Life is way too short to always go for the lower calorie option

Something I have realised in my recovery, is that like really is way to short to only ever eat fat free or low caorie products, jut because your eating disorder tells you that you should. Thr truth is, I think that free yoghurt tasted terible so nevereat in anymore. In fact, my favourite sort of yoghurt i the full fat type that I comfortably eat reglarly. Now I am so much heathier I look back and ask myself why did I eat something I didn't even like for so long. Since becoming so much healthier, I only ever eat things if I realy love them (which incluudes most foods haha) and I love and enjoy food now more then I ever have before!

Yesterday morning I went to make my usual bowl of oats to have with my toast but I was really dissappointed to find that the milk had expired and I couldn't use it. I decided to make my oats with water instead of milk as this is always how I used to eat then whilst I was sick and I was shocked by just how awful they tasted.  They were testeless and also had a awful consistency, which reminded me a bit of clag glue. Even when I added some extra berries to try and make them a bit more flavoursome, they still tasted awful. So never again will I be eating oats prepared with water, as they really are gross!

Once again, looking back I still can't believe that I ate those awful oats so much when I was sick and am so glad that I put other things before calories when making food choices now, like what I feel like and enjoy most. Every food option I ever made was based upon number of calories and fat content once, but now none of them are and it feels great. I know now that I dont have to choose salad with dressing on the side everytime I go out to a restaurant and instead I can order something I love like chicken schnitzel with chips and salad or even a ceasar salad.

So please, dont waste any more of your life eating the 'safe' option if there are other things that you could be eating and that you enjoy much more. Once you make the change and start eating the foods that you truy love, instead of just the things that your norexia makes you eat, I assure you that you will have a much better relationshipp with food and it will makee you feel great! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to foods you love or making your food taste better by adding things like milk, oil, sauce or sugar. Yes, this may add some calories but those calories cant hurt you and it is well worth it if it means you will enjoy your food even more!

Eating more sometimes wont change your weight

After this past weekend, I couldnt help but wonder whether all the extra food and calories I consumed would have effected my weight or not. Especially on saturday, I think I would have easily consumed 4500 calories between eating out, my normal meals as well as all the alcohol I drank. A couple of times I started to think about how much I was eating but I just kept trying to remind myself that the extra calories couldnt hurt me. And that having fun and enjoying myself was much more important.

I can honestly say I have not tried to compensate for eating more over the weekend since then and was a little reluctant to stand on the scale this morning. I wasnt really scared of gaining a bit of weight but just felt a little strange as I had no idea what would have happened to my weight. Of course,my weight was exactly the same as it had been exactly one week ago which jusg proves what ai gave heard so many times before but failed to believe.

Eating more sometimes DOESNT suddenly make you gain weight. Our bodies do not count calories and gain or lose weight systematically like some kind of calculator. Our bodies have lots of mechanisms in place to keep our weights relatively stable if they are at a natural and healthy weight. It is only when someone continues to consume a large excess of calories or are very inactive over a long period of time that they will gain weight.

The same goes with losing weight. Eating slightly less, or even a lot less over a single day most likely wont change your weight. It is only if someone starves themselves over a significant amount of time that they will loose weight. So now I have proven to myself that eating more sometimes doesnt cause significant weight gain, I feel more at ease when it comes to eating and food which is a great feeling. I feel like I no longer overthink eating like I used to and am learning to just trust my body to look after me.

I hope that this experience I have had helps you to realise that food and extra calories are not something to be frightened of like I now have. Our bodies can deal with these things just fine and will look after us asclong as we look after it and give it the nourishment and care it deserves.

Eventually, you will enjoy food again

When I was in hospital 3 years ago, I couldn't ever imagine a time when I would ever actually want to eat or a time that I would enjoy food again. When I was being force fed by the staff in hospital, I hated every bit of food I put in my mouth and saw food as the enemy. I wanted to write this post to let everyone who may be feeling this way know that food does not necessarily have to feel like the enemy forever and it is possible that you will be able to enjoy food again one day.

