Always remember....

 *if its healthy for you to do so i.e. if your NOT underweight

In case no one told you today

Feeling happy and comfortable in my own skin

Today I am going to the football with my boyfriend and some of his family which will be great! I just have to wait for my boyfriend to get home from work (I know, only my boyfriend is crazy enough to vuluntarily work on his Saturday mornings after a whole week of working atleast 10 hours everyday). 

As I got ready this morning, I found it so nice to be accepting of myself and how I looked as this never would have happened to me in the past. Although i still have times when I feel self conscious and suffer from poor self esteem, it is just great to feel confident in my own skin sometimes too. 

Here are a few selfies I took this morning to mark this wonderful achievement of bejng able to accept myself, the way I truly am supposed to be. I encourage everyone in recovery from an eating disorder to aim for this type of self acceptance as it really is the most wonderful feeling, when you no longer hate everything about yourself all the time.

How things have changed

It really amazing for me to look back now and see just how far I have come in the past 12 months. To really demonstrate this i thought I would do a comparison of my weekend this weekend to a typical weekend for me a year ago.

For starters, back then I was underweight with an extremely unhealthy bmi of only 14. Now however, my bmi is 19 which puts me within the healthy bmi range. I know that I am still thin but am just happy that I am a healthy weight for my height. I have quite a petite frame and my siblings and parents are all thin so as long as my mind stays healthy I am happy with my current weight and have no desire to change my weight.

A year ago, if someone had asked me if I liked my body or the way I looked, I would have said definetely not. But now, I can honestly say that i dont mind my body and how I look. I know that I am healthy and that is the most important thing!

This past weekend I have been out to a restaurant for two different meals as well as eating lunch at a bakery. Eating out like this was aomething that I would have found terrifying 12 months ago and would have avoided at all costs. Now however I love going out for meals, especially with my boyfriend.

I also went for tea at my parents house and ate tea which was prepared for me by my mum which is something I refused to do 12 months ago. The reason this terrified me so much back then was because I hated eating an unknown number of calories.

Now, although I do still keep a rough track of how much i eat most days (mainly because I seem to undereat if i dont), knowing exactly how many calories I eat really doesn't matter to me anymore. I have finally come to the realisation that its ok to eat more sometimes and that a little extra food wont hurt me or make me instantly gain heaps of weight.

I am also comfortable drinking alcohol when i got out with my boyfriend and friends which is something I never would have done. I no longer have a fear of consumimg liquid calories and find a lot of enjoyment in being sociable anddrinking with friends. I also drink things like hot chocolate or juice, which i would have considered to be a waste of calories, 12 months ago,  sinply because I feel like them and enjoy them.

I also have a much healthier relationship with exercise now. Unlike 12 months ago when I would have been incredibely anxious about walking any less then my usual amount, now it doesnt bother me. For example both yesterday and the day before I only took my dog for one walk instead of two as I usually would as I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend. And today I barely went for a walk at all as it started to rain just as I left my house.

I really enjoy being active and being fit and healthy but at the same time exercising less then usual doesnt cause me any worry or concern as it ince would have. 12 months ago, walking a certain distance each day was a priority for me. Now however, I have other priorities that are more important to me like my boyfriend, my health and my hapiness.

12 months ago I was on medication for my anxiety and also medication for my skin. Now I dont feel as though i need any of these medications so don't take them. Since reaching a gealthy weight and nourishing my body and mind I feel as though I think so much more rationally and clearly. My skin is also so much clearer due to me stressing less and eating so much better.

12 months ago I suffered from insomnia and was therefore exhausted all the time and trying to function daily on almost no sleep. Now I honestly believe that the insomnia was simply die to me refusing to give my body the amount of food it truly needed and deserved. Now I have no trouble sleeping and can actually sleep in some days which is something I could never do.

