Saturday, 30 July 2016

Recovery is uncomfortable....

Yes, Recovery is hard and uncomfortable.... But you should do it anyway, I promise its worth it!

Thursday, 28 July 2016

A new 'letter to my anorexia'

Firstly, I am going to repost the first letter I wrote to my anorexia, last year whilst I was still gaining weight and having to fight my anorexia more actively. Then I will write a new letter, which should explain how I feel towards my anorexia now that I am very close to being fully recovered.

Old letter...

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,

New letter...

To my anorexia,

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable. 

Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery. 

When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.

Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am.  Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.

I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.

Yours sincerely, 

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

My new lifestyle

Prior to starting herbalife, I thought I ate relatively healthily. I tried to eat lots of fruit and vegetables and I avoided eating excessive amounts of typically unhealthy foods. After starting to transform my diet, I can see that my old diet was far from healthy and that it lacked protein as well as many essential nutrients.

I was eating as many as 4-5 serves of fruit a day which I tgought was a really healthy thing to be doing. According to the Australian guide to healthy eating however, this meant I was well abd truly exceeding the reccommended intake of 2 serves. I was also eating processed snack foods that contained lots of refined sugar.

Almost all of my diet contained carbohydrates, not because I was scared of foods containing the other macronutrients but because I enjoyed those foods. Only eats carbs however left me feeling tired all the time and I never seemed to feel full, even straight after eating a meal.

Now, I have been eating much more protein instead of only carbs and am freeling so much better for it. I am now eating more lean meat, eggs, protein bars, soy milk and yoghurt and have been adding protein powder to my morning oats too. I have also been trying to increase my intake of healthy fats too, although I know I need to keep increasing my fat intake as it is still quite low.

I have started eating more serves of wholegrains instead of as much sugary fruit and this, along with eating so much more protein which has helped me to feel fuller and more energized for longer. Also, eating more protein will hopefully allow me to get stronger and build muscle as I exercise. Hopefully this will help me to be the healthiest and best me that I can possibly be.

I am still loving my herbalife products and have just signed up to be a member. The thing to remember about Herbalife and healthy eating  is that it doesnt have to just be a phase, for me I want it to be a lifestyle that I follow indefinitely. I am so excited for what the future holds and for the first time, full recovery feels totally possible for me.

Monday, 25 July 2016

So little time, so much to do

I really am enjoying being busy at the moment however at times I do feel a little overwhelmed when trying to get everything I want to/ need to do done. I have been up since 6am this morning and I feel as though I haven't stopped since. After drinking my vanilla flavoured herbalife nutritional shake (blended with soy milk, banana, strawberries and cinnamon) I got ready and headed to the gym where I did a 45 minute 'pump' class.

By the time I got back home it was time to make some morning tea so I cooked up two sachets of oats with some soy milk and water. Once it was cooked I also added a TBS of my personalised protein powder to get an extra kick of protein after my work out. As you can probably see I really treat morning tea as a second breakfast as I love oats so much and wven though I have a shake for breakfast now, I still like to eat oats nearly everyday.

I headed to uni and was settled down and studying by 9:30am. Unfortunately the tutorial  recording I had planned to watch was not playing properly so I was unable to get that done but I did work on some other things I needed to do. After about an hour and a half of productive atudying I headed home (only a 5 minute walk away) to make some lunch. I made a delicious chicken, cheese, baby spinach and mayonaise toasted sandwhich which i ate with a cup of chicken noodle soup and a small salted caramel protein bar.

I had to be back at uni for a physical activity and health tutorial by 12 which went for two hours. I am really enjoying the physical activity and health unit and am finding the information teally interesting as I can relatr everything to myself and the way my body works during exercise. After the tutorial I went to the library and worked for another hour or so before having some afternoon tea (a boiled egg, a small packet of savoury biscuits and an apple and heading home once again.

Once I got home, my brother rang me because he needed to chat to someone. Although I really didnt have time to talk, I couldn't not chat to my brother when he needed me so I talked to him for an hour or so and I think I actually made him feel a little better so I am really glad I took the time to talk to him. Then I got my washing in, prepared my tea and did some tidying up as my room was in a bit of a mess. Now I am planning on going for a quick shower before having tea and then heading back to uni to try and watch the lecture I couldn't get working today.

