Exciting news!

I know that I am long over due for an update on my life and how I am going post recovery, but I have been waiting until it was safe for me to share my exciting news with you all. I am currently 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant, which means my dream of becoming a mum is finally coming true. I found out I was pregnant on the 16th of August, two months ago now, after trying to conceive for 12 months. I was starting to worry that I wasn't going to be able to fall pregnant naturally and knew that this could have had something to do with my eating disorder history, but thank goodness it all worked out for us. I had my 12 week scan last Friday and I thought I was only 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant but the baby was actually measuring a week ahead which was really exciting. Although it was too early to tell the gender of our baby, everything looked perfect and our bub is super active!

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. It has always been the most important thing to me and all I ever really cared about achieving in life. At the end of the day, I didn't care what job I ended up with or whether I ever owned my own house or anything like that, all I cared about was having a family. Wanting to become a mum one day was actually one of the things that got me through my recovery, as I knew that by not looking after my body I would be decreasing my chances of ever being able to have children. I also wanted to be a healthy and mentally stable mum, if I ever was lucky enough to be one. I had been with my partner for a while and he knew how much I longed to be a mum, so together we decided to start trying. That was in August 2018 and at the time I wasn't in the best place mentally. I wouldn't say my eating disorder was back in full force but my relationship with food was not healthy and I was practicing some pretty unhealthy behaviours. Trying to fall pregnant helped me to stop those behaviours however, as I knew that I needed to be as healthy as possible in order to fall pregnant and be the best mum possible.

So as the months went by, I got healthier and healthier but I still wasn't falling pregnant, which was really disheartening. I was trying so hard to stay healthy to optimise my chances of falling pregnant but every month I didn't fall pregnant left me feeling like all my hard work was for nothing. Although I said I was trying to fall pregnant, I was still drinking quite a bit of alcohol some weekends which, looking back, I honestly think was hindering my chances of conceiving. I got to the start of July this year and I was totally fed up and depressed about not being able to fall pregnant. I worried I would never be able to fall pregnant and my GP told me that if I still wasn't pregnant in a months time, then she would refer me to a fertility specialist. I stopped drinking all together as I wanted to make sure I wasn't hindering my chances of falling pregnant. I also started to follow a low FODMAP diet as I had been suffering from really bad IBS in the months leading up to this time. Following this diet really helped me to feel better and completely stopped my IBS symptoms and I was also exercising quite a lot at the time, so actually lost a bit of weight unintentionally. And in that month, I also fell pregnant!

Finding out I was finally pregnant was the most exciting thing ever. Not only had I always wanted a baby more than anything, but not being able to fall pregnant for so long just made me long for it even more. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant, the anxiety did hit. Everywhere I looked online, there were stories about miscarriages and really scary miscarriage rates. I felt like I was bound to be one of the unlucky ones it would happen to, but luckily it didn't! My partner and I told our immediate family and best friends quite early but waited until we were cleared at our 12 week scan before announcing it to anyone else. Since being pregnant, all of my eating disorder thoughts and tendencies have gone out the window as nothing matters to me, except the health of our little baby. I have already regained the weight I lost before falling pregnant and some, and am giving into all of my pregnancy cravings. I have seriously eaten more chocolate, cake and sweet biscuits in the last 3 months then I have in the last 10 years! Its like when I was refeeding myself all over again. I always thought that the only thing that would ever completely cure me from my eating disorder was falling pregnant and having a family and I can honestly say that for me, this is 110% true. For the first time in my life I am not restricting myself from eating what I truly want to eat and gaining weight isn't something that scares me at all.

In saying this, I am not recommending people out there with eating disorders should try and fall pregnant so they can recover, as this is often not the case. In fact, falling pregnant has been known to make many peoples eating disorders a lot worse and subsequently they put the health of their babies at risk. But I always knew that this would not happen to me, as my maternal instinct is far stronger then my eating disorder instinct ever has been and ever will be. My mum was exactly the same. She had issues with food in her later teen and early adult years and only truly ate well and started looking after herself properly for the first time when she fell pregnant for the first time, with my older brother. All in all, I hope that this gives hope to others out there who are currently suffering that there really is life after an eating disorder. Recovery is a long and hard road but the fight is well worth it when you get the end and get to live the life you have always dreamed about.

