Calorie intake calculators

A very important thing to know is that you CANT always listen to reccommended daily intakes. They are usually not accurate and often underestimate how much energy your body needs. For the point of this exercise I put my details into various calculators which all returned very different results.

 FYI 10272 kilojoules = 2455 calories

As you can see some of the calculators stated I only need to eat about 1900 to maintain my weight. However I have lost weight eating that amount in the past which means it is obviously not enough for me. In saying that, I usually dont eat as much as 2500 calories each day either which is what another calculator suggested.

The point I am trying to make is that everybody is different and no calculator can accurately tell you exactly how many calories you need each day. Also, your body will not use the exact same number of calories each day. Some days you will need more or less energy, which is when listening to your body really becomes important.

If a doctor or dietician tells you how much you should be eating then I highly reccommend that you follow there advice. Ideally you wont count calories at all but if like me you do, please dont listen to these types of online calculators as they really aren't accurate.

You may find that you need to experiment for a while to see how much food your body truly needs by looking at your patterns of weight loss/maintenence/gain and also your energy levels and hunger. :)

Eating more regularly again

After deciding that I simply wasnt ready to try and eat intuitively again yet (due to accidentely losing a bit of weight) I have started eating 6 meals each day again. I have also staryed roughly counting my calories for each meal again, to make sure I am eating enough too.

The truth is, when I was eating less,  I didn't really miss the extra food at all and didnt feel very hungary at all which made ne falsely believe I was eating enough. I have found that my appetite has returned now that I am eating more again which is great! I suppose I have just started making food and eating one of my main priorities again, instead of just eating when I have time or am hungary.

For example, I have started getting up at 6 in the morning and having a supplement drink and piece of fruit, before having breakfast at 9 and then lunch at midday. Where as before I wasnt eating breakfast until 9 (which was my first meal of the day) and then only having lunch.

I dont know if I am eating enough yet to gain weight but I atleast know that I will not lose anymore weight. If I still haven't gained any weight after a week or so of eating what I am, I will have to increase my intake again so that I can get back to the weight I was a month or so ago.

The extra food is giving me more energy and I already feel as though I can think more rationally and clearly. I guess this just demonstrates the importance of eating to keep us happy and healthy. We should always keep in mind the fact that food really is medicine for us!

Accidental weight loss

I was very surprised when I went into the blood bank yesterday morning to donate blood when they wouldnt let me donate as I just fell under the minimum weight requirement. Up until a few weeks ago, I had weighed enough to donate blood and I hadnt been trying to lose weight in any way so I was shocked that it had happened.

This has come as an inportant reminder to me that even though I am doing really well in terms of my recovery, I still am not like everybody else. I do lose weight very easily and I therefore need to make an extra effort to eat more often then others and sometimes larger amounts then others too.

I think that the main difference between me and others is that my body needs a constant energy supply, in the form of 6 meals a day. This can be really hard when everyone around me only eats 3 or 4 times a day but obviously skipping snacks, even when I am eating more for main meals, just isnt something my body can cope with yet.

Perhaps oneday, when my weight has stayed healthy and stable for a longer period of time I will be less susceptible to weight loss, but until then,  I just need to do what is right for my body and my health. I guess it is a good sign that I have not found this recent weight loss pleasing at all. If anything I have just felt dissapointed and concerned.

I have absolutely no desire to lose anymore weight and hope that I can gain back those few kilos I have managed to accidentely lose. Afterall, I know that my body is happier and healthier at that slightly higher weight and looking after my body is the most important thing. If the weight loss does continue, I will go to the doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong and there isn't another underlying cause of this unexpected weight loss.

Gaining weight is essential

When I was underweight, people often said that it was impossible to get better mentally until I firstly got better physically. To be perfectly honest, I was quite reluctant to believe this as I could not see how weighing more would help with what was going on in my head. I didn't understand how gaining weight would magically make my anorexic thoughts go away but that really is what seems to have happened.

Since becoming weight restored I now fully believe this theory that the key to recovery is to eat and gain weight. To me, it seems as though the anorexic part of your brain is most powerful when the rest of the brain is malnourished and weak. And it is not until the rest of your brain gets stronger and repairs whilst you are becoming weight restored that your thoughts get better and healthier.

