all aspects of your life. I believe that recovering from anorexia is the hardest thing I will ever have to do and it wasn't until I went through that process of recovery and came out the other side, that I realised my true strength and potential. Now, anytime I am faced with a challenge I remind myself of what I have overcome and I really do believe now, after recovering from my eating disorder, that I can do anything I set my mind to!

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Practicing personal development

A huge part of my recovery has been about learning to believe in myself. In a way, writing my blog was a form of personal development for me in the earlier stages of my recovery as it was through motivating others to start believing in themselves, that I actually started doing it myself. In a way, it was kind of like 'faking it until I made it'. To begin with I didn't truly believe what I was saying, about being able to recover and love myself for who I was. But eventually, after saying it enough times and encouraging others to do it I started to truly believe it myself.

 If you don't believe in yourself, recovery is almost impossible. You need to believe in yourself in order to fight your anorexia and beat it. Otherwise, chances are you will give into the demands of your anorexia and never get better. I truly believe that mindset is the most important thing when it comes to achieving anything at all, whether it be recovery or something else entirely. That is why I practice personal development, every single day.

Although I don't write on my blog so much anymore, I watch lots of motivations videos which I find so inspiring. I wish that I had known about these videos when I was trying to recover, as I think they would have really helped me to develop the mindset I needed to recover. They certainly helped me in my final stages of recovery and are continuing to improve my mindset and help me overcome obstacles and strive to reach my full potential, every single day.

Here are a few links to some motivational videos I like to watch as well as some of my favourite motivational quotes. If you would like to start practicing personal development, just type in 'motivational speech compilation' or 'motivational videos' and thousands come up! Seriously, give it a go. I promise you won't regret it! :) xx

Monday, 20 March 2017

The Long-Term Effect Of Eating Disorders That Nobody Talks About

I found the following article really interesting and thought it may interest some of my readers as well. All of my organs became very weak when I was unwell (particularly my hear) and I often wonder about whether or not those organs have repaired fully yet or not.

This is why I think it so important to continuing nourishing your body, even after you become weight restored as a lot of the damage that you do to your body during starvation may not be reversed even when you are weight restored.

The Long-Term Effect Of Eating Disorders That Nobody Talks About                  

With Healthy Heart Month in full swing, you might be hearing advice everywhere from your family doctor to your favorite newsletter about what to cut out of your diet to keep your heart strong. Ditch the soda! Cut the carbs! Skip the butter! Oh, wait, butter's back in! But maybe olive oil is better?!
While most of us can take this influx of diet advice in stride, those at risk for eating disorders are vulnerable to this deluge of information. In many cases, the eating patterns that eventually precipitated a full-blown eating disorder started with the intention to be healthier and feel better—both physically and emotionally. In a sadly ironic twist, those behaviors have likely contributed to the serious decline in health often associated with eating disorders.

Eating disorders are more than just a psychiatric illness.

In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness (or behavioral health disorder). So not only do they lead to a host of social, mental, and physical problems, but they actually put someone at increased risk for other health problems. Cardiovascular complications are one of the biggest risks for those struggling with eating disorders. The heart is made of muscle and basically functions as a pump that moves blood first to the lungs to pick up oxygen and then out to the extremities to bring oxygen and nutrients throughout the whole body. Our hearts are clearly key to our ability to live and function normally, and eating disorders put strain on the heart in a number of ways.

1. Weaker heart muscles

First, when one does not take in enough food to support our level of activity, the heart rate slows down as the body tries to conserve energy. Also, blood pressure will drop due to dehydration or because the muscles of the heart weaken. When blood pressure is low, it's harder for other organs—like the kidneys, the brain, or the liver—to receive the nutrients and oxygen that the heart usually pumps in their direction.
People with low-weight eating disorders actually lose cardiac muscle mass. All muscles of the body are subject to wasting away if we aren't nourishing them. Heart muscle is no exception. Underweight patients may develop mitral valve prolapse due to shrunken heart muscle cells, or they can develop heart failure due to a weakened heart that can't pump well.

2. Shifts in the heart's chemical environment

A second concern is the development of abnormal heart rhythms, which happens frequently when someone is suffering from bulimia nervosa. The behaviors of binge eating and purging (which can involve not just vomiting but also laxative and diuretic use), can lead to dehydration and dangerous shifts in electrolytes in the body. When the chemical environment of the heart is abnormal, the heart is at risk for arrhythmias, which can cause heart palpitations, fainting, and even death.

