Binging and Purging

The only time I have ever experienced the feeling of loosing control with food is when I was restricting what I ate and trying to loose weight before my anorexia completely developed. I suppose that this what the warning sign that my relationship with food really wasn't that healthy as I really was willing to do anything at all, to prevent myself from gaining weight, even if it meant making myself sick. Even now, I think I am still frightened of undereating as this is what initially led too me loosing control with food. 

Even though I have made a promise to myslef that Iwill never make myself purge again, I am still scared that I will put myself in a position whereby I feel as though I need to make myself sick again, after loosing control and binging. Although it has been years since I last made myself sick, I remember it as being the most awful experience of my life. It was so painful, both physically and emotionally to make myself sick and I never want to put myself in that position again. 

I think that the most important tips to help prevent a binge is to not restrict in the first place and too listen to your body and try your hardest to eat in moderation. Our bodies are extremely clever and know what we need. In my experience, it is only when we deny ourselves of the things that we crave and need that we eventually end up binging which leads to enormous guilt and then sometimes purging too. If you eat what you feel like eating in moderation, whenever you feel like eating it, then chances are you will not end up getting out of control cravings which will lead to you losing control with food.

Whenever I used to 'lose control' with food, I always knew that I was going to make myself sick afterwards the whole time I was eating. Inever ate enormos amounts of food when I 'lost control' with food so I dont even reallly know if it would have constituted a binge but it basically just involved me eating foods that I had told myself I wasn't allowed to eat. For example if I ate dessert one night, then Iwould tell myself that since I was going to make myself sick anyway, I may as well eat a few more nice things before I did. Idon't know why but I have always been quite ashaimed of the fact that I went through this but I now realise that it was nothing to be ashaimed of.

And finally, if you ever do over eat or binge, please DONT make yourself purge. As I have already mentioned, it really was the most awful thing I have ever done to myself and I would not want anyone to go through what I experienced. If you do happen to binge, just take a moment to realise what has happened and perhaps identify any triggers that may have led to the binge and then try your hardest to MOVE ON. Restricting after a binge is the worst thing you could possibely do as this just means that you are more likely to binge again in the near future. 

I know I don't really talk about binging and purging all that much as it isn't something that has effected me for a really long time and I guess I have learnt how to overcome it but it is still a really important topic that I am sure is relevant to some of my readers. I suppose my binging and purginng stopped when my restrictive anorexia truly began as once I developed bad anorexia, I stopped ever losing control with food and found a new way to control my weight that didn't involve my going through the pain involved ith making myself sick. 

I just wat to point out that all eating disorders are equally as terrifying for the sufferer and no one should ever feel ashaimed of what they are going through. Although there is possibely more attetion paid to anorexia in the media, other eating disorders like Bulimia, BED and EDNOS are equally as serious. So Ihighly encourage you to get help if you are suffering from any of these illnesses. No one deserves life with an eating disorder of any kind and recoveryr is possible for everyone who believes in it and in themselves. 

Binging in recovery

Something I have been terrified of doing since starting to recover, but fortunately have not yet experienced is binging. Apparently it is quite common for people in recovery to experience binge eating episodes and as explained in the following article, there is a reasonable explanation for why it may happen. The most important thing to remember if you do binge is that it is ok, you just need to move forward and think try to think positively. I think that the main reason I have not experienced binging is because I am already giving my body so much nice and nutritious food that it doesnt really feel as though it needs any extra.  

I honestly do not feel as though I would be able to handle the guilt associated with a binge but I suppose I would just have to deal with it as best as I possibly could, if it ever did happen. I think I would be very tempted to make myself sick as this is something I did as my anorexa was developing to deal with the guilt of eating. I made a promise to myself almost 3 years ago that I would never make myself vomit again as it is honestly the most awful thing I have ever dont in my life and I do hope that I never break tis promise. It is important to remember that restricting after a binge or purging will only make another binge much more likely and this could result in another eating disorder developing like binge eating disorder or bulimia.

ARE BINGES NORMAL IN RECOVERY?

