Accepting weight gain in recovery

I think that one of the most difficult and triggering things about recovery from anorexia can be seeing your weight increase, both on the scale and as your body gets bigger too. I guess the reson it is so hard is that anorexics practically dedicate their lives to preventing weight gain and just because they make a committment to recovery, does not mean this fear or pattern of thinking that is so deeply instilled in them instantly goes away.

There is no way of avoiding it, the fact of the matter is if you want to make a full recovery from anorexia, you will need to get to a healthy weight. Telling yourself anything different will mean you are only setting yourself up for failure and more pain in the future. Your body and mind simply wont work properly whilst you are underweight and you will therefore never be able to get rid of your anorexic thoughts all together or make a full physical recovery either.

Whilst I was gaining weight, I remember feeling a mixture of emotions everytime I stood on the scale. If I had failed to gain any weight, the part of me that wanted to recover woukd be dissapointed but at the same time, the anorexic part of me would be overjoyed. Getting these types of anorexic thoughts at stsges throughout your recovery are completely normal and nothing you should be ashaimed of. Alk that matters is that you do not change your behaviors based on these thoughts. Accept that they are there but chose to ignore them.

Similarily, everytime I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained weight the part of me that was dedicated to recovery was glad but the anorexic part of me was furious. I believe thst in order to stay on track in recovery as you experience weight gain, is that you need to want recovery, more than anything else in the world. Before I began my 'true' recovery, I reached a point whereby I was completely fed up and miserable with my anorexic life. I started wanting a recovered life, more than anything wlse in the world. It was only then that I was able to find the strength I needed to fight my anorexia and make actual recovery progress.

An important thing lto remember is that as you continue gaining weight, it does get easier. So dont think that the anxiety and pain you experience the first time you realise you have gained weight will persist through your entire weight restoration phase of recovery. I think a big part of the reason that it gets easier is because as your weight increases, your brain chemistry normalises too. This means that your thinking becomes more rational and some of your biggest fears like gaining will therefore lose some of their significsnce. 

I am a huge believer that the only way to overcome a fear is to face it, so by gaining weight and doing the exact thing you fear, it will slowly become less scary. No matter how hard it may seem you just need to remind yourself of how much you want recovery and the fact that you will not recover if you dont gain weight. The reason I was able to push through the fear and anxiety if weight gain is that I wanted recovery so badly, more than anything else in the world. 

Getting anorexic thoughts more often

I am still feeling much better and no longer consider myself to be 'suffering' from an eating disorder anymore, however I admit I still do get anorexic thoughts sometimes. Lately, I feel as though I have been getting more and more of these anorexic thoughts regarding eating and exercise and the only explanation I can think of is that it is due to the few kilos I have accidentally lost over the last month or so.

I really didnt mean to lose this weight however it just seemed to happen as my eating routine was changed quite a bit when I moved  to Launceston. I also wasnt keeping a check on my weight as I was before I moved so had no idea I was actually losing weight. I suppose that this just goes to show how sensitive my body still is to change and that I really do need to make an extra special effort to ensure that I am giving my body the energy it needs.

Obviously my weight has fallen slightly below my healthy natural set point weight, which has caused me to have more unhealthy thoughts. Most likely due to my brain chemistry not being as stable as it was when I was a few kilos heavier. The types of thoughts I have been having have not been about wanting to lose weight or be smaller than I already am. They have more been about being frightened I am eating too much or not exercising enough, which will lead to weight gain.

I have been trying my best to challenge these thoughts and am trying to do the opposite of what they tell me to do but it is proving to be quite difficult. I know in my heart that I need to change something, as otherwise I can see things spiralling out of control and I really dont want to risk having a relapse. I know that I really am yhe luckiest girl in the world to have found my wonderful boyfriend and I love my life so much, I really dont want anything to ruin that.

So I think that my best option is to try and regain the weight I have recently lost. This will hopefully get me back to my healthy set point (the weight where I am able to think most rationally and healthily). This will also mean that I will be doing exactly what my anorexic thoughts arent telling me to do, which I know from experience will make me stronger again and my anorexia weaker again. I dont expect this is going to be easy however I have done it once, so I know I can do it again! I am strong enough to do this!