Of course eating in recovery can be scary at times and will most likely make you feel nervous or upset however I promise it does get easier as time goes on and as you get stronger. In fact looking back I can honestly say that I loved eating recovery amounts of food after a while and I also really enjoyed all of the types of foods that I ate in recovery. While it was hard to begin with, eventually I loved eating a chocolate bar every single day and having cake and pudding every single day too.

If it was healthy to do so, I would love to continue eating recovery amounts of food and the same types of food that I ate whilst I was gaining weight for the rest of my life. The fact of the matter is though,  that I know it is not healthy for ME to continue eating exactly the same as I did when I was trying to gain weight. While I still enjoy things like chocolate, pudding and cake sometimes, I know that it is not healthy for me to continue eating the same amount as I used to eat.

The only way you will start enjoying food again is if you overcome the fear and anxiety you may currently be experiencing, everytime you eat. Unfortunately the only way you can do this is if you push through those distressing feelings and continue to eat what you know in your heart is the best thing for your recovery. You need to stop listening to your anorexia and eventually the voice of your anorexia will be quiet enough so that you can enjoy eating again, without being screamed at by your anorexia.

It feels so good to be able to truly smile and just enjoy the taste of something delicious whilst you are eating it, especially when you may have believed in the past that enjoying food again one day would be impossible. Please stick to your recovery and you WILL enjoy food again one day, just like I eventually started to do. You just have to be patient and push through the hard times, so that you can get to the good times.

What I ate today

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast with Honey nut spread and 1 sachet of honey oats prepared with milk

Morning Tea: 2 chocolate caramel biscuits and 1 banana

Lunch: 1 belgium and sauce sandwich, 1 apple and 1 marvelous creations chocolate bar

Afternoon Tea: 1 creamy raspberry and white chocolate yoghurt and fresh Strawberries

Tea: Black bean stir fry with mixed vegetables

Dessert: 1 tub of peaches, 1 apple and 1 chocolate icecream

I only just realised just how much chocolate I have eaten today. I guess that is what happens when you lwt yourself eat exactly what you feel like and you love chocolate, haha. While it may not be healthy to eat this much chocolate every single day, I also know that it wont hurt me to eat this much in one day either. To me, eating like this and not feeling too terible is all a part of having a healthy relationship with food. Some people may not agree with me and thaat is completely ok as I believe that everyone is entitled to have their own opinon. I just need to do what I think is best for me and my recovery and my life.

Fat is not the enemy

Society makes us think that eating fat or having fat on your body is bad, I know because I was once made to believe that this was true too. But I assure you, fat really is not something to be feared. While it is not helthy to eat excessive amounts of bad fats or to have lots and lots of excess fat on your body, it is not something that you should be frightened of either. 

When I was at my sickest, I was eating only around 5 grams of fat per day and even then I felt guilty for eating that much. Basically everything I ate had to be fat free and even once I started eating more, fat was the thing that was hardest for me to reintruduce into my diet.

I can honestly say that I have no idea how many grams of fat I eat each day now as I do not count macros but I honestly dont really care anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that fat is just another form of energy that our bodies can use to fuel our bodies. It is not some kind of poison that makes us gain incredible amounts of weight just from consuming it.

I have also realised that having some fat on my body is not a bad thing, in fact it is essential. Without a healthy body fat percentage, I know that my ody can not work effficently and optimally. I know that I will not get my period back if Ido not have enough fat on my body as my hormones wll not be in balance.

It is also important to realise that having a body with no fat on it really is not attractive at all. While I couldn't see it at the time as my anorexia was distorting how I saw my body, I can now see exactly how terrible I looked when I was really underweight. I can honestly say that I never want to look that way again. 

If you don't believe me (I know I probably wouldnt have when I was at my sickest either), then here are some facts on fats from the eat balanced website;

Why do we need to eat fat?

Fat! Don’t be scared of it…  You actually need it in your diet.  Fat doesn’t directly make you “fat” – excess calories make you “fat”.  It’s about getting the right balance.