I know it feels impossible to recover and that you cant ever imagine a time when your anorexic thoughts wont be as strong and loud but I am begging you to trust me and take this chance. Gaining weight IS necessary in order to recover from anorexia. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but sadly, you will not recover otherwise.

I waited around for years in the hope that my anorexia would go away and that my thoughts would get healthier but they never did. Even once I started eating a 'normal' amount, my anorexic thoughts and behaviours didn't get better at all as I was still at a very low weight. It was only once I started eating recovery amounts of food and started gaining weight that I have been able to start getting my life back and moving foward from my eating disorder.

While I may not be fully recovered, I would consider myself to be 80% recovered and I can still feel myself getting better everyday. Without gaining the weight I have, I know that I would still be exactly where I was a year ago, extremely anorexic and extremely unhappy. I know the prospect of gaining weight seems far to painful when your mind is still so unhealthy however you need to remember that as you gain weight, your mind gets better which allows you to accept the weight gain a little more easily.

I found the following article which explains why gaining weight is such an essential part of the recovery process at this website;

'So why the heck do people seem so impervious to the message that without weight restoration you get nothing?  And I do mean nothing: no physical recovery AND no psychological recovery.  Remember: psychological recovery is about the brain.  The brain is an organ of the body; like all other organs it needs fuel to replace broken or used-up cells, and for functioning cells to communicate with each other.  Starvation is as bad for children and for any other living thing.  This takes no great leap of intellect:  you can’t become psychologically normal in a state of malnutrition. You don’t (or shouldn't) need access to all “latest science” to know this.'

Maintaining my current weight

*****************************TRIGGER WARNING*******************************
In this post I talk about my weight and BMI and there are also some photos of me when I was very underweight as well as when I am heealthy.



After getting up and weighing myself this morning, I was quite happy to see that my weight is still exactly the same as it was over a week a go when I weighed myself last. My weight has been stable for around a month now and my body seems to be able to run healthily and happily at this weight. I am feeling really quite comfortable with the way my body currently looks which is an amazing feeling as I cant rememebr the last time I was actually happy with my body.

I am currrently eating a minimum daily intake of 2500 calories and I really do feel fantastic. I no longer experience any of the symptoms that I once experienced whilst restricting or undereating. The most noticeable difference to me is not actually with my physical health but instead with my mental health. I find that I can now think so clearly and my anxiety levels are also much lower then they have been for years.


Some professionals may argue that I have not gained enough weight as my bmi is still only 19, which is at the very bottom of the healthy weight range.

I have spoken to my GP about this and she is quite happy for me to remain at my current weight. The goal weight she initially set for me was 50 kg and she was thrilled that I has chosen to gain even more weight myself. My doctor knows how thin my parents and my siblings are and also knows what my figure was like before I developed anorexia and she seems to think that my current weight is a healthy weight for me.

Sometimes I feel as though I should keep gaining some more weight but only so that I can be a good role model for my readers, not for any other reason. I like my body the way it currently is and I worry that if I gain too much more weight I will become unhappy with the way I look again which will lead to bad body image for me as well as a possible relapse. Also, if I was not feeling so healthy and happy then I would be more inclined to gain some more weight, however I am feeling so fantastic, it feels quite unneccesary.

The main reason I don't want to 'stop half way' is beecause I know that making a full recovery is impossible if I faill to reach my natural healthy body weight. If a time ever comes that I feel as though I am still anorexic and unable to make any more progress, then this is when I will start trying to gain more weight again. For now however I can still feel myself making recovery progress and getting healthier and stronger each day so I am just going to continue letting my body maintain, as it currently is.

