Eating healthily and exercising

A common misconception is that people who eat healthily and work out want to lose weight. I have received various different comments over the last couple of months about what I eat and the exercise I do. People say things like 'you dont have to go to the gym, you are already skinny' or 'why do you only eat healthy foods, you dont need to lose weight.' 

What these people fail to realise is that I dont eat healthily or exercise because I am trying to lose weight. In fact I am actually trying to gain weight at the moment. I do these things however because I love and respect my body and want to keep it healthy and strong. 

Eating healthy foods does NOT necessarily cause weightloss if you are still getting enough calories. It just means that the foods you eat nourish your body and make you feel more energetic, instead of harming your body and making you feel lethargic and slugish.

Similarily, exercise does NOT lead to weight loss as long as you are fueling your body with enough energy. The health benefits of being physically active are endless and include things like disease prevention and more efficient respiratory, cardiovascular and metabolic functioning. As well as improving your physical health, exercise also has the ability to improve mental health.

I suppose an important question to ask yourself if you have had an eating or exercise disorder before is 'why am I exercising?' or 'why do I eat healthily?' If the honest answer is because you enjoy these things and want to nourish your body and allow it to be healthy and strong, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be doing these things. 

If however your honest answer to these questions are more 'disordered' reasons, then I would question whether you should be eating healthily or exercising, as doing these things will most likely be destructive to you and your mental health.

Calorie intake calculators

A very important thing to know is that you CANT always listen to reccommended daily intakes. They are usually not accurate and often underestimate how much energy your body needs. For the point of this exercise I put my details into various calculators which all returned very different results.

 FYI 10272 kilojoules = 2455 calories

As you can see some of the calculators stated I only need to eat about 1900 to maintain my weight. However I have lost weight eating that amount in the past which means it is obviously not enough for me. In saying that, I usually dont eat as much as 2500 calories each day either which is what another calculator suggested.

The point I am trying to make is that everybody is different and no calculator can accurately tell you exactly how many calories you need each day. Also, your body will not use the exact same number of calories each day. Some days you will need more or less energy, which is when listening to your body really becomes important.

If a doctor or dietician tells you how much you should be eating then I highly reccommend that you follow there advice. Ideally you wont count calories at all but if like me you do, please dont listen to these types of online calculators as they really aren't accurate.

You may find that you need to experiment for a while to see how much food your body truly needs by looking at your patterns of weight loss/maintenence/gain and also your energy levels and hunger. :)

Life is way too short to always go for the lower calorie option

Something I have realised in my recovery, is that like really is way to short to only ever eat fat free or low caorie products, jut because your eating disorder tells you that you should. Thr truth is, I think that free yoghurt tasted terible so nevereat in anymore. In fact, my favourite sort of yoghurt i the full fat type that I comfortably eat reglarly. Now I am so much heathier I look back and ask myself why did I eat something I didn't even like for so long. Since becoming so much healthier, I only ever eat things if I realy love them (which incluudes most foods haha) and I love and enjoy food now more then I ever have before!

Yesterday morning I went to make my usual bowl of oats to have with my toast but I was really dissappointed to find that the milk had expired and I couldn't use it. I decided to make my oats with water instead of milk as this is always how I used to eat then whilst I was sick and I was shocked by just how awful they tasted.  They were testeless and also had a awful consistency, which reminded me a bit of clag glue. Even when I added some extra berries to try and make them a bit more flavoursome, they still tasted awful. So never again will I be eating oats prepared with water, as they really are gross!

Once again, looking back I still can't believe that I ate those awful oats so much when I was sick and am so glad that I put other things before calories when making food choices now, like what I feel like and enjoy most. Every food option I ever made was based upon number of calories and fat content once, but now none of them are and it feels great. I know now that I dont have to choose salad with dressing on the side everytime I go out to a restaurant and instead I can order something I love like chicken schnitzel with chips and salad or even a ceasar salad.

So please, dont waste any more of your life eating the 'safe' option if there are other things that you could be eating and that you enjoy much more. Once you make the change and start eating the foods that you truy love, instead of just the things that your norexia makes you eat, I assure you that you will have a much better relationshipp with food and it will makee you feel great! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to foods you love or making your food taste better by adding things like milk, oil, sauce or sugar. Yes, this may add some calories but those calories cant hurt you and it is well worth it if it means you will enjoy your food even more!