Although it is only Monday, I really want to try and stay on top of my uni workload this week as I have two shifts working at mcdonalds and am also heading to Melbourne this Friday morning so wont be able to get any study done on Friday or over the weekend. I was supposed to be going to my boyfriends place tomorrow night but I really dont think I am going to be able to.

Driving there will take me an hour and a half and I have to work tomorrow so it will mean I have hardly any time to do any studying tomorrow at all. And then I have to drive all the way back Wednesday morning too which will waste more time I  ould be studying. Luckily I saw my boyfriend this morning though and I will see him again Thursday so I am hoping he understands. We will also be spending the whole weekend in Melbourne together so hopefully that will make up for it!

Even though it feels a bit crazy right now with so much going on, I know I can get through the next week. As long as I stay positive, work hard and look after myself by eating lots of nutritious food to keep my energy levels up. I also know that stopping and taking some time to do things I enjoy like going to the gym and relaxing a little are important too, even if only for a little while. As you can see I am busy this week but I will try my best to fit a few posts in before I head off on my trip. I hope you have a fantastic week :)

Friday, 22 July 2016

Remember to rest

Ever since getting a gym membership a few weeks ago, I have really enjoyed being able to exercise regularly, regardless of the weather. I have also really enjoyed doing a wide variety of exercises instead of just walking like I used to do and I can already see my fitness and strength improving. Something incredibely important to remember is to make sure you have rest days, to give your body a break and allow it to repair and recover.

 Something else to remember is that on rest days, you should not feel as though you cant eat as much as you usually would. If you only feel as though you can not or should not eat your regular intake if you are not doing exercise then this is not a healthy mindset to have and perhaps you aren't ready to start exercising again. You should not think of exercise as something you do so that you can eat, you should think of eating as something you do to keep you healthy and that gives your body the fuel it needs so that you can exercise when you want to.

For instance, I have been to the gym the last 4 days in a row and I am choosing to have a rest day today to allow my sore muscles to repair. I have full intention of eating my usual intake today even though I am not exercising. It has taken me a long time to change to this mindset but I am glad to say that my days of compensating for not exercising by eating less are over! I know that my body needs to be fueled properly EVERYDAY and that is exactly what I intend to do!

Although not as much energy will be required by your body for actual physical activity on rest days, if you eat your usual amount this just means that more energy will be available to help your body to repair and recover. It also gives your body a chance to replenish its energy stores which will prepare you for exercise again,  next time you do work out. Rest days also give you a chance to focus on other important aspects of your life, that you may not usually have time. Remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health.

The number of rest days a person takes is an individual choice however I think that people should try to rest atleast one day a week. Personally, I find I need atleast 2 rest days per week as I am still very new to working out and I dont want to rush my body into making progress too quickly. I also want to make sure that I am only exercising for the right reasons and that I am not getting addicted to exercise, as I know that this sometimes does happen post anorexia recovery.

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Always remember....

 *if its healthy for you to do so i.e. if your NOT underweight

Feeling Fantastic and loving 'Herbalife'

Since starting Herbalifes wellness program, I have been overwhelmed by just how fantastic and positive I am feeling. Even though I am about 5 times busier now then I was before, I feel less tired and more full of energy then I used to. Since starting Herbalife, each day I find myself bounding out of bed at 6am ready to start my day. I am not missing my old eating routine one little bit as the foods I eat now are just as yummy, the only difference is that they are less processed and more nutritious.

The most wonderful thing about Herbalife for me by far is the fact that it is helping me to change my mindset in regards to food. For so long I have wanted nothing more then to change my realtionship with food so that I no longer feel the need to count calories and so that I start seeing food for all that it really is, which  is fuel for my body. Although I know that changing my old unhealthy mindset will take time as it is so well engrained into me, however I can feel it slowly changing and that gives me so much hope for the future.