July 2013

July 2015

Something that I simply cant stress enough is that you need to listen to the doctors and health care professions who are looking after YOU. Just because my doctor says that it is ok for me to stop gaining weight at the weight I am currenttly at does not mean it is necessarily healthy for you to stop at a bmi of 19 too. We just need to do what is the best thing for OURSELVES and concentrate on getting healthy and making a full recovery. Keep fighting everyone, we can do this <3 xx

Day 8: 5 current goals

I decided to share 5 of my eating disorder related goals as well as 5 other goals that are applicably to my life but are not necessarily recovery related. Always remember that just writing your gold down usually is not enough to ensure that you stick to your goals and actually reach them. Leave your goals written somewhere that you often look so that you can be reminded of them and so that you can keep actively trying to acchieve them. With a little hard work, no goal is to difficult to reach, we just have to believe that we are capable of raching them.

ED Related
1. Reach my healthy set point weight (whatever that may be)
2.Learn to love and appreciate my body at my natural set point
3. Leearn how to eat intuitive and stop counting calories or following meal plans
4. Make a full recovery from anorexia
5. Prove to EVERYONE that recovering from an eating disorder is possible

Non- ED related
1. To fully support my mum, while she tries to overcome her own battles
2. To be there for my little sister 100%, so she never feels alone
3. To complete my traineeship at the bank (I will still continue my job however)
4. Start saving more money (I know that money isn't everything, but it is still handy.)
5. Travel to Europe and while I am there I would love to meet some of my wonderful       readers (unfortunately this is probably quite a few years away).

Realising when you have reached your set point weight

Knowing what your natural set point weight is can be really hard and this is still something that I get confused and anxious about every single day. I hope the following article can be helpful for you all, as I do not think it is possible to truly recover unless you are willing to reach and accept your natural set point.

How do you know your set point weight?

A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.

The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.

Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.

You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.

When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.

This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.

In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body!

Do you accept your body at its optimal natural weight or are you holding on to an unnatural size? No matter whether in your recovery, restoring physical health means gaining weight or not, I hope you choose the path towards full recovery. Learning to love and embrace your body at its natural set point weight will give you so much freedom and happiness in return!

https://www.recoverywarriors.com/let-go-of-the-perfect-body-and-trust-your-set-point-weight/

How much more weight should I gain?

I am starting to feel as though I do not want to gain anymore weight. I know that these are just anorexic thoughts but it has made me think about when I can stop trying so hard to gain weight. I would love to be able to just stop gaining weight now, now that my bmi falls within the healthy range and I am feeling so fantastic but I don't now if I should or not.

Perhaps I should just keep eating the same amount but stop restricting my exercise too so that I can build up some muscle. I lost a lot of muscle because of my anorexia and need to regain it. I know that this will make me gain some more weight also will which possibly get me to my natural set point. Afterall I know that to have a completely healthy body I need to have muscle AND fat on my body.

It is so hard to know what my ideal body weight is for me. My GP thinks that naturally my body weight is not that high, as both my parents are thin and I have always been relatively thin throughout my life too. In fact I have already reached the goal weight that she set for me.

Also, my bones no longer sick out terribely like they once did. Parts of my body like my arms still look quite thin however I think that this is mainly just due to losing all of the muscle in them. Once I rebuild the muscle I think they will look much healthier and be much closer to what they looked like at my pre anorexia weight. Otherwise, if I continue just gaining fat until I reach my ideal weight, I will overshoot my ideal weight once I start gaining muscle.

Most of the weight I have gained has gone to my thighs, chest and bum which were always the areas of my body that I was most self conscious about before I got sick which tells me that this is the figure I am naturally supposed to have. Obviously I am naturally supposed to have an hour glass figure so need to just keep working on accepting my body this way.

Please, if you have any advice for me at the moment I would really appreciate it. :)

These are some photos of me at a healthy weight before I got anorexia.

Wednesday weigh in

When I got up this morning, I weighed myself to find that my weight has not changed at all since last Wednesday. How this is even possible while eating more than 3000 calories, I have no idea. All I can say is that I think my metabolism has well and truly come out of starvation mode. I know that I need to increase my inake again but doing this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have had to do since I started my recovery. I do not want to eat anymore then I already am and I actually like the way my body looks and the meal plan I am on.