Current eating plans

At the moment, I am still continuing to eat 6 meals per day and I am also eating atleast 2500 calories per day as I believe that this is a sufficient amount for me to maintain on. I am now however also trying to take the first few steps towards eating intuitively. For me this involves starting to try and listen to my body more instead of just eating routinely as I have been doing for the last few years.

This will mean eating a little extra sometimes if I am feeling particularly hungry (although I will never eat less then 2500 calories per day). This will also mean eating whenever I feel hungry and not waiting for set meal times. I believe if I start listening to my body a little more again now, this will make it much easier when I start trying to eat completely intuitively.

My Breakfast, Lunch and Tea from today;

Berry Oats with Cashew Butter on toast

1 pear, 1 berry greek yoghurt and 2 crumpets with cream cheese

Beef and tomato ravioli with extra mixed vegetables

I have also started reading a book called 'Eat' that will hopefully help me to regain a healthy relationship with food and to start eating freely and intuitively again. I will let you all know if I read anything in the book that I find particularly helpful or interesting.

I also think that starting to eat intuitively is really important for me as this is the best way for me to find out whether I have reached my natural set point weight or not. While I think I have reached a healthy weight for me, I can not be sure until my weight stays the same for a reasonable amount of time whilst eating competely intuitively. 

I hope that I have reached my natural set point weight as I actually dont mind my body the way it currently is. In saying this however, if I am still yet to reach my natural set point weight I know that gaining more weight is what I need to do as making a full recovery from anorexia will be impossible otherwise. AND I SIMPLY REFUSE TO STOP FIGHTING UNTIL I HAVE MADE A FULL RECOVERY!

Ways to increase your calorie intake

In recovery, you will most likely need to increase your calories at various stages so that you are able to continue gaining weight. This can be really hard, especially if you need to increase your calories when you already feel as though you are eating too much. In my experience, eating huge volumes of food can make you feel really uncomfortable and sick. I also find that feeling uncomfortably full makes me feel extra guilty as it is a constant reminder of all the food I have just eaten.

Just because you need to increase your calories does not mean you need to eat significantly larger volumes of food. You just need to substitute the foods you are currently eating with foods with a higner calorie density. For example eating 2 slices of toast with jam and peanut butter will not make you feel much fuller then eating two slices of toast with only jam, however adding the peanut butter can increase the total number of calories by more than 50%.

Since fat is the macronutrient with the highest calorie density, any foods high in fat will help you to eat more calories without eating more food. You should always try and buy full fat products and avoid low fat options if you need to increase your calorie intake. You dont necessarily need to eat unhealthy fats, there are lots of foods that contain healthy fats as well which have a high calorie density. Nuts are a wonderful food to eat while recovering as they are so high in calories and not too filling. For example a handfull of mixed nuts (1/4 cup) can contain the same amount of calories as 3 whole apples or 7 whole carrots.

If you want to increase your calories without eating anymore, you also have the option to replace any water you drink throughout the day with other drinks like juice, milkshakes or hot chocolate. 

While I am still quite comfortable eating my current volume of food, I do not think that I would want to eat any more then I already am in terms of volume. Instead if I ever need to increase my calories again (which I most likely will need to do), I will just change what I eat.

-At the moment I use half a cup of milk and a quarter of a cup of water to make my oats each morning, I can change this so I only add milk but more of it. 

-Instead of eating 4 serves of fruit per day, I can substitute some of this fruit for nuts and even dried fruit. 

-I can replace my Up and Go meal supplement drink with a higher calorie alternative like ensure.

At the moment I dont necessarily eat the highest calorie versions of each food available. While this doesnt matter at the moment as I am still getting enough calories in, I could always look for higher calorie versions of the foods I eat daily. Generally there are always higher calories options available if you look hard for them. For example I could try and find higher calorie puddings, muffins/cakes, icecream, bread, dairy desserts, milk and yoghurt etc.

At the moment the hot chocolates I have are just sachet ones that are designed to have boiling water added to them. While I love how my hot chocolates currently taste, if I find I need to increase my calories I can always start adding milk to them instead of water. I can also start drinkng glasses of juice with my main meals instead of water.

