How to stop thinking about food

Somthing that used to drive me crazy and still drives me crazy to some degree is obsessing over food. When I first started obsessing over food, it was because I was restricting what I ate. Since eating recovery amounts, I dont think about food anywhere near as much as I used to do but I do still think about it more then normal people do whixh I find quite annoying. I guess this is because it has almost become a habit, that I now need to break. I found the following article from this website really interesting and also really helpful.

Are these the thoughts that run through your head? All. Day. Long?

Isn’t it lunch time yet? (at 10:00 am)

What should I make for dinner? (at 3:00 pm after your sweet treat pick-me-up)

Anything healthy in that vending machine?

OMG! I just totally blew my whole day by eating too many calories…

…may as well keep going.

If I get the calorie-free version, I can eat more.

Did I really just eat an entire half of an avocado?!

I want to eat that cookie. I was so good all day. I deserve a treat. It’ll be fine… I’ll just work out longer tomorrow.

It’s the weekend; I deserve another glass of wine.

Bathing Suit!? I really need to cut my calories…

…I’ll start Monday.

Clients often say, “Maya, it’s like you’re in my head!” to which I reply, “Because these used to be my thoughts too.” After uncovering my passion and purpose, I’ve come to learn that I was never alone with these thoughts, that these were the thoughts of millions of other women (and a few men) too. So YES, you are not alone in them and YES there is a way out of the obsessive thinking addiction.

So let’s begin to tackle this mental habit, but first know this:

This is not a subject that can be covered in its entirety with one tiny little blog post. The clients participating in my FREEDOM coaching program, can take over six months to get through this topic. This should give you an idea of the depth of practice required to alter your behaviors permanently.

In the meantime, let’s take a closer look and try to understand this topic a little bit better so you can begin to make some changes in your life NOW.

Thinking about food all of the time is a mental habit. Mental habits are repetitions of thought, meaning thoughts you keep thinking over and over again. In the same way you change a physical habit by first determining an alternative routine, you must first determine the desired alternative thought.

In other words, if you didn’t think about food ALL day long, what would you want to think about instead? What would you prefer to think about instead of the constant barrage of food thoughts? If the thinking about food makes you feel burdened, worrisome or frustrated, what thoughts would make you feel happy, light or peaceful?

Maybe thinking about something you are grateful for.

What about an accomplishment in your life?

Or even focusing on a peaceful or relaxing place like ocean or mountains?

Once you’ve determined the alternative thought you wish to use to replace the old one, you must maintain enough awareness of your thoughts to catch yourself thinking them! Typically, in the beginning, thoughts about food come so often and are so prominent (like any habit) that you only realize they are happening, when you notice how bad they make you feel.

It is entirely possible that just reading this post will help you to be more aware in the coming days.

So when the food thoughts arise and you are conscious of them, do this:

1. Pause for a moment.

2. Close your eyes.

3. Take three breaths, inhaling and exhaling deeply, breathing from your belly.

4. Repeat these words to yourself, “I am calm. Everything is OK in this moment.”You can say it silently to yourself or out loud.

5. Continue by recalling your desired, alternate thought to mind. Hold that thought for as long as it is comfortable, peaceful and relaxing.

Repeat this as often as needed for one week. Practice focusing on your new thought and note the changes to your thought patterns and subsequent emotions along the way. In the same you practice a new habit of meal planning or exercising, you are practicing a new thought habit. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Obsessing over food

Something I certainly do not miss from when my anorexia was at its worst is being completely obsessed with food. I would literally spend every minute of everyday thinking about food and it really was horrible. Because I wasn't eating anywhere near enough, my body obviously wanted me to eat which Isuppose was one of the reasons I couldn't stop thinking about food.

I became obsessed with trying my hardest to trick my body and everyone around me into thinking that I was eating plenty, however I was always consuming hardly any calories. I always ate foods that had a very low calorie density so that I would feel full for a little while however my body was still getting barely any energy.

I remember laying awake being unable to sleep at night and watching television series like 'Man Vs Food'. I don't know if you have ever heard of this show but it is basically just about a guy travelling around America and dining at 'pig out joints.' My favourite segment on the show would be when he took on food challenges when he had to do insane things like eat 30 hot dogs in 30 minutes etc.

