Today's visual food diary

BREAKFAST: Herbalife shake made with 3 scoops of vanilla nutritional mix, 1 scoop of personalized protein powder, 1 cup if almond milk, 1 banana, 7 strawberries, cinnamon and sweetner

MORNING TEA: 1 sachet of berry oats, 1diced apple and 150ml of almond milk, 1scoop of protein powder and cinnamon

LUNCH: Pasta salad (80g of pasta shells, 5 slices of diced ham, 1 boiled egg, capsicum, 2 tbs of  fat free mayo) served on a bed of baby spinach with a cup of hot peach herbalife tea

AFTERNOON TEA: 1 banana and 1 large protein bar





TEA: Vegetable Lasagna with lightly salted vegetables (carrot, broccoli, peas and sweet potato)

DESSERT: 1 red berry layered Danone Greek Ultimate Yoghurt with a large pear

Making eating a priority

Something I have learnt through my own recovery is that in order to get better, you really do need to make food a top priority. 

For example while it may not be normal to set an alarm so you can get up early to eat breakfast, it may be essential to ensure you get enough energy in throughout the day. 

Even now that I am no longer trying to gain weight, I feel as though I dtill need to make a very special effort just to get enough food in each day so I dont lose any weight. For example because I cant make my breakfast early due to not wanting to disturb other people in the house who are sleeping, I make myself a pre breakfast snack (or atleast have a supplement drink) instead of morning tea and then I have breakfast at my old morning tea time.

Also, even though others may not eat if they dont feel hungry, we cant do that. I eat atleast a bare minimum number of calories over 6 meals no matter how hungry I may be. This is what I had to do while I was gaining weight and that is what I dtill do today to ensure I don't lose any weight.

The point I am trying to make is that in order to have a successful recovery, you will have to make eating a top priority. You cant just not eat because your busy or because your not hungry. Food is our medicine and in order to recover we need to have our medicine in the correct amount and also often enough. 

When people try to help you....

When I was at my sickest with anorexia, I wouldnt let anyone try and help me and if anyone tried to give me advice or help me in any way, I would get incredibely angry with them. The thing was, a lot of the time I knew what they were saying was right however it was just too hard for me to actually listen. I was living in denial I guess, and hated people telling me what I needed to do, even if I knew they were right.

This caused me to push away some of the people I was closest too, as I couldnt handle them trying to interfere with how I was living. I suppose the anger that came through was actually my anorexia, as my anorexia hated anyone who questioned my behaviours or told me to change. I wish now I had been more open about how I felt and had just explained to the people around me that although I knew what they were saying was right, it wasnt as simple as 'just doing' what they said I should do.

Afterall getting angry at the people I loved and pushing them away only made me feel more alone and helpless. So instead of just yelling and screaming when your loved one suggests you need to eat more or stop a behaviour. Try to talk to them about it rationally instead. Explain to them that you know they are right, but you just dont feel strong enough to actually do what they are telling you to do. Atleast then your loved ones will realise you arent just ignoring them and that you do understand what they are saying.

Even now, I still get quite agitated whenever someone questions what I eat or how much I exercise. Also, I get quite distraught when my boyfriend asks me if he can weigh me. I know that he only does this to make sure I havent lost weight and because he loves me but i still really struggle with it. Standing on the scale in front of someone causes me ALOT of anxiety and my instant reacyion when he asks to weigh me os to get angry. So i just have to be very careful not to get angry and to just remember that he only wants to make sure I am ok.

Whilst I was struggling with anorexia, I had a wonderful relationship with my dad however I had a terrible relationship with my mum. And I know that this is only because mum continued to try and help me, when I simply couldnt be helped. Also my mum couldnt contain her emotions or frustration so she expressed herself by getting angry, yelling and screaming. My dad however fortunately realised very early on that getting angry didnt help the situation, nor did telling what i needed to do. He realised that he couldnt really help me to get better, that i needed to get better myself and so he just let me know he was there for me, whilst I was doing that.

This post has ended up being a bit unorganized and I know I have rambled on a bit but I just wanted to share with you all how I coped when people tried to help me in recovery and the importance of being open with your loved ones about how you are feeling, instead of pushing your loved ones away.

Waking up feeling fantastic

After a wonderful nights sleep last night, I have woken up feeling fantastic and positive and full of energy. I still fall asleep early every night while I am watchinng tv but I am managing to stay asleep until 6:00 am each morning which is amazing for me as I have had trouble sleeping in the mornings for the last few years. The only reason that I can think of that explains my improved sleep patterns is that I have allowed my body to heal through nourishing it and making recovery progress. So if you have troubl sleeping, impproved sleep may be another reason to motivate you to recover too! 