These are just a few of the ways I plan to increase my calories when necessary but there are many more too. If anyone would like to share any other tips for increasing calories, feel free to comment below. :)

The following video explains how different foods can have very different calorie densities. Don't watch this if you get triggered by seeing the calorie contents of food but I found this really interesting and informative. It may help you to see that eating more calories doesnt necessarily need to involve eating a greater volume of food.

What I ate today

Breakfast: Nutella on toast, vanilla and blueberry oats and 1 small sliced banana

My increased morning tea: up and Go, small apple and 1 slice of cream filled lamington sponge roll

Lunch: 2 crumpets with butter and vegemite, 1 orange snd 1 vanilla Snak pack dairy dessert

afternoon Tea: Stewed apple and rhubarb with vanilla yoghurt and 1 packet of MnMs

Tea: barbequed porterhouse steak with vegetables

Dessert: Stewed peaches, butterscotch pudding and vanilla icecream

Supper: 1 honeycomb flavoured hot chocolate

Sunday weigh in and altered meal plan

I weighed myself again this morning as it has been over half a week since I last weighed myself and once again was shocked to see I hadnt gained anymore weight. While I feel as though I am getting much bigger and I can see physical differences in myself, it doesnt seem to be trsnlating to the scales. Obviously my anorexia is still trying to get me to see my body through distorted eyes but I wont let this change the progress I am making in my recovery. I know I cant trust my anorexia in any eay.

My weight gain has looked liked this so far:
* I have substituted the first number with an X so you see how much weight I have gained without seeing my actual weight just incase you find that triggering.

22/4 (Wed)
X3.8 kg
(Increased intake)

26/4 (Sun)
X4.2 kg
(Increased intake)

30/4 (Wed)
X4.7 kg

3/5 (Sun)
X4.5 kg
(Increased intake)

6/5 (Wed)
X5.0 kg

10/5 (Sun)
X4.9 kg
(Increased intake)

I would like to just wait and see if I gain weight between now and Wednesday before increasing my intake again but I know that this would mean giving into my anorexia, afterall it is my anorexia telling me I dont want to increase my intake again. The real me knows that while i am managing to make some progress with my weight gain, I am not gaining weight at a fast enough rate.

So once again I know I must increase my calories, as it is the right thing for me and my recovery. I am going to add a small piece of fruit to my morning tea each day for example a mandarin, kiwi fruit or some dried apricots. I have also increased my dessert portion so that it alone now contains the same amount of energy as my other snacks and my hot chocolate is just an extra. Before now my dessert and hot chocolate together contained the same amount of calories as my others snacks.

So I have made two small changes to my old meal plan which has once again increased my overall daily intake. My updated plan is as follows;

Breakfast

~1 sachet of Uncle Toby's flavoured oats prepared with 1/2 Cup of milk and

topped with 1 small apple/banana

~2 slices of wholemeal toast with extra thickly spread nut butter

Morning Tea

~1 large serving of cake (i.e. lamington, muffin, slice)

~1 Up and Go meal supplement drink
~ 1 small piece of fruit (mandarin, kiwi fruit or dried apricots)

Lunch

~1 sandwich made with 2 slices of wholemeal bread, butter, protein (i.e. thickly cut belgium, ham or cheese) and Thickly spread tomato Relish

~1 dairy Dessert (i.e. Lerice creamed rice, Danone full fat yoghurt, Custard Snak Pack)

~1 large serving of fruit (i.e. 1 large Banana, 1 cup of grapes, 1 large pear)

Afternoon Tea

~ Chocolate bar (Picnic, Violet crumble, Kit Kat)

~ fruit (Apple, orange)

~ 1 Just juice fruit juice

or

~Chocolate bar (Twirl, Time Out, Aero)

~Vanilla yoghurt

~1 tub of apple puree, stewed rhubarb or sultanas

or

~Nut bar

~Fruit Tub

~2 sweet biscuits (anzacs, custard creams, choc chip cookies)

Tea

~Meat (chicken, fish, silverside, Duck, Venison) or casserole

~Mashed potato

~Vegetables

~Sauce

or

~Large serving of pasta or rice

~Vegetables

Dessert

~1 large serve of Pudding (i.e. Lemon, chocolate, sticky date) or 1 hot apple pie

~2 large scoops of vanilla icecream

Supper

~1 hot chocolate

What do you think of my meal plan? Do you think it is well balanced and adequate?Also, do you think it is a good idea to weigh myself twise a week as I am currently doing or would it be better for me to just do it weekly?