I absolutely loved every minute that I spent eating (as long as I had prepared the food myself) and tried to eat my food as slowly as possible so that I could enjoy it for longer. I would use tny cutlery, take tiny bites and chew each mouthful many times. The whole time I wasn't eating, I was inpatiently waiting for my next meal time. I would never eat a meal early, no matter how hungry I was as to me this meant that I had lost the control I had over food which is something I was terrified of.

I would sped a long time cooking for other people. I would cook cakes and cookies and slices but eventually my family stoppped eating them and I couldn't bare to see food wasting so I stopped baking. I still however continues to read cook books and collect recipes. I would often rearrange the food on our fridge or cupboards and I had my own section of the fridge/in the cupboard where my food went.

In a way, even just watching the people around me eating nice foods would be satisfying and it made me feel as though I didnt need to ea myself. I could spen hours and hours in a supermarket, walking up every single isle many times and inspecting every product. I knew the nutritional information of many foods and had an inbuilt calorie counter in my brain.

I would spend hours and hours on my calorie counting app, planning future meals and I would also search for new foods that I could buy that would fit into my extremely restrictive diet easly. while all of my family wwere worried about me, they all knew that they could not mention my food intake to me at all without world war three breaking out. i was very deffensive about what I was eating as my anorexiaa really had tricked me into thinking I was eating enough.

My mum would yell and scream at me if I ever mentioned food but since this was really all that I thought about from day to day, I really didn't have anything else to talk about. obsessing over food all day everyday really was hell for me and I am so glad that I do not do this anymore. I really do believe that we should eat so that we can live. we definetely should not live so that we can eat.

There are so many wonderful things in life to enjoy however we miss out on all of those things while we are sick and obsessing over food and calories. Life really is a gift and we shouldn't waste it being sick with an eating disorder. Please, keep fighting for recovery and live the woderful life you truly deserve.

5 positives from my day

It can be so easy to focus far too much on the negative things in life and forget about all the wonderful and positive things that happen. Since starting this challenge I have recognised that each day really does have many positives as well as a few negatives. But by focusing on the poitives, this really does help us to stay happy and healthy. Today, my 5 poitives were;

1. It wasnt as cold of this morning as it has been so there was no frost and the air was not as icy when I walked Tess.

2. I felt totally energized and had plenty of time so took Tess for a nice walk around the point this morning. The ocean looked calm and gorgeous!

3. The other women I work with at the bank was in a good mood today so we had a fun day. We had lots lots of laughs and got along well which was really nice.

4. I had one of my favourite chocolate bars for afternoon tea today, It was a raspberry Lemonade Marvelous Creations Chocolate Bar and I really enjoyed it.

5. I realised today just how much less obsessed with food I now am and I know that this is only because I am no longer denying myself of the food my body needs.

Obsessive compulsive chewing

Something that I even did before I ever got sick, but has definetely got worse since developing anorexia, is the obsessive way I chew food. I always make sure I eat the exact same amount of food on the left side of my mouth, as I do the right side. For example while eating grapes, I pick out two grapes that are exactely the same size and eat one on the left and then one on the right side of my mouth. If I am left with 1 grape, I will bite it in half and chew half of it on either side of my mouth. I really dont know why I do this but I just feel as though I need to balance things out, so that things can be perfectly even. Perhaps this habit of mine actually has more to do with the fact that I am a perfectionist, rather then my actual anorexia.


I know that it is common for anorexics to develop weird habits whilst they eat but what I think is strange is the fact that I have done this with some foods for as long as I can remember. I have always done it whilst eating rice crackers or chips as well as pieces of breakfast cereal. However it is only since I got sick that I have started doing it with practically every food I eat.




Also, even now I still love eating all food with little forks and teaspoons which is a common anorexic behaviour however I have always done this ever since I was a child, long before I ever got anorexia. I would be really interested to know whether or not any other people suffering from anorexia have the same chewing habit as me or even one similar. Sometimes I wish I could just eat without thinking about it but I have been doing it for so long now that i do it even without thinking about it. Does anyone else have any tips about how to overcome behaviours like these? Do you think it is necessary to try and over come habits like these?

Counting Macros

An old anorexic behaviour of mine that I once obsessivelely did was counting macro-nutrients. I became obsessed with counting macro nutrients when I was in my half recovered state and made sure I ate the exact same number of macronutrients each day. It could take hours for me to make a combination of foods that fitted perfectly into my macro nutrient goal and I found myslf eatng things that I didn't even enjoy, just so that I could eat the 'correct' amounts of fats, protein and carbs eacch day.