Fat has had bad press, to the extent that some foods are designed and marketed as ‘fat-free’. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, getting some fat from our diet is absolutely vital.

In this section, you will find out what fats are, why we need them, what they do for us and where we find them in our foods.

Why do we need fat?

Virtually all natural foods contain some fat.  It is in foods because both plants and animals use fats as the most economical way to store energy.  It is needed for their growth, development and function when there is a shortage of food supply (or a shortage of sunlight in the case of plants).

Certain specific dietary fats have other essential functions. We are much like other animals so we do actually need some fat from our diet to survive.  And while in general, as with most things, too much fat is bad, a certain amount is perfectly compatible with good health.

What is fat for?

• A source of energy – Our body uses the fat we eat, and fats we make from other nutrients in our bodies,  to provide the energy for most of our life-functions
• Energy store – The extra calories that we consume, but do not need to use immediately, are stored for future use in special fat cells (adipose tissue)
• Essential fatty acids – Dietary fats that are essential for growth development and cell functions, but cannot be made by our body’s processes
• Proper functioning of nerves and brain- fats are part of myelin- a fatty material which wraps around our nerve cells so that they can send electrical messages. Our brains contain large amounts of essential fats
• Maintaining healthy skin and other tissues.  All our body cells need to contain some fats  as essential parts of cell membranes, controlling what goes in and out of our cells
• Transporting fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E and K through the bloodstream to where they are needed
• Forming steroid hormones needed to regulate many bodily processes

Trust me, I know how hard it is to eat foods that are high in fat when you have such a big fear of it but I promise that it cant hurt you. I was terrified of it once too but now I am no more scared of foods that contain fats then I am of any other food. 

Even if you need to do it gradually, that is completely fine. Just try to slowly reintroduce more and more fats into your diet and eventually your fear will start to fade. If you feel you ned to, just start with healthy fats and then you can progress into eating all other kinds of fats too. 

From experience I can honestly say that it is also possible to eventually accept having fat on your body too. In my opinion, learning that fat is not the enemy really is an essential part of recovery and therefore something I encourage everryone to do.

Doing things that scare you in recovery

Living with an eating disorder means that your life is filled with fear. Fear of gaining weight, fear of particular foods, fear of not knowing how many calories a food contains, fear of people judging you and the fear of going against what your anorexia tells you to do. All of these fears are so real and strong to soeone suffering from anorexia. When I was at my sickest, things had once been scared of seemed like nothing at all compared to be anorexic fears. Now I can see that they were irrational however at the time they were so real to me.

If someone had told me I had to chose between eating poison or a chocolate bar I would have chosen the poison. This is because the thought of gaining weight and eating chocolate was scarier for me then the fear of eating poison and possibly dying. I was no longer friightened of death while I was at my sickest. I was never suicidal or wanted to die but I wasn't frightened of death either, I was only frightened of not listeing to what my anorexia told me I had to do.

The only way you can overcome the fears associated with your eating disorder and allow you to recover is to face them. The first time you face a fear it will be terrifying, challenging and most likely an awful experience. You will never feel completely ready to face your fears so please dont wait around for a time when you are completely ready as this will never happen. So while facing your fears is incredibely painful and distressing the first time, you will get through it and be stonger for it. And the next time you need to face that same fear it will be a little easier.

Something I like to ask myself when I am facing a fear is '"what is the worst thing that could happen?' Usually the answer I get when I am being completely honest is able to calm me down and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. Even though I may will still be scared, this allows me to rationalise the fear and make it slightly less scary. For example if I was starting to panic over eating a chocolate bar (which still happens sometimes) I would stop and ask mysef 'What is the worst thing that couuld happen if I eat this chocolate bar'.

My answer would then be that I may gain a little extra weight. I would then remind myself that gaining weight is my purpose at the moment. I need to gain weight and if this chocolate bar makes me gain a litttle extra weight that is GOOD. As it means that I am getting even closer to making a full recovery. Gaining the weight is inevitable if I want to make a full recovery and I therefore should not think of eating a chocolate bar as only something that can possibly make me gain weight, but instead think of it as something that can get me closer to being fully recovered.