A small set back

Since it has been just over half a week since I last weighed myself I thought it would be a good idea to weigh myself this morning to make sure I am still on track with my weight gain. I wasn't as nervous about stepping on the scale as I was last time because of how well I handled my last weight gain and I was so sure I would still be gaining weight. I was extremely shocked to see that I hadnt gained any weight at all. In fact according to my scales I had actually lost 200g. I stepped off the scale and re-weighed my self in the hope that my scale had just given me an inaccurate reading but unfortunately I continued to get the exact same result. 

I dont think I have actually lost real body weight as I have been eating so much and small weight fluctuations are to be expected from day to day but it is obvious that I have not gained any weight either. I was incredibely dissapointed and felt like I had failed myself as well as my readers. I thought about what i have done differently over the past 4 days and soon realised that I haven't done anything differently at all. I ate just as much as I did the week before when I gained half a kilo and if anything, I have been less active. 

Yes, it is unfortunate that I haven't gained any weight over the past 4 days but it isn't because I have done anything wrong, therefore I should not punish myself for it. In fact I should be proud of myself for the way I have decided to take action and increase my calories again right now. 

I could have listened to my anorexia when it tried to convince me to wait until Wednesday, which is the day I usually weigh myself and decide whether I need to increase my intake for the next week. Or I could have believed my anorexia when it tried to tell me that my scale must be broken as I was definetely looking fatter. But I didn't. Instead I reminded myself about how much I want to recover, which I cant do unless I gain more weight. 

I am guessing that the  reason I haven't gained weight so far this week even though I am eating the same as what I did last week when I did gain weight is that I am experiencing hypermetabolism. Hypermetabolism is very common in recovery and literally just means that your resting metabolic rate significantly increases as you start eating more. I am quite confident that I am experiencing this as the most common symptom of this is feeling sensitive to the heat which I definetely am experiencing at the moment. Prior to now I have always felt very cold, even on nice days but now I feel as though I am overheating all the time even when its cold and I seem to be sweating more then usual as well.

 It is important that we all remember that hypermetabolism is a relatively normal part of anorexia revovery and that we cant stop it from happening. All we can do is make sure we increase our intakes accordingly so that we continue gaining weight. The meal I plan on increasing is my dessert. This meal is my smallest meal so It makes sence to increase it so that it is the same size as my other two snacks. From now on instead of just having dessert which I will add an extra serving of icecream or custard to, I will also have a hot chocolate for supper just before going to bed.

While I want to set a good example for all those people out there who read my blog and who are trying to recover, I know I cant expect my recovery to run perfectly smoothly either. Afterall, expecting myself to be perfect all the time is one of the things I need to overcome as I recover. I want to be completely honest with you all which is why I shared this little bit of not so good news with you. There is no point in me making recovery look easy, because it simply isn't. Sharing my struggles and setback will hopefully be helpful to you anyway, as it gives me a chance to explain how I managed to get past them and continue on my fight.

New meal plan

Breakfast
~1 sachet of Uncle Toby's flavoured oats prepared with 1/2 Cup of milk and
topped with 1 small apple/banana
~2 slices of wholemeal toast with extra thickly spread nut butter

Morning Tea
~1 large serving of cake (i.e. lamington, muffin, slice)
~1 Up and Go meal supplement drink

Lunch
~1 sandwich made with 2 slices of wholemeal bread, butter, protein (i.e. thickly cut belgium, ham or cheese) and Thickly spread tomato Relish
~1 dairy Dessert (i.e. Lerice creamed rice, Danone full fat yoghurt, Custard Snak Pack)
~1 large serving of fruit (i.e. 1 large Banana, 1 cup of grapes, 1 large pear)