An update + To the Bone review

I thought I would write a post and just update everyone on how I have been going lately. I haven't written a personal post for a long time and although I feel guilty for not posting more often, regular blogging just doesn't feel like the right thing for me anymore. I miss some aspects of blogging and am incredibly grateful for my blog, as I honestly don't think I would have ever recovered without it but in order to move keep moving forward, I felt as though writing about anorexia all the time was keeping me in the past and preventing me from getting on with my life. I love the fact that people from all over the world are still reading my blog though and love hearing from people, who say that my blog is helping them in there own recoveries.

I have just had a month off from university which was great as exams at the end of last semester really took it out of me. I found myself getting incredibly stressed and anxious and I was a real mess for a couple of weeks. I managed to get through them though and was really happy with the results I received, so it all seemed worth it in the end. Just before exams I had been working out everyday and was in the best shape of my life. I had not only got fitter but stronger too. I cut out nearly all exercise whilst I was doing my exams however and am only just starting to get right back into it again. It was nice to have a break though and I am excited to try and get my fitness back to where it was about 2 months ago. The challenge for me will be to also increase my food uptake to make sure I don't lose any weight.

I still find that I lose weight very easily and find it much harder to gain weight. Although I cut out exercise whilst I was studying for my exams, loss of muscle as well as stress lead to me losing about 2 kilograms. This is also why I didn't start exercising again straight after exams as I wanted to regain the weight first, which I have now done. My relationship with food is still really good (the best it has ever been) and my eating disorder no longer interferes with my life. I eat 6 meals a day without fail and although I mainly eat typically healthy foods, I also enjoy eating other foods too like pizza, ice cream and chocolate. I still use some Herbalife products but not as many as I used to (mainly because I could not afford to keep using all of the products I was). I still have a shake when I get up every morning, drink the herbal tea and use the protein powder and a few of the vitamins.

I have started university again this week and spent last weekend in my hometown with my boyfriend. I don't get back to Swansea all that often so when I do it is really nice to see all of my family, especially my little sister and my dad. I don't really have any plans for this weekend but I will most likely spend it trying to stay warm. It has been freezing here lately and although there is no snow where I live, we wake up most mornings to a frost and sometimes the temperature doesn't go above 5 degrees Celsius. I still try and get out for a walk most days though as otherwise I find I start to feel a bit depressed and down if I stay inside all the time, especially when I am in Launceston by myself.

I watched To the Bone the other day and was really disappointed by it (as I think most people were). I was expecting the film to be a really good representation of what Anorexia is truly like as the film was directed by someone who had anorexia and the main actress had also suffered from anorexia however that wasn't the case at all. I had hoped that the film would raise awareness about anorexia and show the world what it was really about however I think if anything, it reinforced the stereotypes that are currently associated with anorexia in our society. I also think it would have been really triggering to anyone with the illness and don't recommend anyone watches it who is currently suffering from anorexia or trying to recover. I was also quite outraged that the main character was asked to lose weight to resemble someone with anorexia as she had actually previously had anorexia and recovered. This is an incredibly dangerous thing to ask any recovered anorexic to do and I hope that it hasn't made that actor relapse.

I better get back to my studying, thanks to all of those people who still read my blog, despite the fact I rarely post anymore. And always remember that if you are suffering from an eating disorder or trying to recover, no matter how impossible it may seem, YOU CAN RECOVER! No matter how difficult it may seem, you are strong enough to fight your illness and do what it takes to recover. I promise you that it is more than worth it in the end, when you get to live the life you truly deserve to live! Stay strong, You've got this! 

The Long-Term Effect Of Eating Disorders That Nobody Talks About

I found the following article really interesting and thought it may interest some of my readers as well. All of my organs became very weak when I was unwell (particularly my hear) and I often wonder about whether or not those organs have repaired fully yet or not.

This is why I think it so important to continuing nourishing your body, even after you become weight restored as a lot of the damage that you do to your body during starvation may not be reversed even when you are weight restored.

The Long-Term Effect Of Eating Disorders That Nobody Talks About                  

by Dr. Ashley SolomonMarch 2, 2017 5:22 AM         

With Healthy Heart Month in full swing, you might be hearing advice everywhere from your family doctor to your favorite newsletter about what to cut out of your diet to keep your heart strong. Ditch the soda! Cut the carbs! Skip the butter! Oh, wait, butter's back in! But maybe olive oil is better?!
While most of us can take this influx of diet advice in stride, those at risk for eating disorders are vulnerable to this deluge of information. In many cases, the eating patterns that eventually precipitated a full-blown eating disorder started with the intention to be healthier and feel better—both physically and emotionally. In a sadly ironic twist, those behaviors have likely contributed to the serious decline in health often associated with eating disorders.