The fear I have of increasing my intake further and gaining more weight tells me that I am not recovered though, so I know that I need to keep fighting and keep gaining more weight. And if this means eating even more food then I am already eating, then that is exactely what I am going to do. I know that  I should see this as a really positive thing, as if my body has maintained on 3000 calories it means that ALOT of energy has gone to repairing my body which means that I am getting healthier every single day. Also, this means that my metabolism is working properly and all of my body functions are working efficiently.

It is quite funny that my weight gain has stopped at my current weight, as my current bmi is exactely the bmi I was originally aiming to reach in my recovery. Since I made this goal however I have realised that it is important for me to go beyond this bmi. I have realised how important it is for me to reach my bodies natural set point and not just a minimally acceptable bmi. It is almost as if my anorexia is testing me out and trying to convince me to stop gaining weight now. But I am going to show my anorexia that I am strong enough to keep gaining weight. Just because I like my body the way it looks now does not mean I won't be able to like my body when it is a bit heavier as well.

Also, I am starting to get a cold so eating some extra food this week will help me to fight the virus off. I dont really know how I am going to increase my intake further then I already have. My snacks are already huge and so are my main meals. I considered just trying to add in calories whenever I can throughout the day, for example putting extra butter/spread on my toast or bread, puttting extra filling in my sandwhich, adding more milk to my hot chocolates, putting some more icecream on my pudding, adding more sauce to my dinners, having bigger pieces of fruit etc. 

I do not know if these changes will be significant enough or not. I also think it would be good for me to do this as I would not know exactely how many calories I was eating, which would be good as it means I am being forced to let go of some of my control over food. What do you think? Do you think that making these changes are enough, provided that I really do commit to increasing these extras I have with my meals each dayor do you think I should add a whole other food item into my plan? 

My recovery plans

To make any of your goals or dreams come true, I am a firm believer that you need to have a a proper plan in place and this is the same for your recovery goals too. In my experience, just wanting to get better is not enough, you actually need to have a detailed action plan in place so avoid anxiety getting the better of you and causing you to procrastinate in your recovery.

I have already come a long weigh in my recovery and I feel like this is only du to me having a plan of how I would actually recover. This has allowed me to increase my calories to proper recovery amounts and continue to increase them as I have needed to, each time I have failed to gain weight between two consecutive weigh ins. By following my plan I have also stopped counting calories as accurately so I no longer weigh everything I eat. I have challenged myself on various occasions to eat fear foods or to eat foods prepared by others with an unknown number of calories in them, which has also allowed me to get closer to by goal of becoming recovered. 

This is my recovery plan for the future, that will hopefully get me to being fully recovered. I hope to be onto the last couple of steps by the end of this year and to feel fully recovered sometime next year.

-Keep eating my current meal plan (unless I need to increase it again of course) until I am weight restored

-Possibly take out a couple of extras in my meal plan but not very much to begin with perhaps just 100 calories here and there (I wont take out any unless I continue to gain weight)

-Stop restricting my exercise (may start running) as I would like to start doing 5km fun runs for charities (while keeping an eye on my weight to make sure I dont lose any weight)

-maintain my weight using a meal plan for a month or two

-Start trying to teach myself how to eat intuitively (I may just start eating  intuitively for one meal per day, while sticking to my meal plan for my other meals To begin with)

-Learn to trust my hunger cues more and more, so eventually I can eat all of my meals intuitively whilst still maintaining a healthy weight

-If I ever feel like a particular food I will eat it and I will continue to eat 'scary foods' after I am weight restored as I enjoy them (and therefore believe they are good for me ;) )

-Work on learning to love my body, the way it is naturally supposed to be and not have any worries about weight, calories, or what I SHOULD or NEED to eat

My weight gain so far

Today has been an ok day considering my anorexic thoughts have been quite strong and this is because I spent it with my gorgeous little sister. I love spending time with Amy as she has the ability to cheer me up and distract me from any anorexic thoughts I may be having. So even though I felt more self conscious about how my body is changing today then I have in a long time, I also laughed more than I have in a long time as well, which I am grateful for.

These pictures are of Amy playing outside in the gale force winds we had today. She almost got blown away.