I wanted to share how things have changed for me over the last year so that you can all see that it is possible to recover. Its not easy... in fact its probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It was for me anyway. But please trust me when I say it is so worth it. Recovering may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is also the most wonderful. Because the life you have at the end of it is worth every bit of pain and anxiety. So please, keep fighting with all you've got. Believe in yourselves like I did and you could be where I am today in 12 months time!

Me and my boyfriend, who is without a doubt the most wonderful thing that has come out of my recovery

We are not our eating disorders

I was really dissappointed when I heard my younger brother talking the other day about a girl who actually really likes my older brother. I can't rememeber exactly what he said but he was basically suggesting that my older brother should not be with the girl as she was on anti-depressants. Although I didn't confront my little brother about what he was saying at the time, I have thought a lot about it since.

I have met this girl and to me she seems like an incredibly friendly and caring girl with a wonderful personality and it really does sadden me to think that boys can be so shallow as to not want to be with someone, just because they have sufffered from a mental illness at some stage in their lives. Of course, whilst I was thinking about this girl and what my brother said, I began to wonder whether boys who know about my past have the same types of thoughts about me.

I suddenly remembered back to when I was talking to a guy at the party I went to a few weeks ago and another guy came up to him and started whispering in his hear. Shortly after this the boy I was talking too waked away and didn't speak to me again all night. I can't be sure but I really cant help but wonder whether the boy had been told or 'warned' about what I have been through which 'scared him off' talking to me.

I suppose the truth of the matter is, there will always be judgemental and shallow people who judge you based upon how you look or what mental illness you may or may not have suffered from. What we need to remember is that people like these are not the types of people we want to have in our lives anyway.

I do not want to have a boyfriend or even just be friends with somebody if I feel as though I need to hide my past from  them because I am scared that they will not be ble to accept me. I want people in my life who are understanding and sensitive to the fact that I have been through quite a lot in my life and who will support me through any difficulties I may have in the future.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that if somebody is not willing to give you a chance because you have suffered from a mental illness in the past, then they really are not the kind of people you want to spend time with anyway. Try not to worry about small minded poeple as I assure you that they are the ones missing, not you. You deserve soembody who cares about you regardless of whether you have a mental illness or have suffered from on in the past.

Latest progress pictures

*TRIGGER WARNING*

This post contains photos of me when I was very underweight so please skip this post if you find these types of photos triggering.

2013

May 2015

Now

I can honestly say that I am so proud of myself for all of the progress I have made. I may not accept my new body completely yet, but I am determined to keep fighting until I do. :) x

The only time you should look back is to see how far you have come

An amazing girl remided me of something incredibely important recently, which was that the only time you should look back on your past, is to see how far you have come. I think that this is the most wonderful saying and believe that it is so true.

Firstly, it is true that there is no point in looking back on the past and dwelling on things that may have gone wrong. For a long time I had a hard time getting past all of the things I had lost because of my anorexia and I also spent too much time worrying about why my anorexia started in the first place.

What I eventually realised however was that what happened in the past could not be changed, no matter how much I worried or thought about it. I also realised that thinking about the tough times I have been through was only making me feel bad and stopping me from enjoying my life now.

So I know that I should not spend time worrying about the past and that I just need to accept everything that has happened in the past. Afterall, everything that has happened in the past (the good and bad) has shaped me to become the person I am today and I wouldn't want to change the person that I am, even if I could.

My friend was so right when she said that you should only look back to see how far you have come, so that is exactly what I am going to do in this post. I am going to take a moment to look at all the progress I have made in my recovery so far and concentrate on that, rather than spending time getting frustrated about how long recovery is taking.

The timeline of me at my most anorexic point, to where I am today.