3. Cardiac disturbances

And thirdly, there are a host of cardiac rhythm disturbances that are directly caused by weight loss and malnutrition. These are undoubtedly causal in the heightened risk for sudden death seen in people with anorexia nervosa.
Despite these very serious cardiac concerns, many people with eating disorders are reluctant to get help. The disorders themselves are marked by a brain-based type of denial that can make even seeing that there's a problem very difficult. As a clinician, I find that sometimes the presence of these heart issues can help someone see just how high the risk to their health really is.

Healing your body from an eating disorder

But even those who begin the process of recovery have to be very cautious about their heart health. For someone who has been eating very little, starting to eat more can cause its own dangerous shifts in electrolytes called refeeding syndrome, which again puts the person at risk for cardiac complications. Thus, some patients will need to be very closely monitored by a medical team during this process.
The heartening news is that most of physical complications of eating disorders are reversible with good nutrition. Once the body and mind are recovered and a knowledgeable support team is in place, the person has a great chance of living a long, healthy life.

If you've suffered from an eating disorder, keep the following in mind:
  1. Take any cardiac event very seriously. If you experience any chest pain, are getting dizzy when you stand, have a fainting episode, or notice your heart rhythm seems off, get to a medical provider as soon as you can.
  2. Enlist the support of others. We know that eating disorders thrive in isolation, and recovery thrives in community with others you care about. Let someone close to you know that you're worried about your health.
  3. Know that recovery is always possible. Even people who lived with an eating disorder for a very long time can expect a full and lasting recovery. It's not easy and can't be accomplished alone, but EVERYONE suffering from an eating disorder can be helped.
The recently deceased George Michael once said, "You'll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart." Listen carefully to the messages your heart is sending you. And with the right treatment, you can find peace from the burden of eating disorders.
For additional information about the Eating Recovery Center, call 877-789-5758, email, or visit to speak with a master's-level clinician.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Weight gain is not negotiable if you want to recover

In order to recover from a restrictive eating disorder, you WILL NEED to gain weight (especially if you are currently underweight). As much as we would like this to be untrue, if you are not willing to gain weight, you will not recover as this just shows how unhealthy your mindset is. It is only when you challenge and overcome this type of unhealthy mindset, that you will be able to continue making recovery progress and actually make a full recovery. As well as needing to reach and possibly exceed a healthy weight in order to recover mentally, you need to do this is order to recover physically too. Whilst starving yourself, your body weakens and stops functioning as it should in order to conserve energy. Your energy reserves run dangerously low and all of your internal organs and bones are at risk of severe damage also. The following article explains the toll that anorexia or other restrictive eating disorders have on your body due to starvation. 


What happens exactly? Here's a look at what anorexia does to the human body.

The first victim of anorexia is often the bones. The disease usually develops in adolescence -- right at the time when young people are supposed to be putting down the critical bone mass that will sustain them through adulthood.

"There's a narrow window of time to accrue bone mass to last a lifetime," says Diane Mickley, MD, co-president of the National Eating Disorders Association and the founder and director of the Wilkins Center for Eating Disorders in Greenwich, Conn. "You're supposed to be pouring in bone, and you're losing it instead." Such bone loss can set in as soon as six months after anorexic behavior begins, and is one of the most irreversible complications of the disease.

But the most life-threatening damage is usually the havoc wreaked on the heart. As the body loses muscle mass, it loses heart muscle at a preferential rate -- so the heart gets smaller and weaker. "It gets worse at increasing your circulation in response to exercise, and your pulse and your blood pressure get lower," says Mickley. "The cardiac tolls are acute and significant, and set in quickly." Heart damage, which ultimately killed singer Karen Carpenter, is the most common reason for hospitalization in most people with anorexia.

Although the heart and the bones often take the brunt of the damage, anorexia is a multisystem disease. Virtually no part of the body escapes its effects. About half of all anorexics have low white-blood-cell counts, and about a third are anemic. Both conditions can lower the immune system's resistance to disease, leaving a person vulnerable to infections.
Anorexia Damage Starts Early

Even before a person with anorexia starts to look "too thin," these medical consequences have begun Many young women who begin eating a severely restricted diet stop menstruating well before serious weight loss sets in. Since so many people with anorexia are teenage girls and young women, this can have long-term consequences on their ability to bear children.