I have been pleasantly surprised by how well I have dealt with my weight gain in my recovery so far and I honestly think that this is just because my mind has recovered as I gained the weight. Because I had such a distorted body image when I was at my sickest, I actually saw myself very similarily to what I now see myself, with my less distorted body image. Of course my Anorexia was still angry whenever I got on the scales and saw I had gained weight, but the weight gain hasnt been anywhere near as obvious to me as I thought it would be, when I look at my body.

Up until now, I havent actually felt that much bigger then I always have, even though I have gained almost 8 kilograms from my lowest weight. Now however I am starting to notice differences in my body and it is really hard. I need to get used to the fact that I am not always going to be the skinniest girl in the room anymore and that I may need to buy an item of clothing, not necessarily in its smallest size. I know that these things do not say anything about who I am as a person and there are much more important things in life that I should be focusing on, but it is still going to be difficult to adjust to my changing body.

Even though I am starting to feel quite self conscious about my weight gain, I am determined to keep gaining weight until I am sure I am properly weight restored. When I first started my recovery, I had the goal of getting to a bmi of 18 which I have practically reached now. My anorexia would love me to stop gaining weight now, which is exactly why I know I need to keep eating recovery amounts. Deep down I know that I havent nourished my body and mind for the amount of time it needs in order to properly heal. I could stop my recovery now but this would mean that I would remain in a half recovered state, which is not something I want at all. I am determined to fully recover and refuse to settle for anything less.

Your goal weight should be your bodies natural set point

When I first started to recover, my recovery goal weight was the weight I would be when I reached a bmi of 18.5. I new that a bmi of between 18.5 and 25 was classified as normal or not underweight, therefore believed that as long as I had a bmi of 18.5, I would be healthy. I now know that this is not necessarily the case.

My new goal is to reach my bodies natural set point as it is only at this weight, my body will be able to function properly and healthily, allowing me to have a healthy relationship with food.  I honestly have no idea what my natural body weight is anymore but I am 99% sure it would not occur at a bmi if exactly 18.5. 

I found the following article from the Recovery Warriors website incredibly interesting and it allowed me to realise just why you shouldnt aim to get to a minimally acceptable bmi. As explained in the article, if you are completely unwilling to go any higher than what is considered to be the minimum weight in your healthy bmi range, this is an indication that you still are not recovered.

In order to truly recovery, you need to stop fighting for a body that isn't yours. Instead you must learn to love and accept your body for what it naturally is.

 LET GO OF THE PERFECT BODY AND TRUST YOUR SET POINT WEIGHT

Restoring physical health and reaching a healthy weight is the first priority in eating disorder treatment, being it a prerequisite for psychological treatment. While the approach is straightforward, many people recovering from an eating disorder experience gaining weight as one of the most frightening parts of the process. Often, treatment professionals determine a healthy target weight by taking into account growth charts and BMI guidelines. This number can be considered as the lowest acceptable weight within the healthy range. Why is the use of static guidelines and target weights problematic?

As a ratio using weight and height BMI doesn’t consider body composition, age and genetics. Achieving a healthy weight in recovery is important, there is no doubt about that. The problem lies in the way target weight is determined. It’s tempting to believe that reaching a target goal weight implies being at a healthy state. I remember myself being confronted with a target weight set by my doctor and dietitian. Not only I became obsessed with focusing on weight gain and the number on the scale, I also considered it as a maximum weight acceptable for me, which logically just fueled my eating disordered way of thinking and reasoning.

The truth is, there is no pre-determined number that can define your health, nor your most optimal weight. Like each individual eating disorder is unique and calls for a personalized treatment plan, so does each body. Your body has an optimal set point weight. This is the weight where it reaches optimal health. In most cases, the set point weight differs from the target goal weight, holding many people recovering back from full recovery when trying to maintain their unhealthy target weight. This is something many people in recovery struggle with, since how do you know your set point weight? Do you need to eat less once you reach your target goal weight? What if weight gain doesn’t stop?

How do you know your set point weight?

A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.

The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.

Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.

You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.

When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.

This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.

In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body!