It’s time for my evening snack.  I check my meal plan and look at what I have available in the kitchen to meet my servings.  Graham crackers and milk seems like a good idea.  I take out 2 sheets pour myself a cup of milk and sit down.  I dip the first sheet in the milk doing my best to be mindful, but I end up eating it fast so it doesn’t fall in.  The second one goes even faster.  Okay I’m done…or am I?  Unfortunately not.  I have somehow awoken the binge beast.  I start to move my way around the kitchen frantically searching for more food.  I feel like I’m on autopilot with a mission to devour everything in my path.  Completely disconnected from my body and reality I mindlessly gorge myself into an uncomfortable state of oblivion.  I really don’t know what snaps me out of the trance, it could be my bulging belly or the fact that I have eaten practically everything available that doesn’t have a cooking time of more than 5 minutes.  I sit down and cry myself to sleep completely discouraged and disappointed with myself.

This was a flashback to me in recovery.  These uncontrollable binge episodes were somewhat of a common occurrence for me in the beginning, but with time they became fewer and farther between to the point that it has been well over 5 years since my last one.  If you are struggling with binging it is important to know that you are not alone, you are not an anomaly.  As freaky and abnormal as the behavior seems you are acting normal in recovery.  I like to think of a simple analogy to explain what’s going on physiologically.  Imagine you are forced to hold your breath for 3 minutes…

… 3 … 2 … 1 … 0

when you are allowed to take your first sip of air it is going to be more like a gulp, actually more like a massive I need this air or I am going to die type of gulp.   Now think about how your body feels after all the time you have been restricting and depriving it.  After all the time that you have only been eating a limited range of foods off your “safe list”.   When you begin to give yourself permission to eat a wider range of foods you will most likely overcompensate.  On top of this, you are also processing a lot of new emotions.  Binging can be a coping mechanism that helps you to distract and numb yourself from them.  I’m not advocating binges, but I do believe there is a reason they are not uncommon in the beginning stages of recovery.  If you are struggling with binging now please remember these five things.  You are not defective.  You are not doing recovery wrong.  You are not going to fail.  You will overcome this.  It is not forever.  What is important is to accept where you are at and move forward.  If you binge at your evening snack time start over tomorrow and eat breakfast.  If you overeat at breakfast eat lunch.  I know it is tough to eat the next meal, but it is the only way to take away the power from your eating disorder.  A binge may feel like you took one step backwards, but showing up at the next meal is taking two steps forward.

Binging in Anorexia Recovery

I know that it is quite common for people who have suffered from restrictive eating disorders to experience binging after they start eating larger amount in recovery and this is something that I am really scared of. When I talk about binging, I don't just mean eating lots as obviously this is what all anorexics need to do while they are recovering. While I have stuck to my meal plan really well so far and have never felt as though I have lost control over what I am eating, I still worry that it could happen to me as it is so common in recovery.

One of the reasons I am so terrified of binging is because I know how guilty and awful I would feel and this may lead me feeling as though need to purge. While I haven't purged over the last 3 years, I did do it very early on in my eating disorder and it was by far the most awful thing I have ever done to myself. I honestly think that my anorexia started as the purge type anorexia and then transformed into the restrictive type. When I was admitted to hospital early on in my illness I made a promise to myself that I would never make myself vomit again and that I would not put myself in a position so that I would feel tempted to do so ever again either.

I try not to think about it too much as was so awful but it was extremely painful and made me feel very ashamed. For me, it wasn't easy to make myself vomit so It would take me a long time to get rid of what I had eaten. When I finished my stomach muscles would be really sore, as was my throat and my hand. I still have a scar over my knuckle from where it repeatedly rubbed over my teeth as I made myself vomit and I am really surprised no one ever noticed it when I was purging as it would have been an obvious give away for anyone who had any knowledge about eating disorders. 

I understand why binges happen in anorexic recovery and if you want to learn more about it, you should click here. I get that it is a natural response when your body is reintroduced to food after being deprived for so long, but that does not mean I want it to happen to me. While I know that the extra food consumed in a binge wouldn't necessarily be bad in terms of my physical recovery, I know that it it would be very damaging psychologically For me. I am finally really enjoying food again and I dont want to make myself feel bad about eating it, which is what would happen if I binged. There is also always the risk of developing a secondary eating disorder like Binge Eating Disorder which I obviously want to avoid as well.

Does anyone else have these types of worries while recovering? Or does anyone have any advice about how to prevent binging in recovery?