Afternoon Tea
~ Chocolate bar (Picnic, Violet crumble, Kit Kat)
~ fruit (Apple, orange)
~ 1 Just juice fruit juice
or
~Chocolate bar (Twirl, Time Out, Aero)
~Vanilla yoghurt
~1 tub of apple puree or sultanas
or
~Nut bar
~Fruit Tub
~2 sweet biscuits (anzacs, custard creams)

Tea
~Meat (chicken, fish, silverside, Duck, Venison) or casserole
~Mashed potato
~Vegetables
~Sauce
or
~Large serving of pasta or rice
~Vegetables

Dessert
~Pudding (i.e. Lemon, chocolate, sticky date)
~2 scoops of Vanilla icecream
or
~1 tub of vanilla custard and (Peaches or apple)
~Honey comb hot chocolate with milk

Dessert tonight (hot lemon pudding and icecream)

Increasing my intake again

Usually I wait until Saturdays before weighing myself and then increase my calories if I have not gained any weight but today (Wednesday) I decided to increase my intake a few days early. I was doing some reading online this morning while doing some research for a blog post and came across the suggested intake for recovering anoerexics.

The site stated that I neded to be eating a minimum of 2500-3000 calories if I am sedentry to gain weight and provide my body with sufficient energy to recover. While I have been eating within this range, I am not completely sedentry as I walk my dog a couple of times per day (something which is unavoidable) so deep down knew I should be eating even more.

I have read articles with these figures many times before and have just presumed that somehow I was an exception and that I was eating enough. Today however I felt different when I read these facts. Suddenly I realised that I was not eating enough and that I still need to be eating more.

This morning I weighed myself and saw that I still have not gained any weight, even after increasing my calories on Saturday. I began to worry about what I would write on my blog if I failed to gain weight again this week. I don't want people reading my blog to think that I am not actually serious about recovery so I want to prove to everyone, including myself that I want to and can gain weight.

I could have waited until Saturday to make another calorie intake increase but what would be the point in that? Something else I read this morning by some recovered anorexics is that once they were recovered, they wished that they had gained the weight more quickly instead of taking so long to become weight restored. I have already wasted so much time being underweight and if I am going to become weight restored, I may as well gain the weight sooner rather then later.

While it was good that I made the increase on Saturday, today I felt ready and strong enough to make a more sifnificant increase. Today I increased my calorie intake by a further 250 calories and I am excited about the new plan I have created ( If you want I can post my new meal plan in a separate post). I am confident that I will be able to gain weight on this new intake and I actually feel pretty good about it. I can't believe how rationly and clearly I am able to think at the moment.

People have always told me that no one else can really make someone suffering from anorexia recover, except for the sufferer themselves. For someone with anorexia to recover, they need to be ready and decide that they want to get better. I can now say that I completely agree with this and that I think this break through moment has finally happened for me. For the first time, I really do want to gain weight and I really do want to recover. All of a sudden I can see a light at the end of the tunnnel and I feel as though recovery is possible.

food is my medicine

As I was trying to pack all of the food I eat throughout the day into my lunch box this morning, I soon realised that it just wasn't possible. This made me think about how much more food I seem to eat then everybody else. The thing is, I do eat alot more then everybody else but I know better then to let that bother me.

The thing I always try to remember is that food is my medicine. It is the thing that will make me healthy and strong. Someone suffering from diabetes wouldn't deny themselves of insulin just because normal people dont have to have insulin shots. Just as a cancer patient wouldn't not have chemotherapy because others around them weren't. Who cares what other people eat. They may not need to eat large quantities of food but people recovering from anorexia do.

Please, try to stay strong when you feel as though you are eating a lot. Dont feel guilty, but proud of yourself for giving your body what it needs.

And if you have the same problem as me and cant fit all your food in your lunch box, dont chose to eat any less, just buy yourself a bigger lunch box ;)

I believe meal plans are helpful

Having a meal plan has really helped me in my recovery and I would reccommend atleast trying to stick to a meal plan for anyone working on recovering from an eating disorder. If you try it and it doesn't work for you, that's fine, but I would at least give it a go as I don't think I could have progressed anywhere near as far as I have into my recovery without one. 