Today I am working at the supermarket which I am actually quite looking forward to as my cousin Jemma (who is also one of my best friends) is going to be working as well. Although we will obviously be working, it will still be nice to have one anoythers company. Even though we do get tired of telling the customers that no we aren't sisters or twins (as eryone seems to think we are)! It is also school holiidays a the moment which means that it will be quite busy at the shop which is really good too. I find that the dayss always go much faster when it is busy and when there is always something to do. 

My cousin jemma and me (Do you think we look alike?)

After a rainy day yesterday, it looks as though it is going to be a nice sunny day so I am looking forward to getting out and taking Tess for a nice walk before work. I also need to get ready and straighten my hair so I really should make a start. i am looking forward to having the day off tomorrow so that I can catch up on my house work and also so that I have some quality blogging time. I have had some good idea over the past few days for post ideas but just haven't had the time to write about them yet, so those posts will be comiing tomorrow!

Have a great day everyone, can you believe that it is the last day of September already? This year is going so fast! It will be christmas before we know it! 

Developing an ED is not your choice, but recovery is

While developing anorexia or any eating disorder is not something you choose, you must choose to recover, in order to do it. You have probably heard this said before however I believe that this is an incredibely important point to make. Firstly, your eating disorder is not your fault. You didn't choose to develop it and you definetely should not feel guilty for developing it. Just as a person should not be blamed for having cancer or another illness, you also should not be blamed for having an eating disorder.

Many people who do not properly understand eating disorders may fail to realise that you did not choose to get sick. I know that this was the case for my mum and she constantly made me feel awful about the fact that I had Anorexia. She would often remind me of everything I had given up because of my anorexia and about how I had thrown my life away. It is important that if people treat you this way, you do not believe what they are sayiing as this will jut make you feel more awful about yourself. 

I found recovery was even harder when I believed what my mum was saying as this caused me even more guilt and anxiety, which made my anorexia worse. It also made me hate myself more then I already did, which made me feel as though I didnt deserve to get better and that I was a bad person. In the end I stood up to my muum and told her that my eating disorder was not my fault and that I didn't choose to develop it. I still dont think that my mum really believed what I had said but the most important thing was that I was starting to believe it.

I think that realising this was really important as it made me feel less guilty and allowed me to stop hating myself quite as much. For a while after realising this however, I almost used it as an excuse to stay sick which I know was also wrong. Even when was I was doing something that I knew was incredibely unhealthy or wrong, I would reassure myself that it was ok as it was not my fault I was sick. This removed any guilt that I may have otherwise felt and therefore made listening to my anorexia incredibely easy.

Even though developing your eaating disorder was not your choice, you still should no use this as an an excuse to not fight your anorexia and get better. There really is no magic cre for anorexia and it cant simply go away on its own. You really must hoose to fight in order to recover. Whenever I am feeling particularly anxious aboutt any recovery steps I may be taking, I always remind myself that recovery is not supposed to be easy. Chances are, if you aren't feeling atleast a little bit anxious or uncomfortable, then you are not actually making recovery progress. 

In order to recover and live the wonderful life you truly deserve to live, you need to choose recovery, just like I have done. Another important point to make is that you will not only need to choose recovery once, you will have to keep choosing it, every single day. Simply deciding that you are going to try and recover does not mean tthat you are actually recovering. I claimed to be recovering over a period of 12 months or so before I actually trully entered my recovery. Although throughout that period I wanted to get better, I did not gain any weight at all and was not actively fighting my anorexia at all.

Please choose recovery. You are the only person who can do it and your life really does depend on it. I know it seems impossible but I promise you it isn't. It is painful at times but you are strong enough to get through it and the ife you can have once you are recovered will make all of the pain worth while. Getting sick was not somethig you chose to do but getting better is something you need to choose. All you need to do is elieve in yourself and you can make anything happen!  

 

My eating disorder at the moment

I have mentioned in various posts over the last few weeks about my current recovery plans but I thought it would be a good idea just to write a master post about exactly where I am at in regards to my anorexia and my recovery. After reaching a healthy weight I decided to reduce my intake from 3200 calories to 2500. I did not do this over a single day but instead I did it quite gradually, over a week or so.

I did not only reduce my intake because I had exceeded the goal weight my doctor had set me, but also because I felt as though I really didnt need all of the food I was eating anymore. I knew that I was eating far more then my body actually needed which led to me losing my appetite and becoming completely uninterested in food which is quite unusual for me.

My body shape had returned to what it was prior to me developing anorexia and I was still relatively comfortable (as comfortable as someone with anorexia could be) with my body. Since I was still reasonabely comfortable with how I looked and I was a healthy weight, I did not want to gain too much more weight as I knew that this would only make accepting myself even more diffcult and this could lead to me relapsing.

Since reducing my intake and also increasing my exercise a little, I have mangaged to maintain my weight which is what I was aiming to do. I am confident that I made the right choice to decrease my intake as I am still feeling great. I am full of energy and have a healtthy appetite once again. I have also noticed that my sensitivity to the cold has not returned which makes mre think that I am still eating enough.

