Being with Friends

One of the worst things about my illness was that I grew apart from my old friends. When I was sick, I just didn't have the time or energy to socialise with anyone and I felt as though I was completely alone. I know that a art of the reason why I am so happy and enjoying life so much now that I am so much better is because I have made some truly wonderful friends and am able to socialise again. I have also started talking to a few of my old friends again and am incredibely grateful to have them back in my life.

Since becoming well again, I have grown incredibly close to my gorgeous cousin who I have always known, but have not always been great friends with. Jemma is without a doubt one of my best friends and I really o feel as though I would be completely lost without her. It really makes no difference at all that she is 5 years younger than me as I really couldn't be any closer to her than I already am. I hae always been really youndg at heart anyway and I really do feel as though I am still 16 anyway.

And then there is my other best friend, who I have only known for about two months. Jozzy is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I feel as though she is here for me no matter what. We actually met because she was seeing my brother for a little while and even though it is unfortunate that things didn't work out between her and my brother, I am still incredibly grateful as I wouldnt have gotten to know her so well otherwise. When we are together, we never run out of things to talk about. She sent me the following cute picture the other day;

Life is so much better now that  I have these wondderful people in my life and I know that I would not have been able to develop such strong friendships with these girls if I was still sick. Throughout my recovery I really have started living again and it feels as though these two wonderful friends as well as the other people I have deveoped good friendships with) are just another of the many positive things that have come out of me getting better.

 

Jemma sent this to me the other day which although a bit cheesy, sums up our friendship perfectly :)

Finally, a day off

I am so happy that it is finally my day off as I feel as though I have been really busy every single day for the past couple of months. I slept until 6:30 am this morning before getting up and making myself some breakfast. I wasn't really that hungry but still wanted to eat so I had a bowl of cheerios with milk as well as two slices of toast with cashew spread.

It isn't really going to be a very 'relaxing' day offf because I have a lot to do. My whole house is a big mess as I simply have not had any time to clean or tidy it so it will probably take me a few hours just to do all of my housework. My bag I took to Hobart last weekeend is still sitting in the middle of my loungeroom floor as I haven't had a ny time to unpack it and I have lots of loads of washing to do. Other then that I need to vacuum my whole house, clean my kitchen and bathroom and just tidy everything up. I always think it feels amazing one your house is clean as mess stresses me out sometimes so Ilook forward to a nice and clean house.

Today it is my cousins 16th birthday so  am going to go to her place for a birthday Barbeque tea. I am incredibely close to this girl and I would definetely consider her to be one of my closest friends. Even though I am 5 years older then her, we get a long extremely well. She is like another little sister to me really. For her birthday I got her a really pretty journal that sports girl were selling in partnership with the butterfly foundation which is the biggest eating disorder association in Australia. I ordered the jourrnal online but now wish I had ordered myself one too as it is so beautiful.

I know that I should just start my house work however there is so much to do I dont even know where to start. Perhaps I will procrastinate a little longer before I start cleaning. ;) I hope that everyone has a fantastic day!

Super excited

I have some really exciting news! In the first week of Decemer I am going on a week long cruise in tropical queensland (Australia). We only came up with the idea yesterday afternoon but luckily everything has fallen into place so we booked in tonight. None of us have ever been on a cruise before so we are all incredibely excited.

The cruise ship sounds truly amazing. It has all you can eat catering included in the fare, pools, spas, a casino, night clubs, gyms, a cinema, live shows, and heaps of other entertainment as well. We couldn't believe how cheap it is too. We also have to buy air fares up to Brisbane where the ship departs from but other then that basically everything is included in the fare.

We will also have a chance to explore some tropical islands, swim at some gorgeous beaches, snorkel and also explore Cairns which is a city in northern Queensland.

We were so lucky as we were all able to get time off work and university as otherwise we wouldnt have been able to go. We didn't want to wait too long before booking as we thought that we may miss out if we did, so we agreed it would be better to book straight away. 

I am so excited, the next two months really couldn't go fast enough!

A long day

Today has been a really long day and if I am completely honest I am glad it has finally come to an end. I know that I should not wish away any days as every day is a gift however I have just been feeling quite tired today and have not been my usual bubbly self. I have not been feeling bad, but I haven't been as positive as I have usually am either. I didn't even feel like going to yoga tonight which I usually really enjoy so I just came straight home.

I have been really busy for the past 7 days straight and I still dont think I have properly recovered since my huge weekend so I am really happy that I have the day off tomorrow. Especially since I have another huge weekend planned this weekend for my 21st birthday. We have decided to go to a dessert cafe for tea before we go out which will be really great too. Its really strange but I dont feel the slightest bit nervous about this at all. I am just purely excited!

For the rest of the night I just plan to watch tv, relax and unwind before having a nice rest day tomorrow. It probably wont be that much of a rest day really though as I have HEAPS to do. I have like a weeks worth of washing and cleaning to do and I wont get another chance to do anything like that for another whole week. I have also made plans to meet up with a friend if it is nice and we are going to walk our dogs together.