Good Morning

Good Morning everyone :)

After waking up in a fantastic mood I was delighted to see that my weight gain is right back on track. My weight is up 800g from what it was exactly one week ago which means I am right on my target of 100g gain per day. Of course there is still the part of me that is dissapointed with the weight gain but the real me is happy and that is all that matters. I am not going to let my anorexia take this victory away from me.

Now I come to think about it, I think that my weight loss may have been due to having a huge night sweat the night before while I was sleeping (gross I know) but this would explain why I weighed less that morning, because I was probably just dehydrated. So I probably didnt need to make the calorie increase I did but I am going to keep the changes anyway, as I am enjoying them and the extra energy isnt going to do me any harm. It just means there is a little extra energy available that my body can use to repair.

My morning oats taste so different when I make them with just milk. They are so creamy and delicious. This is a photo of my breakfast this morning. I also tried the new Kraft Honey nut spread and loved it. I think it was even nicer than the other brand I have previously been eating (if that is even possible, haha).

I am working at the supermarket all day today which shoukd be ok and then I have a day off work tomorrow, which will be even better. I am so glad things seemed to have turned around a little bit for me. It really does prove that if you push through the hard times, you are rewarded with some good times. Keep fighting everyone! :)

Day 10: list 5 goal you have for yourself (they may be long term or short term)

1. To not give into my anorexia or listen to anything it tells me

In order to recover, I know that I cant listen to any of my anorexic thoughts. Everytime you listen tonyour anorexia you are making it stronger and yourself weaker. Unfortunatel I cannot choose to stop myself getting these anorexic thoughts but I do have the ability to ignore them. My goal is to do the complete opposite of anything my anorexia tells me to do and I will try to not let my anorexia make me feel awful about myself. Eventually, if I continue to ignore my anorexic voice it will fade away and dissappear all together.

2. To reach a normal bmi (above 18.5)

Reaching a minimally acceptable bmi is a short term goal of mine but not my ultimate weight gain goal. I want my body and mind to be healthy and strong and since I did not have a bmi of 18.5 before I got sick, so I think I will need to continue gaining some weight after this point to ensure my body is able to repair properly.

3. To continue to gain weight until I reach my bodies natural set point
Your body will only be able to work optimally at its natural set point which is the weight I want to reach. I dont want to spend my life dieting or trying to fight for a body that isn't supposed to be mine. I honestly dont know what my bodies natural set point is yet but I will do my best to figure it out. Both of my parents are thin people so I dont think it would be incredibely high but I just want to be healthy and happy.

4. To learn how to eat intuitively

After reaching a bmi of 18.5 my goal is to start trying to eat intuitively. For those who dont know, eating intuitively involves listening to your body and allowing your body to tell you what and how much to eat. This will allow me to stop counting calories and allow me to develop a much healthier ralationship with food. I dont plan on changing over to eating completely intuitively from my meal plan in a single day but to do it really gradually, so that I can slowly teach myself how to trust and listen to my body effectively. If I learn to eat intuitively and am fit and healthy, my body weight should settle around my natural set point.

5. To learn to love my new body
I know that it will be hard for me to accept my new body weight. The truth is, I like being thin (or my anorexia likes it anyway) and at times I know I will feel uncomfortable about my new weight. I am determined however to learn how to cope with these types of feelings without trying to lose weight, so I can accept myself for who I am. I know that the healthier I become mentally and physically, the more easily I will find it to accept my new body.

I think that having goals in recovery is incredibely important and helpful. Feel free to comment some goals you have set yourself and are currently working on below :).

My goal weight

*please note. I have not talked about exact weights in this post but I have talked about bmi so if you think this may be triggering, skip this post :)

Today I got asked a really important question by a reader and thought it would be a good idea to write a post on the topic. The question was; 

I have got a question. When you write about a healthy bmi - which one are you thinking about? 18, 19, 20? :) i think there are different opinions about what is a healthy weight.

To be completely honest, while planning my weight gain throughout my recovery so far I have considered reaching a bmi of 18.5 as reaching a healthy weight as this is when I would no longer be classified as underweight. Since being asked this question however I am starting to remember back to my time in hospital when my doctor said that a healthy bmi for a recovered anorexic was atleast 20. I dont think I can really tell now what a healthy recovered weight will be for me and I may need to wait until I reach it before knowing that I am both mentally and physically healthy.