Gaining weight will allow your body to function more optimally again and to reverse most of, if not all of the damage you inflicted on it whilst your were starving yourself. Even if you manage to partially recover mentally so that you can live like a relatively normal person, if you are still underweight your body will not be able to function properly. The chances of you conceiving a baby are reduced if ever you want to become a mum and you are more likely suffer from illnesses or infections as your immune system will not be as strong as somebody who is a healthy weight. Also if you are underweight, this indicates that you are still not eating enough  (as otherwise your body would return to a healthy weight) which suggests you are probably missing out on particular nutrients and minerals that your body requires. This puts you at risk of things like Anemia (due to lack of iron) and osteoporosis (due to lack of calcium).

In my experience, I was not able to make any real recovery progress until I gained a significant amount of weight. The hard thing about gaining this weight is that you need to do it when your anorexic thoughts are still incredibly strong and overpowering. It isn't until you get closer and closer to a healthy weight that these thoughts begin to fade and are replaced with healthier'and more normal thoughts. There is no real secrets or techniques to making these thoughts go away. As hard as it is, you just have to push through them and remember that by fighting these thoughts you ARE getting closer to having the life you want and deserve. I suggest trying to stay busy so that you have other things to focus on and just have faith that if you continue fighting your anorexic thoughts, in time they will fade. And how do you gain weight? You basically just do the complete opposite of everything your anorexia tells you to do. You limit or stop your physical activity, you eat more then you ever have in your life and you stop doing all of those destructive things that you have done in the past.

I remember some nights my thoughts would be so strong (in regards to the fear of and actually gaining weight) that I just had to go to bed and cry myself to sleep. But I never gave into my anorexia and always just woke up the following day and ate everything on my meal plan, limited my exercise and went against everything my anorexia told me to do. I knew that I couldn't give into my anorexia by listening to its demands as this would be like giving it ammunition it needed to beat me. Once I gave into my anorexia once, I knew it would be so easy to continue giving into it and this would not allow my thought processes to change. So I stuck to my guns and consistently beat my anorexia and that is how I got to where I am today. So no matter how hard it may seem, just remember that it is possible and you can do it. No matter how loudly your anorexia screams at you and how bad it makes you feel, it cant actually hurt you. That pain is just temporary. And by enduring that pain now, you will be able to have a lifetime of happiness in the future.

I know that gaining weight as slowly as possible seems like the best way to gain weight to someone with anorexia but from my own experience I do not think this is the best thing to do. To be honest, gaining weight incredibly slowly just draws out the painful process of weight restoration and means that you are just inflicting extra suffrage on yourself. I was gaining about 500-700g per week when I was actively recovering and I found that this was a good rate to do it at. I feel it was a good rate of weight gain as I could adjust to my physical changes without relapsing while still keeping a good momentum. Gaining weight at this rate also made it obvious to me whenever I needed to increase my calories (due to my weight gain stopping). If I was gaining less then this per week, I think I would have been more likely to just brush off failure to gain weight in any particular week which would have stopped me from moving towards my goal of complete weight restoration and recovery. 

I believe that gaining weight is not the only thing you need to do in order to recover, in fact it is only the beginning. But it is one of the first essential things for you to do before you can make any other type of real recovery progress. So I highly encourage you to start doing it as soon as possible. As you do manage to gain weight, your body will start functioning properly again and you will also start thinking more clearly too. And I know it probably feels like accepting your body at a higher weight is impossible but I promise you its not. I am currently about 15 kg heavier than my lowest weight (which I couldn't bare to leave at the time) and I love my body more now then I ever have before!  The truth is you will never feel ready to start gaining weight so you just need to make the decision and start. I promise you it will be worth it!

Monday, 27 February 2017

Home to Swansea

After not being home to see my family since christmas, I really enjoyed travelling home to Swansea for the weekend with my boyfriend. Things have not been great for my family over the last few months and even though the issues are still ongoing, it was still nice to go home and see everyone. Now that I have my own life in Launceston, it would be so easy to just completely distance myself from my family and all their problems back in Swansea but that wouldnt be fair on my little sister and dad. I love them so much and want to be there for them to help them through any difficulties they may face. So my boyfriend and I started the 1.5 hour drive to Swansea when he finished work on Friday afternoon and we arrived at my family home at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately my dad was away for the weekend but it was still great to see my sister. My sister Amy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and despite the 6 year age gap between us, we get along incredibely well. 