Since going on to a meal plan I have become less obsessed with the exact numbers of calories I am eating and no longer feel compelled to weigh all of my food. For example I do not feel as though I need to weigh each slice of bread that I have toasted for breakfast anymore. Sometimes the bread may be a little thinner, sometimes a little thicker but it really doesn't matter. Now I just see it for what it is, two slices of bread. When I spread nut butter on my toast of a morning, I no longer feel the need to weigh out the right amount of spread. I just spread it straight on until it is the thickness I like it. I dont know how many calories are in the nut butter I use and that doesn't bother me anymore. I just tell myself that I am doing the right thing as I am following my meal plan and this stops me feeling guilty for food choices I make.

My meal plan has allowed each meal to become more about the different food items I am eating instead of just the number of calories. Instead of thinking, 'I need to eat 2200 kJ at lunch time today,' I think 'what protein will I have in my sandwhich, what dairy dessert do I feel like and what big serving of fruit do I want for my lunch today?' Before I went on my meal plan, I literally felt like each thing I ate was just a number, now by following a meal plan I feel as though I am eating food that will provide my body with the energy It needs. I still know the approximate number of calories I eat but finally understand that it is not necessary to calculate my intake exactely.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about food when I didn't have a meal plan. I could change my mind up to 10 times during the morning about what I wanted for lunch and this indecisiveness made me feel very anxious, allowing my anorexic thoughts to get stronger. I don't think about food anywhere near as much as I used to as I know what I will be eating for each meal. The reason I avoided going onto a meal plan for so long is because I though I would get really bored eating the same foods all the time but this definetely has not been the case. Meal plans do not need to be boring or 'set in stone.'

Make sure you include foods you really like and foods that are not too specific. For example, for morning tea I used to have some type of cake and some fruit. Sometimes I would have an apple and a lamington, other days I would have a chocolate muffin and two peaches. Now since increasing my meal plan I have some type of cake and an Up and Go. There are 5 flavours of Up and Go's and I enjoy all of them so I don't think I will get sick of them as long as I have different flavours. I honestly would get sick of eating the exact same foods for morning tea every single day but you don't need to do that while following a meal plan. Good meal plans have some flexibility.

Just because you typically stick to a meal plan does not mean that you can not eat something different if you feel like it. For example, even though I usually have a chocolate bar and a piece of fruit for Afternoon Tea nearly every day, sometimes I feel like something different. For example, I might have a tub of yoghurt instead of the fruit or I might have a nut bar instead of a chocolate bar if I feel like it. If I ever feel like something different then what is on my meal plan I have no problem with substituting foods as long as they will provide my body with approximately the same amount of energy as my usual food option would have. For example it obviously would not be acceptable to substitute the chocolate bar for another portion of fruit.

I have been able to increase my intake significantly since starting my meal plan and am eating more each day then I ever have in my life. I don't get as guilty or anxious about eating as I did before going on my meal plan as I feel as though I am eating exactely what I am supposed to. I no longer have the chance to beat myself up over food choices I make as I just follow my plan. Everytime I dont gain the amount of weight I need to, I find it so easy to just add another food item to one of my meals on my plan. This makes it easier for me to accept the increase and to continue eating the greater amount as I quickly become comfortable with the new food when I eat it everyday.

So these are the reasons why having a meal plan has been really helpful in my recovery. Please feel free to comment and share your opinion or experience of meal plans in recovery. :)

My weekly weigh in

It is exactly one week since I weighed myself and increased my calorie intake so I knew that I had to weigh myself again this morning to see if I had gained weight. I was feeling really hopeful as I have been reaching my new calorie goal everyday and have not been compensating in anyway.  I stepped on the scales and was very dissappointed to see I weighed exactely the same as I did one week ago. Firstly, I felt bad about myself, like I had let myself down. After thinking about it for a while I realised that I wasn't really being fair to myself.

The truth is, although I didn't gain weight this week, I still made progress in my recovery. I still managed to reach my new calorie goal every single day. I probably ate more calories in the past week than I have in any other week of my life and this is something I should be proud of. Sure, it would have been better if I had gained weight but atleast now I know that my body needs even more food to continue repairing. I am not going to let this dissapointment get me down, I am just going to keep fighting which is all I can do. I am quite used to eating big portions and I can currently eat all of my meals without feeling too full or uncomfortable afterwards. While it is nice to be able to eat all of my meals comfortably, I know that recovery wasn't ever supposed to be easy and if eating even bigger portions and making myself feel a little uncomfortable is what I need to do to gain the required weight, then that is what I will do.  