So I suppose you could say that the weight I will be at when my bmi is 18.5 is my FIRST goal weight or MINIMUM goal weight. After reaching this point I am very aware that I will most likely need to continue gaining weight.  Genetically, I am a thin person, just like both my parents and my GP has said that she thinks I need to get to xx kilograms (which is equivelent to a bmi if 18.5 for me).

I found the following information here and thought it explained the way doctors determine initial goal weight really well. 

A variety of factors go into deciding the target weight and range. Often, physicians will consult pediatric growth charts to determine a reasonable weight based on the individual’s height and age. These charts are important for revealing growth patterns and may show a tendency for the person suffering from the illness to be similar to a particular percentile within the population. Further consideration is given to lowest and highest weights the person has achieved within the last several months, as well as their growth and weight throughout their life. Also, they will look at the person’s body type, and the body types found within their family. “We note the height and size of her mother and the age at onset of menses in the mother and female siblings. We also note the patient’s growth and weight curve from the time of birth,” notes Dr. Katherine Halmi of Cornell University Medical College.

Becoming completely weight restored for me will not be when I reach this minimally acceptable bmi but when I reach my natural set point. At this weight I know that I will be physically healthy as my body will be able to work optimally. 

I would like to thank the reader who asked me this question as it has reminded me that reaching a minimally acceptable bmi does not constitute becoming weight restored. It has reminded me that while reaching this bmi may be an acceptable short term goal, my real goal should be to get my weight back to MY natural set point. Once I am satisfied that I have reached my optimum set point my plan is to stop counting calories and following a set meal plan and learn how to eat intuitively. 

For anyone who doesnt know what intuitive eating is, it is the concept of eating based upon what your body tells you it wants. I have read a fair bit about intuitive eating and believe that it is the best way to live a happy and healthy life. It requires you to have a lot of trust in your body as you need to listen to your body at all times without ever restricting. If you would like to read more about intuitive eating click here.

I found the following information from here really helpful to help determine what you natural set point is;

How do you know your set point weight?

A huge fear for people recovering from an eating disorder is to let go of control. Exercising control used to be the way to cope with difficult situations and negative emotions and in recovery you have to let that go. Focusing on a target goal weight reduces anxiety and fear because you “know where you’re heading”.

The truth is, after years of destructive eating habits, you can’t know upfront what your set point is, but in most cases it isn’t the lowest weight in the so-called healthy range. Depending on your age, you could only make a rough estimation by looking to your weight before your eating disorder.

Physiological speaking, there is only a small number of people whose set point weight corresponds with a BMI of exactly 20. In order to fully recover, you need to let go of the weight you consider acceptable. From my own experience I know this isn’t easy, but you can trust the wisdom of your body. At some point, your weight stabilizes at its most optimal weight. This isn’t a specific number, but a range in which your body genetically wants to be and gravitates towards, even when you have celebrated the holidays with elaborated dinners or when you spend an evening with a pint of your favorite ice cream.

You will know when you’re on your set point weight when all body functions are restored and your menstrual cycle has returned. However, return of menstruation is not always indicating you reached your optimal weight. When you can eat in an unrestricted way, without rules or compensatory behaviors and your weight remains stable, you’ve reached your set point weight.

When you change your diet when reaching a pre-determined target weight your body doesn’t get the chance to fully recover, restore deficits and reach your set point weight. I’ve been in the stage of partial recovery for years by maintaining the lowest acceptable weight set by my therapists while simultaneously pretending to be recovered. A combination which can never work. I was convinced the weight gain would never stop, holding me back from going the extra mile.

This is a fear many people in remission struggle with. Is it realistic? No! When you don’t change your food intake and continue to re-feed, allowing your body to recover and restore your metabolism, it will stabilize when it reaches its optimal weight.

In some cases, your body may need to overshoot its set point weight in order to return to a normal fat mass to fat-free mass ratio. However, this is only temporarily and will go away when all is restored. Be patient and trust your body.