A new 'letter to my anorexia'

Firstly, I am going to repost the first letter I wrote to my anorexia, last year whilst I was still gaining weight and having to fight my anorexia more actively. Then I will write a new letter, which should explain how I feel towards my anorexia now that I am very close to being fully recovered.

Old letter...

To my anorexia,

I actually am finding it so hard to get the words out that I want to say to you. Where do I even start? You came into my life at a time that I was incredibely vulunerable. You could see that I hated who I was and you promised me that if I listened to you, you could make me feel better. By the time I realised that you didn't want to help me, that you actually wanted to kill me, it was too late. You had already become so powerful and strong. You were a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

For a long time I continued listening to your demands so that you would be kind to me. If I did what you said, you would leave me in peace and let me feel as though I was accomplishing something. If I didnt listen to you however, you would punish me. You would yell and scream horrible things at me for hours and hours if I didnt play by your rules. I will never understand what you got out of seeing me in so much pain or why you wouldn't be satisfied until I was dead.

I know that I had various issues before you came a long but you made everything so much worse. You wouldnt let me have any other interests or hobbies, you wanted me to dedicate every hour of every day to you. You didnt let me have friends or spend time with anyone else because you wanted me to feel as though I needed you, like you were the only one I could always rely on. You have stolen the last 3 years of my life from me but I refuse to let you destroy the rest of my life too.

When you first entered my life you tried to tell me that I needed to change the way I looked in order to be happy with myself and unfortunately I believed you. I now realise that the only thing I needed to change was my attitude towards myself. There was nothing wrong with the way I was before I got sick. All I needed to do was learn to accept and love myself for who I was.

Luckily I came to the realisation that I wanted to be rid of you forever, no matter what it took. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, in fact it would have been a lot easier to keep listening to you but if I had done that, I would most likely be dead by now. Everytime I ignored your viscious commands you grew angry and abusive but I kept on fighting. I was willing to put up with this if it meant I could be completely free of you one day.

Eventually, after fighting you for a long time, your voice started to get a little quieter. It was still there but nowhere near as loud. This was a huge break through as it showed me that there was hope. That if I continued to fight you, there was a chance of eventually getting rid of you for good. The quieter you got, the better able I was to nourish my body and mind. This allowed me to grow stronger and for the non anorexic part of my mind to gain back some control.

I dont know how long it will take for the day to come that I get rid of you once and for all but no matter how long it takes I promise I will never give up. And once you leave, I dont intend on ever letting you come back. I know now that there are other things I can do to make myself feel better when life gets tough. I know now that you will not make me feel better at all but only cause me more heartache. I have only one thing to thank you for and that is for teaching me to believe in myself. I know it wasn't your intention but you have made me see how strong I truly am and you have shown me that nothing is impossible if you are willing to work really hard for it.

Although you are still apart of me at the moment, all I can say is make the most of it because your days are numbered. While you still constantly shout orders at me and try to make me dislike myself I have learnt not to listen to you. In fact I do the complete opposite of what you tell me to do because I know that this make me stronger and you weaker. I know that if I continue to ignore you, you will eventually become tired of not being listened to and that you will dissappear all together.

Yours sincerely,
Karly



New letter...

To my anorexia,

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote you. No longer are you a large part of my life and most of the time, I forget about you all together. Occassionally, you creep your way back in and remind me that you are still there, but I dont listen anyway, no matter what you try to tell me. I know that you are nothing but a monster, so why would I listen to you? I wouldn't listen to anything a murderer tried to tell me and at the end of the day, thats all you are really. You tried to kill me and that is something that is unforgivable. 

Although I hoped you would leave my life completely at the time I wrote my last letter, deep down I was still worried that I would never be able to get rid of you all together. Although I didn't want to admit it, I was worried that you were too strong and that overcoming you all together was simply not possible. But I was brave and believed in myself and beat you time and time again. You continued to get weaker, as I got stronger and after everything I have managed to achieve, I now know that I WILL overcome you all together and make a full recovery. 

When I last wrote you, you were still the thing that consumed most of my life. Now, other things have taken your place and come between us. The most wonderful thing that has entered my life, of course is my incredible boyfriend. My boyfriend has replaced you in so many ways and this stops me from feeling as though I need you anymore. I no longer rely on you to make me feel special or safe as this is what my boyfriend does ever single day. Unlike you though, I know that my boyfriend would never hurt me and only wants what is best for me. Also, I hope that I spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but that definetely is not how I feel about you.

Although you have destroyed years of my life, I still feel as though I should thank you because it was only through fighting you and beating you that I have learned to believe in myself and to accept and love the person that I am.  Before you came into my life, I hated myself and had no self confidence, I suppose thats why you took over so easily. I was vulunerable and you took advantage of my low self esteem. Ok, maybe I dont want to thank you, as you really dont deserve that but in a way I am glad I have been through what I have. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today and I like who I am.