DEADLY SICK (July 2013)

-Started to increase my intake very gradually

-Started to eat foods other then vegeatbles, non fat yoghurt, salad and oats

-my resting heart rate began to increase above 30bmp

-Started eating 6 meals per day

- Started eating pasta/rice/potato

- gained a couple of kilograms despite the fact that I was still undereating

HALF RECOVERED (July 2014)

-Could eat anything as long as I can count its calories and it fit into my daily intake

-Could eat things like chocolate, cake, icecream, custard etc in small amounts

-Able to eat a 'normal' amount of food, but not eough to gain weight

-Became a little less obsessed with food (I no longer tried to make my meal times last ages or spent my days waiting for my next meal)

  

GETTING CLOSER TO MAKING A FULL RECOVERY (July 2015)

-can eat full fat products

-Managed to eat large recovery amounts

-Reached a healthy bmi

-Exceeded the goal weight my doctor set for me

-No longer weigh everything I eat

-No longer care about 'exact' numbers of calories

-Can easily eat things like chocolate bars

-Able to enjoy a meal out with family that is prepared by somebody else

-No longer feel the cold

-No longer care about my exact weight

-Able to accept myself for who I am supposed to be

-Able to fight my anorexic thoughts, whenever they arise

-Can go days without exercising

-No longer compensating for eating more or for exercising less by restricting

-no longer count macro nutrients

-full of energy and life

-actually want to socialising again

And the list seriously keeps going on... this list only touches on the progress I have made and these are just the things that sprung to mind right now.

Looking at this list, it really does go to show that I have come an incredibely long way and that I should be proud of myself for everything I have achieved. In fact I am proud of myself for everything I have achieved. If you look at the timeline above, you will probably notice that most of my pogress has been made over the past year, in particularly since I started my blog.

I know that a huge part of this is because of all of my wonderful readers believeing in me and motivaing me to keep fighting every single day. So thank you so much. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you all and I really cant thank you all enough.

Because of all of you, I do not only want to recover so that I can be happy. I also want to recover so that I can show each and everyone of you that recovery IS POSSIBLE! Once I felt as though recovery was too hard and that I would be sick forever too but look at me now. You all need to realise that if I can do it, so can you.

So remember, only look back at your life so that you can see how far you have come. Hopefully, like me you will realise that you have come way to far to give up now and that everyday you fight you are getting one day closer to being fully recovered. No matter how sick of recovery you get, never give up and you will make it eventually.

Day 5: Your proudest moment

I am not really sure what my absolute proudest moment would be but I suppose the ones that are freshest in my mind and that also mean a lot to me are the moments that people have noticed that I am getting better and have made me feel proud. These people have been people that are really important to me which is why, I suppose it meant so much. I know that some comments can be triggering to someoe while they are recoverig however fortunately my family have been really sensitive to this and have chosen their words very carefully so that I have not been upset.

Firstly, when I heard what my little brother had said about me when talking to my mum I felt so proud. He said something like 'Anything is possible Mum, just look at Karly! I didn't even know that my brother had noticed I was getting better but the fact that he noticed and made this comment meant the world to me and made me feel incredibely proud of myself. Hearing Luke reffer to me in this way, as though I am some kind of inspiration is a truly amazing feeling and something I will never forget.

My mum also paid me a comment that made me feel really good as my mum has never really complimented me throughout my life on the way I look. She said, 'Karly, you are starting to look absolutely gorgeous and so stunning.' So hearing this from mum meant a lot to me and did make me feel proud of how far I have come. By saying that I am 'starting' to look gorgeous made the compliment so much better too as this meant that my anorexia couldn't make me feel awful about it, like it could have if she had just said I look gorgeous now (as this would have made me feel as though I shouldn't gain anymore weight.)

My dad is also sensitive to the fact that some comments although they may be intended as a compliment can upset me so he just gave me a huge hug and told me how proud he was of me, which made me feel proud also. Although all of these things have made me feel roud, I know that the proudest moment of my life is still yet to come. My ultimate proudest moment will be the day that I declare myself as completely recovered. Recovery is such a hard and long battle and when I get to the end of this battleI will be incredibely proud of everything I have achieved. I will also be proud of the fact that I would have proved to my readers as well s myself that recovery is possible!