On Saturday morning my mum and I went for a walk on our farm and had a very close encounter with a 6 foot long tiger snake. By the time we saw the snake, we were only a single step away from it and it obviously felt threatened by us as it reared its head and striked at us. Luckily we both jumped back at that exact moment so the snakes head (and fangs) just missed us. If the snake had tried to bite us a second time it would have bitten one of us for sure as we were simply too close and couldnt get away. Thank goodness it decided to slither off instead leaving us full if adrenalin but unharmed. We then drove into Swansea to visit my nan before meeting my herbalife coach Phoebe for lunch. I had my all time favourite meal (which I hadnt had for ages) caeser salad and it was so yummy! We then visited my other nan and went out for tea with my mum. For tea I had Spaghetti bolognaise with a side of vegetables which was ok but not as nice as lunch. I loooove pasta but prefer tomato or chicken based pastas, rather then mince. I still ate it all though, to everyone elses surprise as it was huuuuge! 

I took my mum home after tea but then went back into town with my boyfriend Nathan. I wasnt drinking alcohol like I usually do when we go out in Swansea as I had to drive home but my boyfriend was and we had heaps of fun playing 8 ball (pool). We also chatted with my uncle, aunt and cousin for an hour or two which was really nice. When we got home that night my brother Luke was there so it was really nice to see him. The following morning nathan, Amy and I headed into Swansea with two of our puppies to go for a nice walk on the beach. We had running races on the beach and just enjoyed the sunshine and scenery. We started the drive back to Launceston at about 2pm and were back home by about 4. Overall it was a really nice weekend and I am looking forward to heading back to Swansea one weekend soon, but when my dad is home so we can spend some time with him too.

This is the type of snake we ran into 

My gorgeous sister and myself

My boyfriend nathan and me

Nathan, cassie the puppy and me

Friday, 17 February 2017

What I eat in a day

I thought it would be a good idea to share with you all what I eat on a typical day now that I am recovered. I don't eat exactly the same amount of calories every day but I know about what I eat and I never eat any less then 2200 calories. I eat relatively healithily, not because I am scared of typically unhealthy foods, but because I enjoy healthy foods as well as nourishing my body. I find I feel much more energetic and happy when I eat nutrient rich foods so thats why I chose to eat them most of the time. I thought I would share with you what I haveveaten over the last 3 days, so that you can get a good idea of what I usually eat :)

Meal 1: 1 large bowl of raspberry oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if water and 1 scoop of protein powder

Meal 2: 1 vanilla and banana shake made with 1 banana, 250mL soy milk, 2 scoops of herbalife vanilla sport f1 shake mix and 8 ice cubes

Meal 3: 3 rice cakes topped with tomato and cheese, 3 rice cakes topped with egg (1 boiled egg mixed with mayo), 1 apple, 1 strawberry Chobani greek yoghurt

Meal 4: 1 herbalife protein bar and 1 banana

Meal 5: went out for dinner and ordered chicken schnitzel with gravy and vegetables

Meal 6: 1 yoplait forme yoghurt and 1 peach


Meal 1: 1 large bowl of oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if water and 1 scoop of protein powder with 1 diced pear

Meal 2: 1 herbalife chocolate shake made with 1 scoop of dutch chocolate f1, 1 scoop if creamy vanilla sport f1 and 300mL almond milk

Meal 3: vegetable lasagna and salad (lettuce leaf mix, diced beetroot, cherry tomatoes, fetta cheese, olive oil)

Meal 4: 1 tub of chobani plain greek yoghurt mixed with 1 scoop of herbalife chocolate rebuild and blueberries (picture below)

Meal 5: 3 scrambled eggs cooked with 1 diced tomato and 60g of feta cheese with vegetables (baby broccoli, beans, pumpkin and carrot)

Meal 6: herbalife protein bar, watermelon and salt and vinegar rice wheels

Meal 1: 1 chocolate and banana shake made with 1 banana, 250mL soy milk, 2 scoops of herbalife f1 dutch chocolate shake mix and 8 ice cubes