You must rememeber that everyone is different and that each individual requires different amounts of food, depending upon who they are and where they are at in their recoveries. For example even though some people consider 2500 calories to be a recovery intake, for me this is a maintenence intake. Some people may consider this to be quite a high maintenence intake however I feel as though it is exactly what my body needs in order to function efficiently.

Now that I have got my body to a relatively healthy state, I know that it is minly just my mental health that I need to keep working on. While my anorexia is still there and still causes me daily anxiety, I can honestly say that it is getting better everyday. every day is a little bit easier and I can also feel myself getting stronger.  Even though I still get anorexic thoughts, I find it much easier to ignore them now.

I find that I can think so much more rationally now and I suppose that this is because my brain is getting physcally healthier as well as mentally. And while I still get self consious sometimes, it is nowhere near as bad as it was before I developed anorexia. I am much more accepting of my body and also appreciate my body more now, for all of the wonderful things it does for me.

Once I have maintained my weight for a while, the next step for me will be to start trying to eat intuitively. This is something that I am incredibely nervous about as I am worried that I  may eat either too much or too little. Learning to listen to your body after ignoring it for so long is a huge challege but I desperately want to stop counting calories for good, so it is a challenge I am willing to face. Like all of the other challenges I have faced so far in my recovery, I am determined to do whatever it takes in order to overcome it.

I hope that everyone else is doing well in their own recoveries and making progress. Remember that recovery is painful but the only way you will make progress is if you fight through the pain and anxiety. One day it will all be worth it, I promise! <3 xx  

   

Recovery tattoo

My brother text me a couple of days ago asking me if I wanted to go with him someday soon to get a tattoo. I was so happy that my brother thought to ask me if we wanted to go and get tattoos together. I thought it was incredibely sweet that out of all the people he could have asked, he chose to instead ask me.

I really feel as though I have a much better relationship with my brothers now that I am so much better and I think that this is because they are so proud of me and happy for me for everything I have achieved. Getting a tattoo is something I have been thinking about doing for some time now, but I think that now is a good time to get a recovery tattoo, as I really have come a long way in my recovery.

I have had mixed feeling about what I wanted my tattoo to say/be, but I have finally decided what I would like. I know that Imfefinetely want to get the phrase 'SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD, SO SHE DID.' I am not 100% sure if I will just get the writing or if I will get a bird of other image as well and I am also not quite sure where I want to get it.

I really love tattoos on the back but dont think I would like one myself, as I would never get to see it. Because this tattoo has a special meaning to me, I want to have it placed somewhere Where Inwill be able to see it and enjoy it. But i also dont want it somewhere incredibely obvious either.

Does anyone have any suggestions about wherevthey think I should get a tattoo? Or about whether I should get just writing or whether I should get a picture too. I know that it has to be my choice as I am going to be stuck with it for the rest of my life but I would love to hear your thoughts too.

The phrase I have finally decided I want

I think that birds Tattoos are really beautiful

To me birds symbolise freedom which is also relevent to my recovery journey
 

If I decide to just get the phrase, I may get a birr tattoo as a second one

 

I love this tattoo (both the image and the position) but I would never get to see it. SO IF i got a tattoo in this spot I would want another one as well, somewhere I could see. 

Day 23: If you won the lottery....

if I won the lottery, I would try and open up an eating disorder clinic in Tasmania (The state of Australia that I live in), or atleast contribute to the opening of one. I know that there would be a lot involved in this and it may not be possible no matter how much money I had however that would still be my first dream, If I was to win the lottery.

I hate the fact that there is such little help for people who suffer from eatng disorders in Tasmania and think that it is wrong that people who are not in private health coverage may not have the same opportuunities to recover as those that aren't. Everyone deserves to live a life free of an eating disorder and It would be wonderful to set up a clinic so that I could help to make this happen.

If I couldn't set up a clinic, I would atleast like to form some kind of support organisation so that people suffering from eaating disorders would no longer feel alone, as I did when I was at my sickest. I know how awful living with an eating disorder can be and all I will say is that it is no wonder that so many people living with eating disorders dont survive. It is also no wonder that many people take there own lives, as one of my cousins who was suffering fom Anorexia did.

While I never seriously considered taking my own life, I could see exactly why so many people suffering from anorexia do. When you feel so miserable living the way you are but it also feels truly impossible to change, it can leave you feeling extremely depressed and helpless. You start to think that you would rather just not be around anymore, as it feels as though dying is the only thing that will ever take the pain away.

But you can fight! No matter how impossible getting better may seem it is always possible, for everyone. My dream is to show people that they can get better as well as actually helping them to do it. So this is what I would do if I won the lotttery, put it back into helping others recover. What would you do if you won the lottery?