Eating disorders are more than just a psychiatric illness.

In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness (or behavioral health disorder). So not only do they lead to a host of social, mental, and physical problems, but they actually put someone at increased risk for other health problems. Cardiovascular complications are one of the biggest risks for those struggling with eating disorders. The heart is made of muscle and basically functions as a pump that moves blood first to the lungs to pick up oxygen and then out to the extremities to bring oxygen and nutrients throughout the whole body. Our hearts are clearly key to our ability to live and function normally, and eating disorders put strain on the heart in a number of ways.

1. Weaker heart muscles

First, when one does not take in enough food to support our level of activity, the heart rate slows down as the body tries to conserve energy. Also, blood pressure will drop due to dehydration or because the muscles of the heart weaken. When blood pressure is low, it's harder for other organs—like the kidneys, the brain, or the liver—to receive the nutrients and oxygen that the heart usually pumps in their direction.
People with low-weight eating disorders actually lose cardiac muscle mass. All muscles of the body are subject to wasting away if we aren't nourishing them. Heart muscle is no exception. Underweight patients may develop mitral valve prolapse due to shrunken heart muscle cells, or they can develop heart failure due to a weakened heart that can't pump well.

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2. Shifts in the heart's chemical environment

A second concern is the development of abnormal heart rhythms, which happens frequently when someone is suffering from bulimia nervosa. The behaviors of binge eating and purging (which can involve not just vomiting but also laxative and diuretic use), can lead to dehydration and dangerous shifts in electrolytes in the body. When the chemical environment of the heart is abnormal, the heart is at risk for arrhythmias, which can cause heart palpitations, fainting, and even death.

3. Cardiac disturbances

And thirdly, there are a host of cardiac rhythm disturbances that are directly caused by weight loss and malnutrition. These are undoubtedly causal in the heightened risk for sudden death seen in people with anorexia nervosa.
Despite these very serious cardiac concerns, many people with eating disorders are reluctant to get help. The disorders themselves are marked by a brain-based type of denial that can make even seeing that there's a problem very difficult. As a clinician, I find that sometimes the presence of these heart issues can help someone see just how high the risk to their health really is.

Healing your body from an eating disorder

But even those who begin the process of recovery have to be very cautious about their heart health. For someone who has been eating very little, starting to eat more can cause its own dangerous shifts in electrolytes called refeeding syndrome, which again puts the person at risk for cardiac complications. Thus, some patients will need to be very closely monitored by a medical team during this process.
The heartening news is that most of physical complications of eating disorders are reversible with good nutrition. Once the body and mind are recovered and a knowledgeable support team is in place, the person has a great chance of living a long, healthy life.

If you've suffered from an eating disorder, keep the following in mind:

1. Take any cardiac event very seriously. If you experience any chest pain, are getting dizzy when you stand, have a fainting episode, or notice your heart rhythm seems off, get to a medical provider as soon as you can.
2. Enlist the support of others. We know that eating disorders thrive in isolation, and recovery thrives in community with others you care about. Let someone close to you know that you're worried about your health.
3. Know that recovery is always possible. Even people who lived with an eating disorder for a very long time can expect a full and lasting recovery. It's not easy and can't be accomplished alone, but EVERYONE suffering from an eating disorder can be helped.

The recently deceased George Michael once said, "You'll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart." Listen carefully to the messages your heart is sending you. And with the right treatment, you can find peace from the burden of eating disorders.
For additional information about the Eating Recovery Center, call 877-789-5758, email info@eatingrecoverycenter.com, or visit www.eatingrecoverycenter.com to speak with a master's-level clinician.

Narcissist parent

My childhood and teenage years weren't exactly easy and I know that what I went through over this time significantly contributed to my low self esteem as well as the development of my anorexia. At the time I had no idea why my mum was treating me the way she was but now I know that she was treating me differently from my siblings because she was in capable of feeling maternal love towards me. I remember balling my eyes out and asking her why she hated me so much and eventually she stopped denying that she hated me and just admitted that she didnt know why she couldnt love me like she did my siblings. Accepting this was hard and to begin with I tortured myself for year's trying to win her love. All I got from her however was more emotional abuse and neglect.