Meal 2: 1 large bowl of oats (equivalent to 2 typical portions) made with half a cup of soy milk, 1 cup if milk and 1 scoop of protein powder

Meal 3: 3 rice cakes topped with tomato and cheese, 3 rice cakes topped with egg (1 boiled egg mixed with mayo), 1 yoplait forme berry yoghurt, watermelon and 2 pieces of herbalife chocolate

Meal 4: 1 small packet of salted popcorn, 1 protein  bar and grapes

Meal 5: honey soy chicken stirfry with hokkien noodles and vegetables (broccoli, carrot, beans)

Meal 6: Herbalife mug cake made with 2 scoops of chocolate f1 mix, 1 scoop of protein powder, 1 egg and 1/4 cup of milk microwaved and topped with greek yoghurt

Throughout the day I also snack on little things spontaeously like herbalife chocolate, grapes, rice cakes etc as I am walking through the kitchen (i.e. I have eaten 14 pieces of herbalife chocolate (which is actually higher calorie then normal chocolate) over the last 4 days. I drink atleast 2.5 litres of water per day which I add herbalife products to like Aloe, herbal tea, active fibre complex, hydrate or drive. I also take quite a few supplements as part of my nutrition program (i.e. 3 multivitamins, 3 cell-U-loss, 2 joint support, 1 chitosan fibre, 1 probiotic, 2 NRG's).

I currently have the best relationship with food I have ever had and I couldnt be happier. I no longer take anti anxiety medication and just feel so wonderful everyday, knowing that I am fueling my body with delicious and nutricious foods. In order to recover, you need to have a good relationship with food and you must be able to trust your body to tell you what it needs. Food is not something you should ever be scaredbof, it is simple fuel for your body and something that should be enjoyed. If you have any questions about my intake, feel free to leave a comment below.

What recovery means to me

In my opinion, this is only the very start of what recovey means to me. Overall, recovery simply means getting your life back. But after recovery I believe life is even more beautiful and incredible as you appreciate evey moment, instead of taking it for granted like most people do. You will see in the following photos that I am incredibly happy in evey single one. And I promise you that this smile was not just put on for the photos, this is how happy I am all of the time. People ask me how I can be so happy, bubbly and friendly all the time and I just tell them that it is completely effortless for me. I act this way because I am just so truly thankful and blessed for my health and all of the incredible things I have in my life.

Sunday, 12 February 2017


I found this article and wanted to share it with you all. I think it has some wonderful advice for anyone in recovery... xox

JANUARY 18, 2017l
I feel it when I wake up in the morning and try on every single pair of my jeans and everything looks bad and I just want to go back to sleep. But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don’t wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for way more important things. –Mindy Kaling
Though my road to recovery has been marked by various victories, I still have days when my growing body upsets me. This usually happens when I can’t pull an old dress down past my waist, or when a pair of my jeans fits so tightly that I experience intense anger any time I wear them.

Sometimes after these wardrobe failures, I start genuinely buying into the idea that I must begin exercising constantly and sticking to a strict diet of baby carrots and salsa if I expect to have a hope in this world. I begin my frenzied Google tirade, searching such intellectual topics as “how to lose weight in your hips but keep it in your chest”, “why are my hips still growing even though I’m an adult woman?”, and “why are my jeggings so ridiculously tight today?”

But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise

Of course, I feel like a fool after these escapades, mostly because I know I should be Googling “volunteer opportunities near me”, “how to save the world”, and “Mother’s Day gift ideas” instead. But the truth is, even when you know deep down that you are on a trajectory toward health, it can be tough to silence the sneaky voices attempting to convince you otherwise.

How can you be getting healthier when you’re getting heavier? Why are you trying to convince yourself that buying bigger clothes is a positive thing? Doesn’t that just mean that you lack discipline and self-control?

Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful. For many of us, embracing the journey requires a complete shift in mindset. It requires moment-by-moment choices to surrender to the process and to continually extend grace to yourself.

Embracing your recovery journey can be challenging, especially when you’ve been indoctrinated to believe that gaining weight or increasing in size are undesirable and shameful

It requires that you relinquish shame and comparison and self-loathing. It requires daily self-acceptance and self-love. Embracing the journey, in short, likely requires of you that which, for however long, you have attempted to stifle and suppress.
And a journey like that is bound to have its ups and downs.

