Loving life

Finally, it feels as though everything has fallen into place in my life. I am getting along better with all of my family then I have for as long as I can remember and I have heaps of great friends too, for the first time in years. When I got sick, I pushed so many important people away and it really only has been through my recovery that I have managed to mend those relationships. I have also formed many brand new friendships, that have helped to make my life seem more complete too.

Of course, I cant deny the fact that most of my current happiness is due to my incredible boyfriend. Words really can't explain just how important my boyfriend is to me. Even though we have only been seeing each other for 6 months, I really do feel as though he is my everything and I can't imagine ever not having him by my side. He is so supportive, loving and kind and I still cant believe just how lucky I am to have him in my life. Every moment we aren't together I miss him and every moment we are together I truly treasure.

I start uni in a months time which I am really looking forward to. I will be studying a bachelor of Health Science and cant wait to start studying the biology based subjects that I am so passionate about again. I have finally found a part time job too, which is a huge relief. I am getting along really well with the people I live with and I am adjusting to living in the city again well. Last time I lived in the city to attend uni I was completely miserable, but now that I am so much better I really like it and have no desire to head back home.

After being in such a bad place for so many years, I feel so thankful for how good things are now and try to remember not to ever take my happiness for granted. In saying this, I know that I have worked incredibely hard for my current hapiness, I didn't just get this happy by chance or luck. I Had to fight my illness and make myself miserable, in order to eventually find true happiness. I am proud of myself for fighting so hard for recovery and see my happiness now as a reward for all the hard work I have put into my recovery over the last 12 months.

I believe that if you want to be happy and enjoy life, then you can do it, but you will have to work for it too. Also, remember that in order to make yourself happy in the long run, you will have to make your self unhappy in the short term by confronting your eating disorder and fighting your fears. Recovery is very painful, but always try to remember just how great life will be if you keep pushing through the pain and keep fighting. So please, as long as you dont give up hope and keep fighting,  you too could be loving your life sometime soon!

My understanding of Metabolism

In the early stages of my recovery, I remember feeling extremely worried that my metabolism would never recover and that I would have a supressed metabolism for the rest of my life. I was worried that I would never be able to eat normal amounts of food again, without gaining weight. I was pleasantly surprised however, as this has not been the case for me at all and it doesnt have to be the case for you either. In fact, if you recover the right way, you may find that you have an even faster metabolism then you had before you got sick.

If you eat proper recovery amounts FOR YOU, your metabolism will recover. You need to realise that a proper recovery amount for you, may be more or less then others, although it is almost always over 2500 calories. For example I found that 2500 calories was no where near enough for me to gain weight and for my body to repair as well as function normally. In fact I  have found that going above 3000 calories has even been neccessary and my weight gain still isnt always as much as it should be. Your metabolism simply will not recover if you dont eat proper recovery amounts and the reason for this is quite logical.

If a normal person maintains there weight at 2000 calories, this means that all of the energy they eat can be used to keep them alive. This amount of energy is enough so their body can function optimally and healthily. If a recovering anorexic tries to get better eating only 2000 calories however, not all of this energy is used for everyday functioning, as it is in a normal person. Energy must also go to repairing the body and weight gain. So once energy has been used for these other things, there may only be 500 calories or so left over for your body to use for its normal functioning, which simply is not enough. Your metabolism must therefore stay in a supressed state, to try and keep you alive as best it can on so few calories.

Eating a larger number of calories allows your body to run efficiently as well as repair  and gain weight and your metabolism therefore can speed right back up again. Sometimes in recovery, your metabolism actually starts running too fast, which means even more energy is used by your body while completing everyday functions then in regular people. This is known as hypermetabolism and can cause things like overheating, extreme hunger, difficulty gaining weight, insomnia and fatigue (all things I have experienced throughout my recovery at different times). Generally your metabolism will stabilise again however, once you reach a healthy weight.