I just feel so bubbly and happy right now and I think it is because I have such a wonderfully balanced life at the moment, which is something I have always really struggled to achieve in the past. I am studying at uni and meeting new friends as well as socialising with old ones, I am regularly going to the gym, I am spending heaps of time with my wonderful boyfriend, I am working a few shifts a week at mcdonalds (I'm glad im not working too much though as I dont think I would have enough time) and I am taking the time to cook and enjoy lovely nutricious foods to keep me fueled so that I can achieve all of this.

Would I reccommend something like Herbalife for everyone in recovery from an eating disorder?... Definetely not! I think it is the kind of thing that definetely has the potential to help in the very last stages of recovery however going on a program like this could do much more damage then harm if someone was to go onto it too early or before they were ready for it. So my advice would be to work away at recovery yourself (or with your treatment team) until you are weight restored and relatively healthy and then if you wanted to try something like Herbalife to help you make that final step to having a totally healthy relationship with food, then go for it. Maybe you will find it as helpful as I am! :)

Getting home from the gym today

Yesterdays lunch: wholemeal noodles with vegetables and 1 tin of tuna on crispbread

Todays lunch: Chicken and sweet potato curry with rice and mixed vegetables and a mug of herbalife peach tea

Monday, 18 July 2016

Today's visual food diary

BREAKFAST: Herbalife shake made with 3 scoops of vanilla nutritional mix, 1 scoop of personalized protein powder, 1 cup if almond milk, 1 banana, 7 strawberries, cinnamon and sweetner

MORNING TEA: 1 sachet of berry oats, 1diced apple and 150ml of almond milk, 1scoop of protein powder and cinnamon

LUNCH: Pasta salad (80g of pasta shells, 5 slices of diced ham, 1 boiled egg, capsicum, 2 tbs of  fat free mayo) served on a bed of baby spinach with a cup of hot peach herbalife tea

AFTERNOON TEA: 1 banana and 1 large protein bar

TEA: Vegetable Lasagna with lightly salted vegetables (carrot, broccoli, peas and sweet potato)

DESSERT: 1 red berry layered Danone Greek Ultimate Yoghurt with a large pear

An incredible weekend

It's currently Monday morning and my gorgeous boyfriend has just headed of to work after us having a wonderful weekend away together. We drove down to Swansea late Friday after Nathan finished work and I finished university. We stopped on the way to get some Subway for tea which was yummy as always. Nathan wasn't feeling so hungry so only got a small 6 inch sub however I couldn't resist indulging in a large footlong sub.

We arrived at my parents place at about 8 pm and it was really nice to catch up with everyone. Both of my brothers and my sister were home as well as my parents which was nice. We were planning on having a sleep in on Saturday morning however we both woke up early so just got up and started our day. We just hung out with family until lunch time and then we headed into Swansea to watch the football. Both of my brothers play for our local football club as well as many of my cousins and friends so Nathan and I always enjoy watching it together.

After the football we headed into the club rooms to have a few drinks with everyone before we went to the pub for some tea. I had a delicious lasagna with salad and I ate it all and enjoyed every bite! We could only stay for a short while at the pub as we were heading to the annual football club ball. We walked to my nans house to get changed into our good clothes and get ready. It only took me about 15 minutes to get ready as I really am not the sort of person who spends hours and hours getting ready to go out but I was still happy with how I looked and was looking forward to the night.

We had a truly amazing time at the ball with some incredible people and it was definetely a night to remember. Admittedly I probably drank too much but I really enjoyed myself which is the most important thing. My favourite part of the night was definetely dancing with Nathan as well as my brothers and friends. I have always been the type of person who was far too self conscious to dance however I have no trouble getting up on the dance floor after a couple of drinks and really enjoy it! We went home at about 12:30 when the ball ended and just went to bed.

The next day I was feeling fine as fortunately I dont really get hangovers however poor Nathan wasn't so lucky. Unfortunately Nathan gets very sick after drinking alcohol so we just had a very quiet morning. It was my mums birthday so it was lovely to be there too see her in person and give her a present which she loved. We all went out for lunch to celebrate mums birthday before Nathan and I headed home. Luckily Nathan felt well enough to eat a little lunch and he continued to feel better through out the afternoon which I was glad about as I hate seeing him feeling so unwell.