Having a cold but still feeling fantastic

For the last two days my nose has been running a lot and I have also had a bleedng nose which indicate that I have a cold, but besides this I am feeling perfectly healthy. I am quite confident it is a cold I have caught as I have never had allergies in my life and my sister got sick when she stayed at my house on Saturday night, so I am guessing I caught it off of her then.

Although, I obviously have a virus, strangely I do not have any other symptoms of a cold. I have not had the dreaded sore throat that usually comes at the start of a cold or the congested and achey head that I usually experience. The only explanantion that I have for this is that I am providing my body with so much energy, that it is able to fight off the virus quite easily while causing me no discomfort at all.

This makes me so happy and proud, to think that I am looking after my body so well and giving it all the food and energy that it needs. While once my body was extremely vlunerable tto viruses like this and my immune system was very poor, now my immune system is fighting fit and strong. In fact, even before Ideveloped anorexia Istll do not think thatt my immune system was as good as it now is.

I am hoping that I continue to feel ggreat, even though I have this virus. I intend to keep up my fluids and my food intake no mattter what and am confident that I will be completely better from my cold very soon. I hope that everyone is healthy and looking after themselves.

A challenge for my readers

In order to recover, we cant just sit around waiting for it to happen, we need to actively go out and fight for it. Nothing feels better then going to bed at the end of the day and feeling proud because you know that you have been stronger then your anorexia and have not given into it. Without making recovery achievements, we simply would not be able to recover as our achievements lead to any progress we make. Usually making this progress is painful, but it does get much easier the longer we fight and eventually things that were once challenging, are no longer even difficult.

After all of the suppport I got from my beautiful readers when I successfully completed my meal plan challenge, I wanted to set all of my readers a challenge too, to show you all that you are strong enough to make recovery achievements as well. My challenge for you all is to do somethething to fight your anorexia/eating disorder over the next day that you can be truly proud of and to comment what you did in the comments section of this post.

A simple example could be that when your anorexia tells you to walk the long way to the supermarket, instead you choose to walk the shortest possible route. Or perhaps you could challenge yourself a little more and eat a fear food that you have not been able to eat since getting sick. No matter how big or small your achievement is, it is still important as it shows that you are making progress and therefore that you are recovering.

You may find that you make these kinds of achievements most days anyway, which is great but if you cant think of anything at the end of the day, this may mean that you need to more actively go out and fight your anorexia by setting yourself particular goals to conquer. I think that successfully doing this will allow you to believe in yourself and it will make you realise you have the strength needed so you can keep fighting and recover, if you dont realise this already.

 

Progress

This morning while eating my breakfast I began thinking about the progress I have made in the past month or so. Even something as simple as making breakfast, which was once a routine centred around anorexic behaviours, is now relatively normal. Even when my anorexic thoughts arise, I now have the strength to fight them.

A month ago I would have weighed the fruit I put on my oats, weighed the bread for my toast and also weighed out a standard portion of nut spread for my toast so that I could be sure that I was eating an exact number of calories.



This morning while making breakfast, I had the anorexic thoughts that I should weigh all of these things out, but instead of giving in and listening to my anorexic thoughts, I did the complete opposite.

I sliced up a full banana to put on my oats without weighing out a certain amount, I chose the thickest two pieces of bread I had left (because my anorexia was telling me to pick the two thinnest) and I put a very generous amount of Peanut butter on my toast (much more then I would have if I had weighed out a standard portion).

The best thing is, I can do all of these things now without feeling too guilty or anxious. Instead I feel good and proud of myself for being stronger than my eating disorder. No, I am not fully recovered and I still have a long way to go but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be proud of all the progress I am making.

I believe it is really important that you are able recognise any progress you make and that you feel proud for anything you achieve throughout your entire recovery journey. Every now and then while you are recovering I suggest that you stop and take a moment to think about what you have to be proud of. If you honestly can't think of anything, then maybe you should actively go out and do something that you can be proud of in regards to your recovery. Recovering involves learning to love yourself and respect yourself for who you are and this includes being proud of yourself for the achievements you make.