End of semester

Over the past month or so I havent had much of a chance to write any posts but now my exams are finally over and I have more time on my hands again which is great! Although I havent gotten any results back yet I am confident that they will be fine! I worked really hard and I prepared myself for them as best as I possibly could have so no matter what happens,  I can be proud of that.

Although I did get anxious and stressed at times, I think I coped with my exams relatively well. It really helped having my wonderful boyfriend there for support and also keeping a healthy balance by getting some exercise everyday helped me too. At times though I know I got stressed and wasnt great company for my boyfriend to be around, but I am thankful he didnt take it personally and was surprised by just how understanding he was.

Now My exams are over, I am looking forward to doing some extra shifts at work (so i can hopefully save a bit of money as I am very broke at the moment). I am also excited to now have more time to dedicate to growing my herbalife business. Herbalife is something I am so incredibly passionate about and of I can build a career for myself through helping others feel fantastic 24 hours a day, 7 days oer week, then that will be a dream come true.

I am in the midst of starting up a fit club which is super exciting and I cant wait to see what else the future holds! The weather is finally starting to warm up now that summer is approaching as well which is another added bonus! This summer is going to be the first summer in a long time that I have had a really good relationship with food as well as good self confidence so I am really looking forward to it!

Im just about to make myself a herbalife cookies and cream frappe for dessert and then I will probably just snuggle into bed and watch some telly for the rest of the night. It feels so good to do this now after not having had the time for so long! I hope everyone is really well. Please let me know if you have any specific post topic requests or any questions you would like answered.

There is nothing wrong with liking yourself

Growing up, I made the mistake of judging the people around me who seemed confident and proud of who they were. I don't know why, but I have always believed that it was wrong to like yourself, as I thought that this made you arrogant or a bad person. Now I can see that I was very wrong to think this way and that it was a massive mistake to judge those around me who actually liked who they were.

Perhaps the real reason I judged others around me who were confident and proud was because I wished I could be like them too. I was sick of hating myself all of the time but at the same time, I felt as though liking myself was wrong too. I rememeber looking in the mirror when I was really little and if I ever thought anything nice about myself, another voice would jump in and tell me that it was wrong to think like that. I believed that if I thought I was pretty or liked something about myself it made me a really bad person.

Is it possible that this voice, was actually the voice of my anorexia and it has actually been a part of me since I was 5 or 6 years old? I suppose it doesn't really matter if it was the voice of my anorexia telling me those things or not, all that matters is that I can now see that they were lies and that there is nothing wrong with liking yourself. I am curious as to why I have always believed that it is wrong to like yourself and be confident.

I think that I started too feel this way after something that happened when I was about 5 years old. I remember I was proudly walking around the house in a pair of new bathers before a swimming lesson feeling totally at ease with myself. My mum said to me something like 'It isn't very nice for little girls to strut around like that!' Back then my mum was my hero and I listened to everything she said and to this day, that moment has stuck in my mind so clearly.

I dont think for a moment my mum was telling me that it was not ok to like myself but that is exactly what I heard when she told me off. I did not only associate her growling to the way I was 'strutting' around, but I also associated it with how I was feeling, up until that comment was made. Afterall, I was feeling happy with how I looked and I felt really confident.

I think a lot of pople are bought up to have little confidence ad low self esteem these days and perhaps it is because our role models are like that. Many litttle girls follow in the footsteps of their mothers so if their mothers dont have any self confidence, chances are the child won't either. I think young girls need to be taught that it is ok to feel confident and to be happy with who you are. It des not make you over confident or arrogant, it just makes you accept yourself and feel good.

Day 3: list 3 things you like about yourself

I have been sitting here for a long time thinking of what to write but am really struggling to think of anything. I havent always found it this hard to find things I like about myself but I have been like this for a very long time. When I was younger I remember looking in the mirror and actually liking how I looked but then feeling instantly guilty for thinking these things. This continued for a few years until I eventually stopped seeing any positives about myself at all and could only see my floors. I suppose this is what led to me having such bad self esteem and no self confidence, both of which contributed to the development of my eating disorder.