Some days I love my new curves, and some days I miss my protruding hipbones. Some days I can’t wait to eat, and some days I miss the time when I didn’t. Some days I feel confident in my recovering body, and some days I miss the security of my sick one.

As twisted as it may sound, I can tend to idealize and romanticize the era of my eating disorder. That place of frailty and starvation had become so seemingly safe and comfortable. But when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for.

…when I take the time to thoroughly reflect on those years, I realize that there was something dead in me that is now being nourished and tended to and cared for

And that is what embracing recovery is all about—

realizing that your growing body is not a sign of failure, but rather a testament of victory in the courageous fight for your life. How exciting is that?

Here are four simple reminders to aid in learning to embrace your journey and all that comes along with it:

You do not need to explain or justify the way your body changes, the weight you gain, or your personal choices regarding recovery to anyone else, especially to those sneaky lying voices.

Gaining weight ≠ losing value as a human being, despite what the magazines declare, despite what certain men allegedly prefer, and despite what we may sometimes resort to believing. Remember: growth = good.

Surrounding yourself with kind and hopeful people who support your recovery journey and promote your recovering body is key to success.

Some days are bound to be more difficult than other days, but this does not negate that which you know to be true. You will fall down once in a while, and that is okay. The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.

The important thing is that you remember that you do have the strength to get back up, and that you do have the authority to declare truth and freedom in this area of your life.

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Just a little update

I know that this post is well over due and for that I apologise. I was hoping that when I completed university last semester I would have more time for blogging but sadly that has not been the case at all. Life has been super busy and I am a little worried about how hectic things will be when I return to uni for my next semester. Part of me is excited to get back into studying again as I truly do love learning, especially about health science however another part of me is feeling a little lazy about going back to studying. I am confident however that I will be able to keep a happy and balanced lifestyle again this year, as I was able to do last year. I was so proud of my results for my last semester of study and even prouder that I was able to stay so healthy and happy while achieving those results, unlike at times in the past when I was unable to do this.

Outside of study and work, things are still great for me. Things are as wonderful as ever between my gorgeous boyfriend Nathan and myself and I am still feeling fantastic on my Herbalife Nutrition program. I feel as though my relationship with food is still wonderful and I am able to just enjoy everyday the way all people should be able to, with no added anxiety, fear or stress. Life is simply good! I exercise most days, either at the gym or by going for a walk with a friend and I love feeling so fit and healthy. Something I have found since being on my Herbalife nutrition program is that my immune system is incredible. I cant remember the last time I was sick and even when those around me get colds or illnesses, I never seem to get them. I guess this just goes to show how healthy my body really is now, as it manages to fight off any viruses before I actually start experiencing any symptoms.

My weight is stable and I do not feel as though I have to try really hard to keep it that way. I just listen to my body and it tells me if I need to eat more to make up for any extra physical activity I may do. I know approximately how many calories I eat each day (lets be honest, its difficult not to know how much we eat in terms of calories as post anorexics) but eating more or less doesn't scare me. Of course I try not to eat less then my usual amount most days but occasionally due to lack of appetite or hectic work hours I will eat slightly less. Just as I sometimes eat more if I have a weekend away or am extra Hungary. Neither of which scare me anymore which feels great. I know that this wont affect my weight and that this is just how normal people live!

Nathan and me (far left) with our gang at the Adelaide Herbalife Spectacular Party

Nathan and I (taken out with friends in Hobart) 

Since starting Herbalife and making a full recovery from anorexia, I feel the healthiest and happiest I ever have in my life!

Monday, 9 January 2017

What it means to be recovered article

Article  from:

When I first entered into treatment, I believed that once I put on the weight that I had lost and learned how to eat normally, I would be recovered. I didn’t think about the processing that had to happen in order to fully leave the eating disorder in my past. I thought that recovery was simply about food– that once I was able to complete my meal plan 100% and avoid using behaviors such as diet pills, laxatives, and exercise, I would be discharged from treatment and be able to return to my life. But in reality, recovery is about so much more than food.
Weight restoration and normalized eating is a part of it, but recovery goes so much deeper than that.
Recovery is about discovering everything that is within you. It is about knowing and reassuring yourself that this is something you did not choose, but you are choosing to be brave and move past it, despite your mind telling you otherwise. It is coming out stronger on the other side because you know that recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. It is sharing your story and helping others. It is no longer competing with the people around you to be the skinniest, but instead choosing to strive for health and happiness.
Recovery is about enjoying all types of food and not just sticking to a meal plan of quinoa, green smoothies, and Clif bars. It is going to get ice cream with your friends at 10 o’clock on a Tuesday night because you’re hungry and it’s 95 degrees outside. Recovery is being able to enjoy your birthday cake and not pack a separate dinner that you bring to the hibachi restaurant. It is being able to eat a doughnut for your afternoon snack, and still eat a normal dinner. It is being able to eat a salad and do so in a healthy way, without thoughts racing of how salad should be the only thing you eat for the next week. It is bringing scones into work and eating some in addition to your breakfast because you want to celebrate that it’s Friday with your coworkers.
Recovery is going on a walk with your best friend to talk about old memories without counting every step you take.
It is going to the gym to do yoga or a spin class without spending the whole day on the treadmill. It is sleeping in on a Sunday morning because you were up late the night before, and it is okay to take a break. Recovery is going out with friends and having a drink because the extra calories will not break you. It is taking the day off from work when you are sick because your body needs rest to heal.
Recovery is knowing that not everything has to be perfect. It is being able to ask for help on a math problem because you are learning and are not expected to know everything. It is getting a C on a test and taking the time to learn what went wrong without punishing yourself by not eating for the next week. Recovery is making mistakes and knowing that you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. It is getting into a fight with your boyfriend and knowing that with time things will heal.
Recovery is taking risks. It is showing emotions rather than covering everything up with a fake smile and telling everybody that you are fine. It is going up to the girl reading your favorite book and sparking a conversation that leads to an excellent friendship because you’re not worried that she is going to judge you for your body. Recovery is applying to the internship even if you’re just a freshman because even applying is good experience and will only help you in the long run. It is trying a sport that you’ve never done before because you want to have fun with your friends, and it is not important if you are the best one or not. It is signing up for a Spanish class when you have never taken a foreign language because you want to try something new.
Recovery is about creating a life outside of the eating disorder. It is being able to feel safe outside of a treatment center. It is being able to eat in front of people you have never met before without fear that they are constantly judging everything morsel you eat. Recovery is graduating from residential and PHP and wanting to start a new life rather than go back to treatment because that is where you feel the most accepted.
It is growing and healing and beginning to turn into a new and improved version of yourself.
Recovery is knowing that there will be times when things get incredibly difficult. It is knowing that slips and relapses will happen, but you can get back up. It is going back to treatment with more motivation than ever and coming out stronger. It is knowing that recovery is not linear. Recovery is feeling all emotions and accepting them. It is being angry and sad and crying in front of other people because you are human and you have feelings just like everyone else in this world. Recovery is being okay with things being out of control. It is picking yourself back up again when you fall.
Recovering from an eating disorder is about so many things, but most importantly, it is about finding yourself. It is about going after your dreams and fighting for your passions. It is living life feeling free. It is showing the remarkable amount of strength and courage you have inside of you. Recovery is about finding your light and spreading it around the world. Recovery is falling in love with being alive. Recovery is more than existing, it is living. Recovery is wonderful.
Today, I am beyond grateful that I have gotten the chance to recover. This journey has been anything but easy, but today I am stronger than ever. Rock bottom has become the foundation upon which I have rebuilt my life. I am growing and flourishing, and none of this would have been possible if I stayed in my eating disorder. Recovery is hard and scary, and sometimes seems like it will ruin your life, but when you fight long and hard enough, you realize how much more there is in life than anorexia. Life is beautiful, so go out there and chase it. Go after your dreams. Fight for what you believe in. Accept love and radiate love. You belong in this world. You are beautiful.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Narcissist parent

My childhood and teenage years weren't exactly easy and I know that what I went through over this time significantly contributed to my low self esteem as well as the development of my anorexia. At the time I had no idea why my mum was treating me the way she was but now I know that she was treating me differently from my siblings because she was in capable of feeling maternal love towards me. I remember balling my eyes out and asking her why she hated me so much and eventually she stopped denying that she hated me and just admitted that she didnt know why she couldnt love me like she did my siblings. Accepting this was hard and to begin with I tortured myself for year's trying to win her love. All I got from her however was more emotional abuse and neglect.