Know that it is never to late for you to repair your metabolisnlism, but to do so you will need to eat proper recovery amounts of food, so that your body can come out of starvation mode. Indications that your bodies metabolism may still be supressed include feeling cold all the time, constantly thinking about food and feeling really hungry, thinning hair and nails and gaining weight easily on a relatively low calorie intake. So if you have any of these symptoms, you really need to increase your intake to proper recovery amounts, even if you are allready weight restored.

A cold start to winter

It is only the second day of winter but it is already freezing cold. I am not looking forward to walking Tess early in the morning as it is only supposed to be about 4 degrees celcius (0 degrees realfeel). Luckily however, I am not feeling the cold anywhere near as badly this winter as I was this time last year or the year before.

Like many people suffering from Anorexia, I have always had trouble regulating my body temperature ever since developing my illness. I had bad hypothermia before I went into hospital and have been very sensitive to the cold ever since. Even in the middle of summer I would sometimes get blue finger nails because I was so cold and couldnt go swimming as I would feel far too cold.

Not only have I gained weight since then, but my body now has enough energy readily available for it to regulate my body temperature better. In fact, since increasing my calories to recovery amounts, I am now sometimes less sensitive to the cold then other people. I have been suffering from night sweats the last few nights which is crazy, considering it is so cold but I suppose it is just because I am eating so much.

While I was experiencing hypermetabolism symptoms as soon as I increased my calories before I really started gaining a significant amount of weight, I hadnt had symptoms of it for quite a while. I only started experiencing the symptoms again a couple of days ago, which could explain why I lost weight at that time. if you want to read a bit more about hypermetabolism, you can read a blog post I wrote a while ago here.

I am curious to see what my weight has done over the last few day when I weigh myself tomorrow morning. I honestly think I will have gained the amount I need to but if I havent, I will just increase my intake again. I dont care how much I eventually have to eat, I am determined to do it as I simply refuse to give into my anorexia. I would like to gain atleast 300g since my last weigh in (which is 100g per day) but would be happy with any weight gain at all after my last weigh In.

I will let you all know how I go tomorrow morning. :) I hope everyone has had/is having a wonderful day, keep fighting <3

Sunday weigh in and altered meal plan

I weighed myself again this morning as it has been over half a week since I last weighed myself and once again was shocked to see I hadnt gained anymore weight. While I feel as though I am getting much bigger and I can see physical differences in myself, it doesnt seem to be trsnlating to the scales. Obviously my anorexia is still trying to get me to see my body through distorted eyes but I wont let this change the progress I am making in my recovery. I know I cant trust my anorexia in any eay.

My weight gain has looked liked this so far:
* I have substituted the first number with an X so you see how much weight I have gained without seeing my actual weight just incase you find that triggering.

22/4 (Wed)
X3.8 kg
(Increased intake)

26/4 (Sun)
X4.2 kg
(Increased intake)

30/4 (Wed)
X4.7 kg

3/5 (Sun)
X4.5 kg
(Increased intake)

6/5 (Wed)
X5.0 kg

10/5 (Sun)
X4.9 kg
(Increased intake)

I would like to just wait and see if I gain weight between now and Wednesday before increasing my intake again but I know that this would mean giving into my anorexia, afterall it is my anorexia telling me I dont want to increase my intake again. The real me knows that while i am managing to make some progress with my weight gain, I am not gaining weight at a fast enough rate.

So once again I know I must increase my calories, as it is the right thing for me and my recovery. I am going to add a small piece of fruit to my morning tea each day for example a mandarin, kiwi fruit or some dried apricots. I have also increased my dessert portion so that it alone now contains the same amount of energy as my other snacks and my hot chocolate is just an extra. Before now my dessert and hot chocolate together contained the same amount of calories as my others snacks.