I dont really have anything nore to say to you. I have already wasted enough of my life on you and dont intend to waste anymore.

Yours sincerely, 
Karly

To all who struggle with an eating disorder: an open letter about recovery

4:04 pm in Body Image, Eating Disorders, mental health, Recovery by Erin Casey

By: Molly Shapleigh, Where I Stand Blogger and Advocate

To all who struggle with an eating disorder:

Recovery is not just about the food.

(Okay, it is a little bit.)

It’s about the late night pizza runs with your partner, the bonding over pancakes and omelets, recounting the night before with your friends. It’s about sharing a spoon with a giant pint of Ben and Jerry’s over a movie, or buying chocolate at the gas station just because you feel like it. It’s trying something new when you’re out to dinner because you feel adventurous, and you aren’t worried about the fat or calories. Its donuts and chips and all the things you used to cringe about in your disorder. It’s noticing that your body is hungry, and even though you are tired/busy/emotional, you grab something quick and easy so that you don’t feel hunger pains like you used to. It’s packing a snack in your purse, just in case. It’s getting rid of sugar free mints and gum, because you actually eat now and they made you feel bloated anyway. It’s nourishing your body not because you need to, but because you want to. Its loving food again. (And to those of you that think you have always “hated” food, we were all tiny helpless infants once, depending on the milk or formula to keep us alive and help us grow.)

But, really, it’s not just about the food.

It’s about being free from the bondage of rules and numbers and rituals. It’s letting go of things that aren’t just right or perfect. It’s taking a nap on the couch when the dishes aren’t done and the house isn’t clean and you haven’t gone to the gym yet, because a nap is what you need. It’s actually resting when you are sick. It’s shedding your old beliefs about yourself and creating a new future. It’s telling your friend that their behavior bothers you without worrying about what they think because if they are a true friend they will understand and listen intently. It’s standing up for yourself. It’s telling your employer you need to work less hours because although the pay is good and it keeps you busy, you need more time to yourself. It’s making relaxation a priority.

Recovery is safety and control. Not the safety of dormancy and controlling of numbers like you used to. It’s safety in knowing that no matter what happens in life, you will be okay. It’s safety in knowing who you are and being proud of it. It’s not the illusion of control that you had when you were counting calories or losing weight- It’s knowing that without using behaviors, you are the one in the driver’s seat. The disorder doesn’t control you anymore. It’s making choices that are healthy for you, because for once, YOU are actually in control.

Recovery is taking risks and making mistakes. It’s vulnerability. It’s laughing too loud at a joke that wasn’t that funny to begin with. It’s honesty. It’s crying in front of your partner and getting a hug instead of running to the other room and burying your face in a pillow. It’s saying the wrong thing, and feeling bad about it later- You apologize and you hate the feeling… but for once, you actually went out with friends and TALKED, instead of just hiding in the background.

Recovery is experience. It’s going to more places than just work or home. It’s making coffee plans with someone you never really knew before. Its taking your dog on a different route for her walk, because sometimes routine is boring. It’s traveling, even though you tend to be a homebody. It’s finding a new hobby because now you have the time to. It’s riding a rollercoaster so fast that you lose your breath.

Recovery is standing on your own and being okay with it. It’s looking back at your time in treatment and being grateful for all of the people you met and things you learned, and knowing that for now, that part of your life is over. It’s yearning for the complexity of life once again, the anxiety of not having a meal perfectly planned for you and your schedule mapped out. It’s growing on your own, because you had a hard day and there might not be someone there to talk to wherever you turn. It’s the fear and anxiety that comes when you become more independent and stray away from your outpatient team, but the pride that comes with feeling like you don’t need to see them as much as you used to. It’s finally “leaving the nest.”

Recovery is welcoming all emotions and committing to growth. It’s honoring the human experience and vowing to live in the present moment. It’s experiencing your emotions, even if they are uncomfortable. It’s being rational. Its knowing that the fear of abandonment doesn’t actually mean you will be alone forever, the anxiety of being weight-restored doesn’t mean you are a failure, and the anger of being hurt doesn’t need to run your life anymore. Its tears and grief and bickering and exhaustion and for once, not being numb. It’s sitting through a panic attack instead of suppressing it with addictive behaviors. Its listening to a loved one talk about their day and actually be interested, instead of feeling foggy, distant, and distracted. It’s connection.

Recovery is a process. It is not planning the day when you will “let go” or “fully surrender,” it’s just doing it. It’s waking up every day with a commitment to do the best you can, and letting go of expectations. It’s being patient and trusting that wherever you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be. It’s seeing recovery as a journey and not a nuisance. It’s not wishing you were farther along or somewhere else, it’s meeting yourself where you are and not forcing it. It’s being kind to yourself, nurturing the part of you that needs to be loved, and letting the universe do the rest. It’s looking back at the past and being able to say, “Wow, I may not be where I want to be yet, but I sure have grown.”