I think that the main difference between people who are not yet ready to recover and those that are is that those not yet ready to recover are unable to rationalise their fears and face them. This was the case for me anyway, like when I would have rathered die then gain weight. That fear of gaining weight was so strong that it seemed impossible to overcome at the time. Now, although I am still frightened of gaining weight, I am strong enough to rationise this fear and face it anyway.

So how did I get from there to here? How did I get to the stage when I was ready to recover and fully committ to my recovery? I challenged myself. It took a long time and it was really painful but I did it anyway. Even when it feels impossible to fight your anorexia, please dont wait around waiting for things to change because it wont change on it's own. You need to face your fears and start making progress. This is the only way you will ever free yourself from your anorexia. Dont try and do the things that seem completely impossible at first.

For example the first fear I faced when I started trying to get better was not eating a chocolate bar. It was instead to eat a small pot of diet cocolate mousse that had less calories in it then a small apple. The first time I ate I was so guilt ridden and terrified however it got easier and eventually I was really comfortable with eating that. The next thing I conquered a few months later was eating a piece of thinly spread nutella on toast. Then a few months after that I let myself eat a single piece of chocolate. Was is terrifying? Of course it was but I did it anyway. Eventually I was comfortable enough to eat a treat sized chocolate bar, then a full sized chocolate bar.

Even if you just try and do a little thing that scares you every single day. Please dont get stuck in the daily routine of listening to your anorexia and always doing exactly as it says. Yes it may seem easier to do this then to face your fears but you are not truly living. And the reality is that eventually, living like this will most likely kill you. The only way you will get better is to start making recovery progress which will be painful and terrifying but also completely worth it. You are strong enough to do it, you just need to belive in yourself and give it everything you have got!

      

What is a healthy diet?

I often find myself wondering whether or not what I eat each day is healthy or if I have too many 'unhealthy foods'. The conclusion I have come to is that it is ok to eat a some 'unhealthy food' as long as you eat lots of other nutritious foods as well. For example although I eat cakes, puddings and chocolate everyday, I also eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I have atleast 4 pieces of fruit every single day and I also have lots of vegetables with my tea each night.

I also try to have alot of dairy products so that my body is recieving lots of calcium. Dairy products I have throughout the day include milk (in my oats/hot chocolate), my up and Go I have with morning Tea, my dairy desssert I have with lunch each day, icecream with my pudding at night and even in my chocolate bar that I have for afternoon Tea. Ioften also have either yoghurt or creamed rice with my afternoon tea. I also try to have some meat each day for iron as I have sufferened from iron defficiency in the past.

I think that it is important to eat foods that are typically clasified as unhealthy in recovery so that the fear associated with these foods dissapears. Also, since a high calorie diet is needed during recovery, these types of foods help a person recovering to reach their high calorie intake goals. To be completely honest, the main reason I eat typically unhealthy food in my recovery is because I really enjoy them. I have spent so much of my life stopping myself from eating nice foods that I love that I dont want to do it anymore.

So as long as I enjoy eating things like chocolate and cake, I will continue to eat them. Afterall If I wanted to spend the rest of my life worrying about what I was eating, I wouldnt be going to the effort of trying to recover from anorexia. I dont judge other people who are dedicated to eating healthily as I believe that this is a personal choice that everyone is entitled to make but I do not think that it is healthy for me to take on this kind of approach to food. So while I may not have the healthiest diet in the world, I believe that it is healthy FOR ME, which is all that really matters.

Pizza Time

My Pizza with Tomato paste, mozzerella cheese, capsicum, onion, tomato and ham

Amy eating her pizza which had tomato paste, cheese, pineapple, onion and ham 

We both finished our whole pizza and agreed they were delicious! :)

Facing a fear food

I had half of my afternoon tea (an apple and an orange juice) before picking up Amy from school and then we went and got icecreams from the shop. I wanted to treat Amy to an icecream because she went to a cross country running carnival today that she did really well in and knew she would be dissapointed if I didnt have one with her. She got a rainbow swirl icecream in a waffle cone and I chose a particular icecream I have been wanting to try for years.