Each day I would try to eat 75g of protein, 305g of carbohydrates and 42g of fat. I know that lots of anorexics are quite scared of carbs but I never really was. My main issue was just with fat. I rememeber going through a stage when I thought that eating 10g of fat was far too much and that I tried to limit my intake to around 5g of fat per day. It was very hard for me to increase this to 42g but I knew that 42g was still really too low.While cooking wth oil is something I still need to get more comfortable with, eating foods high in fat really does not bother me anymore at all.

While I still see how much energy things contain while grocery shopping (as I really need to see if the food item will fit into my meal plan or not), I honestly never look at the fat content anymore. The other day when I was about to have an icecream, I caught glimpse of the fat content when I pulled the icecream out of the packet and I was surprised to see that the single icecream contained more then 20g of fat. Once I would not have even been able to even consider eating something so high in fat but I can honestly say that I did not even think twise about eating it, as I seriously did not care one little bit abut how many grams of fat it contained.

If I was having a sandwich for lunch when I counted macronutients, what I put in it would not be determined by what I felt like, but instead by what macronutrients I needed to increase/decrease for that day. If I needed to eat more fat, I would put in something like peanut butter or cream cheese. f I needed more carbs I would have jam or honey and if I needed more protein I would have ham or cheese. Looking back I am soo glad that I no longer do this aa now I can just eat exactly what I feel like.

I honestly have no idea how many of each macronutrient I eat each day and I honestly don't really care. I don't really think it matters what form I am giving my body the energy in. What I think matters is that I am giving my body the energy it needs by eating both foods that are healthy and also foods that I enjoy. The only macronutrient I Sometimes need to make a conscious effort to eat is protein as this is the macronutrient that I probably eat the least of. I get most of my protein through dairy products like milk, cheese, yoghurt and icecream but I know my teas are often lacking in protein. This is why I try and have meat and vegetables at least every few nights.

If you obsessively count macronutrients like I did, I highly suggest you try and stop as it is one of the best things I have ever done. Wasting so much time each day to try and come up with a combination of foods that wll allow you to hit your maconutrient targets is just crazy and I am sure you have so many other ways you could better spend that time.  At the end of the day, as long as your diet is reasonabely balanced, all that truly matters is that you are giving your body the energy it needs in order to recover. Remember that your body is smart enough to use the energy you give it, no matter what form it may be in.

Day 19: What is the hardest thing you had to give up because of your disorder?

For me, this would definetely have to be studying. For my whole life studying has been the thing that my life revolved around. I have always done really well academically which I honestly think is mainly due to nothing other then how hard I have always worked. In saying this, I now relise that the way I have always studied was very unhealthy as I put far to much pressure on myself to perform excellently all the time. I honestly think that I was just as obsessive about my school work as I have now become about my weight, calories and food. My obsessive thoughts just moved from one thing to another.

After working hard all through high school and college, I was unable to attend my final term if year 12 as I was in hospital because of my anorexia. I did not sit my final examinations but luckily I was still able to get my college certificate since it I was only unable to sit my exams bedcause of medical reasons. Studying and doing well at school was always what I put first but my anorexia changed that. Suddenly there was something that meant even more to me than getting good grades, and that was losing weight.

I feel as though I have had to give up on so many academic opportunities because of my anorexia and also my anxiety. I turned down an offer from university to study veterinary science (one of the hardest university courses to get into in Australia) because I had only just got out If hospital and id not feel well enough to move off to a new state of Australia by myself. I have also turned down a wonderful scholarship that were worth a lot of money that I recieved whilst I was studying a bachelour of biitechnology and medical research as I was so unhappy due to my anxiety and anorexia.

You can read an old post here about why I felt as though I couldnt keep studying. I still think I made the right choice to stop studying. It was really hard for me to do but I know I couldnt keep living the way I was.

Obsessed with food

Whenever I was starving myself or restricting my food intake I found it almost impossible to think about anything else other than food. I would spend my days sitting around waiting until it was time for my next meal (if i was eating anything at all at that stage). I think that many people presume that anorexics dont like food but this is certainly not the case, well as least for me anyway. It is important to note however that I only loved food while I was in control of it. While I was in hospital I hated everything that I ate as I wasn't controlling my intake at all.