Surprisingly, I wasnt sad at all about leaving my family in Swansea again, even though I dont know when I will see them again. I am so happy living in Launceston with Nathan and wouldn't change anything about my life. No one has ever made me as happy as Nathan does and the love I feel towards him is something I have never experienced before, even with family. I am loving my university units so far and am enjoying studing again and having more routine in my day.

I love feeling so full of energy and well now that I am doing Herbalife and eating more nutritious foods (although admittedly I did neglect this over the weekend). I have full intentions of resuming my new eating this week though as well as going to the gym when I can. ( I might evenpost a food diary atthe end oftheday today so you get an idea of what types of foods I am fuelling my body with.

I hope everyone else had a great weekend and you are all pumped and ready for the week ahead! :) x

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Today's intake

Morning shake (6:00am)
2 scoops of french vanilla nutritional shake mix, 1 scoop of personalied protein powder, 250mL of almond milk, 1 banana, 3 strawberries

Morning snack: (9:00am)
Cup of herbalife peach tea and
1 portion of uncle toby's oats prepared with 150mL almond milk and mixed with 1 apple and cinnomon

Lunch (12:00)
Salt and pepper calamari with brown rice and quinoa and mixed vegetables

Afternoon tea (3:00pm)
1 tub of diced peaches, 1 protein bar and 1 boiled egg

Tea (6:00pm)
Beef and vegetable soup and 3 slices of buttered toast

Supper (8:00pm)
1 yoghurt and 2 kiwi fruits

Are you getting enough protein

But despite our preoccupation with protein, some of us are still slipping through the cracks—namely vegetarians or people who tend to under-eat, says Blatner. Problem is, it can be tricky to identify what's considered "not enough" since the recommended intake of protein is a broad range, rather than one hard number.

Afraid you're short-changing your system? Forget crunching numbers—just look for these signs that your body is begging for protein:

You Crave Sweets
One of the first signs you're low on protein: You start craving sweets and feel like you're never quite full, says Blatner. You'd think a protein shortage would trigger an urge for steak and eggs, right? But one of protein's most critical functions is keeping your blood sugar steady—which means if you're lacking, your glucose levels will be all over the place, encouraging you to reach for a quick fix like lollies. "If all you ate in the morning was a handful of cereal, you're going to get energy right away, then your energy is going to wane," she says. "That up-and-down is where cravings come in."

Your Brain Feels Foggy
Balanced blood sugar is essential for staying focused. So when you're protein-deprived and your glucose levels are fluctuating constantly, Blatner says you may feel a little foggy—like you can't quite get with the program at work, for example. Why? Because you don't have a steady stream of carbs to fuel your brain. Protein at meals helps time-release the carbs for steady energy rather than up and down spikes. If you're relying only on "fleeting foods," such as crackers or bread, you'll only experience short bursts of mental energy, followed by the fog. 

Your Hair is Falling Out 
Protein is the building block of all of your cells—your hair follicles included. "If your hair follicles are strong, they keep your hair on your head, despite the tugging we do all day and the wind going through your hair," says Blatner. But if you're chronically skimping on the scalp-stabilising nutrient, you may notice that your strands start thinning (although, keep in mind, this can also be a sign of other conditions, like thyroid trouble).

You Feel Weak
We all know that protein is essential for building muscle. And if you don't get enough of it, your muscles may start to shrink over time, says Blatner. As a result, you may feel weak and unable to do the exercises you once excelled at.
You Get Sick Constantly
Your biceps aren't the only thing that protein reinforces. "Protein is needed to build all the compounds in our immune systems," says Blatner. So if you seem to catch colds or infections more often than everyone else—and you're otherwise in good health—a protein deficiency may be to blame. Another sign: You constantly get hangnails. "Our skin is a huge immune organ because it protects us from the environment," says Blatner. If your skin isn't strong due to a shortage of protein, you may start to notice cracks and tears (like hang nails), potentially exposing you to pathogens and leading to infections.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Calorie intake calculators

A very important thing to know is that you CANT always listen to reccommended daily intakes. They are usually not accurate and often underestimate how much energy your body needs. For the point of this exercise I put my details into various calculators which all returned very different results.