Afterall, even though gaining weight seems a little scary, I  was perfectly happy with my weight before I lost weight, so there is no reason why I cant be perfectly happy at that weight again.

What I eat now that I am weight restored

Now that I am weight restored (and hVe been for about 6 months ) I eat quite differently to how I once did. Although the example I am going to give is a typical days intake for me, this does vary sometimes quite a lot. Despite the fact that I sometimes eat more or less depending on what im doing or how im feeling, my weight has remained constant over the last 6 months. I have also felt happy, energetic and healthy which are all good indications to me that my body and mind are getting the energy and nutrients from food they need.

Breakfast: 4 weet bix biscuits with 150g of regular yoghurt or 2 portions of flavoured oats prepared with light milk.

Morning tea: 1 nut bar and 1 apple or 2 slices of toast topped with 1 mashed banana

Lunch: 1 ham and cheese sandwhich, 1 full fat yoghurt and 1 peach or a Noodle cup, banana and tub of custard

Afternoon tea: tub of fruit and muesli bar or a mini packet of choc chip cookie bites and an apple

Tea: 1 serve of pasta and heaps of vegetables or meat, potato and vegetables

Dessert: bowl of icecream or 2 small treat chocolates and a banana

It is probably important to note that this is the amount of food I have an appetite for when I am busy and active. I generally dont eat quite this much on lazy days, not intentionally but because I simply dont have an appetite for this much food. Other days I end up eating just three bigger meals as that fits in better with my plans for the day or because that is what my boyfriend or friends have.

My thoughts on a Readers comment

You have done and continue to do an amazing job Karly. Pleases remember that although you are at a low end of healthy weight you are still actually very slim and just border line of healthy. There are some thoughts which won't go away until you reach your set point and feed yourself for long enough. You need to ask yourself if you are truly at your set point or if you are sub consciously stopping yourself from going further than you want to. I am so proud of how far you have come and utterly in awe of your fighting spirit. I know that if you do need to keep going with your weight, that deep down you will know what the right thing to do is. xxx

Firstly, I just want to say thank you so much to the person who left this comment. I have taken in everything you have said and I appreciate your honesty so much. :) Your comment has made me think a lot about my current stance in recovery and has made me question whether I am weight restored or not. I thought I would share some of my thoughts on this with everyone as everything always seems much clearer, when I write it out in a post. I would also be very interested to hear some feedback from some of my other readers too. 

The  person who left this comment was so right when they said I am only at the very low end of a healthy weight range. Sometimes I forget this as I am so much bigger then I used to be but I really am still quite thin. Since my bmi is only 19, and anything under 18.5 is classified as underweight, I am basically at a minimally acceptable weight for my height. I guess I have been kidding myself a little though as just because my current weight is 'acceptable,' this does not mean that it is my natural set point weight. 

It's just so hard to know what my natural healthy setpoint weight is. Genetically, I am not supposed to be a very big person. In fact, both my brother and dad are underweight and my mum is very thin also. In saying this, I know I shouldn't use this as excuse if it just means that I am sub consciously stopping myself from reaching my set point weight. Afterall, if I am stopping myself from reaching my natural healthy set point weight, then I am only hurting myself and my recovery.

I am still eating 2500 calories per day, which is classified as recovery amounts of food for some. I figured  that if I was still not yet at my healthy set point, I would continue to slowly gain whilst eating this amount and that if I was already weight  restored, I would maintain my weight at this intake. I know I  shouldnt just assume that I am weight restored because I am no longer gaining weight though. Afterall I am very active and do a lot of walking which could prevent me from gaining weight, even if my body still needs too.

Sub consciously, I guess  I could be stopping myself from gaining weight because the truth is, I like my body the way it currently is and dont want it to change. Yes, it may be my anorexia making me so frightened of gaining weight but I remember back to how unhappy I was with my body before I developed anorexia and I am terrified of ever feeling that way again. I am currently able to accept my body the way it is and this really is the most wonderful feeling for me.