I hope that everyone else is having a fantastic week. :) x

A massive weekend

This weekend really has been great but it has also been incredibely tiring. I dont know if I would have even got a single hours sleep last night so I am feeling completely exhausted right now, especially since I worked all day yesterday and also all day today.

The girls picked me up last night at at 6:30 and we all headed to the tavern where we were going to have tea. We all ordered a cocktail as well as tea. I was tempted to have the same meal I always have when I go there (grilled fish) but instead I chose to have what the other girls were having. A real crumbed chicken schnitzel with gravy, chips and salad. I was so glad that I had decided to be brave and had the schnitzel as it really was delicious. Shortly after we finished tea, my brother and some of the other young locals guys turned up so we joined them for drinks.

The pub was closing at 10:00 and I foolishly agreed to let them all come back to my unit. There was only us three girls and about 6 guys but we did have a really great night. We listened to music, chatted and drank but luckily I kept in mind the fact that I had to get up and work in the morning so I didnt let myself drink TOO much. So while I was incredibly tired today, I didnt feel too sick or hungover.

My brother, one of my friends and one of my brothers friends were all still at my house when I went to work this morning and I think that they were feeling much more sick and hungover then me, which made me kind of happy that I hadn't let myself drink as much as the rest of them. the day at work seemed to go very slowly and the whole time I was there I just wished I could have been snuggled up in bed sleeping.

While we were out, My friends and I made plans to go out in Hobart next Saturday night as it is going to be my 21st birthday. I am so glad that I have found these two amazing girls that I can socialise with and do things with. some of the guys may also be coming out with us but we aren't 100% sure yet. Going out with the guys could be fun but so would be just having a real girls night out. So either way, it looks as though it is going to be a great weekend.

We stayed up really late last night but when I did finally get to bed, unforunatly I was strangely unable to sleep. Now I am so tired I feel like I just need to go to sleep but I dont know if I will be able to sleep. And I also know that if I go to bed early, I will most likely wake up very early too. I want to make sure I am feeling refeshed and energized for a whole new work week.

How was your weekend? X

Tess and myself

Something that I find truly amazing is just how similar my dog Tess and I are. It may sound silly but we actually have so much in common and this is why I often say we are a perfect match for one another.

Firstly, we both have terrible anxiety. The reason why Tess did not work out as a sheep dog for my dad is because she was simply just far too anxious. As soon as we got her when she was a tiny puppy, she ran into a large bush in our garden and didn't come out for days she was so terrified. Even though her anxiety has improveed a lot since I have had her living with me, she still is very frightened of various things. Her greatest fear is of balls. Even if Tess can only hear a ball bouncing in the far distance she will start running in the opposite direction, completely terrified.

We are both active and generally full of energy. We love going for walks and getting out in the fresh air. In saying this, we also like lazing around sometimes and resting. We also both absolutely love food and love eating as well. Just as I am when I meet new people, Tess can be quite shy and even nervous about meeting new dogs. Once she gets to know another dog however and starts to trust them she loves playing and spending time with them. Finally, the last similarity I would like to mention is the fact that we are both incredibly loyal, especially to one another. We fully trust one another and think the absolute world of each other.

I know that this is a really random post but I do find it amazing, just how similar we are. Perhaps this is why we have such a wonderful and ubreakable bond.

Getting my life back

As I have mentioned before, now that I am geting so much healthier, I am starting to want to socialise more again and enjoy my life the way a 20 year old should be. This has beeen quite hard hwever as although I want to start socialisiing again, I no longer really fit into the asocial groups that already exost in the little town I live in and I am  quite shy when it comes to going out and socialising by myself.

This Satrday night however I have planned to go out for tea witth a really nice girl who I met at the party a couple of weeks ago as well as two of my cousins who I get along with really well too. I have to work on both Saturday and Sunday which is a bit of ashaim however I am not going to let this stop me from going out and having a nice girls night out. Afterall, life is supposed to be hectic and busy when you are young and I really do just want to have some fun and live in the moment a little.

I really cant wait to have a night out with the girls and hope that it is just the first of many more  to come!

How my friends reacted when I developed anorexia

Another great question that I have been asked that I though would make a good post topic is about how my friends reacted when I developed anorexia. Even though I know some of my friends struggled to understand what was happening to me, fortunately none of them were unsupportive. They all visited me in hospital and regularly text me to see how I was doing.

I think that my friends were quite shocked when I let them know I had been admitted into the hospital as the last time they had seen me, I looked relatively normal. I think if I had of lost lots of weight over a long period of time and had become severely underweight they would not have been surprised by my diagnosis however they were shocked when I told them why I hadn't been at school, as I didn't really look anorexic.

My friends had all obviously noticed that I had stopped eating anything 'unhealthy' and had also noticed that I had started walking to school and home from school every single day unlike all of the other boarding students who caught the bus. So I guess they knew that I wanted to lose weight but they did not know I had been making myself sick and since there had not been a drastic change in my weight, they weren't overly concerned.