I loved cooking or baking for other people around me but always refused to eat what I made myself. I also strangely enjoyed watching other people eat. I felt as though just watching others eat satisfied my own hunger, as if I was the one actually eating it. I would try and eat my meals as slowly as I possibly could so that I could enjoy them for longer and I insisted on eating all my food with tiny teaspoons or childrens cutlery so that I could savour the food for longer. I didn't only spend alot of time eating my meals but also preparing them. I had many rituals I felt as though I had to follow while preparing food and eating it.

I started watching cooking and food television shows all the time, my favourites being masterchef and man vs food. I also enjoyed shows like the biggest loser, supersized vs super skinny and secret eaters. The second I finished one meal I would start to think about the next. My poor body wanted food so badly but I continued to ignore what it was telling me. I still felt hungry all the time, I just learnt to ignore my hunger. It made me feel strong and powerful when I didn't give in to my hunger.

This is a part of Harriet Browns book brave girl eating that i think sums up how anorexia makes you feel perfectly.

Imagine that you’re standing in a bakery. Not just any bakery—the best bakery in Paris, its windows fogged, crowded with people who jostle for space in front of its long glass cases. The room is fragrant and you can’t take your eyes off the rows of cinnamon rolls and croissants, iced petits fours, flaky napoleons and elephant ears.
And you’re hungry. In fact, you’re starving. Hunger is a tornado whirling in your chest, a bottomless vortex at your core. Hunger is a tiger sharpening its claws on your tender insides. You stand in front of the glass cases, trying to swallow, but your throat is dry and your stomach clenches and contracts.
You want more than anything to lick the side of an éclair, swirl the custard and chocolate against your tongue. You dream about biting off the end of a cruller, feeling the give of the spongy dough, the brief molecular friction of the glaze against your teeth, flooding your mouth with sweetness. The woman beside you reaches into a white paper bag, pulls out a hunk of sourdough roll. You see the little puff of steam that flares from its soft center. You breathe in the warm yeasty smell it gives off. She pops it into her mouth and chews and you chew along with her. You can almost taste the bread she’s eating. Almost.
But you can’t, not really, because how long has it been since you’ve tasted bread? A month? A year? An eternity. And though your stomach grinds against your backbone and your cheeks are hollow, though the tiger flays your belly, you can’t eat. You want to, you have to, but your fear is greater than your hunger. Because when you do—when you choke down a spoonful of plain yogurt, five pretzel sticks, a grape—that’s when the voice in your head starts up, a whisper, a cajoling sigh: You don’t need to eat, you’re strong, so strong. That’s right. Good girl.
Soon the whisper is a hiss filling the center of your head: You don’t deserve to eat. You’re weak, unworthy. You are disgusting. You don’t deserve to live. You, you, you. The voice is a drumbeat, a howl, a knife sunk in your gut, twisting. It knows what you’re thinking. It knows everything you do. It has always been inside you and it always will be. The more you try to block it out, the louder it becomes, until it’s screaming in your ear: You’re fat. You’re a fat pig. You make everyone sick. No one loves you and no one ever will. You don’t deserve to be loved. You’ve sinned and now you must be punished.
So you don’t eat, though food is all you think about. Though all day long, wherever you are—doing homework, sitting with friends, trying to sleep—part of you is standing in the bakery, mesmerized with hunger and with fear, the voice growling and rumbling. You have to stand there, your insides in shreds, empty of everything but your own longing. There will be no bread for you, no warm, buttery pastries. There’s only the pitiless voice inside your head, high-pitched, insistent, insidious. There’s only you, more alone than you’ve ever been. You, growing smaller and frailer. You, with nowhere else to go.
The voice is part of you now, your friend and your tormentor. You can’t fight it and you don’t want to. You’re not so strong, after all. You can’t take it and you can’t get away. You don’t deserve to live. You want to die.
This is what it feels like to have anorexia.

Since starting to eat so much more I no longer spend my days thinking and obsessing over food but I think I do like food more than normal people. My meal times are usually my favourite times of the day and eating yummy foods makes me happier then anything else. I suppose it is natural for me to like food as much as I do since I denied myself of it for so long. Its kind of like the saying, you don't know what you have got until its gone. I didnt know how much I liked food until I stopped eating it and the more I denied myself of it, the more I wanted it.