I hope that I am not making any of my readers dissappoointed when I say that at this stage I do not plan on making any big changes to try and gain weight as I honestly dont know if I actually need to or not. The reader who made this comment bought up an incredibly important point when they said that certain thoughts would not go away until I was at my natural set point weight. I can still feel myself getting stronger and making recovery progress all the time at this stage but if ever a day comes that I stop making recovery progress and I still have anorexic thoughts, I know that I will then need to gain more weight in order to get rid of them.

 

My honest opinion on 'gaining weight slowly'

I have heard so many people who are trying to recover from anorexia say that they want to gain weight, but they want to do it really slowly and are terrified off gaining weight too fast. I can completely see where everyone is coming from who says this as I too had these exact same feelings and thoughts. For years I had this type of attitude and therefore did not eat proper recovery amounts and made almost no recovery progress at all.

I know that if you are currently experiencing these thoughts, this is probbably the last thing you want to hear but I feel as though I need to be really honest with you. You need to understand that while you are so terrified of gaining weight 'too fast' you are still just being controlled by your anorexic thoughts. I honestly cant reccommend anything other then eating proper recovery amounts as otherwise you will not be providing yourself with enough energy to properly repair.

In my experience, I really dont think it is possible to 'gain weight slowly' and make a full recovery. When Iwas trying to 'recover' at first whilst eating lower amounts, I only gained a kilogram or two in 18 months. Now I look at that time as wasted years of my life as duriin that time my life still revolved completely around my anorexia. The only regret Ihave from myy recovery is that I didn't do it sooner so that Icould have been enjoying my liffe like I currently am, all those years ago.

Try to think about it this way. If you are serious about recovery, you would know that eventually you will have to be a healthy weight. So why spend years getting to a healthy weight when you could do it in a few months. I actually found it so much easier gaining weight fast as it seemed to happen before I really even realised that it was happening. It was like one day I was extremely skinny and the next I was healthy. And because I was gaining as much as 100g per day, the shock of getting on the scale and seeing I had gained weight soon dimished.

So you can try to gain weight really slowly but I hoestly dont think that this is a good choice and I am not even convinced that it is possible. As while you are too scared to eat proper recovery amounts you are actively still listening to your anorexia and therefore giving it strength and power. It is only when you start fighting your anorexia at ever chance you get that recovery really becomes possible.

Making recovery choices

As I said in my post this morning, I am starting to feel self conscious at times because of my weight gain and I have felt as though I need to start eating less. Today I decided, with the help of some of my readers, that it is probably not a good idea for me to cut my intake back yet as I know that I still have not reached my natural set point weight and my bmi is only just within the 'healthy range'. Instead I have decided to stop restricting my exercise and to just try and have a normal relationship with exercise.

I am hoping that if I no longer restrict my exercise, I will start to rebuild some of the muscle I lost because of my anorexia and this will get me closer to reaching my set point weight. I will most likely continue to gain some weight from what I am eating regardless of the fact that I will be exercising more sometimes because I am still eating the same large recovery amount. Somedays I still wont get a chance to exercise more then I currrently am anyway as I simply dont have the time but this just means that I can go for runs or longer walks sometimes, if I ever feel like it.

Since exercise is still a bit of an issue for me, I realise that I still need to have some exercise free days and other days when I dont exercise as much because I do not want to get addicted to exercise or feel as though exercise is a way for me to compensate for eating. I only want to exercise because it makes me happy and becaus I want to be fit and healthy. If I ever feel as though I am exercising for the wrong reasons, I will try my hardest to stop myself from exercising as I do not want to give into my anorexia. I want to fight it, every chance I get.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what I had decided to do. Thanks to everyone who helped me to make this decision. I really value the opinions of all of my readers and you all give me the strength I need to keep fighting every single day. There have been various occasions throughout my recovery so far that I know I would have given into my anorexia if I didnt have my blog and all of the beautiful people who read my blog belieing in me. So thanks again everyone <3 xx

How much more weight should I gain?