In the early stages of my eating disorder when I had just started making myself vomit after eating sometimes I remember breaking down and telling my mum what I had been doing. I expected her to take me to the doctor or atleast try to help me through it. All she did however was tell me that "you should stop that"andInever heard another word about it again until I was hospitalised about 4 months later. She hever once asked me if I was ok or if I was still practicing that dangerous behaviour. I asked her later about why she didnt do anything when I told her what I had been doing and she told me she was too busy dealing with my little sister to worry about me too. Also, when I was first hospitalised I remember laying in my hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and unable to even walk to the toilet and having my mum call me and growl at me for not taking my text books to hospital with me as I would miss out on studying. She wasnt concerned about the fact that my heart was failing or that I was very sick, all she cared bout was me missing out on school.

These are just a few of the signs that my mum didnt have normal maternal feelings towards me. She was also very jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and she felt incredibly threatened if ever my younger sister looked up to me as a mother figure also. Mum was an alcoholic so whenever she got drunk, her true loathing for me really came out. Atleast while she was sober she could try and hide the fact that she didnt care about me the way she did about my 2 brothers and sister.

The reason I am writing this post today is to reach out to anyone else who my have a narcissistic parent. In order for me to recover, I had to cut myself off from my mother all together and had to stop trying to get her to love me the way I always wanted her too. I highly recommend you try to cut your parent off too, if they are a narcissist, or atleast stop trying to win their love. The truth is, your narcissistic parent can not love you unless you are their 'golden child' and as long as you try to get them to, you are only torturing yourself. I have accepted I will never have a mum and that is completely ok. I have so many other wonderful people in my life so I really dont need her, one little bit! And oneday I hope to have a daughter so I can have the mother daughter relationship with her that I never got to have with my own mum.

21 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (Be Concerned if She Has Many of Them)

  • 1. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This is a defining feature of narcissism. She will steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion if someone else is the center of attention.
  • 2. She demeans, criticizes and makes derogatory remarks to you. She always lets you know that she thinks less of you than your siblings or other people.
  • 3. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. There is no privacy in your bathroom or bedroom; she regularly goes through your things to find information she then uses against you.
  • 4. She ‘favoritizes’. Narcissistic mothers often have one child who is “the golden child” and another who is the scapegoat.
    • 5. She undermines She will pick a fight with you or be especially critical and unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort.
    • 6. Everything she does is ‘deniable’. Cruelties are couched in loving terms; aggressive acts are paraded as thoughtfulness.
    • 7. She makes YOU look crazy. When you confront her with something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (common phrase that abusers use to invalidate your experience of their abuse) or that she has “no idea what you are talking about”.
    • 8. She’s jealous. If you get something nice, she’ll take it from you, spoil it for you or get something the same or better for herself.
    • 9. She’s a continuous liar. To you, she lies blatantly. To outsiders, she lies thoughtfully and in ways that can always be covered up.
    • 10. She manipulates your emotions in order to “feed on your pain”. This behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that they are often referred to as “emotional vampires”.
    • 11. She is selfish and willful. She makes sure SHE has the best of everything and always has to have her way.
    • 12. She is self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are Very Important and yours are irrelevant or insignificant.
    • 13. She is almost absurdly defensive and extremely sensitive to criticism.
    • 14. She terrorized you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their wrath. If you give her everything she wants, you might be spared; but if you don’t-the punishments WILL come.
    • 15. She’s childish and petty; “getting even” with you is important to her.
    • 16. She is aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She won’t take no for an answer-she will push, arm-twist, or otherwise manipulate or abuse you until you give in.
    • 17. She “parentifies”. She sheds her parental responsibilities to the child as soon as she is able.
    • 18. She is exploitive. She will go to any length to get things from others for nothing (work, money, objects)- including taking money out of her children’s account or even stealing their identities.
    • 19. She projects. She will put her own poor behavior or character onto you so she can punish you. For example, you refuse an especially outlandish request of hers, she becomes enraged and furious at your refusal, then screams at you, “we’ll talk about it after you’ve calmed down and aren’t hysterical”.
    • 20. She is never wrong about anything. She will never, ever genuinely apologize for anything she has done or said.
    • 21. She is not aware that other people have feelings. She will occasionally slip up in public, and because of her lack of sympathy, will say something so callous it causes disbelief in people. The absence of empathy is another defining trait of narcissism and underlies most of the other signs that are on this list.