Recovery is messy. It’s relapse and slips and intermittent hospital stays for “tune-ups.” It is not a record of behaviors used or not used. It is not contingent on where you are at financially or physically. It may be one choice you make and never look back, or it may be something you choose twenty times a day, every day. It’s not one event, rather a series of happenings over time. It isn’t contingent on how bad our disorder was and it doesn’t matter if we’ve received the best treatment that the country has to offer. It’s not showy, or self-seeking, or desperately seeking validation that you are doing well. It’s not boasting or claiming that things are 100% different than they used to be. It’s realistic. It’s admitting that you are one human being, of many human beings, that are just living their life the best they can. Recovery can be book deals and song-writing and motivational speaking to massive crowds, or it can be a quiet confidence that you carry with you every day. You can tell people you are in recovery and be proud of it, or you move on as if the disorder never existed. That’s the amazing thing about recovery- there are no rules.

Recovery is choosing to no longer be a victim, saying enough is enough, and doing the work, over and over and over, until it feels natural. Recovery is not unattainable, but don’t be confused; Recovery is not something given to us. It’s not passive in the least. It is brave. It is hard. It is worth it.

To all who struggle with an eating disorder:

There is a whole other world out there waiting for you. Please, come visit.

My name is Molly and This is Where I Stand.

Day 6: Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or made you feel bad

I dont feel comfortable saying who this letter is actually to as then I wouln't feel as though I could speak openly and honestly to them. All I will say is that it is a letter to someone who has been a big part of my life, which is why I have been so hurt through everything that has happened.

*****

Before I say anymore, I want you to remember that I love you very much . While our relationship has been broken for a long time, I still do appreciate everything you have done for me. We have had some really good times throughout my life and if we ever manage to fix our relationship, I promise I will be able to forget about all the hurt you have caused me. But until that happens, I simply can't forget as I can not risk having my heart repeatedly broken by you.

I know my illness has been hard for you to deal with but we had become disconnected a long time before that. Trust is something I value very highly and I find it really hard to be close to anybody I can't trust. There are only so many times someone can be lied to by a person before they start doubting everything they are told by that person. The day I stopped trusting you was probably the day you looked me in the eye and swore on my own life that you were telling me the truth, when I knew for a fact you were lying. 

I was about 12 when I started to realise you had a problem and I hated the way it was tearing our family a part. Being the perfectionist I was, I wanted the perfect family and the perfect life. As far as I was concerned, your problem was the only thing stopping this from happening which made it really hard for me not to resent you. We started fighting a lot and you resented me for the fact I resented you for your problem. I told you that we would never be close while you were the way you were but you still never changed. This made me feel as though you were chosing your problem over me.

I wanted to fix our family but had no control. I can see now that it was not my job to try and fix our family but I just wanted to have a good relationship with you and a happy family so much. I felt like you put a lot of pressure on me to succeed in everything I did but this was not fair. I feel like I worked so hard to please you but you you still wouldnt give me anything back. You werent willing to address your problem for me. 

My eating disorder started to develop and this just put more of a strain on our relationship. One day in a moment of weakness I reached out to you and told you I had been making myself sick. I was scared and wanted help but you did nothing. All you did was tell me "well you should stop" and you never said another word about it. I was shocked that you didnt want to help me and this just confirmed what I had always suspected, that I couldn't rely on you for help at the times in my life that I felt like I needed you most.

I can't help but wonder whether I would still have gotten as sick with anorexia as I did if you had done something when I told you about what I had been doing to myself. Perhaps if I had gotten on top of my eating disorder then I would not be where I am today, trying so hard just to fight for my life. Or perhaps I only told you because I knew deep down that you wouldnt do anything about it. Sometimes I wonder if you have something wrong with you that stops you from being able to care about me the way you should be able to. In a way, I wish that this was the case as I would rather your lack of care be due to something you couldn't control rather then you just choosing not to care for me. 

I will never forget the first day I spent at the childrens ward after being hospitalised for my anorexia. I didnt realise just how serious my physical condition was until I was hooked up to the heart monitor and had to be pushed to the toilet in a wheelchair. I was happy when you rang me as I thought you were worried about me, it turns out you just wanted to make sure I had all my school books with me so I could keep studying, so my school marks wouldn't be effected. 

Once I was sick you took every opportunity to remind me of what I had given up through my anorexia and about how I had lost sight of what was truly important. No matter what I said I couldn't convince you I wasn't chosing to be sick. You yelled and screamed at me to try and get to me to eat but this just made me feel more awful about myself. Your hurtlful words made me feel unhappy and depressed and made recovering seem even harder.

I still try and be nice to you from day to day but I have put up an invisible baracade between us to protect myself from your hurt. Every time I have ever fallen for your promise that things would be different, that you wouldn't hurt me again, it never lasted long. Sometimes it would only be a matter of days before you had rebroken my heart and left me feeling betrayed again. 

I hope that one day we are able to mend what is broken between us but until then, I already have enough people in my life who are able to love and care for me unconditionally. 

Karly

*****