I am starting to feel as though I do not want to gain anymore weight. I know that these are just anorexic thoughts but it has made me think about when I can stop trying so hard to gain weight. I would love to be able to just stop gaining weight now, now that my bmi falls within the healthy range and I am feeling so fantastic but I don't now if I should or not.

Perhaps I should just keep eating the same amount but stop restricting my exercise too so that I can build up some muscle. I lost a lot of muscle because of my anorexia and need to regain it. I know that this will make me gain some more weight also will which possibly get me to my natural set point. Afterall I know that to have a completely healthy body I need to have muscle AND fat on my body.

It is so hard to know what my ideal body weight is for me. My GP thinks that naturally my body weight is not that high, as both my parents are thin and I have always been relatively thin throughout my life too. In fact I have already reached the goal weight that she set for me.

Also, my bones no longer sick out terribely like they once did. Parts of my body like my arms still look quite thin however I think that this is mainly just due to losing all of the muscle in them. Once I rebuild the muscle I think they will look much healthier and be much closer to what they looked like at my pre anorexia weight. Otherwise, if I continue just gaining fat until I reach my ideal weight, I will overshoot my ideal weight once I start gaining muscle.

Most of the weight I have gained has gone to my thighs, chest and bum which were always the areas of my body that I was most self conscious about before I got sick which tells me that this is the figure I am naturally supposed to have. Obviously I am naturally supposed to have an hour glass figure so need to just keep working on accepting my body this way.

Please, if you have any advice for me at the moment I would really appreciate it. :)

These are some photos of me at a healthy weight before I got anorexia.

Weigh in Wednesday

I cant believe another 4 days has already passed since I last weighed myself. I am very happy to report to you all that I have managed to gain another 500g in the last 4 days. The fact that I am gaining weight at a much faster rate now does scare me ALOT but I know that the sooner I am weight restored, the sooner I can start working on the rest of my recovery as well.


When I first started to really try and gain weight my weight was not increasing by a significant enough amount between each weigh in and if I had continued to gain weight at such a slow rate, it would have taken me far too long to become weight restored. Now however I am getting closer and closer to reaching a healthy weight every single day. Obviously the reason I am now gaining weight at a faster rate is because I am eating more and also exercising less.

I am starting to notice visible differences in my body which obviously makes me uncomfIrtable but I am not allowing this to effect what I eat. My jeans are getting tighter and my anorexia is giving me a difficult time but I know that I need to gain more weight in order to recover. Negotiating with my anorexia simply is not an option as this will only prevent me from recovering.

Last night, for the first time I was extremely tempted to skip my bedtime hot chocolate. I was still really full from the chocolate self saucing pudding and icecream I had eaten only an hour earlier and didnt feel like anything else sweet at all. My anorexia told me that I had already eaten plenty for the day, especially coonsidering the fact that my exercise time has been cut in half. But I made sure I stuck to my meal plan. No matter how scared I get as my weight continues to increase I have made a promise to myself that I will not cut my meal plan down at all until i have reached a healthy weight. No matter how awful I feel, I will keep eating what I currently am now.

I have gained almost 3 kg in the past month which is quite scary but it hasnt had as much of an effect on me as I thought it would have. Sure my anorexia is angry and I feel anxious about it but so far it hasnt felt like anything I havent been able to handle. I think that this is because my mind is starting to repair as I am gaining weight. This has allowed me to accept the weight gain better then I would have once been able to do. I really can feel my non anorexic thoughts getting stronger and clearer each day and my anorexic thoughts getting weaker.

I know it can seem really scary but I highly recommend trying to gain weight at a faster rate if you are only increasing very slowly. I know it can feel much 'safer' to gain weight as slowly as possible but ultimately all this does is draw out weight restoration so that you have to battle through it for longer. I know it is different for everone but I felt just as anxious whilst I was gaining half a kilo per week as I do now that I am gaining a kilo per week, so it is obviously better for me to be gaining at a faster rate. Give it a go, you may find that you dont cope at all and that you need to slow your weight gain down a little, or you could cope better than you thought you would, like I did. Either way its worth a try. Stay strong and keep fighting. :) x

recovery= more than just gaining weight

After writing two posts yesterday which were both to do with the weight related aspects of recovery, I wanted to write a post highlighting the fact that recovery is about more than just gaining weight. Since anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects, whether a person is recovered should  be determined by what is happening in a persons mind, rather than just how they appear on the outside.