So I have made two small changes to my old meal plan which has once again increased my overall daily intake. My updated plan is as follows;

Breakfast

~1 sachet of Uncle Toby's flavoured oats prepared with 1/2 Cup of milk and

topped with 1 small apple/banana

~2 slices of wholemeal toast with extra thickly spread nut butter

Morning Tea

~1 large serving of cake (i.e. lamington, muffin, slice)

~1 Up and Go meal supplement drink
~ 1 small piece of fruit (mandarin, kiwi fruit or dried apricots)

Lunch

~1 sandwich made with 2 slices of wholemeal bread, butter, protein (i.e. thickly cut belgium, ham or cheese) and Thickly spread tomato Relish

~1 dairy Dessert (i.e. Lerice creamed rice, Danone full fat yoghurt, Custard Snak Pack)

~1 large serving of fruit (i.e. 1 large Banana, 1 cup of grapes, 1 large pear)

Afternoon Tea

~ Chocolate bar (Picnic, Violet crumble, Kit Kat)

~ fruit (Apple, orange)

~ 1 Just juice fruit juice

or

~Chocolate bar (Twirl, Time Out, Aero)

~Vanilla yoghurt

~1 tub of apple puree, stewed rhubarb or sultanas

or

~Nut bar

~Fruit Tub

~2 sweet biscuits (anzacs, custard creams, choc chip cookies)

Tea

~Meat (chicken, fish, silverside, Duck, Venison) or casserole

~Mashed potato

~Vegetables

~Sauce

or

~Large serving of pasta or rice

~Vegetables

Dessert

~1 large serve of Pudding (i.e. Lemon, chocolate, sticky date) or 1 hot apple pie

~2 large scoops of vanilla icecream

Supper

~1 hot chocolate

What do you think of my meal plan? Do you think it is well balanced and adequate?Also, do you think it is a good idea to weigh myself twise a week as I am currently doing or would it be better for me to just do it weekly?

A typical Monday in recovery

I haven't really done anything all that exciting today but I though it would be nice to give you all a quick update about of how I am going anyway.

I have been awake since 3:30 this morning so it gas been quite a long day for me but surprisingly im not too tired. Something I have noticed since starting to eat so much more is all the energy I now have. I wake up every morning feeling completely energized and ready to start my day. I almost feel like a child who is 'hyped up' after drinking too much red cordial. It feels amazing to be full of so much energy and it is simply because for the first time In a long time I am providing my body with exactely what it needs.

I worked at the bank all day today and got home in just enough time to walk Tess before tea which was great. Since tea I have eaten an extra yummy dessert of hot apple pie with vanilla custard as well as a vanilla milkshake (as I didnt want a hot chocolate as I am already feeling super hot).

There are a few negative effects of refeeding that I am currently experiencing but I am trying not to let them get me down. Firstly I have been overheating at various times throughout the day, particularly in the mornings, after my meals and of a night. As I mentioned yesterday I think that this is due to something  called hypermetabolism.

The reason anorexics commonly suffer from hot flushes is because their bodies start to use energy quite inefficiently whe they are reintroduced to large amounts of food. THIS site explains that while a normal person will only use up 15% of the total energy consumed to produce heat, 30% of an the energy consumed by a person being refed is used to make heat. This is why so many calories are required for a recovering anorexic to gain weight as a smaller proportion of the energy they consume is actually available for muscle rebuilding and fat storage.

Feeling so hot all the time is very different for me as I have always felt extremely cold at all times throughout my illness so far. While I used to wear jumpers in summer whenever I left the house, I had to take my jumper off this morning while I was walking Tess, even though it was only 8 degrees celcius. Its not a terrible side effect of recovery but these hot flushes can still feel really uncomfortable and they make me sweat a lot which can be quite embarrassing.

Another effect is that my skin is not very good at the moment. I have had pimples at various stages throughout my illness but It had gotten a bit better before I started eating so much. My acne has always been much worse whenever I have been feeling particularly stressed or anxious which explains why my skin is not great now. I obviously do feel worried and anxious at various times while fighting my anorexia but so far it hasnt been anything I cant handle. I also know that my hormones would be going crazy as I refeed my body which could also quite easily contribute to my pimples.

While I wish I was not experiencing these negative effects of refeeding, they dont make me want to stop what I am doing for even a moment. Who cares if I get a few pimples or if I need to take a cold shower to cool myself down when I start to overheat. At the end of the day those tiny little things are nothing compared to what recovery would mean for me. We must also always remember that these types of effects are only temporary. I hope that everyone has had a great weekend and that you are feeling ready and energised for the week ahead!