While my friends were supportive of me, we still did unfortunately grow a part. This however was not their doing, but mine. I am the one who avoided social situations whenever I could and I was the one who failed to make an effot to see my friends after I left the hospital. In fact since I left the hospital in 2012, I have only seen two of my old school friends again. What has made matters worse is that we have all ended up on opposite ends of the state/country so it is hard to catch up with one another.

I am really sad that I have grown a part from some of my college friends and that my anorexia prevented me from being social over the last few years but I thin that my friends handled things as well as they possibely could have. If I have any advice for anyone out there who is suffering from an eating disorder as is worried about how their friends may react (or how they are reacting), I suggest that you are honest and open with them. If they are good friends, they will want to support you and they will want to try and understand however they may just not know how to do these things.

Even if you print some information off the internest for them to read. This will not only help them to understand what you are going through, but will also allow them t be the best friend they can possibly be to you, whilst you are unwell. It may seem strange giving your friend information on your illness or even advice about how to deal with it but I honestly thing that a true friend would really appreciate it. I know if I was in that type of a situation and my friend had just been diagnosed with an illness I knew very little about,  I would want to learn about it and to know how to help my friend.

How do I start socialising again?

A social life was just another of the many things that my anorexia stole from me. As my anorexia worsened, I became more and more disconnected from everyone around me. I no longer wanted to see any of my friends and I didn't even want to spend time with my family. I dont know why I felt as though I needed to be on my own so much but it just felt like the easiest option at the time.

Now I am starting to get better, I really want to start getting out there and socialising again but I really dont know how to do this. I feel as though everyone in the town i live in just sees me as the shy one who always stays home and never goes to any events of gatherings and they are right, but I don't want to be that girl anymore. 

I want to have friends or even just people who I can talk to out at the pub or at social gatherings. I want people to invite me to their birthday parties so that I can get out and show everyone that I have changed and that I am now a fun person to be around. It is hard to make friends in a town where there are so few people around my age however I really am desperate to start socalising again. 

In a way, I know that it is my fault that I am now in this situation as whilst I was sick i was invited to many parties or gatherings but never attended any of them. So now everyone just presumes I wouldn't want to go and so they dont even bother to invite me along. I wish that I even had just one other friend that I felt really comfortable around, so that we could go out together and then I could talk to new people too.

And something else I have started thinking about now, that I havent cared about for years, is the fact that I am now wanting to find a boyfriend. I had absolutely no interest in guys when my anorexia was controlling me but now I actually find myself longing for a reationship with a fantastic guy.

I think I just need to be brave and start living the way that a 20 year old girl should be. This may mean stepping outside my comfort zone and socialising with people from outside of the tiny town that I live in. This is the only way i am going to make new friends and meet new people. I just really don't know how to go about doing this.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? How do you think is the best way for me to start socialising again with people in my small home town as well as ways to meet brand new people? I know that I need to make this happen for myself and that it won't happen on its own. I just dont know how to do it.

Someone who always makes me smile

No matter how I am feeling, Tess always manages to bring a smile to my face. Tess is the most affectionate and loving dog I have ever known which I am so grateful for. I know that no matter what happens, Tess will always love me unconditionally and make me feel needed and loved. She always seems to know when I am feeling down as she always stays extra close to me. I suppose this is her way of letting me know that she is there. This probably sounds so silly but Tess really is my best friend and I love her so much. I love her for all of her crazy ways and wouldn't change a thing about her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Tess helping me blog ;)

By the fire with Tess this morning

Tess knows she isn't supposed to leave her spot by the door but how do you growl at this gorgeous face? She knows that if she looks cute she will mostly always get her way.

Catching up with an old friend

Tonight I met up with one of my old friends and went out for tea with her. Growing up Grace and I were inseparable. We spent all week at school together as well as most weekends and school holidays. We always had the same interests and loved one anothers company. My great friendship with Grace is one of the many things that I lost through having anorexia.While we didnt see each other or communicate often enough, I never stopped considering her as my best friend. Growing up Grace was truly like a sister to me and when you love someone that much, you dont just stop loving them, no matter what happens.

When I got sick, Grace and I became more distant. We lived over an hour away from one another but still made an effort to communicate via text messaging. Over the past 2 years or so we have probably met up 5 or 6 times but each time we met things were not the way they had always been between us. It was obvious that we both felt a little uncomfortable and we found it hard to find things to talk about, it was as if we had become strangers. Tonight however it was as if I had never been sick. We instantly started chatting as soon as we saw each other and continued chatting for the three hours we were together. Not once did I feel as though I didnt know what to say and things felt completely back to normal between us.

I can understand why Grace and I became disconnected when I got sick. Not only did she not know how to deal with me being sick, but I also know that I was not truly myself when I was sick. I was no longer the bubbly and happy girl that Grace had grown up with, I had changed. While I did not realise it at the time, I can now see that I was a completely different person when I was consumed by my illness and this must have been really hard for Grace. I think that the reason Grace and I got along so well tonight is because I am back to my old self again, and this is due to me starting my recovery journey and by no longer letting my anorexia control everything I do. Now that I am recovering, I can see just how important special friendships like the one I share with Grace are and I am extremely grateful that things seem to be getting better between us again.