Considering Anorexia is a mental illness, I think that there has been far too much focus on weight when determining whether a person is suffering/recovered from anorexia in the past. One of the diagnostic criteria for anorexia was once that the patient needed to have a bmi under a certain range- I think it was 17.5. Now however this is not considered as an important diagnistic criteria as a patient could be having anorexic thoughts and behaviours while at a slightly higher bmi than 17.5.

If you think about it, it is ridiculous to say that out of two girls with the exact same mindset, the girl with a bmi of 17.6 is not anorexic while the girl with a bmi of 17.4 is anorexic. For example  I was struggling with anorexic thoughts for the 6 months leading up to becoming underweight. While I was initially unable to lose the weight, my mind and behaviors were still really unhealthy.

An anorexic patient should never be declared recovered until a full psychological examination is performed on the patient as well as a physical exam.

When I left hospital I was weight restored and no one would have ever guessed I had anorexia but my mind was still as anorexic as ever. I was not recovered, in fact my anorexia was every bit as bad the day I left hospital as it was the day I went to hospital. It is completely normal for people to experience weight restoration and physical recovery before they recover mentally. The reasons why this is the case are explained in the following information, sourced from here.

There is one finding about anorexia which seems to me more crucial to treating it successfully than anything else.  It is a counterintuitive insight, but one that seems – like all the best facts – completely obvious when once one knows it.  It is this: that for the anorexic, gaining weight is the prerequisite for mental recovery, rather than vice versa.  Put another way: you can’t make an anorexic want to put on weight until he or she has begun to do so.  Put yet another way: the mind may make the body sick, but only the body can help the mind be well again.

It is essential that you firstly gain weight in order to fully recover as your mind will no be able to repair otherwise. So while weight restoration is an important factor in anorexia recovery, alone it does not constitute full recovery. You are not fully recovered from anorexia until you no longer have any of the following physical or emotional/behavioural symptoms. 

Symptoms 

By Mayo Clinic Staff

The physical signs and symptoms of anorexia nervosa are related to starvation, but the disorder also includes emotional and behavior issues related to an unrealistic perception of body weight and an extremely strong fear of gaining weight or becoming fat.

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment, also known as the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment, the Minnesota Starvation-Recovery Experiment and the Starvation Study, was a clinical study performed at the University of Minnesota between November 19, 1944 and December 20, 1945. The investigation was designed to determine the physiological and psychological effects of severe and prolonged dietary restriction and the effectiveness of dietary rehabilitation strategies.

Physical symptoms

Physical signs and symptoms of anorexia may include:

• Extreme weight loss
• Thin appearance
• Abnormal blood counts
• Fatigue
• Insomnia
• Dizziness or fainting
• Bluish discoloration of the fingers
• Hair that thins, breaks or falls out
• Soft, downy hair covering the body
• Absence of menstruation
• Constipation
• Dry or yellowish skin
• Intolerance of cold
• Irregular heart rhythms
• Low blood pressure
• Dehydration
• Osteoporosis
• Swelling of arms or legs

Emotional and behavioral symptoms

Behavioral symptoms of anorexia may include attempts to lose weight by either:

• Severely restricting food intake through dieting or fasting and may include excessive exercise
• Bingeing and self-induced vomiting to get rid of the food and may include use of laxatives, enemas, diet aids or herbal products

Other emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms related to anorexia may include:

• Preoccupation with food
• Refusal to eat
• Denial of hunger
• Fear of gaining weight
• Lying about how much food has been eaten
• Flat mood (lack of emotion)
• Social withdrawal
• Irritability
• Reduced interest in sex
• Depressed mood
• Thoughts of suicide

Keep fighting everyone, and one day you will be free of all of these symptoms. Full recovery is possible as long as you believe that it is. Xx