In the early stages of my eating disorder when I had just started making myself vomit after eating sometimes I remember breaking down and telling my mum what I had been doing. I expected her to take me to the doctor or atleast try to help me through it. All she did however was tell me that "you should stop that"andInever heard another word about it again until I was hospitalised about 4 months later. She hever once asked me if I was ok or if I was still practicing that dangerous behaviour. I asked her later about why she didnt do anything when I told her what I had been doing and she told me she was too busy dealing with my little sister to worry about me too. Also, when I was first hospitalised I remember laying in my hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and unable to even walk to the toilet and having my mum call me and growl at me for not taking my text books to hospital with me as I would miss out on studying. She wasnt concerned about the fact that my heart was failing or that I was very sick, all she cared bout was me missing out on school.

These are just a few of the signs that my mum didnt have normal maternal feelings towards me. She was also very jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and she felt incredibly threatened if ever my younger sister looked up to me as a mother figure also. Mum was an alcoholic so whenever she got drunk, her true loathing for me really came out. Atleast while she was sober she could try and hide the fact that she didnt care about me the way she did about my 2 brothers and sister.

The reason I am writing this post today is to reach out to anyone else who my have a narcissistic parent. In order for me to recover, I had to cut myself off from my mother all together and had to stop trying to get her to love me the way I always wanted her too. I highly recommend you try to cut your parent off too, if they are a narcissist, or atleast stop trying to win their love. The truth is, your narcissistic parent can not love you unless you are their 'golden child' and as long as you try to get them to, you are only torturing yourself. I have accepted I will never have a mum and that is completely ok. I have so many other wonderful people in my life so I really dont need her, one little bit! And oneday I hope to have a daughter so I can have the mother daughter relationship with her that I never got to have with my own mum.

21 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (Be Concerned if She Has Many of Them)

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-have-a-narcissistic-mother-21-signs-of-a-narcissistic-mother/

• 1. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This is a defining feature of narcissism. She will steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion if someone else is the center of attention.

• 2. She demeans, criticizes and makes derogatory remarks to you. She always lets you know that she thinks less of you than your siblings or other people.

• 3. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. There is no privacy in your bathroom or bedroom; she regularly goes through your things to find information she then uses against you.
• 4. She ‘favoritizes’. Narcissistic mothers often have one child who is “the golden child” and another who is the scapegoat.
• 5. She undermines She will pick a fight with you or be especially critical and unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort.
• 6. Everything she does is ‘deniable’. Cruelties are couched in loving terms; aggressive acts are paraded as thoughtfulness.
• 7. She makes YOU look crazy. When you confront her with something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (common phrase that abusers use to invalidate your experience of their abuse) or that she has “no idea what you are talking about”.
• 8. She’s jealous. If you get something nice, she’ll take it from you, spoil it for you or get something the same or better for herself.
• 9. She’s a continuous liar. To you, she lies blatantly. To outsiders, she lies thoughtfully and in ways that can always be covered up.
• 10. She manipulates your emotions in order to “feed on your pain”. This behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that they are often referred to as “emotional vampires”.
• 11. She is selfish and willful. She makes sure SHE has the best of everything and always has to have her way.
• 12. She is self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are Very Important and yours are irrelevant or insignificant.
• 13. She is almost absurdly defensive and extremely sensitive to criticism.
• 14. She terrorized you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their wrath. If you give her everything she wants, you might be spared; but if you don’t-the punishments WILL come.
• 15. She’s childish and petty; “getting even” with you is important to her.
• 16. She is aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She won’t take no for an answer-she will push, arm-twist, or otherwise manipulate or abuse you until you give in.
• 17. She “parentifies”. She sheds her parental responsibilities to the child as soon as she is able.
• 18. She is exploitive. She will go to any length to get things from others for nothing (work, money, objects)- including taking money out of her children’s account or even stealing their identities.
• 19. She projects. She will put her own poor behavior or character onto you so she can punish you. For example, you refuse an especially outlandish request of hers, she becomes enraged and furious at your refusal, then screams at you, “we’ll talk about it after you’ve calmed down and aren’t hysterical”.
• 20. She is never wrong about anything. She will never, ever genuinely apologize for anything she has done or said.
• 21. She is not aware that other people have feelings. She will occasionally slip up in public, and because of her lack of sympathy, will say something so callous it causes disbelief in people. The absence of empathy is another defining trait of narcissism and underlies most of the other signs that are on this list.