I know that I eat a lot of fruit throughout the day and while I enjoy it and fruit is really good for you, I am planning on substituting one of my serves of fruit with a higher calorie option. Usually for Morning Tea I have some fruit as well as some type of cake (muffin, lamington or slice). From now on I plan to to still have the cake but instead of having fruit with it I will have an Up and Go meal replacemet drink. I love fruit and enjoy eating lots of it each day but considering I generally have it as a part of my breakfast, lunch, afternoon Tea and dessert as well, I shouldn't miss it too much. I think 4 serves of fruit a day, is still plenty ;).

While it is good to eat fear foods in recovery and they can help you to gain weight, I also like to eat healthy foods with them. That is why I have generally always had a sweeter more 'unhealthy' option like cake or a chocolate bar along side a piece of fruit. It was my way of eating a large number of calories while still eating a relatively balanced diet. This is why I also eat lots of vegetables and lots of dairy products which are rich in calcium. I think It is important that I give my body all of the vitamins and minerals that it needs so that it can be repaired, as well as just lots of energy in the form of calories. 

I don't feel really extremely scared about once again increasing my calorie intake and I think that it is because after being underweight for so long, I am finally ready to recover. I know that it's not going to be easy and once I start getting closer to my goal weight I will feel more and more uncomfortable with my body but I am determined not to give up. I deserve to be free of Anorexia and enjoy my life. Up until now, I haven't felt as though I was strong enough to recover but now I do. Blogging has really helped me to find the extra strength inside of me that I needed to really kick anorexias arse, and that is exactely what I plan to do!

Recovery won't just happen

So I weighed myself this morning and I still haven't gained any weight which shocks me because I feel like I am eating so much.  I have had a cold for the last week or so which could explain why I haven't gained weight as your body uses extra energy when you are sick but I know that I can't just use this as an excuse. It is making excuses like these for myself not gaining weight which has made me stay underweight for so long and I know I can't continue to do this to myself. I am still getting used to eating the extra amount since my last calorie increase and the thought of having to increase again scares me but I know I dont have a choice. If I want to recover I need to fight my anorexia and make it happen.

I really enjoy the meal plan I am currently following so dont want to change what it is I am eating for each meal so my only option is to add something extra to my plan. My smallest meal of the day is supper (dessert) so this is where I plan to make the increase. I would prefer my supper to be a bit lighter as I eat it only an hour after tea and don't like going to bed on a full stomach but obviously I need to increase my calorie intake and this is the best place to do this. I plan to add a hot chocolate to my supper each night to up my intake for each day. If I find I dont feel like having the hot chocolate straight after I eat my dessert which is usually ice cream or custard with fruit I can always wait another hour or so and have it closer to going to bed. I feel ok about this change and just hope that it is enough for me too see some weight gain over the next week.

I don't know how I can posssibely eat as much as I do without gaining weight but I know that a lot of energy is needed to repair my body after the way I have abused it. I also know that walking my dog twise a day is not ideal while trying to gain weight but I honestly dont see any way around this. She is a young active dog that needs exercise and when i'm not walking her she is tied up on a chain or inside with me. It would be cruel to leave her tied up all day without taking her for a walk and I love her so much, there is no way I could give her up. I will weigh myself again next Saturday and if I still havent gained weight, I will have to once again reconsider my meal plan and think about making a more drastic change. If I continue to increase my food each week that I dont gain weight, I will have to see some weight gain eventually. 

Since starting my blog I am feeling as though I need to better stick to my recovery plans and goals which is great. Before starting my blog I would put increasing my intake off and make excuses for myself but now I feel like I need to stick to my plans and stay true to my word for the sake of everyone else who may read my blog. I need to set a good example and prove to myself and everybody else that I am serious about recovery. Afterall, my blog is called Fighting Anorexia. Therefore I feel as though my blog is just a lie if I am not actually fighting for recovery.  

If anyone has any feedback or advice, feel free to comment. I am open to your suggestions :)