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to try the strawberry and white chocolate crumble magnum but have always been far too frightening for me. I have always loved Magnum Icecreams but this particular flavour has only been released since I developed anorexia. It was extremely delicous and eating it with my gorgeous sister made it an even more enjoyable.

I am so glad that I have finally mustered the courage to try this icecream and I am sure that it is just the first of many of these icecreams that I will eat. I know its hard, but facing your fear foods is a vital part of recovery and something that will get you closer to becoming recovered. The first few times you eat a fear food it may be hard, but if you are brave enough to push through this anxiety or fear, eventually eating that food won't seem scary at all.  

My meal plan challenge

Nutella on toast, Berry Light & Tasty cereal with warm milk

1 sliced banana in one tub of creamy raspberry and white chocolate greek yoghurt,
Cadbury chocolate honeycomb biscuit fingers

2 crumpets with cashew butter, 1 large apple and 1 hazelnut hot chocolate

2 small packets of chips, 1 mandarin and 1 chocolate drizzle fruit and nut bar 

1 original recipe fillet burger, potato & gravy and pepsi max

1 large bowl of vanilla ice ream topped with 1 large crushed twirl chocolate bar

As you can see, I went above and beyond when it came to my meal plan challenge and I am incredibely proud of how I have coped with eating differently then I usually do. I am confident that I still ate the right amont of calories and felt relatively comfortable eating foods that I am not used to eating.

Even though I plan to go back to my meal plan tomorrow, I am glad that I feel comfortable enough to eat other foods when I feel like them. I believe that  being comfortable with this will allow me to transition from following my meal plan to eating intuitively more easily, when I am weight restored and ready to make the change.

I particularly enjoyed my snacks, especially the banana with the raspberry and white chocolate yoghurt as well as my icecream dessert with the crushed twirl (I may even have these again soon I enjoyed them so much). My biggest achievement however would have to be eating KFC for my tea as I havent eaten a fast food meal for over 4 years. I spent the afternoon with my dad and I think he was incredibely proud of me for eating so well and especially for eating KFC food for the first time in so long.

Of course I had some anorexic thoughts leading up to eating the fast food meal, as well as some guilt whilst I was eating and after, but it wasnt anything that I couldn't get through. No matter how my anorexia made me feel for eating the KFC I still came home and made myself a substantial dessert, to show my anorexia that I am strong enough and that I refuse to give in.

Eating an unknown number of calories

Since I was working late tonight and it is so cold, I was planning on having a tin of hot soup as well as fresh bread and butter for tea. My nan came into the supermarket  while I was working to say that she had left me some homemade soup at my house for my tea. My instant thought was that I wouldn't eat it as I had no idea how many calories it would contain but of course I thanked her anyway. After my nan left, I started to think about how delicious the soup she had made sounded. 

This will probably freak you all out but it was actually Roo tail and vegetable soup (you may not realise but country people in Australia often eat kangeroo meat.) I had mixed feeling about what I should do. I could have either stuck to what I was confortable with, a tin of soup I knew the calorie content of or I could eat what my nan had made for me which I had no idea the calorie count of. I decided that this was a perfect opportunity for me to step out of my comfort zone and face one of my biggest fears. 

I got home and warmed the soup up my nan had made me while I buttered myself three slices of fresh wholemeal bread. The soup smelt delicious and tasted even better but I couldnt help but feel incredibely anxious. I had no idea if my tea had more or less calories then it usually would have had and this really scared me. I made myself feel a little better by rationalising with myself. I told myself that if I was eating a little less then usual (which I highly doubt) it was ok as it was only a one off. I also told myself that it did not matter if I ate more calories either, as the extra energy could not hurt me in anyway. 