Feel free to share your own experience of how you felt about food while restricting. Do you feel like having anorexia made you hate food or love food even more?

My biggest obsession

For the last few years, my life has has revolved around various obsessive behaviours and compulsions, but the worst of these for me has been calorie counting. When I say I counted calories, I mean I took it to a whole knew extreme. Every piece of food I placed in my mouth had to be weighed so I could calculate the exact number of calories it contained and if the exact number of calories of a food couldnt be calculated, I would refuse to eat it. I would not be satisfied with just reading the nutritional values on packets of food either as I didn't trust them and knew that most portions were actually bigger than stated on the packaging. I also couldn't eat a food like sultanan bran (breakfast cereal) as I would be too anxious about the composition of ingredients that ended up in each serve. For example if the ingredients stated that the cereal was supposed to be 10% sultanas and 90% Bran flakes, I would be worried that there was actually 15% sultanas and only 85% Bran flakes which would slightly alter the calorie content. I obviously don't refuse to eat foods like these anymore and can now see how silly I was being but at the time it absalutely terrified me.

Every food you can think of I would weigh. Even once I stopped starving myself and eating considerable amounts of food I still continued to obsessively count calories. For example to make breakfast I would weigh two slices of bread and then toast them before weighing out the correct portion of spread. To make cereal I would weigh out the cereal, milk, yoghurt, fruit or anything else I may have been putting on top of it. Every piece of fruit and every serving of vegetables needed to be weighed and I would weigh any snacks like muesli bars, biscuits, icecream bars and chocolate. If i ever weighed out a portion prior to a meal time I would always re-weigh it just before eating it in case I had made a mistake and I would still feel anxiety while eating it as I would be paranoid I had missread the scale somehow. At one point I was not only obsessed with ensuring I had the perfect amount of calories each day but also that my macro balance was what I considered to be perfect too. Each day I made myself eat 35g of fat, 310g of carbohydrates and 70g of protein. It was actually very time consuming to plan my following days food as I would have to search for a foods that would fit into my macronutrient and calorie goal. For example if I found that I needed to add more fat and protein to my day, I would have fewer vegetables for tea and add an egg instead. Or if my Carb intake was too low, I would have jam in my sandwhich instead of Peanut Butter at lunch. As you can see I never actually got to eat what I felt like and this was an extremely unhealthy way to be. Luckily I have improved enormously since then.

Now I am much less worried about exact calorie counts. While I still keep a basic count of calories to ensure I am eating enough, the weighing of most foods has stopped. For example, I don't weigh each piece of fruit or each slice of bread I eat anymore and I do not weigh snacks like chocolate bars or muffins to make sure I know the exact number of calories they contain. I dont weigh butter or spreads like I used too and feel as though I can use generous amounts of spreads without feeling anxious. I dont weigh the belgium or ham that I put in my sandwhiches anymore and it doesn't really worry me anymore not knowing exactely how many calories I eat each day. As long as I know I am eating enough to allow my body to recover I am happy. I always refused to eat anything that I had not prepared myself as I couldn't be sure of how many calories were in it but now I have the freedom of going out for tea with my family to restaurants and eating food prepared by others. While doing this still makes me a little anxious, I don't feel as though the anxiety is anything I cant overcome.

I am going to be honest and admit to you all that there are still a few foods I weigh and this is because I feel anxious while serving them up and think I would eat too little if I didn't weigh them out.  For example, when I make pasta salad, I weigh the amount of dry pasta I add and I do the same with rice in rice dishes I make. Hopefully one day I wont feel the need to do this at all but I honestly think that if I didn't do this I would end up eating far fewer calories as my anxiety would get the better of me and I would add too little of something. For example if I am putting grated cheese on a pizza I weigh the cheese as otherwise I would feel anxious about the amount I was putting on and not put on enough. I also weigh icecream as I am serving it up for dessert as by weighing it, the anxiety disappears and I am free to dish myself up a more generous and adequate portion that meets my calories needs. As I said I hope that one day in the not so distant future I no longer feel as though I need to weigh any of the food I eat but for now, especially while I am trying so hard to gain weight, I think that it is necessary. What are other peoples views on this? Do you think that what I am doing is wrong or can you understand where I am coming from? What experiences have you all had with weighing food and counting calories?

my late supper tonight (I have had a yoghurt as well since tea)