I think I started feeling guilty for thinking good things about myself after a incident that happened when I was only about 5 years old. I dont really remember a lot from this early on in my life but for some reason I have never forgotten this. I was about to go to a swimming lesson and had just put on a pair of new bathers. I remember looking at myself in my bathers and thinking I looked pretty and skinny so started walking very confidentely around the house. When my mum saw me she told me that it wasn't very nice for a little girl to be 'strutting' around like I was. I remember feeling confused as before then I didnt see anything wrong with acting confidentely. Ever since then I have associated thinking something good about myself or acting confidentely with being self absorbed or 'up myself'.

The 3 things I have finally thought of are my bubbly personality, my determination and my eyes.

1. My bubbly personality
Naturally, I have a very bubbly personality. At times throughout my illness I have been really down and my bubbly personality has failed to shine through but most of the time I am bright and cheerful unless I have a big reason not to be. I feel very sorry for the people who are naturally unhappy as I think it is so much better to be friendly and happy all the time. I notice that some of the pleople I work with are rude and abrupt to customers and have to try really hard, just to be pleasant. When I go to work, I dont even have to try to be lovely to the customers, it just happens. One customer at work even calls me 'smiley' as I am always so happy whilst I am at work.

For me, it would take a lot more energy to be angry and grumpy and by acting that way I would only make myself feel depressed so there would really be no point. I believe that having a bubbly personality helps me stay happy and positive throughout difficult times, like now while I am recovering. It feels really good when I make others around me, like customers, feel happy through simply being kind and polite to them. I find it strange when people thank me for being so nice and kind as I feel like everybody should treat others this way. I really dont think that it should stand out when someone acts the why I do towards other people.

2. My determination

I am a really determined person who never gives up. I have always worked really hard at anything I set my mind to and always try my absolute best. A few times throughout my past my determination and hard working nature have actually worked against me. Like when I decided I wanted to lose weight. Once I set this goal for myself there was no stopping me and I didnt give up until I achieved it. Another time that my determination has been a bad thing is when I became obsessed with my school work. I worked really hard as I wanted to succeed with my studies but like my weight loss I took it too far and ended up really miserable and unhappy. This eventually led to me having to stop studying all together.

It probably sounds weird that I chose my determination as something I like about myself as it has caused me problems at various times in my life. Whenever I am able to healthily use my hard working nature however, it helps me achieve wonderful things. Right throughout school I excelled academically and this was purely due to how determined I was and how hard I worked (I havent always taken my studying to the unhealthy extremes that I did in college and at university). At the moment I am using my determination to help me with my recovery and I hope to be able to use it positively in my future as well. My determination will help be succeed in my career as well as hopefully helping people suffering from eatting disorders in some way.


3. My eyes
when I was in hospital one of the nurses asked me what physical feature I liked about myself. I instantly told her I didnt like anything at all. She told me she would be back that night and that I would need to think of something before then. I had to think for hours and hours but couldnt think of a thing. I went through every part of my body and even made the following list of things I hated about myself in my diary;

Gross skin.... Pimples
-ugly
-frizzy hair
-hairy arms
-big knees
-fat feet
-boobs
-big crooked ears
-scarred and uneven lips
-scarred skin
-hairy tummy
-ligamentous laxity
-bloated stomach
-I hate the fact that I hate myself

Eventually I thought of something I didnt hate, my eyes. They are green and I have extra long eye lashes. My lashes are so long that sometimes people ask me if I am wearing fake eye lashes or think im wearing mascara when I am not. For some reason  I also didnt feel as guilty for accepting I liked my eyes as I would have if I had thought of any other body part I liked. So I told my nurse that my eyes were the part of my body I likes and she was quite satisfied. She told me she would ask me to think of something new each day but she never asked again. Luckily she didnt because to this day I still havent thought of anything else about else about myself (besides being skinny once I lost weight, but that was only my anorexia that liked it.)

Try to comment something that you like about yourself below. If you have trouble thinking of anything like I have, this probably means that you also need to work on loving yourself and increasing your self confidence. You have to know that liking things about yourself doesn't make you conceited, it will just allow you to be happier and healthier.