While I cant eat meals like this too often in recovery as I need to make sure I am eating at least a certain amount of calories, it is still good for me to occasionally eat something made by someone else that I dont know the calorie content of. My anorexia hates it when I eat something with an unknown number of calories in it which means that doing this just creates another opportunity for me to fight my anorexia. Afterall, I believe you can only make progress in your recovery while you are actively fighting your anorexia.

Since my goal is to learn how to eat intuitively after I become weight restored, it is good if I can become a little more comfortable with eating food with an unknown number of calories in it now. I am hoping that if I am able to learn how to eat intuitively in the future, I will never have to count calories again in my life. To me, this would be a dream come true.

Day 27: tell us a story about yourself in the midst of your eating disorder. It can be positive or negative.

I have been thinking really hard about what story to share with you all but I honestly had no idea about what I should write. I have already talked a lot about both negative and positive moments from throughout my anorexia journey so I have decided to talk about the first time I ate pizza after developing anorexia, since it is what I had for tea tonight with Amy (as you can see in the photos below).

It was not long after I had my first breakthrough (almost two years ago) and decided that I needed to change the way I was living if I wanted to survive. I had only eaten vegetables every night for about 6 months, so was looking forward to eating something different but I was obviously also completely terrified. I dont know what made me tackle such a terrifying food so early on in my recovery, but I am glad I did it anyway as it showed me that I could eat fear foods without anything extremely terrible happening.

I remember waiting by the oven as my mini pizza cooked. It was a round frozen mccains supreme flavoured pizza and I remember everything about it as if I only ate it yesterday.  I remember feeling extremely guilty for thinking about how good it smelt but I was convinced I was going to let myself eat it and I did. It tasted delicious after all of the boring and tasteless food I had been eating but I couldnt really enjoy what I was eating as I felt so guilty.

I dont even know if I got any sleep that night as my anorexia was screaming at me so loudly but I had done all I needed to do. I had eaten pizza, something I believed I would never be able to do again. Once I showed myself I could do it once, I knew that I could do it again. Since then I have eaten pizza many times and now I can actually enjoy it, without feeling very much guilt at all.

Amys pizza is on the left, mine (on the right) was the same but I added some extra toppings

Amy trying her hardest to 'photo bomb' the picture

A big week ahead

This week is a really big week for me. I have to travel to Launceston (the second biggest city in Tasmania) to oerow morning where I am attending a 4 day training course for my bank job. There are many dufferent things I am already feeling really anxious about.

1. I have to drive in the city which is something I have never done before

While I have been driving in the country for years, I have never driven in the city as the thought of it has always made me really anxious. I could have asked my parents to drive me but I felt as though it was time for me to step outside of my comfort zone and confront this fear. All I need to do is remember to stay calm and breathe. It would be so much more convenient for me if I can learn to drive into the city by myself and I know that the only way I will ever conquer this fear is if I confront it head on.

2. I am going to be away from home for 3 nights so have to leave my dog Tess with my nan

I havent left Tess overnight before but I know she will hate it. I left her at my nans one day while I was at work to see how she would go and she howled and cried until I went back to get her. I dont want her to feel as though I have abandoned her as she is an extremely anxious dog (we are a great pair ;) ). I like my daily routine and being at home but I know that it is good to step outside your comfort zone sometimes and break your routine.

3. There are no cooking facilities in my hotel room so I will not be able to eat my normal meal plan.

Fortunately there is a bar fridge and kettle in my room but there isn't anything else. I am taking a toaster so I can atleast make myself toast for breakfast and my morning Tea, lunch and afternoon tea can hopefully all still be the same. Lunch is actually provided as apart of the course but I would just prefer to take my own lunch so I can be confident I am eating enough. I know it is important to step outside your comfort zone but I know I would be constantly trying to analyze whether I had eaten either too little or two much which would make me feel incredibely anxious.

4. I will have to eat at the restaurant 3 nights in a row

I still find eating out difficult even for just a single night so I am really nervous about doing this three nights in a row. I will have no idea how many calories each meal contains but I am determined to make the most of this opportunity to fight my anorexia. I can find ordering off of a menu quite difficult as my anorexic thoughts start to get jumbled up with my own but I am confident I will be able to choose and eat a substantial meal each night. The main challenge for me will be to stop myself from restricting after dinner if I get a particularly big meal.