 FYI 10272 kilojoules = 2455 calories

As you can see some of the calculators stated I only need to eat about 1900 to maintain my weight. However I have lost weight eating that amount in the past which means it is obviously not enough for me. In saying that, I usually dont eat as much as 2500 calories each day either which is what another calculator suggested.

The point I am trying to make is that everybody is different and no calculator can accurately tell you exactly how many calories you need each day. Also, your body will not use the exact same number of calories each day. Some days you will need more or less energy, which is when listening to your body really becomes important.

If a doctor or dietician tells you how much you should be eating then I highly reccommend that you follow there advice. Ideally you wont count calories at all but if like me you do, please dont listen to these types of online calculators as they really aren't accurate.

You may find that you need to experiment for a while to see how much food your body truly needs by looking at your patterns of weight loss/maintenence/gain and also your energy levels and hunger. :)


Ever since starting my recovery I have really started to learn the importance of looking after your body. While I have done a much better job of this over the past 12 months then I had previously, I have decided that I would like to take that a step further and really start to nourish my body. I am hoping that this will improve my energy levels and get my body functioning optimally so that I can feel happier and healthier.

I have decided to start a Herbalife program which I hope will help me to feel more energetic and which I also hope will help me to fuel my body. Its by no means a weightloss program, but instead a wellness program which I may transition into a muscle building program if I decide to in the future. If you would like to find out more about Herbalife, follow this link. I have decided to start off with a protein plus starter pack as well as a herbal peach tea which is really supposed to help with your energy levels.

I have also joined a gym which I hope will allow me to grow fitter and stronger whilst taking the herbalife products and of course eating lots of good foods too. I am defintely not planning on taking the herbalife products instead of eating, I just plan to incorporate them into my diet. For example I might have a tea with my breakfast, and a shake with my lunch and add the protein powder to things I already eat ie. My morning oats or other snacks.

I have made my consultant aware of my history of anorexia and she is really excited for me as she believes Herbalife will really help me. She too was once really underweight and Herbalife has really helped her to transform her body and life. She asked me to write 20 goals and also do some before shots so that we can use them to see any progress I make. Here they are :)

1. Increase my confidence
2. Learn to eat more intuitively 
3. Cut back on sugary processed foods 
4. give my body the nutritious food it deserves
5. Get stronger
6. Gain some weight (in the form of muscle)
7. Become more energized 
8. Tone my muscles
9. Get fitter
10. Do a fun run for charity
11. Have a well balanced life 
12. Develop a healthier relationship with food
13. Stop counting calories
14. Learn to listen to my body
15. let myself rest when I need to
16. Develop a more positive body image
17. Prove to other sufferers that full recovery from anorexia is possible 
18. Increase my positivity and enthusiasm 
19. Run 10 kilometers
20. Visit the gym regularly  (atleast 3-5 times a week)

Friday, 1 July 2016

Excited for the weekend

Although I currently have a cold and cough, I am still in an excellent mood as I am travelling back to Swansea this weekend with my gorgeous boyfriend. We are staying at my parents place and all of my sinlings will be home so it will we wonderful to catch up with everyone!  

Despite being sick, I am smiley and happy!

I am just waiting for my boyfriend to finish work and then we have a couple of things to do here in Launceston before we make the 90 minute drive back to the coast where I was living up until 3 months ago.

Before we go we have to vote as the parliamentary election is being held over the weekend accross Australia and we also need to collect some dominos pizzas which we will take home to share with my family for tea.

Once I would have cooked something else to eat if my family were having pizza as I was simply terrified of something like takeaway pizza and wouldn't have been able to eat it. It feels so wonderful to be able to share food like this with my family now and i know it makes them all happy to see me eating what everyone else eats too!

We dont have much planned for our weekend in Swansea besides going and watching the football and hopefully catching up with all our friends in Swansea who we havent seen for ages. It will also be nice to catch up with my other family members including my grandparents, aunties and uncles and cousins.

We will most likely go out for tea tomorrow night and go to the pub for a few drinks as this is what we typically do on a Saturday night in Swansea. Other than that I will just enjoy a nice relaxing time with all the people who mean the most to me in my life.

It will be so good to see my beautiful girl Tess

My boyfriend and my sister