5. I dont know anyone who is going to be there

I admit that I dont have great social skills, especially since having anorexia. I have become very socially withdrawn since becoming ill and get nervous before meeting new people. Due to my lack of self confidence, I constantly worry about what others think of me and that I will do something wrong or embarrasing. While it makes me anxious, I know that opportunities like these are exactely what I need to meet new people and become more confident in myself.

So this is going to be a challenging week for me but also a good week for me to face some of my fears and also to fight my anorexia. Luckily there is free wifi at the hotel so I will be able to take my tablet and continue blogging as usual and update you all on how I am coping.

I have no idea what I will have for dessert each night. I dont think I feel ready to eat dessert at the restaurant straight after my main meal yet but perhaps this is exactely what I need to do. I just dont want to push myself too hard and end up feeling completely awful about myself and moving backwards in my recovery. What do you think I should do?

Fear food list from 2012

A few days after I got out oh hospital back in 2012 I made a list of fear foods. I titled the list; Foods I am scared to eat but wish I wasn't.

Some of the foods on the list that I have already eaten are;

Belgium, pasta, magnum icecreams, muffins, chocolate, slice, lollies, gravy, butter, milk, juice, pastry, chips, grain waves, pudding, custard, cheese, hamburgers, kangeroo patties, alcohol, cereal, sweet spreads, Milkshakes, Nutella, Belgium and sauce sanwiches, Pavlova, fairy bread, icecream and topping, lasagna, spaghetti bolognaise, hot chips (cooked in oil), spring rolls/ dim sims, custard tart, fruit tingles, porrige, milo, Potato, sultanas and yoghurt, apricot delights, peanuts, corn relish dip, fish and chips, tartare sauce, Peanut butter, peppermints, top deck chocolate, smarty chocolate, mint mentos, tic toc biscuits, shapes, hillier chocolate, toasted sandwiches, toasted wrap, white chocolate frogs, dried fruit, honeycomb chocolate, lemon delicious, MnM's, Condensed milk, Lamingtons, Caesar salad, Rice, Carbonara pasta, pumpkin soup, chips and gravy, Stewed apricots, Silverside, Black Jelly beans, pasta salad


Foods I am yet to conquere from my list but am determined to before I declare myself healthy and recovered are;

(some I haven't eaten because I am still scared of them, others because the opportunity simply has not arose for me to eat them in the recent past)

Mince, BBQ food, Deep fried food, regular soft drink, Take-Away Pizza, Meat pies, fruit cake, sausages, regular fat cream, McDonalds cheeseburger and fries, Quiche, Homemade monte carlos, potato bake, curried sausages, chocolate teddy bear biscuits, Berry Mud cake,  Caramel slice, nachos, Chicken Burgers, Chicken Curry Pies, soft Serve icecream, White chocolate coated raspberries, Panacotta, tomato soup porcupines, Eggs and bacon, Sausage rolls, potato pie, chip sandwiches, golden syrup dumplings, CornJack, potato salad

I am really glad that the list of fear foods that I have overcome is now shorter than the list of fear foods I am yet to overcome and this shows me that I have made progress. You should know that even some of the fear foods that I have eaten and feel quite comfortable eating were usually prepared by me. I would find it a lot harder to eat it if it was prepared by someone else or at a restaurant, if I didn't know how it was prepared but I know that if I continue fighting, I will become more comfortable with this in time.

My all time favouritte meal if I ever went out to dinner with my family was Chicken Parmigiana with chips. At this stage I still do not feel as though I could go out and order this meal comfortably and eat it all but I have decided to declare it as my ultimate recovery meal. It is the first meal I will go out and order at a restaurant once I feel as though I am completely recovered. And by completely recovered I mean to be completely free of unhealthy thoughts as well as being weight restored.

If you had to chose an ultimate recovery meal or food what would it be and why?